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“Don’t worry, Cap. It’s just sparkling water.”
Tony didn’t have superhero vision, but it didn’t matter. It was easy enough to guess Steve’s expression - even if it was obscured by the midnight gloom. “Quit the booze when I found out about Morgan.”
“Well, you look good. Better than the last time I saw you.” Steve pulled up a chair and sat across from Tony, his elbows resting on the counter between them.
“Yeah. Shockingly enough, fresh air, healthy eating habits, and at least six hours of sleep a night do wonders for your constitution.” Not to mention a cardiac bypass and a pharmacy of pills. More than a decade’s worth of accumulated trauma had definitely left its mark. If only you knew how many docs I have on retainer, old man. “Had to keep myself tuned up. Body and mind. Last thing my kid needed was a total fuck-up for a dad.”
“You were never a total fuck-up, Tony.”
Are you serious? “Christ, Rogers, if you actually believe that, do yourself a favor: never Google ‘Tony Stark hot tub foursome.’ And avoid ‘Tony Stark 40th birthday party’ while you’re at it.”
Steve winced. “I wasn’t planning to look up that footage. Besides,” he added, perfectly deadpan, “I’m too old to get mixed up with this 21st century ‘World Wide Web.’”
Of all the times to take a drink, this was by far the worst. The chuckle that bubbled up unbidden left Tony coughing and choking for two solid minutes.
When he finally managed to get a hold of himself, his eyes streaming, he registered for the first time that Steve had rounded the counter and was now awkwardly patting him between his shoulder blades. Tony shrugged out of the touch and moved over to the sink to wash his glass.
“You okay?” Steve asked.
“Peachy,” Tony rasped, his back to the other man. “Hurt like a bitch, but it was worth it.” He cocked a crooked grin and shook his head. “Can’t believe you’re stealing my material now. ‘S copyright infringement. I should sue.”
“I do believe it, though.”
Tony slumped against the sink. After an entire evening spent putting his affairs in order - just in case - the last thing he needed was Steve’s sweet-talking him for no good reason. That apple-pie kindness always - always - set his teeth on edge.
Maybe it was perverse, but Tony preferred Steve’s judgment. That felt more real. More deserved.
Which is why he wanted to provoke it now - to slip into a comfortable habit. As his mind quickly shuffled through options for a sardonic retort, he turned - and was stopped short at once by Steve’s sad regard.
“I know you haven’t done everything right in your life, Tony.” Tony huffed in twisted satisfaction. “And I won’t pretend I’ve always understood or agreed with the choices you’ve made. But for the eleven years I’ve known you, you’ve tried. Total fuck-ups don’t try. Not as hard as you do.”
Tony felt the recriminations build up like a tidal wave behind his reconstructed sternum. What good does trying do? Trying doesn’t bring back the dead. Trying doesn’t wash the blood off my hands. Trying doesn’t -
No. Like Dr. Nolan says, stop the spiral before it pulls you down. You’ve hit bottom. Now try to bounce.
Tony took a deep, cleansing breath, set his jaw, and - shoving his hands into the pockets of his sweats to conceal their tremor - called Public Tony to his own defense. “Say ‘fuck’ one more time and I swear I’ll wash your mouth out with soap.”
“You chose that word, Tony. Not me. And don’t you think it’s time to drop that? It’s been eight years.”
“Nope,” Tony replied, popping the p with relish. “I’m not dropping that ‘til I’m dead.” He was tempted to stick his tongue out at the good captain - but then decided that even his own impressive capacity for childishness had its limits.
Steve sighed, but there was no frustration in it. In fact, the super-soldier was smiling. Tony knew the look. It was one of the first things he saw after he’d pulled his Dr. Strangeglove stunt. After the Hulk had roared him back to life.
For a long while, the two men stood there soaking in the companionable silence. Then: “Can I ask you a question, Tony?”
Tony stiffened. Questions were potentially treacherous. Questions could take this conversation down avenues he wasn’t sure he wanted to traverse. But he’d already trusted Steve enough to rejoin the team. To give him back his shield. Might as well take it all the way. “Sure.”
“After you were rescued, you mentioned something. Something I’ve been thinking about for the past five years. You said… that you had a vision. About Thanos. About all of this.”
At that moment, Tony found it a lot harder to breathe. Every fiber of his being screamed at him to walk right out of that kitchen - out of the compound, even - but he stayed rooted firmly in place. He knew, somewhere deep in his bones, that the reckoning was coming. All the debts he’d racked up were eventually going to come due - and soon. And neither of us should die before we’ve explained ourselves to each other.
“It wasn’t exactly like this,” Tony said, tightly hugging himself to stay grounded and closing his eyes to avoid Steve’s stare. “But I saw the earth being invaded - again.” He swallowed down the pain. “And I saw all of you die.”
“When?”
“Before Ultron.”
“Is that why -?”
“Yeah.”
Steve sighed again, this time with gravity. “Why didn’t you tell us? Why didn’t you tell me?”
Because I didn’t want you to think I was crazy. Because I didn’t want the great Captain America to know that I was scared. That I couldn’t sleep because I saw the end of everything every time I closed my eyes. That I was too weak to see a wormhole on the tube without falling apart.
“Did you think,” Steve asked with a gentleness that ran Tony through, “that I would think less of you for being afraid?”
Tony’s eyes flew open. “Wow, Cap. That serum give you mind-reading powers too?” Fight, flight, or tears. Tony would rather fight.
“No. I just know you. I know you’re a proud man - and, in my opinion, sometimes too stubborn for your own good. And I know that I made - maybe still make - you uncomfortable. I may not be a technical genius, but in the army, I did have to learn how to read the men I fought with.” Steve paused. “I’m sorry.”
“For what?”
“For making you feel like you couldn’t be honest with me.”
Tony scoffed, waving Steve’s words out of the air with an impatient hand. “That’s not on you. Anyone nuts enough to be in a relationship with me will tell you that. Hell, even my wife will tell you that.” He jabbed himself in the chest with his thumb. “Trust issues a mile deep. Shit at communication. That’s me.”
“I think that last one is both of us, Tony. In the future, I’d like to change that.”
Tony suddenly felt every single one of his 53 years. Was there going to be a future? He had his doubts. That’s why he almost didn’t agree to help with this “time heist.” Jesus, what are we doing ?
The pressure started building again. Around his ribcage. In his throat. Behind his eyes. The need filling him threatened to blow him open.
“Steve,” he croaked. He straightened. Cleared his throat. Steve was right: he was a proud man, and he damned well wasn’t going to crumble now. “I don’t know why this is important, but… I’m glad I’m here. I missed this. I missed you.” He released one short, harsh laugh. “Shoulda called you on that stupid phone a long time ago.”
Steve closed the distance between them and rested a warm hand on Tony’s shoulder, squeezing once. This time, Tony didn’t flinch from the contact. “Get some sleep, Shellhead. We’re saving the universe tomorrow.”
Tony waited until Steve was long gone. “You too,” he whispered to the empty room.
End