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The pip-boy on his arm is heavy and unfamiliar, the body in the bed heavy and unmoving. It’s been a couple weeks since the purifier began pumping clean water. It works, the purifier works. James would be so proud--his and Catherine’s work has finally paid off. Was it worth the many sacrifices? Those two would probably say yes but as Harkness sits here watching Logan on the brink of death, he cannot say the same.
He wishes he knew what exactly happened in the rotunda. Both Logan and Lyons were unconscious when those soldiers pulled them out. Logan was inside the irradiated chamber, all his belongings--including the pip-boy Harkness wears right now--were outside the chamber. Logan went into that chamber thinking he would die the same horrible way his dad did.
What was going through his mind in those final moments?
No, not final, Harkness reminds himself. Logan is still alive, Logan will wake up and recover. His chest clenches in a way that would make him think he was having a heart attack if he wasn’t a synth. But he knows it’s just pain of a different sort.
He should’ve been with Logan. He shouldn’t have let himself be convinced to go to the Citadel a different day. He should’ve fought harder through the Enclave around the Memorial, he should’ve...
He leans back into his chair and breathes. This body is capable of a lot but it can’t erase any of his regrets. It can’t ease any of his anxiety about the future. Logan didn’t die but how much longer until he wakes up? The last two weeks have felt like forever. How long can he stay from work before his own security force kicks him out? But he can’t leave until Logan’s better. Lana knows that, she understands.
Will Logan eventually turn into a ghoul? So far, there have been no signs. His skin’s intact, every hair still in place, but the process isn’t instantaneous. Still, he’ll take it as a good sign that there are no signs. People in the wasteland don’t make being a ghoul easy. He’s been pumped with radaway and different drugs to fix the damage. Harkness is relieved this place finally has a real doctor again and not just that Sawbones anymore. Logan--and Lyons--both probably would’ve died in that case.
His heart, or whatever he has, breaks every single time he thinks of that happening. Logan came into his life so quickly and unexpectedly and he can’t imagine it without him now. He keeps telling himself he doesn’t have to.
He stands and moves to brush his hand through his hair. He’s done his best to keep it clean but until he can take a real shower, there’s only so much he can do. This pip-boy on his arm is still unfamiliar but Harkness likes wearing it. He guesses it makes him feel connected to Logan while they’re unable to speak.
His eyes burn as he stares down. “Logan...”
Someone enters the room and he wipes his eyes before turning around. It’s that old man, Sarah’s father.
“No changes?”
They both already know the answer. “Not yet.”
“Don’t lose hope.”
“I’m not,” he whispers. “I’m not.”
~~~~~
“I wanted to die in there.”
Harkness looks at Logan. He hasn’t really wanted to talk about it but Harkness suspected as much.
“I thought about you the entire time.” His face twists in thought. “Dunno if that makes you feel better or worse.”
“It’s not about how I feel right now. I’m here for you. How do you feel now?”
“I’m not sure. Life out here is just...so hard. How do you keep going?”
“You just...you just gotta find what brings you those moments of happiness and hold onto it.”
“But it only feels like things are getting harder. My family did their part, why do I have to keep doing this stuff with the Brotherhood?”
Harkness sits down and wraps an arm around him and Logan leans into him. “You don’t have to. That’s the thing, Logan. You’re allowed to say no to this. You don’t have to fight the Brotherhood’s fights for them. You did your part, more than your part.”
“So just tell Lyons to fuck off and go back to Rivet City together?”
“Maybe not those particular words but yeah, we can do that.” Harkness wishes Logan would do that but he knows him well and he knows what his ultimate decision will be.
“But what about the Enclave?”
“You got the GECK, you blew Raven Rock up, you started the purifier. It’s time they stepped up.”
Logan nods but Harkness senses he’s still not convinced. He imagines a life where they live together in Rivet City without a constant bombardment of stress and pain. It’s something he’s fantasized for a while now but Logan’s right, things have gotten harder. With the purifier activated and Logan--physically--recovering, he hopes things start to improve. But the Brotherhood is asking even more from him and Harkness is afraid to ask what else could possibly happen.
~~~~~
This sight always makes Harkness’ stomach churn and he’s never quite sure why. Logan’s injecting med-x into his body. He has a black eye and painful bruises all over his arm. Painful. Which is why he’s taking med-x. Harkness feels guilty for being more concerned about a pain reliever than the damage Logan’s taken.
But that’s not true. He was very worried when Logan returned to town yesterday, took care of him all night. And it’s not just a pain reliever. It’s a chem that is potentially addictive. Logan wanted to die when he walked into that purifier. What’s changed besides him agreeing to work with the Brotherhood? That’s only making everything worse. Is Logan using med-x not only for pain but to numb his feelings? How long before it spirals out of control? How long before he’s no different from Paulie and Harkness loses him completely?
That’s his biggest fear. He likes to think it couldn’t possibly happen to his Logan but he’s watched it happen to many different people over the years.
He knows exactly why this sight makes his stomach churn.
Harkness turns away and hears Logan finish up. He almost suggests going to the bar, anything to get out of this room, but stops himself. Alcohol doesn’t mix with chems. Or shouldn’t.
“I’m gonna take a shower.”
“Okay. Want to grab some food after?”
Logan nods and he watches him gather his things. He leaves his pip-boy behind. Harkness never got used to the weight of it on his arm but maybe it was more of what was weighing on his mind back then. When he’s alone, he stares at Logan’s backpack. Then he goes to the closet to change, sad his boyfriend already has to leave tomorrow.
~~~~~
Logan hasn’t been the same since the Air Force Base exploded. He’s angry, he refuses to talk about it. Harkness doesn’t know how to help him. Logan’s back in Rivet City but lately Harkness has never felt farther away from him. Neither of them have much relationship experience, how are they supposed to fix this? For all the knowledge the Institute imparted in him, Harkness doesn’t have an answer for this. He blames the Brotherhood, they both probably do. Now that his work with them is finished, truly finished, can Logan begin to heal?
Harkness enters the Muddy Rudder but doesn’t walk down the stairs. Logan’s sitting alone, back towards him. He watches him from above, drinking and sulking. They got in an argument a while ago, a small one, an absurd one considering everything else they’ve been through. Logan stormed out and he decided to give him time to cool off. Now he’s here, too scared to admit that this argument has him scared. What if, what if, what if.
Maybe Logan’s not the only one who’s changed. It feels like all he does now is worry about the future instead of focusing on the present. He hopes this bump they’ve hit smooths itself out. In this moment, he’s going to walk down these stairs so they can talk this over. It’s all he can do. Harkness feels powerless but he knows he loves Logan and would do anything for him. He hopes that can be enough.