Chapter Text
“Rumors about us doing it would have been so much better than this,” Nick mumbled as he and Seiji were handed a baby.
“As distasteful as that thought is, I have to agree,” Seiji said, eyeing the yellow-clad baby doll in Nick's arms like he thought it might explode.
They, and the rest of the grumbling freshman class, filed into the lecture hall for the orientation on how to use—take care of?—the dolls. And then their first parenting class. And, to make the day even more fun, he and Seiji got to read for Romeo and frickin’ Juliet. With a baby.
“I hate this,” Nick groaned. Seiji shushed him as Principal Eisler took the stage and went into her speech about the importance of parenting and healthy relationships and the like. This program had been around for almost fifty years and Nick couldn't help but think they were complete crap. They sure hadn't taught Robert Coste much. And, come to think of it, the bag of flour or whatever they'd used as fake babies back in the day had gotten more fatherly affection from his dad than Nick ever would. That was a fun thought. It propelled him to pay attention, though. Out of spite, in part, as well as in an effort to escape thoughts of Robert.
“You take the baby,” Seiji said when they were released to their first period classes. Nick might have protested but Seiji was already gone. Dick. Nick would shove the baby on him for third period tomorrow as revenge. All their other classes, they shared.
The baby was fine enough, Nick supposed. Some of the other dolls started crying in the middle class but Nick’s baby behaves admirably. And it didn't cry in the hall on the way to lunch either. Because I've got the good sense not to hold it like a toy monkey, he thought, watching other babies dangling precariously by the arm or stuffed haphazardly into bags.
“Congratulations on the newest addition to your family,” Aiden said when Nick sat down. Seiji was already there and Nick wouldn't have sat next to him if not for the baby, which he shoved into Seiji's unwilling arms right away.
“Thanks,” Nick said brightly. “Thank you all for not warning us about this hell assignment.”
“Hey, anytime bro,” Eugene shot him some finger guns.
“I love being unhelpful,” Tanner said with a wink.
“You're welcome,” Harvard said very seriously.
“Where's Bobby?” Nick asked, looking around for his best friend. He could use some sympathy and Bobby seemed the most likely to give it.
“He had home economics,” a deep voice replied. Dante. So Bobby would be joining them, then. He was just running late. “He convinced Ms. Mack to let him bake a cake during class.”
“Okay,” Nick wasn't sure why that was relevant information until Bobby appeared, walking towards them with a cake held carefully in his hands. Nick had known Bobby would pull through for him. A cake would make next period way less terrible.
“Sorry I'm late! Nick, Seiji, I baked you a cake!”
“You're the best,” Nick exclaimed but then he saw the fancy script on the top of the cake, lovingly iced with flowers and frills: IT’S A GIRL. The table fell into appreciative laughter. Nick frowned. “How do you know it's a girl?”
“That's what you're worried about?” Seiji asked.
“It's a legitimate question!”
“All the babies are girls by default,” Bobby explained, sliding in next to Dante and pulling a knife from his bag that Nick thought was a bit excessive in relation to the cake it was meant to cut. “Makes diaper changing less awkward. Have you named her yet?”
“It,” Seiji corrected, gingerly setting the doll on the table so that he could eat unencumbered.
“We haven't gotten around to it,” Nick said, smile forming on his lips. If this was going to annoy Seiji, he could play along too.
“We're not naming it,” Seiji said flatly.
“Part of parenting is forming a bond with your child,” Aiden said, reciting from the lesson he must have sat through three years ago. “Harvard and I named our baby Theodora.”
“Dante, remember our little Rosie?” Bobby asked and Dante nodded, looking as though he had fond memories of his and Bobby’s ‘Rosie.’
“What did you name yours, Kally?” Nick wanted to piss Seiji off with the question but he was also curious.
“I didn't name our doll,” Kally sighed and Seiji looked briefly triumphant.
“I named her Kally Jr., obviously,” Tanner said before Seiji could get too excited about finding a kindred spirit.
“You guys all had stupid names,” Eugene declared. “Doomsday Destructor Firebomb Laser-Eyes could have taken any of your babies in a fight.”
Nick liked the sound of that and gave Eugene a high-five for his excellent naming skills. Seiji looked like he thought he was surrounded by idiots. But what else was new?
“What are we supposed to do with her during practice, do you think?” Nick asked Seiji as they entered the gym together that afternoon.
“Do you want to hire a babysitter?” Seiji asked snidely.
“You know what, I’m sure Bobby would take her.” Nick fished out his phone. “Let me see if he’s busy.”
“You can’t be serious.”
“Why not?”
“It’s a toy, Nicholas. Just put it against the wall or something.”
“But what if she starts crying again? Coach would be pissed at the noise or the interruption while we went and dealt with it.”
Seiji looked at the baby that Nick had been stuck carrying practically all day and his face clearly conveyed what he thought of it. Seiji was even less impressed with this course than Nick was and he didn’t even have a dad that’d probably flunked out of it.
“You deal with it.”
Nick called Bobby and managed to hand the baby off to him before Coach called him in for the debrief.
“I see you’re taking to parenthood more readily than your partner,” Coach Williams commented, causing Nick to groan and Seiji to scowl and the other three to laugh.
“You too?” Nick asked. “C’mon Coach, have some mercy.”
“No.”
Nick didn’t know what he’d expected, honestly. All the teachers seemed as amused by this as the older students were, if a little exasperated at the drain on class time. Coach Williams, though, seemed to find it even funnier than the other teachers.
Practice was brutal. Nothing but drills and footwork today which meant Nick left the gym feeling completely unsatisfied; he hadn’t gotten to actually fence anyone all day. And the return of the baby to him—Bobby didn’t dare try and pass the doll to Seiji—was the cherry on top. Taking to parenting, my ass, he thought.
Nick woke with the unpleasant jarring sensation that came when something was wrong. His addled and tired mind took a moment to click it all into place. The baby was crying. Groaning, Nick dragged himself out of bed to pick up the screaming doll from where she was situated on the desk. He took off and put back on the diaper so the doll would count it as a change, just like they’d been taught that morning.
“This shouldn’t be allowed,” Seiji’s scowl was audible. He’d made no effort to fix the baby, though he’d most likely woken up first. Nick was a deep sleeper but, apparently, a better fake dad than Seiji. “It’s disturbing our sleep.”
“That’s what babies do,” Nick yawned as he rocked the baby.
“It’s designed specifically to disrupt our lives and is bound to have a negative impact on the rest of our schooling. It’s wrong.”
“It’s a week. A sucky week but not a big deal.” All their classes were light on the workload to accommodate for this weird project. “Do you wanna grab her bottle from my bag?”
“No.”
“Fine, we can listen to her scream all night.”
Seiji got out of bed and actually stomped his way over to Nick’s bag, which he rummaged through until finding the toy bottle. He shoved it at Nick and went right back to bed. Nick heard him tossing around and thought he was being a bit dramatic. The baby was settling down. She’d just been hungry.
“There we go,” Nick said quietly to the doll, putting her gently back on the desk. “That’s right, good baby.”