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Nazuna set his uniform on table, folded neatly, as if were to be worn again. He was always grateful to be dressed up in such stunning, perfectly made clothes, so the least he could do was give them a proper goodbye.
He turned to leave, and a hand grabbed his wrist. Mismatched eyes stared up at him, tears threatening to spill over. If he walked out now, it would really be the end. He stared at the floor.
"Please don't go."
The voice he'd worked so hard to regain failed him. All he wanted to say, all he was going to say, hung in the air. The two of them knew each other's silence. Mika's grip loosened.
Nazuna pulled his arm away. It wasn't Mika's fault. It was no one's but his own. He pulled Mika into a hug. Dejected sniffling came from over his shoulder as the other held him tightly, not wanting to let go. Maybe one day he too would be imperfect enough to cry.
"I'm sorry."
With that, he had to pull himself away, walk out, and let the door shut behind him.
--
A month later, Mika kept a secret from Shu for the first time.
The live was sparse. He guessed that Ra*bits wasn't all that popular. He sat in the third row, wearing an eyepatch, as if that made any difference. When Nazuna scanned the crowd, they locked eyes for just a moment. If he recognized Mika, he didn't show it. He just split into his crowd-pleasing grin as the music started.
It might have been then that Mika got a glimpse of how he truly felt. Confusing, wrong, imperfect emotions. His voice sounded so beautiful now, his smile so bright. Mika felt so happy for him. He stormed out of the live in anger. Nazuna's steps fell a half-second behind as he watched him go. Nobody mentioned it.
--
The fall came, and with the cooling of weather, the cooling of temperament.
Valkyrie was two now. One buried himself in his projects, spending sleepless nights trying to channel his creativity. The other buried himself in part-time work, trying to keep them afloat without knowing how to swim.
The third dug his way out, and the rabbits waited for him with towels to clean the dirt. When he himself saw the light, he wanted to bring others with him.
--
Mika couldn't sleep. He wasn't sure what hurt. His stomach, his legs, his heart. Maybe all of the above. He stared at the stars, trying to find the pictures that others saw, his mind going everywhere and nowhere all at once. He was startled back to reality by the buzzing of his phone.
[22:04] 🐇: Are you awake?
His heart pounded. Whether out of anger or joy, he couldn't tell. Anger was safe. He shouldn't reply. How dare that traitor try to message him? What could he want? He opened the reply box to think of something to say.
[22:05] 🐇: Probably not. You don't seem like you get enough sleep lately, though.
And what did he care? It was his fault he had to work so hard. He closed the reply box.
[22:08] 🐇: Whether you're reading or not, I guess I just wanted to say that we should have lunch together tomorrow.
[22:10] 🐇: On the rooftop. Itsuki doesn't have to know.
[22:15] 🐇: I get if you don't want to come. That guy's probably been telling you I have ulterior motives.
[22:17] 🐇: But really, I miss you, you know.
[22:25] 🐇: I never got to thank you. Even when I was at my lowest, you stayed by my side.
[22:27] 🐇: So I guess I just thought
[22:30] 🐇: If we can talk one more time
[22:31] 🐇: I sound like an idiot now. Never mind all that.
[22:32] 🐇: I mean it about the lunch, though.
[22:35] 🐇: Goodnight, Mika-chin.
Mika threw his phone down on the bed, immediately disregarding the messages and going to sleep. How stupid did that guy think he was, to try and "meet up with him for lunch"?
--
The next day he grabbed his lunch and made a beeline for the rooftop.
Before he saw Nazuna, he heard him, humming an unfamiliar tune. His voice had completely dropped, out of the range of the soprano that Shu loved so much. But it's not like it sounded bad. His eyes fell on the other, tapping along to the rhythm, smiling nonchalantly.
"'Zat what ya wanted to talk ta me about? How happy ya are now that ya've left us behind?"
Nazuna started.
"I- No, nothing like that, I was just waiting for you."
"Cause I know yer happy. Yer comfortable going along with yer life, playin' games, puttin' on cute li'l shows. I'm happy too. Cause I'm never gonna betray Oshi-san's vision. N' I'd never leave 'im. Cause I know how much he does fer me, n' I appreciate it."
The words took Nazuna back. Even if Mika was angry in a way he'd never seen before, his eyes welled up.
"You're right."
"... eh?"
"You're right. I left you two behind for selfish reasons. Despite how much you've done for me. But even then, you still come to our lives. Does Itsuki know about that?"
"How did ya know-?"
"The eyepatch sticks out more than your eyes do, Mika-chin."
"... no, he doesn' know."
"Why would you go so far to keep a secret from him if you don't want to see me?"
He didn't have an answer to that. He didn't know himself.
"And you showed up here. That's what I wanted to talk about. You don't have to hate me, you know."
"I don'. I can't hate ya. But I oughta."
"If you buy into every emotion Itsuki wants you to feel, you'll stop being yourself."
"If Oshi-san doesn' want me to be me, then it doesn' matter."
"I want you to be you. And so does Itsuki. The only reason Valkyrie has been holding itself together for so long is because of you. If you end up like I did, it will fall apart."
"Wouldn' ya like that."
"No. I wouldn't. I want to be your friend again, Mika-chin. I want you to be happy. Really happy. Not biding your time, trying to stifle yourself to be perfect."
"I don' wanna be yer friend."
"Then what do you want us to be?"
"I don' know. But not friends."
"Do you want to eat lunch together?"
"... yea."
"Then come sit."
Still hesitant, Mika took a seat on the bench next to Nazuna, at which point the latter started happily unwrapping his bento. He'd made it himself, but even then, seeing the rice formed in the shape of a little bunny always lifted his spirits. Raising his face as he ate a piece of it, he noticed Mika staring.
"Nazuna-n... senpai. Are ya really happier with those kids?"
"I am."
"Why?"
His tone had shifted, from accusatory to resigned, confused even, trying genuinely to understand.
"I just don' get it. Oshi-san loves ya. Yer perfect. We coulda... made it back. Cause ya two are geniuses."
"We could have. But I'm not perfect. And there's more to life than being revered. There's more to love, too. If Itsuki doesn't love me when I act like myself, then all along, he was just treating me like a possession. I don't want that kind of admiration. Not from him, and not from an audience. So I decided I would rather be mediocre and happy than placed at the top in a glass cage. And those kids... You know better than anyone how it feels to see kids that need help. I couldn't leave them alone."
"I guess I get that... I still don' get any of that other stuff. If I'd been where ya were, I'd be the happiest person in the world."
"You don't really have to get it. We can be different without being enemies. Also, why did you call me senpai just now?"
"'t feels weird ta call you like a brother."
Nazuna's face fell.
"Not that I hate ya. I... I don'. No matter what, 'll always like ya. But not like a brother any more."
"Then just call me Nazuna."
"Eh? Nazuna... 't sounds kinda weird on its own."
"Then that's your problem now. I've done all I can." He gave a lighthearted smile, and Mika started laughing. That small action seemed to release the floodgates on his emotions. It was too late now to ever act like he had animosity for Nazuna. He could at least express what he did feel.
"I... I missed ya too, Nazuna. I always... left yer lives, cause it wasn't right fer me to be happy at 'em. But yer smile is so pretty now. I like seein' it, so..."
"Well, I usually eat up here, so you can come by any time you want."
"Yeah... Iunno. I'm no good at hidin' stuff from Oshi-san, and Iunno how he'd feel about all this."
"Right, I guess that's true. Then you can text me. Oh, speaking of that." He set his lunch aside, swallowing his last bites, and looking at Mika.
"I really did want to say thank you. With my own voice. So, thank you for always being there for me. And for showing up today. And for hearing me out."
Mika didn't know what to say, so he mumbled out a "yer welcome" and dug into his own food. Their breaths intermingled with the wind, and it carried them away into new beginnings.
--
The autumn died away, and snow covered the ground.
Contact was sparser than either would have liked. Between their work, paranoia about being caught in the act of having friends, and sleep schedules or lack thereof, they would occasionally send each other cute pictures or midnight texts, but nothing substantial. These last few days, Mika had been entirely neglecting his messages.
Now it was the time of year for a small break. Mika found himself in a cafe, musing over what to order. Typically he let Arashi order and just stole small bites, but today he was alone and chilled. Hot chocolate would always do the trick, he figured. The doorbell chimed, and he made nothing of it.
His stuttering over his order was gracelessly interrupted by a "Mika-chin!"
Nazuna quickly cleared the distance between them. "A black tea, please, and a..." he started to the cashier, glancing at Mika.
"Wh- I was orderin', ya can't cut!"
"I'm paying for you, obviously."
"Then that will be a black tea and a hot chocolate?" the cashier replied in a chipper but hollow tone.
"No-" "Yes." Nazuna pulled out some bills, and took Mika to a table in the corner.
"Nazuna," Mika whined.
"It's fine. You know friends buy each other gifts, right?"
"We ain't friends."
"Right. Anyway, now we can chat. We haven't ended up together in a while, have we?"
"Nah, we haven't... Think I've talked to Hajime-kun more'n you."
"You're both always working, huh. He does talk about you sometimes."
"Really? What's he say?"
"Nothing I don't already know. That you're always working hard, treating him nicely, digging through the trash. Do you come to this cafe often? I don't think I've ever seen you."
"Eh, once in a while. Usually with Naru-chan, cause then we can split somethin'."
"Are you hungry? We can get something to eat, too."
"Yer such a worrywart. 'm fine. Mosta the stuff here would upset my stomach anyways."
"Ah, right. Well, still. Every time I see you, I feel the need to feed you, so I'll bring you some cookies or something tomorrow."
"You really don' gotta!" Despite saying it, Mika flushed at the prospect.
"Ahaha, you're so cute. I'll bring you some cookies, and burn them a little."
"Nazuna, I-"
Whatever he wanted to say was cut off, and certainly forgotten, by their drinks being brought to the table. Nazuna eagerly dipped into his after loading it up with sugar, while Mika was content to hold the mug and let its warmth seep into his hands for a while.
"Hey, Nazuna?"
"Mmh?"
"I've been thinkin'. Yer really... cute. N' good ta me, even when I ain't good ta you. N' really... a great person. So I said we ain't friends, but. I think I decided what I wanna be."
"Did you?" His face seemed uncharacteristically pink-tinged.
"Yea. I wanna be yer b... boyfriend." As soon as the word left his mouth, Mika wanted to run away. There was no recourse from this. He could never talk to Nazuna again. He hid his face in his sleeves.
Soon gentle hands were pulling at his own, and when the light hit his eyes it came in the form of Nazuna's beautiful smile as he scooted himself close enough to give Mika a kiss on the cheek, and laugh as he was lit aflame with embarrassment.
"I was thinking the same thing."