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Jake’s tiny bachelor pad has never felt this uncomfortably big. He is aware that nothing has changed and there’s no reason why it should feel differently than it did a week ago. But it does.
Like last week he is lying in his bed alone but while it had a great size to properly stretch out last week, it feels way to big now. And when he was happy to just have some time to himself after a stressful day at work a week ago, he really craves the presence of another person right now. And although he risks sounding like straight up of a YA-romance novel he would have never thought about the way his heart felt a week ago but now he can’t help but be painfully aware that it feels completely empty.
But although objectively nothing has changed, somehow so much has, because for six glorious days he got a taste of what it is like, being Amy Santiago’s boyfriend.
What it is like to share the bed with her, sometimes cuddled up together talking about everything and nothing, sometimes having stupid-good sex. A taste of what it is like just spending time with her, maybe making out while watching TV after an eventful day at the precinct.
But just as sudden as their relationship began it’s over again.
A sexist jerk of a boss and his threat to demote Jake from his lifelong dream job was all it took.
The worst thing, Jake muses as he lies in bed that night unable to sleep, is that although he would have rather gone down to be a beat cop again than broken up with Amy, she thought differently and Jake knows she broke up with him for his benefit, but he can’t shake the feeling that maybe he wasn’t good enough, once again. And maybe the relationship did not mean as much to her as he thought it did, as much as it meant to him. After all, at least his speech at the funeral must have had an impact on her. Although in hindsight it might have not been the best idea to refer to Amy as his dead boss.
It shouldn’t hurt that much after only six days, but he’s got a nagging feeling that she might have been it for him and he’s blown his one shot at the life he never thought he’d have. Apparently, he was right in thinking that love like that isn’t something that happens to him.
-
The next morning at work is awful.
Of course, Amy is already there when he arrives 15 minutes late (which is, by the way, remarkable considering the small amount of sleep he got last night). She’s sat at her desk filling out some paperwork.
When the elevator announces his arrival, she looks up and meets his eye, but he can’t decipher the look in her eyes, and she looks down again quickly. That’s the closest Jake comes to talking to her that day. She is not hostile, but she avoids Jake and at some point, he’s just glad that he doesn’t have to see her and be reminded of what they had just 24 hours ago, either.
That Charles is on the verge of tears as he realizes what has happened doesn’t help and neither do the surprisingly compassionate looks Rosa shoots him. He’s glad Gina isn’t here; he suspects even she would treat him differently today. Jake tries escaping all of them and ends up eating his lunch on the roof. A pigeon tries stealing some of it and he doesn’t even care.
-
After a few days normality returns, at least to a certain extent. Amy’s still distant and losing her as a friend hurts almost more than losing what they could have had. But Rosa stops showing emotions and Charles manages to distract Jake by bringing in the most disgusting foods. Around a week after The Breakup (it’s the only breakup that really matters to him, it deserves to be capitalized) they’re back at Shaw’s for the first time. Gina had insisted she needed some alcohol after the horror that is apparently the PR department and had ordered everyone to Shaw’s.
When Charles and Terry ask Jake to play darts with them, he’s glad. The way he was sitting in a booth nursing his bottle of beer reminded him too much of similar scenarios. Sitting in a bar trying to get over Amy Santiago while seeing her being seemingly oblivious to his inner heartbreak happens way too often for his taste. Only, it feels so much worse now, knowing what being with her is like.
He loses himself in several competitive games of darts with Charles and Terry and manages to only glance over to where Gina, Amy, and Rosa are sitting at the bar now and then.
Charles asks him how he’s feeling once but Jake manages to avoid answering by actually scoring a bull’s eye. Other than that, they pretend it’s like any night at Shaw’s and Jake is thankful for that.
After several games, two of which Scully and Hitchcock joined before leaving Shaw’s to get something to eat at Wing Slutz instead, Terry leaves to go home to his family and Charles says his goodbyes shortly after. Apparently, he has to get up early the next day although it’s his day off because “Jake, if you want to have Brooklyn’s best calf pork rolls for breakfast you can’t sleep in”.
Not ready to commit to another, probably not very relaxing night (he’s still not sleeping great) Jake trails back to the bar. Rosa has already left but Amy is still there, clinging to Gina’s arm.
When she sees Jake, Gina thrusts Amy into his arms with a short “Here, you take her home. Gotta leave.” and is quick to exit the bar. Maybe he’d overestimated her compassion. But he has other things to concentrate on because Amy is still clinging to him and although it’s a completely different situation, he can’t help but be reminded that this is the first time he’s got her back in his arms since the night before the oh so fateful funeral. But Jake can’t dwell long on that either because Amy is sniffling into his hoodie.
He realizes he’s dealing with Six Drink Amy here (he’d seen her dancing in her stool at the bar during his second game of darts, but he wouldn’t have thought Gina would let her get up to Six Drink Amy yet again). He hesitates for a moment but when she throws her arms around his neck and burrows her face even further into his shoulder, he hugs her closer to his chest.
After standing in the middle of Shaw’s with a mess of Amy in his arms for several minutes he realizes they’re probably drawing a lot of attention to themselves and it’d be smart to do what Gina told him to do in the first place and take her home.
“Amy, I think it’s time to go”, he tries to get her to move enough so that they can make their way out of the bar. He also can’t help but think how he would usually have called her Ames in a situation like this but somehow it feels like that would cross the newly established line between them. On the other hand, so does hugging for several minutes.
She doesn’t withdraw yet, but he feels her nod against his shoulder. After, a bit more prompting she lets go of his neck in favor of his bicep, but it allows him to lead her out of the bar.
“You know, I can just get a cab”, Amy offers, contradicting her strong grip on his arm and as much as he would love to give his heart a break from all these feelings, he’s not entirely sure she’s in a state to find her way up to her apartment on her own even if the cab driver were to let her out directly in front of her apartment building.
That’s why he responds: “No, it’s fine. I didn’t have much too drink. I’ll drive you home.”
She looks at him with a look in her eyes he can’t quite place but then nods.
They make their way to his car that is still parked at the precinct in almost complete silence, but Amy still doesn’t let go off his arm. He can’t help but wonder if there is more to her grip other than trying to stay up right, which, to be honest, she would have a hard time doing without his support.
They are already standing in front of his car when she answers Jake’s unasked question by turning towards him. Amy is suddenly way closer than he expected her to be and she reaches up to cup his face with the hand that is not still resting on his arm. She is leaning in slowly and for a moment Jake is unable to move. Their lips are almost touching when he takes a small step back. The heartbroken look on Amy’s face makes his inner turmoil even worse.
“Amy, not that I don’t want to kiss you, but you’re drunk, and I don’t want you to do anything you regret tomorrow”, he manages to say, a bit dazed.
“You know, I didn’t want us to break up, right?” she asks, sounding surprisingly sober.
Jake is on the verge of answering but Amy beats him to it: “I still like you. It just didn’t seem reasonable that you should have to give up the job you worked so hard for and love so much for a six-day relationship. But I can’t stop thinking where we would be if I had been more selfish.”
Jake’s heart is beating its way out of his chest and he’s very thankful that Amy finally lets go of his arm in order to climb, rather clumsily, into the car.
He’s still thinking about what to respond when he starts driving, but Amy doesn’t seem to expect an answer. She has pulled one leg up onto the seat and is looking out of the window at the passing houses.
If she hadn’t been drunk, he would be over the moon to hear that she still wanted to be with him. But after listening to her crying for two hours and insisting she’d never be happy again because of the, in her opinion, stupid and unfitting ending of one of her favorite book series once, he learnt not to take everything Six Drink Amy says seriously. His brain supplies unhelpfully that he must have been very far gone for her already if he listened to her talk about books of all things for two hours.
So, they spend the ride to her apartment in silence.
When it takes her almost a minute to loosen her seatbelt, he knows he made the right choice in driving her home. Because she’s still swaying so much she’s hardly able to stand on her own and also because he can’t bear the thought of having to go back to the distance between them that seems to have broken away for the first time since the breakup, he walks her up to her apartment. Amy is hanging on to his arm again, but her thoughts seem to be somewhere else entirely. She doesn’t let go once they are in her apartment but rather stumbles into her bedroom dragging Jake behind her.
There she finally releases his arm and lets herself fall face forward onto her bed, still in the pantsuit she wore to work that day.
“Amy, don’t you want to change before you go to sleep?”, Jake tries to prompt her. He knows she won’t be happy to wake up in a crumpled pantsuit with make-up smeared all over her pillows in the next morning. Amy merely grunts. “Ames, come on.” She gives him a look at the use of the nickname that she hasn’t heard for, well for a week, although it feels so much longer, but finally starts taking off her clothes.
Jake decides now would be the right time to get her some wet wipes for the makeup and her toothbrush from the bathroom and leaves her to it. When he comes back with the items, Amy is sitting on her bed in her pajamas, once again seemingly lost in her thoughts. Once he has handed her the wet wipes and the toothbrush, he doesn’t know what to do and he’s finally convinced himself that he should leave now when she announces, sounding a bit like a toddler: “Finished.”
He takes the toothbrush back to her bathroom and throws the used wet wipes in the trash. If he would always return the stuff, he has used to its rightful place instead of dumping it wherever seems convenient, his place would look so much better, he can’t help but think.
He plans on wishing Amy a good night before leaving and steps into her bedroom to do so.
“Stay”, he hears her say quietly as he’s about to leave the room and close the door. She’s looking up to him from where she tucked herself into bed and his heart constricts.
“I can go sleep on the sofa, if you want be to be there when you need something”, he offers way too quickly.
Amy frowns. “You know that’s not what I meant. Please, stay here.” To further demonstrate her point, she shuffles to one side of the bed, to make more room on one side of the bed, the side that became his in the six amazing days and lifts the duvet.
Jake is very well aware what the sensible thing to do would be, but he is also very, painfully may I add, aware of what his heart wants. He gives in, and after shrugging of his jeans and hoodie he slides into bed next to her. Amy doesn’t hesitate to cuddle against his chest. His heart is beating so loud, he’s sure she can hear or at least feel it but even if she does, she doesn’t comment on it.
His thoughts slip back to what Amy said before and he can’t help but wonder if maybe the six drinks didn’t lead to her exaggerating at all but just let her express what she’s actually feeling. God, does he hope that that is the case. “Ames?” He nudges her carefully, but she seems to have fallen asleep already.
Instead of thinking about the mess he will have to face tomorrow, he concentrates on the moment and it doesn’t take long for him to fall asleep as well.
-
The next morning, he wakes up because someone is carefully carding their fingers to his hair. When he opens his eyes, all he sees is a familiar head of dark hair and for a moment he’s sure he’s dreaming. That’s when the memories of last night come back.
“Hi”, Amy whispers.
“Hey”, he answers, “listen about last night, I don’t know if you remember, but…”
“I remember”, Amy interrupts him, “and..”, she swallows, but continues clearly eager to get it out, “and I might not have ambushed you and tried to kiss you like that had I been sober but that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t have wanted to. Plus, I meant what I said. I do regret breaking up with you. And I obviously still like you, a lot.”
Jake heart is, again, going crazy in his chest and he wouldn’t be surprised if he’s got some heart problems after the last 24 hours, but he can’t stop the smile spreading over his face. However, the smile leaves his face almost as quickly when he hears what Amy says next while looking up to him for the first time.
“I still don’t want you to get demoted, though.” It feels like Jake’s heart chooses this moment to stop.
“And I don’t think the Vulture has changed his mind”, she continues.
Jake averts his gaze and blinks a few times to stop some traitorous tears from falling.
“Jake, wait” Amy reaches up to brush the hair out of his face again, “I have changed my mind, though. I was stupid to think it would be easier to break up with you, than lie to the captain. Please don’t let this go to your head: But no captain, especially not a jerk like the Vulture, means as much to me as you do.” She smiles tentatively.
It takes a moment for her words to register but when they do, he stares at Amy disbelievingly.
“I hate you so much. Couldn’t you have led with that?”
Amy laughs and scoots up to kiss him and although his heart is jumping up and down in his chest like crazy, it finally feels full again.