Chapter Text
Alex gets to the Airstream only to see Micheal is not there so Alex waits.
He waits and waits some more until minutes turn into hours but there’s still no sign of Micheal and Alex finally decides it’s time to leave. The message is clear and he’s got an idea of where Micheal could be at this hour. The taste in his mouth as turn sour after being bittersweet for the past hours.
So, this is how they end then. How their story dies, sadly…with a whimper.
He doesn’t leave, doesn’t push it more than he already did. Maybe Micheal was right, their thing (like he called it) has led them nowhere so yes, maybe it’s better to just finally let go no matter how much it hurts, no matter if Alex feels like he can’t breathe again. Just like when he’d left Roswell ten years ago. Left Micheal. But this time it’s not him leaving Micheal, it’s Micheal finally leaving a love too hurtful behind and Alex gets it. He accepts it. With a strangled whimper as he turns on the ignition of his car, he accepts it and just finally lets go.
Heartbreak is fucking painful.
Heartbreak is the worst thing Alex experienced and he’s got years of abuse behind him and years of war where he left a part of himself but none of that hurts just the way his heart being now shattered hurts and makes him suffocates no matter how much he tries to breathe oxygen in he just feels he’s slowly dying out of asphyxiation.
In all this hell he goes through, locked in his cabin for days on, phone dead and not even answering the door when he hears Valenti knocking on the front door multiple times, not even when it’s Micheal he hears knocking. He needs time alone, time to himself to not heal but at least to learn how to function again. He blasts music for days, drowns himself in booze and cries his heart out pathetically. Spotify is now his best friend. Songs about heartbreaks and angsty alternative rock playing on repeat and echoing perfectly his current state.
At some point out on a whim maybe, or because he hasn’t slept in days he feels it’s time to open the closet where he buried his seventeen year old self and letting him out finally to let him finally learn to live again. It starts by taking out his old guitar from its dusty case and playing the chords again in what ten years, a little more maybe. The last time was with Micheal and man that memory too fucking hurts. But he bypasses the pain, bypasses the memories keeping them locked away. Letting them go like the rest. Next thing is his wardrobe, he’s tired of dressing like…his dad. Let’s be honest, today more than ever he’s not himself anymore but the portrait of that man. So he trades his earthy tone clothes for his trusty black and dark colors ones, for leather instead of thick cotton and even gets his septum pierced again the hole having heal during his years of service. Then comes taking important decisions for the rest of his life.
After maybe a week of being a ghost, Alex throws Kyle a quick text, letting him know he’s alive and that he has to leave to take care of Project Shepherd. If he wants Isobel, Max and…Micheal protected then that Project needs to be shut down and erased for good. It’s not an easy task and he’s conscious of the difficulties he’s going to have to face. Before leaving town to meet his brother who finally agreed on meeting in a secret and isolated spot, Alex makes his way to the Crash Down where his friends are having a welcome back party for Rosa. How does he knows about it, simple Kyle told him and asked him to come as he’s got something important to tell him.
When Alex gets there he stays in his car for something around fifteen minutes or more he doesn’t really count, trying to gather enough courage to face Maria and Micheal.
« Come on Manes, man up. » He tells himself and finally gets out of the car.
When he enters the restaurant it’s Rosa that spots him first:
« Alex! » She exclaims happily before throwing herself at him, something that surprises Alex, in the past Rosa was not really the hugging kinda girl. « I’m so glad you finally came. »
« Yeah. Well, I guess I wanted to say welcome back and goodbye too before taking the road. »
« Goodbye? » Rosa and Liz asks at the same time but Alex doesn’t answer he quickly spots Kyle and excuses himself.
« Sorry but I need to talk to Kyle. »
Approaching the bar where Kyle is sipping on cherry cola, Alex taps him on the shoulder as a hello. They’re eyes meet briefly and silently they made it outside to talk out of earshot.
« So..you’re really about to leave town again, huh. »
« Yeah, maybe I shouldn’t have come back to begin with. »
« Is this because of Guerin and Deluca. »
« Not just… » Alex admits, avoiding Kyle’s gaze. Strange how from his bully back in the days Kyle and him kinda became buddies now, not friends per say but something leading towards it.
« You know they won’t last. » Kyle tells him but Alex rejects him.
« Doesn’t matter. It’s in the past I’m moving on. So, what is it you wanted to tell me? »
« It’s about your dad. »
« What about him? » Alex asks, unable to hide the hatred from his voice.
« I injected him with barbiturates, he’s now in an induce coma don’t worry I won’t let him die, I have way more morals than he does. »
« Let him rot, for all I care. I won’t miss that man. »
« Are you sure you’re okay, I just told you I’ve put your father in an induce coma, Alex. »
« And I’m telling you that I don’t care what can happen to that person. You do what you feel you need to do and I’ll do what I need to do to really make Project Shepherd disappear forever. »
« Where are you gonna go? »
« My brother agreed to us meeting about that, I’ll meet him in a secret location then I’ll make sure I have Shepherd under control before I can destroy it. »
« And then…will you come back? »
« Who knows. » Alex shrugs, brutally honest, what is there in this town holding him back anyway. Nothing, after all Roswell was never truly a home or welcoming about the gay kid in town. Kyle bullied him enough in high school about that very reason.
« We should get back inside. » Kyle says, accepting silently Alex really is about to disappear from there lives forever maybe. « Have one last drink with me before you leave, there’s a lot of stuffs I have to make up for even if it’ll never erase all the bullying I caused you in high school but for what it’s worth I’m really sorry I was such an asshole to you back then. »
« Thank you. » Alex says, somehow feeling like a weight has been lifted from his heart with that simple apology he never understood he was dying to hear. They then go back inside the Crash Down only for Rosa to throw a mic in Alex’s hands and demanding he sings them something.
« Hey Alex, sing us something it’s been ages since I heard you sing. »
« Huh, ok. »
There’s a guitar waiting to be played and Alex grabs hold of it before settling down on one of the tables feet resting on a chair. This one isn’t gonna be a happy song and he’s conscious it won’t but he doesn’t really care he just wants to let go of the words blocking his throat before truly disappearing in the nightsky. As he himself doesn’t even know if he’ll ever see those people ever again. So, Lewis Capaldi seems a good choice then.
Breathing in, filling his lungs with air that burns Alex closes his eyes and lets his fingers pinch and graze the chords of the guitar he’s holding then his voice resonates, somehow amplified in the restaurant and it’s like the moment is lost in between seconds.
« I'm going under and this time I fear there's no one to save me
This all or nothing really got a way of driving me crazy
I need somebody to heal. Somebody to know.
Somebody to have. Somebody to hold
It's easy to say but it's never the same
I guess I kinda liked the way you numbed all the pain »
Wow.
When was the last time he sang like this? In front of room full of people. In front of people he used to know?
Maybe senior prom but then never again. Then he enlisted and the rest of it is history but it feels like centuries since he last dared singing in front of a crowd.
He takes in air again before hitting the bridge and fights against himself to not make eye contact with Micheal or Maria to be honest, singing and watching them would be just too much. He’s here to say his piece then he’ll do just like he planed really move on.
« Now the day bleeds. Into nightfall
And you're not here to get me through it all
I let my guard down. And then you pulled the rug
I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved »
Life has a funny way of changing and ruining people, don’t you think. At least, that’s exactly what Alex thinks as he keeps on singing his heart out.
It’s not really a bother if he’s dying inside with all the pain that’s taken place in every cells of his body. If Micheal is happy then it’s all that matters. After all, they’re not kids anymore and he was really honest when he told Micheal what he wants doesn’t matter. It doesn’t. Not anymore. Not after everything that’s happened. They’re adults now and being an adults also means knowing it’s time to fight other battles and accept you might have lost others.
« I'm going under and this time I fear there's no one to turn to
This all or nothing way of loving got me sleeping without you
Now, I need somebody to know, somebody to heal
Somebody to have just to know how it feels
It's easy to say but it's never the same
I guess I kinda liked the way you helped me escape
Now the day bleeds. Into nightfall
And you're not here to get me through it all
I let my guard down. And then you pulled the rug
I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved »
Alex is almost at the end of the song and almost at the end of what he needed to speak out into words.
He doesn’t plan to meet Micheal’s eyes then but he does and it’s quick, not even a complete second but it’s enough to ruin him and bring pain in his voice that’s palpable and everyone in the room can surely feel. His voice goes higher for this part of the song and Alex sings it eyes closed, fingers almost trembling as he pinches the chords.
« And I tend to close my eyes when it hurts sometimes
I fall into your arms
I'll be safe in your sound 'til I come back around »
He pauses, leaving a moment of quiet before filling his lungs again to finish the song singing the last bridge.
« For now the day bleeds. Into nightfall
And you're not here to get me through it all
I let my guard down and then you pulled the rug
I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved
But now the day bleeds. Into nightfall
And you're not here to get me through it all
I let my guard down and then you pulled the rug
I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved »
« Well damn, Alex! » He hears Rosa says when he puts down the guitar. « That was...wow. »
« Breathtaking. » Liz punctuates, awe painting her traits.
« Ah…thanks I guess. » Alex says shyly, throwing her way something that kinda resembles a smile. Then he joins Kyle at the bar. « So, you still on for that drink. »
« Of course, sit down your ass, Manes. Hey Arturo, can we have two Space Jam, please. »
« Coming right away, son. » Liz’s dad shouts from the kitchen.
When they’re both holding their beers, Alex hits Kyle’s bottle with the head of his and they down a first big sip of the liquid.
« For what it’s worth I think Liz was right, what you sang was something else, really breathtaking. You should have become a singer, Manes. »
« Haha…yeah, those were teenagers dreams. » Alex says, bittersweet. It’s true in another lifetime music had been his goal. But goals change as people do. Kyle just nods taking another taste of his drink. Silence then settles between them only disturbed by the conversations in the background, the sound of their friends laughing and singing, of the distinct clatter coming from the kitchen and the blast the music coming from the jukebox makes.
« So… » Kyle starts. « When are you leaving then? »
Alex doesn’t answer right away, grating at the label on the bottle. « After this beer. »
Kyle nods. Then looks Alex in they eyes, something they never really truly did ever since Alex came back in Roswell.
« Don’t be a stranger then, texts or open a damn instagram whatever but let us know you’re still alive somewhere. »
« Wow, never thought you could be sentimental, Valenti. »
« Shut up, Manes. I’m being sincere here, say hello from time to time. »
« I will. »
« Good. »
And this how their conversation ends, with the rest of the beer they’re sharing. Alex leaves money on the counter for it before getting up, followed by Kyle who once again that night surprises him by hugging him tapping his shoulder with emotions. They don’t say anything more, this is enough a goodbye for them.
Then Alex goes say goodbye to Arturo, Liz and Rosa. Kinda waves at Max and Isobel and avoids looking Micheal and Maria’s way, the both them now kissing. His last moment in Roswell resonates with the sound of the wind chimes above the back door of the Crash Down.
« I let my guard down and then you pulled the rug
I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved »
Alex doesn’t really expect to be held back when he goes to get into his car but he is. Turning around surprise hits him:
« Micheal »
The blond looks at him with a mix of hurt and unease.
« Are you really leaving? » The blond asks then, not saying it aloud but Alex clearly hears the again that left unsaid.
« I am. » Alex simply replies, being brutally sincere.
« Alex, I… »
« You were right, it’s time to let go. So I’m letting you go. Be happy, Guerin. »
« Alex wait please... » Micheal says but Alex doesn’t hear, can’t hear anymore and just gets into his car and drove away into the night leaving Roswell and a part of his heart he hopes he’ll never have to feel again as it hurts too much behind. Because it’s true sometimes the world just ends with a whimper, right.
Alex’s did!