Chapter Text
Eren groaned, trying (and failing) to resist the urge to hit his head off of the kitchen counter. "Not this again," He mumbled, lips moving against the marble surface. It tasted mildly of cleaning agent.
Mikasa didn't reply, or act as though she heard him, but there was a distinct increase of force in which the knife struck the chopping board.
"Look, Mikasa," Eren raised his head, sounding tired. In all honesty, he was. They'd had this conversation dozens of times already, and Eren wasn't going to be budged. "You need to stop trying to set me up with your friends, okay?" He hoped he sounded as gentle as he thought he was being.
Judging by the suddeny crestfallen face upon his sister, perhaps maybe he had not.
"But," She mumbled, worrying her bottom lip for a moment before sighing, "I just want you to be happy."
Eren flashed her what he hoped was a reassuring smile - it did seem to ease the lines on her forehead. "But I am happy."
"But you could be happier," Mikasa protested, getting back to the chopping, "Historia is really nice, and extremely pretty, too! She's like a female Armin."
"That- I don't see how that would make me interested." Mikasa shrugged, sliding the carrots into the sauce pan. She pulled some onions toward her, and started peeling.
"Because then it would be like marrying your best friend." Was all she said, plain and simple. Eren didn't groan, but he did realise something horrifying: She wasn't going to relent.
"Mikasa," Eren said, all seriousness, "I cannot get with Historia."
"Why not?" Huffed she, peeling the last of the onion skins.
"Because!" Eren floundered, thinking wildly for some reason as to why he shouldn't - couldn't get with this pretty female Armin look a like named Historia. "I'm- ahhh... getting married!" Oh. Well done, Eren. Yes, tell you're sister you're getting married, why don't you, just to stop her from trying to set you up with some girl from her university.
Congratulations, you have unlocked a new achievement: Total Dumbass, Gold.
Immediately, Eren felt the cold drain from both his body and the room, a complete endothermic reaction. Not only that, but he was certain there were dark shadows hanging around Mikasa.
Absolutely stock still, death glaring Mikasa who had stopped chopping the onions but had yet to release the knife from her ever increasing grip. He was pretty sure he heard it crunch.
"You're getting married." She stated, turning to face Eren. He couldn't decipher her expression, but one thing was clear; this was an insanely stupid plan. He was going to die.
"Ah, er, ahem," Eren cleared his throat, stammering his was through his words, "yes?"
"You're getting married," Repeated Mikasa, who seemed stumped, and Eren would have worried about it, but really, this was Mikasa. "To whom?" She was probably plotting at least a thousand murders that could in no way be traced back to her or to any one legal system.
"Uh-" Think, Jaeger, think! You got yourself into this! Now, quick, who was the last person you text? Oh, that's easy! "Horse face! I mean," Eren stammered, simultaneously screaming and hitting himself inside the head "Jean." He looked at the ground, the walls, the brew pot, at anywhere that wasn't his sister.
"..."
Eren peeked up at her through his hair, and she looked- well, stunned for one, but that quickly morphed into fury, which melted away into confusion, before settling on a cold sort of indifference.
"You're marrying Jean." Was that scepticism? Woah, Mikasa, that's a bit unwarranted.
"Yes?" Eren hedged, straightening himself up. If this lie was going to work, then he had to make it damned believable. He could not afford to be afraid of Mikasa right now. She would kill him.
(She was going to kill him anyway, but that's beside the point.)
"Jean Kirschtein had a crush on me throughout all high school." Mikasa said, admiring the edge of her knife. Eren flinched.
"That was high school, Mikasa, people change." Eren waved his arm about, as if to enforce his point. Mikasa levelled a look at him, dark eyes stony and cold.
"You hate his guts."
Well, she did have a point.
"People change," He repeated, and when she didn't look convinced, added: "Plus, he's not that bad."
Mikasa made a short humming noise, turning around to light the hob so the saucepan could boil.
"Why didn't you tell me you were gay." Eren was caught off guard by the sudden question- no, statement, actually, she wasn't asking him a question, she was accusing him.
"Because I'm not-" Wait. Fuck. You said Jean. Jean is a guy. You are a guy. Guy plus guy equals. Fuck. Why did you have to say Horse face first. Jean could have been a girl's name. Eren was extremely glad she still had his back to him, that she couldn't see the furious blush on his face or the deer caught in the headlights expression.
He was totally screwed. He wasn't even gay. Jean wasn't even gay. This was a mistake. This was a completely new Achievement: Total Dumbass, rank Platinum.
He swallowed, just as Mikasa began to turn around, and blurted out: "Because I'm not really attracted to guys I just really love Jean honestly I think it's just him plus if I'd said anything you might have tried to set me up with some of the guys from your university and they might have been completely against my taste and that would have been awful to have to tell you and them." Blink. Breathe.
Where in heaven's name did that come from?
Mikasa considered him for a moment, and his answer, before asking; "So what is your type?"
"Uh," Eren scratched the back of his neck, suddenly embarrassed. "W-well," He stuttered, "Tall, I guess? And- uh, muscular? But not, like, World's Strongest Man, muscular, just kind of- fit? And, you know..." He trailed off, because he didn't know. He was just trying to describe Jean without sounding like he was trying to describe a pony.
He hoped it worked.
"I see. Well, if it doesn't work out between you and Jean, there's this guy Annie's friends with-"
"Mikasa. " Eren cut across her, glaring slightly. She was shameless.
Mikasa sighed, fixing her one of her 'I'm-actually-pretty-disappointed' looks, and in that moment, Eren felt like a little kid again, like his- their mother had caught him stealing cookies from the cupboard again.
But he shook it off, because, damn it, fake engagement or not, Mikasa should be happy for him.
"I am happy for you. I just want to make sure you're happy." Eren swallowed. Well, people always had said he was easy to read.
"I'm happy." He echoed, voice a little hoarse.
He was doomed. Ha. So, so doomed.
Annie didn't come down stairs until dinner was on the table, and even then, she was silent throughout the meal. Until:
"Eren's getting married." Annie looked up from her plate, gaze flicking from Mikasa to Eren with mild interest.
"Oh?" She sounded, quiet and soft like she always was. Her voice held none of the interest her eyes did. Mikasa nodded,
"To one of his high school friends," She put emphasis on that word, as Eren and Jean had been anything but, "And he's only just told me. I didn't know they were together. I've been trying to set him up with Historia."
"Well," Annie said, giving a small barely noticeable shrug, "I guess that's a good thing. Historia's actually seeing Ymir."
Annie didn't say anything for the rest of the meal, and neither did Mikasa. Though that was kind of because she was staring at Annie with some kind of horrific-slash-appalled expression, as though Annie had summoned the devil right there in the living room.
Eren helped wash up, and left as promptly as he could, diverting any and all questions from Mikasa about his relationship and impending marriage to Jean towards his watch, with a profound exclamation of "Would you look at the time!?"
As soon as he left Mikasa's house, he sent Jean a text.
15:03, Tues, 29th Aug, 2014
To: Horse face
Message: i fucKED UP REALLY BAD GET UR ASS TO MY HOUSE RN AND DONT SPEAK TO MIKASA
And then, for good measure, he sent one to Armin, too.
15:03, Tues, 29th Aug, 2014
To: Armin Arlert
Message: buy some of the best beer possible i'm coming to yours and getting absolutely shitfaced okay we're having a bro's night and there's nothing you can do abou
Message 2: t it bcos i just made the worst mistake of my life and i need to forget about it