Archive of Our Own

The table is cool against Jisung’s cheek as he slumps onto it. His fingers continue to tap mindlessly away at the laptop in front of him, a bunch of v’s and b’s filling up the word processor, and the rest mostly spaces because that’s the easiest to hit.

“Wow, you’re being so productive.”

Jisung closes his eyes and huffs, blowing the bit of his fringe prickling at the corner of his eye out of his face. “Shhhh. Chenle, nobody asked for your opinion. Let me mope and pretend I’m dead in peace,” Jisung drawls, turning away from the source of the voice.

Chenle snorts. “You don’t have to pretend, you can actually die for all I care, but only after we submit the project. Anytime before that and I’ll go down to hell just to bring you back and finish it.”

“How do you know I won’t go to heaven?” Jisung faces his group mate, blinking curiously, tone slightly offended. He might have made some dubious choices in his life but he’s never consciously caused harm to anything or anyone — like kidnap or murder someone — not to his memory anyway.

Chenle rolls his eyes. “Go see if anybody in the church ‘round the corner would let you go to heaven after they hear about how gay you are for Jae—”

Jisung slaps a hand across Chenle’s mouth, only to reel back seconds later with a screech. “What the actual fuck! You licked my hand?!” Chenle sticks out his tongue at him to mock him further, while Jisung furiously scrubs at his hand with a tissue moistened with condensation from their drinks. “You’re so gross!”

Multiple glances fall upon them in the cafe and Jisung wishes he could simultaneously cut off his hand and dig a hole into the ground, bury himself, never to surface again. The owner would probably not appreciate an artistic installation of Jisung in the Ground, in Embarrassment and in Disgrace™ in the middle of his place; speaking of whom, Youngho is throwing them an exasperated glance from behind the counters to keep it down. The guy then throws in a smirk with an eyebrow wiggle as if to suggest, keep the kinks in private, this is a public space. Jisung ducks his head twenty percent in apology and eighty percent in fear of meeting anybody else’s eyes. He hides his face in his hands, exhaling heavily, wondering aloud where it all went wrong.

“There, there,” Chenle half-heartedly consoles him, reaching over to pat his head condescendingly. “Everything is going to be okay, little grasshopper.”

————————————————————

Jisung wonders if it’s too dramatic to say that everything started from when he was first born, but then again, it’s the plain truth. He’s known Jaemin all his life. Whenever the chance arises, both their mothers like to remind them with lots of stories of them both growing up together, that Jaemin has been a part of Jisung’s life pretty much from the moment he set foot on this earth.

Jisung doesn't remember because he was a helpless baby then, barely a couple hours old. He's swaddled in a baby blue onesie, lying down in his cot at the end of his mother's hospital bed, minding his own business and getting mildly fascinated with the crib mobile hanging above him that his father had clipped on. There's a lot of cooing at him coming overhead, and two adults become four adults leaning over him. Four eyes become eight eyes staring down at him. No wonder he has a fear of spiders.

Suddenly, a lump in a sort of matching baby pink onesie (Mama Na holds no regards for how society has deemed certain colours meant for specific genders) is deposited next to him. Large, round eyes stare at barely open ones from being still unaccommodated to the bright lights of the world. The older boy's eyes widen a little more as he reached out for the baby's face.

Nine months in his mother's womb did not prepare Jisung for the fluorescent lights of the hospital ward, nor did it prepare him for small, stubby fingers pinching at his cheek when he did absolutely nothing to provoke his assailant. (Jisung likes to pin the blame on Jaemin for the extraordinary stretchiness of his cheeks because of this incident. Jaemin always grins and pull at his cheeks even more in response.)

Park Jisung's first cry was induced by the gynaecologist to make sure all the fluids were clear from his respiratory system, but the second cry was induced by none other than Na Jaemin, a toddler less than two years older than him, who promptly also starts crying at the sound of his wailing.

Yet, in the days that follow, Jisung sees so much of Jaemin that his first words are neither mama nor papa, but Nana, followed by a garbled utterance and then a drool-dripping grin.

At three years old, Jisung has known Jaemin all his life so far, and Jaemin is pretty much all his life. It’s no surprise that he bursts into tears when he wakes up to Jaemin’s absence because the older boy has started attending a kindergarten nearby. No amount of assurance from Mama Park that Jaemin would be back in the afternoon could console him. She eventually lets him sit on the Nas’ doorstep next door, their apartment door left open so she can check that he hasn’t been kidnapped or wandered off to find Jaemin on his own.

Jaemin returns to a tearful bundle sitting on his doormat, knees hugged to the chest, sniffling every now and then.

"Jisung-ah!" Jaemin shouts happily at the sight of the younger, letting go of his mother's hand to run to the boy. Their mothers watch the dramatic reunion scene with fond chuckles.

Jisung gets up from the floor and starts sobbing even harder. He sees Jaemin dressed in a nice uniform with the school name printed on the sleeves, bright pink backpack he picked out a week ago on his shoulders. His name Na Jaemin is written on a sticker shaped like a cloud stuck to the left of his chest and there are smiley face stickers all around it. Jaemin looks happy and like he hardly missed him.

“Nana… You left me behind to go to school… Do you not want me anymore?” Jisung whimpers pitifully.

“Jisung-ah, don’t cry, I’m sorry I didn’t get to say goodbye this morning but mom told me you were still sleeping and I shouldn’t disturb you. You can come to school with me when you’re as big as me!” Jaemin explains himself, rambling on a little bit. He hugs the younger boy apologetically and lets Jisung press his face to his shirt and dry his tears. “Look! Look! Look at this instead!” He tugs at the smaller boy in his arms and point to the stickers on his shirt.

He carefully peels off one of them to stick it onto Jisung's shirt. "The teacher told us to stick a smiley face on someone you want to be friends with. I got a few, but I saved mine for you! See, now we match!”

Jisung sniffs one last time before breaking out into a smile for the first time that day. "We will be best friends forever, right?"

"Of course we will!"

When Jisung is five years old, Jaemin has been on their neighbourhood’s playground scene for two more years than he has. The older boy knows most, if not all, of the children, their names, their ages, some of their birthdays and maybe could recite their list of favourite fruit in reverse alphabetical order for a select few he’s built sandcastles with in the pit. Jaemin is a people-person, with his bright eyes and even brighter smile, dragging Jisung along and introducing them to his playmates. The children quickly learn that Jaemin and Jisung are inseparable — Jaemin makes sure to bring Jisung along whenever anyone approaches him, and anybody who wants to befriend Jisung has to get through Jaemin first.

The first time one of the girls asks Jaemin and Jisung to play house with them, Jaemin makes her cry by adamantly refusing to partner up with her.

“I don’t want to play if she’s mommy,” he declares with a pout when questioned by the adults. “Dad says that mom is his best friend, so if I am daddy, the mommy of the family must be my best friend. I only have one best friend and that’s Jisung, so he’s the only one who can be my wife.” Standing to the side, Jisung thinks about it and with his current available knowledge and sense of logic (mostly learned from Jaemin anyway), that sounds about right. He returns home that day and asks his own dad about it at the dinner table.

“Dad, is mom your best friend?”

Mama Park looks at her husband expectantly with a smile, while Papa Park replies with a chuckle. “She’s one of my best friends, yes. Your mom and I, together with Jaemin’s mom and dad, we are all best friends. That’s why we live so near each other.”

Jisung ponders for a moment. “Do best friends all live together like that?”

Mama Park shakes her head. “Not all best friends live together. We live together in one house because your dad and I are special best friends. We got married, became husband and wife then had you, so now we are a family that lives together in one house. Jaemin’s mom and dad are our best friends but they live in a separate house from ours.”

“So special best friends get married and live together in one house?”

His parents nod with a smile. Jisung swallows the last bite of his rice and wipes his mouth with the back of his hand.

“Then I’m going to marry Jaemin. So we can live together in one house when we’re older like you.”

Both Mama Park and Papa Park break out into laughter at the solemn declaration. By the next day, the Na’s have heard of the five-year-old’s bold and noble aspirations. Jaemin grins unapologetically at the commotion he has caused as he confirms it with the boy himself. “Jisung-ah, are you going to marry me in future?”

The younger boy nods without hesitation. “You said only your best friend can be your wife, and special best friends get married, become husband and wife and then live together. So I will marry you and be your wife when we get older!”

“Okay, pinky promise with a stamp?” Jaemin sticks his pinky out.

Jisung curls his pinky around Jaemin’s, pressing his thumb to the older boy’s as well.

It goes without saying that every single time they play house after that, if Jaemin’s playing daddy, Jisung has to be his wife and therefore mommy. This goes on for quite a well before Jisung realises he’s been duped and this moment of folly is the first step in the direction that leads towards a point of no return.

——————————

It’s an ordinary Friday when Jaemin steps out into his room’s balcony with his school bag slung carelessly on one shoulder, kicking off his slippers as he climbs up onto one side of the walls with practiced ease. He lets himself glance downwards briefly — it’s seven stories up and not exactly the place he wants to meet his demise from. It would be a pretty terrible reason to be splashed across the news for, and what if some third-rate reporter makes up things about his accidental fall like teenage depression and link him to stress of the society? Maybe some political figure might use it to kick up some educational reform for middle schoolers. Less homework lest your student dies! He shudders at the thought and chides himself. The only real kick he was going to get would be in the ass from Papa Na if he finds out Jaemin never stopped this dangerous behaviour from the first time he did it when he was ten, just to see his best friend.

Stretching one leg out to the next balcony over, he gets a good hold of the other wall and then slips over stealthily, depositing himself softly in front of Jisung’s room. He gives himself a pat on the back for a healthy growth spurt; each climb gets easier with each growth in length of his legs.

The sliding doors to Jisung’s room are closed and he can’t really see the inside since it’s still bright out. Squishing his face against the glass, he cups his hands around his eyes to spot the younger boy sitting at his desk, working on his homework, back facing the balcony. There’s a pop song playing in the background, just loud enough to cover the sound of Jaemin slowly sliding the door open and letting himself in. He grins to himself as he quietly makes his way to Jisung. Jaemin slowly peeks over the boy’s shoulder to see what he’s working on.

“Jisung-ah, your handwriting is really awful.”

Said boy jumps from his chair and flings the pen in his hand at the sudden presence beside him in surprise. Hand over his heart, Jisung calms down only when he realises it’s just Jaemin. “You scared me!” he hisses. The unapologetic presence in his room simply laughs and pinches his cheeks, cooing “Aww, did I scare my wittle Jisung-ie? Cute, cute, you’re so cute!”

“Hyunggg,” Jisung whines, swatting at the hands holding his cheeks hostage. Once freed, he takes a glance at the alarm clock sitting by his bedside — no wonder, it’s already six p.m., Jaemin’s done with extracurricular activities and after dinner it’d be time for their scheduled weekend movie marathon and sleepover.

Jaemin opens his bag and pulls out all the junk food he bought on the walk back, half of them Jisung’s favourites. He shoves them under the blanket so neither of their moms will find them, and when they do, it’d just be snack wrappers left and too late. He flops over on Jisung’s bedroom floor once he’s done, stretching his limbs out to give his best impression of a starfish, staring at the younger boy who has gone back to scribbling his answers on a worksheet.

“Jisung-ah.”

“Mhmm?” The younger boy doesn’t even look away from his work.

“Jisung-ah.”

“Yeah?”

“Jisung-ah.”

“What?”

“Jisung-ahhhhh.”

“What do you want.”

Jaemin grins cheekily when Jisung finally turns to throw him an annoyed frown.

“Jisung-ah, entertain me. I’m so bored, so, so, so bored.”

“Do your own work, else we won’t find time to do it later.”

“But I already finished it in school before track and field just now.”

“Good for you.”

“Do you want me to help you with yours? Ask me, ask me! I’ve done all the things you’re doing now two years ago anyway!” Jaemin sits up and wraps his arms around Jisung’s leg.

Jisung scoffs and nudges the clingy boy away by prodding the back of his pen on the older boy’s forehead. “No thanks, that last time you helped me, I got more than half my History homework wrong.”

Jaemin pouts, letting go of Jisung’s leg to rub the spot on his head. “It’s only History I’m not good at!”

Jisung scrunches his nose at Jaemin, still unconvinced. “Forget it, I’m almost done anyway. Go back to your room and stop disturbing me, ‘else I’m never finishing it!”

Jaemin lets himself fall back onto the floor, disgruntled by the younger’s rejection. When he realises Jisung really isn’t going to pay him any attention, he begrudgingly picks himself up, gives Jisung an affectionate ruffle of his hair and eliciting another grumble before he hauls himself across the gap between their balconies back to his room.

Hours later, Jaemin shows up to the Parks’ through their main door like normal people do, thankfully. But there’s nothing normal about the Ryan-printed pyjamas Jaemin is clad in. Jisung purses his lips and narrows his eyes at the baby blue long sleeves and pants, patterned with an orange bear with two dots for eyes and no mouth. He looks down at his own sleep attire; plain, dark coloured shirt and shorts, then back at Jaemin’s flashy clothes. The corner of Jaemin’s lip lifts up a little as he asks unabashedly, “Jealous? If you ask nicely, I’ll ask my mom buy an Avengers one for you.” Jisung feels his eye twitch as he rejects the offer.

Jaemin makes himself comfy in Jisung’s bed after they decide on a Marvel binge. The bed is really meant for one small child, not two growing tweens, so it’s a bit of a snug fit, especially with Jisung’s abundant pillows and stuffed toys. Jaemin leans in to Jisung, resting his head on the younger’s shoulders, wrapping his arms around the smaller boy’s waist and shamelessly rests his legs on top of the other boy’s. Jisung complains he’s being suffocated with no actual bite to his words. Around the third Iron Man movie, they fall asleep, letting the movies continue to run on the laptop perched on their laps.

It’s some time in the afternoon when Jisung slowly wakes. There’s rapid clicking noises from Jaemin typing on his phone keyboard (which he refuses to turn the sound off of because it sounds cute, to which Jisung had replied that one day a serial killer is going to be hunting you down but the moment you try to get help your stupid keyboard will give your location away and you’ll die) but he doesn’t open his eyes nor budge because it feels so comfy and warm leaning against Jaemin. The only thing that gives away his semi-conscious state is his habitual nose scrunch, which the older boy notices and ditches his phone to instead poke Jisung in the waist, laughing a belated “‘Morning, sleepyhead!” when the younger flinches awake.

Throughout the day, they alternate between gaming and snacking, throwing in a short nap when they’re too lazy to do anything. Jisung notices that Jaemin is awfully busy on his phone when they’re both sprawled out on his room’s floor, taking a break from a Wii U dance off.

“Jaemin hyung. Is there something up?”

“Mhmm? Oh, no, no, nothing much. I’m just texting Renjun,” Jaemin replies distractedly.

Jisung hums softly in lieu of a reply. Renjun and Jaemin have been going out for a couple months, but if you were to ask him, they don’t seem to be in a relationship much at all. For one, Jisung only found out they were dating because he overheard Renjun rejecting someone’s confession and mentioning he was seeing Jaemin. Also, Jaemin spends more time with Jisung than his supposed boyfriend. But then again, it might just be the fact they’ve known each other for so long and habitually spend so much time together, it’s going to take a while to wean off of each other’s constant presence. And there’s also the fact they’re neighbours attending the same school. Jisung once asked if Jaemin should be walking home with Renjun instead of him at the start of their relationship, and Jaemin had looked at him funny, pulled a confused face and asked incredulously why he would do that when his home isn’t in the same direction.

Jisung shrugs it off. Overall, he is very confused but he hasn’t got much relationship experience to speak from (read: zero romantic relationship experience), so perhaps things are just supposed to be like that.

Night falls and they’re back in Jisung’s bed, a random romcom playing on Jisung’s laptop screen because they couldn’t be bothered to make a proper choice. It’s almost midnight and they’re both not tired yet thanks to a short nap in the evening. Jisung is watching intently and a thousand thoughts go over in his head as he can’t help but compare Jaemin and Renjun’s seeming lack of relationship in comparison to the onscreen couple. It’s probably not comparable, he tells himself. It’s a heteronormative couple being portrayed on screen, which firstly, Jaemin and Renjun are not, and secondly, they’re real life people; they’re not going to be dramatic like that.

At the end of the movie when the two leads finally kiss and head off to their happily ever after, Jaemin suddenly sighs. It’s neither happy nor sad, and Jisung wants to ask but Jaemin speaks up first. “Jisung-ah, as my longest friend who knows me best, do you think I can find my special someone like the main characters do? Or do you think I’m going to die old and lonely?”

“Wha—”

“Maybe not lonely, definitely going to adopt a samoyed. Or two. Or...” Jaemin pauses and breaks out into a grin. “Three!”

Jisung frowns and pinches Jaemin on the arm for the interruption. “What are you talking about, you have Renjun hyung.”

Jaemin sighs again, neither happy nor sad, again. He leans into Jisung’s neck, wrapping his limbs around the small boy like an octopus with its prey.

“Yeah, about that, I think he broke up with me over text just now.”

“What!” Jisung exclaims and pushes Jaemin away just enough to look him in the eye. The older boy has the audacity to whine and try to snuggle back into his comfy spot.

“I mean, we’re bound to break up anyway. We probably won’t go to the same high school next year. He just took the chance to say it first because I didn’t make time for him yesterday.”

“Yesterday?” Jisung questions. He pats Jaemin’s back softly, assuming he’s probably sad and heartbroken.

“Yeah! He asked me out after school on Friday but I told him before that I spend every weekend with you, it’s our thing. But he doesn’t get it and still asks me out, like, every other weekend? Then, he says I only ever meet him in school and that’s because I have to be in school. So he said we might as well break up now and save ourselves the trouble later. So I said okay.”

Jisung’s hand stops petting Jaemin to meet his face in a facepalm instead. “Hyung you could have told me and went out with him. I’m not going to die if we don’t spend one weekend together!”

Jisung feels Jaemin pout against his neck. “Jisung-ie is all grown up and doesn’t want me anymore…” He dramatically sniffs, but it only comes out as a really loud inhale. “When we were younger you would cling onto me when we had to go home saying you won’t let go ever…” He sniffs again. “And when you were five you told your mom you would marry me and be my wife when we were older…”

“Stop! Stop bringing that up!” Jisung yells, pushing Jaemin away from his neck and gripping him in a half strangle. His face heats up in embarrassment. “You practically tricked me into saying that!”

Jaemin visibly deflates, corner of his lips pulled down and even his eyes droop a little. “Jisung-ah, do you really not want me anymore?”

“Hyung,” Jisung wets his lips with his tongue as he ponders how to put it across. “If I didn’t want you, I’m more than ten years too late to return you. Even sold goods have like, a— what— seven day policy?”

Jaemin brings up a pillow to hit Jisung in the face. “Why can’t you just say you love me!”

Jisung gasps in shock that he’s been hit, even though it doesn’t actually physically hurt.

“Get that from your boyfriend — wait okay never mind — hold up hold up!” Jisung dodges an incoming pillow blow. “Hold up! You just broke up and you’re already asking someone else to say they love you? Are you even a little bit sad that your relationship is over?”

Jaemin shrugs. “Well, the more important thing is that I don’t want to die alone in future. Even if I get three dogs. I want to wake up to the person I like every morning, do dumb things with them throughout the day and then cuddle them to sleep with at night. Rinse and repeat. Kinda like what we do every weekend.” Jaemin sits up straight suddenly, and promptly falls off Jisung’s bed. Jisung looks on in horror, leaning over the edge to help him up.

“Are you okay?”

Jaemin grabs the offered hand but makes no effort to get up, lacing their fingers together instead. “Jisung-ah, we should sign on it.”

“What?”

“When you were five years old you said you would marry me and—”

Jisung slaps his other hand onto Jaemin’s mouth. “Stop, please, I beg you, let me live, please.”

Jaemin smacks the hand away and sits up in a hurry, knocking his head against Jisung’s. 

“Ow!”

“Ouch!”

Jaemin rubs at his forehead while Jisung clutches his head in pain. “Why do you keep hurting me!”

“I’m hurt too! Physically, and emotionally! Why are you acting like it’s an awful thing to marry me!” Jaemin shouts back, unwilling to back down.

Jisung feels heat creeping up his neck and he flushes red, unsure if it’s more in anger or embarrassment. “I didn’t say that! It’s just— You just— You keep using it against me!”

“But it’s a fact! You said you would marry me! As I was saying, before you interrupted me by letting me knock into your big head—”

“Excuse me? Why are you making it seem like it’s my fault!” Jisung retorts indignantly.

“You’re excused. Shush, shush, this is important. Since you said you’ll marry me, we should do this; if we don’t have anyone else by the time you’re thirty, we should get married.”

Jisung rolls his eyes while rubbing the sore spot on the side of his head. They really shouldn’t have watched the romcom just now. And did Jaemin’s brain cells all die when their heads knocked into each other? “Why would I do that?”

“You said you would! You even pinky promised with a stamp! Are you a man or what?”

Truly lethal words for a ten-year-old boy who knows nothing about the world yet. Jisung shouts furiously, “Of course I am!”

“Good. Now let’s draft a contract and sign on it!”

Many hours later, when the contract has been signed and Jaemin has returned home with one copy, Jisung feels something is wrong as he stares at his own copy, a nagging feeling that he might have been lowkey duped again, just like when he was five, and pushed further out on an edge with no chance of turning back.

——————————

When Jisung enters high school, it’s no big brainer that it’s the same high school as Jaemin’s. Geographically speaking, it makes sense since it’s one of the closer ones to their homes, and well, since they’re neighbours, whichever is closer to Jaemin’s house will be the one closer to Jisung’s house as well. Besides, they’ve only been in the same schools throughout the years. It’s not entirely unacceptable to go to different schools, just that the thought has never even been entertained. Mama Na makes sure that Jaemin walks Jisung to his class on the first day and get him acquainted with the environment just like they did for elementary and middle school. Mama Park even packs him an extra lunch box to bribe him take care of Jisung and make sure he stays out of trouble.

Jaemin being Jaemin, he goes the extra mile and introduces his friends to Jisung just like he did when they were kids at the playground. Jisung quickly becomes acquainted with Jeno and Donghyuck who are technically his seniors but it’s hard not to when Donghyuck is popular like Jaemin, also loud, while for Jeno, wherever Jaemin is, he’s also there. Jisung does make his own same-aged friends, but more often than not, he’s spending his free periods and lunch time with the three of them. Strangely enough, within a couple of months, Jeno is completely gone from their lunch table. Jisung asks about it once, to which Donghyuck nonchalantly states Jaemin and Jeno were kind of dating but it just didn’t work out. Relationships, go figure.

When Jaemin graduates high school and heads off to mandatory service, Jisung suddenly realises he’s never really known how life is without Jaemin around. He feels mopey about the lack of the older boy’s presence, as well as Donghyuck’s absence occasionally, but for the most part he just really misses Jaemin. Even his seatmate remarks that he’s getting really distracted these days. He can’t help it, he’s so consumed with the thought of Jaemin being gone from his life for about four years — two years for the older boy’s service, and then the next two years of his own service — he doesn’t even notice things beginning to go missing from his table.

It’s weeks before he finally realises, and things have escalated by then. Jisung finds his books vandalised with bright red markings calling him names, though he’s not quite sure what he’s done to provoke them. He lets his homeroom teacher know, but keeps quiet for the most part because he’s not the confrontational kind, and to be honest, he really doesn’t know what else he can do. He contemplates telling Jaemin, but decides against it since the older is probably having a tough time in military training; he doesn’t need to know about small matters such as these.

In any case, the teacher catches the culprit and punishes the boy with a few weeks of detention. When his teacher had summoned him and the culprit to the office, he’s genuinely confused because he’s pretty sure he has never even interacted with the boy once. The situation is written off as mischief on the vandal’s part and they’re sent back to class without much fanfare.

Jisung escapes to the bathroom after the fiasco, leaning over the basins and sighing in relief. He didn’t even realise how tense he had been the whole time. Frowning at his reflection in the mirror, he wonders if he’s been a little too coddled and spoiled by Jaemin. He has never really had to worry about anything through elementary and middle school, with Jaemin always around to help him make friends, walk him to and fro home and school, keep him safe. He thinks about the present, how he misses Jaemin’s presence so dearly, wondering how the next four years would be. He lets himself imagine what the future would be like if they were to grow awkward from the lack of interaction and feels a dull ache creeping into his chest. He has wondered about what his future might be like a few times and realise that every single one of his thoughts still has Jaemin in his life. A tingly warmth spreads from his chest and down his spine, and suddenly all he can hear is the erratic throbbing of his heart in his ears from the increased blood flow to his face.

He’s broken out of his reverie and brief realisation when a couple of boys enter the washroom, to which he splashes some cold water at his flushed face and quickly excuses himself to leave.

However, a rough tug backwards stops him from walking away and he is unceremoniously shoved into a bathroom cubicle.

“You tattletale, you got Mr. Lee to give Minho detention for three weeks, didn’t you?”

Jisung winces from being knocked against the door and then thrown onto the floor.

“Why don’t you go tell your older friends to come help you? Stupid scrawny little kid… Oh wait, aren’t they all in military now?”

The boys collectively laugh at that and Jisung falls silent, unsure what to say.

“What? Not so cool now that your hyungs aren’t around to protect you, huh? Wah, I seriously hated how you always walked down the corridors like you’re better than us,” the boy continues to spit.

Someone calls out a hey! The discipline master is coming! from outside and the boy lets go of Jisung, everybody scattering quickly. Jisung sees his seatmate peek in cautiously before helping him up.

“Thanks,” Jisung mumbles.

“Are you okay? Do you want to tell the teachers?” his seatmate asks worriedly.

Jisung dusts himself off and shakes his head.

“They’ll only get worse if you don’t. You didn’t even do anything to them!”

“It’s okay, they probably won’t do it again. I’m fine, aren’t I? Let’s get back to class before next period starts.”

Things unfortunately don’t go as Jisung hopes, and he’s stopped by the group of boys after school later that week. He is forced back into his seat, cornered, as one of them swipes his stationary off his desk and another empties his bag onto the floor. One of the boy grabs him by the collar roughly.

“I told you not to tattletale didn’t I? I don’t know how you did it but now all of us have detention!”

Jisung stares, flabbergasted. He sure as hell didn’t say anything, and is truly confused over the whole situation.

“What are you going to do now? There’s nobody left to help you call the discipline master today. All you’re good at is sucking up to teachers and seniors.”

Another hand grips onto the bully’s arm and practically flings him away from Jisung. The newcomer pulls Jisung up and shields him from the boys. It takes Jisung a while to recognise Jaemin, who is sporting shorter hair and has gotten tanner from training in the hot sun. “Hyung…”

“If you’re jealous Jisung is close to his seniors, you should take a look at yourself. You’re not someone any of us want to hang out with,” Jaemin scathingly remarks. “And if you have a problem with who I befriend, take it up with me. Keep your paws off of Jisung.”

One of the boys scoff. “Hah, so Jisung didn’t just tell the discipline master, he also went to tell on us to his older friends to come back and protect him.”

“But only one of them cares about the little damsel in distress enough to come to his rescue — what, is he your little boyfriend or something?” The boys all break into rambunctious laughter.

Jaemin raises an eyebrow at the assertion but responds without a beat. “And what if he is? What’s it to you?”

Jisung looks on in surprise at Jaemin’s words. The laughter halts abruptly. “Fucking disgusting,” another boy spits. “No wonder the seniors used to like him so much, he’s their little lover.”

Jaemin grabs the rude boy by his collar harshly, lifting him up so his feet don’t touch the ground. “Get this straight, Jisung is lovable in his own right. You wish you could be half of what he is. He doesn’t need to resort to actually disgusting things for attention unlike the likes of you.” Jaemin leans uncomfortably close to his face with an unsettling smile. The boy struggles to get out of his grip, pupils blown in panic. “Scared? Don’t be, I just really feel like beating you up so you learn some respect and how to be a human being. How many hits should he get, Jisung-ah?”

Jisung breaks out of his stupor. He quickly shakes his head and tugs at the back of Jaemin’s shirt to stop him. “Hyung, don’t… I’m okay. I don’t want you to get in trouble.”

“Hear that? Quit messing around with my Jisung-ie, understood? If not for him right now I’d have let you known what it feels like to have a face swollen like a pig’s head already. Next time, I won’t just be grabbing your collar; I will break one bone of yours for every single hair follicle of Jisung you touch.” He throws the boy down onto the ground, cracks his knuckles and stretches his neck. “Let me know if you want a little preview on what military training teaches you.”

“You’re fucking crazy,” one of the boys seethes and throws a chair in Jaemin and Jisung’s direction. Jaemin pulls Jisung aside to dodge it, letting it crash into a desk behind them. He’s about to throw another chair when they’re interrupted by a loud voice from outside the classroom.

“Stop all these nonsense!”

The discipline master strides in, jaw clenched. “Was detention not enough for the lot of you? You can all enjoy a two week suspension from school then! Everybody in my office right now, nobody is leaving until their parents come get them and hear of the nonsense their sons have been getting up to.”

Jisung spots his seatmate waving at him round a corner as everyone is shuffled into the discipline master’s office. Once he’s cleared and dismissed, he leaves the room to see Jaemin waiting for him, conversing with his seatmate.

“You were the one who got all of them into detention, weren’t you,” Jisung questions, but it comes out more of a statement. There is no denying anyway. “If they find out, you’re going to be in so much trouble.”

His seatmate shrugs. “Doesn’t matter. The discipline master is my uncle. They won’t be able to do anything to me.”

Jisung wants to argue more, but Jaemin shoots him a look and he keeps quiet.

The walk back to their homes is quiet, not the comfortable kind Jisung is used to. They don’t exchange a word, not even when they have reached Jisung’s apartment and Jaemin follows him to his room. Jisung chews on his bottom lip as he looks down at his socked feet. Feelings of discomfort eat at him from the inside because of the silence. Jaemin is frowning and looks especially angry with his arms crossed. Jisung doesn’t know if he should apologise — but why should he? He already feels maligned enough to have been bullied for no good reason. The more he thinks about it, the more upset he feels and tears begin to make their way down his face.

Jaemin deflates, arms dropping to his side. He tilts Jisung’s head up slightly to look at him. Jisung glares back in the most defiant expression he can muster, though the tears and sniffing makes him look more like a hamster left pitifully in the rain.All of Jaemin’s anger dissipates at the sight of the crybaby before him. In fact, his heart hurts quite a little bit at the thought of Jisung being bullied in school.

“I’m angry, really angry, I want to scold you, but I haven’t even started and you’re crying already. Now how am I supposed to say anything?”

The corners of Jisung’s lips pull down even more. “Why are you angry with me? I didn’t do anything wrong! If I fight back I would be punished too!”

Sighing, Jaemin pulls Jisung into his arms to hug him, letting the younger boy press his face against his shoulder just like when they were younger. Jisung instinctually clutches the back of the older boy’s shirt tightly in his hands, drying his tears on the soft material. The I’ve missed you so much’s are left unsaid but clearly felt.

“Jisung-ah, I didn’t tell you to fight back. You don’t need to stoop to their level. I’m angry because you didn’t tell me.” Jaemin caresses Jisung’s head softly. “I get the rare day off to get out of camp and want to surprise you but the first thing I hear is your seatmate running to get help because you’re being bullied in school. I go to your classroom and I see those little fuckers — ah, fuck, let’s not talk about them. All I could think about was how you haven’t said a thing in your letters to me.” Jaemin smacks him lightly on the back. “You write so much in your ugly chicken scratch about what new recipes Mama Park has been experimenting with but couldn’t spare a few words to tell me what’s happening in school?”

Jisung sniffs loudly, looking up with eyes still full of tears threatening to spill and pouts sullenly. “I didn’t want you to be worried. Everybody tells me that military training is really hard, so I didn’t want to make you worry unnecessarily.”

“Jisung-ah,” Jaemin calls out breathily, voice a mix of equal parts endeared and exasperated. “We’re best friends, nothing about you in unnecessary to me.”

Something about Jaemin’s words spark something in Jisung, who frowns immediately and pushes the older boy away. “You still have the cheek to say that. Why did you mislead the boys into thinking that you’re my boyf– that we– uh– um–”

Jisung feels heat creep up from his neck all the way to his face. Jaemin stares at him intently, waiting for him to complete his sentence. Eventually he lets out a harried squeak, “Whydidyousayyou’remyboyfriend.”

“Hmm? When did I say— Oh, when he asked if you’re my little boyfriend?” Jaemin asks teasingly, voice full of mirth as he wriggles his brows.

Jisung literally chokes as the air he inhales goes down the wrong pipe. How the hell does Jaemin say such things so easily?

“Eyy, seriously,” Jaemin whines with a sulk as he pats Jisung’s back to help soothe his gasping. “What’s wrong with being called my little boyfriend? You’ve called yourself my wife at a younger age, remember?”

Jisung chokes even harder, face turning red, gripping the front of Jaemin’s shirt as he tries desperately to calm his erratically beating heart by pounding on his own chest with a clenched fist.

“Hey,” Jaemin starts again anyway, pats slowing down. “Didn’t we also sign a marriage pact of some sorts? We’re supposed to get married if we’re still single by the time you’re thirty!” He breaks out into a grin while Jisung thinks it’s the perfect time to give up on breathing.

“How long are you out of camp for?” Jisung asks, changing the topic. Jaemin notices and laughs.

“Oho, so we’re not going to talk about how you said you would marry me— Ah! It hurts! Stop hitting me! You’re going to break my arm!” Jaemin is interrupted by embarrassed fists hitting his arm and whines to please just shut up already. He puts up a half-hearted defense, dramatically pretending he’s in pain, but his laughter clearly gives away just how much he is enjoying teasing the younger boy.

“Just go back already! You’re so annoying,” Jisung complains, though he doesn’t mean a single word.

“You little… What kind of best friend are you? People cry when they have to send their loved ones back to camp! And here you are telling me to go back so cold-heartedly? Fat chance, you’re not getting rid of me,” Jaemin huffs indignantly, wrapping his arms around Jisung both to stop him from hitting him and in affection. He sighs happily and even leans down to nuzzle the boy’s head for good measure. “I got the whole weekend out, so you know what it means!”

“What. What does that mean? I don’t know what you mean.”

“Jisung-ah, I’ve only been gone for a short while and you’ve already forgotten our tradition?” Jaemin pouts, tone laced with mock sadness. “What happened to the five-year-old boy who said he’d mar—”

“Okay! Okay! Stop bringing it up! Let me go so I can do my homework. You choose the movies,” Jisung gives in, face growing incredibly hot. He really wants to get out of the hug; he’s not sure he’ll want to let go if Jaemin continues to hold him like that any more. Jaemin grins, thrilled to have gotten his way. He messes up Jisung’s hair playfully before he heads towards the balcony out of pure habit. “Hurry up with your homework!”

“Go back to your house through the door, idiot.” Jisung pulls him back before pushing him in the direction of his room door.

Jaemin pinches his cheeks in retaliation. “Who are you calling an idiot, huh? Jisung-ie thinks he’s all grown up and can call hyung names already, is it? Learn some respect, little brat.” He pats Jisung’s cheeks lightly and gives him a small kiss on the forehead before darting out of his room. “See you later! Don’t miss me too much in the meantime!” he shouts, sending a flying kiss in the younger’s direction because he’s shameless like that.

Jisung slams his door shut and sits down against it, swallowing and taking deep breaths. Yet, nothing helps to quell the thundering of his heart against his ribcage, threatening to escape and tell everything to the boy he holds more affection for than he ever realises.

When Jaemin returns back to camp and Jisung returns to school, rumours run amok about their supposed relationship. Even when his seatmate gets curious and asks him about it, Jisung shrugs it off and changes the topic. He doesn’t know how to answer, because the truth is that he wishes he was Jaemin’s boyfriend, but he isn’t, and he doesn’t know what Jaemin’s purpose was in admitting to it. Eventually, his schoolmates forget the gossip about his relationship status and find something else to chatter about.

Initially, Jisung still wondered why he didn’t press on harder when Jaemin didn’t outright answer why he said they were boyfriends. Ultimately, he decides that he doesn’t know if he wants to hear Jaemin’s answer at all. He wills himself to forget about it after that. He has classes he needs to work harder on, the national exams to sit for, and the physical examination before enlistment to prepare for. Two years without Jaemin’s constant presence goes by, and his own two years in the military is spent avoiding Jaemin as much as he can in hopes of forgetting his feelings because he knows Jaemin doesn’t feel the same. He realises too late that he has fallen, having walked all the way off a cliff edge, plunging right into the ocean with no help in sight.

——————————

The first time they meet again after Jisung’s enlistment is completed, Jaemin barely hesitates to throw whatever he has in his hands and tackle the younger in a bear hug. Jisung thanks the military program for the two hard years of training because he can actually support Jaemin’s entire weight on him.

“Jisung-ah! I’ve missed you,” Jaemin yells, tucking his head into Jisung’s neck. It’s such a familiar and comforting touch, it almost feels like they never separated over the years. Jisung returns the hug. “Me too, I’ve missed you too, hyung.”

Honestly, Jisung had been worried they would be awkward, but he learns that Jaemin, for one, is an enigma that is full of surprises, and two, Jaemin will never let them become awkward. That’s just how things work between them, and how he ends up moving in with Jaemin for university once his own enlistment ends at the older’s insistence, despite the barely intermittent contact they’ve had throughout the four year period of both their enlistments.

(“Of course you’re moving in with me!” Jaemin had hollered through Mama Park’s phone. She called him when Jisung was going through accommodation options near school and told her to stop joking around when she asked if he wasn’t going to stay with the older boy.

“But—”

“No buts! Seriously, Park Jisung, think about it. Doesn’t it sound completely stupid that you live anywhere else but with me when you’re going to the same university as me? And for what did I choose a two bedroom apartment for in the first place if you’re not going to move in with me!”

Jisung frowned with a slight pout, then realised he had to make an actual verbal response because Jaemin couldn’t see him. “Hyung what if I didn’t go to the same university as you? How would you have known?”

“Are you saying it’s my fault now? That I have an extra room?” Jaemin asked, tone softer, attempting to guilt-trip the younger, even if his response made no sense.

It worked, because Jisung immediately chimed no no no, and hurried to agree move in with him. He could practically hear the smile in Jaemin’s voice when the older boy replied, “That’s more like it. And don’t say stupid things like not coming to the same university as me. Where else would you even go? We’re best friends and best friends stick together forever.”

Jisung gulped, opting not to reply. It’s true; it’s not as if he had any plans to go to any other university. Despite his initial denial, he unwittingly finds his life only able to revolve around Jaemin, Jaemin, Jaemin. It also feels all sorts of strange that Jaemin still referred to him as his best friend as well, considering the fact he had been playing a one-sided game of hide-and-seek with Jaemin on the pretext of being off the grid during enlistment.)

In his defense, Jisung didn’t mean to distance himself. It took a while, but he eventually came to the terms that the feelings he has for Jaemin exceeds that of those between friends, even best friends who have known each other practically all their lives. But he knows Jaemin doesn’t feel the same, what with the relationships he’s had scattered throughout the years.

Even right now, as he’s moving into what’s supposed to be their shared apartment, there’s a third presence in the house besides the two of them. He coughs to get their attention and the disruption of their little moment has Jaemin letting go of Jisung and dropping his feet back onto the ground with a sheepish smile. The guy then introduces himself as Minhyung, Jaemin’s boyfriend of almost two years, also in the same university, going to be in his final year in the coming semester. Jisung’s a little taken aback because Jaemin never mentioned Minhyung in his letters to him. Come to think of it, Jaemin has never openly told him once about his relationships. Jisung has almost always heard of them from someone else. But to be fair, this time, it’s also his own fault since he’s been as aloof as he can with his correspondences with Jaemin. Their conversations are about the most mundane of things, like what food they had for lunch, how the weather wasn’t good lately, which idol groups are popular these days. The thing about hiding his growing feelings for the older boy is that he gets overly paranoid one wrong move would ruin the entire friendship and he decides it’s better to err on the side of caution, omitting far more than just his romantic feelings in their friendship.

They finish moving Jisung’s things to his room by the end of the day and he watches in mild distaste as Jaemin walks Minhyung out to their doorstep. To spare himself from both the eyesore and heartache, Jisung slips away to hide in the bathroom.

“Sorry I can’t go out with you tomorrow,” Jaemin apologises with coquettish blinks and a wide grin.

Minhyung laughs softly at that, reaching out to pinch the bridge of Jaemin’s nose. “You’re not sorry at all. Look at how happy and excited you are. Any more than this and I think I should be getting jealous.”

Jaemin jokingly delivers a light smack to his shoulder but leans in to give him a kiss on the cheek to assure him. “I’ve known Jisung for practically all my life. You’re going to have to work very hard to overtake him,” Jaemin teases.

Minhyung pretends to sigh. “How am I supposed to when you even cancelled our date to stay in with him?”

“Hyunggg,” Jaemin whines, but he knows Minhyung is just playing along with his teasing. He gives his boyfriend a longer goodbye kiss than usual in apology anyway.

Jisung takes a longer shower than usual, letting the warm water soothe the lethargy of moving in and also to avoid any potentially awkward situation where Jaemin and boyfriend may have started making out at their front door. He stares at his reflection and watches water drip from his hair for a good while before he trudges out of the bathroom. His hand stops in mid-movement while toweling dry his hair when he sees Jaemin standing in the living area with his hands on his hips, looking like he’s been waiting for him. Jaemin is also in an adult version of the obnoxious Ryan-printed pyjamas he had when they were younger, completely unabashed, judging by the giant grin he has on his face.

“What,” Jisung asks cautiously. He recognises the smile on Jaemin’s face, and it has never meant anything good.

“Don’t what me, Park Jisung,” Jaemin clicks his tongue in mock annoyance, throwing a set of clothes at Jisung. “Look at your basic ass shirt and boring pants… Change them.”

The younger boy barely catches the bundle thrown at him. His eyes widen in shock when he realises what they are: a set of dark blue, Avengers-patterned pyjama long sleeve button down and pants, sort of matching Jaemin’s own.

“They’re not from Mama Na, by the way, she refused to buy them for me because I’m apparently not at the age to wear them anymore,” Jaemin huffily explains. “But let’s be real, if they’re not meant for adults, why do people make them in adult sizes, right?”

Jisung stares, still dumbfounded.

“And because I bought them, you’re going to wear it, understood?” Jaemin phrases it as a question but it really sounds more like a threat, even if he’s smiling. Jisung swallows nervously as Jaemin takes the towel from his hands and rubs it on his head to help him dry his hair. It’s undeniable that the years apart has resulted in some differences in their relationship. Case in point, Jisung is the one looking down at the other boy now, not Jaemin, who points out just as much. “Did you eat the same things as I did in the military? You grew so much taller.”

Jisung grins mischievously, and in a moment of bravery, he presses the flat of his palm on the top of Jaemin’s head, rubbing affectionately like the older boy always would to him when they were younger. “I did, didn’t I?”

“Oho, someone’s learned how to be cheeky huh? I’m still the hyung, don’t forget.” Jaemin tugs him closer by the waist to give him a smack on his butt. “Right now, your hyung orders you to go change so we can start our movie marathon for the next two days.” Jaemin spins him around and pushes him back into the bathroom. “Don’t come out if you’re not wearing it!”

Jisung can’t help the smile as he stares at his hand, going into a happy daze. He lets himself forget that Jaemin is technically not his boyfriend as he changes into the matching pyjamas. He lets himself pretend that it’s completely normal for two best friends, one of whom has a boyfriend that’s not the other, to be cuddling up under one blanket to marathon half of the Marvel series. He lets himself be deluded into thinking that perhaps him and Jaemin have always been more than just best friends as he snuggles into his comfy spot with his face in the crook of Jaemin’s neck, drifting to a peaceful sleep.

But he has no choice but to wake up from the fantasy when university life begins for him and Minhyung’s presence next to Jaemin becomes a common sight around their apartment, a constant reminder that Jaemin is not for him to call his.

————————————————————

Chenle sips his drink slowly, eyes blown wide, making no effort to hide the fact that he’s enjoying the not-so-brief rundown Jisung gives of his relationship with his childhood best friend like a forty-year-old housewife who just binged watched all sixteen episodes of a teenage romance drama. His lips are curled up into an amused cat-like smile which makes Jisung squirm in his chair across the table. The ensuing silence as Chenle ponders over the whole story makes Jisung more determined than ever to dig a hole through Youngho’s cafe floor to hide and never resurface. He’s not sure why he’s letting someone he’s known for a total for three months through a compulsory elective class he didn’t want to take know his life story. But this is Chenle who waltzes into every place like he owns the establishment, armed with years of trashy Korean drama watching experience and correctly deduced the first time he saw Jaemin and Jisung interact that Jisung has a life-threatening crush on Jaemin. Or more accurately, he commented they were cute and asked if they were together, and a flustered and stammering Jisung gave away everything, much like now. If anybody asks, it’s because Chenle is a perceptive little shit, and has looks so innocent and angel-like that anyone would be scammed into telling him their life’s most embarrassing moments just for his entertainment.

“Are they both at your apartment now? Your Jaemin hyung and his boyfriend?” Chenle asks.

“What? Uh, yeah? Why?”

“So that’s why you always say no when I ask if we can work on the project at your place instead of always hanging out at a cafe… Our group project meetings are just an excuse for you to escape from being a sad and unwilling third wheel,” Chenle quips after a moment long enough for Jisung to wonder if it’d be too expensive to hire somebody to take him out. Be it the kind where he gets sniped this instant or the kind where he is asked out on a nice date that helps him forget Jaemin, both are fine.

“That’s the only thing you came up with after I said so much?” Jisung presses the heels of his palms over his eyes as he lets out an exasperated groan.

“Well, yeah! It’s super evident that our supposed group project meeting was just a cover for you to get out of your apartment and not watch your Jaemin hyung be affectionate with his boyfriend.” Chenle points at the lines of garbled letters that are definitely not work on Jisung’s laptop screen to make his point even more evident. Jisung juts out his bottom lip sulkily.

“Wanna know something worse? Jaemin hyung said, ‘Oh you’re heading out with Chenle for your group project again? Have fun on your date with your boyfriend’ smirkily while I was leaving. I tried to say something, but nothing came out, so I just left and slammed the door.” Jisung makes a pained smile. Chenle slurps down the rest of his drink noisily.

“So now I’m like your beard or something? Is that the idea we’re going for?”

“What the fuck are you talking about.”

“You know, like a fake significant other of the opposite gender to pretend you’re not gay. Oh but wait, you are gay, so how does that work— Would that make Jaemin hyung jealous and notice you?”

“No. First of all, stop watching your trashy Korean dramas. Secondly, the definition of a beard does not apply to this situation at all. Thirdly, your understanding of the situation makes me seriously doubt your comprehension of the Korean language. Fourthly, stop watching your trashy Korean dramas. Lastly, still, stop watching your trashy Korean dramas, it’s evidently done nothing to help with your understanding of Korean nor relationships. My insignificant love life is not a romantic comedy because there is no romance, only comedy where my life is a joke.” Jisung slumps over again in his seat, hiding his face in the crook of his arm.

Chenle sighs. “Jisung-ah.”

Jisung looks up, eyes slightly wet. “He always calls me like that.”

“That’s literally your name?” Chenle rolls his eyes in disbelief.

“No, I mean, he almost never calls me just by my name. He adds a suffix to it and says it with– he says it– like– I don’t know! Even the way he refers to me just makes me feel things, okay?”

Jisung burrows his face back into his arm. Chenle pats his head sympathetically this time. “You poor little love struck baby.”

——————————

Jisung winces as the spoon knocks into unwashed dishes in the sink and clatters loudly all the way to the bottom. It’s the middle of the night, and he doesn’t want to be in the kitchen unless absolutely necessary even in the day, but in his long story telling session with Chenle, general feelings of depression in the aftermath and then actually doing some work, he had forgotten to get dinner and he’s way too hungry to fall asleep. The spoon, on the other hand, was supposed to be in his hand, but he had startled himself by brushing his arm against a dish towel he had haphazardly thrown next to the stoves, flinging the metal utensil away in fright. He freezes and desperately hopes he won’t hear the telltale footsteps of Jaemin waking up at this ungodly hour and witness his utter lack of aptitude in the kitchen. The tippety-taps of Jaemin’s slippers travel down the corridor anyway, and he shrinks in on himself, as if that would hide his tall presence in front of the stoves.

“Jisung-ie? What are you doing?”

“Hyung,” he turns and greets sheepishly. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you. ‘Was hungry so I’m making ramyeon. You want some?”

Jaemin steps closer to the boiling noodles and shakes his head. “Don’t worry about it. I’m not hungry.” He picks up the chopsticks Jisung left lying next to them and takes over cooking. The younger boy watches silently in guilt as Jaemin buzzes about the kitchen with ease, unlike his clumsy self. A piping hot pot of ramyeon cooked to perfection in Jisung’s books is set on the table and Jaemin hands him the chopsticks, nudging him to eat.

“Didn’t you eat when you were out just now?” he asks, pulling out the chair across from Jisung and sitting down.

“Forgot to, was busy with the group project.”

Jaemin lets out a short laugh. “Really? For how long are you going to say that for?”

Jisung stops mid-chew to look up in a slight frown. “We were legitly doing work. And I don’t like Chenle like that.”

Jaemin raises a brow at him, unconvinced.

“I— I have somebody else I like, it’s really not like that with Chenle!” Jisung splutters. Never let any of his enemies know how loose his tongue is when hungry and confronted by Jaemin. Mostly when confronted by Jaemin.

“Who, then? Someone else in your classes?”

“‘Am not gonna tell you,” Jisung replies quickly and stuffs his face with noodles so he has an excuse not to speak.

“Oh come on, tell me!” Jaemin pouts. There are few things in the world Jisung is weak for, and this is one of them. To be fair, Jaemin in entirety is his weakness. He thinks Jaemin probably knows, because he uses it to his advantage a lot, especially if you look at the questionable things Jaemin has convinced Jisung to do throughout their years of knowing each other. But Jaemin is also someone he doesn’t want to lose in his life, so he finds the strength to look away and refuse.

“Doesn’t matter, nothing will come out of it, that person has someone else already and will never look my way.” Jisung speaks so solemnly, all hints of mischief and want to cajole answers out of him is wiped from Jaemin’s face. He doesn’t know what to say. Is he supposed to console Jisung? Make a joke out of the situation? Encourage Jisung to give it a go anyway? While he’s pondering, Jisung occasionally sneaks glances at him mid-chew. The food is finished quietly eventually, and out of guilt for waking Jaemin and making things awkward, Jisung washes the dishes, even the ones left in the sink from before he wreaked havoc in the kitchen.

“Going to sleep now?” Jaemin asks softly, finally finding his voice.

Jisung shakes his head and pats his satisfied stomach. “Gonna do some work while the food digests.”

Jaemin smiles and reaches out to pinch his cheeks. “Cute. Okay, I’ll accompany you.”

Jisung wants to ask, you’re not going back to sleep? Or even for what are you staying up for? But he bites back his words and nods, letting Jaemin pull out his laptop to watch a series on Netflix beside him while he works on an assignment.

After a while, Jaemin looks tired and on the verge of nodding off, but Jisung lets himself be selfish and not tell him go back to his room. He watches as Jaemin eventually folds his arms on the table and hunches over, closing his eyes, falling asleep. Jisung inhales slowly as he lets his fingertips brush against Jaemin’s cheek, gazing in awe as Jaemin’s eyelashes flutter slightly with each breath. The next inhale comes a little sharper, and he wills himself to blink away the tears welling up in his eyes and ignore the twinge in his chest, returning to his laptop to finish up his work. When he’s done, he lifts Jaemin up carefully in his arms to bring him back to his room. During the slow, careful walk to his room, Jaemin lets out a small noise of surprise at being moved, making the younger still mid-step. Jisung doesn’t know if he wants Jaemin to suddenly wake up at the very moment and find himself in his arms or not. Jaemin’s eyes remain shut as he simply wriggles to rest his head on Jisung’s shoulder, and loop his arms around Jisung’s neck more firmly, completely relaxing once he finds his comfy spot. Jisung feels disappointed, but also relieved because he wouldn’t know how to explain why he was carrying Jaemin like he was the most precious being on earth to him. Once Jisung deposits Jaemin into his own bed and pulls the covers over him, he presses a kiss to Jaemin’s forehead and sighs.

“You’re really going to be the death of me.”

————————

Despite being half-asleep, Jaemin is pretty sure it was a Thursday yesterday since he spent the evening trying to teach Minhyung cook. That means it’s Friday now, and he has no classes on Friday — it’s the perfect day to be sleeping in and kick starting his weekend. Yet, his phone is ringing incessantly, whoever it is on the other side of the call refusing to let him continue snoozing in peace. Eyes still closed, he gropes around the bedside table for his phone and picks up the call without checking who’s the caller. In fact, he has a good mind to give a good telling off to whoever disrupted his sleep, even if it were the President of South Korea.

“Hello?” he mumbles gruffly, tone slightly annoyed, still feeling sleep deprived. He’s not sure for how long he has slept, but is sure he still wants to sleep for a longer time. The person on the other side lets out a soft sigh and chuckle. “You’re late, baby. Where are you now?”

Jaemin brings the phone to his face and squints to get his vision focus and make out the caller ID. He sits up in shock when he realises it’s Minhyung, and he has forgotten that he was supposed to meet Minhyung — there’s a notification on the top of the screen to remind him it’s their anniversary, which makes him feel ten times worse.

“Hyung!” Jaemin half-shouts, but doesn’t know what to say next. He checks the time on his phone and mentally beats himself up. It’s fifteen minutes past noon, which also means it’s fifteen minutes past the reservation Minhyung had made at one of their favourite restaurants and reminded him several times across the week, and even yesterday night, not to forget. Even if he ran out this instant, it would still take him half an hour to get to the place. “Hyung, I— Hyung…”

“Did you... forget?” Minhyung’s voice comes slowly. Jaemin doesn’t need to see his boyfriend’s face to know he’s disappointed.

“I’m sorry, hyung…”

He hears Minhyung conversing with someone briefly.

“Well, the reservation’s been cancelled, and I have classes later and then a meeting with my professor till late today...”

Jaemin can hear Minhyung walking out of the restaurant into bustling streets in the background over the phone and chews on his bottom lip in guilt. “I’m really sorry hyung… I didn’t mean to forget. I stayed up really late last night accompanying Jisung and forgot to set my alarms.”

“You stayed up with Jisung?”

“Yeah he was too busy with his projects and forgot to eat dinner so I made him food in the middle of the night, then he said he couldn’t sleep immediately after eating so we stayed up. I mean, he was going to continue his work and it didn’t feel right to leave him alone…”

Minhyung stays silent for a long while and if not for the sound of traffic, Jaemin would have thought he hung up. “But it’s all on me! It’s my fault! Nothing to do with Jisung. I’m really sorry hyung,” Jaemin hurries to add on. “I’ll make it up to you!”

“Okay,” Minhyung finally says. “Okay. But weekends are out as usual for you, aren’t they?”

Jaemin mumbles distractedly as he checks his calendar for the week, “Yeah…” Minhyung audibly swallows over the phone.

“Monday? How about Monday? Our classes end around the same time, we can meet then!” Jaemin offers.

“Monday it is, then.”

Jaemin nods vigorously even though Minhyung can’t see him. “Yeah! Okay, I’ll see you then?”

“See you, Jaemin.”

Minhyung hangs up and Jaemin flops back onto his bed, sighing deeply. All want to sleep is gone and he’s not sure what to do now. His stomach growls and he sits up again. Okay, food first, think later. He wonders if Jisung is up, and if he isn’t, if he could pester the younger into grabbing a late brunch with him.

The apartment is empty, however, with a post-it stuck to their fridge scribbled in Jisung’s chicken scratch “Hyung I’m going out to finish my project with Chenle. We’re really just doing work. Hope it’s the last time I have to say that so you stop giving me stupid smirks. ㄱ_ㄱ”

Jaemin chuckles as he takes a photo of it, sends it to Jisung and tacks on a message. “Got it. See you later!! Don’t be late for our weekend shows marathon! (´ •ω• )♡”

——————————

As promised, Jaemin meets Minhyung after his classes on Monday. They are hand in hand in a grocery mart, pushing a shopping cart along as Jaemin picks out the things he needs to make for dinner back at the apartment later. Their linked hands swing slightly with each step as they converse about their day. Jaemin even takes time to explain to Minhyung which brands of food are better and why.

“But when it comes to ready made kimchi, even though a lot of people prefer bigger brands, I always get this one. I’m just really used to the taste I think? My mom bought it once and Jisung tried it and said he liked it better, and ever since then both of our families always just got this,” Jaemin explains with a chuckle as he places the tub into the cart. Minhyung nods along with a smile.

Down the noodle aisle, Jaemin suddenly lets go of Minhyung’s hand and rushes forward. Minhyung watches as Jaemin picks out a package of ramyeon and looks back excitedly. “They restocked it, finally! This one is really good, but also super popular and sells out suuuper fast. It’s so good, Jisung once ate nothing but this for three weeks straight. He only stopped when I told him his hair is going to all fall out if he continues to eat so much sodium.” Jaemin giggles at the thought of Jisung’s shocked and miserable face. He takes another pack and puts both of them into the cart.

Minhyung can’t help but mirror the small smile seeing the bright one on Jaemin’s face. “Do we have everything we need?” he asks, helping Jaemin push the cart, also to keep his suddenly empty hands occupied. Jaemin pulls out his phone to check his shopping list, checking them off item by item. “Ah! One last thing, let me go grab some chips. I need to replace the ones I stole from Jisung’s stash yesterday before he finds out. You go ahead and queue first! Meet you at the counters.” Jaemin dashes off quickly, leaving no room for negotiation.

Minhyung pulls up in the lobby of Jaemin’s apartment and turns to take a good look at the boy beside him.

“Why are you stopping here, hyung?” Jaemin asks, puzzled. “My apartment’s car park is over there.”

“Jaemin,” Minhyung lets out breathily. He musters a smile, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. “I think we should stop seeing each other.”

“Huh? Why? Is it because I forgot our anniversary date? I really didn’t mean to, and that’s why we’re here to—”

“Jaemin, listen,” Minhyung interrupts. “You’re obviously not in love with me. We shouldn’t stay together if that’s the case.”

“What are you saying? How can I not be in love with you? You– You’re the longest boyf– We’ve been together for so long!”

Minhyung raises a brow at the unsaid words. “I think— We can’t go on like that. I mean, if it’s only because we’ve been together for a long time and it’s comfortable, and not because we both actually like each other… We shouldn’t continue this relationship; it’s not a relationship, Jaemin.”

Jaemin reaches over to take Minhyung’s hand into his own. “Can we please think this through more? Let’s talk about it, hmm? Tell me, let me know what did I do to make you think that way, where did I go wrong?”

Minhyung sighs, placing his other hand on top of Jaemin’s. “It’s not all on you, okay? I think maybe… Maybe both of us shouldn’t have started a relationship in the first place. I don’t think I can ever be the most important person in your life. Someone else already has that position, and it… It just shows. You prioritise that person above everyone and everything else in your life.”

“What do you mean?” Jaemin asks, more confused than ever. Minhyung looks away. “You’re not the oblivious type of person, Jaemin. Just think about it.”

Jaemin stills, tries to calm down and thinks, like Minhyung asks him to. A hundred and one thoughts go through in his mind, nothing sticks and he feels so lost— What is he supposed to be thinking of? Why do relationships have to be this complicated? Who exactly is Minhyung talking about? If there’s anybody he thinks is important, it’s Jisung, who he suddenly wishes was here, for him to curl up against and whine about how romance is dead because relationships never work out for him.

Jisung.

Jisung.

“Yeah,” Minhyung whispers hoarsely, and Jaemin realises he had murmured Jisung’s name aloud.

Jisung, who’s pretty much been a part of Jaemin’s entire life. The little boy who used to be small enough to fit into his arms and hide behind him, promising to marry him when they were older. The teenage boy who always has way too many thoughts running through his mind he frets about, unwilling to share them even when probed because he doesn’t want to worry others unnecessarily. The young adult who is still cute and endearingly awkward at times, but is now tall enough to be the one enveloping him in their hugs now, making him feel safe and protected, so much so he is Jaemin’s first thought when feeling lost and in need of comfort. It feels like a load has been lifted off his shoulders as Jaemin comes to the realisation.

“You weren’t kidding when you said I’d have to work very hard to overtake him in your life,” Minhyung half-jokes with a tired sigh.

The guilt comes crashing down in that instant. Tears well up in Jaemin’s eyes but he holds them back, knowing he has no right to be the one crying now. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Hyung, god, I’m really so sorry.” He reaches over to hug Minhyung, who takes the opportunity to quietly wipe at his own eyes and pat at Jaemin’s back amicably. “I’m not going to say it’s okay because I’m not okay right now. But maybe I’ll be after a few drinks.”

Jaemin laughs when Minhyung laughs; what has he done to deserve such a wonderful person in his life? “Hyung, you’re a really great person. I would love to be friends with you in better circumstances. I’m sorry it had to be like this.”

Minhyung straightens up and takes in the view of Jaemin looking down at the car seat, unable to meet his eyes. “Well. I can at least promise not to be awkward when I bump into you. As for friendship… Give me some time, yeah?”

“Okay,” Jaemin agrees. Minhyung smiles and leans over slightly to give Jaemin one last kiss on the cheek.

“Goodbye, and good luck, Jaemin.”

——————————

Jaemin finds a note on the counter waiting for him when he gets back to the apartment.

“Hyung I’m out to celebrate submitting the project and cutting off all ties with Chenle (wish me luck)!! Will be back late, don’t wait up!”

Jaemin chuckles at the note, feeling his heart fill up with warmth. Ah, but Jisung has someone else he likes… he reminds himself. Shrugging it off, he starts making dinner and when he’s done with that and eating, he proceeds to clean up the entire house to stay occupied. It’s almost one a.m. when he finally settles down into the couch, showered and still a little too pumped up with adrenaline for bed. Besides, he really wants to see Jisung, missing him already despite seeing him literally everyday.

As if on cue, the lock on the door beeps and unlocks, and Jisung drags himself in, slightly tipsy.

“Hyung, you’re not asleep yet,” Jisung greets, words a little slurred. He still manages to toe off his sneakers and change into slippers, albeit slowly, having to frown at them for a while to make sure they’re on the right feet. Jaemin watches with an amused grin. “Yeah, can’t sleep yet, for some reason.”

Jisung sidles up to him on the couch. “Why?” He flops into Jaemin’s ready arms and easily rests all his weight on the older boy, shifting a little so the tip of his nose lightly touches Jaemin’s neck.

“Nothing much, just really wanted to see you all of a sudden, so I waited up. Did you drink a lot?”

Jisung lifts his head up to stare into Jaemin’s eyes for a bit before shaking his head. He puts up his hand and pinches his index finger and thumb together so that they are barely touching, but his eyebrows knit together like it’s the most effortful thing ever. “Just a liiiiiittle bit. I made Chenle drink more so that I can yell at him without him fighting back for making me tell him my deep dark secrets just to entertain him.” He bursts into giggles at the thought of it.

Jaemin smiles fondly, gaze saccharinely sweet. “Oh? What deep dark secrets did you tell him?”

Jisung lies down to rest his head on Jaemin’s shoulder, fingers playing with the sleeve of Jaemin’s shirt. He closes his eyes and hums in deep thought. “Like, how I’m really thankful for you in my life. Have I told you that before, hyung?”

Jaemin laughs softly and pulls the unusually clingy boy onto his lap, tracing circles gently on Jisung’s back, similarly closing his eyes, letting himself relax into the hug. Jisung’s breath feels warm and ticklish against his skin, but also strangely comforting. “No, want to tell me more about it?”

Jisung nods against Jaemin’s shoulder. “I don’t know what I would do without you. It’s like... I don’t know what I would be like now, if not for you. You’re like… All of my life. Without you, my life would be… Would be...”

The mischievous side of Jaemin gets the better of him and he jokingly asks, “Hmm. You’d be nothing, maybe?” But Jisung hums in agreement, nodding again. “I think so too. You’re my first friend… And you helped me make my first few friends… You walked me to school everyday... Protected me from bullies… But you’re also really mean though. Mom always tells me you made me cry in the first few minutes we met. You also have zero remorse for confusing me into calling myself your wife, and even made me promise to marry you when we’re older.” Jisung grabs the back of Jaemin’s sleep shirt tightly, bunching up the material in between his fingers.

With his ear pressed to the area just above Jaemin’s chest, his heart starts beating a lot faster and he thinks he might be mistaken, but he can vaguely hear two different hearts beating at almost the same rate, coming into sync. The sound of it is so calming, he shifts to hear it better.

Jaemin bursts out laughing at the thought of the memories. The throbbing Jisung hears is replaced instead by the vibrations of Jaemin’s chest against his cheek. A dull ache rapidly blooms in his own chest because he doesn’t understand what’s funny. He swallows the lump in his throat and pretends to rub at his tired eyes, wiping away the tears before they fall with the back of his hand. He takes in a deep breath and sighs. “Sometimes I think you’re just out to bully me… But I think if it’s you, it’s okay. Plus you’ve done a lot of things for me, too, so it’s okay. I’m okay like this. Us being like this is okay.” The last few words are said aloud more for himself than anything.

“Jisung-ah,” Jaemin murmurs softly, cupping Jisung’s face in his hand, thumb grazing his cheek gently. “I might tease you sometimes, but I would do anything for you, you know that right?”

Jisung blinks slowly, trying to comprehend Jaemin’s words. Does Jaemin mean it as a really good best friend, his best friend he’s known all his life, or something more? He’s tired, so tired. All he wants is to just cling onto Jaemin for as long as possible while he still can. On the last blink, he doesn’t bother opening his eyes and instead wraps his long limbs around the older tighter, snuggling closer, breathing evening out as he settles his head on Jaemin’s shoulder comfortably.

“Hmm? Jisung-ie?” Jaemin prompts him when he gets no response.

The only reply he gets is a light snore. Jaemin lets out a short chortle, patting Jisung’s head with an enamoured gaze, leaving a brief kiss in the spot between his brows.

“You, too, Jisung-ah. Thank you for coming into my life all those years ago.”

Morning comes and Jaemin wakes up first. His vertebrae feels like it has been rearranged from squeezing on the couch with Jisung, who is still clinging onto him like a koala would a tree. Though that probably saved him from falling onto the floor last night. He tries to maneuver around the sleeping boy as quietly and gently as he can, but one light touch to his arm has Jisung groaning in displeasure, refusing to open his eyes nor release Jaemin from his hold. “Just let me sleep, hyung…”

“Jisung-ah, are you an octopus? Thanks to you I now know that our couch is not meant for two people to sleep on. You can continue sleeping more comfortably if you let me get up,” Jaemin chides, patting his back. Jisung rolls over with a whine to let Jaemin stand up, and promptly slips back into slumber. Jaemin ruffles his hair fondly before setting down a glass of water and a painkiller on the coffee table for him.

When Jisung finally decides to wake up, it’s to the smell of waffles. It’s the really good, savoury kind that he likes but Jaemin doesn’t make often, he can tell from the scent alone. He downs the pill with a gulp of water and treks into the kitchen to find Jaemin, who’s mixing shreds of ham and cheese into another batch of batter.

“Smells really good. What’s the occasion?” Jisung asks, stealing a piece of ham. Jaemin slaps his hand away lightly when he tries to take another one. Jisung looks at him with the facial expression of a kicked puppy and Jaemin gives in, feeding him a few more scraps.

“Lowkey needed a pick me up after ending a relationship,” Jaemin hums nonchalantly, turning back to the mixing bowl.

Jisung stares, waits for the punchline, but it doesn’t come. “It’s too early for jokes hyung. So whose relationship did you end? The couple who lives next door?”

Jaemin laughs and shakes his head with a no. “I broke up with Minhyung— or rather, he broke up with me.” Before he can pour more batter onto the waffle iron, Jisung tugs at the sleeve of his shirt, and holds his arms out awkwardly.

“What?” Jaemin tilts his head curiously at the sight in front of him. Jisung takes the mixing bowl out of his hand and steps forward to hug him, pushing Jaemin’s head down to rest on his shoulder. Jaemin relaxes in the hold instinctually, arms coming up to wrap themselves around Jisung’s waist. He sighs happily and closes his eyes.

“Why?”

“What why?”

“Why did he break up with you?”

Jaemin shrugs. “Things just… It just didn’t work out. The problem is kind of me, so, he initiated the break up, I agreed.”

Jisung scrunches his nose with a frown. “Did he say that? That the problem was you?,” Jisung asks, words tinged with displeasure. Jaemin chuckles, “Why? You sound like you’re about to fight him.”

“If he deserves it, I would. No matter what it is, how could anybody say something like that and break up with you? Just that alone already sounds like reason enough to fight him,” Jisung states matter-of-factly. Jaemin laughs and reaches to pinch Jisung’s cheeks. “Awww. You’re the sweetest, Jisung-ah. But really, I’m okay. I think it’s for the better that we ended the relationship. Besides, I still have you, don’t I? You promised to marry me if nobody wants me, no?”

Jisung flushes and ducks his head to pry his cheeks away from Jaemin’s fingers with a whine. He feels his heart beating louder than ever, but it also hurts because he knows Jaemin doesn’t mean what he said. “Don’t say that, you’re an amazing person, a lot of people would want you.”

Jaemin presses on. “But don’t you want me? I can cook, I can clean, I’m any mother-in-law’s wet dream. I don’t even need to charm Mama Park, she already loves me more than she loves you sometimes. I know how to make ramyeon perfectly, and can even make these super good waffles you like — I’m the perfect house husband.” Jisung rolls his eyes. Jaemin wiggles his brows suggestively. “So how about it, we’re both single right now, wanna make do with me?” Jisung scrunches his nose in distaste and shoves Jaemin off him, face feeling hot and ears turning red.

Statistically speaking, it’s been a couple of years since the last dumb thing has Jaemin beguiled him into, and here it is now, right on schedule. Fool him once, into calling himself Jaemin’s wife, shame on Jaemin. Fool him twice, into signing the marriage pact without question, shame on him. Fool him thrice, into not clarifying clearly why Jaemin lied about them being boyfriends, shame on both him and Jaemin. There’s no fooling for the fourth time because he’s not about to become Jaemin’s rebound, as much as he likes him. He’s not the young boy who would follow and accede to Jaemin’s every suggestion any more. And he’s not about to do something stupid to hurt himself and the person he likes most in the world in the long run. It looks like Jaemin is throwing a life buoy to him but he’s afraid it’s an anchor to weigh him down, pull him in further and drown him.

“Leave some waffles for me, I’m going to shower.” Jisung quickly slips away. He doesn’t notice Jaemin’s face falling.

Jaemin hears the bathroom door close and heaves a huge sigh. Never mind, he just has to keep trying.

——————————

Jisung realises something has changed. Jaemin has always been the kind to be physically affectionate, as if he would wilt if he didn’t give out at least one hug a day. Jisung’s honestly not complaining; Jaemin’s hugs are really nice and warm. Having grown up in them, it’s a huge source of comfort and a little reminder of home, especially when he’s tired out from school. But there’s that one incident where Jisung wakes up in the night and accidentally hurts his elbow bumping into his room door, resulting in a bruise. Jaemin wakes up from the noise and then insisted on cuddling him to sleep while gently rubbing his arm. Jisung is not gonna lie, it was a pretty good sleep despite the tight fit of two grown boys in one single bed.

After that, Jaemin takes it up a notch, running his fingertips lightly through Jisung’s hair with the tenderest look in his eyes and leaving kisses on his forehead every morning. It doesn’t matter if Jisung’s midway through breakfast at the counter and he’s on his way out, or Jisung’s waving him goodbye sleepily with a toothbrush in hand; it’s always a touch to his hair or face, sometimes hair and face, then a quick kiss. Jaemin does it even when he’s the one half-awake and Jisung is pulling his shoes on at their door, pulling Jisung down by the neck so he doesn’t have to stand on tiptoes to deliver his goodbye kiss.

Jisung almost thinks that they’re in a relationship and Jaemin has forgotten to let him know, especially when he stays up whenever Jisung does, accompanying him while he does his assignments or prepare for tests when he’s of completely no help and has no actual reason to not go to sleep. He wonders if he should be saying something, but reasons that Jaemin is probably just finding someone to be affectionate with because he’s newly out of a kind of long term relationship, and Jisung, as his childhood best friend and housemate, is just convenient, nothing else. It doesn’t seem like a good idea to bring it up too soon, in case this is just Jaemin’s healing process. Perhaps Jaemin will pretend none of this happened when he gets into a new relationship and thoroughly break his heart once and for all. For now, he pretends things are completely normal between them, and occasionally indulges in the idea that maybe Jaemin could like him back.

So he lets it drag on. He eventually forgets and becomes used to it as finals frenzy hits, and he’s buried in so much books and lecture slides he has barely any time to breathe, much less think about his relationship with Jaemin. He even leans down habitually before leaving for his exams to get a quick kiss on the cheek for good luck.

Jaemin finishes his examinations first, and practically waits on Jisung on hand and foot in his last remaining papers. He marks the day Jisung finishes all his exams and frets. He’s been ramping up the physical affection to hint at how much he likes the younger; he’s just short of making an LED sign that says “I LIKE YOU, PARK JISUNG”, preferably in bold typeface and at least font size one hundred, because Jisung seems to not be getting it at all. He wonders if it’s because they’ve always been physically affectionate anyway, that Jisung doesn’t seem to think anything of all the kisses he’s been showering him in. He also thinks about the person Jisung confesses to liking and sighs. He doesn’t even know who is it, how is he going to compete? After a while, he gives himself a mental pat on the back. It’s okay, he just has to try harder.

After writing his final exam, Jisung returns to their apartment and is mildly confused by the reconfiguration of furniture in their living room. Jaemin has pushed their coffee table aside and the couch all the way back to make enough space to put all their blankets and pillows on the floor. There’s a device connected to his laptop, projecting the Netflix home page onto the wall.

“You’re back! Congratulations on surviving your first semester of university, Jisung-ah!” Jaemin is dressed in his stupid looking Ryan-printed pyjamas again as he tackles him in a hug and gives him a kiss on the cheek.

“Here.” Jaemin stashes a towel and the horrible, terrible Avengers-printed pyjamas into his arms. “Go shower and get changed, and be ready to bundle up in The Blanket Fort. I’m ordering chicken and pizza right now.” Jaemin sits on the couch and taps at his phone quickly, then looks up again. He tugs at the hem of Jisung’s shirt when he sees him not moving an inch from his spot. “Why are you still standing around? Oh, and by the way, Mama Na and Mama Park both asked when we’re going back to visit, I lied and said your exams only end next week so you can catch up on all your lost sleep. Or if you don’t wanna, we can just spend time together and binge watch all of Marvel.” Jaemin grins at him brightly, eyes shining with so much fondness and excitement, they look like they hold the entire universe’s stars.

And Jisung decides he can’t handle it anymore. The pangs in his chest hurt so much at the thought that this isn’t going to be permanent, and Jaemin will look at someone else like this. He starts crying, tears running down his cheeks, the clothes in his arms dropping onto the floor as he hastily tries to wipe his tears away. Jaemin throws his phone aside and immediately pulls Jisung into his lap. “Jisung-ah, what’s wrong? Was the paper hard? It’s okay, it’ll be fine, it’s just one exam! If you find it hard, others will find it hard too.”

Jisung presses his face onto Jaemin’s shoulder, arms winding tightly around his waist. “Hyung, I can’t do this anymore. I really can’t.”

“University is hard like that, it’s okay, everything will be okay.” Jaemin consoles him, patting his back to soothe the sobbing boy.

“No… Hyung. You’re making it so difficult for me. You keep doing all these things, making me think there’s something more between us when you don’t like me.”

Jaemin frowns and pulls away just enough to look into Jisung’s eyes. “Jisung-ah, what are you talking about, of course I like you!”

Jisung shakes his head no. He looks away and swallows. “Hyung… You don’t get it.” He chews on his lips and musters the courage to turn back and look into Jaemin’s eyes. He squeezes the next few words out in a croaked whimper, “I love you.”

More tears fall, and Jisung feels so much pain in his chest, it feels like his heart is giving up. “I love you, hyung, I have loved you for a long time. Even if you don’t feel the same for me, I still love you. I knew I was a goner when you asked me what’s wrong with being called your little boyfriend back in high school. A-and you’re right, there’s nothing wrong with that; I... I want to be that.” Jisung inhales shakily and it feels like even the oxygen he's inhaling is out to burn at his lungs. “I thought, maybe, if I distanced myself from you during enlistment, I could forget you, but I couldn’t. You really— you just have a way with my heart, you know? One phone call from you and hearing you call my name the way you do and I regret everything, pack my bags, move in with you. But you— I know—” he chokes up a little, drying his tears with the crook of his arm.

“Jisung—” Jaemin interrupts, but Jisung squeezes his hand and shakes his head, stopping him. There’s a pained expression in his eyes, but he wants to finish what he has to say. “I know that you don’t like me the same way. You’ve had so many people in your life that are not me but I… I only have you, hyung.”

Jaemin feels his heart beating harder than ever, hears the thrum of his accelerating heartbeat pounding in his ears, because the boy he loves most loves him back. There’s no competition in the first place; it was just him all along. But it also hurts, so bad and so hard, like it’s caving in on itself, because he’s unwittingly broken the heart of the very boy he’s supposed to love and protect.

“All these while… I just kept holding out quietly, kept thinking I had a little bit of chance every single time you talk about how I said I wanted to marry you, how we signed a marriage pact... When you were in a relationship I had so many terrible thoughts hoping you would break up and then stay single until I was thirty, and maybe, just maybe, we would get married and have our happily ever after. Even if I’m not your first choice… Even if I’m just your back-up plan… Even so, it’s okay. As long as I get to stay by your side, I can spend the rest of my lifetime working on changing that. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I know you’re going to hate me after this and we can’t even be friends anymore because I’m so stupid— I’m so sorry, that I’m not supposed to, that I’m ruining everything, but I can’t help it, hyung, I love you.”

Eyes still shining with tears and straining a smile, he takes Jaemin’s hand into his, other hand tracing the lines on Jaemin’s palm lightly. “I’ve always been envious of your boyfriends, always wondered how nice it would be to be able to hold your hand like this. Minus all these tears, of course.” He forces a dejected laugh and pulls his hands away. “I honestly don’t think I can ever forget you, but I’ll leave and try my best.”

“What?” Jaemin voice cracks, and he grabs hold of Jisung’s hand. “What do you mean, where are you going?”

Jisung moves to get up as he speaks. “I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable with me around your place. J-just give me some time to pack, I promise I’ll move out as fast as I ca—”

“No, no, Jisung, no,” Jaemin begs, pulling him back into his lap, encircling his arms around his waist tightly. He feels Jisung tense up in his embrace, and his heart absolutely breaks. No— it’s not supposed to be like that. Panicking, he holds Jisung closer, pulls him in even more and presses Jisung’s head to rest on his shoulder. “Listen to me, hmm? Listen to me first, please, Jisung, please.”

Jisung nods, not trusting his voice. He closes his eyes, hands gripping Jaemin’s shirt tightly, pretending it’s just one of their usual hugs. He tries to breathe slowly, feeling the soft material of Jaemin’s shirt against his cheek, but it hurts just thinking about how warm Jaemin’s hugs always are, that he automatically feels safe in Jaemin’s arms, that this time after he lets go, he won’t know when he can ever rest so comfortably on Jaemin’s shoulder again.

“Jisung-ie, my Jisung-ie,” Jaemin mumbles, rocking the boy in his arms gently. How did everything go so wrong? Tears stream down his face as he struggles to form his words. “You’re not moving anywhere, because this is your home as much as it’s mine. If you’re gone, it’s not my home anymore either. I will never, not in this life, not in my next, not in my next ten lives, ever, will I hate you. You’re my best friend, and you’ll always be, understood? So please don’t ever say you’ll walk out on me, please don’t give up on me like that, please, hmm? I’m the stupid one, I’m late, I’m really late, all these while I thought you could only be my best friend, but I know now, and I need you to know too—” Jaemin takes a deep breath through the tears.

“Park Jisung, I love you.”

The fingers clutching at his shirt loosen their grip in surprise, and he looks down to meet Jisung’s wide eyes. “Hyung—”

“Shhhh, listen to me, hmm?” Jaemin buries his nose into Jisung’s hair, closes his eyes and presses a kiss his temple. “I love you, I love you, I love you so much. I love you, and I mean it every bit the same way you do. I love you, have for a long time, too, but was too stupid to figure it out. I love you, and if you don’t believe me I’m going to say it to you everyday until you do.”

More tears fall as Jisung squeezes his eyes shut and leans completely onto Jaemin, hands fisting his shirt more tightly than ever. Everything feels unreal and he’s scared once he lets go, he’s going to abruptly wake up and find out it’s all just a dream.

Jaemin strokes the back of his head with the gentlest of touches. “It’s not a dream, baby. I love you, I really do.” He wipes at his own tears; god, just how horrible has he been that Jisung doesn’t believe this is real? That he loves him the same way Jisung loves him? He inhales deeply again, to calm himself down, before continuing. “I’m sorry, baby, I’m so sorry. You did nothing wrong loving me, it’s me— I should be the one apologising. I’m sorry I made you stay by my side like that, just waiting for me to come around. I’m sorry I let you see me get into all those relationships when all I wanted in my life was you, only you. I’m sorry I made you my back-up plan and asked you to sign the marriage pact when you should have been my main goal right from the start.” A small, sad smile makes its way onto his face. “Most of all, I’m sorry because I should have realised and told you earlier just how much I love you. You don’t have to work for anything, you’re my best friend, you’re the person I love most, and you’re always going to be my first choice. I’m sorry, baby, I’m so sorry that I hurt you when I should be loving you.”

Jisung sobs even harder, pressing his entire self closer to Jaemin, shaking his head, blubbering through the tears,“It’s okay, hyung. It’s okay. I told you before, if it’s you, it’s okay.” Everything is forgiven, all is forgiven. As long as it’s Jaemin, there’s nothing not to be forgiven.

Jaemin inhales sharply to clear his sinuses and wipe away his tears. Gently, he lifts Jisung’s head from his shoulder and caresses the side of his face. He thinks about the countless times he’s made Jisung cry, from their first meeting, all the times in between that he knows of, the possible times Jisung has hidden away to cry by himself, and even right now. “I’m terrible, aren’t I? I seem to always make you cry,” Jaemin whispers wistfully. Jisung protests by shaking his head vehemently, but still can’t stop the tears. Jaemin chuckles fondly, pinching his cheek. “I’m sorry, baby, I’ve made you shed so many tears you've become a crybaby— you’re my little crybaby.” Jisung whines and squirms in his lap, hiccuping and wiping at his eyes with the back of his hand. Jaemin doesn’t know how, but his heart grows even fonder. The rims of Jisung’s eyes are red and showing hints of swelling, his nose pink and scrunching with every loud sniffle because it’s clogged from crying so much, his lips pulled into a petulant pout because of the teasing— but Jaemin wouldn’t want it any other way; this is the person he wants to wake up to everyday, do dumb things with throughout the day and cuddle to sleep at night with.

“Jisung-ah, let’s forget the marriage pact.”

Jisung stills and stops sobbing, feeling his heart drop. “Wh-what?”

But Jaemin only smiles wider, taking Jisung’s hands into his and lacing their fingers together. “I don’t want to wait till you’re thirty anymore. Let’s date now. Go out with me now. Be my boyfriend now. Hold my hand like this everyday. Let me tell you how much I love you everyday. We’ll do all the stupid things couples do together everyday. And then whenever we want to get married, next week, next month, next year, when I’m twenty-five, or when you’re twenty-five, let’s just get married then. I don’t want to waste any more time I can spend with you. Shall we do that?”

Jisung throws his arms around Jaemin’s neck and nods vigorously.

“No take backs!” Jaemin teasingly warns. “There’s no seven day policies or return counters for boyfriends like me. You’re going to be stuck with me for life.” Jisung laughs at the joke. “I would never want to return you, hyung. I like you too much.” He flushes after saying it aloud, and Jaemin smiles fondly seeing him get shy.

“Good. I’m sealing this with a kiss so you can’t ever think of backing out.”

Jaemin leans in closer, letting their lips meet in a soft kiss. He rests his forehead against Jisung’s and grins.

“I love you, Jisung-ah.”

Jisung feels like his heart is about to burst in his chest, and this time, there’s no ache that follows. He returns the smile and closes the gap between their faces to kiss Jaemin a second time.

“Can you say that again, please, hyung?”

“Of course,” Jaemin replies softly, breath ghosting over Jisung’s lips. He presses a kiss to his forehead, “I love you,” a kiss each to the eyelids fluttering close, “I love you, love you,” another to the tip of his nose, “I love you so much.”

They meet in the middle for the last kiss and it’s messy, a clash of lips and teeth; Jisung is inexperienced and Jaemin is overzealous — but that’s okay, they’ve got a long time ahead to figure it out together.