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Dana didn’t think it would be like this. She didn’t think her retirement would open her up to so many different emotions. Jubal and his two kids had practically moved into her house. Her daughter and Jubal’s sons convinced people they were a loving family of five.
Every two weeks or so, she would meet up with Maggie and Kristen, and then every month OA, Jubal and Ian would join them, sometimes with some of the other agents as well.
Tonight, was one of those nights, sat in the corner of a restaurant with her old team, Jubal on her left side, Maggie sat on her right.
Dana listened as the group discussed tiny details about various cases they’d worked over the last month, slipping in odd comments about some of the strangest replies from suspects or some humorous comments of an agent’s misfortune of running into a wall or falling down some stairs. She had no issue with it really, and she was sure if she brought up some stories from her thirty years in the FBI they’d listen, but a part of her felt like an outsider.
Over the years Dana had learnt how to profile herself, sometimes it would lead to self-care, to moments spent trying to take care of things and sometimes it would lead to a semi emotional breakdown.
A breakdown where the tough exterior slipped, and she let the weaker, vulnerable, more emotional side come out. Of course, to most people, that side of her would be normal; most people had bad days and she was no exception, other than the fact she had worked so hard to be strong and tough, a good role model for her daughter and to make it in an agency full of men.
She realised she must have been staring off into space when Jubal placed his hand on her knee, smiling at her when she looked over at him.
“Everything okay?” He asked quietly, while everyone else was engaged in conversation.
“Yeah,” she replied, smiling.
She was okay. She made a choice, it was the right one, and the feeling would pass.
She could feel Jubal looking at her for a good few minutes before he spoke up for them both.
“Well, I think it’s time we called it a night, head home, make sure the kids haven’t wrecked the place,”
She was grateful. Despite knowing that her emotions would stop fighting for her attention soon, she was glad to be leaving.
The goodbyes were quick, full of promises to meet up again soon. Before Dana knew it, she was stood on the sidewalk, having a moment to herself while Jubal finished talking to OA.
“Hey,” He said, grabbing her attention as he walked over.
“Hey,” Dana smiled back.
“Do you wanna walk, or do you wanna get a cab?” Jubal asked already knowing the answer.
“Let’s walk,”
Jubal nodded, reaching out to take Dana’s hand, pulling her closer as they began to walk in the direction of home.
“Do you want to talk about whatever it is that’s bothering you?” Jubal asked after a few minutes of walking in silence.
Dana shrugged, “I don’t know if it’s worth talking about,”
“Anything that makes you feel something is worth talking about. I saw the look on your face in there, something is eating at you.”
Dana wanted to put up a wall, tell Jubal he was wrong, but if there was anything that Dana had been sure about over the last six months it was how well Jubal had gotten to know her. He’d seen her when she’d broken down, the good days, the bad days and everything in between.
“I just wonder if I made the right decision with retiring.” The sentence was rushed, and Dana sounded almost wounded as she said it, but Jubal heard her.
Jubal let go of her hand, wrapping it around her waist instead, pulling her closer.
“Do you think it’s just because of tonight, or has this been on your mind for a while?”
“A while, I think. I mean I go back and forth, which I know isn’t healthy - but sometimes when you’re at work and the kids are at school, I can’t help but wonder if I did the right thing.” Dana explained.
“When you say back and forth, what do you mean?” Jubal asked, more out of curiosity than helpfulness.
“Sometimes I wonder if I’d be better off still being in the FBI, but then other times I wonder if I had stayed, would we have moved in together or would Isaac have joined the soccer team or would Ellie have a part time job, would Leo be taking piano lessons, you know?” Dana paused, looking at Jubal to see if he understood.
“I was excited when I left, excited for us and for the kids and I had this whole idea in my head of how this was going to be, but now, I wake up most morning and I miss the excitement of not knowing what I’m going to be up against.”
Jubal leaned in to kiss the side of her forehead.
“I think I would be a little worried if you didn’t feel like that. We both knew it was going to be a change, personally and professionally,” Jubal paused.
“I know that there will be days when you resent me because I am working are you’re not and days when just being with the kids isn’t enough,” he paused again, he could see Dana’s mind working overtime to try and combat the negative emotions.
“Dana, love, you spent over thirty years with the FBI, and you retiring was never going to be something you just got over in a few weeks.”
Dana tried to smile, but right now she was too tired.
“I don’t resent you, jealous maybe, but not resentment.” She said as a way of continuing conversation.
“What can I do to make this better for you? You want me to take some time off?”
Dana shook her head, before speaking.
“I mean at some point, yes, but right now the team needs you. As for right now, you can take me to bed, and promise me that unless someone has died, you won’t be leaving the house tomorrow.” Jubal chuckled, again pulling Dana close to him to kiss the side of her head, then whispering in her ear.
“Anything else, love?”
“Let me think about it,” Dana said with a smile as the pair continued walking - she could think of a few things, but the only important thing to her right now, was being able to go home and get some sleep, knowing that Jubal was right there with her.