Chapter Text
Looking up at the stars, I know quite well
That, for all they care, I can go to hell...
W.H. Auden, "The More Loving One" (1960)
You have one (1) new message request!
Sender: prongs
Subject: Thoughts on eternity?
CONFIRM?
prongs: I really don’t have any particular interest in eternity, but I’m conducting a social experiment to determine whether people are more likely to open my messages if I give them impossibly deep subject lines. Thanks for participating
pavedparadise: What was your control variable?
prongs: ?
pavedparadise: Like what was the alternative to the impossibly deep subject lines?
prongs: Just a winky face sent by the screen-name grand_richard2
prongs: I didn’t initiate anything with the one person who responded positively to that :-/
prongs: I’m not that much of a jerk
prongs: Also I couldn’t possibly tolerate anyone idiotic enough to consider that a pick-up
pavedparadise: And if people responded positively to your eternity clickbait?
prongs: No one has yet. I’m pretty sure I can conclude that Grand Richard wields more effective weapons in the modern era
pavedparadise: Okay, I’ll bite
pavedparadise: I’m fucking terrified of eternity
prongs: Now it’s 1-1!
prongs: You’re messing up my conclusion!!
pavedparadise: Is this for school?
prongs: It’s for a bet
prongs: My friends and i take our bets very seriously
prongs: You still there?
pavedparadise: Feeling kinda cheated out of a discussion on eternity
pavedparadise: Not gonna lie
prongs: If you want to discuss eternity, you should probably look somewhere besides this fucking site
pavedparadise: I assume your participation on this site was also due to a bet?
prongs: There were a lot of bets. Interwoven
prongs: Russian nesting doll type situation
prongs: Why? You don’t actually derive any kind of satisfaction out of frequenting a site like this, do you?
pavedparadise: I wouldn’t call it satisfaction
prongs: Okay—rephrasing. You don’t actually think you’re going to find your one true love on a site like this, do you?
pavedparadise: I don’t believe in love
prongs: No?
pavedparadise: And you do? Having systematically forced a social experiment on the people looking for it?
prongs: Love and science CAN go hand in hand, you know
prongs: But no, I don’t really either. It’s why (until now) I stayed far, far away from this lies perpetuated by this site
pavedparadise: Then it’s a shame your abstinence was destroyed by Russian nesting dolls
prongs: God, when you put it like that…
prongs: I love that song, by the way
prongs: Big Yellow Taxi. Joni Mitchell. Off Ladies of the Canyon, 1970
pavedparadise: How cultured of you
prongs: That’s me :-)
prongs: I love her other stuff, too
pavedparadise: Ah, could it be?
pavedparadise: I seem to have gained a grudging respect for you
pavedparadise: “Grudging” being the operative word
pavedparadise: What’s up with your screen name, anyway?
prongs: I’d tell you, but then I’d have to kill you
prongs: Suffice it to say it was bestowed upon me by the same friend whose ill-advised bet sealed my fate on this site
prongs: For reference, he dubbed himself “Padfoot”
pavedparadise: Following…an unfortunate incident with a sanitary napkin?
prongs: THAT’S WHAT I SAID
prongs: No, because he’s “subtle AF” and would make “a fantastic spy”
prongs: Note the sarcasm pouring from my orifices
pavedparadise: Let’s put an unyielding ban on the word “orifices”, shall we?
prongs: It just seemed appropriate
prongs: This IS a dating site, after all
pavedparadise: You’re not here to date, hon
pavedparadise: Although, come to think of it, “Prongs” is a bit explicit, isn’t it?
prongs: My other two friends are “Moony” and “Wormtail”
pavedparadise: Good God
pavedparadise: Poor Wormtail
prongs: Right? Prongs isn’t THAT explicit
pavedparadise: …
prongs: What are you doing right now?
pavedparadise: Like, right now? Or like, figuratively right now?
prongs: Are you being arbitrary because you’re on the toilet?
pavedparadise: Yes, actually
pavedparadise: How’d you know?
prongs: Uncanny sixth sense
prongs: Also the cameras I’ve installed in your bathroom
prongs: If you could pick five songs to describe you, what would they be?
pavedparadise: Nothing by Khalid
pavedparadise: Let’s just get that out of the way
prongs: Thank God
prongs: Nothing against the man. I just…
pavedparadise: I know, I know. Overhyped. Stultifying
prongs: I love you
pavedparadise: You should’ve messaged me with THAT
prongs: It wouldn’t have worked. You’re pre-biased against love
prongs: But can you please impose your anti-Khalid wisdom on Padfoot?
pavedparadise: Not sure it would stick
pavedparadise: Unlike the sanitary napkin
prongs: HA
prongs: Okay, I’ve narrowed it down for you. Five Joni songs to describe you
pavedparadise: A Case of You. Gallery. All I Want. Wild Things Run Fast. Conversation
prongs: That’s the weirdest mix ever
prongs: I might actually like you
pavedparadise: Can a social experiment lead to love? For this starstruck couple, it did (NOT CLICKBAIT)
prongs: Whoa there, cowperson
pavedparadise: I know you shouldn’t give your gender out online, but “cowperson” is too disturbing a moniker for me not to correct you to “cowgirl”
prongs: Why shouldn’t you give your gender out online??
pavedparadise: Ah
pavedparadise: You clearly use he/him and were never warned about gender-discriminatory internet predators by your parents as a result
pavedparadise: Rightly or wrongly, that’s how it goes
prongs: Oh
prongs: You’re right
pavedparadise: Well, it’s nice to meet you, Sir Prongs
prongs: Likewise, Madam…?
prongs: “Pavedparadise” is a bit of a mouthful
pavedparadise: Let’s go with “Katya”
pavedparadise: While we’re on the subject of Russian nesting dolls
prongs: Katya the cowperson
pavedparadise: CowGIRL
prongs: cowPERSON
prongs: I have to say, you really shook things up with Wild Things Run Fast
prongs: That was legendary
pavedparadise: Well, I’m a legendary gal
pavedparadise: And you? Five Joni songs?
prongs: Both Sides Now, Big Yellow Taxi, The Circle Game, Carey, This Flight Tonight
pavedparadise: The Circle Game?!
prongs: You can’t see me as a wounded, cartwheeling little boy?
pavedparadise: Um…
pavedparadise: Yes to cartwheeling, no to wounded
prongs: I am very wounded, Katya. Tragically so. There is a wound in me so deep and anguished that only a gentle Russian cowgirl can soothe its seeping mouth
pavedparadise: Moratorium on the phrase “seeping mouth”
pavedparadise: Also, I’m not gentle
pavedparadise: Nor am I actually Russian. Is calling myself Katya cultural appropriation?
prongs: Everything is cultural appropriation nowadays. And I don’t mean that in a negative way. But I do think you’ve gotta accept that sooner or later you’re going to commit some good old-fashioned cultural appropriation and make your peace with that
pavedparadise: Peace made
prongs: That was fast
prongs: Okay, so—eternity
prongs: Discuss
pavedparadise: I thought you said that was a no-no on this site
prongs: I’ve changed my mind
prongs: Also I’m bored out of my skull
pavedparadise: I said I was scared of it already
prongs: And did not elaborate
pavedparadise: Because you didn’t LET me! You said I was going to mess up your experiment
prongs: Now my experiment is hopelessly compromised by extended conversation with a subject and you should feel free to elaborate thoroughly
pavedparadise: Regardless, I’m feeling piqued
prongs: Katya, piqued, scowls into the middle distance
pavedparadise: Prongs regretfully acknowledges the inadvisability of piquing Katya
prongs: There is no way “pique” can be used like that
pavedparadise: *Prongs regretfully acknowledges the inadvisability of pissing Katya off
prongs: Actually, I don’t think you’re supposed to split up “pissing” and “off”
prongs: Notice how I didn’t split up “split” and “up” :-)
pavedparadise: ANYWAY
prongs: Right. Eternity
pavedparadise: I’m not really scared of eternity because of preconceived notions about death. I’m just AWFUL when I’m bored, so I’m terrified for the effect my toxic boredom will have on the poor fuckers around me
prongs: The point of eternity is that there’s no one around you
pavedparadise: …No? The point of eternity is that it lasts forever
prongs: Touché
pavedparadise: Also, I haven’t really done my religious duty. so I might get treated fairly badly
prongs: God would have to be a fool not to treat you well
pavedparadise: Thanks?
pavedparadise: I appreciate casual blasphemy if it’s done on my behalf
prongs: That’s what I’m here for
pavedparadise: It’s story time
prongs: Ooh
pavedparadise: So I’ve been working at a little bakery in my hometown for the past three or four years
pavedparadise: Anyway, today I’d just opened the place up, and I was cleaning, and I looked up from the full-body process of wiping down one of our stupid tables—you have to kind of flop on your stomach to reach the end—and, lo and behold, there was an incredibly hot guy leaning against the counter. Watching me
prongs: Oh, it’s THIS kind of story
pavedparadise: Just wait for it
pavedparadise: Now, mind, I didn’t hear him come in. So my ass had been in the air for the last few minutes, waving around, and I was hoping desperately that he just happened to be gazing into the middle distance instead of at the massive target presented by my ass
prongs: Massive, you say?
pavedparadise: Hush
pavedparadise: He was definitely staring at my ass, though
pavedparadise: But I’m a model employee, of course, so I was just like, “Can I help you?”
pavedparadise: And he smirked, eyeballed my unimpressive boobs (in my even more unimpressive XL work shirt!!!), and said, “Only if you need me to do a little more…RUBBING.”
prongs: What the fuck??!
prongs: That…
prongs: That doesn’t even make sense
prongs: It isn’t even the sort of come-on where you have to nod in admiration as you’re kicking his ass
prongs: (Speaking from the culturally appropriating and socially preferred standpoint of a guy, obviously)
prongs: So what did you do?
pavedparadise: I kicked him out
prongs: Really? Do you own the place?
pavedparadise: Nope. But the owner’s also a younger woman, so I figure she wouldn’t mind
pavedparadise: He wasn’t even angry. I just told him to please take his business elsewhere, and he laughed all the way out the door
prongs: God. Damn
prongs: Sometimes I am flabbergasted by the pure stupidity of the human race
pavedparadise: I’m particularly flabbergasted by how easily such stupidity can be concealed behind a pretty face
prongs: Can I get a better physical description of the guy? Like, was he Ryan Gosling level?
pavedparadise: NO ONE is Ryan Gosling level, Prongs
pavedparadise: But he really wasn’t bad
pavedparadise: Six feet, skinny, dark messy curls, dark eyes, freckles
prongs: Ah, of course
prongs: A shame I wasn’t there to tell you: the freckles are always a giveaway
prongs: Freckles=small dick=big ego
pavedparadise: I have freckles :-(
prongs: Girl edition: freckles=massive ass=unimpressive boobs
pavedparadise: Hey!!!
prongs: But don’t worry
prongs: You’ve got a heart as wide as the open road ;-)
pavedparadise: Do you get ALL your lines from bad country songs?
pavedparadise: God; the more I think about that, the less sense it makes
pavedparadise: The open road isn’t wide
pavedparadise: I don’t know where you’re from, but here in the western part of ’Murica, our highways are regulation width
prongs: You’ve got a heart as wide as a six-lane freeway ;-)
pavedparadise: With or without the roadkill?
prongs: Washington
pavedparadise: What?
prongs: Where I’m from. Washington State
pavedparadise: You’re not just supposed to admit that!
pavedparadise: I understand that the gender thing is based on a faulty, sexist system of parental warnings, but surely SOMEONE told you not to give out your address online?!
prongs: The site does filter by location
prongs: So I already know you live in Washington, too
prongs: Western Washington
prongs: To be precise
pavedparadise: Ugh
prongs: What’s the matter? Can’t handle my sleuthing capabilities?
pavedparadise: Maybe you should be the one named Padfoot
prongs: Don’t tell Padfoot
pavedparadise: I like Padfoot
pavedparadise: A man worldly enough to name himself after a feminine product is always a friend of mine
prongs: I doubt Padfoot could identify a single feminine product if you put a gun to his head
pavedparadise: …But surely? A tampon…?
prongs: Dubious
prongs: Can you see anything interesting from your window?
pavedparadise: Why; are you out there?
prongs: Yeah, I’m the naked one
pavedparadise: Which naked one?
prongs: Oh, you’d know ;-)
pavedparadise: Quit it with the winky faces!!!
pavedparadise: But yeah. I can. There’s this whole strand of beech trees, maybe twelve or thirteen of them, and they’re bending over almost to the ground. The wind just picked up
prongs: Anything else?
pavedparadise: There’s a cloud that looks like a dick
prongs: With or without balls?
pavedparadise: One ball
prongs: Ouch
pavedparadise: What can you see?
prongs: Padfoot feeding the goats
pavedparadise: You have goats?!
prongs: Are you one of those women who bypasses the physical and emotional qualities of a man in favor of his fondness for goats?
pavedparadise: I don’t know how to answer that
prongs: Well, I hate goats
pavedparadise: WHAT?
pavedparadise: I’ll take yours!!!!
prongs: Padfoot loves them too much
pavedparadise: Does he live with you, or does he just happen to be feeding your goats while you watch him from your window?
prongs: Lives with me
prongs: They’re his goats, really
prongs: He’s got a God-awful family. Old-money conservatives, which isn’t terrible in and of itself, I suppose, but they’re basically vampires on top of that
prongs: Physically abusive vampires
prongs: Set on extending the Trump administration for another fifty years through rigged lawsuits and ICE bribes
pavedparadise: You’re going to give me nightmares
prongs: Sirius has plenty
pavedparadise: Sirius?
prongs: *Padfoot
pavedparadise: That’s an odd name
pavedparadise: I could probably figure your identity out from that, you know
prongs: *Figure out your identity
prongs: Keep your phrases together
pavedparadise: Fuck you
pavedparadise: I could, though. Search “Adopted brother of disowned Sirius”, or something like that
prongs: Yeah? Do you want to?
pavedparadise: Not particularly
pavedparadise: It IS a bit frustrating that your profile contains no information other than a Shutterstock silhouette and the praying hands emoji
pavedparadise: What is that supposed to represent, anyway?
prongs: I’m your salvation, baby
pavedparadise: That missed the mark so completely that I can’t find the energy to more accurately critique it
prongs: Where’s your lengthy bio, then? Where’s your profile picture?
pavedparadise: You think I’d put my face up on a site like this?
prongs: I’m confused that your paranoia about Internet safety goes hand-in-hand with a presence on a dating site
prongs: We could just trade photos privately
pavedparadise: We don’t need to. You already know I have freckles
prongs: Wow, because that’s definitely all I need to know
pavedparadise: According to you it is
pavedparadise: Freckles, massive ass, unimpressive boobs
pavedparadise: You flatter me :-)
prongs: You know something?
prongs: I’ve never met an unimpressive pair of boobs in my LIFE
pavedparadise: How many have you met?
prongs: Oh, I’ve encountered quite a few in my time
pavedparadise: That sounds like false bravado to me.
pavedparadise: I bet you have freckles, because you’ve definitely got the small dick, big ego vibe going on
prongs: I don’t have any freckles, but I do have really obnoxious glasses that slide down the bridge of my nose
pavedparadise: You do NOT
prongs: And I have a mole on my left earlobe
pavedparadise: Like, on your earlobe?
prongs: Like, on my earlobe
prongs: Fascinating, I know
prongs: Now you owe me two Katya Feature Facts
pavedparadise: I have green eyes
pavedparadise: Also, you’re right. I don’t have unimpressive boobs
pavedparadise: They really don’t look good in the work shirt, though. I wasn’t lying about that