Work Text:
I recall that he spoke to me first.
It wasn't love. Merely an act of surveillance, of security. The cause's most prized scientist would be a dangerous traitor, after all-- But I was blatant about my lack of power-scrabbling ambition. My goals were different. Everything about me was different.
It was in both our natures to be curious, to seek what was not immediately available. But I was concerned about the laws of the universe and he, interpersonal dynamics. So very different, yet so very similar, as polar opposites are wont to be. I can say with confidence that together we made one productive, emotionally stable Cybertronian.
Time slogged on. The cause fell. Everyone changed, became less reliable, save for us. With the trust of reliability came the trust of working partners. He knew better than to press for much, but at the same time he asked far more questions than I did. It was refreshing, as it was when Megatron asked me so many questions when we met in Kaon. Someone else sought to understand me, without a hint of fear or horror.
The closest thing to a friend I had at that point was Megatron, though I would not be so bold as to proclaim such a thing. I did not trust my ability to read my relationships, much less bonds. Logic dictated that a kindness be returned with kindness unless you wish to pay a debt, and so return I did. With this, our data on one another grew considerably from when we had first met.
When did it become love?
Maybe it was a communication mishap, or a false positive, but the moment I suspected that he had feelings for me, I couldn't redact the thought from my processor.
I thought it was impossible at the time, you see. Nobody could ever trust me and be trustworthy while also wishing to become close to me. I was an untouchable. A mistake, a mutation. I was best used as a machine which gave results. That was the only manner in which I could benefit anybody. And yet...Somehow, it was possible that not the things that I did, but my very presence could be enough to spark joy within someone? Someone who would not jest about such matters, who values sincerity?
There's something magnetic about trusting someone to be a fair and kind partner. Something that makes you stand just that much closer, to prolong every millisecond of contact. I had never felt love for another, nor did I know how to express love, but it was very soon after I believed he held affections for me that I loved him. Of course, I didn't know it was love at the time, nor would I have used such flowery language. Romance is unprofessional, after all, and could lead to weakness... But it could also lead to strength, a voice in the back of my processor said.
We danced around one another for decades on end. Going through phases of attraction, distraction, avoidance.
I can't imagine what he was going through. I knew I tried to ignore my impulses as much as possible, and became incredibly frustrated with myself for thinking, without the concrete evidence of him declaring his affections, that I could be loved. At times, I cursed him in secret. I knew it wasn't his fault, that there must be something broken within me, but I cursed him nevertheless.
A mech with an EM field so powerful he could decipher thoughts, surely, could not find it in himself to care for a mech whose own field barely breached his spark chamber. A mech who spoke highly of empathizing for all frametypes would not possibly find himself drawn to me, who fails to empathize with the common Cybertronian. His past kindnesses were his own experiments, possibly to understand my motives, and it may have been the case that I had already shown too much weakness.
My frustration peaked, and I finally broke down to inquire as to his motivations. I was forced to swallow my pride as I admitted that I didn't understand social dynamics as well as most, despite my years. I made it clear that if he were attempting some form of flirtation, that he would have to confront me directly about the matter. It would be a waste of both our time to be otherwise.
He hesitated for what seemed like an eternity, and then proceeded to inquire as to how I would hypothetically approach a relationship. This gave me pause, as I had not considered what I would do in such a situation, but I eventually gave him my best estimation of my approach to such things. In his case, I would accept with the understanding that we were not to be distracted from our work, but we would support one another in times both well and unwell. That is the point of a relationship, after all, yes?
Whatever the case, he seemed satisfied with my answer, and told me that he would require a few days to mull over it. This was fine with me-- it was enough of a relief to know that his gestures were not some form of prank.
When he approached me in my lab and proposed that we form an alliance that was bound by more than the ties of business professionalism, I agreed, as I said I would. We shook hands on it, and scheduled a time to meet casually on our off hours. The first of many outings...
I wonder where he is right now. I wonder... If he looks upon our past with the same fondness that I do.
Wherever you are, Soundwave... I loved you.