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Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd was the drum major for Fòdlan High’s very own marching band. This position, however, was not as glamorous as he had been led to think.
For example: Jeralt Eisner was a man known for his hardass ways. If anyone was off step, they would promptly be called out. If someone forgot water, they would probably be dehydrated, crying on the field after rehearsal ended.
Dimitri was extremely anxious the entire time he stood on a podium. After every practice, Claude or Edelgard would remark on his tense posture while directing.
He could only look over his shoulder, making sure that Eisner wasn’t there.
A few times his assistant, Byleth, was—which was made all the creepier by that blank, yet calculating stare they would give the trio.
After this game (Fódlan of course losing to Almyran High by over 21 points), Dimitri found himself relaxing. It was the last football game that would be played for that year—this meant no more late-night evenings spent with sore arms. However, it also meant no more late nights spent in various restaurants joking around with Edelgard and Claude.
And that was sad.
Coupled with the fact that they were seniors, and they would be leaving to different colleges after the next semester, Dimitri was a very sad teenager. Sadder than most, at least.
However, Dedue’s family was very inviting, if not loving… but there was a hole that his father and stepmother’s death had left. A hole that festered and turned black on the edges.
For now, that hole could be filled with Whataburger.
The large orange and white triangles that framed the exterior of the building were strangely comforting, bringing back memories of a time when they didn’t have to worry about life after high school.
Dimitri shook off that thought, instead choosing to enter. He immediately scanned the fast food joint before spotting Edelgard and Claude tucked into their signature orange plastic booth.
“God, it’s about time,” huffed Edelgard. She would have seemed perfectly serious to those who weren’t close to her, but Dimitri could see the amusement that danced in her lavender eyes.
Claude laughed and slung an arm around Dimitri, pulling him into an awkward side hug. “It’s not his fault the freshmen want pics with the senior drum major,” he paused, looking at Dimitri, an eyebrow raised. Dimitri idly realized they were very close. “It isn’t the worst having to pose with a few cute girls…”
Dimitri flushed. “Come on man, you saw how Dorothea was acting. She keeps getting in my personal space and—”
“That’s literally how she gets most of her guys, you just have to keep pushing her away until she gets the message,” Edelgard added. Dorothea was a girl she had known for a long time, and they were often partners in their science classes, when the option arose.
Claude nodded. “Plus, you gotta feel kinda special. The guy who last got her was Glenn, and we all know how you felt about him…”
Once again, Dimitri flushed. This time out of sheer embarrassment—he had harbored a long-time crush on his good friend Felix’s older brother, one that had been (apparently) extremely obvious. He had never lived it down.
“Oh be quiet, that’s even worse!”
All three laughed, stopping when the server walked up holding someone’s order.
“Are any of y’all number 57—oh hey! Claude!”
The boy in question would have groaned If it wouldn’t have been relatively rude. “What’s up Hilda?”
She slid into the booth next to Edelgard, pushing the girl over to the side. She looked frazzled and pretty angry, but didn’t care to voice her displeasure.
“Are you invited to the party later?”
Without answering, the trio shared a look.
“What party?” Claude asked. He was the one out of the three who regularly attended when invited, and was pretty infamous for his skills when mixing certain drinks. No one would have guessed it, but Dimitri and Edelgard were the main reason he had the practice necessary to become good at it.
“You know… the one that Sylvain is having? At Felix’s house?”
Dimitri knew the one.
Every year, Felix’s father took a business trip that took nearly a month, and during that time Glenn would still be at college. Sylvain had begged their sophomore year to hold a “last football game” party to celebrate the team’s continued placement as one of the okayest schools in the district.
As Dimtiri was the one who was close to Felix and Sylvain, Claude stared at him.
“Um… yeah, we’re always invited. Are you going?” Dimitri asked awkwardly.
“Of course, silly! We’re seniors, we have to go!”
Sighing heavily, Dimtiri had to concede. “Yeah… we really do, huh…”
“Don’t sound so put out about it Dima!” Claude winked. “This is our last chance to party hard before getting serious.”
“Claude, you sound like every generic high school movie,” Edelgard stated. She didn’t really care either way, just wanting to do something that didn’t involve convoluted school politics with Hubert.
“Hell yeah, that’s what I was aiming for. Anyways, thanks Hilda, we’ll be there.”
Hilda twirled her ponytail before sauntering off and delivering the lukewarm burger to an annoyed customer.
“Dude, we absolutely have to go now!” Claude said rather loudly. His eyes were bright with excitement.
Dimitri groaned and put his head in his arms on the table. For a while now, he’d had some sort of weird feud going on with Lorenz. He wished to say it was mostly, one-sided, but it was not.
Since their junior year, when Dimitri joined the football team like Sylvain had begged him to, Lorenz had taken it upon himself to outdo Dimitri in every way.
When Dimitri joined the powerlifting team their second semester, so did Lorenz.
But when he directed at a football game while still in his uniform, there was a sort of smugness that Dimitri felt (and squashed down) by seeing Lorenz on the sidelines fuming.
So, when the Sylvain told him the other day that Lorenz was helping with the party, Dimitri immediately knew he could not attend.
However, that was all out the window now. With Claude already coaxing Edelgard into attending with them, Dimitri had no choice but to go. This also meant driving with both of them in the car, a feat in itself that took immense willpower. Dimitri sighed and sat up, giving Edelgard and Claude the fakest smile he could muster: “This’ll be fun!”
45 minutes later, the car smelling of Whataburger fries, Dimitri wanted to smash his head into the window. Sometime during the 20-minute drive Claude had turned around in his seat and started an argument with Edelgard. He had taken the headrest off the seat to properly argue, something that annoyed Dimitri to no end. He understood that it was broken, but that didn’t mean you could keep taking it off.
His only saving grace was the occasional instance in which Claude stretched further over the seat, exposing that sliver of skin underneath his shirt that made Dimitri feel as if he was without words.
He would immediately turn away, however, and hope to Sothis that no one could see him blushing.
It happened often. Each time, Dimitri couldn’t bring himself to meet Claude’s eyes. These crushes he had were always something he was ashamed of. He knew that there was something self-destructive about his tendencies to push down the truth of who he is, but sometimes holding things back is all he could do to keep himself from breaking.
That stemmed from many things. For one, he knew his parents wouldn’t have approved of who he liked. Dimitri, in his dreams, could already see the disappointment hidden behind their eyes. He lived to be who they wanted him to be.
Dimitri was wrenched back to the present by a raindrop landing on his windshield.
“Shit, it’s raining.”
“Uh, yeah, Dima. We commented on that earlier.”
Dimitri rolled his eyes at Claude’s comment. “After a while I just drown y’all out, honestly…”
Edelgard sighed in the backseat. “God, I wish I could do that.”
To stop another argument from breaking out, Dimitri loudly announced that they were finally at Felix’s house.
“Finally!” Claude apparently hadn’t had his seat belt on, and leapt out of the car to stretch. Dimitri put the car in park before getting out himself, admittedly at a much slower pace.
He stepped out at the same time as Edelgard. He glanced at her, seeing her stony face, and he knew that if he could read her mind she’d be cursing him at this moment. Claude was a people person at these sort of parties, and it would most likely be Edelgard’s job to drag him out by the collar after Dimitri got stoned out of his mind.
Deciding he needed that high as soon as possible, Dimitri made his way past the people in the front of Felix’s property. Most were under the covered driveway, dancing to the beat of a song he didn’t recognize, and most held sodas and cups in their hands that Dimitri knew contained alcohol. A few people greeted him as he walked by, forcing an awkward smile out of him before he passed them.
He opened the door that led into the front of Felix’s house and came face-to-face to Sylvain. The red-head took a while to recognize him, obviously already a few drags into a session.
“Dude! You’re finally here! Come with me, Felix is holed up in his room and refuses to share my weed. I mean, I bought it, and I’m being nice, he should at least take a drag!”
Sylvain kept rambling about Felix until they made it up the stairs. Dimitri really was getting much better at ignoring his friends.
Turning the corner by the stairs, Dimitri saw Felix scowling. He was seated in an arm chair in the corner of his room, covered in a thick blanket, still in his football uniform.
Sylvain caught Dimitri’s eye and tossed his head as if saying “see?”. And he did see.
Dimitri honestly didn’t care for Felix’s moods sometimes. “This is your party Felix… lets go smoke or something.”
Of course, Felix did not stir. Instead, he sunk lower in the chair and narrowed his eyes at Sylvain and Dimitri.
“I have no idea how y’all made me do this. I fucking hate people.”
“Yeah, and? We know. That isn’t new. How about we go and grab some food and get fucked up?”
Grudgingly, Felix dropped the blanket and stood He pointed a finger at Sylvain.
“We’re using yours. And Dima, you’re getting the food. I don’t give a shit what it is, as long as it isn’t that cake Lysithea always brings. It’s good, but not that good.”
Coincidentally, Lysithea had been walking past, probably on her way to the bathroom.
“Oh, fuck off Felix.”
Sylvain laughed, before leaving in an attempt to find an unused room. Felix hated the smell that weed left in a room, and always refused to smoke in there despite the fact that he could cover it up.
As Dimitri stepped out of the room, Felix gave him the stink eye. Dimitri shot back a shit-eating grin before he turned around. It immediately dropped. There was still a sort of anxiety that Dimitri could not get rid of. It hung around him like a haze of fog, affecting the way he interacted with others. He knew most wouldn’t notice, but the few that did would probably ask him about. And those questions made the anxiety worse.
He managed to avoid conversation as he descended the stairs, but as soon as he entered the kitchen there was a familiar voice calling him over.
“Dimitri! Have you met Petra? She’s a senior too! She’s in… you said you were in band, right?” Dorothea was outfitted in the cheerleader’s uniform still.
Petra spoke, and there was an accent in her voice that Dimitri couldn’t place. “Oh, yes! I am… still learning my dots? Is that how you say it here?”
Dimitri smiled at her, a real one. “Yeah, you got it. Are you planning to stay all year, even into concert season?”
She nodded vigorously; dark purple hair tied back in a braid bobbing with her movements. ”Yes, yes! I am excited to be in your band. I have heard how you play. It is exciting!”
“What instrument did you say you play, Petra?” Dorothea asked.
“Euphonium. I was… good, at least at Brigid High.”
“That’s great! Maybe we can get Caspar to show you the ropes later. Right, Dorothea?” Dimitri asked, pointedly at the girl. After she sighed and nodded (she had an awkward relationship with Caspar), Dimitri said goodbye and left.
In the kitchen, purposefully ignoring the people gathered around the counter, he grabbed a bowl of chips and a few drinks out of a cooler that was leaking onto the floor.
A few minutes later he found himself in a room alone with Felix and Sylvain. He breathed a sigh of relief, most of the tension in his body flooding away as he relaxed in their presence.
“Are we doing this, or…?”
Sylvain rolled his eyes, focusing on the joint in his hand. When he finished it (making sure it was lit), he handed it to Dimitri.
Taking a deep breath, Dimitri relaxed even further, smiling. “Dude, I’ve been waiting for this since last week. I’ve been so stressed.”
Felix took the joint Dimitri offered him. “Yeah, we know. We saw how much you looked like you wanted to die when you were forced to take pictures,” he said.
“I would kill to be in your place, Dima! Seriously, you need to just loosen up,” Sylvain added.
“Please take my place, Sylvain. I’ll beg.” Dimitri said vindictively.
“Hey. I just want the photos. Having to regularly interact with Mr. Eisner? Fuck that.”
They trio laughed, lapsing into a comfortable silence as they passed their joint around. Felix was the first to break formation, grabbing a bottle Dimitri had brought and inspecting it.
“Ugh. Ferdinand brought this? You know I hate his family’s stuff.” Felix opened it anyway, producing a bottle opener out of nowhere. Interestingly, the bottle opener he used was shaped like a knife. It suited Felix.
“You know that’s all he’ll bring… and hey, if we butter up him and his dad enough? Free booze!” Sylvain laughed.
Dimitri stood up, a little wobbly due to the fact he had probably taken more drags than the other two combined. “I need to piss. I’ll be back in a bit.”
Felix waved him off, a little too fascinated with his hands at the moment.
So Dimitri set off through the door and down the hall. It was fairly large, multiple doorways wide open leading to rooms. Each glimpse through a doorway saw more than a few people in each, a couple usually getting it on, too.
He walked quickly past those.
As he finally reached the bathroom (one of many, but this is the one he liked using most often. It was somewhat secluded), he saw it was occupied. Annoyed, he knocked on the door, “Can you please hurry the hell up? I gotta—”
There was a distinctly female yelp behind the door, but a male voice answered. “Uh, yeah, sorry dude, we’ll be out…”
That voice was Claude. Dimitri briefly felt something dark twist inside him, but pushed it down as hard as he possibly could.
The doorknob turned and Claude stepped out, Hilda in tow. Her face was flushed, her eyes alight.
Dimitri smiled the fakest smile he had ever smiled. He met Claude’s eyes. There was confusion at Dimitri’s reaction, and after a second some sort of realization dawned.
Claude opened his mouth as if to say something, but was tugged away by Hilda, who glanced back at him questioningly.
Dimitri immediately rushed into the bathroom, slamming the door shut and locking it. He then sank onto the edge of the bathtub, momentarily forgetting about why he was there in the first place.
Emotion surged up and around Dimitri, the (imaginary?) voices of others drowning out his own.
Why couldn’t act on time when he felt this way? (it was because his family wouldn’t approve)
Why couldn’t he say what he felt? (it was because he’d never had a voice of his own)
Why couldn’t he just do things right? (he does. he just can’t see it)
He would have succumbed to an episode if not for the scream of the cicadas outside. They were loud. The trees were alive with them, signaling that summer was coming to an end, just as they had every year. But this sound, coupled with the pounding of music coming from underneath him, grounded Dimitri in the present.
It also somewhat numbed him.
But a few minutes later Dimitri exited the bathroom, deciding to ignore everything—including the voices that wanted him to break down.
Sylvain and Felix were seated on the ground, the darker haired of the two sipping from a bottle.
Sylvain greeted Dimitri, “Hey dude, you just missed Lorenz… he tried to smoke with us but we said hell no.”
“Thank god. I don’t think I can handle him right now.”
Felix snorted. “More like he can’t handle you.”
“I think you should just fight him,” Sylvain stated.
“I feel like if Dimitri fought someone right now he’d just fucking… snap,” Felix said. He was kinda right.
Dimitri snorted and plopped down on the ground next to Felix. “You’re absolutely right. Anyways, I could take him…”
Conversation flowed easily between the three like this for a while longer. Dimitri’s high was fading as time wore on, so he finally cracked open one of the beers he had brought from downstairs. It was at that awkward temperature between cold and lukewarm, but he was desperate for anything to keep his mind slow.
As he had acknowledged many times before, Dimitri was grateful for the fact he didn’t have to try with Sylvain and Felix. They all understood each other—it was simple. These interactions didn’t come so easily to him. It was one of the many things he admired about Claude, one of the things he had commented on before as well.
Claude had simply shrugged, saying “it came with who he was.”
Dimitri hadn’t really understood, but he let it go.
Thinking about this now was painful, so Dimitri powered through another bottle. This time, he finally felt a buzz, and grinned into another gulp.
“Dude, you’re going pretty heavy. Is everything good?” Felix asked. His voice was tinged with concern, or, at least that’s what Dimitri heard.
Dimitri lied easily, “Yeah… like I said earlier, I’m just stressed.”
“You know what’s a good stress reliever? Fights. You should fight Lorenz.”
Felix immediately objected to that, being the voice of reason in the trio. “Wait, hold on—”
“You know what? Yeah. It’s about goddamn time,” Dimitri announced, standing up. He cracked his knuckles, seeing a strange look wash over Felix’s face.
Said boy changed his mind as soon as Dimitri stood. “Okay… let’s see how this goes.” His voice had an odd lilt to it that Dimitri didn’t notice. Rather, he was too focused on his plan, which (so far) was:
1. Confront Lorenz
2. Fight
3. Win
At the moment, he figured it was all he needed.
Sylvain seemed more joyous than he should be, while Felix looked as if he was on a death march. As they descended the stairs—Sylvain winking at various girls along the way—Felix surveyed the damaged to his house. Under his breath, he began to mutter.
Dimitri heard something along the lines of “holy shit my dad is going to kill me,” and honestly? It was a very real possibility. However, that is then and this is now.
Lorenz’s styled hair and tall, somewhat lanky frame was easily spotted in the crowded kitchen. There were a few people surrounding him, each looking as if they wished to be somewhere else, or maybe like they just wanted Lorenz to stop talking about himself.
Sylvain honestly looked a bit nervous now, but Dimitri was fueled on by not only rage, but that despairing emotion one gets after having a breakdown.
“Lorenz, what the fuck is your problem?” Dimitri asked in a very un-calm voice.
The purple-haired benchwarmer looked up in surprise, then narrowed his eyes at Dimitri.
“You, obviously. You walk around like you just own the school, like everyone is beneath you, like—”
For the next few days, Dimitri would deny throwing the first punch. There would be undeniable proof, however, in the form of a video set to the tune of some trap song that would circulate the school for the next year.
But at the moment, all that is on both Dimitri and Lorenz’s mind is a single sentence: “I need to hurt this bitch.”
The fight really only lasted a minute or so. It ended by Felix managing to haul Dimitri off of Lorenz, who lay panting on the floor.
There was blood on Dimitri’s hand, and by the sight of Lorenz’s not-so-straight nose, it was easy to tell who it came from.
“Holy shit Dima, what happened?”
Claude’s voice was the only one that filtered all the noise out. Suddenly, the world shrunk into focus, and all he could hear were the voices.
What had he just done?
Why had he done it?
This time, there was no voice answering those questions. And as a response, instead of facing it all, Dimitri ran. As he had always done.
Out the door and to his car. When no one followed him, Dimitri finally let his body collapse into sobs, each racking his body with pain. He couldn’t seem to stop the tears either, covering his eyes in a pitiful attempt to try and hide himself.
His cries were the kind that were loud and unstoppable, he would need to gasp in order to get air into his lungs. He was helpless in that moment.
However, there was a knock at his car door. He was too slow to lock the door before it opened.
Claude slid into the passenger seat.
Immediately, Dimitri’s sobs became softer (as they do in another person’s presence), less heaving and more choking.
Claude touched his back. Dimitri flinched, Claude withdrawing his hand and adopting a more concerned look on his face.
“What do you need to say?”
That was something Dimitri needed time to think about. Claude sat by for as long as it took Dimitri to calm down, a constant and steady companion.
It took more time than it had ever needed to before, yet he finally found his words.
“I’ve felt nothing about most things for so long… but all of a sudden I see something or do something and it all comes crashing down,” Dimitri took a deep breath before going on. “I don’t know why or how, but every little thing I do? It feels like my parents are watching and telling me that I can’t ever be who I want to be…
They stay for hours, always whispering that there’s so much I don’t deserve in life. You remember Glenn? That stupid crush I had? The first night I was laughed at I went home and wanted to die. These voices, my parents, told me I hadn’t deserved their love, and I sure as hell didn’t deserve anybody else’s. I believed that for so long…”
Claude finally looked Dimitri in the eyes.
“It must have taken a lot to say that out loud,” he started, voice soft. “I’m not sure if what I say can really help, but, Edelgard, me… hell, Felix and Sylvain, even Dorothea and Dedue… We love you. We love you so much. In hard times it might seem like that was a lie, but I mean it as much as I possibly can.”
Dimitri’s eyes filled with tears again. This time, they weren’t the kind that burned and threatened to become uncontrollable. Rather, these were relief. These meant that for once in his life, he believed that he might deserve the attention and love of another person.
He didn’t know if he could say anything to hold up to what Claude just said, but in a fit of “maybe I can do this,” Dimitri grabbed the other’s hand.
There was no flinch. There was no jerk to take his hand back. Instead, Dimitri glanced up to see Claude with a small smile on his face.
“I’ve known you for a long time, Dimitri.”
“W-what do you mean?” His voice wasn’t strong, and had cracked.
“I mean, I’ve known how you hide most of what you feel away. I know that there was something you kept from us, but… I always hoped,” he paused, looking away from Dimitri. “I always hoped you might like me in the same way I like you.”
The silence wasn’t thick necessarily, but it wasn’t tense either. It was a comfortable one, in which they both knew what the other would say next.
“I—” Dimitri started, before being gently cut off by Claude.
“You deserve my love, Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd.”
Claude squeezed his hand, and a soft feeling fluttered in Dimitri’s chest. He didn’t hear any voice but his own for the next few seconds.
“I think I’d like that.”