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He doesn’t notice it at first. Well. That’s not quite true. He definitely notices, he just... misunderstands. If he’s honest it’s a completely understandable misunderstanding; it’s just he’s Claude the schemer. He shouldn’t be misunderstanding. Especially when it comes to Byleth. He’s one of the few people, still alive, that can read her. He shouldn’t be misunderstanding.
So. The misunderstanding. It starts with an unexpected battle.
They were off to get more troops to join their war effort. This was meant to be before they started any big fights. Meant to be before they got into any major tussles. They’re caught not unaware, but definitely unexpectedly. And it’s war. It’s been war for five years, but this time. This time it’s serious. Maybe because Byleth is here and they’re planning on winning. Maybe because they were facing down someone they knew.
In the five year wait for their Teach they hadn’t seen the other house’s students. Heard of them plenty; Dimitri’s supposed death, Edelgard‘s slug across the continent. They’d heard, but they’d never seen. They definitely hadn’t heard of any of them dying. And now Byleth appears, the other students appear.
Claude isn’t particularly close to Ashe. He’d say the only ones he feels any closeness with are his fellow Deers and maybe, on a good day, the other house leaders. But Ashe is good people. Claude had researched and followed him (as he’s done most of the students and teachers) the third month of Teach teaching. Ashe had interested him then due to his connections to a Lord they were ordered to take down. Admittedly not the noblest reasons to investigate someone and Claude did feel a little bad seeing as the kid was just so nice about everything even as his world was tearing down around him. So, no Claude has no emotional attachment to the student from Blue Lion, but he does know him and he does know he’s a genuinely good person. So, he’s not looking forward to killing him.
He would kill him, he remembers being sure. He could kill him, he remembers steeling his resolve. He never killed him, Teach did.
This is where the misunderstanding starts. Suddenly being faced with the inevitable without any preparation had messed with Claude’s perception. He knew before the war that he’d have to kill at least the old members of the Black Eagles; he hadn’t expected it to be so soon in their campaign. So, when Teach strikes that fatal blow and Ashe dies in her arms with some final words for everyone’s favourite teacher Claude thinks he’s not resolved enough. Believes he must have faltered somewhere. Hesitated.
He vows not to do so next time. Leaving everyone to die by their Teach’s hand... Claude can’t allow that. If there’s someone in the Alliance (Crest of Flame) army that has an attachment to everyone from their year group it would be Teach. She was the one who had nurtured them all. She was the one that would take the time out of her busy schedule to check up on them. She was the one who made time for everyone; her students, the other class’ students; the teachers. They all loved her for it. Claude can’t imagine what pain she must be going through killing one of those students. He vows next time he’ll kill their old classmates. Old friends. He won’t let Byleth bare that burden alone. And yet...
When he flies in on his Wyvern fully intent on killing Ferdinand before Byleth has to. She’s already there. Ferdinand dead in her arms.
When he goes to shoot Dimitri, and it’s a surprise that he’s even alive, Byleth steps forward. Dimitri’s eyes and the crack in his voice are heart-breaking, but Byleth clashes with him. Would have killed him had the Kingdom’s troops not gotten in the way.
Byleth was already fighting Edelgard before he could think to find her. Her resolve as clear as day. If Edelgard falls the war will end.
He never gets a chance to fight, to kill, their ex-classmates. Byleth is always there. That’s when he clocks on.
Byleth always cared for her students. All of them. She went above and beyond for them. In return they adore her more than anyone. They’d die for her. If she asked of it.
She was saving them from the trauma.
It’s a jarring thought. An unwanted thought. It makes too much sense. Of course Byleth would direct them away from their old allies, of course she’d seek them out herself; of course she’d spare everyone’s feelings. She was always so... benevolent.
It’s probably the most frustrating thing about her.
It’s probably one of her best qualities.
It’s why he’s going to do something about it.
They’re bound to meet someone in their next fight. It would be foolish to believe otherwise. They’re taking the stubborn old fort; Edelgard wouldn’t leave it unguarded. Wouldn’t not leave some of her best there. Her class are unfortunately some of her best. So they’re unfortunately bound to fight their old classmates once again. This fight. Claude has the advantage.
For them to be successful they need one part of their army, the part led by Byleth, to let the others, a mixture of Almyran and Fodlan troops led by Claude, in. Byleth has a prior goal. She also won’t be directing Claude about where he goes. He has the chance to kill their ex-classmates before Byleth does and...
Once again Byleth has done it. Casper and Linhardt fall together. Claude remembers the two were close friends in the academy... he wonders if they fought side by side protecting each other until Byleth appeared. Wonders if one was left standing; crying over the corpse of their fallen friend. Wonders if he’d have been able to end both their lives after such a display. Claude doesn’t know how Byleth does it!
He really doesn’t...
He feels sick. So goddamn sick. Killing is always hard, but knowing the person. Knowing how they’re feeling; being able to guess their exact thought process because you know them- it’s... quite disheartening. Heart wrenching. And Claude hasn’t done anything.
He spends many a restless night up high on the church’s spires looking out at the world around them; up at the stars in the sky. Alone. In the dark. It wouldn’t do to see the Alliance leader doubting himself in public so he can only do it here. Now.
He lets the wind pull a few stray strands of hair off his face. Let’s the wind’s fingertips caress his flesh; cooling it down. He always feels so hot nowadays. Like he’s feverish.
There’s only one fight left.
One chance to help Byleth. One chance to-
“Claude?” The always calm voice pipes up behind him. He’d startle, but well he’s come to expect it. Byleth was always there when he needed it and boy does he need it.
“My friend,” he says, voice a little more subdued than usual, but that’s only due to the company. Byleth always had a way of making him act more true to himself when they were alone. He didn’t need to overact his part. He could just be Claude. No Von Riegan involved. “Trouble sleeping?”
“Hmm,” Byleth hums, and Claude looks to her. He’d learnt early on that to have a successful conversation with Byleth one must always face her; Byleth wasn’t always one for words.
She nods.
“Same,” Claude admits, no shame. Though Claude rarely finds something to be ashamed of. He’s just... a little confident.
“Nervous?” She asks, stepping up beside him. She does it so easily; treating him as an equal. He loves her for it.
“With you there?” Claude grins; it feels a little boyish, like he’s vying for her attention. He can’t help himself. “Never. I have no doubt that we’ll win.”
He really doesn’t have a trace of doubt. The two of them work together so perfectly. Any scheme he puts forward she accomplishes. He’s not sure if that makes him the perfect tactician or her the perfect chess piece, but well... who is he kidding. Byleth’s the true perfect one here. She takes failures and makes them successes. Artfully so.
“Then what troubles you?” Byleth asks and Claude does startle this time. Caught up in his own mind. Not paying attention to the physical cues Byleth was surely giving him.
“I... it’s just I’m worried. About you,” playing coy. Hinting. It’s a little unfair if you take who he’s talking to; Byleth finds it easier if the conversation goes on and she only has to speak when needed to, but this time. Claude wants his worries acknowledged. Wants Byleth to understand without needing him to explain; it would mean he’s right without having to fight for it.
“What about me?” She asks, which he predicted really. He really did... it doesn’t make this any easier. Maybe he’s just worried; worried he’s going to end up arguing with Byleth. There’s never been any actual arguments between them before; some disagreements sure, but never arguments. Could Byleth even argue? He’s seen her vengeful, but argumentative?
“Are you OK?” He asks, but that’s not good enough. There’s no explanation. No reason she could think for that sudden question. No- “I mean it’s just these battles you’ve... you’ve had to take a few lives... of your previous students. I was just wondering if you were OK?”
“I’m fine,” she smiles. It’s a small thing, probably born from the fact he was worrying because there was no way it was prompted due to the topic.
“Really? Because it’ll be totally fine if you weren’t. Honestly it would make sense if you weren’t feeling alright. So many lives of those we know-” he cuts off. Byleth knows this. She was the one to end their lives. Had their blood soaking her flesh and clothes. She probably knew everyone’s aspirations and she was the one to end them. She doesn’t need to be reminded. She needs. “I just want to be of use to you. Help you if you’re struggling.”
“You are,” Byleth reassures. “Just letting me know you want to help is helping. I know you’re on my side.”
It’s not... good enough. He wants to take her burdens and bare them alone. Wants to support every tough decision so much that the world thinks he’s the one making those choices. Alone. Wants Byleth to be as de-stressed as she possibly can. He knows it’s not possible. Stress will be a constant companion as long as one is alive. No one would believe every decision was his when they’ve seen how Byleth is on the battlefield. It’s unrealistic and unhealthy to take all of one person’s burdens on top of your own. He knows he can’t do that, but doing nothing is... unacceptable.
“Can’t I... take some of that burden for you?” Claude insists. “I don’t want you to suffer alone. I... You can trust me to end the lives of anyone. You don’t have to do that alone.”
“No,” Byleth shakes her head, her expression serious. “I can’t let you do that.”
“Why not? I’m capable,” Claude is more than ready to do this. Sure it makes his stomach nauseous, but he’s been prepared for this for five years. He knew the second Edelgard started this war what was to happen. He’s been laying out plans on how to kill everyone painlessly for five years. He can do this.
“No,” Byleth shakes her head once again. A grimace on her face. “You’re capable Claude, more than capable, but no. You don’t deserve to deal with that guilt.”
“And you do?” The disbelief is apparent. Byleth doesn’t deserve any guilt. Honestly she’s being dragged into everyone else’s schemes. His. The Church’s. Edelgard’s.
“I feel better... being the one to do it,” Byleth explains. Voice hesitating. Speech really never has been her strong point. “I know they didn’t suffer that way... that they saw a friendly face before leaving this world. And none of you have to live with that guilt.”
“But, I’m willing,” he is. He’d do anything-
“I know,” Byleth smiles. “But, you have enough eating at you already, right?”
“What?” Claude blinks at his dearest friend. Startles really. “There’s nothing like-”
She shakes her head and Claude falls silent. Her actions really are louder than any words he has.
“You have a good heart Claude,” she lightly brushed her hands against his chest in emphasis. Even through the thick beige clothing he calls armour he can feel her hand. It sears his flesh. “It makes you ache for every person you plan on using in your schemes.”
“I... can take more,” there’s no point denying it. She sees through him. It would be unbearable, being so easily read, but it’s Byleth. He can’t regret her being able to read him.
“You don’t have to,” Byleth denies. Reassuring. Always so Goddess damned reassuring. “You deal with the guilt from being our tactician. I’ll deal with the guilt of leading our troops. It’s better that way.”
It’s not better that way. It won’t ever be better that way. But, there was one thing Byleth was right about. Their old classmates... they really do prefer to fall to her hand. Edelgard going so far as to ask her to end her life. He wonders, sometimes deep at night, if Dimitri would have been better off dying by Byleth’s hand... his actual death had sounded gruesome. Like he was treated like some animal. Byleth wouldn’t have left him like that. Wouldn’t have allowed him to suffer more than needed.
So, she’s right about that... and honestly Claude gets it. If he had to die by someone’s hands he’d rather it was Byleth. Would prefer to know his dear friend was the one to end his suffering. Would prefer she was the one to hold him close to her as his life force left him. She was right about that, but she’s wrong about everything else. It’s not good to do this alone. It’s not good to keep their guilt separate. They could help each other. Could spare each other from their doubts. Could save each other from those sleepless nights.
Looking down at his hand he holds something precious. Something delicate. A ring. Together they could share their burdens. Together they could finally be happy. Together they could be great.