Chapter Text
WHAT THE ACTUAL F*CK IS GOING ON
Uploaded by TimaeusTestified a week ago
"Okay, my followers on the art of cool. As we have recently discovered, life is not an anime." The masked boy on the screen let out a brief sigh of disappointment "Instead, life is a Cartoon Network show."
The intro quickly played, accompanied truly horrible Minecraft youtube music. When it finished the boy wasn't on his gaming chair anymore, instead, he was standing in front of some sort of conspiracy board filled with anime drawings.
"So, the last month has been trippy, as our internet has become more chaotic than normal, possibly in an attempt to match real life, who had the memorable event of key figures such as Rebecca Sugar and the owner of the pizza place three streets away from my new house being brought in for questioning by the police and the military."
"Also, monsters have attacked. Fucking called it." He said with some light smugness on his voice "Due to this, there has been one gigantic, gargantuan, and all the synonyms of 'very big' amount of utter and complete confusion. Kudos to everybody who got the situation on the first they heard about it because doing so while not existing must have been an arduous task."
"Inspired by this, and my temporary loss of stable internet connection, I decided to bring you the:" words appeared on the screen while he spoke.
WHAT THE ACTUAL F*CK IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW
a Dirk Strider Summary of the cluster fuck that has been the last two months
"To start off, let us speak about what has been, outside of conspiracy forums, universally agreed to be the beginning of the whole situation: The Landing. Called that due to both the giant golden ship that parked itself on Washington D.C's skies like a minivan parks itself on a supermarket lot, and also due to the twitter user called @ectoBiologist, who live-tweeted the whole thing."
"Now, I know ectoBiologist on my personal life, and as such, I got an Interview by intimidating him with my T-Posing. This is the resulting audio."
"John, I need to talk with you about- are you baking?"
"Hm? Yes, I am, it's for a baking sale I am going to participate- are you T-Posing?"
"This is my intimidation tactic, John. Don't diss it"
"Oh yeah? Tell me, doesn't the sight of my oven make you shake in fear?'
"Oh, please. You would need way more cookies, I have no fear"
"Oh, really?"
"...one fear.
" Pffft. Knew it. Anyways, why are you here?"
"Because I need to support my Orange Soda addiction somehow John. And as I am an honest man, I won't clickbait my followers."
"I would like to remember all of you that it is John's fault we spent the next ten minutes dicking around"
"So, John. I need to get that interview, and my arms are getting tired of t-posing."
"What? Oh! Sure, ask away."
"First things off, for how long are you grounded for not going to safety and instead live-tweeting The Landing?"
"Okay, first off, knock the capital letters down. I can hear them from up there."
"Great, because if you couldn't hear from insignificant five inches I would have to call Jane"
"And second, I am grounded for two weeks."
"John, lying is a nasty habit."
"I am grounded for the rest of my life, but plan on sneaking out."
"There, much better. Now, could you say you knew what the fuck was going on during The Landing?"
"Nope."
"Thank you for such a meaningful answer, John."
"As you can clearly see, confusion was present since the beginning. Now, due to my friends donated internet, I managed to keep track of the events."
"Most people were frightened, even those saved by them. Because y' know, it isn't any day a people of rainbow color goes to save you from a monster attack by using their supernatural powers, and internet needed videos, blurry photos, and security camera footage to believe it. Soon, a group known as 'Everybody with at least one working eye' noticed that they all had gems somewhere on their bodies. A small part of the Steven Universe fandom jokingly said that they were homeworld gems like in the show, and possibly from Homeworld."
"They all stopped laughing and started panicking when they were proven right by the Artificial Broadcast. Or, for those who don't keep up with titles, that one time the gems hacked the internet and made the following message play in all devices with a connection to wi-fi. For two hours. And thus, they disrupted my anime watching"
"Salutations. Or rather, as you all seem to prefer, hello, America. I am Artificial Diamond, representant of the Shattered Pink throne of the diamond authority. At the request of my court, I have come forward to warn your government to-"
"Stop trying to shoot us out of the sky. It is pointless, and I swear I am coming this close to learning how to plot this ship if only to return the favor."
"...Thank you, Bloodstone, for such a meaningful threat. Now, can I say the message that is actually important, or you want to say anything else?"
"I want to say you are a dickbutt."
"Practicing your English insults, or challenging me to a fight?"
The sound of drawing blades
"Both."
"Wonderful. I'll enjoy making you regret it."
"Boys, remember to not shatter each other!'
Heavy steps growing faint.
" My sodalite?"
"Yes, Pearl?'
" Both the Bloodstone and our Diamond have left without giving the warning, and Aventurine is busy with the ship. So, do you want me to warn them or-"
"Nah. You can do it."
"Okay. So, our doors will be open for a meeting, seen days from now, at thirteen hours and thirty minutes, if the government wishes to talk."
"Besides giving fuel for hate-fucking fics, as well as enemies to lovers ones, that broadcast served to invite, of fucking course, the government. Also to make the aircraft stop shooting the shield around the ship."
"Of course, our president, Keanu Reeves, and the general Eric Valiant complied. Accompanied by elite security, they entered the golden ship at one and a half pm. They left two hours later, and they came back with a lot of questions, and footage that got leaked on the… Leaking. Goddamn, whoever comes up with these should be fired."
"But, before we talk about the horribly named event, let us give a quick rundown of the last two weeks. Frs off, the… actually, I don't know if it was an arrest or if she was just as a witness or something, but Rebecca Sugar was brought in by the police to be questioned about the gems. As expected by anyone with an inch of common sense, we discovered she knew jack."
" During the whole debacle, me, myself, I also had a personal encounter with the sentient polymorphic space rocks. I even took a self and posted on twitter!" A photo of the teen, now maskless, and the shaded alien showed up on the screen "Pearl was a cool dude. Even if I had to take a few points due to the fact he ordered eleven pizzas, and lowkey closed off the only decent pizza place in thirteen streets. Dick move, bro"
"After that, a hacker who went by the nickname of PumpkinParty leaked footage taken by President Reeves of his meeting with the gems. Now, as much as I am all for spreading the truth, and all that jazz, I really don't want the channel taken down. So, google a transcript, and if you need the motivation to look for it, just remember some of its highlights are Bloodstone proving himself deserving of the title Profanity Shakespeare, Aventurine and his nice ass- I mean, Aventurine and his nice as hell Diamond quietly fanboying over the President's old acting career, and the reveal gems are, at least in spirit, shitty kids with nineteen years of age, tops."
"So, basically, this is what happened, aside from the whole ' writing and drawing super powered aliens? Are you fucking crazy?' Debacle I refuse to talk about because I have class. So, kudos, and remember to subscribe to stay tuned in."
Salutations!
Being Live Streamed by The Artificial Court right now *wink wonk*
"Uh, Howdy lads! I am Aventurine, and since I didn't appear on the last transmission, Sodalite has gently gifted me permission to start this one!" The gem said, smiling nervously to the camera. It was nice, and a little tranquilizing to the ones watching them, he knew.
Too bad, Jake English internally thought, that it was all a lie.