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It’s Minhyuk’s fault.
It’s his fault and they all know it.
Every time he closes his eyes he can still feel shards of glass and scraps of metal piercing his skin, ripping him open. He can feel the dizziness, the pounding in his skull, can feel the world spinning around him, literally and figuratively, as he’s desperately reaching out to grab onto something, anything to steady him and just make it all stop.
Every time he tries to sleep, he can still feel Kihyun’s weight on his shoulder, dragging him down. He can feel his feet burning from exertion, blood oozing from his wounds. He can feel the scream building in his throat, filled with blood, but no sounds leaving his mouth.
He can still feel his legs buckling, knees giving out underneath him, and the salty tears trickling down his face, seeping into the bloody cuts on his cheeks and burning there, as if he was being branded by scalding iron.
He can still feel the desperation and helplessness as he looks into Kihyun’s face and sees the mess of cuts and bruises and, worst of all, the blood trickling out from behind his best friend’s closed eyelids.
He still remembers wanting to scream and and shout and cry out and do something.
Minhyuk has barely slept since it happened, but that’s okay. It’s what he deserves, after all.
It’s his own fault.
-
When Hyunwoo’s fist hits his face, it hurts less than Jooheon’s violent screams and Hoseok’s quiet accusations.
In fact, he hardly feels the impact, both of the hand coming in contact with his face and of his own body hitting the ground.
The grass is soft under his fingers and tickles the sensitive skin of his palm.
The grass is red. Everything is tinged in red, Minhyuk’s hands, his sweater, Kihyun’s face, Kihyun’s favorite jacket.
Minhyuk wants to scream again, but he can’t, can’t do anything but gurgle pathetically as Kihyun’s eyes open, and they’re red too, filled to the brim with blood, not a trace left of the warm and soft brown that belongs there, that should be there.
Another slap to his face, the other cheek this time, brings him back to the present.
“Minhyuk.”
He looks up, into the faces of his friends, all of them looking down at him with familiar expressions.
Hyunwoo looks like he always does, these days, disappointed and angry.
Hoseok regards him with silent contempt and the thinly veiled fury in Jooheon’s face is no surprise either.
So he did something wrong again.
That happens a lot nowadays.
He scrambles to get up, some of his stitches ripping at the sudden movement and he hopes the pain that shoots through him like lightning doesn’t show on his face.
He doesn’t deserve to complain about any of this, he’s should feel grateful that he’s even still here.
That’s what they say and they’re right.
“As much as I don’t understand it,” Hoseok begins, disdain clearly visible on his face, “Kihyun asked to see you.”
Minhyuk winces at his choice of words and Hoseok looks like he also realized what he’d said as soon as the words had left his mouth, judging by the pained look on his face.
Hyunwoo clears his throat.
“He wants to meet you,” he corrects him, gently putting a hand on Hoseok’s shoulder.
That’s when the words start to sink in.
Cold panic seeps through every fiber of his body in an instant and he’s starting to back away before he can even think about anything else.
This can’t be happening.
No way. No way in hell. They’re playing some kind of cruel joke on him.
The man whose life he ruined, the man he almost killed wants to meet him?
No.
Minhyuk is running before he’s even thinking about it, the others’ screams behind him barely even registering in his brain, their voices drowned out by the static in his mind.
He can’t do this, he can’t do this, he can’t.
-
He ends up at the cliffs again.
They used to come here often, the seven of them merrily climbing up the steep paths, bringing blankets and snacks with them to watch the stars on clear nights or watch the waves crash against the rocks several miles beneath them on hot days.
That was before.
Now, it’s only him who still comes here, alone.
Or maybe the others still come here too, but he’s barely with them anymore, so he doesn’t know.
He can deal with Hyunwoo’s fists, and Jooheon’s anger and Hoseok’s disgust.
It hurts like hell, because they were his friends and he doesn’t want them to hate him, but he can deal with it because he knows it’s what he deserves.
What he can’t bear is Hyungwon’s soft embraces and pitying glances and Changkyun’s stubborn reassurances.
They keep telling him it wasn’t his fault and they’re wrong wrong wrong but they won’t stop telling him these dirty rotten lies that hurt so much because he wants nothing more than to believe them but knows he can’t, isn’t allowed to.
It was his fault, he was the one that didn’t pay attention, he was the one that wasn’t strong enough to carry Kihyun further and he was the one that broke down in front of the hospital way too early.
Minhyuk sits down at the enge of the cliff, the jagged rocks digging into his skin like the splintering glass shards of the windshield. His breath is as shaky as his hands are as he stares down at the ocean with empty eyes.
His tears begin to fall and slowly become one with the water of the sea.
-
He doesn’t know how long he’s been sitting there but when he feels a warm hand on his shoulder and hears a deep, soothing voice from behind him, he slowly starts coming back to reality.
His back aches from the cramped position he’s been in for a while, judging from the way the sky has darkened a bit by now, and he’s shivering from the evening cold. The rocks have dug into his skin and left new scratches there, but he doesn’t mind. It’s not like he isn’t used to a bit of pain by now.
When he turns around to look at who disturbed his blissful numbness, he’s instantly enveloped in a tight hug by Changkyun. Minhyuk freezes and Changkyun pulls back immediately, an apologetic and sad smile on his face.
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done that,” the younger says quietly, scooting a bit closer to Minhyuk so that he can sit on the edge next to him, but without touching him this time.
They sit together in silence.
“Were you thinking of jumping again?”
Minhyuk shakes his head in resignation. He can hear the silent sigh of relief next to him and feels Changkyun’s shoulders relax a little.
It’s quiet again for a while and Minhyuk’s mind is starting to drift away like before, curtesy of not having slept properly in weeks, when Changkyun stirs next to him.
He turns his head to the boy only to find him looking back at him with an odd look on his face, lips pressed together in contemplation.
“Did they tell you? About Kihyun?” Changkyun asks finally, hands fiddling with the hem of his sweater.
Minhyuk tries to stay calm this time, despite the panic that immediately starts running through his veins like ice water again. He nods, slow and measured, trying to stop his hands from trembling like they’re going to fall off at any second.
But Changkyun notices anyway, because of course he does. He’s Changkyun after all and he’s known Minhyuk all his life. Long enough to know how to deal with Minhyuk when he gets like this.
He’s always been the best at calming him down, even before.
So Changkyun gingerly puts an arm around his shoulder, carefully pulls Minhyuk close to him and buries his face in his hair. He’s quietly whispering something unintelligible, the sounds muffled, but that doesn’t matter because Minhyuk doesn’t want to hear what he’s saying anyways.
He knows Changkyun isn’t doing it to hurt him, but his strong and unshakable belief that what happened isn’t Minhyuk’s fault and the fights filled with screaming and crying and hateful words, that he has with Jooheon over it, are tearing Minhyuk’s heart apart at the seams.
He can’t stand the way Changkyun lies to himself and stands by his side without ever doubting him.
He doesn’t understand why he does it. Changkyun should hate him like the others, should look at him with disgust, because that’s what Minhyuk deserves.
But the younger doesn’t do any of that. Instead he just pulls Minhyuk even closer when he’s on the verge of hyperventilation and quietly shushes him.
Maybe what matters right now isn’t what Changkyun believes. Maybe what matters right now is that Changkyun is there and that Minhyuk maybe needs someone to just be there with him.
„Are you still crashing in Hyungwon‘s trailer?“ Changkyun breaks the silence after a long while and loosens his grip around Minhyuk a little.
Is he still crashing there? Hyungwon doesn’t mind him staying there for longer and Minhyuk is eternally grateful, even if he doesn’t understand why Hyungwon is helping him. If he were to go back to his old apartment, he’s sure he’d not be able to deal with all the memories of his best friend that the place holds like a cursed treasure chest.
Just thinking about it makes his eyes water, but he manages to not let out the pathetic sob that he feels climbing up his throat.
Instead, he gives a small nod and scoots backwards a bit, draws his knees up to his chest and wraps his arms around his legs. It’s getting darker by the second and with the darkness comes the cold.
Minhyuk is only wearing a thin sweater and he’s shivering so violently now that he’s sure Changkyun must have noticed.
Sure enough, the younger stands a few moments later, his arm stretched out to help Minhyuk get up too.
“Come on, let’s get back to the trailer then, alright? You’ll do no one a favor by getting sick,” Changkyun says with a kind of forced lightness that makes Minhyuk want to cry again.
He pushes down the urge and takes Changkyun’s hand, slowly getting up. His feet are kind of numb and he stumbles a bit over the rocky ground before regaining his balance.
Giving Changkyun a broken half smile, he lets go of the younger’s hand and they start to walk down the rocky path that leads back to the forrest.
-
When Minhyuk wakes up after a few hours of restless sleep, he immediately he wishes he hadn’t.
Kihyun is sitting in the edge of the couch and fiddling with the knot of his blindfold. He looks so unbearably small and vulnerable in his oversized jacket and too big jeans that Minhyuk can hardly take it.
His heart clenches painfully in his chest and he suddenly can’t breathe again. It’s as if his lungs had collapsed and all his organs had been ripped out.
Kihyun turns to him and the world starts spinning. Minhyuk is in the car again, turning and tumbling and getting thrown around violently, not able to do anything to make it stop.
He clutches his head to stop the painful pounding and curls in on himself on one end of the couch, as far away from Kihyun as possible, cowering in fear of what the other might say.
“I know you’re awake,” Kihyun says softly after a few minutes. His eyes are hidden behind the blindfold, but Minhyuk can still see his eyebrows scrunching together in concentration.
“The pattern of your breathing changed,” he adds a second later, like the explanation is just an afterthought.
As if on cue, Minhyuk’s breath hitches and the trembling starts again and he can feel himself getting close to tears. But he needs to hold them in, he can’t cry in front of Kihyun because he doesn’t deserve to.
He doesn’t get to cry and talk and make up with Kihyun, that’s not how this works.
When Kihyun puts a small uncoordinated hand on his knee, Minhyuk flinches so violently that he almost falls off the couch and Kihyun quickly raises both his hands in surrender, a placating smile on his face.
“Okay, okay! No touching, I got it,” he says gently and then it’s quiet again.
Minhyuk is cowering in his couch corner, not looking at the man who used to be his best friend and whose life he ruined forever. His heart is hammering painfully against his chest and he feels the walls of Hyungwon’s shitty little trailer close in around him, the room becoming smaller and smaller, so much so that it almost suffocates him.
He can’t do this.
He needs to get out of here.
Without thinking about it, he scrambles up from the couch and stumbles to the narrow door. He can hear Kihyun stand up behind him as he fiddles with the handle but then he’s already outside.
The early morning air is crisp and humid and Minhyuk can see the mist draped over the edges of the meadow like a soft white blanket. Dewdrops glisten in the grass under him, shining on the ground like thousands of little diamonds.
It all looks very peaceful and serene and Minhyuk feels so terribly out of place it hurts.
He takes a few shaky breaths and tries to focus on the way his chest rises and falls and not on the way his heart is crumbling inside his body.
Kihyun sits down in the grass next to him, moving around with caution in order not to fall. He tugs on Minhyuk’s pants and motions for him to sit down too.
After a few more shaky breaths he complies and lowers himself down, careful not to touch Kihyun as he does.
The wetness of the grass seeps into his clothes and his skin and everything is red again. He can smell the sickeningly metallic tang of blood and he wants to throw up but his throat is full of sticky red fluid and when he retches, he only sees more red trickling onto the ground.
“Are you okay?“ Kihyun asks tentatively and Minhyuk almost wants to laugh.
Is he okay?
Kihyun is the one whose life was ruined, he’s the one suffering and here he is, asking if Minhyuk is alright.
God, Minhyuk feels pathetic.
Why is Kihyun worrying about him? He shouldn’t, he shouldn’t do that, Minhyuk deserves everything that’s coming his way, starting from Hoseok’s disgust and Hyunwoo’s fists all the way to his worsening insomnia and panic attacks.
Why don’t you hate me, he wants to ask, but can’t.
“Y’know,” Kihyun says, leaning forward a bit and resting his chin on his knees, “I really miss you. Your voice, especially. I haven’t heard you talk in a long while.”
Minhyuk grimaces and at least right now it’s a relief that Kihyun can’t see his expressions anymore.
Immediately after the thought entered his brain he hates himself for it.
“You used to never shut up. Why won’t you talk anymore, Minhyuk?”
I want to, he thinks, but can’t say it.
“Why are you doing this? To punish yourself?” Kihyun asks, his voice getting louder and more desperate now. “Well, newsflash, the others don’t blame you for what happened and neither do I!”
Minhyuk scoffs quietly. That’s not true and they both know it. And even if it were, it wouldn’t change the fact that it’s still Minhyuk’s fault, as much as they’d lie to themselves.
Kihyun had heard the quiet sound he let out.
“Well, maybe Hoseok, Hyunwoo and Jooheon do blame you, but they’re wrong. And I’ve told them that a hundred times already!”
Kihyun reaches out for him and it takes every ounce of self restraint that Minhyuk still possesses to not recoil and pull away immediately.
He owes Kihyun at least this much, even if just the lightest of contact with him makes his skin burn and his insides shrivel up from guilt.
“Will you look at me? Please?” Kihyun asks, voice small and scared and Minhyuk can’t deny him anything, never could, even though he knows granting the request will kill him.
So he turns his body fully towards the man next to him and braces himself for the inevitable.
Kihyun’s fingers swiftly undo the knot of the blindfold and as the lacy fabric slips away from his face, Minhyuk can feel the guilt roaring inside him like a thunderstorm.
This is his fault. He’s the reason this happened.
Kihyun blinks at him with milky blue eyes, but Minhyuk knows he can’t see him. His eyes are as unfocused as Minhyuk’s mind is, staring not at him but through him and it’s terrible to see. Minhyuk has never hated anyone in his life as much as he hates himself right now.
“I’m going to be fine, you know? I can deal with this,” Kihyun says calmly, a small and timid smile on his face. He strokes Minhyuk’s cheek gently, his movements slow and careful.
“Please, just say something to let me know you’re here with me.
Minhyuk can’t take it anymore.
This is too much, Kihyun’s gentle touch and his quiet words and his empty eyes that are the entirely wrong color.
His warm brown eyes always reminded Minhyuk of the forest during autumn and hot coffee in winter and a thousand other things he loved but now they’re blue and empty and Minhyuk feels like he’s drowning in an icy ocean when he looks at them.
He can’t say anything, can’t give Kihyun what he wants, as much as he’d like to, as much as he wishes he could.
He can’t, because his voice is as gone as Kihyun’s sight is and the inside of of is throat is as bloody and broken as Kihyun’s eyes were when he pulled him out of the car.
So, he runs again. Runs into the forest, because he’s a coward and a monster and Kihyun should hate him like the others do.
He’s sobbing loudly, snot and tears running down his face, and he almost can’t hear Kihyun shouting for him over the storm of guilt in his stomach.
-
When he climbs up to the edge of the cliff this time, the rocks tear into his skin even more than before. Blood trickles down his legs and clings to his hands and he thinks a few stitches might have ripped again but he doesn’t care.
It’s not like a few more wounds will kill him, even if he wishes they would.
When he reaches the top, panting and still crying, he breaks down helplessly like a broken puppet whose last remaining strings were cut all at once.
He curls up on the ground, not caring about how close he is to the edge, and whimpers.
He wants to scream again but he’s tired of trying and not succeed so he just closes his eyes and tries not to think of ocean blue eyes crying blood red tears.
-
It’s Hyungwon who wakes him up from his daze this time and when Minhyuk first blinks up at him he thinks he’s still hallucinating.
Because the man that’s looking down at him might share a face with his friend but he looks nothing like him.
His hair is several shades lighter and styled impeccably and he’s wearing a stylish suit and dress shoes. A black umbrella that’s spanned over the man’s head distantly makes Minhyuk aware of the fact that it’s raining.
Minhyuk knows for a fact that Hyungwon has neither owned nor worn a suit, or anything formal for that matter, in his entire life.
Rubbing his eyes in confusion, he ends up smearing the mess of blood that’s still on his hands all over his face. He winces as he feels his body ache all over.
Judging by the stars twinkling through the dark clouds in the sky, he’s been here for an entire day at least. In the back of his mind he wonders if Changkyun is looking for him again.
The man that looks like his friend regards him with a quizzical expression and holds out his hand to help him up.
Minhyuk takes it carefully and lets the other pull him up, surprised by the ease with which he does it.
When did Hyungwon get so strong? Or is it him that has gotten lighter?
Still beyond confused, his attention drifts to the watch the man is wearing. It looks heavy and expensive, nothing like anything Hyungwon could ever afford.
Minhyuk is getting concerned. What happened? Did his friend rob a bank? Or is he really still hallucinating?
It’s hard to tell the difference between what’s real and what isn’t these days.
(Are Kihyun’s eyes blue or brown?)
Minhyuk shivers.
Hyungwon, or Not-Hyungwon rather, clears his throat and brings Minhyuk’s attention back to his face.
His expression is neutral, eyes empty and Minhyuk doesn’t have the slightest clue as to what is going on. Maybe this really isn’t real.
The man reaches into the right pocket of his suit and pulls out something. It’s another watch like the one he’s wearing himself, big and clunky and definitely worth a lot of money.
He presses it into Minhyuk’s hand and motions for him to look at it. Minhyuk complies hesitantly.
The clockwork is visible through the polished crystal clear glass and in the corner there’s a separate display of four little blocks that show a number that makes Minhyuk’s blood freeze in his veins.
2014.
The year he met Kihyun.
His head shoots back up to look at the man that isn’t Hyungwon so quickly that he thinks he might have heard something crack.
No one is standing in front of him.
It’s not raining anymore and the sky is clear.
Minhyuk looks up at the stars and then back down at the watch in his hand.
If Kihyun had never met him, he would still be able to see.
If Kihyun had never met him, he wouldn’t have had to suffer so much.
If Kihyun had never met him his eyes would still be the color they were supposed to be.
He knows what he needs to do.
A drop of water falls onto the glass surface of the watch and his grip on it tightens.
Minhyuk realizes he’s crying.
-
(It’s when a young man stands in front of him on an empty stretch of highway, somewhere, somewhen, a few minutes and meters away from a crashed car and begs to die instead of his best friend, that Hyungwon realizes he’s made a mistake.
He can't help any of them ease their pain, no matter how much he tries.
Perhaps destiny truly is inescapable.
The man is crying and his eyes are brown.
Hyungwon thinks of the other man on the edge of the cliffs who gave up his past and future for those eyes to be brown again and nods in resignation.
He presses the button on his watch and quietly apologizes to an unhearing universe for what he is about to do.)