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For being six feet tall, Tao could contort his body to make himself small. He had learned in his trainee days when the choreographers and managers would get angry at him for being childish or loud or anything they didn’t particularly agree with. He would slink into the background and go unnoticed so that by the time he debuted, he seemed standoffish and cold.
Tao used to curl up in the bathtub when they got home from a long practice or harsh vocal rehearsal. He would cry for a half hour before Yifan came lumbering into the bathroom. The first time it happened was on accident, Tao had forgotten to lock the door in his rush of tears. Yifan scooped him up in his long arms and walked him to their room. “Taozi, promise me you’ll never cry alone again,” Yifan waited patiently for Tao to promise, but it never came out of his mouth. The words were on the tip of his tongue but his teeth wouldn’t ungrit to let out any sound.
“Can you promise that you’ll let me take care of you while you’re crying?” Yifan sank to his knees so he was eye level with Tao, despite Tao’s head being directed towards the floorboards. He simply nodded, agreeing with Yifan’s proposal.
Everytime after that, Tao kept the door unlocked for Kris who would come in after a few minutes. Yifan would wipe his cheeks and wash his face, carry him to their room, and wrap the tall boy in his blankets before sitting beside him before Tao fell asleep.
Yifan was the one to encourage him to revert to his old, lovable self. The excitable little panda EXO-L learned to adore rather quickly. Yifan egged Tao on to overreact to most of the things that happened during concerts or variety shows. Tao looked up to his ge, not because he was the only member actually taller than the youngest Chinese, but because he was like the older brother -sometimes father - he never grew up with.
He would sneak up behind the leader at any given time of day (or night, Tao loved cuddles and didn’t care about his ge’s sleep schedule) and ask to be babied. He had no qualms about who did it, but he often verbalised that Yifan treated him the best out of all his hyungs/ge and Sehun. No one came close to being Tao’s favourite elder, Suho maybe was second but Tao spent most of his time with Yifan anyway. The other members just took it in stride and really didn’t care about the slight divide, they knew Yifan was always going to be there for Tao.
They couldn’t have been more wrong. All of them were seated around the living room when Kris had stormed out of the dorm, taking what little belongings he had left in the dorms with him. The members sat in shock that they had just lost a member. Lost. He was gone, Yifan had willingly walked out on them. And angrily at that. It wasn’t their fault, but it seemed Yifan blamed them anyway.
Many people joked that the two leaders of EXO were like the parents of the group. The members couldn’t agree more, the youngest of both groups were barely adults when they finally debuted and the leaders and older members took them under their wings to help them adjust to a different lifestyle while adjusting themselves. The group had just lost a parent, an elder member that gave them undivided attention and unconditional love for so long. One of their pillars were gone, and the rest of them were cracking.
Luhan was the first to break the quiet atmosphere in the living room. He had glanced up to gauge everyone’s reactions and saw Tao silently sobbing. He knew their youngest Chinese member was going to be affected the most, Yifan leaving was going to be detrimental to Zitao’s health and mental state.
Tao was pulled into a hug by Luhan, Minseok quickly catching on and wrapping his arms around the Chinese maknae as well. Tao buried his head into Luhan’s shoulder, barely registering the broken Mandarin spoken in his ear by Minseok. The two eldests held their baby, hoping he would stop crying soon.
The rest of the group was in similar disarray, Junmyeon and Yixing encircling Sehun, Chanyeol and Baekhyun grasping onto each other, Jongin and Kyungsoo curled into themselves trying not to cry. Jongdae tried to weasel his way towards Junmyeon but Sehun pushed him away, screaming nonsense about stealing him away too. Yixing forced the maknae to let go of him and moved to comfort Jongdae on the floor.
A few hours later they were in the same positions but different states of wakefulness. Minseok was asleep in Luhan’s arms, Tao’s long body wrapped around both of the eldests. Luhan watched Tao’s eyes flutter open, “hi, baobei, did you have a good nap?” He kept his voice low and soothing, trying not to disturb any of the other asleep members.
“Gege, I had a bad dream. At least I hope it was a dream.” Tao’s eyes were brimming with tears again, threatening to spill over if he blinked. Luhan moved to stroke the maknae’s hair but was met with a flinch, Tao never shied away from physical contact.
“Ge, stay. Don’t leave us. I know you talked about it but you can’t leave us.” Tao pleaded ‘us’, silently begging for Luhan to stay for him. Zitao felt selfish, but he couldn’t help it. If Luhan left, Tao would be beaten and broken, he’d try to leave too. Tao’s tears finally fell as Luhan stayed quiet on the leaving matter.
“Xiongmao, you know I shouldn’t be talking about that. I told M that just as a possibility, baobei. I’m staying for now, I’ll be right here.” ‘For you, until you recover. And then I’ll leave and break you again, I’m sorry,’ he thought to himself.
“Let’s go make some dinner for everyone, you and me, qinai. What do you feel like having?” Luhan slowly detached himself from Minseok and pulled Zitao from the couch. They quietly cook large amounts of food, members trickled in. Some, like Kyungsoo, Minseok, and Yixing, helped with the cooking but most sat at the table waiting for food. Sehun was still slightly weepy, clinging to Junmyeon like he was a life force.
They ate in relative silence, soft sniffles radiated from Chanyeol and Jongin occasionally. Each member split off from the pack separately, excluding Tao who had pressed himself to Baekhyun after watching Luhan almost fall asleep in his rice bowl.
“Hyungie, can I sleep with you tonight? I’m small, you won’t even know I’m there Baekie-hyung.” Baekhyun had already anticipated a large, oversized puppy by the name of Chanyeol in his bed tonight, but he supposed he could make room for the tall, overemotional panda too. They were all skinny anyway, right?
Baekhyun just slipped his hand in Tao’s and lead him to his room. As expected, Chanyeol was curled on the bed taking up a pillow and under Baekhyun’s softest blanket. “We’re on Taozi duty tonight, Yeollie. Take care of the baby while I brush my teeth and shower, kay?” Both of the younger members knew Baekhyun was going to cry in the bathroom, he had held it together in front of them for too long.
Chanyeol spread out to make room for Tao’s lanky body on the small full-sized bed, going so far as to readjusting the blanket and covering more of the bed. He gestured for Tao to get on the bed with him, patting the space next to him. It took a moment for Tao to get the hint and dive into the covers.
After the unsettling nap he had earlier in Luhan’s arms, Tao didn’t want to sleep. But Chanyeol’s fingers traced small patterns into the small of his back and when Baekhyun returned, long fingers were tangled into his hair. The ministrations of Chanbaek lulled Tao to sleep.
“I don’t want him to wake up alone, Baekkie,” Chanyeol whispered over Tao’s half-asleep body, “let me go get, Myeonie-hyung or Lay-ge, they’ll take care of him during our schedule.” Tao remembered, Chanyeol and Baekhyun had to film for Return of Superman. They got to drown their sorrows in the comfort of comfy, cuddly children - the couple didn’t want a clingy, oversized emotional teenager to take care of. He was just going to be passed from ge to hyung to ge until he ran out of caretakers, until they got tired of him.
Warmth had left him while his thoughts overpowered the rational side of his brain, Chanyeol had left to get a different person to watch him, to babysit him. The door opened and another two bodies were pressed up against Tao’s as Baekhyun slipped away. Tao was engulfed in honey and honeysuckle, Kyungsoo and Jongin.
“Nini’s still basically sleeping so he’ll cuddle Taozi to death and Kyungsoo-ah offered to stay because Sehun is literally wrapped around Junmyeon-hyung and refuses to let anyone near him.” Chanyeol explained to Baekhyun while the older got dressed. Tao felt Jongin nuzzle into his neck further and Kyungsoo tighten the arm around his stomach.
But Tao was awake now, he couldn’t drift back to sleep like Jongin. Tao was hungry and his stomach growled loudly. Kyungsoo chuckled close to Tao’s ear, “is my baby panda ready for breakfast? Let’s let Innie sleep some more and you can help me with food, okay, sweetheart?”
Kyungsoo was using that especially sweet, deep, caring voice mainly reserved for Jongin (and Sehun on a rare occasion), it made Tao feel small, but not in the good way, he was small in the way before they debuted, before Kris pulled him out of his shell.
“I’m going to use the bathroom first, hyung,” Tao lied through his teeth. He walked away from Kyungsoo down the hall, towards the bathroom. Towards Kris’s room. Tao’s hand hovered over the door knob, contemplating to enter or not. He decided, twisting his hand and pushing the door open.
The first step was the hardest, it was like stepping into a sacred place, every thought telling Tao to turn around and run. But this was his comfort place, Kris would carry him back to this room, set him on a neatly made, magically warm bed, and care for him in a special way only Kris could.
Tao made it maybe another five steps in before collapsing softly onto the bed. It was icy cold, the whole room gave off a freezing, unwelcoming vibe. The blinds were drawn tightly, the desk devoid of any belongings, the walls bare of the posters previously hung.
There was a single piece of clothing left in the closet, it was Tao’s panda onesie that Kris used to beg him to wear during nights he would take care of him. This was the breaking point, the tipping, shattering memory that breaks Tao’s heart. He’s crushed and lets out an ugly, high-pitched sob. Quickly, he brings his fist to his mouth to muffle the cries that keep bursting from his vocal cords.
By the time Junmyeon had walked past the Chinese leader’s room, Tao had cried himself into a fitful sleep. The door was just cracked enough for Junmyeon to see Tao’s long body curled up on the bare mattress. The leader silently slipped into the room and placed a hand on Tao’s leg, gently shaking it. Junmyeon called out Tao’s name in various forms to coo the boy awake.
Tao was shivering and tears still fell from his eyes while sleeping. Junmyeon sat on the edge of the bed and pulled the sleeping figure into his lap. “Xiongmao, wake up, please.” Junmyeon’s voice cracked from overuse, he had spent most of the night softly singing lullabies to Sehun to keep the maknae asleep. Junmyeon was exhausted and stressed but put it aside to take care of his other baby. The baby he practically neglected all of yesterday when he knew he needed comfort and love the most.
Tao’s eyes slowly opened, the bags under his eyes looked even darker to Junmyeon. He easily slipped into caretaker mode and was hugging the youngest Chinese member. “Sweetheart, you shouldn’t be here,” Junmyeon didn’t mean it to come out like a reprimand but Tao clutched to the back of Junmyeon’s shirt. “Oh, baby, we have to feed and get you water. You’re dehydrating yourself with all these tears.”
Junmyeon shifted to get off the bed and took hold of Tao’s hands. Tao let himself be led to the kitchen where Kyungsoo was plating food. Junmyeon placed chopsticks in Tao’s hand before moving to get a cup of water for him. Tao just pushed the food on his plate around to make it seem like he was eating. Jongdae sat next to him and took the chopsticks from his hand.
“Here, let me baby you just a little, sweetie,” and the next thing Tao knew Jongdae was picking up a piece of chicken and moving it towards his lips. “Open up, Taozi,” Tao obeyed and the meat was pushed into his mouth, carefully.
Jongdae spent the next 20 minutes feeding Tao the rice and chicken from his plate. Junmyeon sometimes interjecting to make Tao take sips of his water. Kyungsoo tried to put more meat on Tao’s plate but he refused and pushed his plate away. He wanted to be babied, not overstuffed. Kyungsoo took great offense hearing those words come out of the youngest’s mouth.
Jongin saved Tao’s behind from a wooden spoon by grabbing his fellow maknae and dragging him to the living room. Tao was wrapped up in Jongin’s arms and the fluffy blanket the elder preferred to snuggle with. Luhan and Minseok were already in the living room watching the news on the opposite couch.
A segment about Kris was playing, Tao stared numbly as the news anchor bashed his Yifan-ge on live, global t.v. Junmyeon had been right though, as much as Tao wanted to cry he was out of tears. All he could do was curl into Jongin, closer, tighter.
Jongin gripped Tao back, holding onto him and pulling the blanket up over Tao’s head like it could shield him from the negative words from the news. Like Jongin had the power to protect Tao from the dangers of the world. It made napping a little easier for Tao, surrounded by his hyungs and ges slowly trickling in.
The only person Sehun wanted right this instance was Tao. He wanted the Chinese maknae so badly that he almost burst into Luhan’s room to disrupt Tao’s third nap of the day. Sehun wanted attention, basically a distraction, and thought Tao would be the best one to give him what he wanted. Yixing had yelled at the maknae for not letting Junmyeon sleep, Kyungsoo had hit Sehun when the boy climbed into the shower with him, and Chanyeol had almost crushed Sehun while cuddling in the elder’s room.
So Sehun was sat right in front of Luhan and Minseok’s door, waiting for the youngest Chinese member to emerge. If all else failed he would see Tao at dinner and steal him after another member inevitably fed the both of them. Sehun was spoiled, he knew this, and took it in full stride.
Just as Sehun was going to give up, he heard the floorboards creak. He sprang up from his position across the hall and stood patiently waiting for someone to emerge from the room. He hoped and prayed it was Tao.
He was heavily disappointed when Yixing opened the door, “c’mon Hunnie. Get in here and cuddle the panda,” Sehun was slipping past Yixing in a second and rushed towards the pile of blankets on the bed.
Tao’s nose was bright red, his eyes sunken in more than usual, and his face overall was so pale. Sehun wondered if he looked similar to his youngest hyung. Tao had a few drops of sweat gathering between his furrowed eyebrows and hairline. Luhan and Minseok were giving in to Tao’s obsession with soft and warm things and making him overheat. Sehun tutted as he peeled back the first three layers of blankets.
The maknae slowly climbed under the comforter and moved Tao’s arms so they encircled the younger. Sehun pressed his nose into the middle of Tao’s chest and inhaled deeply. Tao smelled good, the lavender scent from his bath with Baekhyun clung to him still. Sehun leaned further into the slightly older boy to nuzzle at his cotton shirt.
Tao shifted to place his hand in Sehun’s fluffy hair, “Hunnie, hey, baby,” Tao greeted. His voice was deep and rough, from sleep and crying. Sehun could tell Tao was trying to be a hyung - but Sehun needed a friend.
“Taozi, just hold me and I’ll hold you. Cuddling is supposed to be quiet,” Sehun sassily reprimanded. The hand in his hair gripped and pulled a little, Sehun let out a yip causing Minseok and Luhan to look over from their own cuddling position. “Be gentle on him, qinai.”
Tao didn’t register who spoke as he wrapped himself around Sehun’s equally long body, the younger squeezed Tao as he found a comfortable way to sleep. Tao knew he’d have to get up for dinner, and then breakfast, then practice. But he choose to savour the moment in his maknae’s arms, where it was safe, warm, and full of love.
There was a pang in his heart that yearned for Yifan-ge, but he had Luhan, Minseok, Junmyeon and the rest of his hyungs. He even had Sehun, the spoiled brat wasn’t so bad after all.