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Back then, as they did battle with the Prince in lead, the sight just would not leave his mind. The way his best friend suddenly turned into a furious beast...
There was no mercy.
No hesitation .
Every action more brutal than the next.
The words spoken by his best friend were unknown to him. Even his words were unfamiliar to him, words about having to kill them, destroy them, crush their skulls.
However, what got to Felix the most was what one sentence in particular aimed at him. The eyes of a beast turned to him, visible underneath the dirt and blood covering his light skin.
Those words were like poison , they pointed their daggers into his skin and engraved themselves into his mind for an eternity.
“Are you proud of me, Glenn ?”
Glenn. Those eyes did not see him as his best friend, the boy he grew up with, whom he sparred with, slept side by side with, joked around with, fought with, ate with, did everything with.
Somehow, those eyes only saw him as Glenn.
That was what stung the most for Felix when they were together again after five years of war. When they met again, the eyes of the beast was once again back, and they did not flicker for a moment back to the Dimitri he once knew. They remained fixed onto something no one else understood.
Especially him. He did not understand him anymore. They who, in the past, had a bond thicker than blood, felt more separated than ever.
He was not sure why he kept a watch on him in the monastery. All he did was stare at the stone rubble and talk to himself. The latter part made his stomach turn every time, because he kept mentioning that name.
“Glenn…” Dimitri turned his gaze around to look at him again. Felix did not reply, only observed him with his arms crossed.
“I’ll get her, ok? I will. The head’ll soon be mine. Soon.” That gentle voice of his was replaced by a hoarse, dreadful tone which made Felix shudder. He couldn’t get used to it.
Sometimes he wondered if maybe he was watching the ghost of the boar , with what a mess he’d become.
“...” Soon, he would turn around again, facing the stone rubble once more and mumble something. Felix swallowed, feeling a cold sweat tickle his back.
Even Byleth did not get through him. He’d told them to fix that thing , because if this continued, what would become of Faerghus? Who would lead them? Their beloved Prince was alive, so someone had to take charge and guide them onto the right path.
Why did he care though?
Why was he here?
He did not need to be here, yet...
On the fifth night of watching the Prince, he suddenly felt a hand onto his shoulder. He turned his gaze at once, expecting a priest to tell him to head to bed, but instead it was a familiar redhead. His eyes were lacking their usual playful glow as well, which was not exactly making the mood any better.
There were no words exchanged by the two of them. They simply sat down, side by side, resting their backs at one of the pillars.
Damn that Sylvain. He always knew when he was needed the most.
Dimitri was sitting onto the floor as well, head hanging low, possibly passed out. Felix felt his own eyes growing heavy, but he’d seen what had happened when the boar was asleep. That was when he needed someone around the most.
He kept blinking, fighting off the urge to get some shuteye.
However, Sylvain noticed it at once and gently his poked his cheek. Sylvain shrugged his shoulder a little . Felix looked a little at him, just to make sure he was serious about his gesture, but the look in those golden eyes didn’t waver.
“...” Felix sighed, and rested his head against his shoulder. Sylvain held out his hand as well, and as usual, even if he did not want to fall for it, he still held onto it.
It was annoying how quickly he fell asleep, but nothing felt safer than having Sylvain nearby.
The worst part was that Sylvain stayed with him every night that month. He refused to leave him alone during those hours, no matter how much Felix tried to give him the cold shoulder.
It all made him feel even more confused about himself. Somehow, the fact that Sylvain did not want to leave him alone at night made him feel even more frustrated about…
...everything, really.
These feelings were so confusing to him.
Why was he still sitting around?
What was he expecting?
That Dimitri would call him by his name if he waited for long enough?
They finally entered a battle. The boar roamed like the beast he was, his claws grasping at the head of their enemies, his dark chuckles sending shivers down everyone’s spines. Their little army felt like it had a dark, frightening rift thanks to his ways of barging himself in without any signs of hesitation.
Felix did everything to keep up with him. Every kill is out of mercy, as strange as it sounds. In the corner of his eye he could spot Byleth doing the same; it did not feel good to see the soldiers of the Empire perish under such brutality.
“Glenn.” Dimitri suddenly spoke, as they proceeded on. Felix felt his shoulders tense up. The temptation to reply was there, but he truly did not know what to say.
“You don’t have to protect me, Glenn. I’ll get them for you.” The boar ran forward once more.
Maybe it would’ve been better if he snapped back at him, instead of remaining silent…
However, he felt at a loss.
Their friendship, from years back, did it not matter anymore? Did he not recall all those times they spent together playing, teasing each other, fighting, then making everything up and becoming the best of friends once more.
Things were fine until the Tragedy of Duscur. Until Glenn died, along with so many others. When his father left to take care of the lonesome Prince. Until they were off, quelling a rebellion in western Faerghus, where the boar awakened and he was referred to as Glenn for the first time.
Felix lowered his blade, hit by a realization.
Maybe this was his fault.
After all, after the Tragedy of Duscur, he did not once take time to make sure that His Boarness was alright. He was only focused on his own bitter feelings--
Of course, he never spoke about their friendship now, but…
His thoughts were interrupted by an arm tossing itself onto his shoulders. The armor made it quite obvious who it was.
“Sylvain…” he groaned, rolling his eyes.
“We won, Felix! So, I suppose celebrations are next, don’t you think?” The tone of his voice gave away that there was a reason why the taller of the two was so quick to approach him. He let out a sigh and shrugged off the arm.
“Knock it off, there’s no time for celebrations.” He began to make his way towards everyone else. If he wasn’t around for a moment, maybe the beast would bite the rest of the group.
That feeling in his chest again…
...those conflicted feelings.
Oh, did they celebrate once they came back. In one way, it was a joyous occasion to finally feel the sweet embrace of success. To hear laughter in the monastery was incredible, as if every droplet of blood spilled never existed.
In another way, many knew they were just trying to forget about it all. To, just for one night, to feel at peace with themselves and see the beauty of life. They did need that motivation to pull off their best performance during the next battle awaiting in the horizon.
Not everyone was in the mood to celebrate the occasion. However, Felix had already received the order for the next month from Byleth. It called for someone else to look after Dimitri. This was apparently requested by everyone in the Blue Lions, as his efforts had not gone unnoticed.
Was he supposed to feel touched about that? He felt more annoyed than anything.
Annoyed at how he spent one month watching someone brood over the past.
Annoyed at how the others thought they were doing him ‘a favor’ by taking turns to look after the sulking baby boar.
Annoyed at himself for wanting to be there still.
He wandered towards his dorm room, sighing. The food was at least acceptable despite the limited resources, but he was not up for the dessert. Anything related to the words ‘sweet’ or ‘merry’ never catch his interest, especially not tonight. Not even the chance to hear Annette’s new song tempted him to stay.
He only wished to be devoured by his own bed and enter a slumber that would last for a year or two.
However, as he approached his room, he noticed something was off. The door was already open, and the scent of newly lit candles entered his nostrils. He stopped for a moment to listen in.
Perhaps someone mistook his room for their own, an enemy or even just a drunkard who had found their way to his room.
With a deep breath, he entered, and to his surprise, a certain red-head was sitting on a chair. The table was already pulled out in the middle of his room, and there was an empty chair across the guest. He could already catch a whiff of alcohol, which he quickly saw came from the cups that stood atop the table.
“You’re going into my room to get drunk now?” He rolled his eyes as he made his way inside, reaching to grab those cups and toss them out. Then possibly toss out Sylvain, too.
The latter shook his head, which made Felix stop.
“Let’s celebrate, just you and I.” Sylvain held up one cup raised, grinning. It wasn’t an honest smile at all. He wasn’t here to have a good time.
It was honestly more tempting to slip under the covers and not speak another word.
Yet, he sat down by the table anyway, taking a hold of his assigned cup. Of the two, he was certainly the one with less drinking experience, mostly because he didn’t desire the aftertaste of the ale.
While twirling his cup lightly and watching how the liquid in his cup spun along with the rhythm, he could feel how the mood was somber.
Neither was looking up from their drinks.
Neither knew how to start the conversation.
Both knew the subject at hand.
Sylvain slammed his now empty cup onto the table, which made Felix jump from how it sliced apart the silence between them. Their eyes met, their tired, worn out eyes from the first month together after five years of being apart.
Five years filled with violence, tragedy, death, despair, that feeling of loss.
The fear of losing each other.
“It’s about His Boarness, isn’t it.” Felix decided to take the first step for once, just so he could avert his gaze away from the red-head. It was somewhat difficult to keep his mind steady whenever he was around him these days.
“Dimitri, Felix. Not his boarness.” Sylvain crossed his arms as if he were his parent or something.
“Why does it matter?” Felix let out a bitter chuckle.
“He never refers to me by my name anymore.”
“He’s not himself, Felix. You know that.”
“Yet he can easily refer to all of you by your actual names, yet I’m just Glenn.” Felix hissed, and took a big gulp of the contents in the cup. Why did he feel so annoyed again? Why did he want to rip off his clothes and scream like a cursed child towards the sunset?
It always happened when he thought about the two of them.
Always.
“...Yeah, you’re right. Sorry.” Sylvain raised his hands in defeat.
“...Why can’t he see me as Felix anymore? Why am I just Glenn to him? I know we look similar, but…” His gaze lowered.
“We were best friends, remember?”
A flush of silence flew through the room once again. Sylvain could remember those times where Felix and Dimitri were like twins; always together, whenever it be morning, evening or night. The only times they weren’t in the same pea pod was the times when Dimitri was training alongside Glenn, and the latter wanted to just spend time with one at a time to give them full attention.
Even Sylvain got a bit jealous of their bond back then, even if he and Felix spent just as much time together.
“You were .” Sylvain finally replied, his own gaze lowering as well. Neither had the courage to look at one another at this very moment. Usually they did not hesitate, but…
...not today.
Slowly, Sylvain filled up their cups again. Tonight they needed to get drunk and stupid. These five years had been a nightmare thanks to a girl’s tantrum over the church, and now they were stuck babysitting their future king.
Down the hatch it went.
One more cup filled.
Down it went.
One more--
Down.
“I miss those times, Sylvain.” Felix finally spoke after slamming down his cup for the fourth time that evening.
“I miss him, Sylvain. I miss when it was the two of us. I miss when he trusted me and listened to me. Now it’s never me.” His voice was breaking apart, pathetic sniffles and hiccups mixing in between words.
“He sees me as someone who is dead , Sylvain! Someone who’s long gone! I miss Glenn too, but I’m not him, I’m me, I’m Felix!” This time, he slammed his fists at the table, mostly as support to keep himself from falling off the chair.
“I’m me …!” His whole body was shivering at this point. He could not speak anymore due to the constant sobs and hiccups, but Sylvain knew what he was thinking.
Why doesn’t he trust me anymore?
Do I have to be Glenn to be liked by him?
Why aren’t I good enough?
When will I be good enough?
Am I ever going to be good enough…?
Sylvain raised from his seat and hurried to Felix’s side. With the alcohol swimming around in his body, his steps became clumsy and the moment he was holding onto his best friend , the two of them tumbled onto the floor and were just laying there like a heap of hay, Sylvain on top, Felix on the bottom.
The latter did not mind. He never minded having Sylvain this close, even if he would never admit it.
Except tonight.
Tonight he’s clinging to him, fingers gripping onto his shirt. He lets out the frustration he’s feeling as he understands what is going on. He finally gets why he’s felt so annoyed for so long.
And he croaks that secret to Sylvain once his tears comes to a halt, his breathing evens out and no more snot is trying to escape his nostrils.
“I’m a horrible friend.” He admitted. From choked sobs to a bitter laugh, Felix’s hold onto Sylvain’s shirt weakened.
“I’ve not been there for him for seven years, when he needed me the most.” It’s only whispered, as he’s afraid to admit the truth.
All this time, he’s been annoyed at himself .
“You’re wrong, Felix.” Sylvain whispered back with his soft tone. His voice had gone an octave lower after the five years they had been away from Garreg Mach, and it made him almost shudder.
Almost.
“I’m not… He’s become a boar. What did I do? Tell everyone he was one. I didn’t prevent it from happening again, and look at… at that thing . I should’ve been there, yet I ran away…” He grit his teeth.
“I ran away....!”
“You’ve not failed as a friend, Felix.” Sylvain sat up, knowing quite well that saying such words would make the other sit up as well.
And so he did, and their foreheads met. They did not break apart; instead, it was the perfect opportunity for their eyes to remain connected. For them to be able to spot every little lie spoken by the other.
Sylvain continued his thought before Felix could protest:
“You’ve kept one friend alive for years.”
“Who? There’s no one.” Felix glared at Sylvain, but he could easily see it in Sylvain’s eyes.
It was that empty look again.
“Me. You’ve kept me alive for all this time, Felix. If it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t be here.” He swallowed. It was always difficult to speak about this, but he believed this would be enough to help Felix.
However, it only made the glare harsher, followed by a bitter chuckle.
“Alive? You? You who keep throwing yourself into Death’s scythe during every single battle? How many times haven’t I had to pull you away before you get yourself killed?!” Felix hissed.
“I was just being--”
“A knight?” Felix smirked, and that very moment, Sylvain knew he had bitten his own tongue. He knew how much Felix despised the ideals of knighthood. How throwing away your life was considered the biggest honor. His eyes began to wander away…
...but they went back.
“No.” They were stable, at peace, and their emptiness was gone. He took a deep breath, feeling the heat rise to his cheeks.
“It’s because I care about you.”
“Because you see yourself as a knight.” Felix replied blankly. He’d heard that one before, so many times.
“No, that’s not-”
“If you cared, Sylvain, you wouldn’t continuously try to get yourself killed.” Now it was Felix’s gaze that began to waver. Not because he was unsure of himself; but because it always scared him.
“What you’re doing is selfish. Selfish! You don’t consider how I feel about almost losing you all the time! How it hurts us all constantly! But most of all, me ! You keep hurting ME !” Felix moved even closer, their noses touching this time.He was certain that if he had not crumbled earlier, he would’ve been a puddle right now.
Even if he did feel like he was about to melt with how close Sylvain was.
“I’m not trying to! I’m trying to keep you safe!” What was supposed to be mature speech was becoming more of a childish quarrel, with no thanks to the alcohol they both had consumed earlier.
“You won’t be able to keep me safe if you’re dead!” Felix grit his teeth, hissing it in Sylvain’s face.
“Our promise-”
“Our promise?! The promise you keep almost breaking?! The only reason why you’re even here with me right now is because I keep hauling your ass out of trou...ble…”
‘If it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t be here.’
His eyes widened at the realization. The layers to the onion peeled right before him, one after the other, as he understood the meaning behind what seemed like simple words of comfort.
‘You’ve kept one friend alive for years.’
Sylvain’s gaze was struggling to stay focused on him. The heaviness behind his confession, about how if it weren’t for him…
He let out a bitter chuckle.
“You’re correct, Felix. I’m not showing how much I care for you at all with how I’m…” He tried to avert his gaze, but Felix wouldn’t allow him to. His hands moved to his cheeks to keep his face steady.
They were still so close… he could even catch the faint scent of flowers coming from the red-head.
It was something he’d noticed more and more as the years had gone by; how Sylvain was always groomed and smelled good, even if sweet was far from his favorite flavour personally.
It was fine if it was Sylvain, though…
“...” Sylvain blinked. It was only then Felix broke out of his sudden dreamy state, and cleared his throat, his hold onto Sylvian’s face only hardening.
It was hard to be honest about his feelings.
“I can’t lose you, Sylvain.” Felix swallowed. His cheeks were already a bright tint of pink, but he was certain they were darkening in hue by the second.
“Why not? What good have I done for you?” Sylvain was whispering at this point.
“You idiot. You absolute big, stupid idiot.” Felix sighed. With them continuing to be close like this, every little nervous intake of breath would be audible to the both of them, which did not exactly make this easier.
“You’re the proof that at least I’m doing something right.” Somehow, he felt as if it was Sylvain’s plan all along to make him admit that himself. Even if he chickened out and weren’t by Dimitri’s side, even if he stayed on the sidelines.
“...Ne, Felix.” Sylvain’s low whisper tickled Felix’s skin. There was something so comforting about it. He noticed how Sylvain licked his lips and swallowed before speaking again.
“What if we make another promise?”
“...Another one?” Felix squinted back at him, but he was met with determination.
“It’s… an addition to our current one.”
“Go on.”
“If I focus on staying alive more, if I don’t toss myself into the fire unless it is very necessary, if I don’t fall for the temptation to simply allow the enemy to take me... “ He had to take a break, his voice quivering from being so honest about how he really did see himself as disposable horse feces.
“...will you be there for Dimitri? You want to do it, Felix, I know you do. You didn’t budge from his side for a whole month . You’re honest with him, but I believe he needs that honesty to get out of his current state.” There was another swallow.
“So if you don’t have to worry as much as usual about my life, will you do it, Felix? You know him better than any of us.”
There was a moment of silence. Thoughts, flowing through both their minds, similar memories of the past twirling around and giggling with joy.
The times where Dimitri and Felix were like twins, always side by side, having agreements and disagreements where the latter would usually lose. Where he would run to Sylvain or Glenn and wish for comfort, despite their harsh upbringing. How Dimitri would come running after them, joining the embrace, giving a gentle apology in his ever charming ways.
How people spoke of those two boys, how they were like their fathers, even like Loog and Kyphon.
Yet, in the joyous memories, the thoughts of the Gautier who was always around them kept appearing. How he sometimes visited them with bruises, how he sometimes was quiet and not quite there, how he sometimes talked about how maybe it would’ve been better if he had drowned in the well, or had gotten eaten by wolves in the mountainside.
Felix shakes his head.
“I’ll worry about your stupid head anyway.”
The times he would dash to the kitchen and steal sweets for Sylvain, telling that it was some servant that provided them for him but he didn’t want them.
The times he would pretend to be sad just so he could ask for comfort, but in reality it was to comfort Sylvain.
The times he and Dimitri would sneak to his chambers and sleep in his bed, their little wooden swords hidden underneath their tunics, to protect him from his older brother at night.
“I’ll pull my head out of my ass, ok?” Felix let out a rare, soft chuckle.
“So then-”
“I want you to act less like a knight and more like you want to live, though...” Felix proceeded to pinch Sylvain’s cheeks, snickering a bit at how the other tried to get away. His smile faded away quickly.
“...because if I lose you, I’ll give up , too.” Their gazes turned serious again.
“...” Maybe it was the wrong thing to say. Maybe it was like a threat to force Sylvain to take things more seriously, but he wasn’t lying.
Sylvain was always there after all, either in his mind or by his side. Without him, who would remind him that he was doing something right, even if he wasn’t a knight in shining armor?
Sylvain’s arms wrapped around Felix again. This time, the hold was warm, desperate, and needed.
They needed one another.
Without one there, their life would have no real purpose anymore.
At this moment, words were not needed to understand each other’s feelings. The warmth that embraced their cheeks spoke the truth. Their feelings for each other. How it was only for each other they could crumble and be weak.
Dark secrets and thoughts could be spilled, and nothing would leak through the cracks.
Their gazes locked again, just like earlier, however this time, it was a different look. A loving gaze, telling tales of how desperately they wanted the other to stay alive and be there.
If anyone else saw them, they would say it was the alcohol that allowed for them to finally allow their hearts to collide and become one. The two of them just knew they had run away from the truth for years, fearing that the other didn’t feel the same way.
As their lips met, Sylvain knew things would be fine. Someone did love him for who he was below the Crest, and that was enough reason to stop joking around and keep moving.
As their shirts slowly slipped off their shoulders, Felix knew why he continued to stick around the buffoon before him. It was the one person who understands himself better than he ever would, who knew exactly what to say to make him chew his own words.
It was ironic, really, how he almost felt excited to step up from the shadows and try to guide their idiotic prince, but he would never admit that.
With each kiss placed upon the scars on Sylvain’s body, along with a scolding about how incredibly many there were on his body, their concealed feelings came out more and more. Their little compliments - or rather teases - about their appearances, scents and habits made them forget about the war once more.
It was similar to the past, where they would play innocent games to forget about the harshness of growing up as warriors. It was fine to be free and enjoy themselves for a moment.
This could be their last chance to be close like this, snuggling under the covers and whispering little loving words.
“You promise, right?” Sylvain ran his fingers through Felix’s hair.
“Only if you’ll stay alive, remember?” He gave him a childish pout, which made the other chuckle.
“Yeah. I want to see you become the most brutally honest right hand in history of right hands.”
“...I have a lot to live up to now.”
“I know you can do it, Felix. Only you can. Dimitri, he… He might not see you as you right now, but that gives you even more of a reason to pull him out of it, doesn’t it?”
Felix traced one of Sylvain’s chest scars with the tip of his finger, tasting the question for a bit.
Then, he gave a nod, and closed his eyes.
“Only if you’re there to kick me if I dare to run away again.”
He would not give in until Dimitri called him by his name again, instead of Glenn.