Chapter Text
It's an undeniable fact that Renjun isn't a very affectionate person.
From his spot on the couch, he casually looks around at his friends, the rest of Dream. It's a slow day, for once, and while everyone's keeping themselves busy in the dorms, Renjun finds himself sporting a contemplative gaze as he lets his eyes wander.
He knows he spares the kisses and hugs, preferring to sling an arm around one of the other's shoulders or to semi-playfully put a headlock on the younger ones to cover up his own embarrassment. He's not like Donghyuck, who likes to putter around like a bee and aim for obnoxious smooches on unsuspecting cheeks. Nor is he like Jaemin, who proudly sniffs into their hair as a form of affection and breathes out alarmingly close against their necks during cuddling.
It comes to a realization that this dissonance intensified even more when Mark graduated, leaving Renjun to be the resident eldest of the group. Indirectly giving him the invisible burden of being the most responsible one.
With that responsibility comes managing his emotions - a control Renjun had a great handle on until he became the oldest member and like a rite of passage, the pressure that came with every flaw of his was mentally laid out before him.
Renjun hates moments like these, when his private ponderings lead to unsettling thoughts. He puts his face in the palms of his hands and starts gently messaging his temples.
His sentiments towards the world are, synonymously enough, like an explosion of stars. Alluring and scary in its uncontrollable nature. They reside in a Pandora's box, a carefully sealed vessel containing only the most ugly and the most beautiful emotions. Renjun keeps his most turbulent ones away. Fear. Hurt. Anger. Unbridled devotion.
That's why he's lived so well offering sensitive comfort in times of need. That's why he's learned to control and to provide.
He understands.
It's fate that he's managed to last this long, in an industry inundated by skinship and overly friendly touches. He's supposed to have grown accustomed to the moments of intimacy as well as the moments of only experience-crafted courtesy. What a slap to the face that the times he needed to be composed the most slowly became the times he's slipped the most.
But for all the mistakes he's made, Renjun makes sure to rein himself in for the next time. After all, he came here to chase after his dream, and nothing will prevent him from achieving it.
┈┈
The heat is harsh on Renjun's skin as he follows the others into the cooler area of the building. He fans his face with his hand, looking around at the equally as sweaty faces of his group members.
"If we have to stand another minute in that stifling heat, I think my face is going to melt off." Jaemin frowns and pinches the material of his shirt, pulling it away from sticking to his chest. It's a false sense of reprieve but the resigned grin on his face is better than his infamous pout.
"Maybe do us all a favor hyung."
Chenle doesn't seem as bothered by the heat, expending his extra energy by jumping up and down around the older boy. Fortunately for him, Jaemin's too annoyed by the heat to tickle the cackling boy.
Renjun looks around for their staff members and catches the eye of one of them as she's making her way to them.
"Renjun, can you take these for the other members? We're needed to finish preparations elsewhere while you guys are on break. Don't forget to make sure everyone's hydrated." The staff gives him packets of tissues and mini electric fans, along with some water bottles.
He nods and walks over to the younger members with the items. Renjun smiles as Jeno graciously thanks him, patting the sweat on his faces. Jaemin comes next as he swoops in to hug Renjun but realizes how uncomfortable that would be. The embarrassed boy sidesteps Renjun with an apologetic and thankful hum after taking a water bottle. Chenle smiles brightly at him, chirping a 'thanks hyung!' before merrily skipping away with a mini fan.
Renjun wonders what he drank this morning to make him so hyper. But then again, Chenle has always liked looking at the brighter side of things.
With a shake of his head, he wonders where Jisung has slinked off to.
It doesn't take him long to find their youngest. His eyes catch sight of the dancer lying against a wall on the ground with eyes closed. Making a soft noise akin to worry, he makes his way over and crouches down in front of the dozing boy.
"Jisung-ah?" He softly calls out, already unconsciously bringing up one of the tissues in his hand to pat at Jisung's sweat-beaded forehead. The other boy groans and opens one eye. Renjun tries to go for a strained smile, vicariously feeling the ache in the other's body.
"Hyung? I'm thirsty." Jisung whispers out but he slowly gets up despite his previously comfortable, relaxing form.
Renjun wordlessly passes him the water bottle in his hand, letting Jisung grab his forearm for balance while the tired boy tries to take gulps of the refreshing beverage.
"Are you feeling okay enough to stand up?" He offers a hand which Jisung hesitantly takes and slowly drags the latter up. He holds back the grimace that has grown to flit occasionally across his face whenever he finds himself standing short next to Jisung's comparatively taller height.
"Sorry for that Renjun hyung, I guess I shouldn't have stayed up last night."
Jisung winces as Renjun starts to roughly pat his face for sweat, no doubt not accepting his excuse. He gives Renjun a hesitant smile when the latter subtly scowls, but the irritation the older had felt for the younger disappears when Renjun puts a fan up to Jisung's face.
Watching Jisung smile so happily and cutely instantly squashes the remains traces of annoyance in Renjun.
As peace is hard to come by at work when you're surrounded by six other rambunctious twelve year olds, Renjun isn't in the slightest bit surprised when he hears the telltale beginnings of a familiar high-pitched shriek.
"哥, stop babying Jisung! Break's over!"
Renjun rolls his eyes at the break of rare silence, "Just admit you're jealous and move on, Chenle."
He watches Jisung laugh with a slight tingle in his chest. Ignoring the feeling, Renjun reaches up and pinches the maknae on the cheek.
"Ow hyunggg," Jisung whimpers.
"Payment for the service I provided, Jisungie. Simple transactions."
┈┈
"Injunnie, can you pass me the soy sauce~" Jaemin asks with a familiar lilt to his request despite the lack of cameras.
Renjun impassively stares back at him. The other boy grins Cheshire-ly in his seat across the table, patiently waiting for the oldest to respond. The busy noise of the restaurant almost drowns out Renjun's reply.
"Nope." He smirks.
However, he rolls his eyes when he sees the other bring his pointer and middle fingers to his cheeks.
"Kyu~"
Renjun returns the gesture, because he isn't Renjun if he doesn't fight aegyo with his own purposefully cringey aegyo. But he reverts back to his smirk after amusing the other, finding great enjoyment in the blonde's suffering.
"Still a no Jaemin-ah."
Jaemin, now betrayed by the circumstances, gets up in his seat and threateningly points his rice-covered chopsticks at him. "Why are you so mean to me Injun-ah?"
Renjun only offers a half-smile teasingly.
His decision to withhold himself from helping the other vanishes when Jaemin stands up in the middle of the meal and the sudden screech of the seat sends Chenle yelping and almost dropping the piece of meat he was holding. They get into a fuss over wasted food, and Donghyuck jumps in to comment about how Chenle has butterfingers.
Only to get a Perilla leaf thrown at his face.
Renjun feels his eye twitch and he turns away from the scene. He wants to say he's glad Donghyuck's back with them, celebrating his return from the U.S. at their favorite restaurant. But does Renjun get paid enough to deal with these buffoons (even though Donghyuck probably deserves to fool around and expend his youthful energy with friends his age)?
Frankly not.
But he still reaches a hand out to grab the condiment.
His hand bumps into Jisung's clumsy hand, the youngest deciding to also help out but only by half a second late. He arches an eyebrow when Jisung makes no move to take back his hand. Now he's in this awkward situation where Jisung's larger hand envelopes Renjun's smaller one in a loose hold.
"I got it, hyung." Jisung has the audacity to say, stealing the soy sauce from Renjun's grip and leaning over the older to give it to Jaemin.
"And this, again, is why Jisung's my favorite child," Jaemin snobbishly says, giving everyone at the table a menacing squint sans Jeno, who's ignored everything's that's happened in the past five minutes.
Be more like Jeno. Just eat your lunch and pretend you aren't surrounded by these lunatics, pretend you aren't-
He takes that back when Jaemin proceeds to fling his body over the table to ruffle Jisung's hair, almost upsetting one of the soup bowls.
The exasperation in his sigh is clearly not enough.
"Once again I need to remind you that I'm the oldest here, Jaemin, in case you forgot that."
"But how can you not be one of my children, Injunnie? You're the tiniest little munchkin to grace my presence!" Jaemin says, leaving no space for argument as he starts stuffing coriander into his mouth. Renjun watches on with barely concealed horror while Jeno, who isn't so fortunate being seated right next to the demon, coughs out loud from the strong smell of the vegetable.
"We will not bring my height up again. If you value your life, you wouldn't turn the topic of height against me."
There's a shift from beside him and Jisung slips in, nonchalantly grabbing Renjun's hand.
"You're tiny though hyung. See how small this hand is in mine?"
Renjun should've seen this coming, should've seen it a mile away when Mark graduated and the Canadian boy's old role of being teased mercilessly by the Dreamies is now glaringly empty. However, Renjun's always been a bit more hot headed than their oldest member.
"You're simply too tall and have big hands. You can't compare yourself to me!"
Donghyuck snickers at Renjun's outburst, who immediately widens his eyes when he realizes he said that too loudly.
But Jisung smiles despite Renjun's impassioned remark. The curve of his lips too genuine.
"But it's an undeniable fact you're cute. Just accept it, hyung, and call it a day." He doesn't let go of Renjun's hand and under the curious gaze of the rest of the members, Renjun lets out a grunt before forcibly pulling his hand away.
"You better keep your eyes open tonight."
Renjun has nothing left to say so he resumes eating, holding the feelings of slight indignation and bashfulness to himself.
It's nothing new to him. He admits he's a bit smaller in built, but he makes up for it with his skills. It's all in good nature anyways, so he trusts the members to not push too much.
In the middle of chewing on his chicken, he feels a prod to his side. He doesn't need to turn right to know it's Jisung accidentally bumping into him. But only when the younger boy starts making whining sounds, hand accidentally slapping Renjun's knee does Renjun look over to see what the fuss is about.
"Too spicy!"
Renjun almost laughs when he sees the glowing red ears of the youngest, who's now panting for water and looking at Renjun with teary eyes.
"How cute," Renjun coughs to cover his chuckle, bringing the emergency carton of milk to Jisung's lips.
He stays by the other's side until he finishes and pats the other on the back. He internally coos when Jisung gives him a weak but grateful smile, cute eyes instantly turning deadly when the younger whips his head in the direction of the dying dolphin sounds.
"Chenle!"
Renjun shakes his head.
"Again Jisung?"
He only gets a blush in response, and Renjun sighs, asking the nearby waiter to please bring them some more banana milk.
┈┈
It hasn't felt much different, the gradual absence of Mark.
Sometimes Renjun finds himself wanting to turn to his right to say something to the oldest. But blatantly remembers he's now standing at the end of their formations by himself and that there isn't Mark to comfortingly put an arm around his shoulders or to guide his lost hands and lead the way. He wants to berate himself for those moments of doubt, a testimony only to how dependent he still feels on the other's presence.
It's unnerving that it's a voluntary reflex he has to learn to control in the half year leading up to their first comeback as six. That he has to craft a knee jerk response that won't mark him out to be one of the members who's suddenly lost without Mark being there for him.
For them.
That's why he finds himself in the filming studios, blankly looking at the wall as Jaemin, Jeno, and Jisung work on their rap lyrics.
"You're coming with us to work on lyrics?" Jeno had curiously poked his head in their shared room, backpack open and already spilling out gum wrappers and pencils. The boy scrambles to put everything back with a sheepish grimace.
Renjun snorts softly but still gives him an encouraging smile. Only because it's Jeno.
"Of course, I'll be there as inspiration for you kids."
He hears a grunt, and sees Jaemin pushing the door open to wedge his body in between the bespectacled boy and the door frame.
"We appreciate the sentiments Renjun, but we're not going to be writing lyrics anytime soon if we're still waiting on you." His complaints are short-lived, however, when Renjun decides to shut him up by aiming his pillow at him.
Jeno wheezes against the door frame, watching as Jaemin shriek and collapse onto the floor face down and butt up.
Renjun rolls his eyes and returns to his desk to grab his notepad, just about ready to go when he hears soft knocking against the open door.
"Hyung, you're coming?" Jisung's voice filters through Jaemin's exaggerated groans and Renjun looks up to see a small growing smile on the youngest's face.
"Yeah, I'm there to make sure you guys feel motivated with my handsome face." He grins, finally leaving the room and side stepping Jaemin who's now at least sitting up, but still on the floor and pouting.
Jisung grins back.
"C'mon let's go." Jeno says and Renjun nods, already walking to the door with the two of them following after.
At this moment, Chenle has walked out of the restroom having just scrubbed his face clean from another one of Donghyuck's pranks. The humming boy screams when he encounters Jaemin sitting in a daze, abandoned on the floor.
"Hyung...what are you-"
"You're the worst Injunnie! Even if you have a pretty face!" Jaemin bellows, scrambling to his feet and running after the others.
"Amazing, we're ten minutes in and you're already on another planet."
Jaemin has thrown one of the couch cushions at Renjun's face, probably as revenge for earlier, knocking Renjun out of his blank reverie. Neither Jeno nor Jisung have heard the quip or seen the attack, too busy mouthing along to words with their Airpods in (well at least Jisung can hear them, because he has regular earphones on but he averts his eyes when Renjun oh so casually catches his glance).
"What the actual fuck," Renjun returns his attention to the disturber of the peace, glaring at the innocent smile upon Jaemin's face.
"Just saying. Why are you here again?" Jaemin puts on a saccharine tone, tipping back in his chair to eye Renjun challengingly.
Renjun huffs and sits up straighter. He doesn't exactly have an answer. Why is he here again? He hasn't ever written lyrics before, much less rap lyrics. Why did he think he would be of any help to his group members?
His turmoil must've broken through his blank facade because Jaemin quickly drops the defiant act and scoots up to Renjun.
"Hey Injun, you okay? Did I say something?"
The sudden caution in his voice throws Renjun off guard and he almost laughs at the insanity bubbling up within the deepest part of him. Their previous leader wouldn't have cracked under the pressure. He would've taken it in stride with an embarrassed, easygoing grin, before leaning over to help with the lyrics.
Of course he's still not talented enough to fill in Mark's shoes. Of course.
He looks at Jaemin, carefully and painstakingly masking the horrific revelation he just made, and gives him a slight bitter smile.
"You're so funny, Jaemin. I must have fooled you there huh?" Now seeing Jaemin's dumbstruck face, however, his smile broadens and feels more authentic. The other slumps back against his chair and complains, saying something about Renjun becoming more sneaky. Despite the subtle jab, Renjun even lets the other pinch his cheek in annoyance before returning to his work, silently thanking Jaemin for allowing him to smile even though he's internally terrified that he's made a giant mistake.
"Renjun hyung, can you look over this? I'm not sure if this makes sense." Jisung plops himself down beside Renjun, showing him a piece of paper with chicken scrawl handwriting on it.
Renjun squints and brings the paper up to the light. "Are you sure this is supposed to be legible?" He dryly says, quirking his mouth in what he hopes is a teasing fashion.
But Jisung probably misses the memo because their youngest deflates momentarily by Renjun's side.
"Mark was able to read it though."
Renjun knows that Jisung says it to be a shit but he can't help but feel further pierced by those words.
"Let me look at it again." Renjun grabs the paper out of Jisung's hand and stares at the words.
Bless his mom for having him learn Korean back home in Jilin. He can recognize the characters scattered on the page, some crossed out with small sad faces next to the unused words. Typical Jisung.
"Maybe you should use the world thrilling here," He points to one line in particular, taking into account the whole picture Jisung has painted. There's undeniably an unspoken maturity in the youngest's lyrics, Renjun sees it in the choice of words and the flow. He thinks about saying this out loud, but holds himself back. Is it right for him to make comments about that?
"Anyways, it looks good to me." Renjun says encouragingly, turning over to Jisung. His lips accidentally brush against the crown of the other's head, the dyed pink and brown hair tickling his cheeks. He was so absorbed in analyzing the lyric sheet in his hand that he didn't notice Jisung shift in his position to rest his chin against Renjun's shoulder, arms brought up to hold the older boy in a loose hug.
"Why don't you cling onto me like that?" Jaemin has abandoned his notebook to spin around in his chair, eyeing the two on the couch with an expression of mixed betrayal and misplaced pride.
Jisung, having been caught in a self-initiated hug, clears his throat and pulls away quickly. Renjun almost pulls him back, already missing the soothing scent of the other.
But he doesn't dare open his mouth, not when he's not used to craving someone else's comfort. The predatory glint in Jaemin's eyes twinkles brighter.
"I feel like Renjun really wants a hug right now."
Jisung looks up at him as he says this, a soft expression overtaking the usual mischievous appearance that tends to grace the dancer's face. Renjun stares back at him, an unfamiliar tension building up behind his eyes. Blinking the weariness away, he returns the soft expression with a hesitant smile of his own.
"I'm okay Jisungie, that's very nice of you. Let's have you go test out the flow with Jaemin now and I'll go take a look at Jeno's sheet?"
Renjun doesn't know what he's doing but he tries to ignore the crestfallen look on the other's face as he gets up, hoping to assuage the younger by lightly running his fingers through Jisung's hair.
There's no need to get distracted by the comfort offered so willingly by Jisung, especially when Renjun feels undeserving. Better to see if he could be of any use to Jeno before he relishes in the stray thought of feeling dependent on NCT Dream's youngest.
He banishes the insecurities, puts on an encouraging smile, and takes a seat beside Jeno.
"Oh Renjun! Hey listen to this, what do you think?"
┈┈
His first vlive in preparation for their comeback goes by naturally, as if ten months filled with no promotion hasn't changed anything despite the world still spinning and time still passing.
Sixteen minutes in, however, Renjun finds himself alternating his position between being half folded against the top of the table and tilting back in his chair, head thrown back in uncontrollable laughter. There isn't anything really inherently hilarious about the situation. They're talking about Assistant Manager's (Doyoung) sexy dance, which Donghyuck impersonated for his penalty after popping the first balloon. But that happened minutes ago and they're now seated back around the table, trying to fit the balloon for the next game amidst the giggles.
For some reason seeing Jeno literally losing his marbles - laughter going a pitch higher than usual with his smiling eyes almost in a permanent crescent shape, Donghyuck pointing at Renjun while giggling and then hiding his face in his wrist, and Jaemin smiling widely with tears in his eyes is enough to send Renjun careening into another bout of raucous laughter with the others.
They finally quiet down. Renjun catches a comment.
"Let's laugh together, boys." He says on behalf of a fan, and Jeno and Jaemin jump in clamoring stuff about how their humor is slow. Nothing really makes sense and Donghyuck's trying to contain his giggling with his head bowed while he's twisting the contraption holding their next balloon. But the mental wall breaks when Jeno looks at the aforementioned struggling and promptly, he breaks out into loud guffaws again.
Jaemin shakes his head with a fond smile, "Even we think we're weird." He says as he holds up the paper of their next topic.
Except Renjun reads something funny in the comments or maybe it's due to stealing a glance at Donghyuck's mirthful expression and Jeno's constipated face because not a minute has passed and he's laughing again, their giggles mixing and filling the air.
Jaemin's faring better than all of them and comments on their synergy before the vlive continues. Renjun, caught up in the pure happiness of the moment, doesn't think about how easily it is to let his emotions show so freely in front of everyone. He's thankful for how effortlessly the four of them fall into their playful dynamics, taking up roles of the rowdy one or the serious one depending on the moment.
It's okay, he tells himself.
It's not okay.
Renjun's doing his second vlive but this time with the two youngest, their topic centered around making homemade ice cream. Prone to reminiscing, he mentions one of his favorite hyungs, Winwin, while Jisung's in the middle of shuffling around the cold mush. He doesn't get to say much about the 127 member before he's interrupted by one of the staff members who urgently tells him something.
There's a slight tension in the air.
"Okay."
The smile that appears on his face falls flat of showing anything beyond a simple acquiesce. And Renjun stops his tangent to pursue a different topic. But something feels uneasy and he tries not to think about it.
When the vlive ends, Chenle and Jisung both come up to him and start talking, either to overrun the thoughts still persistently in Renjun's mind or because they're chatterboxes that won't let Renjun rest. He smiles again, hoping the turmoil doesn't show.
But this time, he asks that they give him some space. He misses their concerned gazes.
24 hours. That's the space he gets before he's shuffled to their last vlive.
Having to show his face again exactly a day later, Renjun ends up sitting at the far end next to Jeno. With a quiet hum to himself, he accepts the positioning with silent gratitude because he can easily fade away into his thoughts without the pressure of conversation from both sides.
So Renjun finds himself doing such. Blankly staring ahead as the camera turns on and the others chatter about their recent vlives and how they felt about it.
He's shaken out of his thoughts when Donghyuck asks everyone to move over to the left, prodded by Chenle, so that by physical space alone Renjun ends up having to interact. He's naturally dragged into the conversation later, by Donghyuck and Jeno's words, Jaemin and Jisung's smiles, and Chenle's knowing glance.
Renjun finds the genuine smile on his face growing as the vlive continues, and it's as if his anxiety never existed in the first place as he falls instinctively into banter with the others.
Maybe there's hope for him in relying on others.
┈┈
Sometimes when Renjun's overactive mind wanders as he's sitting in the Dreamies van en route to one of their schedules and he isn't sleepy enough to knock out to dream land, he thinks about his recent filmings and practices. It's no different that on this particular morning he recalls an interesting moment that occurred during one of their sets for the Boom music video.
They were filming in a warehouse of a sort and thankfully, that time with Donghyuck present. Renjun wasn't sure if it was night or day, as filming tended to take a tedious amount of time and experience had taught Renjun to believe that sometimes the perfect take required more than five hours. He had little to complain about, considering their scenes weren't under the hot sun and he absentmindedly thought about 127's Highway to Heaven promotions in the middle of a desert.
Renjun found a specific scene in their upcoming Boom music video otherworldly pretty.
He was lying on his back in his all white outfit, staring up at the high arching ceiling. Or trying to because Jisung was suddenly leaning over his face and making a funny expression.
"Don't fall asleep now hyung."
Renjun chuckled at the soft look on the other's face as if the youngest were actually worried he would fall asleep on the set, and he made a show of closing his eyes and snoring obnoxiously just to egg on the youngest. He dodged the poke Jisung sent his way in retaliation.
"As if I could," Renjun rolled his eyes and put the palms of his hands behind him to cushion his head, "I'm buzzing with energy. Maybe I'll steal your title of being a brat and whining to get last minute favors." He cackled internally when Jisung's face instantly colored.
With a huff, Jisung took to balancing his head against one of his hands, as he casually peered down at Renjun with openly curious eyes.
"No one's stopping you?"
Renjun looked away. His normally quick wits had disappeared upon hearing the underlying candid nature of their maknae's words.
No one's stopping me but this company maybe...
and perhaps myself.
But how do I voice something so complicated to someone I don't want to drag into this thing I don't even understand?
"We'll all have a field day if you decide to act cute to get what you want. Not saying I do that. And definitely not saying you aren't already cute. Which you are, have I ever mentioned that? Wait did I-"
Renjun cut off the nonsensical rambling by bringing a hand up to cover Jisung's mouth, his fingers gracing against a burning cheek. It was endearing how easily embarrassed Jisung got when his tongue slipped, face unfortunately reflecting all his emotions.
"Stop stealing Chenle's responsibility of talking my ear off."
Jisung sheepishly laughed as Renjun removed his hand and reached up to ruffle Jisung's hair instead. The sound of their director told them they had another five minutes of break. Upon hearing that, Renjun retracted his arms from manhandling Jisung to swing them out, too comfortable on the floor to do any serious stretching. A minute of silence passed.
"I'm bored. Play with me, Jisungie."
"And how may I be of service hyung?" Jisung wasted no second in responding back with a deadpan expression that was so unlike Jisung's usual that Renjun couldn't help but giggle at the contrast.
"Reach this, big shot."
Renjun teasingly brought his right arm up straight as if aiming for the stars beyond the stone ceiling with his pointer finger. Jisung amused him by curling his right arm, emphasizing his longer limbs, over Renjun's forehead to touch Renjun's pointer finger with his own.
Renjun smirked, clearly not done being playful, before tapping the tip of the younger's finger and reveling in the fact that Jisung followed his lead and hit back. But Jisung cut their fun short when he let his arm drop, and Renjun followed after.
He chanced a look at the youngest and watched as Jisung looked down at him and his fallen arm, reaching out to grab his wrist.
"You've been eating enough during meals right?" Jisung held Renjun's wrist delicately between his fingers, marveling at the slimness in poorly concealed worry.
Furrowing his eyebrows, Renjun's eyes met the maknae's and something about the quiet atmosphere made Renjun bite back the smart retort lying in wait on his tongue.
"Yeah."
Jisung's breath was shaky when he gently placed Renjun's wrist down and gave him an unreadable stare. He reached out to push aside a stray bang on Renjun's forehead, and Renjun found himself unable to breathe in the moment.
"Take care of yourself hyung."
Renjun wanted to say something, anything, to clear the worry and pain in Jisung's eyes but their director had signaled that they were ready to resume filming so he watched on helplessly as Jisung's eyes regained their playful twinkle and the boy laughed when Donghyuck, in that moment, made an offhand joke.
┈┈
Renjun hates making others worry.
It's an innate trait of his since he was young and still living with his parents. Something about his independence and ambitions pushes him to scale his own obstacles silently and quietly. Maybe it's the fear of other's judgment or simply not knowing if he'll succeed after the ordeal, so he resorts to keeping issues to himself and hoping in the end, he'll emerge from the struggle. Victorious.
His tendency to avoid voicing his troubles remains with him when he becomes a trainee.
It's there with him when he's slated to be part of NCT Dream.
And eventually it grows as a fundamental part of him when he becomes one of the main vocalists.
The irony now falls on his throat.
Renjun wakes up feeling unusually discomfited. They had a long day the day before, and he recalls only falling into bed late into the morning. When he rolls over to ask Jeno to turn off the blaring alarm (set to Donghyuck's aegyo-filled voice, an old dare that Jeno has forgotten has already ended), his voice comes out as a shocking croak.
His immediate thought goes somewhere along the lines of: well I'm screwed. But the more urgent concern pressing on him is
Why did I let this happen?
As a vocalist, he should've taken better care of his throat during the promotion of Boom which had only recently ended. Especially because he had been singing the high note at the bridge of their most promoted song, usually a feat left for Donghyuck. But Renjun never knew his own limits, always pushing himself until either failure or success came his way.
Renjun coughs, catching the attention of Jeno who has meandered back from the bathroom and is now looking with growing alarm at the older boy still lying in bed. He winces when Renjun tries to say something, but nothing comes out.
"Do you need water? Should I fetch Jaemin?" Jeno anxiously hovers by his side. The hoodie that's half-hazardly on Jeno, who has given up on neatly putting on his clothes, makes the situation funnier than it should be.
Really he'd rather not turn this dorm upside down with Jaemin's mother hen tendencies so Renjun tries to shake his head, but Jisung chooses that exact moment to pass by their door and overhear their conversation.
"I got it!" The tall, lanky boy has turned tail to ameliorate the situation, leaving Jeno and Renjun flabbergasted.
"Has Jisung always taken this kind of initiative?" Jeno squints down at Renjun, as if the coughing boy knows the answer.
Renjun can only groan and turn onto his side, burying his face into his pillow.
"If you die in this practice room, I will not be responsible for burying your carcass." Jaemin scowls as he busts open the door to the studio room, casting a look of subtle outrage and disappointment in Renjun's direction.
Renjun sighs at the other's dramatic behavior. He's deadass grateful that he regained his voice by the time they're piled in the car. Though meek and quiet, unlike his persona - it's enough for him to pull out his retorts. Case in point.
"I drank your medicine and brought the tea you shoved at me before we left. I won't die." He gives Jisung a glare, and the latter shrinks a little under the annoyed gaze.
"How will you get through vocal practice today though 哥?" Chenle places his bag on the side as he walks to the middle of the room and starts stretching while cautiously eyeing the few of them still standing by the doorway.
"I'll figure it out. Don't worry about it." Renjun tries not to let the unease show in his words as he brings a hand up to massage his throat. Donghyuck catches the action and frowns, though not as disapprovingly as Jaemin who still has an ominous dark cloud over his face.
"We have lessons together. We'll tell the instructor and rearrange any parts if need be so your throat can rest." He places a comforting arm on Renjun's shoulder, but for some reason, the weight feels more like a burden.
Renjun gently shrugs off the hand, giving a pained smile to Donghyuck.
"I'll handle it."
They all nod, Jaemin however grimaces, but it's enough for Renjun who's desperately trying to get their attention off of him. He sighs and peels away from the others, placing his belongings in a corner while giving himself a small pep talk.
As they move to put their stuff down and get to stretching, Renjun gets ambushed by one of the members and is subsequently pulled to the side.
He looks up at the intruder and sees an apologetic Jisung.
"Hyung sorry for telling on you to Jaemin." Jisung's looking down and Renjun follows his gaze to the youngest's sneakers, old and scuffled from long usage. Something distantly hurts in Renjun's throat but he's not sure if it's from the ache or something else. The other looks up.
"I was worried and I know Jaemin would've helped. I didn't think he would be so angry...and disappointed." Jisung's timid voice trails off as he gnaws on his bottom lip. Renjun watches as the youngest swings his hand nervously, maybe to grasp at Renjun's fingers, but then stopping short and letting it fall awkwardly to the side when he realizes last minute it isn't the trajectory he wants to take.
Renjun thinks about it a bit, pushes back on today's less-than-favorable events to focus on Jisung's words.
"I'll apologize to him tonight." The furrow in Jisung's eyebrows grows deeper at Renjun's words. "And I'm sorry I got angry at you. You only meant well, Jisungie-ah." Renjun whispers.
His words help a bit as Renjun watches the maknae's face clear of worry, but there's still a frown.
"But seriously hyung, take care of yourself. Or else you'll have me fretting with Jaemin hyung."
"Is that supposed to be an honor?" Renjun snorts before pulling away and joining everyone else.
It's easy to carry through the memorized moves, muscles grown accustomed to the different positions and mind already organized to predict the next step. It's not easy to sing the corresponding notes, and Renjun chooses to stop trying - head down in defeat.
They're called to take a break and the instructor gives him a disappointed look before leaving the room. Maybe it's for the better because Renjun finds himself slumping to the floor.
He informed their instructor beforehand of his condition but the weight of her gaze is still the same:
Why are you irresponsible?
Moreover, the nagging concern had developed into a headache and throughout practice, the discomfort had disrupted his calculations and more than once, Renjun found himself off position by a few inches. It isn't enough to cause a scene or accidentally trip one of the other members, but he sees the worried looks in their eyes at his off-kilter performance.
While Jeno and Donghyuck have left the room to grab drinks and Jaemin had ran out earlier, giving no good reason, it's only in the presence of the two youngest and the two less likely to prod that Renjun gives up on his front and curls up on the floor in displeasure.
He takes it back when someone decides to stand over him, blocking one of the ceiling lights, and consequently contributing a shadow to Renjun's already murky thoughts.
Something presses against his cheek and Renjun roughly bats it away.
“哥, don't." Chenle sits down beside him, quirking an eyebrow when Renjun finally decides to open his eyes and look at him. The older takes the thermos containing Jaemin's tea and he sits up to slowly drink it down. His action seems to make Chenle happy because he's grinning at Renjun and reaching up to take the thermos back.
"你的喉咙怎么样?" Chenle asks.
Renjun weighs his options. He can be truthful or he can ignore the pain and relieve the tension in Chenle's voice.
"My throat...is fine, but I'm not going to sing today." Renjun mutters.
"Will you talk to Jaemin? He's been especially whiny throughout practice. If I have to see him pout again, I think I'm going to throw my shoe at him."
Renjun coughs on his laughter, falling back to the floor when he hears Chenle's complaints. The two of them have a funny relationship, one that isn't on the outside as nurturing as the one he shares with either of the two, but Renjun suspects there's development to be made in the near future. He does, after all, have astute observational skills.
The door slams open, causing Jisung to yelp (to which Chenle snickers not so silently), and Jaemin comes in grumbling. The two of them make some sort of eye contact but Renjun looks away first, not used to the other's cold treatment.
"C'mon 再过一个小时, then we can go for lunch." Chenle breaks up the tension, offering a hand to Renjun to heave the older up to his feet.
Renjun looks at Chenle gratefully, and clears his throat.
"Yeah just one more hour."
Maybe Renjun didn't get enough sleep. Maybe the lightheadedness he had felt yesterday night wasn't a momentary glitch.
He's squinting into the mirror, trying to understand why there's two of Jeno dancing in the middle of formations. Why the ringing in his head due to Donghyuck's normally sweet dulcet tones is now grating against his ears. Why Jisung's stopping in the middle of their choreography and running towards him.
Renjun doesn't see what happens next because the walls swing in his vision and he's jerking his head backwards, falling to the ground as the world turns black.