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Will remembered the first time he hurt himself. He was 14 and it was more or less an accident at the time. He was in class having another vision of himself stabbing one of his classmates and watching them bleed out in front of him. He remembered holding his compass a bit too hard and his hand starting to hurt. When he looked back it was bleeding. He didn’t really react at first. Just watched the blood calmly until someone noticed he was bleeding, and he was made to go to the toilet to clean up. He didn’t have any visions or urge to hurt someone for the rest of the day. That was how he discovered it.
Will had been hurting himself on and off since then. At first, he did it on his arms, but he quickly realized it wasn’t practical and moved to his chest, thighs and stomach. Anywhere people couldn’t see really. Some people suspected, the couple of girls he slept with saw, but all in all it was a well kept secret of Will’s life. He never went too far. Sometimes he would stop for months at the time without too much difficulty. He had it under control.
And then Hannibal came along. It took him longer to realize it than Will expected. After Garrett Jacobs Hobbs he started hurting himself more often. Never before seeing Hannibal. He knew Hannibal would smell the blood. He was odd like that. As they got closer Will was curious to see if Hannibal would notice it. Hannibal finally noticed after Will was hospitalized after shooting Gideon. He came to see him and even if the nurses and doctor had seen, Will knew nobody had talked. They had asked him if he was seeing someone for it. He had lied and said yes. He was seeing Hannibal, but it was not for it and he was not really his official psychiatrist. More of a friend at this point.
Hannibal only saw when Will got up in his hospital gown in front of him. Will didn’t really care at this point. He trusted Hannibal and he was too tired to put on sweat pants. Will saw Hannibal’s surprise the moment he spotted them; the lines, some old, some less. He tried to hide it, but it was obvious that Hannibal was taken aback by this new information. Will acted like nothing and sat down to eat his soup, but he saw Hannibal’s eyes analysing him.
At first, Hannibal didn’t mention it. They talked about Will’s last case until Hannibal couldn’t hold it anymore.
“So it would seem you haven’t been totally transparent with me Will.”
Will smiled, amused by Hannibal annoyed tone.
“And you have been?”
Hannibal looked hurt by that, but he didn’t comment.
“You are deflecting. However, you did not try to hide your scars from me today. Did you want me to see them?”
Will shrugged.
“I guess I just didn’t care anymore.” Will paused thinking about what he was about to admit. “I trust you.”
Hannibal’s eyes went soft for a second, but if Will hadn’t known him as much as he did he wouldn’t have noticed.
“Thank you Will.”
“I have to admit I was also curious about your reaction thought.”
“Were you hoping I would react a certain way?”
“Hmm I don’t know. I guess I just wanted to see if you would react like everybody else.”
Hannibal looked at him, calculating.
“And how did everybody else react?”
“They assumed things. It was annoying…. and boring.”
Hannibal was surprised by that last statement.
“What did they assume Will?”
“That I needed help.”
“And you don’t?”
“No.”
Hannibal seemed to consider Will’s opinion.
“You do not want to stop.”
“No, I have it under control. Always have.”
“And me trying to convince you otherwise would make you…?”
“Angry. Stay out of it Doctor.”
Hannibal could sense Will anger and stepped back.
“Alright then.”
Will knew Hannibal was dying to know more, to make him stop, he could feel it. He was impressed, by his self control and capacity to respect Will’s choice. That night Will decided he was right to trust Hannibal with this.
They didn’t talk about it again until Will was hospitalised and he finally saw Hannibal as he really was. As much as Will was angry with Hannibal he was also more interested than ever in getting to know him. Will had always liked how strange Hannibal was, but that was a whole new level of strange. He still wanted to kill Hannibal because honestly that bastard did deserve it, but he couldn’t deny to himself how intrigued he was.
At the hospital, they noticed the scars and took that as another proof that he was indeed insane. Will couldn’t really deny it. He didn’t know what he could have been like if he hadn’t had self harm to help him. They finally released him and Will started his game of cat and mouse with Hannibal. He didn’t feel the need to self harm at all. Now that they were more honest with each other, at least in part, Hannibal wasn’t afraid to ask Will again about his self harm during their session.
“Do you still hurt yourself Will?”
Will was a bit surprised by the question, but he tried not to show it.
“Not since I got out of the hospital. Why?”
“You never did tell me why you did it.”
Will smiled a bit at that.
“No, I didn’t”
Hannibal looked as intrigued as annoyed.
“And would you tell me?”
Will pretended to think about it for a bit and said:
“Why don’t you take a guess?”
Hannibal smiled, amused.
“I would guess you did it to ground yourself. Be completely in the moment instead of lost in your own head.”
Will’s laugh was harsh.
“Good guess. I would probably assume that too, but that’s not it.”
Hannibal tried again.
“Was it because you thought you deserved it?”
“Hmmm, no. It’s actually rarely done for one reason only, so all of those could be good, but in my case that’s not it.”
Hannibal tried a different approach.
“When did you start?”
“I was fourteen. I discovered it by accident.”
Hannibal nodded, seeing it clearly. A young vulnerable Will Graham always overwhelmed by other people’s feeling and rejected by everyone.
It was Will’s turn to ask.
“Does it bother you? That I do this?”
Hannibal was clearly lying when he said:
“And why would it bother me? It is your life Will.”
But at least he tried, thought Will.
“I think rationally you think that, but you still don’t like it. You care for me. In your own fucked up way, but you care. You don’t like the thought of me hurting myself and you unable to stop it. The only one allowed to hurt me is you.”
Will was obviously right and Hannibal’s reaction to his words was all the confirmation he needed.
“Will you start again?” was all Hannibal asked, not bothering to deny anything.
“Maybe, but for now you don’t have to worry. I…The urge is gone. Before you go thinking that it’s all because of you, I will admit that you play a part in it, but it is not all because of you.”
You narcissist ass, Will thought to himself.
Hannibal smiled pleased nonetheless.
“I am pleased that I am able to help, no matter the contribution.”
The subject was dropped again, and they continued their game of cats and mouse until Will had to chose and he broke both their heart. He got his stomach openned at the same time and lost Abigail, but all of this was nothing compared to how he felt about losing Hannibal.
He started to hurt himself again. Without Hannibal there to help him satisfy the urge, he needed it more than ever before. For the first time in his life, he lost total control over his habit. His ribs were quickly covered in scars and after 6 months Will had to admit, that he had broken his number one rule. Don’t ever use self harm to cope with your emotions.
He sailed to Europe to find Hannibal again and kill or kiss him he was not sure of that yet. Seeing him again was like being able to breathe again. Then everything went to hell and suddenly Hannibal was drugging him and planning to eat him. When Hannibal took his shirt off to clean the bullet wound and saw the hundred or so new scars on his chest his breath stopped. Hannibal suddenly didn’t seem as confident. He just looked very sad which amused Will a lot considering he was planning on killing and eating him. All Hannibal was able to say was:
“Will”
He sounded more emotional than Will had ever heard him before. Will avoided his eyes and just slured;
“You don’t have the right to be sad about this. You left…”
Hannibal heard the rest of it without having to hear it. He was the one to blame for those new scars.
“Because you betrayed me.”
Will shrugged with his working shoulder. He couldn’t deny it.
“And you betrayed me first. That doesn’t change anything.”
Just because they kept stabbing each other in the back didn’t mean they didn’t need each other. Against their own will often, but still.
Hannibal sighed, looking uncertain all of the sudden.
“I’m sorry Will.”
“Don’t be.”
Hannibal nodded, but there was still sadness in his eyes. He helped Will lie down on the sofa and treated Will bullet wound as gentle as ever. Will was half there half gone because of the strong drugs he had been given. Once is shoulder was bandaged and Hannibal was done with it, he spoke again.
“Will may I clean your wounds?”
Will was confused for a moment about which wounds Hannibal was talking about. He followed his eyes to his cuts and understood.
“They don’t really need treatment.” He said in a very sluggish voice.
The newest ones were 2 weeks old and they would simply heal on their own.
“Indulge me.” Hannibal almost pleaded. The fact that he was asking permission at all was pretty impressive considering so Will nodded. If it made him feel better.
Hannibal cleaned the cuts one by one with a reverence probably close to the one of Christians cleaning a pope’s body after his death. Will felt like he was trying to erase them by will alone. In the end, Hannibal caressed his scars like a lover would and Will’s breath hitched. Just when he was about to say something a group of Italian came in shouting and he was hit on the head.
The next time he woke up he was faced with a disfigured Mason. This whole affair was ridiculous, and Will was very tired. He was almost too tired to be scared, almost. When he was put on the operating table, he thought about how Hannibal caressed his chest to stop himself from panicking. Then he was put to sleep again which surprised him since he was supposed to feel everything. He felt cold and strong arms around him in his sleep. When he woke up he was warm again in his bed like it was all a dream. Hannibal was sitting by his side gazing at him, hopeful.
Will suddenly couldn’t deal with this anymore. It was all too much and no matter how much he wanted Hannibal in his life he couldn’t deal with the idea of letting his dark side take over when he had fought it all his life. However, the idea of giving up Hannibal for good without one last moment was too difficult to resist.
He sighed.
“Come here” he said taping on the bed for Hannibal to come sit next to him. Hannibal hesitate, taken aback by Will’s demand.
“I promise I won’t try to hurt you. It’s not like I can anyway. I just want…”
Will didn’t say anything. Couldn’t say it. Hannibal nodded, understanding.
He came to sit carefully on Will’s bed.
Will pushed his head against Hannibal shoulder and breathed. Hannibal slowly brought his hand to Will’s hair and caressed his curls with reverence.
“I’m here Will.”
Will didn’t say anything and stayed there enjoying the moment for as long as he could. After a couple of minutes, he raised his head and he was faced with Hannibal lips so close to him he couldn’t resist. He kissed him. Hannibal was so shocked it took him a dozen of seconds to react. When he did however Will was overwhelmed by the love he felt coming simply from Hannibal’s kiss and he had to stop it before he changed his mind.
This was the hardest thing he had ever said, but he had to say it.
“Hannibal…I can’t be with you.”
The hurt in Hannibal’s eyes was almost too much to bear.
“Why?” was all he asked.
“Because I’m not like you. I can’t let the dark parts of my mind rule my life. Run Hannibal. I won’t chase you or try to catch you.”
Hannibal looked sad, but he didn’t try to argue. Taking Will by surprise this time he took his hand and kissed his knuckles.
“Goodbye Will. Please be careful with yourself.”
Will didn’t answer and let Hannibal go without saying a word. Hours later after he had cried a bit, washed himself and tried not to regret his decision he heard noises outside. It was the FBI. Hannibal was giving him a chance to change his mind whenever he wanted. Will was both angry and relieved.
He had to move on. It was not good for him to pine after a serial killer. So he tried. He quit the FBI for good and started doing odd manual jobs here and there. It was how he met Molly. She was normal. She was sweet and good, so he settled. When she saw his scars the first time they made love she almost cried. She thought it was because of all he had gone through and she made him promise to come to her if he ever felt like hurting himself again. He didn’t contradict her because it was easier like that.
Times passed, Will missed Hannibal and he had a hard time not hurting himself, but he couldn’t afford to do it with Molly seeing his body as often as she did. Then Jack came to see him, and it was like all his efforts of the last 3 years had been for nothing.
He tried to pretend he was indifferent to Hannibal, but it was a lot of work and sometimes he couldn’t do it.
Once Hannibal stopped their banter and asked Will as softly as he could so Alana would not hear:
“Have you been hurting yourself Will?”
“No, I stopped…Molly…I didn’t want…it was easier like this.”
Hannibal nodded and looked at him like he could read into his soul.
“You have been feeling the need to start again lately have you not?”
The look Will gave Hannibal was all the admission he needed.
“Why?”
Will gave him a sad smile.
“Still haven’t figured out why I do it?”
“I think you do it for more than one reason now and one of these reasons is linked to me. I will admit to not being sure of the other one yet.”
Will couldn’t really deny it. He did often want to cut when he missed Hannibal. He didn’t want to admit it out loud however, so he changed the subject. Things happenned fast after that and it was only when he came close to dying by the dragon’s hand that he realized how much he would hate dying on Hannibal. The thought of hurting him was strangely horrible to Will now. He set everything in motion without knowing yet what he wanted exactly. It was only when Hannibal was free, and alone in the cliff house with him that he had a clearer idea of the ending he wanted.
Hannibal was hesitant and tentative around him. After all of Will’s work to look indifferent it was expected, but it annoyed him. Hannibal showed him around, gave him new clothes that fitted perfectly for some reason and offered to cook for him while he took a shower. Will nodded and it was only when he came out of the shower and sat on a stool watching Hannibal cook that he dared to say:
“You know you’re allowed to touch me.”
Hannibal stopped, looked at him, swallowed and kept going.
“Am I?”
“Yes, always.”
Will didn’t know where that came from, but it was the truth nonetheless. Hannibal stopped completely this time and just looked at Will. Will suddenly felt like he was on fire. Hannibal was in love with him. He had known that for a while, but it had never been more obvious than now. He then went to turn off the stove, walked to Will and kissed him without hesitation.
Will moaned in the kiss, finally feeling at home again after years of being lost. He touched Hannibal’s chest, trying to bring him closer and soon enough Hannibal was opening the buttons of his shirt. He kissed his neck next and at the same time he murmured.
“I think I found why you hurt yourself.”
Will made a noise curious, but also very absorbed by Hannibal’s mouth on him.
“It is because you are more like me than you would like to admit. Hurting yourself is a way of stopping yourself from hurting others. Keeping the beast inside, hidden from the world. You would rather bleed than show the world how beautiful you can be in your darkness”
Will took Hannibal’s face into his hand and forced him to look him in the eyes.
“Yes and I’m sorry. I won’t do it anymore. I want you and I want to be myself with you.”
Hannibal looked like he might cry, and he escaped Will’s hands to go kiss his now naked chest. He stopped at the scars and looked at Will asking for permission. Will nodded and Hannibal started kissing his scars with a devotion that would have scared the faint of heart.
“My beautiful boy, my beautiful beautiful monster. You have no idea how much I want you Will.” He murmured against his skin between kisses.
Will could only say almost crying too now:
“I know Hannibal, I know. I want you just as much.”
Hannibal came back to him and kissed him on the mouth. They shared a passionate and tender kiss, holding on to each other like drowning men.
Then both men froze and looked at each other with tension.
“The dragon is here.” Hannibal announced, calmly.
Will smiled.
“Then let’s go take care of him together.”
Hannibal’s face light up. He looked so in love with Will in that moment Will thought he could see his heart glowing.
“Yes, my dear boy. Let us do that.”
And they did.