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Kunikida looked down at his notebook of ideals that had been soaked through with the rain. In the end, even though he had always known that his ideals were so easily damaged, he couldn’t bring himself to say the words: “Even so, I will-”
One didn’t need paper to contain the words that were most important to him. However, he needed to write it down so that he may never forget.
Do what must be done.
But like the ink that was blurred out by the rain, he was starting to forget what that meant, and even after the fear of losing everything dear to him – the city, the Armed Detective Agency, the children – he had never been so scared in his life. What if his ideals were truly so weak that the flames of the Azure King would finally consume him and create a being that destroyed the very things he loved? Would the prophecy foretold by his partner finally come true, even after said partner had already dismissed it long ago?
The very idea chilled him more than the pouring rain outside the Armed Detective Agency’s office.
What was ironic about the end of the world approaching in a few days was that there was nothing to do except wait. Thus, Kunikida began salvaging his notebook. He laid down a few paper towels on his desks and put the notebook upright. Then he placed a few more paper towel sheets inside the covers.
Unfortunately, he realized that the notebook drying out was yet another thing he had to wait for, so he laid back on Dazai’s couch and sighed deeply. The couch was officially office property, but with how often Dazai laid down on it, it might as well have been his. Kunikida couldn’t help a small smile from forming on his face at the thought of Dazai approving his spontaneous action of doing nothing. All he could think of was that the slacker must have finally rubbed off on him.
If only that were actually the case. His smile dropped as he closed his eyes and leaned his head back. Ever since the cannibalism conflict, Dazai had already been working so hard to the point that Kunikida wondered if it prevented Dazai from even thinking about suicide. In any other situation that did not involve the world ending, Kunikida would have scoffed at the idea, but now it felt like everything was turned backwards. Everything from the Port Mafia protecting the day and children defending adults with machine guns to the switching of Dazai’s and Kunikida’s positions: Dazai was the one running around trying to save the world, and Kunikida was lying here like a sitting duck.
Do what must be done.
What must I do? I would do anything to stop this, anything at all, even-
Blow himself up in flames.
What was most backwards of all was that Dazai wanted to live, and Kunikida wanted to die.
“What the hell is wrong with you?” Dazai had softly said to him at the cemetery.
Kunikida had visited the cemetery after the cannibalism, and he had visited it again after the decay of angels. This time, though, despite the fact that he was supposed to be in the most secure prison in the world, Dazai was also there wearing his usual tan coat.
“Everything,” Kunikida admitted.
He had been more than ready to die back there. He had burned in flames, and all that was left of him was ash. That was all there was to it.
“I think,” Dazai murmured to himself, “I think I’ve been waiting too long.”
“Hmm?” Kunikida had heard.
Dazai turned around. “Follow me.”
There was no reason for Kunikida to refuse, so he walked behind him.
By the time Dazai stopped, the sun was setting. The headstone in front of him had an inscription that seemed familiar to Kunikida.
“Oda,” Kunikida said, feeling the name in his mouth. “Odasaku?”
“So you knew.”
Kunikida had heard Dazai say that name aloud in his sleep whenever they had to spend a night together on a mission. A bit more rarely, he had heard it when he had to take him home after a night of drinking. “You’re not as subtle as you think.”
Dazai’s acting skills were phenomenal, but even the best actor couldn’t stop a few leaks from their true nature. After knowing him for years, it was bound to happen that he heard that name.
Kunikida said, “I know that you already told some of the members who this person is.” He didn’t forget that he was the last person Dazai told about his previous occupation. “So this where you go whenever you disappear to who knows where.”
Dazai nodded solemnly.
“Was it someone you loved?”
A small smile cracked on his face. “That’s what Atsushi-kun said.”
“That’s what anyone would ask.”
“You think?” His eyes were smiling, too.
Their bantering almost made things seem normal, so Kunikida almost forgot why he couldn’t bring himself to smile. Still, at least he wanted to continue. “So, what did you say to him?”
“What do you think I said?”
Another one of Dazai’s guessing games. He might as well humor him. “If that were true, you would have committed a lovers’ suicide by now.”
“Oh~ That’s pretty close!”
“So what exactly did you say?”
“If it had been a woman I loved, I would have died with her.”
“Isn’t that basically the same thing?”
Dazai walked closer to the grave and knelt down to lay a single rose on it. “He was the man who convinced me to leave the Port Mafia.”
“Oh.” That was the only mockery of a word Kunikida could say. He wanted to say so many things, but his mind drew a blank.
At least the silence between them wasn’t awkward. The sun had set past the horizon, and the wind was gently caressing them. After a while, Dazai finally stood up and spoke up, still facing the headstone. “You know out of all people how powerful words are. You don’t need your notebook and ability, or hell, even The Book to know this.”
“Yes.”
“I’ve heard both words that kill and words that give life.” The wind blew harder. “And I have received both types of words.”
When Dazai finally faced Kunikida, Dazai’s face and eyes had an indescribable emotion. “If he hadn’t told me the words that gave me my reason to live, I would have died sooner or later.”
“Dazai, you...”
“I’ll cut to the point. I know you feel like you have lost sight of your ideals, and I know that they are your reason to live. But,” he took in a breath, “I know the first words of your notebook: Do what must be done. You haven’t lost sight of it, and you never will. I know this because you are Kunikida Doppo, and the core of your ideals isn’t that weak.”
Kunikida was speechless. Unable to say more, Dazai placed a hand on Kunikida’s shoulder before walking away.
“And don’t prove me wrong,” Dazai’s voice echoed in Kunikida’s mind.
But Kunikida already did soon after that encounter. So many more people had died in the phase after the decay of angels. He didn’t even bother going to the cemetery after that. So many people had lost their loved ones. The amount of blood on his hands was increasing so much he felt like he was drowning in it. No amount of rain could cleanse him. All it did was drench his notebook and smudge his ideals.
The door opened.
Deciding to take a break from his useless thoughts spiraling downwards, Kunikida opened his eyes and glanced at the entrance. It was Dazai, who was as drenched as his notebook.
Neither of them said a word as Dazai went over the couch and plopped down right next to him.
“You’ll get the couch wet.”
“It’ll dry off just fine.” Dazai sounded absolutely exhausted. “I’m more worried about your notebook.”
“This is the first time I’ve ever heard you be concerned about my notebook, Dazai. Getting soaked isn’t the worst thing to happen to one of my notebooks.”
“You’re making it seem like it, Kunikida-kun. It looks like you’re mourning over it.”
Kunikida scoffed. Grieving over a notebook, however expensive, was a laughable idea.
Kunikida felt Dazai shiver next to him. “You’re cold. Let me get you something warm to drink.”
“Don’t. Just stay here.” Dazai gazed pleadingly at him. “Don’t go away.”
He couldn’t say no, not when Dazai looked like this. “Fine,” he relented. “But at least take off your coat.”
Kunikida said that, but his hands moved of their own accord and started peeling off the coat for him.
“Kunikida-kun is undressing me,” Dazai said with a wry smile. “How lewd.”
“At least you’re not shivering anymore. Does this mean you’re enjoying it?” Kunikida said calmly, as if listing off his quotidian to-do list to himself.
His hands stilled when he heard faint breathy laughter. It sounded genuine. Of course the first time he had ever heard such a sound from Dazai would be now. After he waited for Dazai’s explanation that never came, he finally took the coat off and placed it over a nearby chair.
Dazai’s breathing became steady, and in the dark, Kunikida wondered if he had quickly fallen asleep. He gently sat back down and whispered his name.
“I’m awake.”
Of course. “Why did you come here at this time?”
“To annoy you.”
“The one time you say that out loud to me, that’s not your real purpose. I’m not surprised by that. So what is it?”
Dazai sighed. “What if I just wanted to see you again? And talk to you like this one last time before the final battle?”
It felt too raw for him to dismiss the claim. “Sure, I’ll accept that. Any other reason?”
Kunikida felt movement on the couch before feeling a warm body rest against his right side and a head lay on his shoulder. The dripping cold water started invading his clothes and attacking his skin. The murmur to his ear was so soft that he could pretend to not hear it.
“To beg.”
Dazai was as cryptic as ever.
“Beg for what?”
“Why are you so resolved to die?”
Kunikida stilled. Of course Dazai had noticed. How foolish of him to assume that the former suicide maniac would not.
Dazai continued, “What makes you think that becoming a martyr for your ideals will make them any more meaningful?”
“But how else can I give them meaning?”
Dazai sat up and left his side. It felt cold.
“I’ve failed everyone so many times,” Kunikida said, “and I can’t afford to this time. I’d gladly give my life if it means that-”
“Stop it.” Dazai’s eyes were hidden by his hair. He really must be exhausted. “How can you say something like that?” A sob. Kunikida must have misheard. “I wish you wouldn’t say things like that. How dare you. You’re the last person who needs to think that.”
“Dazai-”
“Why’s this happening? I vowed to never let something like this happen again.”
Dazai’s voice was cracking, and his shoulders were shaking, but Kunikida could pretend that the wetness on his face was from the rain and that he was shivering from the cold. Kunikida tentatively started reaching out.
“How come I can’t do anything when it matters most? Why can’t I give you a reason to live? I don’t even know what to say anymore. It completely disappeared from my mind.”
He tilted Dazai’s face in his direction and wiped the hot tears from his eyes. Dazai blinked in surprise.
Kunikida had been told once that he was a cruel man. He was absolutely convinced of that now because he had just made Dazai cry. “I’m sorry.”
“So don’t die. Don’t leave me.”
“I’m sorry.” For everything.
“Please don’t go.”
Dazai started shivering again, so Kunikida brought his arms around him and held him close.
“I’m sorry,” Kunikida repeated. “But I don’t make promises I can’t keep.”
He brought his hand up and started stroking Dazai’s hair. The room was silent.
“You’re so cruel.” The second person to tell him that, and maybe not the last.
“I know. So the least I can do is try.” He paused and leaned back to look at him. “Is that enough? I’ll do everything in my ability to stay alive.”
As if conjured by this moment, the moonlight started shining on them. If Kunikida’s mind hadn’t been so focused on the man before him bathed in the moonlight, he would have noted that the rain must have stopped sometime ago.
It was impossible to comprehend the emotions that Dazai’s expression held. Kunikida could only think one thing.
You’re so beautiful.
So he decided to do what felt natural. He kissed him.
Dazai made a surprised sound in his throat. Their teeth clashed, and when their lips parted to deepen the kiss, they just couldn’t align them properly. For his first kiss, this was far from ideal.
But he couldn’t have asked for a better kiss.
When their lips parted, Dazai’s face was flushed. “Kunikida-kun, what…?” He seemed embarrassed – no, flustered, even.
Kunikida placed their foreheads together. “You seemed cold.”
Dazai struggled to say something, anything. “So you thought that this would warm me up?”
“It looks like it worked. Do you have a problem with that?”
Dazai blushed even harder. “Kunikida-kun, you can’t just go and be suave like that.”
Kunikida always savored the rare moments he got the upper hand over Dazai, and this wasn’t an exception. If anything, it felt like he could get intoxicated on this. He had to kiss him again.
“Hmmph!” Dazai’s voice was muffled.
He grasped Dazai’s hair and tilted his head for better access. As he deepened the kiss, he laid Dazai down on the couch. Dazai shifted and brought his arms around Kunikida’s back.
What was this warmth spreading throughout his body? Dazai’s lips were unexpectedly soft, so soft that Kunikida felt like he could melt into them. He wanted to hear more of Dazai’s tentative moans escaping his covered mouth. He wanted to feel more of him. He wanted-
He finally broke the kiss and stared down at him. God, Dazai was breathtaking. He had never seen him like this, and this only encouraged him to say the words he wouldn’t have said in any other situation.
“Dazai, I want to make love to you.”
Dazai’s eyes opened wide as the flush deepened. “You’re serious.”
He nodded.
“Kunikida!” Dazai yelled comically and flailed, pushing the other off of him. “What about your ideals?!”
Kunikida fell unto the floor. “So what?!”
“What do you mean ‘So what’? Kunikida-kuuun, I thought you were only gonna have sex with the ideal woman you planned to marry!”
Kunikida was beyond pissed. For once, he knew exactly what Dazai’s intent was. “Dazai,” he growled as he stood up.
Dazai merely crossed his arms and pouted. Kunikida pushed and laid Dazai back onto the couch. “Look at me.”
Despite looking like he was struggling keep it, Dazai held Kunikida’s gaze. “I’m looking.”
“Why are you pushing me away?”
“It’s not exactly that. It’s just… sudden. You’re moving so quickly! Are you sure you want to do this?”
“Dazai, I want to do this right here and now.”
Kunikida was very aware that this was uncharacteristic of him and couldn’t help wondering what possessed him, but at this very moment, he couldn’t remember the last time he wanted something this much. Was this the desire that drove men into ruin?
Dazai slowly slid his hand on his cheek. “Kunikida. Calm down a little. You can’t even do it here.”
“Why?”
“We don’t have protection,” he said seriously.
“Tch.” Despite knowing Dazai’s motive – getting him to hesitate by being as ridiculous as possible – it was a valid point. “I have my notebook.”
“Do you remember my ability?”
“Oh.”
Kunikida suddenly blushed and sat straight up. This was beyond embarrassing.
“Kunikida-kun, I’m flattered that you want me so badly, but please calm down a little.”
Dazai’s deadpanning only made him try to hide behind his hands. “Dazai, what did I try to do?! The words I said! What came over me? Did I scare you?”
He heard a huff of laughter. “Kunikida-kun, you never scare me.”
“But-”
“You’d never do anything to me I didn’t want or ask for.”
Kunikida looked up from his hands. Dazai was smiling gently at him.
“Besides,” Dazai’s tone turned teasing, “like I said, if anything, it was flattering.”
Kunikida sighed from both exasperation and relief.
And like that, the moonlight turned off. He looked outside the window. The clouds had covered the moon. He also realized that the rain had stopped falling at some point.
“Dazai?”
“Hmm?”
“Let’s go to my place.”
“Oh my.”
“We don’t have to do anything there. It’s just,” he exhaled slowly, “I don’t want us to be alone.”
Even though he had already been distracted enough from his lust, an ache remained in his chest.
“Alright.”
Kunikida didn’t expect him to agree so quickly. He turned around to see Dazai standing up.
“Kunikida-kun, what about your notebook?”
“It would take a while to dry. I have a few spare sheets, and I have an extra at home.”
“And you were gonna use one of those precious sheets just for the sake of-”
“Dazai.”
Dazai hummed happily at his reaction as he picked up his coat and started walking to the door. Kunikida sighed and followed him out.
On the way back, though, they remained silent. Perhaps they wanted to enjoy the moments in the night right after heavy rain. Or maybe they were just too tired. Kunikida noticed that Dazai’s walk lacked the bounce it usually had. And to think Kunikida had wanted to- no, he refused to think about it. They were just going to rest at his place, and that was that.
…
It was a while since he had been at his apartment. “Dazai, do you mind if I take a shower now?”
He shrugged. “It’s your home.”
He went out of the closet and took out several towels. He handed a couple to Dazai. “Also, feel free to look in my closet and wear some of my clothes after drying off.”
The last thing he saw before going into the bathroom was Dazai placing a towel over his head.
His mind became a lot clearer under the hot water. What on earth was he thinking in the office? He had never felt raw passion like it before. All he had wanted then was-
He grimaced and deliberately turned the water cold. This was better. He let the freezing water flow across his body and cleanse out all thoughts from his mind.
Which had proved absolutely useless.
With a towel around his waist, when he saw Dazai sitting on his bed as naked as the day he was born, Kunikida froze. There were too many firsts to handle in a day. Dazai had cried, Kunikida felt overwhelming, almost uncontrollable desire, and now Dazai had taken his bandages off. Absolutely unbelievable.
Dazai noticed him staring and shied away from the gaze. He seemed too vulnerable without the bandages covering him. But Kunikida finally found out why Dazai had always kept his bandages on, even in a hot spring. There was scars littered everywhere on his body.
“Kunikida-kun,” Dazai whined, but unable to prevent the trembling in his voice. “Stop staring at me!”
Kunikida obeyed.
“Bandages are a part of my body, remember?! That means now I’m very naked.”
“I am aware.”
Silence.
Before Kunikida was going to apologize, Dazai said softly, “Isn’t it horrible?”
“Huh?” Kunikida quickly looked back at him.
“They’re awful, right?” Dazai was smiling, and it felt wrong.
“I don’t think so,” he blurted out without considering them.
Dazai stopped smiling as a look of disbelief crossed his face, though it soon vanished. “How could you say that?” he murmured.
Kunikida didn’t know if this was the right choice, but he said, “Maybe it’s because I don’t have your memories. But simply looking at them doesn’t horrify me or whatever response you expected.”
“But you look like you want to look away again,” he pointed out, but it wasn’t accusatory. It seemed like he believed Kunikida, so rather he was wondering what the reason was.
As cued, he looked away. “To be honest, I was surprised. And...”
“Kunikida-kun. It’s fine, just tell me.”
“I don’t know.”
“Why do you think I took them off in the first place?”
Oh.
Kunikida timidly glanced back. At this point, he couldn’t refuse. “I,” he gulped. “I still want to do it.”
A smirk slowly crept into Dazai’s face. “That settles it, then. So what are you waiting for?”
Without thinking (again), Kunikida walked over to his bed and took off his towel.
…
Kunikida woke up to his phone ringing on the bedside table. Out of habit, he immediately sat up and answered it.
“Ranpo-san?”
“Kunikida, you sound well. That’s a relief,” Ranpo said casually.
Before Kunikida could apologize for worrying him, he heard sleepy murmuring and shifting from the other side of the bed. He paused and took a moment to look to his side. There was a human-shaped lump underneath the blankets. He suddenly remembered everything that had happened last night.
Ranpo continued, “The rest of us are here at the office. Just letting you know.”
“Kunikida-kun, is it Ranpo-san?” Dazai said from underneath his covers.
Kunikida heard Ranpo pause. “Kunikida-kun. You and Dazai can take your time putting your pants on. It’s not like there’s anything much to do. See you then.”
Ranpo hanged up. Kunikida couldn’t believe what he had just heard. He started to blush and placed his head in his hands. “Someone kill me...”
He heard more shifting, and before he realized it, he felt Dazai slowly tracing patterns on his arm. “Kunikida-kun, isn’t Ranpo-san so mean?”
Kunikida immediately focused on the motions and started to calm down. It felt nice, but after looking up at him, Kunikida maintained a cool tone. “First, I don’t mind at all. Second, you know that you have absolutely no right to say that.”
“True.”
Dazai giggled and held up Kunikida’s arm while continuing to trace on it. For once, Kunikida didn’t feel the urge to immediately get up and go to work. Of course, the main reason was what Ranpo said, but a significant one was Dazai trying to pull him back down. He really must be exhausted because he let him do that.
He ended up facing him on his side. Now, Dazai shifted his attention to combing his loose hair.
“Dazai, if you keep doing this, I might actually fall back asleep.”
“So? Ranpo-san said that we could take our time.”
“He said time for putting our pants on.” He blushed and wished he could take those words back.
Dazai giggled and said, “Even after last night, you’re still so innocent, Kunikida-kun~”
He blushed harder. “That’s not what… You know what, I’m getting up.” As he sat back up, Dazai whined and raised his arms but remained lying down. “You should get up, too.”
“But I don’t wanna...”
He huffed but let himself smile a little, just this once. “Alright. You did work hard the past few days, so rest a little.”
This time, Dazai was the one who blushed. Kunikida decided that he really did like seeing him like this.
“But you know, Kunikida-kun? You worked hard for much longer than me. You should rest, too.”
Kunikida’s smile dropped as he became pensive. “You think so?”
“Do we have to go over this again?”
“No.” He shook his head. “I know what I have to do now.”
Dazai’s concern melted away. “Phew, I was worried there for a sec. You can’t scare me like that!” He pouted. “You’re the one person who should never lose sight of who you are.”
“I know.” Kunikida smiled and pecked him on the lips, a far cry from their heated kisses. Ironically, this is what made Dazai blush more heavily. “Thank you.”
“Didn’t do nothin’,” Dazai mumbled and turned away.
Kunikida laughed – when was the last time he had laughed like this– and got up again.