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Namjoon tells Yoongi that he loves him somewhere over the Atlantic Ocean.
They're flying from Sao Paulo to who even knows where, Namjoon had stopped keeping track somewhere around Chicago. At this point he just goes where he's told, letting the phalanx of managers and staff herd him, trusting that they'll get him to the right destination.
Touring is always tiring, but this tour feels different. Maybe it's because they haven't had a proper break in over a year, everyone so eager to capitalize on their success. He keeps expecting it to hit a ceiling, but it never does. Maybe they'll land and he'll be told they've broken another record. As terrible as it sounds, it's stopped meaning anything, just words that fail to pierce through the haze of exhaustion.
Everyone else is asleep, the other members and their managers taking advantage of the long flight to get some rest. That's what they should be doing too, but instead they're curled on their sides facing each other, voices hushed as they trade secrets.
"Junwoo is dating one of the stylist noonas," Yoongi says, mischief tucked into the corner of his mouth as it lifts in a tiny smile.
Namjoon laughs, biting his lip to try and muffle the sound. "No!"
"Yup. I caught them making out in an empty studio last month. I opened the door and bam, there they were. I just closed the door and walked away. I don’t even know if they noticed me.”
“Wow, who knew Junwoo had it in him,” Namjoon says, thinking of the normally shy back up dancer.
“Remember when Jungkook had a crush on that makeup noona, back right after we debuted?”
“Oh my god, he would blush any time she tried to do his makeup, we kept having to switch with him.”
They laugh harder than they should, the lack of sleep fuelling their giddiness. Any time they start to get themselves under control, they make eye contact and set each other off into another round of giggling.
“Okay,” Yoongi says, wiping tears from his eyes. “Your turn. Gimme a secret.”
There are a number of things he could tell Yoongi. Two weeks ago he broke a four hundred dollar figure taking it out of it’s box. Last month he butt dialled Halsey. He’s the one who ate Hoseok’s shrimp crackers that he spent weeks whining about. There are so many trivial secrets that Namjoon can offer up that’ll get Yoongi laughing again.
The silence stretches on, Yoongi looking at him expectantly, and instead of saying anything Namjoon looks back. He takes in the softness of Yoongi’s cheeks, an inevitability when they’re touring that Yoongi will whine about later. He takes in the pink of his lips, chapped from the dry, airplane air. He takes in the fondness in Yoongi’s eyes, there even as he blinks sleepily at Namjoon.
There are so many other things he could say, that he should say, but in that moment Namjoon can’t help but lay bare this secret he’s carried with him for so long.
“I still love you.”
The words fall into the space between them, and suddenly they’re out in the world, instead of tucked close by Namjoon’s heart.
The surprise on Yoongi's face is almost funny, his jaw hanging open, pretty pink lips parted in an O.
"Namjoon-ah."
He doesn't say anything else, just Namjoon's name, the same way he's said it countless times in the years they've known each other.
Namjoon still remembers the first time they kissed, drunk as they had been on soju one of the other trainees had smuggled into the dorms. Yoongi had won it from him in a game of cards and he'd been generous enough to share with Namjoon. It had been right around the time that they had started to figure themselves out, learning how to have a conversation that didn't devolve into a fight.
They'd both tasted like alcohol and desperation. The only other person Namjoon had kissed before then had been his middle school girlfriend, and it had been nothing like this. That had been carefully planned out, spending an evening holding her hand through a mediocre movie before being allowed to kiss her in a park by the theatre while they waited for their parents to pick them up.
With Yoongi he hadn't seen it coming. They had been laughing and then suddenly Yoongi's had leaned in and brushed his lips against Namjoon's. When he'd pulled away, he'd looked at Namjoon with wide, scared eyes. That is until Namjoon had pulled him back in to kiss him properly. He'd made a sound of surprise against Namjoon's mouth, as if he hadn't expected Namjoon to reciprocate, to want it too, this thing they were told they weren't allowed to want.
"Joon-ah," Yoongi says again. "Look at me." Namjoon doesn't realize he's squeezed his eyes shut until Yoongi is asking him to open them.
"I don't want to," Namjoon says, feeling like a child.
"Namjoon please."
Namjoon opens his eyes and he half expects things to be different, for this secret to have changed everything. It's always felt huge, taking up so much space in his chest that sometimes it felt hard to breathe. But it's the same Yoongi looking back at him, bare faced and beautiful.
"What's changed?" Yoongi asks.
"Hyung-"
"It was a risk. That's what we said before. We were betting everything on Bangtan, and we didn't want to risk that for anything."
"We were right," Namjoon says. "I don't regret it. Maybe that's the wrong thing to say, but I don't. Who knows what would have happened if we had stayed together. Maybe the pressure might have gotten too much and we would have broken up anyway, but ruined the group dynamic while we were at it. Maybe we would have been fine. Maybe we would have gotten caught and ruined everything for everyone. I don't know, but I don't regret having you in my life for the last seven years as a friend, as a member."
"And now the stakes are even higher," Yoongi says, "The whole world is watching us. For fuck's sake, we've met the President! Everything we thought could go wrong before, it's exponentially worse now."
"What's it all for, hyung?" Namjoon asks.
"What?"
"What's the point of doing all this, the world tours and the number ones and all these fucking records, what does it matter if I can't tell the person I love that I love him."
"Don't," Yoongi says, voice breaking with emotion. "Don't put it on me to be the bad guy, to be the rational one. That's not fair. We decided together before we even debuted, we said Bangtan always comes first."
Namjoon swallows passed the lump in his throat. "I know. I'm sorry. I'm not expecting anything, I just got tired of keeping it a secret. We have enough secrets between the two of us, don't you think?"
"Namjoon-ah-"
"I'm going to try and get some sleep," Namjoon says, turning so he's lying on his back. "Just..just forget it hyung. I shouldn't have brought it up."
He closes his eyes but he can still feel Yoongi watching him. He's tempted to wake someone up and ask them to switch seats, but he doesn't want to bother anyone else. He doesn't expect to be able to fall asleep like that, but it's a testament to how tired he is that he ends up drifting off.
He wakes an indeterminate amount of time later, the cabin still dark and quiet. He feels groggy and somehow more tired than before, his thoughts stuck in molasses. He checks his phone for the time but it doesn't help since it's still on Brazil time and god knows what timezone they're in now.
"We've still got five hours left," Yoongi whispers from beside him.
Namjoon startles, turning to look where Yoongi is still on his side facing him.
"You should probably sleep more," Yoongi continues. "No one else is up."
"Why aren't you sleeping hyung?" Namjoon mumbles, pulling the airline blanket up to his chin and snuggling into his seat.
"I've got a lot on my mind," Yoongi says wryly.
"M'sorry."
"Not your fault. I mean, I'd be a hypocrite if I got mad at you for...you know."
It takes a moment for Namjoon's sleep addled brain to process that. "What?"
"I love you too. I always have."
"Hyung-"
"I thought about what you said. You're right, what are we doing this for if I can't even tell you that?"
"Where does that put us, hyung?" Namjoon asks. "What does this mean?"
Yoongi reaches over and takes Namjoon's hand. "It means that right now, you're going to go back to sleep. And then you'll wake up and we'll land, and then we'll figure this out together."
Namjoon smiles, lifting their joined hands to press a kiss to Yoongi's knuckles. "Together."
Yoongi laughs. "Go to sleep, you sap."
Namjoon's eyes are already slipping closed as he says, "Love you, hyung."
"Love you too, Joon-ah."
Namjoon falls asleep easily after that, Yoongi's hand held securely in his.