Chapter Text
*****
Groaning as he turned over, Michael blinked his eyes open, taking a few seconds to remember where he was. Another night of drinking, another night of ignoring all the problems in his life. Twisting so his face was pressed against his pillow, his thoughts quickly switched to his brother like it had every morning for the past three weeks. When the ache got too intense to handle, he let his mind wander to his other biggest issue.
After kissing Maria and playing the guitar that night, Michael had felt a sudden pain in his head and all he could see was Max. Giving her a hasty excuse, he’d rushed out of the bar but Maria had been hot on his heels, jumping in his truck at the last second. Too worried to argue or force her out, he’d driven to the edge of the desert, silence engulfing the space between them. One look at a crying Liz as she held onto a breathing Rosa was all it took for Michael to understand. He’d walked past the sisters, moving quietly across the ground, before his eyes caught sight of Isobel’s blonde locks. She’d looked up at him, tears streaming down her cheeks, as Max laid dead before her.
He’d fallen to the ground beside her, pulling her into his arms as the sound of her tears echoed in the vastness around them. Forgetting that Maria was standing close by, taking everything in with stunned silence, he’d helped Isobel lift Max’s body and carry him into their cave around the bend. They had managed to place Max in his pod, securing his body, too heartbroken to do anything else. When Isobel had broken down beside him, all he could do was hold her against his chest. He wasn’t sure how long they’d stayed in the same spot, mourning their loss, oblivious to Maria staring at the pods. When they had finally walked out of the cave, Maria was holding Rosa in her arms as a broken Liz looked on.
Everything after had moved in a blur. They ended up back at the diner, going upstairs to a stunned Arturo when he laid eyes on his dead daughter. Liz had used what little energy she had left to explain everything to Arturo and Maria, from aliens to Noah and everything in between. Arturo had broken into tears, clinging both daughters against him while Maria had tilted her gaze to Michael. Her eyes had been distant and hard but she had kept silent before looking away. Michael had sat with Isobel, crammed together on the loveseat, their heads pressed close, both too numb to speak. Once Arturo had finally calmed down, Maria had moved to sit on Michael’s other side, taking his free hand in hers.
When the door had burst open minutes later with Alex and Kyle barging through, the sun had already set outside. Michael’s gaze had found his in an instant and the intense worry he had seen in Alex’s eyes had left him breathless and overwhelmed. Everything in him told Michael to leave the couch and take those few small steps over, to pull Alex against him and find safety and warmth in his arms. Before he’d been able to make any move, Alex had looked over and suddenly Maria’s presence existed again. He’d seen the hurt and betrayal in Alex’s eyes and felt Maria turn her gaze away as she clung to his arm. When Kyle had squeezed his shoulder seconds later, the touch had jolted Alex out of his daze and in an instant, the heartbreak was gone, replaced by a practiced look of indifference. Looking away, Alex had moved towards the other couch, kneeling in front of Liz and holding her face in his hands.
Tell me what you need.
His words were enough to send Liz barreling into his arms, overcome by emotion as her tears flooded out. Michael had watched as Alex had simply held her, rubbing his hand across her back. The irrational part of his mind had felt a pang of jealousy from the comfort Alex was giving, wanting that comfort for himself. But when Maria had twisted beside him, tightening her hand in his, everything had come crashing down. As Kyle and Arturo comforted Rosa, Alex had taken Liz to her room, shutting the door behind them. When Michael and Isobel had left the next morning, Maria following close behind, the door to the bedroom remained shut.
Alex
When he’d walked into the Wild Pony and kissed Maria, he’d been so sure she was everything he wanted at the time. His mind had been plagued by all the trauma of those last few days, everything that had happened with Caulfield and Noah. Going to Maria had seemed like the right choice. She was free from all the angst and trauma in his life when Alex was directly connected to it all.
His cell vibrated beside him, signalling a new message had arrived. He knew the text was from Isobel or Maria and Michael felt a new wave of disappointment flow through him. Ignoring the message, he pressed his face deeper in the pillow, reminding himself that Alex had been the only person he’d ever brought back to the trailer. The ache inside his chest began to grow as thoughts of Alex plagued his mind.
If I made the right choice, why does it feel so wrong?
********
Buried in the screen of his cell, Alex made his way around the corner before colliding headfirst with Maria.
“Shit, I’m sorry!” Alex started, reaching out.
Catching himself midway, he slowly lowered his arm and took a small step back. Swallowing the hurt she felt at his retreat, Maria forced a smile on her face as she tucked her purse behind her shoulder.
“Hi Alex.”
He gave her a weak smile but made no effort to answer.
“How have you been?” she tried, her smile growing nervous.
“Fine,” he shrugged. “I have a really busy morning. I have to go.”
When he tried to move around her, Maria reached out in desperation and grabbed his arm, whirling him back around to face her.
“Alex, I hate this. I hate this so much.”
Sighing tiredly, he ran a hand across his eyes. “What do you want me to say, Maria? That I’m happy for you? That I’m happy for him?”
“Yes,” she whispered.
He laughed quietly, void of any humor. “I’m staying away so you could be together but if you’re expecting me to come around for Sunday brunch or join you guys on double dates, that’ll never happen.”
She sniffled quietly, her defenses rising.
“He said he doesn’t love you anymore,” she said and instantly regretted the words when she saw the hurt in his eyes.
“Doesn’t mean I stopped loving him,” he whispered, looking away. “I just wish you’d both been honest from the start.”
“What can I do? Just tell me what to do and I’ll do it,” she pleaded.
“Nothing you can do,” he shrugged, turning back to face her. “It is what it is. Besides, with everything else that happened, not sure any of this even matters anymore.”
She gripped the strap of her purse tighter, anxious for something to hold onto. “Will you forgive me?”
His smile was sad as he chuckled. “Forgiveness is not really the issue, I don’t think. I forgave Kyle after all the shit he put me through back in high school. He was my best friend once.”
She lowered her gaze but he spoke on.
“I forgave all those assholes in my squad who gave me shit for years because I was gay. Had to be the bigger person no matter how hard it was,” he said, sighing heavily. “Forgetting, though, that’s something else.”
“It’s not like he cheated on you or that either of us needed your permission,” she said and quickly regretted her words for the second time. “Alex, I…”
“No, you’re right,” he cut her off, looking away again. “Just thought both of you cared about me more than that. Thought I at least deserved a conversation. Guess not.”
She opened her mouth to fix what she’d said but he moved past her and walked off, keeping one foot in front of the other until her voice had drowned out.
********
“Hey!” Kyle greeted, shutting the cabin door behind him.
Making his way over with the six pack of beer, he dropped the case on the table and fell back onto the couch. Turning to the side, he took in the half empty bottle of rum Alex was twisting in his hands.
“Got an early start?”
“Found it in one of the cabinets. Must have been your dad’s,” Alex said, turning towards Kyle. “I don’t even like rum. Can never get drunk from it.”
Kyle chuckled as he grabbed the bottle and took a small sip, quickly squinting his eyes as the alcohol burned his throat going down.
“Lightweight,” Alex snorted.
“What’s got you feeling all sorry for yourself?” Kyle asked, relaxing in his seat.
“I don’t feel sorry for myself, jackass,” Alex rolled his eyes, the snipe making Kyle smile. “I ran into Maria this morning. Kind of threw my whole day off.”
“I can see that happening,” Kyle nodded.
Alex sighed heavily and tilted his head towards his friend. “She said she hated what was happening between us, wanted to know if I could forgive her. I told her I wouldn’t forget. Am I being too harsh? Should I just suck it up and be the bigger person?”
“You are being the bigger person, by staying away. You could have told them off but you put distance instead. A lesser person wouldn’t do that.”
“No, but I’m asking, should I give them my blessing or something?” Alex asked.
“Your blessing? No,” Kyle scoffed.
When Alex sighed in annoyance, Kyle leaned forward on the couch, reaching out to touch his friend’s shoulder.
“Look, I can sit here and give you loads of advice or I can say screw them both, let’s get drunk.”
Laughing genuinely for the first time in days, Alex shook his head. “I like the second option more.”
They left the bottle of rum on the table and started sipping their beers, taking comfort from the silence.
“How’s Rosa?” Alex eventually asked. “I want to go see her but Maria’s constantly there. The last thing Rosa and Liz need is any awkwardness right now.”
“To be honest, I don’t know how she is, really. She’s everything,” Kyle sighed. “She’s angry and confused, guilty and hurt.”
“I can’t imagine what she’s going through right now,” Alex spoke quietly. “Or Liz. Or even Isobel, with everything that happened between her and Noah and then Max.”
Staring down at his beer, Alex slowly straightened on the couch.
“Here I am drinking away because of a broken heart. Pretty pathetic.”
“Don’t do that,” Kyle shook his head. “Don’t try to minimalize anything you’ve been through. Not you, Alex. You’ve been through enough.”
Rubbing his tired eyes, Alex stayed quiet as Kyle shuffled on the couch beside him.
“Have you ever…talked to anyone?”
“You mean a shrink?” Alex asked, turning back to his friend. “To be honest, I’m not sure I can afford all the sessions it would take to fix everything that’s wrong with me.”
“There’s nothing wrong with you,” Kyle frowned.
“Come on, Kyle,” Alex smiled sadly. “I’m broken. I have been for a long time. Even I can admit that.”
“You’re not broken, Alex!” Kyle snapped, reaching out to grab his arm before softening his voice. “You’re not broken.”
Alex slowly looked away, ignoring the wetness in his own eyes. "Some days I tell myself that. I tell myself that I'm strong, that I won't let whatever I've been through define me. All I need to do is put one foot in front of the other and keep going. Other days, it's not easy remembering that."
Hating the sadness, Kyle lowered his beer to the table and rose to his feet.
“Come on, get up. We’re getting out of here.”
“Where?” Alex asked, peering up at him warily.
“Just get up and let’s go. We need something stronger than beer and if rum isn’t doing the job, I know what we need.”
Alex hesitated for a few seconds before reluctantly following Kyle out of the cabin. The drive towards town took longer than either expected but instead of stopping at one of the liquor stores, Kyle made a turn down a familiar road.
“Kyle, no!” Alex snapped when the other man parked the car. “Why are we here?”
“Maybe because it’s the only bar in town,” Kyle chuckled.
“Why can’t we just buy stronger booze from the liquor store?”
“We’ve been doing that all week. Come on, man, get out of the car.”
When Alex made no effort to move, Kyle sighed and reached out to touch his shoulder again.
“It’ll be fine. We don’t even have to talk to her or him if he’s there. Let’s just go in and try to forget all the crap that’s wrong in our lives for a few hours. If you want to leave, we’ll go.”
Sighing in defeat, Alex climbed out of the car and followed a grinning Kyle towards the Wild Pony. Sitting at the bar several feet away, Michael stared down at his half empty glass, the liquor helping him drown out the sounds around him. When he felt a sudden chill from the door bursting wide, he twirled around and froze, his breath catching in his throat. Three weeks ago, in Arturo’s apartment, had been the last time his eyes had caught sight of Alex. Looking at the other man again, his heart clenched in his chest, an ache inside him making him want to reach out. When his eyes finally noticed Kyle, his mood soured in an instant, watching as the two men made their way to the far end of the room. Turning back forward, the hand around his glass tightened, his anger making the bottles to his left rattle.
“Hey, what’s going on?” Maria asked, her sudden appearance making him loosen his grip. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine,” he repeated the words like a broken record. “Just tired.”
“Are you going to stick around for dinner? I can whip something up for you in the back?” she asked, smiling gently.
He looked away from her smile, his eyes catching Kyle as he walked to the counter, leaving Alex alone at their table. Maria followed his gaze and her smile quickly dropped.
“Hi Kyle,” she greeted, looking over his shoulder to see Alex busy on his phone.
“Hey,” he said, nodding at both before clearing his throat. “Can I get a couple shots? Whisky.”
She nodded and quietly turned around to make his drinks.
“One for you and one for your date?” Michael asked, unable to stop himself.
Kyle tilted his face towards him before shaking his head. “I’m not going to fight you, Guerin.”
“What makes you think I want to fight?” Michael spat.
“Maybe because of the way you’re staring at me right now, wishing you could make my head explode,” Kyle chuckled. “Maybe because I came here with Alex.”
Maria’s shoulders tensed but she kept her back towards them.
“Why would I care about Manes? Three weeks since my brother died, the guy hasn’t even picked up the damn phone.”
Kyle watched him for a long moment before grabbing the shots when Maria finally turned around.
“Could you put it on my tab?” he asked, giving a polite smile before disappearing through the crowd.
“Are you okay?” she asked quietly.
“Can I get another?” Michael ignored her question, quickly finishing his drink and waving his empty glass.
“Maybe you should go home,” she suggested.
“I’m a paying customer, DeLuca,” he said, giving the fakest smile he could muster.
She dropped her shoulders and quickly made his drink, sliding it towards him on the counter. “I have to do some inventory in the back. Want to keep me company?”
“Nah, I’m good here. You go do your stuff.”
Hesitating for another moment, Maria finally spun on her heels and walked away. Unable to stop himself, Michael tilted his head and watched over his shoulder as Alex lowered his glass and rose to his feet. Exchanging some words with Kyle, Alex pointed over his shoulder before making his way towards the restrooms. When Kyle pulled out his phone, relaxing in his seat at their table, Michael jumped to his feet and marched halfway across the bar, his drink easily forgotten. Pushing through the restroom door, he barged in and Alex jumped from his sudden appearance.
“Guerin,” he said, his voice breathless as he faced him.
“I thought you were done walking away,” Michael spat, taking a step forward, the blood in his veins coursing through him, leaving him hot all over.
“What are you talking about?” Alex frowned.
“You told me you were done walking away. Were you lying?”
“No, I wasn’t lying.”
“Then why haven’t I seen you in three weeks?” Michael shouted, not caring if his voice could be heard from outside. “My brother died and you disappeared like you always do when things get tough.”
“Are you serious right now?” Alex asked, his own anger quickly rising. “I’m sorry if I didn’t reach out. I thought it was better if I kept my distance.”
“Better for who? I needed you!” Michael snapped, the hurt he felt leaking through. “I needed you and you were gone, like always.”
“Maybe because you’re dating one of my best friends!” Alex spat back. “That hurt, Guerin. Do you really not see that?”
Not wanting to face the guilt he felt from causing the pain he saw in Alex’s eyes, Michael changed his footing and lifted his chin.
“Why would you be hurt, Alex? Were we ever anything more than epic sex?” he snapped. “Wasn’t even that epic, was it? All I got from you was a broken hand, empty promises and a piece of shit father who killed my mom. Thanks, Private.”
When he saw Alex’s face crumble, Michael instantly wanted to take his words back.
“That’s what it all comes down to, doesn’t it? I look at you and see the guy who chose one of my best friends without bothering to have a conversation with me first. Like I was nothing to you, nothing at all,” Alex scoffed, his voice tired. “You look at me and you see my father and everything he’s been responsible for. Doesn’t matter how much I try to fix what he’s done. I’ll never escape that man’s shadow.”
Michael swallowed the pain in his throat before speaking. “Sometimes I wish I never knew you.”
Laughing bitterly, Alex wiped a hand across his wet eyes. “Sometimes I wish the same thing.”
When he came to move past him towards the door, Michael felt a frantic need to keep Alex close. Lunging forward to grab his arms, he spun them around to pin the soldier against the door. They stared at one another in silence, nether speaking, their breaths growing heavy with every second that passed.
“Why didn’t you come to me when I needed you?” Michael whispered.
“Why did you choose Maria?” Alex whispered back.
When Michael’s gaze finally softened, Alex felt his own shoulders drop.
“What do you want from me, Michael?”
He looked away to the side, loving the sound of his name from Alex’s lips for the first time in years and hating the way the name had finally dropped.
“I thought we were connecting again but you told Maria you stopped loving me,” Alex exclaimed, his voice sounding defeated. “All I wanted these three weeks was to go to you, to try and take your pain away somehow but you’re with Maria, Guerin.”
He lifted his hand to point between them.
“This will never happen again,” he said and Michael took a sharp breath. “I’m connected to everything you hate in this world, to so much pain and misery.”
“No,” Michael started.
“I stayed away so you could be happy. So you could move on and be with someone you wanted.”
“Alex, stop,” Michael pleaded, feeling a sense of finality in the other man’s words.
“We’re done, Guerin. We’ve been holding onto this thing for so long and for what?” he said, repeating those words from Caulfield weeks ago. “You made a choice and you chose Maria. You chose happiness. I hate how you did it. I hate that I didn’t even cross your mind or hers. But what’s done is done. We can’t go back. You made your choice. Stick to it now.”
Pulling free from Michael’s grasp, Alex grabbed the handle before turning around a final time.
“You need to grieve. Let yourself feel that pain. Then let her heal you back up.”
Without waiting to hear Michael’s response, Alex wiped at his eyes and quickly walked out. Michael pressed back against the wall, smacking his head onto the concrete over and over again. He hated Max for dying, hated Noah for all the harm he had caused, hated Sergeant Manes for the pain he’d inflicted, hated Kyle for comforting Alex and he hated Alex because the love he felt for the soldier was so strong. More than anyone, he hated himself, for blaming Alex for everything that had gone wrong and for knowing he’d made the wrong call.
When he finally walked out of the restroom minutes later, the table where Kyle and Alex had used was vacant. Maria was watching him from behind the bar, a sad look of understanding crossing her features. Lowering his gaze, he ignored her calling his name and stumbled outside into the dark.