Work Text:
1.
It’s not like Cyrus doesn’t like to spend time with his family. He loves his weird, big and at times confusing family. It’s just that sometimes it means that he ends up stuck in Wyoming, in his step-dad parent’s home, when the biggest party of the year is happening in Shadyside.
It shouldn’t bother him so much; Cyrus has never been big on parties. But after seeing how excited all of his friends had been, he had actually started to look forward to it.
And while he can see the Instagram pics of all of his friends having fun he has to settle with old people pinching his cheeks and asking if he has a girlfriend yet. At least this time they didn’t make him seat at the kid’s table.
He is about to excuse himself to the bathroom just to do something other than sitting there and hearing his family talk about mortgages when his phone buzzes on his pocket.
[22:06] TJ: Msrty wher r u
[22:06] TJ: Ive lost jonah
[22:06] TJ: I rspeat; jonah is on the loose
Cyrus chuckles at his phone. He can’t even begin to imagine what kind of shenanigans those three are up to.
He is thinking what to respond to TJ to let him know that he is not texting Marty, when suddenly his step-brother is at his side.
“Texting your girlfriend?”
Cyrus fumbles with the phone clumsily, trying to turn it off. He doesn’t know why he does that, it only makes him look even more suspicious.
“Just a friend” he says, looking up at his step-brother. Well, technically Matt is not his step-brother, he is his step-dad’s son from his first marriage. He has a few of those siblings-but-not-really-siblings in both sides of the family. They are all a lot older than him and were off to college when his parents remarried, so he has never lived with them, or spent a lot of time together, to be fair.
“You sure?” Matt asks, still smirking at him “You turned that off awfully quick”
Cyrus forces himself to smile “Pretty sure, yeah”
He wonders if now is a good moment to come out. Just blurt it out, see what happens.
“I’m going to go to the bathroom” He says instead, because making Aunt Ruthie choke on the piece of pie she is eating right now because he decides to loudly announce that he is gay is not really something he wants to see.
He smiles awkwardly at his step-brother before darting off the living room. His mom and step-dad are totally immersed on the conversation, so Cyrus is pretty sure that no one will realize he is not there for a while.
The air is cold, but Cyrus decides to sit on the porch either way. He is pretty sure no one will see him there and Matt won’t know he just lied to him in order to escape him and his frankly invasive questions.
He opens his phone again and can’t help the smile that grows on his face when he sees TJ’s texts again.
[22:14] Cyrus: you are most definitely not texting marty right now
[22:14] Cyrus: also, drink some water
His phone buzzes on his hand practically immediately.
[22:15] TJ: No watwr only beer
[22:15] TJ: How is it goinh with your family?
He laughs at TJ’s first text, but something flutters on his stomach when he receives the second one.
Cyrus has to close his eyes and tell himself a few times how dangerous it is to think too much about it. No matter how sweet TJ is to him, or how he remembers to ask how is he doing even in the middle of a party where he is drunk and having fun.
[22:17] Cyrus: well i’ve been asked if I have a girlfriend fourteen times now
[22:17] Cyrus: it’s a new record
[22:18] Cyrus: and now i’m on the porch hiding from my step-brother, so you can imagine
Re-reading his words, Cyrus realizes how sad his life sounds at the moment. He sighs, and decides to send one last text so TJ doesn’t feel like he has to comfort him or anything.
[22:18] Cyrus: but the food was really nice
[22:18] Cyrus: anyway, how’s the party going?
The bubbles appear almost immediately next to TJ’s name and Cyrus can feel his smile tug on the corner of his mouth. He is starting to wonder if the party is as great as the Instagram pics make it out to be, because TJ keeps answering really fast. Maybe he is bored and that is why he has kept texting him.
[22:19] TJ: Thatd rough. Here its pretty crazu
[22:19] TJ: Crazy
[22:21] TJ: It would be bettwr uf you wer here
There is a moment where Cyrus forgets to breathe and his heart starts racing towards attack territory. Then the next texts make his phone buzz.
[22:21] TJ: Andi wantd me to say she misses yoi
[22:22] TJ: Buffy.too
He really has to stop getting his hopes up.
It’s not that TJ wanted him there enough to tell him, he was just passing a message. Of course it was that.
Cyrus knows how stupid it is, to keep hoping for something to happen between them after all of these years, because he knows the likely outcome. He is been in this situation before.
History is cyclic, once said TJ while they were studying. Things happen, we forget, and repeat the same mistakes again. And Cyrus understands it now, what he meant. Because this is like the whole Jonah situation again.
Except that, for some reason, this time hurts a lot worse.
[22:25] Cyrus: i wish i was there too
[22:25] Cyrus: tell them i miss them a lot!!
Cyrus breathes in. He is used to this by now. He is used to feeling everything: the butterflies on his stomach, the swelling of his heart, the electric current every time his hand brushes TJ’s. And he is also used to tune it out as much as possible, for his own sanity.
[22:26] TJ: You knoe what happened
[22:26] TJ: ?
Cyrus smiles quietly. Because no matter how self-aware he is about his chances with TJ, he will always have a soft spot for him.
[22:27] Cyrus: what? is it gossip? tell me everything
TJ starts telling him a story about someone Cyrus doesn’t know –Kyle? Is he one of TJ’s teammates?–, but he doesn’t have the heart to tell him that he doesn’t really know who they are talking about. Also, it’s hilarious how easy is to tell how TJ is sobering up throughout their exchange of texts.
When his phone pings, reminding him that he should charge it, is when he realizes that he has been sitting texting TJ in the same spot of the porch for over an hour.
[23:39] Cyrus: i’m going to go inside, i can’t feel my feet anymore
[23:39] Cyrus: you should go enjoy the party! i’m sorry i made you miss part of it
Cyrus breathes deeply, his fingers hovering over the keyboard.
[23:40] Cyrus: but thank you for keeping me company
[23:40] Cyrus: i’m glad you texted me, even if it was a mistake
He pockets his phone and when he enters the house again his mom ropes him into a conversation with a man Cyrus is sure is not family but everyone calls uncle anyway.
It turns into the fifteenth time someone asks him if he has a girlfriend that night.
Once he manages to extract himself from that conversation, he picks his phone again. There is a text from TJ:
[23:42] TJ: I’m glad too
-
2.
Cyrus usually keeps his phone off silent at night because he is a pretty light sleeper, but he must have forgot to do it before going to sleep tonight, because when the buzzing of his phone wakes him up, his hand moves to the bedside table instinctively. But the phone is not there, and Cyrus finds himself sitting up on his bed and trying to discern where the sound of his cellphone comes from.
“Where did I put it” he mutters while groping blindly for it around his bed.
He doesn’t manage to find it before the buzzing comes to a stop. Finally he turns on the light and finds his phone face down on the floor near his bed. No idea how it got there.
He grabs it to see who was calling at one in the morning when the phone buzzes again in his hand.
[1:03] TJ: I jyst left u a voicemail
[1:03] TJ: Singing
[1:03] TJ: Sorryy
Cyrus blinks one time, two times. He is not entirely sure if this is all a weird dream or if he is hallucinating the entire text conversation due to lack of sleep.
[1:05] Cyrus: what??
[1:05] TJ: Oj shit
[1:06] TJ: I dudnt mesn to wakr u
Cyrus keeps looking at his phone, waiting for a text that will actually answer all the questions he has. Like: Why is TJ drunk? Where is he exactly? What possessed him to call Cyrus and leave him a voicemail singing?
Seeing as TJ is not planning on explaining anything, Cyrus sits again on his bed and texts him back:
[1:07] Cyrus: what were you singing?
[1:08] Cyrus: also, where are you? are you ok?
Cyrus knows he should have asked if TJ was okay first. But he really needs to know what song made TJ think he should do a rendition of it on his voicemail.
He is looking for his headphones –he really needs to know what song exactly– when his phone buzzes again.
[1:08] TJ: Im home
[1:08] TJ: My cousind arw here
[1:08] TJ: They didnr apreciate my version of born tjis way
[1:09] TJ: Thougt u would
Cyrus doesn’t have the time or the energy to analyze at one in the morning what exactly means the fact that TJ just tried to call him to sing Born this way to him.
He is definitely not going there, because it would probably end with a panic attack and him calling Buffy incessantly until she picked up her phone –and she would not find it funny at all, that is for sure–.
[1:11] Cyrus: i’m sure it’s beautiful
[1:11] Cyrus: but i will appreciate it tomorrow morning if you don’t mind
There is a pause before TJ answers.
[1:12] TJ: I dont mund
[1:12] TJ: mind
[1:12] TJ: In really sorry foe waking u uo
[1:13] TJ: Goodnigt cy
Cyrus lies down on his bed, his phone on his hand. He still can’t believe that TJ send him a two-minute singing voicemail. He chuckles, what kind of person does that?
[1:12] Cyrus: goodnight teej
[1:12] Cyrus: drink water before going to sleep
He smiles at his phone before setting it in silent mode and plugging it into the charger on his bedside table. He turns off the light and lays again on his bed, trying to fall asleep for a second time.
It takes him only a few tosses and turns around his bed to turn on the light again and reach for his phone and headphones.
“I swear to God, this guy” he mouths, sitting on his bed, headphones in, feeling that stupid corner of his mouth tug up again, the same way it always does for TJ Kippen.
-
3.
The next time it happens, Cyrus is at a party himself.
[23:39] TJ: Whre r uuuuuuuu
[23:39] TJ: Cyrus
Actually, he is at the same party TJ is, which is why he is not exactly sure why TJ is drunk-texting him when he could come find him and slur his words to him in person. He hasn’t moved from the same place on the kitchen in the last hour.
[23:40] Cyrus: same as before, in the kitchen with buffy and andi
[23:41] Cyrus: where are you??
He leaves the phone on his lap, waiting for TJ’s response while he listens to Andi’s latest adventure at SAVA. He tries to ignore the incessant pinging of his phone in favor of listening to Andi, but he finds out that ignoring TJ Kippen is a lot harder than he realized.
[23:44] TJ: Beer ponh wit marty
[23:44] TJ: Bad idwa
[23:45] TJ: Hes terribleeeee
[23:45] TJ: No wondwr he dnt make the bball team
[23:45] TJ: Issa joke.. Hes watxhing me wrire this
[23:45] TJ: Im not a mean prson anymorr
Cyrus chuckles, and he is about to answer to TJ when his phone buzzes one last time:
[23:46] TJ: Only ti marty
He laughs out loud this time, and when he looks up from his phone Andi and Buffy are looking at him.
“Sorry, Andi, what were you saying about the sculpture?” He asks, feeling terrible about not listening to his friend, especially because he doesn’t see her that often anymore.
“Forget about the sculpture” Andi says, waving her hand around “Who are you texting?”
Cyrus feels himself blushing. Damn that one beer. “It’s just TJ, he is pretty drunk”
“Why is he texting you?” Buffy asks, laughing “I can see him and Marty from here”
Cyrus follows Buffy’s pointing finger to the yard, where TJ, Marty and Jonah are doing God knows what on the beer pong table.
“According to TJ, he and Marty are losing pretty badly at beer pong”
Buffy shakes her head “I should go teach them how it’s done”
“I would like to see that” Andi chuckles “Buffy, the beer pong slayer”
[23:49] TJ: Asdfghhhhhhh
[23:49] TJ: Hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
[23:50] TJ: Marty is tryung to stesl my phonw
[23:50] TJ: Twll buffy
“TJ wants me to let you know that Marty is trying to steal his phone” Cyrus announces, leaving his phone on the counter next to him “Not exactly sure what he is expecting you to do with that information”
“Ignore it, is what I’m going to do” Buffy says, and Andi laughs at her side, leaning into her. Cyrus can’t help smiling widely at seeing his two best-friends happy and together.
“Anyway,” Andi straightens on the stool she is sitting “Why does TJ text you so much while he is drunk? Like with the voicemail stuff and everything”
Cyrus sits uncomfortably on the counter. This is the question that has been on his mind for quite a while now, but he hasn’t found the answer yet.
He knows what he wants the answer to be, and there is a part of him that can’t help but hope. That the fact that he is the one TJ texts when he is drunk means as much to TJ as it does to Cyrus, that he is reading the signs correctly. He closes his eyes at night and hopes that there are signs at all and this is not him making things up thanks to his hyperactive imagination.
[23:56] TJ: Im abandoninf marty and jona
[23:56] TJ: You arw a lotttt better
[23:56] TJ: Thw best
“Honestly I have no idea” Cyrus says, looking up from the bunch of emojis TJ just texted him and grabbing a cup to fill it with water.
When TJ enters the kitchen, all smiles, fuzzy eyes and slurred words, Cyrus puts the cup on his hand and tells him to drink up.
“Thank you, Cy” TJ smiles and sits on the counter, far more gracefully than he should taking into account that he is pretty wasted right now “What were you talking about?”
-
4.
The rest of the party goes by too fast, and suddenly Cyrus is back at home, feet tired from dancing and cheeks hurting from laughing so much.
He checks the group chat to see that Buffy and Andi have made it home safely and falls asleep with a smile on his lips.
Waking up is a whole other thing, though. He groans, trying to shield his eyes from the light that enters through the blinds.
“Ugh”
And he didn’t drink that much, he only had a beer and a half, so he can’t –or want to– imagine how TJ is feeling right now.
He grabs his phone from the bedside table –he didn’t plug in the charger, so now he is pretty low in battery– and founds himself in front of hundreds of texts, the majority of them from the group chat with all his friends.
He opens it, fearing the worst, and exactly like he expected he finds an absurd amount of unintelligible texts from TJ, Marty and Jonah. He scrolls down, smiling at the blurry selfies and the texts full of emojis that don’t make any sense.
Then, he opens the text conversation with TJ, where an ominous “3 new text messages” warns him that they were send at nearly four in the morning:
[3:49] TJ: I protant note frr sorbet tj;
-eat so thng but do t pyke
- deink wTer !!
+ tell cuUs gow u¡fwwk
--If yiu dobt yiu¡re a.ciwarf ok??)?
[3:50] TJ: Wiat
[3:50] TJ: This id nott he notes.appp
The first thing that comes to Cyrus’ mind is that it’s extremely cute that TJ writes notes for himself. The second is that he has to remember to screenshot this for blackmail purposes –sorbet TJ? Marty and Jonah would never let him live that down–. The third thing is that he is incapable of deciphering what TJ was trying to write to himself in the two last points, no matter how hard he tries.
His last thought before he decides to text him is that someone should make sure that TJ is actually alive.
[09:48] Cyrus: tj, are you ok????
[09:49] Cyrus: wtf does that text mean?
[09:49] Cyrus: decode
He is pretty sure TJ is okay, because now that he stops to think about it, he and Jonah were going to sleep over at Marty’s –Cyrus politely declined the offer when he saw how drunk all of them were–, and as much as he doesn’t trust them to do most things, he would trust them to take care of a friend.
That explains the hundreds of texts in the group-chat, actually. But still doesn’t explain the weird drunk-text TJ sent only to him.
Cyrus decides to leave his phone charging and go downstairs to have breakfast, because after this he is definitely not going to fall asleep again. He manages to busy himself for an hour before he is back at looking at his phone, no text from TJ in sight.
[10:58] Cyrus: tj decode!!
He doesn’t get a response until hours later, when Cyrus had abandoned all hope of getting a text back and was trying to not think about it by doing homework.
[13:46] TJ: Ny head hurtd
[13:46] TJ: Hurts
[13:46] TJ: My mouth tastes lik stale beer ans dog food
Cyrus pinches the bridge of his nose. He can’t believe this guy, and most importantly, he can’t believe he has a crush on someone who proudly announces that his mouth tastes like dog food. Knowing his friends, this is probably the result of some weird drunken dare.
[13:51] Cyrus: god
[13:51] Cyrus: you are something else tj kippen
And that is the problem, isn’t it? TJ has never been just TJ for him, he’s always been something inexplicable, something more.
-
5.
Cyrus likes to keep his text messages. He knows there are people, like Buffy, that delete them periodically to have more storage, but Cyrus can’t bring himself to do it. It would feel like deleting memories to him.
Sometimes –like when he is bored in the car and Instagram and twitter are not enough to distract him–, he will re-read old conversations on the GHC group chat, or he will look for the especially funny moments on the group chat with the guys, or he will scroll down his old conversations and see what he finds.
He doesn’t like to admit it, but he ends up reading old conversation with TJ the most. There are a lot of photos that Cyrus sends him because TJ’s phone has a horrible camera, text messages by TJ making sure that he got the right hour to meet at The Spoon, a lot of memes and inside jokes that Cyrus can’t help but chuckle at.
And then there are the drunk text messages. The late at night texts when TJ is so wasted that every sentence he writes is full of typos and missed letters. But inside this category, Cyrus has discovered that he can classify the texts into subcategories pretty easily:
There are the funny ones, the ones he screenshots and sends to the group chat so Marty and Buffy can roast TJ; there are also the unintelligible ones, which he tries to decipher with Andi and usually lead nowhere because not even TJ knows what they are supposed to mean.
And then there are the sweet ones, always unexpected, that warm Cyrus up from the inside. The ones that Cyrus never shares, the ones he revisits late at night when he can’t sleep, the ones they never talk about because TJ never brings them up either.
Like the text message he receives one Friday at nearly midnight:
[23:47] TJ: Your pretty
The same text message Cyrus doesn’t read until Saturday afternoon because his phone decides to die for an entire day.
His phone dies on him at Friday during dinner and no matter what he does, he doesn’t manage to turn it on again. Cyrus doesn’t give it much thought; he just leaves it charging and goes to sleep.
When he wakes up, the phone still refuses to turn on, and that is when he starts to worry. His mom has to go to the mall, so she offers to take it to get looked at.
It’s a weird sensation to go through your day without a phone, Cyrus realizes, once he leaves Andi’s house where they had met so Cyrus’ could help her with a project for school and keep her company because Bex and Bowie were out of town for the weekend.
Once he makes it home, his mom informs him that his phone is working again –it was just a problem with the battery, or something–, and he happily turns it on to read the text messages he had missed on the group chats.
And then is when he reads TJ’s text. Seventeen hours later.
[23:47] TJ: Your pretty
Cyrus turns off his phone and turns it back on. The text is still there in the bright screen, making it pretty clear that is not a weird glitch.
So he does the only thing anyone can do in a situation like this: He screenshots it and sends it to the GHC group chat.
[17:04] Cyrus: [Screenshot attached]
[17:04] Cyrus: what does it mean?? what does it all mean???
Andi is the first one to answer:
[17:06] Andi: wtfff
[17:06] Andi: why didnt you tell me before
[17:06] Andi: and why didnt you answer
But Buffy soon joins in:
[17:09] Buffy: god he really is An Idiot
[17:09] Buffy: what did you answer?
But that is the question, isn’t it? How do you answer a text message like that?
[17:10] Cyrus: my phone wasn’t working until now!!!
[17:10] Cyrus: what am I supposed to answer???
Cyrus knows he is freaking out. It feels like his brain –rational, trying to keep him sane– is in a fist fight with his heart –the part of Cyrus that keeps believing and harboring hope–.
[17:10] Andi: convince your parents to let you have a sleepover at my place
[17:10] Andi: we are fixing this tonight
Thank God for friends like Andi and Buffy.
-
A few hours later, Cyrus finds himself in Andi’s house, in front of a pizza and a bottle of wine.
“Look at it, it’s appalling!” Cyrus cries, handing Buffy his phone “Why he would do that to my heart?”
“The only appalling thing about it is his grammar” Buffy mutters “He wrote ’your’ pretty”
Cyrus takes his phone back, rolling his eyes, but then Andi laughs, and Cyrus has to join her because everything is far too unconceivable for him to do anything else.
“So this is how we fix this mess?” Cyrus asks, inspecting the Hawaiian pizza Andi ordered for him “Eating and drinking my feelings?”
“To think like drunk TJ maybe we have to be drunk ourselves” Andi opens the bottle of wine with a pop. Cyrus wonders where did she got that bottle from but he decides against asking because he really doesn’t want to know.
Buffy raises an eyebrow, but doesn’t say anything. Cyrus knows that she is also not sure this is the best way to proceed.
“Maybe you will drunk-text him this time” Andi continues, grabbing a slice of pizza “Give him a taste of his own medicine”
Cyrus laughs again, and then catches himself thinking that maybe this not a bad idea.
So he is going to drink, yes, and if he drunk-texts TJ so be it. Health and his heart safety be damned.
-
+1:
TJ is lying in bed watching the highlights from the last match against the Celtics when he receives a text message from Cyrus.
He immediately drops the phone.
“Oh god no” He watches the phone on his bed, the video still going on the screen “No, no, no”
The last text he sent Cyrus was mortifying, he doesn’t even remember what was he thinking before hitting send. And Cyrus hadn’t answered, so he had spent the whole day worried that Cyrus was pissed off with him but without being able to muster the courage to text him again and ask him if he was.
Finally, he picks up the phone and pauses the video. He has to breathe deeply a few times before opening the text message.
[22:38] Cyrus: [Image attached]
TJ frowns. What is that? It seems a photo, but it is so dark that even if he adjusts the screen brightness TJ is incapable to distinguish anything apart from what seems like Cyrus smiling and something dark at his side.
[22:43] TJ: What is that?
Cyrus answers almost immediately.
[22:43] Cyrus: good boio
[22:43] Cyrus: the bwst in town
Is that dark thing supposed to be a dog, then?
[22:43] TJ: Is that a dog?
[22:44] TJ: Where are u?
And then, something that he never thought he would have to text Cyrus:
[22:44] TJ: Are u drunk?
TJ opens the photo again and zooms in Cyrus’ face. He can see his smile and his eyes –bright against the darkness of the photo–, and he can’t stop that little hopeful smile that grows on his lips.
[22:46] Cyrus: i’m at andis
[22:46] TJ: Since when does andi have a dog?
[22:47] Cyrus: its her neihghbors
[22:47] Cyrus: hes cute
[22:48] Cyrus: or she idk
[22:48] Cyrus: i shouldn’t assime teh cuute dogs gendwr
TJ can’t help but laugh out loud, hoping that his parents can’t hear him from downstairs.
At the end, it’s the little things like this that make his heart hurt on his chest because of how much he likes Cyrus: the fact that he sends him photos with dogs when he is drunk, how he makes sure TJ drinks water every time he is wasted, how he has always believed in the good in him, how he looks at him like no one has ever looked before, seeing things no one had bothered to unbury.
He is still chuckling softly when he realizes something:
[22:49] TJ: Wait are u in the garden of andis neighbors?
[22:51] Cyrus: wiht t he pupper
[22:51] TJ: Why
[22:55] Cyrus: becausw therr is s pupper
TJ laughs again, running his hand through his hair, but he is suddenly hit with a wave of realization.
He loves talking with Cyrus, whether is by text or in person. But there is a reason that TJ keeps drunk-texting him. And that reason is that there is something left unsaid every time he talks with him.
Every time he is with Cyrus, there is, hanging at the end of every gesture, an implied sentence that TJ doesn’t dare put into words. When their eyes meet and TJ has to look away. When TJ goes out of his way to touch him –a handshake, a hand in his shoulder, a short hug–, and especially when he pointedly doesn’t.
It’s all a message he doesn’t dare to send, in a language none of them is fluent in. And there he is, trying to communicate, missing words and fumbling with the grammar. Most of times, it feels like the message is lost in translation.
He knows he should tell him without hiding behind the ambiguity, but he is never been as brave as he likes to pretend he is. So when he is drunk, TJ tries to make up for it. But he still gets it all wrong.
He writes a message to Cyrus –a dumb joke about the dog–, but his thumb hovers over the send button for a while before he decides to erase it and text Andi instead.
[22:57] TJ: Andi do u know cyrus is in ur neighbors garden?
Andi is quick to text back:
[22:58] Andi: oh thanj god
[22:58] Andi: we kins of lost him
And a few minutes later:
[23:01] Andi: [Image attached]
[23:01] Andi: found him;!
[23:01] Andi: he wsnts me to tell u that u didn text him bsck
TJ opens the photo, a selfie with a smiling Cyrus, Andi and Buffy, and feels a tug on his heart. In the last few years he has learned there is an especial kind of pain that only Cyrus can make him feel.
[23:03] TJ: Tell cyrus to drink some water
[23:03] TJ: And have some advil ready for tomorrow
His fingers itch to write something else, something that he would most likely regret after hitting send, so he forces himself to close the conversation.
What is the use of unrequited love anyway? It only makes his heart feel a few sizes too big for his chest and text bullshit to Cyrus when he is drunk.
[23:07] Andi: i wikl tell him!
-
Still +1
TJ wakes up the next day to ten messages from Cyrus. He has to spend half an hour psyching himself up to read the texts, because he knows he won’t see what he would like to see.
He is not good at math –numbers confuse him, and statistics and probability go over his head–, but even he knows that the odds are not in his favor. He knows how improbable is that Cyrus likes him back, how impossible it is that the reason that he drunk-texted him is the same reason TJ texts him when he has had a little too much to drink and the only thing in his mind is Cyrus.
[1:07] Cyrus: you didntt ext me bacl th kippen
[1:07] Cyrus: i like ir wen yo text me
[1:07] Cyrus: yoire a nicw texter eveb if you hsve auto caps on
[1:35] Cyrus: but you kniw whar i don’t undwrstand’’?
[1:35] Cyrus: you alwayd twxting me al of thus nice thinfs
[1:35] Cyrus: thay you wouls like me to be thwere.. that.im the best
[1:37] Cyrus: callung me pretty
[1:37] Cyrus: youre sweet when yoire drunk. really swet
[1:52] Cyrus: but your drunk so you dont remembwr the next day
[1:52] Cyrus: or you do snd dontt bring it up idk
Oh.
It’s like someone has switched on a light. TJ closes his eyes, the texts imprinted on his brain, and when he opens them the focus has shifted.
Now he sees all the things he didn’t see before. How their touches always linger not only because TJ wants to, how is not his imagination playing tricks on him when he feels like Cyrus’ eyes follow him whenever he moves, the way Cyrus’ seems to smile different at him.
He understands now. There are always two conversations between them: what they say out loud and everything else. And after these texts he is now starting to learn how to read between the lines
TJ runs his thumb along the edge of the phone, his eyebrows furrowed.
[9:49] TJ: I need to talk to you, there is something i should tell you
[9:49] TJ: Ill be at the swings
[9:50] TJ: If you feel well and want to talk with me
[9:50] TJ: But I want you to know that i meant it
[9:50] TJ: Every single text I have sent you
-
(+2: The time they don’t text each other):
TJ looks at his phone for what seems the thousandth time since he got to the park. Still no new messages.
He prods the sand with the toe of his shoe. There is a part of him that is starting to think that maybe he got it all wrong and Cyrus is just trying to letting him down easy.
But he still doesn’t stand up from the swing, another part of him still believing that something could happen.
And it happens.
TJ is writing a text to his mom, telling her that he is not coming home for lunch today, and suddenly, when he looks up, Cyrus is there, disheveled and out of breath, like he ran to the park all the way from Andi’s house.
“Hi” it’s the only thing TJ says, the speech he had written in his head completely forgotten.
“You are still here” Cyrus says timidly. He keeps fixing his shirt, like he needs something to do with his hands.
TJ’s smile grows, unsure and nervous but a smile nonetheless “Of course I’m still here”
Cyrus smiles back at him. For a few seconds he doesn’t say anything, and the intensity of the intimacy between them is overwhelming, it feels almost physical. TJ can feel it pressing down on him.
“What did you want to tell me?”
TJ shifts, still sitting on the swings and looking down at his lap. Cyrus is standing in front of him moving subtly his weight from one foot to the other.
“I don’t know where to start” TJ says, honestly.
“The beginning is usually a good place” Cyrus smiles softly “Take your time, Teej”
TJ looks at him. Cyrus, who still has the list of easy things he can’t do –even if they have crossed out a lot of it–, who doesn’t hesitate at telling TJ that he is not going into that rollercoaster because it looks terrifying, who will gladly tell you what things scare him and why.
TJ has never said anything about it, but thinks that it takes courage to be so openly scared of the world. He is always been scared in silence.
He wants to change that.
“Cyrus, I’m-“ TJ starts, but just the thought of finishing that sentence leaves him exhausted “I mean, I like-“
He can’t say it. It feels like his tongue is tied, and his brain keeps screaming at him that this is a bad idea. If he says it out loud, then it becomes real. There is no way to take back the words, you can’t go back to how things were before.
Cyrus smiles reassuringly at him, and TJ breathes deeply. In and out.
“I don’t like girls” it’s what TJ ends up saying, rushed like the whole sentence is supposed to be just a single word.
It feels safer to phrase it like this, in a way. A negative instead of an affirmation. He doesn’t like girls, sure, but he hasn’t said what he likes exactly. Plausible deniability.
“Oh” Cyrus says, his mouth a perfectly shaped circle, his eyes widening slightly.
TJ wants to take it back immediately.
“Thank you for trusting me with this, Teej, I th-“
TJ feels bad for interrupting Cyrus, but if he doesn’t spit it out now he never will “And I like someone. A guy”
“Oh” Cyrus repeats. A pause, and then “Who it is?”
He seems to realize what he said just a second later, and this time his eyes widen in panic.
“Wait, no” Cyrus shakes his head vigorously “I shouldn’t have asked that, sorry, my brain is all mushy and-”
TJ would laugh if he wasn’t terrified right now “Cyrus”
“You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to, obviously, it’s-“
“Cyrus” TJ repeats, his voice pleading.
He looks up at him, trying to convey something, anything, with his eyes. Cyrus stops moving, the gestures he was doing with his arms coming to a halt, and looks back at TJ; it seems like his typically too fast brain is working slower than usual, like he is trying to catch up to everything is happening. Until it clicks.
“It’s me” Cyrus says, breathless. It sounds like an affirmation and a question at the same time, and Cyrus’ eyes look for his, waiting for a confirmation.
“It’s you” TJ shrugs, trying to look casual, but he knows his shaky voice and hands are betraying him “Of course it’s you”
The look Cyrus gives him is the same look he had been giving him since the beginning –kind and gentle and understanding–, and TJ finally exhales. He hadn’t known he was holding his breath at all until he is breathing again.
“Well,” Cyrus takes a few steps forward, until the tips of his shoes are nearly touching TJ’s “I’m glad you like me too or things would have been a little awkward”
TJ’s brain screeches to a stop “What?”
“I like you too, TJ”
And it happens right there. Cyrus closes his eyes for a second, the same way he would if he were making a wish, his long lashes shading his eyes, his smile curled shyly, and TJ realizes he loves him.
He stands up so quickly he nearly gives himself whiplash. It feels like his body is moving out of muscle memory, because his brain is still caught up in Cyrus’s words.
TJ reaches out slowly, his fingers brushing the back of Cyrus hand. This time, he lets the touch linger. He feels his cheek redden but doesn’t let himself look away.
Cyrus closes his fingers over TJ’s. It feels like he is trying to tell him something, like he is saying look at this, this is different. I’m done with dancing around each other if you are.
“Hi” TJ squeezes his hand, feeling his heart speed up even more if possible.
“Hi” Cyrus laughs nervously but keeps his eyes on TJ’s.
Maybe in another universe, one of them confesses when they are fourteen. They hold hands, and their first kiss is tentative and short, and every single look at each other leaves them a stuttering, blushing mess. But in this one, they are sixteen and made of longing. They have been waiting for years, and the sudden knowledge that this could have been happening for a while only makes them bolder.
TJ leans in first, but Cyrus finds him halfway. Their first kiss feels like finally coming home.
-
(+3: And the time they both drunk text each other):
[1:04] TJ: i live.uuu
[1:04] TJ: love
[1:05] TJ: a lotttt
[1:05] Cyrus: i lpve you too
[1:05] Cyrus: whwer ar.you I wsnt to kisd you
[1:06] Buffy: this is the group chat you weirdos