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It’s not very long after the human left Eden that Aziraphael is summoned back in Heaven. The convocation is odd, the Garden hadn’t had this much activity since its creation, he thought to be of utility here, at dismantling the Garden and spreading it all over Earth. It was a bit sad to destroy such a perfect work many Angels had put their heart and soul to create, but at the same time it felt like they were just enlarging it. But odd or not, the call was clear and he didn’t make Heaven wait. You never made Heaven wait.
God Holy Palace was still in reconstruction after the war, all the Angels were busy so he did not peak any problem until a Virtue crossed eye with him and quickly turned away. Strange, but not impossible, he was a Cherub and lower orders could be intimidated or curious of above cast. After all the highest Orders had the God-given right and possibility to hid not only from their pair but from God Herself, a pledge of trust and loyalty. Few had revealed themselves to others, himself, barely had shown glimpses of what his all-being was, only God knew him. She made him after all. He was used to be stared at, some wanted to know, to see and he didn’t bother of that fact. Though, he didn’t recall any Angel feeling intimidated enough to be afraid to stare. But maybe time had changed after the war, curiosity and wonder were reduced, by fear it went too far.
He was going to push this detail aside as he walked closer to God’s Throne but he stopped in his track when he saw another Cherub turn away from him.
He was not the only one, now that he was paying attention, not a single Angel watched him. They all turned away at the moment they caught sight of him. Unusual. He continued to walk toward God’s Throne, where he had been convoked and passed its dense concealing veil. Seraphiel was here, which probably meant Metatron was here too even if he couldn’t see him around yet. All the other Arch-Angel were present too. Michael stood in front of the Throne, the others were aligned on the side. He turned his head toward Gabriel but at the second their eyes crossed, his fellow Cherub lowered his head to avoid him. None of them greeted him or even watched him.
Really, what an exaggeration, even if he had failed in his duty it was not a reason to ignore him that way. If he was not one to fervor conflict, he still would have preferred an open one instead of this cold rejection.
« Ah ! Aziraphael ! » Metatron walked past him. The only Arch-Angel that had been missing when he entered the room was the only one who actually watched him directly. « Great, we wanted to talk to you, can you wait here ? » He leads Aziraphael to the center of the room, joined the Throne and disappeared without another word. Typical.
Michael was in front of him and he, no they, she ? He wasn’t sure Michael had begun a transformation since the war had been won and hadn’t settled on anything yet, they, he should use they for now. They stared at him harshly. It made him apprehensive. Michael had proved themself admirably during the Great Angel War, not a single Angels in Heaven would be able to defeat them, actually, if all Heaven turned against Michael, they wouldn’t be able to crush them down. It was how powerful they were. So having them staring at him was something.
He waited.
They all waited, as the celestial harmony took back their place, disturbed occasionally as all the other Seraphim, Cherubim and Thrones joined them. Standing behind the Arch-Angel in silence, avoiding him like plague just like everybody. It was long before anything happened. Aziraphael started to feel an uneasy pressure, he wanted it to be over already. He had been convoked many times before, but never any of his sibling had avoided him that way, like he was going to fall. It was ridiculous. He had fought bravely during the Great Angels War, all like the other, it had left him with a painful and near disabling wound on his legs. He had been in the front line, defending Heaven fiercely. Proving his loyalty and service. For sure it was remembered, he wasn’t going to Fall, not over this, beside he was alone right now, there have been four of them guarding the Garden of Eden and they were all in this room, ignoring him, why was he the only one at the center of attention ? He didn’t get any of their reactions.
But finally Metatron made their way back and walked in front of him.
« Aziraphael. » Their tone was partly kind and rightfully curious. « Why did you let the demon tempt the human female ? » He started right away. Metatron was not known to turn around a subject.
Aziraphael took a second before he answered.
« I was not aware of his presence before he did his evil deed. »
« Not aware ? » Metatron paused a second. « You were supposed to watch the Garden, make sure no evil would enter, am I right ? It was your duty as guardian of the Garden of Eden. »
« Yes. »
« Yet you’ve let a demon enter the Garden, right ? »
« I did not actually let him, he just entered. »
« But you did not stop him from entering ? »
« No, like I said, I was aware of his presence after Eve took a bite of the Apple. Forcing me to share the knowledge of good and evil with her, then with Adam. »
« So you admit you failed your duty as Guardian of the Eastern Gate of Eden. » He asked.
Aziraphael didn’t answer. Technically he did fail, but there was more than just these facts to take in consideration, we wanted to be sure they were mentioned. Metatron continued.
« So you didn’t see or felt the Demon enter the Garden ? »
« No. »
« You did not protect the inhabitant of the Garden from this snake before he tempts Eve. »
« No, I did see the snake, but I did not recognize him as evil, I thought he was a creature of God. When I realized it was Demon, it was too late. »
« You thought … hm. So you admit you failed your duty as Guardian of the Eastern Gate of Eden ? » They repeated.
« I must point out, I was not the only one guarding the Garden. Why am I the only one convoked ? »
« Oh yes. » Metatron exclaimed condescendingly, as if the answer was obvious. « You were the one on Apple Tree duty, am I right ? »
« Yes. »
« Yet you did not see nor react when the demon approached you as the Tree ? Right ? » He repeated, if Aziraphael knew they dug for some detail, it was still irritating to not being heard, or at least feel like he was not heard.
« I did not sense him, I would have reacted, otherwise. »
« You did not sense him ? »
« No, there was no evil coming from the snake. »
« So you’ve been lured. »
« I do not know how he was able to mask his evil aura to me. But I do not think I have.. »
Metatron shut him up with a gesture and pondered the facts an instant.
« So you admit you failed your duty as Guardian of the Eastern Gate of Eden ? » Aziraphael didn’t answer just yet so Metatron continued feeling it was necessary to expose more clearly the facts to this Cherub. « See, you failed your duty, as you let a demon penetrate the Garden, let it tempt the Human and let it run free of harm. Was it, by inaptitude or negligence on your part. So do you admit you failed your duty as Guardian of the Eastern Gate of Eden ? »
This time, Aziraphael didn’t have much choice. « Yes, I admit, I failed my duty to protect Eden and the Human from the harm of a demon, but I was not alo.. » Metatron stopped him right away once again and started walking around him.
« You may not have been alone to protect the Garden of Eden, but it’s irrelevant, you are the one who failed. You were the Tree, the one holding the most responsibilities. The Knowledge. You shared it and the Human were banned. It was your duty to protect them, to keep them inside the Garden. »
« It was my order to share the knowledge if they ate the fruit. »
« Yes, but you see, the Human shouldn’t have been led to eat the apple. I know you fought bravely during the war Aziraphael. Your service had always been flawless. But I think we did entrust you with too many obligations. We are sorry. We didn’t see you were inapt to fill such an important duty. »
« I’m not inapt.. » Metatron cut him.
« But you failed to see the threat before it was too late. So what shall we call it ? Sloth on your duty ? Pride in your abilities ? I don’t think so, I really do think you were just incompetent for the task assigned to you. We asked too much of you. »
Aziraphael started to feel a queasiness. He didn’t like were all that was going.
« It may be hard to understand for you. » Aziraphael took on himself the condescending attitude and made sure not to react. Metatron took him for an idiot. « But ultimately, the order was to keep the Human inside the Garden, you failed to do that. »
Aziraphael tensed up.
« I assure you, this will not reproduce, I will not fail again. »
« No indeed, you won’t. » Aziraphael was puzzled by this answer, it could mean many things and he frankly wasn’t sure of what.
A bright light illuminated the whole room and a strong feeling of Love filled it, piercing them. God was showing Herself.
The veil around the room collapsed and let appear most, if not all the Angels, from all order and all legion behind them, Aziraphael hadn’t seen as many Angels reunited so closely before at the exception of the Great Angel War.
Worry started to fill his being, he moved his wings, hiding his uneasiness behind them. But this simple move was a show of anxiety. Metatron stepped away when God presented a hand-like form to him to climb on top. He did. And at the moment he stepped on Her, he was washed over by Love and Light.
Her Love, Her Light at their pure form.
It felt wonderful, like the day She had made him. He fell on his knees, struck by the sensation. How guilty he felt, to have let her project be corrupted by those who She had given birth to and who betrayed Her.
He wanted to apologize, he wanted to implore forgiveness, but his words fell dry in his throat, there was nothing he could say, She already knew.
His focus was caught away from Her when he heard his name.
« Aziraphael ! » Metatron talked mightily like he was used to so everybody could hear him, heard what God has to say as he was the Voice of God. If the whole first order could hear Her, the rest needed Metatron to translate. « For failing your duty as Guardian of the Eastern Gate of Eden, for failing your duty of holding the knowledge of good and evil as the Apple Tree, for failing to protect the Humans from the temptation of a Demon, leading to their banishment of the Garden of Eden, due to your inaptitude to accomplish what you were created for, you are to be retrograded to a cast judged appropriate for your abilities. »
Dread filled Aziraphael, making a weird mix with God’s Love. Whispers replete the room. Demotion was rare. Only one other case had happened at the beginning of Angels creation, another Cherub. Many newer Angel hadn’t even existed when it had occurred. For many it was the first time they saw such a thing, as they only knew order as opposed to chaos and the Fall.
« Remembers ! You are to do your duty as ordered, failure is not acceptable and appropriate punishment is bound to fall on those who become inept to fulfill their assigned task. See for yourself what happens. »
Aziraphael stayed still as panic broke into his gut. It couldn’t be, it was not his damn fault, at least not just his fault, this couldn’t be happening, they couldn’t..
A warm wind made Aziraphael feathers stir. It wasn’t much until the first feather detached from one of his wings. He caught it quickly and raised a worried look at Her. He felt two more being torn off from the pair of wings that God gave him to hide. He whined.
No, no no no no, oh no !
« Please ! Have mercy, I won’t disappoint you again. I won’t fail my duty again ! I swear. » He begged, his voice cracking. His legs started shaking under him. He tried to keep calm in vain as a heavy pressure came crushing his chest.
A handful of feathers flew away, leaving an uncovered spot on his body. He covered it as best he could. He was suddenly very conscious of the eyes on him, starring, judging, seeing him. No way ! Nobody had seen him since his creation. It was not going to happen. It couldn’t.
The wind blew harder, pushing his flying wings away. Multiples of his eyes closed, bothered by the blow and some stayed that way, sealing in his skin as if they were sewed, it was a sick sensation that he didn’t manage to rub away.
« Please, I swear ! Everything but that. » He pleaded, but God didn’t flinch a second at his shaking self.
More and more feathers fell and he caught as many as he could to keep them, to cover himself with them, it was pointless, but what could he do ? All Heaven was going to see him. Naked and raw in his true form.
« The more you resist, the longer it will take. » Metatron informed at his side, but he ignored him.
What had been a minor inconvenience was growing to pain exponentially. The first feathers had felt like a sting, then it grew to irritation until one hurt. He felt used and rubbed harshly to the point of pain. The base of each feather started to hurt in the forceful blow, detaching from his skin in a sick wiggle. He barely had lost a third of his feathers when the pain became excruciating.
He screamed.
The blow dried the freshly uncovered skin of his wings, piercing the muscles, eroding it until it bleeds gold, pieces were torn off by the strength of the gust. But he was determined, stubborn to keep the pair of wings around him, his hands gripped God Herself to ground him and he used all his fortitude to keep stability as God used enough power to crush him if he dared to move imprudently.
Tension and tiredness had reason of his other pair of wings, his flying one. He couldn’t keep them folded anymore. They broke like stick in a tornado when ultimately the gust got them. He let out a high painful cry. At least he was still hidden. Partially. Tears fell on the cheeks of his Humanoid face, his Lion growled in grief, while the Ox one, agitated, was bellowing. Only his Eagle face kept calm, watching with piercing and judging eyes the crowd of Angels immobile and observing him getting torn apart.
None of them said a thing, none of them moved, none of them was outraged by what was happening. He was a show for them, and they enjoyed it for sure. Finally, peaking a look at the true form of a Cherub, assuredly none of them would miss a second of it. It made him sick. By what right they had to see him ? They should turn away from him, by respect or by compassion, he didn’t care, just as long as they didn’t watch, but they all did. Not even twitching as his feathers were torn away. Not even ashamed.
When more than half of his feathers were gone, the pain and sensation had become unbearable. It was driving him to madness, he couldn’t take it. He seized his skull with his four hands, fingers digging in his head and he lowered his frame, making himself as small as possible. Unholy scream escaped him.
Make it stop !
Finally, his wings were torn off his body, exposed in the blow and his body uncurled, he didn’t have enough strength to crawl back low and tiny, he barely had enough to resist the gust. His vision became all white as his agony grew higher.
No more !
When the wind stopped, the tension of his effort to stay still released and he crashed hardly forward on his injured leg. The throbbing pain was not much beside his raw wings but it still made him cry. Only few feathers had resisted, his beautiful colorful feathers, his skin was torn and crackled, blood was spilling on God hand. All he had left was fractured bones and a semblance of dignity. He barely had anything to hide from all the eyes in the room, but at least it was something. It took him some time to find enough vigor to raise again, even just a bit. He didn’t want to look like a corpse lying around.
His vision hadn’t come back yet when he painfully crawled closer to God, hopeful, he tried to calm his shaking frame and gathered bravery to appear grateful. He still felt God Love flow in him, as strong as it had always been, it gave him some tenacity. He couldn’t break not now. She made him, She was everything, She wasn’t wrong, he was.
« I understand, I’ve disappointed you ! I’ve been rightfully punished, I’ve learned the lesson, and I will never fail you again. »
« SILENCE ! » She said right into his core.
Terror crawled in all his being, his whole body started to shake again uncontrollably. His vision finally came back and his true form started to crawl into the open. His last effort to conceal his form broke and he painfully moved his wings to hide as much as he could his back from the other Angel, it wouldn’t be of much use though, he couldn’t stop it from showing, not really, just slow it down, just, maybe, for a moment keep it shadowed with what stayed of his wings and power.
It revealed. A massive shiny black ball pierced his skin, rings turned around it and multicolor light escaped from it. Two larger rings appeared around him, turning slowly, casting light all around his frame.
Just half. For now it was just half of him.
Being seen felt atrocious. If it had just been God it would have been okay, the dread of being seen wouldn’t weight in his mind, he would gladly open for Her, show everything, let Her see him raw and deep, but everybody was watching him, all Heaven had eyes on him. He was vulnerable. Exposed for the very first time and it was.. Humiliating to be reduced so low, forced in the open without choice.
« Mercy ! Have mercy ! I served you perfectly all this time, I implore for your forgiveness. » He pleaded.
She didn’t answer, instead she seized him by his still feathered pair of wings, crushing them like dry leaves, which made Aziraphael scream forcefully, and lifted him in the air in front of everybody. He moved his wings, his sacred wings, back to his front with difficulty to hide whatever he could. But not for long, She spread them away from his body, uncovering him.
More tears fell on his face as shame and disgust broke into his chest, he was seen. He tried everything to look away but he felt their eyes on him, all over his sacred body. All he wanted was an escape, a place to hide, anything to leave this nightmare, but he was bound in God grip.
Metatron lifted at his level.
« Aziraphael ! God revokes you from your birth given right to privacy, from Her and your pairs. »
« No ! Please ! » He pleaded.
Michael, who he hadn’t seen coming, jumped right on his back, crushing him against God and held him tightly. She seized his right wing and teared it off. Skin ripped and his bones at the basis were pulled away from him. Golden blood spilled on his back in a huge flow. His screams resonated in his head, powerful and breaking and he only stopped, by shock, when he saw his wing being thrown in front of him. No ! He barely had the time to realize what had just happened that he felt his other wing being caught and teared apart like the other. His skin broke in shred and the wing crushed on the other one like nothing.
Now he was truly naked.
Exposed.
Raw in front of every eye.
All Heaven..
.. Could see him..
.. And his true form..
..Was not held back.
All of the rings around the black core rose to turn around him like the other two, his light was brighter, the color intense and the halo above his head, like a crown, appeared.
He nearly ignored that fact, as he shakingly tried to grab his lost limbs. Pulling it at him to hide, but he was stopped by Michael rough grip. They pulled out their sword and cut one of his two pairs of arms. He crushed on the floor in another scream, more blood spilled from his wound, cold and burning at the same time. He couldn’t move, too overwhelmed by the pain he had endured until now.
His respite lasted for just a few seconds before Michael pulled him back on his knees by grabbing his hair to keep him still. The wound in his leg awaken by the effort and it raised his pain again.
« It’s not over. » They said with a hollow voice that had not stabilized into something yet.
Aziraphael couldn’t say anything, not anymore, his agony had no end and despite still feeling God’s Love he felt terror for what was following.
Not over yet ? What were they going to take next ?
At the second he asked this question in his mind, a burning strike hit him on the head. His eyes opened wide as he felt the Lion head lazily fall. He caught it before it reached God form and barely had the strength to hold it.
No ! Mercy, have mercy. Forgive me ! Don’t take the other, I’m begging you ! Please !
If his voice didn’t raise, he knew God had heard him, it didn’t matter. His Eagle head was the second to fall, cut with the same thoroughness as the first by God all knowing touch. Despite the excruciating pain he freed himself from Michael grip and protected with his arms his two other heads. His huge rings turned faster, in an attempt to prevent more harm on him. It was pointless, of course, he desperately knew it.
Forgive me ! He prayed.
« DOWN ! » God ordered, and his arm, fell on the floor, his rings stopped, leaving both head vulnerable. It was not long before the Ox one fell too. He weakfully touched the bleeding wound.
How could this happen ? He had failed in his duty sure, but he didn’t deserve that ! How cruel it was to cut, never would he have his head back, it’s definitive.
He teared down on the floor, nausea sickened him and cold filled his wound. He crawled on himself, shaking as he felt his rings crack. One fell completely and turned to nothingness at the second it touched God. Michael finished breaking five more. It wasn’t a hard job, without the head, they had turned fragile. In the end, he only had two left. Two rings by head, he had lost three heads so he had lost six rings.
It was over, right ?
God wouldn’t take more from him, right ?
He had been punished enough, right ?
His despair felt like hope, maybe he wouldn’t lose more. Maybe. God caught him again, he saw his limbs and head pathetically fall on the pure white and clean floor of Heaven as he was lifted in the air once again. His core broke even more at this sight as he felt God envelop him completely. It was like a warm cocoon of love and light, and it was enough to calm him a little.
She still loved him.
« Forgive me, forgive me for my failure and my doubt in respect of your decision. I’m grateful.. » He wasn’t. « .. For the lesson, I implore your pardon. I will always love, respect and obey you. »
« DON’T LIE TO ME AZIRAPHAEL ! I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL. »
He squirmed. No hiding, yes, he wasn’t used to being fully seen and understood by Her. Panic took over him. He had made a mistake, he lied to the face of God.
It was enough to make him fall right ?
Pressure crushed his being until each molecule started to dislocate, each atom returning free in a fully controlled space. It was not unusual, his body would reform, what worried him, though, was a strange feeling.
Something was leaving him and he didn’t realize what exactly until it reached a certain point, until it was enough to prove him it was happening.
God’s Love was thinner.
Her light lower.
« No ! No ! NO ! Don’t make me fall, please ! Let me stay ! No ! I’m loyal to you ! I serve you ! Mercy ! Have mercy, I don’t want to fall ! Please ! » He pleaded scratching against God grip to free himself or at least try to catch Her attention.
Her Love was leaving him, or more exactly, he was becoming numb to it, incapable to feel it the way he had since his creation.
It’s the worst feeling he has ever experienced in his entire existence. The Great Angel War ? The loss of so many siblings ? His war wound ? His restless duty ? His recent loss and humiliation ? It was nothing in front of that.
Ultimately he just stopped protesting, God decisions are irrevocable. There was nothing he could do but to accept. He just let the cold take him as he felt his essence being crushed by God. If it was not painful, the distortion of his self afraid him. Ultimately, he was only fear.
Then, nothing.
He was shut down for an instant before he could open his eyes again, they were back, well some were back, just a few. Things changed, he is not quite the same, truly he is, he has his memory, his thought, his feeling, his leg wound is still there but he also feels weak, raw, and something is definitely missing. The cocoon that envelops him is golden and shiny.
It’s pretty. He thinks as he awake. I want to stay like this forever.
He crashes on the Heaven floor.
The golden protection broke in million fragments and disappears. As he emerges, he is pretty sure people are talking, but he cannot understand them. His ears are still sensible, his senses are not yet used to the exterior.
As he turns his head, only head, he sees one of his past wings, those who hide and he realizes how exposed he is. No ! No way ! His primal instinct kick back and he crawls to it, want to hide behind it but as the moment he touch the broken limbs it falls into dust which soon disappear completely. He whines.
No, please !
Tears fell on his cheeks as he reaches for his second mutilated wing, and all it does is disappears in his hand like the other, same for his arms. He wants to run toward his heads, still lying lifeless on the floor too, but his whole being is painful, he is not even sure he could stand up, so again, he crawls. The Eagle one turn to dust, as well as the Ox one. He knows what will happen, but he still reaches for the Lion, he barely had the time to hug it that it turns into nothingness.
« No ! » He whisper brokenly. Everything is gone.
Metatron voice raise. « For failing in your duty, you are to fall from Cherub to Principality, Aziraphale. From this day, your job is to protect and guide those you failed before, right on Earth. »
Aziraphale, not Aziraphael. The difference this thin, but harsh.
He turn to him with a defying look that Metatron totally ignore.
Cherub to Principality ?
The realization hit hard. His hands reach for his head and all he can feel his scars of where his heads were, his rings are all gone, even the two he had left, as well as his shiny black core. He has two halos now, typical of principality.
A stung caught his attention and he feels something slide on his back, as he touch it to check on it he sees it’s blood, golden blood, just like all the Cherubim.
« My blood his gold, Principalities’ blood is pink, I’m still a Cherub ! » He affirms right in the face of Metatron, a fierce defying glare.
The voice of God just crouch at his side.
« You know you are a principality now Aziraphale, I know you can feel it. » Aziraphale eyes start to tear down, his chin shake and he does everything he can to stay proper, in vain. « It’s true only Cherub blood is golden, yours should be pink like every principality, but we wanted to make sure you remember the lesson. That you face your past, see that you have failed in your duty and do not reproduce your error. It’s for your good, we want to make sure you don’t fail again. »
With just that he leaves back to be aside God, in parallel of Michael.
Gabriel is next to walk to him. A feeling of relief wash over him, they didn’t always get along, but they mostly had a good relationship as fellow Cherubim. Though, as he focus on his face, he sees things are different.
« I will be the one to supervise you from now on Aziraphale, you are to report to me on the advancement of your duty. » And just like that he leaves back in the rank.
The cold interaction hit him harder than he thought, he is not important now, he is close to nothing. The close relationships he had with others are over.
« See, this is what can happen if you fail in your duty. » Metatron says loudly to all the Angels.
Aziraphale feel sick. They said it would be an appropriate punishment, this is not appropriate. This is.. This is..
« Aziraphale. » He calls. « Remember that God loves you Aziraphale ! »
It’s true, he can still feel her Love and Light, he didn’t fall, he is not cast out, but it doesn’t feel the same as before. She still loves him, yes.
She does.
It’s not enough.
He knows what it is to feel Her Loves and Light, and he already miss it ! He wants it back, he wants it all back. How can he exist like this ? When he knows what it feels like to be closer to Her.
It’s worse than anything.
« Now return to your duty. » Metatron order.
And all angels leave. He is pretty sure he has to leave too, but he can’t really, pain is still throbbing all over his body and exhaustion crush him. His wound are still there, still bleeding. How will he leave ? He can’t even stand up. Then he feels arms lift him, two Principalities drag him out like the other. Yes, he is with them now.
They don’t talk to him. Once outside, they just leave him alone on the floor, still crippled by what had just happened to him. Nobody comes to check on him, they all ignore him, not even the lead of the Principalities want to do anything with him.
Calm return and he is there, gathering his strength, but all he feels is weakness and hopelessness.
He is alone,
Have lost it all,
But at least,
He did not Fall.
End.