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Jin didn't realise when exactly he started noticing it but it bugged him to no limits. They were almost two weeks into their break and he had been doing everything he had been wanting to do in moments of laziness that were rarely allowed while they were on tour. He had gone fishing with Yoongi, several times, even with Hyunnie hyung. He had been brushing up on his guitar playing skills and catching up on the recent episodes of Running Man and newer k-dramas. And needless to say, he had been penning a few songs here and there, making a few melodies and working on some covers to post on Soundcloud. It all was probably why he missed it for so long but now that he was running out of things to do, he had started realizing that he had been seeing less and less of Namjoon recently. And that bothered him a lot; of course them being on break, visiting their hometowns was probably the main reason why but these days whenever Namjoon was seen online in the groupchat, he almost immediately always logged off. And whenever Jin called him and asked what he had been busy with, he always said that he was reading.
They were in a group video chat when Jin called him out for it. Taehyung was with Yeontan, telling everyone about how he was working out and Jungkook was just snacking all the while Jimin and Hoseok were telling them all about a new secret project they wanted to do. And Namjoon was staring at the screen, without reacting with his usual enthusiasm or wit.
"Are you reading again, Joon-ah?" Jin asked in an annoyed tone, his eyes narrowing in on Namjoon’s face on the laptop screen, not realising he has interrupted Jimin.
Everyone quietened.
Namjoon’s eyes went wide for a second before he sheepishly smiled.
"Yeah. Sorry. I'm closing it now. What was Yoongi-hyung saying?"
"Yoongi-hyung is offline. Is everything alright?" Jimin asked, a little confused as to how Namjoon could have missed the blaring yells from Yoongi about Holly eating something inappropriate that had made him cut the call.
"Oh…"
"Yeah. Oh. I've been noticing that you haven't called us up lately for bike rides or even visited the studio to refine anything you've been working on. And you always say you're reading. What's up?" Jin asked, a little tersely.
But before Namjoon could reply, Hoseok snorted.
"Who wants to bet he's been reading fanfics about us?"
This was answered by silence from Namjoon’s part and beginnings of unbelieving laughs from the maknae line.
"It's true?" Jin asked incredulously and almost in horror, looking at Namjoon hiding his face with his hands.
"Uh...yeah. Jackson sent me a few fanfictions that were in English while we were on tour. And I liked some of them from the few paragraphs I read. I bookmarked them and have been catching up with them. They're really fun, you know? And some of our character's descriptions are so spot on. Most are funnier than we are or more clever. Our ARMY are really something, capable of writing such amazing stories," Namjoon confessed, looking like he was in wonder.
"English? Will you send me some too? I might as well improve while we have free time," Jungkook said and the call was filled with choruses of 'me too's.
Jin's phone pinged with a notification as Namjoon sent a few links in their chatroom. Jin watched as Namjoon enthusiastically sent them link after link to what must have been stories that he really must have liked. Jin tapped on one, hoping the English was simple enough that he could read without having to consult a dictionary after every paragraph he read. He was going through tags, slowly, when Jimin spoke.
"Hyung, send some NamJin ones. I like that ship."
A moment of silence, followed by what closely resembled catcalls were directed at Jimin, who unashamedly grinned.
"Namjin? You mean Namjoon?" Jin asked, genuinely confused as to what Jimin was referring to and what the others were going crazy about and why Namjoon looked like he had broken yet another one of Jin's mugs.
Snorting, Hoseok replied, "Nam-Jin. Made by combining yours and Namjoon’s names. A romantic story with you and Namjoon as lovers. Get it now?"
At that moment, Jin was flustered and sputtering, yelling at Jimin to shut up about it while all of them laughed. It was as if his nightmares were coming true. Namjoon possibly couldn't be reading the same things he would read, could he? They were his guilty pleasure, because he felt happy after reading them and then felt guilty immediately afterwards for even entertaining an idea of something like that happening in real life. Jin was panicking but the others hadn't noticed and they were laughing. And Namjoon slowly laughed along with them, assuring Jimin that he would send the younger his favourite ones. The conversation took another turn after that, discussing ships and teasing filled the call, innuendos flying past, aimed at each other while they all laughed. But not Jin. Jin made an excuse and cut the call, before everyone could say their goodbyes.
Jin tried blocking the fanfiction talk after that but it hardly worked. It was like the time Pokèmon Go had just come out and all of them were talking about it for days on end. Two weeks later and everyone in the chat was progressively getting deeper into the fanfiction hole. Everyone except Jin. He refused to take part in that conversation because he was sure that there was no way he could hide if he started actively trying to reveal himself even if he didn't want to.
YG: why is jackson always throwing parties in these stories?
JK: no idea but they are LIT
JM: kekekekekekekek
JM: yoongi hyung is a good pirate and i am a pretty bird
JM: jk golden hand owo
NJ: jimin-ah are you reading the one with the songbird?
TH: we both are pls don't spoil i haven't finished the third chapter yet
JH: aigoo kookie bad boy killing people u need to be put in jail
NJ: why do i-army think i like feet?
JM: kekekekekekkeke
TH: do you like feet? @jinnie does he like feet?
SJ: @joon i think you like feet
Jin really, really did not want to participate, but at times, the members would drag him into the conversation, tagging him again and again until he replied. He just wanted to be done with the topic of fanfictions. Sure, he was reading some fanfictions in his own time, especially oneshots, that were relatively easier to understand and suitable for his reading pace, but unlike the rest of the members, he was avoiding the ones with ships in them. Because he already had a hard time trying to not think of their leader that way, he didn’t need to actively seek stories that portrayed them to be romantically involved.
Jin had been in love with Namjoon for years and for years he had held back, in fear of destroying their careers, in fear of losing a friend, in fear of Namjoon trying to compensate out of guilt. A lot of things held him back from telling the younger. But there were just some days when Jin would be tired of being the eldest, when he would be tired of feeling the least capable and days when he would just feel so down and despondent and Namjoon would just be there, as if conjured by magic, to lift him up, with his words, his smile, his mere presence. And the younger ones had always called them their dads, who took care of them together and guided them through everything. In moments like those, it was so easy for Jin to blur the lines and just believe that he and Namjoon were something else, something more.
He had always been in-tune with what their fans did, in fact all of Bangtan was constantly checking up with the ARMY and Jin wasn’t new to fanfictions and shipping. He had also come across a lot of posts and edited pictures of him and Namjoon together, with captions talking about how Namjoon looked at Jin with honey eyes. And as much as Jin wanted that to be true, he also knew that he looked at all the other members the same way too. He was okay with it as long as it wasn’t his own band members talking about it constantly, which was what they had been doing for the past few weeks. It almost made him hope.
It was on a rainy day, while Jin was trying to write a couple more lines for a song he was trying to make, that Namjoon called him. Now the thing was, normally Jin wouldn’t think too much when the younger called him. But this time he was on edge because he might have been avoiding talking to the younger one on one in fears that the feelings he had so carefully kept under wraps would resurface. And Namjoon wasn’t one to keep away from confrontations.
“Joon-ah?”
“Hi, hyung. Am I disturbing you? I know you’ve been trying to write something these days,” Namjoon replied and Jin allowed a small smile at that.
“Not really, I couldn’t come up with anything for the past hour so you could say today’s not my day. Anything up? Or you would’ve just texted me,” Jin hoped for the exact opposite, for Namjoon to not bring up how weird Jin had been acting lately.
“Nothing really. Just wanted to hear your voice, I guess. I’ve gotten so used to you being around that it feels lonely being alone, it’s stupid,” Namjoon let out a small laugh, “If you’re free tomorrow, should we go biking?”
Jin’s heart did that thing again; he had almost forgotten what that felt like, the little flip when Namjoon said something like that.
“Sure, I have nothing to do anyway. And it’s not stupid, I’d miss me too,” Jin heard Namjoon laugh at that.
After that, they made plans for the next day and later that evening, Jin finished writing his song.
The next day, Jin woke up really early for their outing. He showered for an extra long period of time, that he justified to himself with excuses that it was in no way related to Namjoon. He made lunch for the two of them and packed them, still reminding himself that this wasn’t any different from any other day the two of them would hang out. And then he cursed at himself for taking more than half an hour choosing what he was going to wear and changed into his ugliest pair of sweatshirt and mismatched pants and shoes so old and worn he decided would be better in the trash, and all this because he was proving a point to himself that he was not trying hard for Namjoon.
Jin panicked when he actually saw Namjoon because he realised how ridiculous he must be looking. Namjoon was waving at him, his bike standing beside him and a few girls, probably highschoolers, were whispering wildly and casting glances at him and Namjoon but thankfully maintaining their distance.
“You look different,” was the first thing Namjoon said to him when they got close enough.
Jin scoffed, “You mean good?”
“You’re always handsome,” Namjoon said with a smile and Jin hated it, hated how those dimples were starting to make him falter once more.
“That I am,” he said and swung his leg around his bicycle and started pedalling ahead without Namjoon.
Namjoon followed easily, and when they started talking, it was normal again. Jin could contain his feelings again, maybe he had only been having withdrawal effects from being away from Namjoon for too long, and maybe the feelings were really and truly gone. Until Namjoon brought up the dreaded topic of fanfictions once more.
“Have you finished reading the fanfictions I sent in the group chat?”
“No...I was reading shorter ones. They’re easier to read and little effort to remember. ARMY are really talented, but the stories are funny,” Jin huffed a laugh.
“They are, but I have been really liking them. Have you read any with us in it? You know, as a couple?”
Jin must have imagined the nerves in Namjoon’s voice because when he looked at the younger, he was the picture of composed and nonchalant.
“Haven’t gotten to it yet. Doesn’t it make you uncomfortable to read about yourself like that?” Jin asked.
He hadn’t realised that Namjoon had stopped pedalling till he was already a few meters ahead.
“What?” Jin asked as he stopped and looked back at the younger.
Namjoon pedalled upto him and stopped beside him.
“If feels okay as long as I’m coupled with you.”
Well, Jin stopped breathing for a second. Then laughed because it was ridiculous, but then stopped laughing when he realised Namjoon wasn’t laughing. Now nervous, Jin looked behind them, their manager about fifty meters away from them, on the lookout for any type of commotion. Jin wanted to yell for help because he might just be in danger right then.
“Hyung, I don’t know if you’ve noticed but I’ve repeatedly stated that I like these fanfictions, with us in it, in love and all...you know. I know you know. I’ve seen you read the ones in korean, all the posts about honey eyes and they’re not wrong really. I really like you, hyung. And I think you like me too?”
Jin was speechless, it was one of those rare moments when he had no words. Namjoon looked almost small, but again, he looked determined and a little scared too, and Jin couldn’t decide if he should cry in happiness or cry in relief. Either way, he wanted to cry a little.
“You aren’t saying anything. Did I read everything wrong?” he asked.
Jin was quick to shake his head.
“I think I’m in shock. I can’t believe you. You’re so dumb, Kim Namjoon. So, so dumb,” he then started smiling a little, then widely.
Namjoon just looked a little confused, maybe a little worried. The park was quiet and there was almost nobody here except the both of them and their manager. It was a beautiful day, a beautiful day indeed.
“Have you ever read anything wrong in your entire life?” Jin replied, his eyes finally meeting Namjoon’s.
“Is that your way of telling me you like me too?” Namjoon looked surprised so Jin did the only thing he could do then. He rode off again, laughing. Namjoon followed, slowly laughing too.
SJ: so i started reading namjin fics
JM: ooooooooooooooooo
JK: kekekekekekeekekkeekkekeekek
TH: kekeke
NJ: i should start writing fanfictions
JH: is it canon then??
SJ: apparently the mutual pining tag had already been canon for a long time
YG: i called it kekekek im going to buy a new synth with all the money i won tonight kekekekek
JM: huyng!!
JM: hyung!!!!!!!!
TH: congratulations!!!!!!
JK: take us out for food
JK: and congratulations.
JK: took jin hyung long enough to admit it too
NJ: uh…….about that
SJ: what
NJ: you never really said you liked me in words, just told me i was right when i asked
SJ: ………
SJ: i like you too
YG: screenshotting this
JM: already did
TH: @yoon brave of you to think you were the only one
JH: what fic is this it’s my favorite namjin fic so far
They laid down on Jin’s bed that evening, Namjoon’s arms wrapped around Jin’s waist and his face buried in the elder’s chest. Namjoon was acutely aware with each rise and fall of Jin’s chest, every breath Jin was taking and instead of feeling shy, he felt grounded by that.
“I need to tell you something,” Jin said, running his hand through Namjoon’s head.
“Hmm? What?”
“I actually have been reading korean namjin fanfictions since the WINGS era. One of them was open in a tab on my phone, pretty sure it was Jimin now. I couldn’t stop reading them,” Jin laughed.
Namjoon pulled back to look Jin in the eyes and then grinned slowly.
“I need to tell you something too. It was me who left the tab open. I was hoping you’d like the idea of us together as much as I did. It worked, didn't it?"
Jin didn't speak for a few moments then he gave up trying to maintain a straight face and laughed. It did work, it worked very well.