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“Lets have sex.”
Joe trips over the end table and grabs it quickly to steady the old thing. His eyes are the size of dinner plates and his hands go white knuckled against the aged wood. There are several seconds he just stoops there speechless, almost like he’s waiting for you to tell him it’s a joke.
You aren’t joking.
“Why-” He coughs, clearing his throat as he lets go of the table and straightens. “What brought this on?”
You could go into details but you’re riding on very slim confidence at the moment and it’s probably best you just power through before he gets his wits about him enough to talk himself out of saying yes.
“I don’t know, I just thought it might be fun. Trying once, I mean.”
Joe’s hands flex a bit and then he picks at his suspenders through his over shirt. “I… Jade…”
You clasp your hands behind your back. “You can say no.”
“I haven’t said no,” he tells you hurriedly and you grin. His face has flushed, blending with his dark cheeks into a deep, reddish brown you’ve always thought was funny. “I just… hadn’t thought about it before. With you.”
You can relate.
----
The night before-
And then one night, you wake up from a nightmare and he’s spooned against your back, thick arms holding you against his body. You’ve always felt safe that way, knowing he’s there to guard against your fears. Your demons fade away to where they came from the moment you turn in his embrace and bury your face against his chest. It’s happened a thousand times before but this time you untuck your head and look up at him.
Joe’s face has sharpened as he gets closer to maturity. The line of his jaw is defined and he’s never quite without stubble these days. There’s no more baby fat anymore and his body is strong and sturdy against you. He’s only a little taller than you, but he seems so much bigger, an enormous presence of spirit at your side. Joe isn’t the little boy you became so close to years ago anymore.
You are in bed with a man who is not actually your brother, curled against his body like a lover. For a second, you wonder if you should be embarrassed. You aren’t, in the least, but maybe you should be. Or, maybe you should be thinking about what you might want from him as the two of you mature. Both of you are sixteen already and it isn’t as if you have parents to convince of anything.
(Your heart clenches a little as you think about the letters you’ve sent back to your grandfather that have never been answered. You’ve considered visiting, but you’re afraid he or Joe’s father might try to keep you in New York, and you already decided that you would never go back.)
Joe is the most important person in your life and he always has been. You barely remember the time before him outside of your dreams. The thought of ever losing him terrifies you.
Maybe there could be more than the already too close, sibling-like friendship. It’s something to think about.
----
So next time you get a bright idea like this, maybe you should spend more time formulating it because the alternative seems to be you and Joe standing in front of the bed as if it might gobble you both up. You glance at him from the corner of your eye and catch him doing the same. Joe looks away quickly and blushes as he scratches the back of his neck a bit.
“Um.” He pauses, grasping for words. “How do you want to…”
You have no idea how to start this. The bed suddenly seems huge and formidable, containing all sorts of expectations you’d never considered before. Knowing that anyone who saw the two of you walking the streets believed you were a couple already seems like it should have prepared you for this. But it didn’t. You are completely unprepared in fact.
Turning your back on the bed, you almost lose your nerve completely. He watches you and seems just as nervous. That’s a comfort, somehow. You’re both fully clothed and yet you feel completely exposed.
“Maybe we shouldn’t-” You look at him and Joe stops, chewing the inside of his mouth a second. “Okay. I know you wanted to just jump into it, but maybe starting small. A kiss?”
You are unbelievably relieved and feel a surge of affection for him. “Yes. Right. That sounds good. I’ll slow down for you, Egbert, since you’re being so silly about this.”
He smiles. And then he just stands there like he’s trying to get his nerve up to kiss you. That’s the way it’s supposed to be, right? He kisses you, the two of you fall madly into bed together, marry some day… Except he’s not doing it and you are tired of waiting.
Joe makes a surprised grunt as you grab his face and drag him down to your own. And then you’re kissing and… Well. You have no idea what is supposed to be special about this. His lips are dry and thin and it’s not really any different than when you’ve kissed his cheek except for the lack of stubble, but when you shift your head a bit, your chin brushes his and that’s kind of ow.
You are determined to really go all out but after a minute or so and nothing else happening, you finally release him. Joe blinks at you and you give him a dirty look.
“Have you not kissed a girl before?” you demand.
“...When would I have had time?”
You throw your hands up. “We’re messing it up! You should have practiced.”
“What- I- why haven’t you?” Joe scowls, flushed and embarrassed as he cups his fingers over the back of his neck and turns away.
Abruptly, Joe just sighs. “I hate to say it, but I don’t think this is going to work.”
“...Yes, I know.”
He pats your shoulder and you nudge him with your elbow, and then the two of you curl up at the window and he reads you Jules Verne as you daydream about a great ship far under the surface of the ocean.
It had been worth a try.