Work Text:
"Alright Taehyung, your concept this time will be-"
He listened quietly, only half focused on the words coming his direction. He was used to this. It happened every comeback after all. Despite their general message of loving themselves, they still molded themselves into a general concept for each release.
It shouldn't bother him should it? That was their job. That was what they had signed up for from the very beginning. It was his job to mold himself to his surroundings, to his particular concept, to be the perfect artist that was what his fans wanted him to be. He was just living clay, shaped and reshaped endlessly to fit the part that was given to him.
Taehyung wasn't even sure where his molded persona and his true self differed anymore. Was there any difference? Was there even anything to him besides V of BTS? He didn't know if he had any personal substance to himself anymore. He felt like the amalgamation of his work. Like his entire person was becoming a mask that was just repainted for each new concept.
Who is Kim Taehyung? What are his hobbies? What does he like about himself? What does he like to wear? Who is he?
The thoughts sent him spiraling, a stark contrast to the way he wasn't moving at all. The words being said in their concept meeting faded away and became nothing more than a faint buzzing sound in his ears.
It wasn't the first time he had gotten lost on that particular train of thought, and it surely wouldn't be the last. But a part of him wished he could consider it without dissociating from the world around him. The feeling was all encompassing and usually required that something or someone bring him back to the present. Until then, he knew he'd be lost the mental storm of his own creation.
Who the hell am I?
He kept coming back to that particular question. It seemed to be the root of it all, and he couldn't dismiss it because he truly didn't have an answer. How long had it been since he had gotten to step outside of his idol persona and just be whoever he was when he wasn't in the spotlight of the world?
Warm hands cupped his cheeks.
Taehyung sucked in a breath and blinked rapidly as he came back to himself. He found himself looking into Jimin's warm brown eyes.
"Taehyungie?" He called softly.
His mind took a moment to process that he wasn't in a mental whirlwind anymore. He nodded slowly, reaching up to hold the small hands on his face.
Jimin moved his thumbs to rub against his cheekbones in a soothing gesture. "Are you okay?" he asked, just as quiet as before.
Taehyung gave a weak shrug in response. He really hated the way his eyes seemed intent on betraying him as they slowly filled with tears. What was wrong with him? He didn't even feel sad.
His soulmate hummed in concern, wiping away the few that escaped down his face. "Come on Taehyungie," was his gentle coax, "let's go get some air." His hands tugged on his friend's bigger ones until they were standing and leaving the meeting.
In his sudden flurry of emotion, Taehyung hadn't even taken notice if anyone else was present or even if the meeting had finished. He let himself be led from the room and to the roof. The fresh burst of air once they exited the building was both overwhelming and refreshing. A small sob broke free as his shoulders slumped.
"TaeTae…"
The genuine love and concern in Jimin's voice only seemed to break him further. He huddled into the other's shoulder and let his cries out.
Jimin murmured warmly to him, hand rubbing up and down his back in a loving way.
It was much needed comfort, something that was certainly his soulmate's specialty. He basked in it. His mild dissociative episode had thrown him for a loop. He was grateful that Jimin had noticed before he was gone too long, as the longer duration episodes were always harder to come out of.
He realized belatedly that his best friend had begun singing Promise to him in a gentle tone. He focused on the words, leveling out his breathing as he did.
"Is he okay?" Someone asked over his head.
Jimin merely hummed, not stopping in his motions.
Another set of arms caged him in from behind. It didn't take him too long to recognize the embrace as Hoseok.
"Taehyungie," he whined softly, "please don't be too sad. We'll help you with whatever is bothering you if you want, okay?"
"Mmm not sad," he mumbled.
"Overwhelmed then?" Hobi guessed.
Taehyung nodded but shrugged as well, pulling away from Jimin's shoulder to wipe at his face. "I dunno what's wrong with me," he muttered. That was more or less the truth of things, wasn't it? He abruptly found himself unsure of who he was and therefore had no idea of how to help himself feel better about it.
He glanced up at his bandmates and flushed slightly when he took in their concerned stares. "D-Did I miss anything important in the meeting?"
Hoseok shook his head, "Nothing that wasn't written down in our info packets, don't worry. They let us go not long after you two came out here because they finally realized we were all kind of spacing out in different ways."
It was good to know his impromptu dissociative episode had not interfered too much with his work. He ran a hand roughly through his hair, huffing a sigh. "Sorry I made a bit of a scene…"
Jimin patted his arm immediately as a way to brush it off. "Don't worry about that Tae, we all have moments like that. It happens, and that's okay."
As they headed back in, he didn't find the heart to comment that his problem didn't seem to be merely a moment.
Unfortunately the trend of bothersome thoughts persisted. Taehyung was getting frustrated with it all, especially since they had regular schedules and practices to attend, which meant he didn't have any time to reflect on the questions that were plaguing him.
One day, after they had finished their relatively short schedules for the day, he found himself in front of body length mirror in one of the dorm's bathrooms. He stood and studied the person looking back at him.
The person in the mirror looked tired, eyes sullen with prominent bags beneath. It was a testament to the limited sleep they all managed to get on a regular basis. His artificially colored hair hung in miserable looking dried strands against his head. He would inevitably need another scalp treatment in a desperate effort to keep some sort of health about his hurting follicles. His clothes were quickly chosen and rumpled, evidence of the rushed morning to get out and be productive. A closer inspection of his face revealed near flawless smoothness, the occasional pimple here or there, and the barest hints of facial hair beginning to grow in.
Taehyung decided the person in the mirror looked very much like an idol during the work week that the public didn't see. He felt a sense of alienation from the man looking back at him; a man who was the near perfect sculpt of what an idol should be. He could nitpick every detail about the reflection he saw, and not be sure if any of it was the 'real him' shining through the mass amount of molding that had been slathered onto his person.
It was a very distressing realization. Was it normal for him to feel like he didn't even know himself? Had his years of training and existing in the spotlight really done such damage to him? Could he even consider it damaging?
He let out a defeated sigh. He didn't have an answer to those questions either. Deciding it would require further consideration, he allowed himself to sit on the floor and study his reflection with numerous self inquiries swirling about his mind.
Maybe he could try taking it from the top?
"My name is Kim Taehyung, I am a 95 liner," he murmured to himself, watching as the lips in the mirror said the words. "I am from Geochang, South Korea, and I love my family." A small smile crept onto his face, "But I also love my found family, I met them during a precious time in my life and I am very happy to have them alongside me." Taehyung noticed the man in the mirror had perked up a little, some brightness coming to his eyes.
Was that a glimpse of Kim Taehyung coming through? He had heard that eyes were known as the windows to the soul, so perhaps that small light in those otherwise dull eyes was his clue?
"Taehyung-ah? What are you doing on the floor?"
He flinched at the unexpected voice, turning quickly to find Yoongi looking back at him with a curious expression. He chuckled nervously and rubbed the back of his neck, "Ah it's nothing hyung, do you need the bathroom?"
"No no, I was just passing by and wondered what was up is all. You alright?"
The question caught him a little off guard. He wanted to say yes, of course, but wouldn't it be rude to lie to Yoongi? He bit his lip and cast his eyes to the side, unsure of what to say.
Apparently catching something of his dilemma, Yoongi released a small huff of air that sounded amused and lowered himself to sit beside Tae in front of the mirror. "You were studying the mirror pretty intensely, does that have anything to do with it?"
Taehyung nodded shyly, bringing his legs up to his chest to rest his head on his knees.
His hyung mimicked his posture and nudged him gently, "C'mon little guy, let hyung into that intriguing mind of yours."
He flushed slightly at the nickname, glancing back to his reflection. "I've…. been thinking a lot lately I guess."
Yoongi hummed in acknowledgement. "Yeah we've noticed, but wanted to let you work through it for awhile before bringing anything up… So what's making rounds upstairs? Questions usually make me think pretty hard."
"I have a lot of those," he murmured before he could stop himself.
The older pressed against him again, a motion of encouragement. "What kinds of questions?" He asked softly.
Taehyung let out a small whine. Surely it couldn't hurt to delve a bit into the issue at hand? He knew his hyung wouldn't judge him for anything he might reveal about the deeper seated problem. "I just… sometimes I look at myself and don't recognize who's looking back at me?" He chanced a look to the other, relieved to find nothing but warmth and love in the responding gaze. "I.. I think I've just spent so much time focusing on being V of BTS that I've forgotten how to be Kim Taehyung."
Yoongi smiled kindly to him, his attention shifting to the mirror in front of them. "I get that," he said quietly, "sometimes I do the same, I think. More so I look at myself and wonder why the person looking back looks so haggard. I never think I'm running myself dry but sometimes seeing my reflection is more telling than any of Jin-hyung's nagging."
Tae managed a small smile at the jab.
"I guess the first thing I'd tell you, Taehyungie, is that it's not weird to feel that way. We've all questioned it at some point or another. I think Namjoonie is actively trying to figure it out himself, given some of the rap I've caught sight of."
They shared a knowing grin at that. Leave it to their leader to turn his soul searching into lyrics.
"I was wondering if it was…" he fiddled with his shirt sleeve a bit, "normal to feel this way. I thought maybe something was wrong with me."
Yoongi shook his head, "Nah. We've led a strange life since becoming trainees honestly. Whose to say what's normal for this kind of life and what's not? And honestly, it doesn't surprise me that you're questioning this kind of thing. We rarely get time to explore who we are outside of BTS, so of course we flounder a bit when it comes to the topic."
Tae listened with rapt attention, always enthralled when he caught his hyung in a talkative mood.
The older laid his head on his arms and looked over at him gently. "I think the most important thing for you to do now, is to take advantage of our free time to figure out what being Kim Taehyung means. We all know you have a penchant for the arts, so go out and take some photos, or visit art museums, buy some canvases and splash some paint on there." He offered another wide smile, "We may lead busy lives, Taehyungie, but it doesn't mean you don't have time to discover yourself."
Taehyung laughed a bit shyly and leaned over to rest his forehead on the smaller man's shoulder. "Ah thanks hyungie, I needed to hear all that."
One of Yoongi's hands reached up and scratched lightly at his scalp. "It's nothing, little guy. Just know that you can come to us with this stuff, okay? Don't get too caught up in your own head."
He let his eyes fall shut as a comforted smile worked onto his face. "I won't hyung, thank you."
Taehyung let himself hover nervously outside of Namjoon's studio for a bit to collect himself somewhat. It wasn't that being inside the RKive was anything new to him, yet the fact that he was probably about to have a very deep conversation with his hyung made his inevitable entrance feel much more imposing.
He had genuinely found some order in his mental storm after his chat with Yoongi. There was no longer the question of strangeness when it came to his situation, and it really had made him feel more relaxed about it. His feelings were valid, not at all weird, and according to his hyung, perfectly reasonable. Plus, he even had a new mindset when it came to approaching the numerous questions that swirled about. Instead of seeing them as impossible problems that needed solving, he saw them as inquiries that deserved some exploration whenever he had a chance.
Still, there were a lot of things still needing some addressing, and he hoped Namjoon would be able to help him some on that front.
So with a small inhale, he knocked and let himself in when he received a call from the other side.
Namjoon smiled upon seeing him. "Hey Taehyungie," he greeted, "you came at a good time."
He laughed a bit as he took a seat in the other desk chair besides his hyung. "Between working on songs?" He guessed.
"Nah, my mind is finally quiet from it's influx of ideas, so I have plenty of room to dedicate to our talk."
The notion was very touching to him and he ducked his head slightly with a grin. "Thank you, Namjoon-hyung's brain."
The leader chuckled lightly, running a hand through his hair. "So, you mentioned we might get talking deep, and Yoongi-hyung mentioned you had apparently voiced some relevant concerns to the rap track I'm writing. Is it odd to say that I'm intrigued?"
He shook his head, "No, it's normal for you to be intrigued. You're a very inquisitive person when you want to be, hyungie."
Namjoon rubbed the back of his head with his dimples displaying. "Uhh yeah I guess I am."
Taehyung settled back in his chair with a small sigh. "Talking to Yoongi-hyung helped me a bit. I'm not as scared of the questions I have now at least."
"What kinds of questions?"
"Who am I? That one comes up a lot, mainly me wondering who Kim Taehyung is and how he differs from V of BTS." It felt good to be so open about his mental concerns, he needed to make sure his found family knew how grateful he was for their kindness and support.
Namjoon nodded in kind. "That's definitely something I wonder a lot. I think the lines between our 'personas' get blurred to some degree. We spend a lot of time making sure we're model idols because we have a lot of spotlight time, that when we have time away from it we don't really know what to do with ourselves." He relaxed back into his own chair and offered a crooked smile. "I've been trying to figure out some about myself lately. Past my love of action figures and intricate wooden furniture, of course."
Taehyung returned the expression easily. "Yeah, it's been…. interesting, I guess is the word, to watch unfold. I think part of me was confused about your sudden need to 'figure things out' at first, but then I started realizing I was a little jealous because you actually were doing what you had set out to do."
"Ehh I think I've probably broadcasted a surer version of myself to you guys than I actually feel. I had hoped it might coax you all into doing something similarly. All the self reflection I was doing made me realize that we were all cooping ourselves up in the limits of who our idol selves had to be. I recognized that it was going to become a pretty big problem if we didn't try to address it in some way before our lives changed direction in terms of our career."
BTS would only last so long, it was something they all subliminally acknowledged but tried not to linger on. They all preferred to focus on things as they happened and worry about such topics when the time came. Personally, it was something Taehyung dreaded, so he liked to shove the thought away to the furthest corner of his mind and ignore it for the time being.
The older male fiddled with a loose string on his chair for a bit. "It's an important thing to ask questions like that though. To branch outside what has become the norm for us, and explore who our personal selves are. I think being so focused on being idols has kind of tunnel-visioned our brains to only worry about fitting into the mold we've crafted, and not what we like and do outside of it."
Taehyung's mouth fell open at that, a little gobsmacked that apparently he and his hyung shared an eerily similar thought process on the topic. "Y-Yeah," he managed, "I thought the same. I think I've just gotten so focused on being what everyone needs me to be, that I've kind of forgotten to be who I need myself to be."
Namjoon looked at him with a soft expression on his face. "Coming to that realization is the first step to fixing that, y'know. I'm proud of you for having reached that conclusion, I know from experience that it's not exactly an easy thing to accept or even process." He reached for a notebook that lay innocently on his desk top and flicked it open to a page that had words scribbled all over it. "Here, look over this and see if it's anything like what you're thinking."
There wasn't too much order to the relative chaos of characters yet, but even Taehyung could tell that some sort of skeleton was coming together on the page. Each line he read had him unconsciously nodding his head.
It was always a fascinating experience to read over their leader's lyric writing. His mind had such a way of organizing thought and providing imagery through his word choice that Taehyung had long believed they could assemble of a book of philosophy from it.
"Joonie-hyung," he breathed when he had finished, "I.. don't really know what to say."
His hyung's smile was young, yet his gaze held something older than his years. "Guess I struck a nail on the head for you, huh?"
He nodded earnestly. "Maybe not all the same, but so many similarities. I just find myself wanting to explore things more having read that." Taehyung paused and considered it and then smiled wide. "I want to know the answer to 'who the hell am I?'."
Namjoon beamed at him in response. "Okay, Taehyungie. When you find out your answer, you can tell me all about it, okay?"
Taehyung agreed easily, feeling excited for the first time since his troublesome thought process had arisen.
"Now how about we delve into some hypotheticals about what Kim Taehyung might be like?"
Man, his hyung truly had a sexy brain.
"Jin-hyung?"
"Hmm?"
Taehyung situated himself on a barstool to watch as the eldest hyung moved around preparing dinner. It had become something of a rare treat that he could cook for them all, but they all made sure to express their profound gratitude whenever Jin decided to whip something up.
"Do you like cooking?" He asked curiously.
Seokjin turned halfway to raise a suspicious brow at him, "Yah, what's that supposed to mean?"
He stuck his hand out and waved it slightly, "Ah nothing bad! I'm just curious, hyung."
Apparently deciding there was nothing too fishy about the question, he continued in his meal preparation. "Well.. I wouldn't say it's my favorite thing to do, but I certainly don't mind it. I think I prefer seeing the people I make food for be happy and full from whatever I happen to concoct. It's… satisfying to know I was able to provide for them and help keep them healthy by having a good meal."
The words made him smile. "Aww yeah that sounds exactly like something you'd say, hyung."
Jin raised his spatula in a vaguely threatening manner, "I'm not sure I like your tone, Taehyungie. It's far too sentimental to be accompanying me making a very basic dinner."
"But hyung! You're making us food out of the goodness of your heart when you don't even have to! I think my 'tone' is perfectly fine."
"Yah! Maybe I'm just tired of dealing with the plain flavors of take out because everyone in this place is too lazy to try and take up the mantle of cooking for seven pigs!"
Taehyung grinned, resting his head on his hand. "Well of course, none of us besides Yoongi-hyung could ever compare to your mastery of the kitchen, hyung."
Jin whipped around to face the stove once more, his ears noticeably reddened. "Aish this kid," he muttered to himself. "If you're going to stay here, make yourself useful and chop up some veggies!"
The younger readily hopped up and snatched a cutting board and knife to appease his hyung.
A moment of quiet passed between them, only the sounds of chopping and mixing to be heard.
Then Taehyung broke it by sending a soft smile to the older male. "For the record, hyung, I'm happy you know what you like about cooking. You're a good role model."
"A-Anymore sentiment comes out of your mouth and I'll have you chop more onions than we need," Seokjin warned with burning cheeks.
Taehyung laughed loudly.
The night had brought a certain chill to it that Taehyung had happily remedied by sliding into bed alongside his only dongsaeng. It was no secret to anyone how much he and Kookie would cuddle and sleep in bed together. It was almost routine to them after so many years of having settled into it.
Jungkook's muscular form always radiated a soothing heat that Taehyung swore would combat any sort of cold from the night. Hence his current position curled up and around the group's cherished golden maknae.
"Kookie?" He called softly.
The younger grunted sleepily in reply.
"Do you ever wonder if joining BTS was the best choice for you?"
Jungkook peeked one eye open to peer at him sleepily, "Wha' brought that up?"
He offered a small pout in return, "Just humor me?"
His cuddle companion let his eye fall back shut and gave a little grumble. "I dunno, maybe I have in the past. Y'know like when I first did it and was scared of everythin' and everyone. But then I started gettin' close to these six persistent hyungs who managed to show me that things weren't as scary as I made them out to be." Jungkook heaved a long inhale and shifted slightly, "I dunno, guess the questionin' stuff got left behind when I realized that I had this weird family to be with me through whatever. Since then I've just been too happy and comfy being where I am to really think of things havin' ever gone differently."
Taehyung smiled despite the wetness he could feel in his eyes. Perhaps it was a bit mean of him to draw out such a question when he knew the youngest was sleepy and particularly loose lipped, but it was nice to hear all the same.
"D'you ever wonder that?"
He hummed, nuzzling his head under Jungkook's chin. "Every once in awhile, usually when I'm feeling sad and don't know why. I think it comes up because I catastrophize a bit and think everything would be better if I didn't have to live so much of my life in the spotlight like we do. But then I realize what you do, if I hadn't then I might not have met my found family and things could've been a different kind of bad because I didn't have the support system or something. It's kind of wild to even think about, y'know?"
Jungkook made a sound of agreement. "I'm glad you joined and stayed, Taehyungie hyung," he whispered.
His lip quivered a bit at that. "That right you brat?" He goaded wetly, "well I'm glad I did too so I could be your annoying hyung."
The younger shook his head slightly, "Nnn not annoying, you're a lotta good things hyung, definitely not annoyin'."
As if he needed to be brought closer to tears. "Aish," he grumbled, "go to sleep you big kid."
Jungkook smiled sleepily against his forehead, "Love you, hyung…"
"L-Love you too, Kook."
"My name is Kim Taehyung, I am a 95 liner. I am from Geochang, South Korea and I love my family. But I also love my found family, I met them during a precious time in my life and am very happy to have them alongside me," he recited to his reflection.
It had become his routine, almost a ritual. Whenever the familiar buzz of self questioning would arise, he would hunker down in front of that full body mirror and tell the person looking back at him all of the things he knew about himself as Kim Taehyung.
Sometimes when he'd sit down, he'd be able to see a glimpse of the person he had come to identify as his true self peeking through. Sometimes there'd be no trace of that self at all and he'd make sure to spend a little longer explaining things until he'd catch glance at the sparkle in his own gaze.
Before he had begun tinkering with his perception of self, he had felt lost in the numerous layers of sculpting and masks that represented who he was. Since his work had begun, he had managed to separate out details about himself to fit under the singular mask that slid on and represented V of BTS. And safely tucked beneath that public persona was his personal persona, what was slowly becoming the truest presentation of himself.
It was a long and complicated journey, one that he knew may never have a definitive ending to it. But it was one he found himself enjoying. Having spent so much time being focused on who he should be, the path to finding out who he wanted to be was something of an adventure.
He would meander around art exhibitions because he cherished the soul the artists had put into their work; much like the work he had put into molding his idol persona. He would occasionally take their rare off days to go around taking photographs on his film camera because it was something he took pleasure in, and it gave him preserved documentation of his journey of discovery.
Taehyung wasn't entirely sure when exactly he'd be able to look at his reflection and see who he really was, but the glimpses he had managed to catch as he aimed to get to such a point encouraged him.
His smiles returned with a near blinding brightness, his period of dullness abating for the time as he wholeheartedly began to explore the depths of his soul.
One day, he'd look in the mirror and immediately see Kim Taehyung looking back at him.