Chapter Text
The car was quiet as they drove along the motorway. Dahyun’s eyes were focused on the road, and Tzuyu stared out the window, watching the endless blue sprawl of ocean as they drew nearer and nearer Ganghwado Island.
She wondered if she should be used to it by now, the emptiness that was always felt when sitting in this car. Then again, she rarely left the city nowadays. This was her first long drive in Dahyun’s car since…
Since the last time they were here.
Everything was different now. Tzuyu shouldn’t be sitting in the front seat next to Dahyun. Chaeyoung always called shotgun, leaving Tzuyu to sit happily in the back where she’d fall asleep within ten minutes. Chaeyoung was the one who would flick between radio channels, always complaining about the ads taking up so much time. She was the one who’d chatter away to Dahyun about her day, her week, a funny story she remembered from years ago.
She was the one who organised these holidays in the first place.
But now she was gone, and Dahyun was stuck with Tzuyu’s miserable silent company. Tzuyu knew the other girl didn’t mind the quiet, one of the reasons they got on so well was that they could be comfortable together without the need to talk and entertain each other. But it felt wrong, travelling to Ganghwado like this.
Then again, nothing had felt right for two years now.
Three years together, two years without. She had the rest of her life to tip those scales, and the thought alone was so massively depressing that she still couldn’t really comprehend it. She drummed her fingers idly against the dashboard, then rolled down the window, hoping that the noise of the wind could distract her from her thoughts.
Dahyun didn’t seem to mind as the wind whipped her hair around her head. Maybe she needed the distraction as well, or maybe she was too focused on the road to care.
Tzuyu found herself wondering again why she’d agreed to do this. She could think back and remember the exact thought process, how Dahyun had rang her explaining that she needed to get away for the anniversary, and how she wanted to go on a trip to all their favourite place on the island. A private way to honour and mourn Chaeyoung, but still while trying to have fun, like she would have wanted. Tzuyu remembered thinking it sounded like absolute hell, but still better than spending another day in this apartment, cold and unfamiliar despite a year and a half of living alone in it.
She had enough money to afford the trip, considering how much she’d thrown herself into work after what happened. Really, there didn’t seem to be any reason not to go, and that was how Tzuyu navigated her life these days. She’d heard Marie Kondo talking about getting rid of anything that didn’t spark joy, but for Tzuyu it was a struggle to find anything that did. Every decision was about choosing the least painful of two bad options, and this trip seemed to be the better choice than being alone with her thoughts.
Now, she was seriously reconsidering her decision-making skills. She’d thought that going away like this would be a distraction, but all it did was make the lack of Chaeyoung’s presence more potent. It was everywhere, from the small doodle scratched into the glove compartment to the keychain Chaeyoung had given Dahyun when they were children after she twisted her ankle while climbing a tree.
Half of the memories this car triggered were just stories from before Tzuyu had even known them, and that added to the bitterness threatening to overwhelm her. Dahyun had twelve years of memories of her friendship with Chaeyoung, while Tzuyu had three as friends and three as girlfriends. The same thoughts ate away at her: Why hadn’t she confessed sooner? Why hadn’t she gone to the same elementary school as them? Why had she wasted so much time not realising how head over heels in love she was, and then being scared of what would happen if she acted on those feelings? Why hadn’t she spent every moment she had with her girlfriend when Chaeyoung’s time on this earth was limited to eighteen years?
It wasn’t fair. It just wasn’t fair. The rage she felt at herself and at the universe made her want to scream, and hit the dashboard, and maybe cry, if she had any tears left.
Two years of crying left her feeling sick and weary. She wanted to let go, just enough to stop her heart from aching every day, but even thinking that felt like a betrayal.
She rolled up the window and reached down to switch on the radio. Dahyun glanced over at her as she did it, but didn’t comment.
All I Want by Kodaline started playing, and Tzuyu almost laughed. The universe really fucking hated her, it seemed.
Dahyun started making small noises, and Tzuyu whirled to face her, alarmed. If Dahyun started crying, she didn’t know what she would do. The other girl was shaking, her head almost pressed against the steering wheel.
It took a few seconds for Tzuyu to realise that Dahyun was laughing. Perhaps that should have made her angry, but she understood well the exhausted laughter Dahyun let out. When you’ve looped through all the stages of grief bar one, more times than you can count without ever coming to the end, sometimes all that was left to do was laugh at your miserable fate.
“Chaeyoung would have loved this.” It was the first thing Dahyun had said in over forty minutes. “We used to sing along dramatically to every sad song even when we had nothing to be sad about.”
Tzuyu didn’t know how to respond to that. But then the chorus hit and Dahyun started belting, still laughing between every breath. Tzuyu found herself singing along, at first just to keep things from getting too awkward, but it was impossible not to get really into it while sitting next to Dahyun.
They sang the second chorus together, swaying from side to side. Tzuyu laughed too, the smile on her face feeling alien after all this time.
For three minutes, they could almost pretend things were fine. Just a normal road trip, filled with chaos and laughter and wavering singing voices that spent half the song in the wrong key. But the reality was still there in the back of their minds, that this time they weren’t singing while pretending to be sad.
This time they had someone to sing to.
Once the song ended and the radio went into advertisements, the car grew quiet again. Tzuyu wondered if she should break the silence. Maybe this was the moment they were supposed to talk about how much they loved Chaeyoung, and how much they missed her.
She didn’t feel like talking. Instead she lay back, closing her eyes. Dahyun would understand.
Dahyun always understood.
Tzuyu clasped her hands together, reclining back in the seat. Her fingers brushed over the gold band on her right ring finger, and a surprise twinge of pain hit her heart. That reminder still always hurt, no matter how familiar and dull the other ones got. She wondered if it was considered normal to still wear it after two years, but then she realised that she didn’t care.
It wasn’t long before she fell asleep, listening to the soothing sound of Dahyun’s soft singing.
Her hands slowly fell down to her sides, gold engagement ring dangling above the floor of the car.
2 years ago
“Baby wake up.”
Tzuyu groaned, turning so that she was lying face down in the bed. She felt Chaeyoung shift next to her, brushing Tzuyu’s hair out of the way and wiggling closer.
“Happy three-year anniversary.” she whispered.
“Mprhrg.” Tzuyu replied gracefully, her face full of pillow.
“I have to head out to work, but when I get back tonight, I promise you we’re going to do it all.” Tzuyu whined as she felt the weight on the bed shift. “Dinner in a five-star restaurant with fancy wine, a serenade on the street just to see you blush, I’ve got big plans for you Chou Tzuyu.”
Tzuyu finally rolled over and opened her eyes, smiling at the sight that greeted her. Chaeyoung, blonde hair glowing in the bright morning light, her mole and dimple highlighted as she grinned down at her girlfriend, her eyes shining, reflecting all the love Tzuyu felt for her right back.
“Stay with me.” She couldn’t resist saying. “Call in sick, and just stay in bed with me until tonight.”
“We both know my boss is a bastard who will see right through that.” Tzuyu pouted as Chaeyoung stood up, even as she enjoyed the view. “Sadly until Dubchaeng starts getting more gigs, I’m stuck working nine to five. But you should enjoy your day off.”
She leant down to kiss Tzuyu, and Tzuyu hugged her greedily, ignoring Chaeyoung’s giggly cries of protest as she pulled her back down into the bed.
“You can always quit.” She mumbled into Chaeyoung’s cheek. “Just focus on your passions, your art and your music. I can keep us afloat until you blow up and become my famous celebrity girlfriend.”
“And then you’ll quit your job and be my trophy wife?” Chaeyoung laughed. “I see the kind of schemer you are. I can’t believe I fell in love with a gold digger.”
“A gold digger who thinks five steps ahead.” Tzuyu corrected with a smirk. “Now stay with me. I’ll even let you doodle on my back as much as you want.”
She could see how tempted Chaeyoung was, the way she bit her lip and ran her fingers down Tzuyu’s back. Tzuyu shivered, her smile growing as Chaeyoung gently traced spirals into her skin.
She whined louder when Chaeyoung pulled away, but Chaeyoung only laughed.
“I’m sorry Tzu, these kids need me.”
“There are other youth counsellors around.” Tzuyu grumbled. “I need you more than they do, and I’m sick of sharing.”
“Well you are the biggest baby I know.” Chaeyoung smirked. “But I promise I’ll make it up to you when I get back.”
“You better!” Tzuyu called, as Chaeyoung left the bedroom to get breakfast.
Half an hour later she kissed Tzuyu goodbye, laughing as she denied all of Tzuyu’s attempts to get her back into bed. Tzuyu pouted as she left, but there was a warm glow in her chest from the casual “I love you!” Chaeyoung threw out as she closed the front door.
Sometimes, Tzuyu wondered how she ever got so lucky. A loving family, caring friends, a well-paying job and a girlfriend she was in love with. A girlfriend who would hopefully be more than that after tonight.
Even though Chaeyoung was already on her way to work, Tzuyu still felt nervous as she reached for the drawer of her bedside table. Hidden under four books was a small ring box, and Tzuyu gulped as she popped it open.
Chaeyoung had been the one who initiated the first kiss, the one who asked Tzuyu to be her girlfriend, and the first one to say I love you. Tonight, Tzuyu was hoping to prove that she could be just as brave.
She spent all morning lazing around, watching Netflix, texting Dahyun and their friends who blew up her phone with well wishes, and trying to resist the temptation to text Chaeyoung. The ring box felt like it was burning a hole in her pocket, and none of the distractions could stop her mind from bouncing back to it, going over all the ways she could ask. Would Chaeyoung like it better if she proposed in the middle of dinner? Or later out on the streets? Or maybe at home, just the two of them?
She never got the chance to find out. One phone call turned all Tzuyu’s plans for the night to dust, and she spent their third anniversary in a hospital, listening to the doctors explain to her about sudden brain hemorrhages.
Five days later, Tzuyu slipped the ring into Chaeyoung’s coffin, and watched with red, numb eyes as they lowered it into the ground.