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The sun was setting on the horizon when Matthias decided he should get him home. Berwald was more than happy to let him stay the night at his penthouse after the birthday bash (a bunch of other drunks are staying too anyway), but he had a brother to come home to. Who knows who or what Emil would invite over at their place? He definitely needed to come home.
And he missed being in Matthias' car.
He missed the odd air freshener that Matthias loved, as well as the small stuffed toy at the dashboard that is always different everytime he rides over. He missed listening to Matthias' playlist in some place other than techno and house parties. And he does admit he liked it when Matthias decides to roll down the window in road trips and let the fresh forest wind pass in and kiss them hello. It was just a medley of good feelings and good memoriesーthe only positive thing he could associate Matthias with after the break up.
Because if he were to admit, Matthias is a huge jerk. He talks about himself too often, his voice is way too loud, and the places he invites him to turns out to make him uncomfortable instead of relax. "Lukas Bondevik is not made for techno parties"ーhe wanted to write that in a paper to stick to Matthias's forehead. In conclusion, Matthias is...quite insensitive sometimes.
"Have you seen Emma earlier? I can't believe Antonio's not flexing her more often, she's a whole ten, man! Glad I met her," Matthias started to rant. If he were to be honest, he learned from his past mistakesーMatthias rarely ever deeply meant anything he has to say. Most of the times, he only says something just to fill in the silence he hated.
Lukas merely listened as he continued.
Back when they were still a thing, back when college was still the life he lived, back when he still had a source of happiness on Earth, Matthias was the center of his attention. However, he was only one of the many focuses (foci?) Matthias has. Is it even called a focus if there was so many?
He shrugged. He will never know.
"-And so she downed the tequila shot in one-" Matthias continued.
Back then, they were all younger. Berwald was still courting Tino, and there were more parties. He liked Matthias because he was the brightest person he had ever known. In the course of high school, he had known of Matthias' dreams as an aviation conductor of sorts, his odd fear of blood and his anger issues. Lukas had also known of Matthias' week-old kidney transplant and that he befriended the donor who lives in Holland. He even received the 2am rants that made Lukas aware of his complicated family relations and his love-hate cousin relationship with the Oxenstierna clan.
He had seen Matthias angry, lazy, sad, euphoric and drunk, and he found himself that all of his sides and fears and odd dreams didn't bother him at all. His soul is willing to accept Matthias' with all of the perfect imperfections he had. And that gave him a sense of purpose, and he is willing to share that purpose with him.
That seems too good for a love story that ended in just 3 years, right?
He glanced at the man beside him, driving. Comparing the Matthias he loved in highschool and college to the Matthias who is driving him home now, there is not much change. He did grow taller and muscular and started to show up in gatherings in suits instead of lame shirts, but nothing much had changed about him.
And that only means one thing: it was Lukas who changed instead.
"And then she-" Matthias paused to look at him as he stopped in the red light. "Are you okay?"
Lukas took a deep breath and narrowed his eyes, spotting something to point out instead of admitting he was staring. "You have lipstick on your jaw line."
The small smirk that passed on his face as he wiped it made Lukas want to punch him in the guts, honest. Instead, he looked back out the window and blinked at the last ray of sunlight on the horizon. He knew it could be used by Matthias against him sooner or later. He had made it clear that the break up was official, and yet Matthias' slight immaturity can be a wild card in everything. He might make it a universal issue that he was still into him even if he isn't.
Well, to be fair, the reason he fell out of love was him realizing that he fell in love with the idea of Matthias, not Matthias himself. He was in love with his struggles against poor academic skills and his determination to get everything he wants. He was in love with the softness in his eyes everytime he sees the Beilschmidts' dogs. He was in love with the smiles he gave even if he was strapped to the hospital bed looking for a kidney donor. He was in love with the perfume he wears according to the occassion. He was in love with everything that made Matthias himself.
But it was then he realized he wasn't in love with sleeping with him. He realized he wasn't in love with the social media announcements and the public display of affection. He realized he wasn't in love with the fact Matthias was fine about having him walk through the streets at night alone. He realized he wasn't in love with the fact Matthias is a man with many connections and relations and that he can't let go any of them for him. He wasn't in love with the fact that he was not necessarily more important than other people to Matthias.
He wasn't in love with the fact that he wasn't being treated right. And that was why he fell out of love.
"You're staring out the window," Matthias suddenly chimed in. His tone of voice caught Lukas off guard. It was break from his lengthy rants and it shocked him enough to lose his train of thought.
"Uh, can't you tell?" he replied in lack of anything to say.
The taller man chuckled, turning to the corner of the city Lukas and Emil lived. The buildings hid the horizon from his sight, but he knew it would be dark soon either way.
"You talked to Ivan earlier, right?"
He nodded. Matthias was good at filling the silence, the empty silence.
"What did you two talk about?" Matthias asked curiously, rolling the windows back up and turning the air conditioning back on as they entered the humid city roads.
Nothing that concerns you, Lukas wanted to say. However, a part of him knew what it felt to be answered so rudely. He took a deep breath and cuddled closer to the car seat. "Something about Emil's birthday on the 17th and him offering to bake a cake as a gift."
Matthias nodded in remembrance. "Right! Advance happy birthday to Em! How old was he then?"
He hated small talk. He was sure Matthias knew when Emil's birth year was anyway. "He's turning 19."
Matthias hummed. "Mhmm. Anyways, I-"
I miss the taste of a sweeter life, I miss the conversation-
He was interrupted by his own ringtone, leaving Lukas half-disappointed. He watched Matthias press onto his earpiece and answer the phone. It was probably someone that doesn't concern him, and so he looked back out the window.
There was no lie that Matthias had a strong soul. Something that rubs a little differently with Lukas's. He was the sunshine that he admired, and wanted to bask in the glory of. Matthias is a happy person who opened his soul to Lukas and Lukas was just a best friend that accepted it whole heartedly. It was basically just like that.
But there was still harm in loving someone, even if they're the brightest beings to existーthere is undeniable harm in loving someone who doesn't even love themselves. And those people, those unlucky people, could never love others at all.
That was a flaw his naive highschool self forgot to consider. If he didn't answer Matthias's date invites, they should have stayed friends and Matthias could be with someone better, and he would retain seeing him in a positive light.
But no. Matthias Kohler is no longer a positive thought in Lukas Bondevik's mind. All the things he admired were the only fragments that remained.
And then there was also the fear that lingers everytime he hears his name: the fear that he will fall back in when he got exposed to the good things that made him fall in love the first time. Would he fall back in love when he saw Matthias beam up at the sight of a good business record? Would he fall back in love when he got a good sniff of Matthias' citrus perfume? Would he fall back in love when Matthias showed his determination to succeed once again?
He sure hoped to heaven he won't.
"Okay, okay, I'll be there. Bye," Matthias ended the call, sighing when the call was ended. He turned to the blond beside him and smiled thinly. "So, yeah. I was thinking about this one thing, Lukas."
Could this be another one of his good old tricks? Lukas thought.
"What?"
He turned left, to the block of his apartment. "About a year ago. You know....July 26th. A month from now."
Lukas took a sharp inhale at the mention of their breakup date.
"Yes, so what?"
Their apartment came into view, a three-storey flat with noticeable red curtains. The reason it was red was because of, once again, Matthias. He should have gotten rid of those curtains a long time ago, he just took note.
Matthias pulled over and unlocked the door, giving a sigh as the engine noise ceases to purr. Lukas sighed as he stepped out of the car. Matthias probably loved his car more than he loved him, ever.
"I'd like to invite you over for skydiving. You know, a free fall of sorts. It will be fun!" Matthias' entire demeanor changed, going from serious to a childlike giddiness. It almost made Lukas punch the car's roof or slam the door shut.
Lately, he was sure Matthias' entire goal was to make him lose in a game he started. He can't afford to fall back in. There is no point, entirely no point in being with someone who hurt him and could still hurt him.
Instead of slamming the door like he initially wanted, he returned one of the thin smiles Matthias gave him earlier and shut the door normally.
"I'll pass, thank you."
//
July 26th is All or Nothing day, a day to stop thinking about something you've been deliberating doing and to finally decide if you are going to do it or not. If you decide to do it, don't go at it delicately, but put your whole being into it. If you decide not to do it, then don't think about it again; you've made your decision to do "nothing" and you need to stick with it. Make your decision now and move forward with whatever you decide.