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It doesn’t matter that she made top five.
It doesn’t matter that she made top five after leaving first last season.
It doesn’t matter that she made top five after leaving first last season and becoming a viral sensation.
It doesn’t matter.
She didn’t win.
What’s worse was that she was happy she didn’t win.
She couldn’t have stomached it.
Yvie.
Yvie deserved it.
She wore the crown well.
Vanessa couldn’t have stomached it as well as Yvie.
Couldn’t have handled the pressure the way Brooke did.
Couldn’t have dealt with the backlash the way A’keria could have.
Couldn’t have made it through the comments section the way Silky does.
She popped off at the slightest thing.
It was her vice, she knew.
It was the one thing that never landed her any long-term friends.
She called shit out.
People should thank her for being real.
They don’t.
They leave.
Leaving is easier when you see the monster under the makeup.
When you see the hurt in the eyes.
When you see Jose.
It is much easier to stay for Vanessa. She is still a hot-head, just… a more advertiser friendly hot-head. She is palatable to the masses. A catchphrase on a string doll.
A product to be sold on the Drag Race stage.
It’s okay.
It is fine to just be Miss Vanjie.
As long as it keeps Riley fed.
As long as it pays the bills.
As long as it doesn’t break her heart.
She knows the hype will fade.
She knows her time is limited.
She knows there is no way it can go on forever.
No matter how much she prays it will stay.
There will always be a new product.
A new catchphase.
A new star.
She isn’t too naive to believe this doesn’t have an ending.
She knows.
She does.
And yet she acts like it won’t.
She pretends that her heart doesn’t break every time people refer to her just as Vanjie.
(It’s Vanessa, she longs to say. But Vanessa just doesn’t have the same ring to it. Just doesn’t bring the money into the account)
She pretends that her eyes don’t well with tears when they criticize her runways.
She pretends that she is fine with making it to the top five.
But she knows, in her heart of hearts, there may be an ending, but this certainly isn’t it.