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Rukia hated the rain.
It reminded her of things she wanted to forget.
It reminded her of Ichigo's pain. Of how quiet he became whenever droplets would begin to fall from the sky. Of how he refused to tell her what was wrong, even though he'd never hid anything from her before. Of how much it hurt to see him cry in anguish when Kugo took his powers. Of how she could do nothing but watch as it soaked him wet and disguised itself with his tears.
The rain was cruel to Ichigo and that's why she hated it. That's why she had to stop it for him whenever it threatened to fall and hurt him again.
But, she also hated the rain because it reminded her of Kaien. It reminded her of her shaking hands gripping her sword as it impaled the man she admired more than anyone else in the world. It reminded her of his cold body pressed against hers as blood spilled from the wound in his chest. A wound she bestowed upon him. It reminded her of his last words, of him entrusting his heart with her because she, no one else, would protect it with her own life.
She hated the rain that wasn't loud enough to mask her screams the night she lost him. The rain that mocked her and reminded her she wasn't the only one who cried, that her tears were nothing compared to the heavy drops falling from above.
She hates the rain. But, she knows Ichigo hates it just as much. So, she swallows her own sorrows and searches for him. Because he needs her, even if all she can offer is her silent company as her own heart mourns inside her chest.
She finds him on a hill, just above the cemetery. She thinks about asking him why he chose this place, but stops herself when she remembers it must be because of his mother. Rukia doesn't know much about her, just that she was a great woman, a Quincy, who died too young. Rukia doesn't say anything as she sits next to Ichigo on the ground. He's in his Shinigami form and it leaves her wondering where he left his human body, and whether or not he really cares about that right now.
"You know, you'll get sick if you stand out here without an umbrella," she says and almost slaps herself because of course he can't get sick when he's a shinigami and she knows it. Stupid, stupid, stupid.
Ichigo doesn't say anything and Rukia is both glad and very concerned. Glad he didn't acknowledge her stupid mistake, but worried he might not even know she's here right now. Rukia curses herself for a second time. She had been foolish enough to think Ichigo might have found closure now that Yhwach was gone and the war was over. But scars, if deep enough, will always leave a mark.
She sighs. Stopping Ichigo's rain usually came naturally, she needed to pull herself together. It wasn't about her right now. Only him and him alone.
"You don't have to say anything, you know."
His voice startles her, causes a chill to travel down her spine. He sounds tired, sad, and she hates it more than anything.
Ichigo is right, though, she doesn't have to say anything. She could just sit beside him and wait for the rain to stop. She could tell him what she said before, that he doesn't have to open up until he's ready to do so. That she will be here if he ever wants to talk.
But she knows Ichigo won't talk. It doesn't matter if Yhwach is dead, or if the war is over or any of that crap. It won't bring his mother back, it won't give him closure, it won't ease his pain.
But Rukia can't just not say anything. Maybe it's her throat asking for release from that tight knot suffocating her, but she lets out a breath she didn't realize she was holding and she speaks, "I know. But I want to."
"Rukia," she starts after a few seconds but the petite lieutenant stops him.
"I hate the rain too. It reminds me of everything I've lost," she says and avoids looking at him. She can't look at him. Not yet. Not until she says what she needs to say.
"Have I ever told you about the first time I killed someone?" She doesn't let him answer. "Not a hollow. A person. It was a long time ago. When I joined squad 13, I wasn't welcomed with open arms." She recalls those times with a bitter taste in her mouth and clears her throat, "My squad members thought it was unfair, for scum like me to be adopted into the Kuchiki clan and be thrown into a division almost immediately. They were afraid I'd become a seated officer without working just as hard as they did. Everyone hated me before they even knew who I was. And I couldn't exactly blame them, could I? I didn't deserve to be there, I should've stayed at the Academy longer. My skills were next to mediocre. I hated being there. I hated being told I wasn't good enough. Because the longer I was there, the more I believed everything they said."
Rukia took a deep breath again and felt Ichigo's gaze on her. She didn't look back at him, continuing her tale instead, "I thought I'd never get someone on my good side, much less make a friend. But, then I met him. His name was Kaien. Kaien Shiba. He was Captain Ukitake's lieutenant at the time."
She heard Ichigo let out his own breath. She knew he recognized the name. From what she gathered after the war from the rest, his father had told him the truth about his heritage. About who he was before he met his wife. That he was head of the Shiba clan and captain of the 10th Division before he went missing in the world of the living.
"Lieutenant Kaien was kind to me, but he was also very blunt. He pushed me to be the best version of myself. He wasn't afraid to scold me because of my last name or distance himself because he thought I was just a brat being handed everything. To him, I was an important member of the squad. He was the first person to welcome me with open arms when Renji and my brother weren't there. To teach me about what it was like to be a shinigami. To care for me. Ichigo, he was the first person I ever loved."
Rukia finally looked at him only to find him looking right back at her. Was that sadness in his eyes? Understanding? Surprise? She couldn't tell.
"He had a wife. She was beautiful and brave." And everything I wanted to be. "She was hurt during a mission to cleanse a hollow. She was brought back to the squad barracks, except it wasn't actually her anymore. The hollow she was sent after had managed to devour her soul and was using her body to trick and kill other shinigami. Captain Ukitake and Lieutenant Shiba tried to stop it. I was told not to interfere. Kaien wanted revenge for his wife, it was a battle to defend his pride as both a husband and a shinigami. I should've gone back, should've called for back up even if the Captain told me otherwise. But I stayed and I got in the way. I fucked everything up."
The use of a curse word startled Ichigo and she noticed the boy scoot closer to her, a look of concern in his eyes, "Rukia."
"I got him killed, Ichigo. The hollow took over him and I put my sword through his chest. I killed the man I loved and instead of cursing me to death, he used his last breath to entrust his heart to me."
She wanted to say more, about what his death did to her but she couldn't speak. A sob itched inside her throat and she struggled to keep it in. The rain poured louder and she couldn't breathe.
God, she was panicking. This was very bad.
A flick to her forehead managed to push her out of her own thoughts, Ichigo had ended up in front of her, his inches away from her forehead. "You're stupid, Rukia."
Huh? "Huh?"
She just poured her heart out to him and all he did was insult her? She was about to yell at him when she noticed his eyebrows furrowed in obvious annoyance. Why was he upset?
"Kaien...my cousin, didn't die because of you. You didn't kill him. Hell, you saved him. He was able to leave this world as himself because of you. He entrusted you with his heart, his memory. I may not know the guy, but he clearly wouldn't want you to say these things about yourself. So what if the guy had a wife? He still loved and cared about you. Just as much as you love and care about him too. So stop being an idiot. He's not gone, is he? His heart is still with you."
The way he yelled at her surprised her. Usually, it was the other way around. She wasn't used to Ichigo raising his voice at her, even if he didn't do it to offend or disrespect her. He genuinely wanted her to understand that her suffering, her guilt, wasn't okay.
I see.
It was quite foolish of her, really. To not have noticed until now. Ichigo didn't just look like Kaien. He was Kaien. He was Kaien's harsh and gentle words of encouragement. He was Kaien's pride and humbleness. He was Kaien's bravery and determination. He was the Kaien she had fallen in love with.
But he was also Ichigo. The Ichigo she loved now. The Ichigo she will always and forever love.
She rose her palms and placed them on either side of his face. Ichigo looked surprised at her action but did not pull away, instead he did the same.
"Never again blame yourself for his death, Rukia. You're not someone who takes lives, you're someone who saves them. Just like you saved mine."
She nodded and let out a gentle laugh, quiet and subtle. But still there for him to see and hear.
"I didn't know. That you hated the rain as much as me. Guess I was too focused thinking about myself." He dropped his hands to his side and she followed suit.
"It's okay. You don't have to-"
"I thought I'd be okay. Yhwach is gone. The man who killed my mother is dead and I delivered the final blow. But, there's still a gaping hole in my heart. I still think I could've done more to save her back then. I still think that maybe, just maybe if I had been strong enough back then, she wouldn't have died the way she did," Ichigo said, his eyes drifting to the cemetery below them.
"I'm sure your mother and your cousin feel the same, then," she said to him, softly. "I did not know your mother, Ichigo. Even though I would have loved to. Truly. She sounds like a wonderful person. She gave birth to three spectacular children. She raised a family who was kind hearted above all else, even after she was long gone. Ichigo, your mother did not deserve to die. But you do not have to carry the blame of her death. Not anymore. Not when I'm here to share it with."
"Rukia-"
"No, Ichigo. I will not take no for an answer! Didn't I tell you before? Comrades are supposed to be there for each other. If the weight is too much for you to carry some days, then I'll carry it for you. Because I know you'd do the same. Not just for me. But for Ishida, Inoue, Chad, Renji and everyone else."
Ichigo's eyes widened before he scoffed, a hint of a smile on his lips. "That's how it is, huh? You carry my burdens and I carry yours?"
Rukia nodded, "Yes! No buts, no what ifs."
Ichigo gave the cemetery one last look before his eyes found their way back to Rukia's. She was right. He wasn't alone. He had her now.
He knew his mom would've loved her, just as much as his dad does. As much as his sisters and friends do.
And sure, he didn't know Kaien, but he was glad he had been there for Rukia when no one else was. He was glad the man had given Rukia the strength and confidence she has now.
Ichigo hates the rain.
He hates what it reminds him of. Losing his mother. Losing to Byakuya and Renji. Losing his powers.
But as much as he hates the rain, he will always be grateful it brought him the greatest gift.
The best thing to ever happen to him.
His White Moon.