Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Irken Elites filled the hall on Conventia from wall to wall, coalescing into a mass of shifting green bodies as they took their places. Upon the stage in a hemicircle stood the newly chosen Invaders, awaiting the arrival of their leaders, Almighty Tallests Red and Purple. The Great Assigning of Operation Impending Doom Two was something no Irken Elite would miss for the universe. No, to be fair, Kwee thought to himself, that was a lie. An Irken would give anything to present the universe on a silver platter to their Tallest. Only few wouldn't.

Kwee's presence notioned that he was one of those few. He was not an Invader, nor an Elite, nor even a Scientist, not in the eyes of the Empire, at least. By all accounts he was completely uninvited. Rather than join the sea of Elites on the floor below, Kwee instead hung above them, his spiderlike PAK limbs clinging to the ceiling and giving him a birds eye view as he rolled up his glove and activated his note-taking device. He wasn't here to witness the extravagance of the ritual before him. He was here to take notes.

It only took a short while before the Tallest made their over-the-top appearance as usual, lowering in a storm of lasers. He went into a slight panic as one barely missed one of his PAK legs, sending him off balance. He cut short any sound before it could escape his mouth, then quickly recomposed himself. To make a scene would be a mistake. Being caught infiltrating one of the most important events of Impending Doom Two? He bit the edge of his lip, pushing his nerves back down as he tried to focus, preparing his notes again.

-Invader Larb, assigned to Blorch, no, cross that out, Vort. Kwee silently thanked the rulers, Vortians would be much easier to deal with than the Slaughtering Rat People of Blorch.

-Invader Spleen...

~

Most of the rest of the Great Assigning was uneventful, the Tallest would call forth an Invader, assign them a planet, and Kwee would take note. It was coming to a frustrating close for Kwee as he added Blorch back to the list. Poor little Invader Skoodge was doomed. Kwee considered not even going himself, but... The things he does for science.
He sighed and began to shut off his notes before he noticed a parting in the sea of Elites beneath him. His eyes went wide. Was that-

"No!" He heard Red say.

"It can't be!" Purple wailed.

The out of line Irken pulled himself onto the stage.
"ZIM!" The Tallest were both enveloped in shock. Kwee almost dropped himself from above in his own shock. What was Zim doing? He was going to get himself deactivated!

Yet, the food drone only gave off energies of confidence as he stepped toward his leaders. "Sorry I'm late, my Tallest! I couldn't find my invitation! You're lucky I made it at all!"

"You weren't invited at all." Red responded.

"Weren't you banished to Foodcourtia? Shouldn't you be... frying something?" Purple added. Kwee shuddered. He was surprised Zim had taken this long to leave, granted, coming straight to the Tallest was likely only going to get him immediately sent back.

"Oh, I quit when I found out about this."

"You quit being banished?"

Kwee watched on as the food drone fruitlessly argued with the two, eager to return to invading, despite the disaster that was Operation Impending Doom One. He clenched his zipper-like teeth together. It was dreadfully painful to watch. He wanted nothing but to drop down and drag Zim out of there before he doomed himself, but Kwee knew he had to look after his own safety first. This was Zim's mistake. Not his mess to clean up. Not when he had his own.

The Tallest had stepped aside to deliberate and Kwee sat in suspense, at one with the rest of the Irkens in the center as they waited for the Tallest to return and deal with Zim, but, to his surprise, they turned back with smiles.

"We see now that you are truly deserving." Red spoke.

"Yes. Yes, I am." Zim agreed, ever-confident. Kwee tilted his head. What were they getting at?

"You will be sent to a planet so mysterious, no one has even heard of it!" Red continued.

"Right! And those who have heard of it... dare not speak its name!" Purple added.

"What's its name?" Zim asked. Kwee leaned forward in anticipation.

"Oh, I dare not speak it!" Purple shook his head.

Kwee watched as the Tallest pointed out an unnamed planet not even on the map to the food drone. A mystery planet. He re-opened his notes as Zim squeed in glee.

Food Drone — No —  Invader  Zim assigned to Mystery Planet.

Now this would be interesting.

Chapter Text

Kwee slumped in his desk chair, connecting his note device to his computer database.

"A visit to the Medical Bay is highly recommended." The mechanical voice of the computer, or as he often called it, C1, spoke as he watched his notes on the anatomy of a Slaughtering Rat Person upload to the database. C1 was right, as he had expected, catching a slaughtering rat person was not easy. Nor was applying tranquilizer for a vivisection, at least, not without a mauling.

"Just... a moment, C1." He managed, pulling off his ruined goggles. At least they had performed their duty of protecting his sight. He watched as the bar crawled its way across the screen.

"Sir, I highly suggest-"

"Shhshshshshhhh.." He had to make sure the upload was successful. Of course, C1 would inform him if he asked, but his paranoia often got the best of him. He certainly didn't want to have to go anywhere close to a slaughtering rat person ever again, they could stay in their habitat for all he cared. It finished in a matter of seconds, and with a satisfied sigh, Kwee disconnected his note-making device and headed back to the elevator. He didn't even have to ask the computer to take him to the medical bay.

He pulled off his gloves and labcoat, each covered in a mix of his own green blood and that of a slaughtering rat person. Then, slowly, he patched himself up. His PAK could easily revitalize him in no time, but he always figured it was better to give it a helping hand and prevent any more fluid loss, as well as tender pain in the time leading up to then. Kwee took a seat on a spare operating table, bringing his notes from the Great Assigning back up. He crossed off the note about Skoodge and Blorch, as he had previously done for the rest of the invaders in the time following the Great Assigning. He had purposefully saved Blorch for last, understandably, endlessly procrastinating on the impending pain it would bring.

Well, to be fair, he had saved it for second to last. At the very bottom of the list, uncrossed, was the note about Zim and the mystery planet. This he had saved for last. It still left him floundering whenever he read it. Zim, the Invader that single-handedly ruined Operation Impending Doom One, had been welcomed back to the team? There was something fishy about the whole thing, and in the time that had passed since the Great Assigning, his mind had flicked through several possibilities. He had wondered if Zim had been sent directly into the heart of a star, or to some death planet. Perhaps the mystery planet didn't exist, perhaps it was a a wild goose chase.

The possibilities swam in his mind and clouded his thoughts as his nerve rose and he wondered if Zim was even still alive. He would push the thoughts aside. There was no reason for him to care about the life and times of Zim. He should be focused on his work. And yet, if it wasn't a lie, if the Tallest were truly to come to this mystery planet, then Kwee owes it to his work to take a sample. All in all, Zim and this mystery planet had been nothing but a worrisome conundrum, so he had focused on the others. Now, though, with nothing left on his list.

"C1?"

"Yes, Sir?"

"How good are you at hacking?" He knew the answer would be no, but asking gave him a small bit of hope.

"I am not programmed for hacking."

Kwee sighed. Of course. "Hm. Can you sense any nearby signals?" He waited for a moment as C1 paused, presumably searching for a signal like a phone trying to find a bluetooth tool to connect to.

"There is a nearby Irken vessel."

"Any other information you can gather?" Kwee pressed. C1 was silent for a moment once more.

"Vessel type: Massive."

"Wait- wait- wait- The Massive? The Tallest's ship?" Kwee's deep blue eyes went wide.

"I don't believe there are any other Massives out there." C1 responded with a slight sarcastic tone. "Would you like to make a call?"

"Nnnnnnnnot this instant." Kwee managed.

"They could go out of range any minute." C1 said.

"Just- give me a moment. I've got a couple changes to make to the videocall." Kwee quickly got to work on the keyboard.

~

Aboard the Massive, things were as good as they ever could be. The Tallest has blown up a couple planets for fun, sent out some shipments to Invaders, feasted on their endless supply of snacks, and best of all, they had yet to get any call from Zim that day.

"There appears to be a moon in our path, My Tallest." A navigator informed them.

"Blow it up!" Purple cheered with a mouthful of Donuts as Red focused on decimating a bag of chips. Within seconds the moon had been blown to smithereens in a strikingly dangerous lightshow. Some pieces shot off into distant space, others pounded the planet's ground to dust. The Massive made quick work of the pieces that shot at it, blasting through them like pebbles. Everything was going great.

"My Tallest, we are receiving an incoming transmission."

"Who's it from?" Red asked. Purple groaned at the interruption, then promptly stuffed another donut in his maw.

"We are not sure. The signal is-"

"So it's not Zim?" Purple said.

"No, my Tallest, but-"

"Oh thank Irk." Red sighed in relief. "Let it through." He ordered, munching on another handful of chips.

The screen flickered on as an Irken silhouette appeared in front of the crew. "My... My Tallest." The distorted voice began, almost shakily. "I wish to know the current whereabouts of Invader Zim."

"Why do you wanna know?" Red responded.

"Yeah!" Purple added.

"Uhh... so I can... make sure he doesn't bug you, anymore..?" The anonymous Irken slowly replied.

"Sounds great to me!" Purple's expression instantly lightened.

"He's on some planet called Earth." Red nodded.

"Can I uh, get the coordinates?"

"You!" Red turned to one of the crew members. "Send this anonymous caller the coordinates to 'Earth.'" The crew member obliged, they weren't about to argue with the Tallest, as ridiculously suspicious as this all seemed.

"Thank you my Tallest." The silhouette saluted, before the call was disconnected.

"I liked that guy." Purple said to Red in-between bites of donut.

~

"That was... surprisingly easy." Kwee said after disconnecting.

"When do you plan to leave, Sir?" C1 asked.

Kwee unwrapped one of his injuries, gently pressing a hand to it. His PAK was making quick work of it. "Perhaps today." He responded.

Chapter Text

Soon enough, Kwee found himself in a fresh set of goggles, gloves, and coat, sitting in his old Spittle Runner, packed with food rations and modified to house a version of his AI. The slaughtering rat person mauling was nearly a memory now, with most of his injuries on their way to being fully healed.

"Hello, Sir."

"Hello C2." Kwee responded as he typed in the coordinates to the mystery planet known only as 'Earth.' "How long do you estimate this trip to 'Earth' will take?" Kwee responded.

"Four months."

Yikes. "And in hyperdrive?"

"A week. Sir, I must alert you that the Spittle Runner will not have enough fuel to return if you use hyperdrive."

"I'm sure Zim will have something we can use."

"How do you expect him to react, Sir?" C2 asked.

Kwee paused for a moment, lost in a flurry of thought before he finally responded. "I don't intend on getting caught. We'll take hyperdrive."

"Very well, Sir." C2 responded, rising from the base, then shooting off into the distant stars.

~

"One" Kwee said.

"Time" C2 said.

"I" Kwee said.

"Swung" C2 said.

"On" Kwee said.

"A" C2 said.

"Foargth" Kwee said.

"And" C2 said.

"I" Kwee said.

"Created" C2 said.

"A" Kwee said.

"Globborog" C2 said.

"Then" Kwee said.

"I" C2 said.

"Vivisected" Kwee said.

"An" C2 said.

"Irken ship!" Kwee jumped up.

"One word, Sir, you're meant to say one word."

"No- C2- Irken ship, five o'clock. Haven't seen one of those in a while." He pointed it out.

"They are becoming sparse." C2 agreed.

"This 'Earth' is surprisingly far from Irken territory."

"The Tallest seem eager to rid themselves of Zim."

"I'm shocked they didn't send him to the Control Brains for evaluation and deactivation then and there at the Great Assigning." Kwee sighed and sat back in his seat.

"They do have a roundabout way of dealing with unwanted cases."

Kwee was silent for a moment. "...I wish to change the subject.

"Very well, Sir."

"How long until we arrive at Earth, C2?" Kwee leaned back in his seat.

"Three days, Sir." C2 responded.

Kwee sighed. Space travel was always a strain to him. Of course, having C2 to talk to was a help, but so much time spent sitting around left him feeling useless more often than not. Unproductive, lagging, slow. He bit at his lip and tapped his leg. It was all a waste of time that could be better spent at work. Perhaps it was his own Irken instinct that urged him, he pondered, a need to be a constantly working cog in a greater machine. He had taken his leave from the machine, yet something leftover kept him turning on his own.

"Would you like to play another game?" C2 offered.

"I tire of games." Kwee said.

"Very well, Sir."

For a while, they sped along in silence.

"I don't intend to offend, Sir, but how do you know Zim?" C2 broke the silence, unprompted.

"He was an Invader at the Great Assigning. A note on a drive." Kwee stated matter-of-factly.

"You understand that is not what I meant, Sir."

Kwee leaned back in his chair, biting at his lip. "...Every Irken in existence knows Zim. He's a defective food drone who single-handedly ruined Operation Impending Doom One and slaughtered the previous two Tallest. He is notorious in Irken society."

C2 paused, silent again for a moment. "...I see. I will add this to the database."

~

Three long days crawled by. Days of games and questions and silence. For a time Kwee had broken into his rations, quite a bit further than necessary. Eating was just something to do. He ultimately had to ask C2 to put the rations under lock and hold, only to release them when necessary.

He sat leaning his head on a hand when the silence was suddenly broken by C2 once more. "We are now approaching Earth, sir." Kwee jumped to his feet almost immediately, a grin of excitement upon his face. "Now disengaging hyperdrive."

With a yelp Kwee was almost instantly thrown off of his feet and against the window of the Spittle Runner as the craft suddenly slowed. He groaned, blinking himself back to composure. "A warning would've been nice, C2."

"My apologies, Sir."

Kwee pulled himself off the window, only to quickly press himself against it again as he took in the blue globe ahead of them with wide eyes. Earth.

They had arrived.

Chapter Text

"C2, search for any nearby Irken signals."

"One Voot Cruiser detected, Sir."

"That must be Zim's. Find a secluded place nearby to land," Kwee said, "I'll make some notes on any of the local flora or fauna." As C2 brought the ship down into the night atmosphere, Kwee activated his mobile device again, making notes on the strange square structures and the creatures that he presumed inhabited them. Activity was sparse, and the environment was dark. The organisms must be lightwalkers, active mainly under the light of the local star.. A holographic disguise would do him well, allowing him to walk among the creatures, gathering information in order to determine the best path to take.

"What is the status of the fuel?" Kwee asked as C2 landed in a nearby forest.

"Fuel is dangerously low."

"Can you takeoff?"

"Not for long, Sir." C2 answered.

Kwee bit his lip. "I'm going to connect you to C3 so I can carry the coordinates to Zim's base. Otherwise I want you to engage defensive mode, C2." Kwee activated his mobile device, C3, connecting to C2's signal. He quickly transferred the information between the databases, before hesitantly hopping out of C2 and into the night. "Atmosphere doesn't appear to be poisonous." He mumbled to himself, typing into C3. "C3, bring up the Disguise Design menu using the inputted information."

"Yes, Sir." The device on Kwee's arm emitted a screen, showcasing several pre-designed disguises. Kwee browsed through them until finally settling on the disguise of a blue-haired schoolboy with glasses, wearing a navy hoodie with a smiling pentagon. This would do fine. The screen shifted to an array of light that enveloped him. Once it faded, Kwee was holigraphically disguised, appearing no different than any kid one might meet.

"C3, make a scan for local information databases."

There was a pause as C3 wirelessly reached out, connecting to "Locally there is a 'Skool,' a place of learning for 'human' smeets."

"Hmm. I suppose it is best to begin with the basics. Any other places of interest?"

"A little further away in a human city is a 'Library,' a human information depository."

"That shall be most useful." Kwee nodded. "How long do you estimate it would take to arrive at this 'Library' at a walking pace?"

"About three hours, Sir." C3 responded.

Kwee bit his lip again. "I am sure we will find a way to arrive there incognito eventually... how far is the 'Skool?'"

"Five minutes."

Kwee sighed in relief. "Then we shall begin with this 'Skool.'"

~

"Class, the school is welcoming yet another worthless child who I hope will leave as soon as the last one." The tall, snakelike woman known as Ms. Bitters practically hissed at the children in the classroom.

Kwee awkwardly turned from her to the rest of the class. "Uh, hello, I'm Kwee and I like science!" He was met by a monotone "Hi Kwee" from the students, minus two. One was clearly Zim. Kwee was shocked his disguise was even passing to the humans. They must not be a clever race. Opposite Zim was a scythe-haired kid with glasses, who eyed him cautiously.

"Now sit down and be quiet before I change my mind." Ms. Bitters looked down at him. "You can sit in Tak's seat. She hasn't returned in months." The old woman shot out an arm, pointing to an empty seat behind the scythe-haired boy. Kwee promptly scurried over to it, preparing some non-digital notes he could scan into C3 later. "Today you're going to learn about the measly life of a housefly. Houseflies wander aimlessly for twenty-eight meaningless days until their ultimate and uneventful doom..."

The scythe-haired kid turned around to face Kwee. "Hey, new kid, I'm Dib." He flicked his eyes across the room at Zim, then back at Kwee, leaning in as if he were going to whisper a secret. "Do you believe in the paranormal?"

"It is nice to make your acquaintance, 'Dib,' but I am currently trying to take notes."

"Notes aren't important- what is important- there's an alien in this class." His eyes flicked between Zim and Kwee again.

Kwee set down his note-taking device (C3 had informed him it was called a 'pencil') and stared at this 'Dib' for a moment. Perhaps not all humans were completely clueless. He would keep an eye on this one. "Who, Zim?" He responded, with new intrigue.

Dib's face lit up with joy. "You- you can tell too? I knew it! I knew there was someone, someone out there who would believe me!" Ms. Bitters hushed him with a hiss. The class took their eyes off the two, as if this was usual for Dib. However, Kwee noticed Zim continuing to stare at them out of the corner of his eye.

"Jumping to conclusions, Dib. I could have been joking." Kwee smiled and Zim seemed to loosen a little, though still keeping an eye on them.

"You... you don't believe?" Dib's face fell almost instantly, like a kid who just had their candy stolen.

Kwee lightly chuckled. "I said I could have been. Zim makes it pretty obvious just by appearance." Dib's expression immediately lit up again.

"Hey, not now, but we should meet up sometime and plan. I've never been able to stop him entirely by myself, but maybe if there's two of us..." he trailed off, lost in his own excitement.

"I will keep it in mind, Dib." Of course he had no intention on stopping Zim. He had promised himself long ago that he would never stand in the way of the Empire, just skirt safely in front of it, like a schoolchild dodging past a moving swing. Still, he wanted to humor the human smeet, gain its trust. It would make a good subject.

"Meet me out back after Skool today. Then we can discuss.

"Will do, Dib."

Chapter Text

By the time lunch break rolled around, Kwee found himself quite frustrated. This 'Skool' had hardly helped him gain any information. Of course, he now had full-fledged notes on the Earth Housefly, but they seemed of little use. However, there was a silver lining. This 'Dib' human had piqued Kwee's interest, boasting a deductive skill superior to even that of the classroom's information provider. Perhaps this was why his head appeared so enlarged compared to the humans around him.

He slipped out of the Cafeteria and into the hallway, uploading his Housefly notes to C3, as well as making some new ones on the Dib. He quickly hid C3 away beneath his hoodie sleeve as he heard a creak down the hall.

"New stink-human!" The all too familiar voice rang out behind him. Kwee spun around, facing the other Irken and tilting his head, waiting for Zim to go on. "Do not try to hide your ploys from Zim! I watched as you and the Dib-pig conspired! What filthy lies has he told you?"

Kwee shrugged. "He said you were an alien."

"LIES!" Zim shrieked, pointing an accusing finger at Kwee. "I am but a normal human stink child with a skin condition!"

"Makes sense to me. All that alien stuff sounded pretty crazy." Kwee stifled a smirk.

"That's because it is crazy! Mmhm!" Zim nodded with ferver. "Imagine Zim! An alien! How absolutely and utterly impossible!"

"So impossible I can't even imagine it!"

"Exactly, filth-human! Don't believe a lie that Dib-stink speaks!"

"Wouldn't dream of it."

"Perfect! Now then, make way for Zim! I have important lunch matters to attend to!" The Invader roughly pushed aside Kwee as he marched past him to the Cafeteria.

Kwee watched as the doors swung closed behind him, then finally let a smirk overtake him. "Very subtle, Zim." He chuckled. There was almost something charming about just how confident the Irken was, despite his clear lack of any common sense. Kwee shook his head with a smile, then reactivated C3 to continue writing his notes.

~

The rest of the Skool day proved similarly useless. Rather than providing any information about the customs of Earth, Ms. Bitters simply elaborated on how the implosion of the planet's local star, 'Sun,' would result in the fiery doom of all life on Earth. It was all very typical knowledge. Kwee found himself staring along with the Earthen smeets as the circular time-keeping device on the wall slowly ticked its way around till the bell that signified the end of the Skool day.

He took a seat on the steps at the entrance to the Skool building, watching as the Earthen smeets spread out to return to their dwellings. He caught a quick glance of Dib making his way around back of the Skool, but gave him no acknowledgment otherwise, instead keeping a close eye on Zim, watching until the Invader began his own march to his base.

Casually, Kwee stood up in the empty schoolyard, then walked around to the back of the school. Dib peeked out from behind a generator and, after cautiously glancing around, waved to Kwee, signaling him to head over.

"Did he see you?"

"No, he is en route to his base as we speak."

Dib had to hold back another squee. "You do believe me!"

"Do people not often believe you? Zim is rather obvious."

"Everybody thinks I'm crazy." Dib groaned. "The only time someone didn't think I was crazy- well, it turned out he did, until he saw it for himself."

"What happened to him?"

"He got abducted, but anyway-" Dib brushed aside that sudden point, "you should come over to my place, I've got a whole garage full of gadgets and technology I've gathered in my pursuit of Zim. I don't know exactly what it all does, but I'm sure there's something we could use against him. Plus we can use some of my dad's stuff. You've probably heard of him, Professor Membrane, world famous scientist," Dib shrugged it aside like it wasn't anything special, "he doesn't believe me now, but I'll prove it to him! He can't ignore a real live alien exposed right in front of him!"

""How could anyone?" Kwee stifled a smile. He was mentally making notes. Just how much Irken technology had this human Dib gathered? Perhaps discussion with this 'Professor Membrane' could be interesting. Perhaps continuing Skool would be worth it, if only to monitor the behavior of Dib (and, additionally, Zim) whilst he was within Skool walls.

"Yeah! You and me, Kwee, we could be heroes!" Dib pumped his fists with a grin. "I'm just so excited! Normally I can only talk to myself, or my sister, Gaz, and she doesn't really care, but you care! This is just so amazing!"

"I do think this is the beginning of a wonderful alliance, Dib."

"Call it a friendship."

"Very well, a 'friendship' it is, then."

Chapter Text

Dib pulled open the garage door, presenting the contents like a work of art. "Check it out."

Kwee's jaw dropped. The human hadn't been lying. The garage was filled from wall to wall with Irken technology, most outdated, some broken. But what was by far most breathtaking of the collection was a modified Spittle Runner, taking up most of the space in the room. "Impressive," was all he could manage as he stepped inside.

"I see you noticed the real alien spaceship!" Dib stepped over to the modified Spittle Runner, placing a hand on it proudly — it was a victory souvenir.

"Don't touch me." The ship activated instantly. Dib quickly backed off.

"I've been trying to repair it, but it won't let me. It's still got the personality of its last owner, Tak, uploaded to it. "Dib explained.

"You know, Dib, Biology's always been my forte, but I have dabbled in coding. Perhaps I could give it a go." Kwee tilted his head in thought.

"Good luck with that. The only thing it hates more than humans is Zim."

"Seems you two have at least that in common." Kwee chuckled.

"Yeah, that's about it, though." Dib said. Something occurred to him, and his spirits suddenly rose once more. "Stay here- I'll be right back, I gotta grab something from my room-" he ran off without giving Kwee a chance to respond.

Kwee wasn't about to stop him. Dib being gone would make this a little easier. "Modified Spittle Runner. Impressive. Resembles the Zhook Cruiser. You're ahead of your time, ship." He smiled as the ship reactivated once more, silently scanning him over.

"You're Irken." It finally spoke.

"Of course." He nodded. "Mind if I hop in?"

"I belong to Tak, not you." The ship retorted.

"You belong to the Irken Empire, do you not?" He purposefully neglected to mention that he had broken ties with the Empire long before. The ship was silent. "I will let you deliberate. I'll return in time." He turned his back on the ship, awaiting Dib's return.

"...What are you doing here?" The ship asked.

Kwee paused for a moment. "That's highly classified information."

"Are we not both of the Irken Empire?" The ship said.

He couldn't help but smile, turning around again. "Very well. ...Zim is why I'm here." To be fair, it wasn't exactly a lie. The very presence of an Invader was why he had come to Earth. "Why are you here?" He shot back at the ship.

It was silent for a moment, then- "Zim is why I'm here." It echoed back to him.

"He does seem to be at the root of everyone's troubles, doesn't he?"

"More than you know."

The pattering of footsteps and rustling of grass brought Kwee's attention back to the front of the garage as Dib returned, carrying a peculiar device with spindly legs. He set it on the ground, then beckoned Kwee over to him as he set up his laptop. "Watch this-" The boy set up a program on the primitive device. Within moments, the device on the ground jumped to its spindly feet and a camera feed of the garage in front of it appeared on the laptop screen. Using the keyboard, Dib controlled the device. It was very agile, climbing, jumping, and weaving throughout the heaps of technology.

"A mobile bug? Impressive, Dib." By the standards of these humans, at least, it very well appeared to be.

"Thanks! I've been working on it in my spare time. I figure we could use it to spy on Zim and stuff!"

"How do you plan on getting it into his base?"

"Well, I used to try to sneak these types of things in, but I've found out it's easier just telling his little robot henchman to do it."

Strange behavior for a SIR unit. "Why? Isn't that at a detriment to his mission?"

"The thing seems to live in a world of its own." Dib shrugged, clueless as Kwee was. "Anyway we'd better get this bug into his base as soon as possible. Who knows what evil schemes he could be working on?"

~

Sure enough, getting the bug inside did prove to be easy. Kwee sat atop the human's 'bed,' watching as Dib handed off the bug to what appeared to be a SIR unit in a simple, green, dog onesie. The unit squeaked out a happy "Oke-doke!" Before heading into the base and setting down the bug, wandering off to some sort of kitchen-bathroom. Kwee took control of the bug and explored the area, eventually finding an entrance to the lower levels of the base through a disposal can.

Dib rushed into the room, jumping onto the bed next to Kwee. "Did I miss anything?"

"No sign of Zim yet. The robot is busy cooking."

Together, the two took turns controlling the bug and making their way around the base. Kwee took mental note as Dib pointed out places he'd been before and gasped at rooms he had never seen. Kwee pondered how often the boy had been within those walls. Nevertheless, the two found themselves growing frustrated as their search progressed. Zim was nowhere in sight.

"I don't believe he's around." Kwee said.

Dib threw his hands up helplessly. "What if we're too late? Who knows what dubious acts he could be currently-"

"Ah- HAH!" A muffled shout interrupted. The two of them quickly spun around to face none other than Zim himself staring at them through the window.

Chapter Text

"ZIM!" Dib jumped to his feet.

"Yes, it is I, ZIM!" Zim shouted, striking a dramatic pose from the other side of the window.

"What are you doing here?!" Dib responded.

"Ah, yes, Dib-beast! You never expected my plan- ZIM spying on YOU spying on ZIM!" Zim cackled. "And now, new pig-human!" He abruptly pointed to Kwee, pressing his finger against the glass. "Now Zim sees through your putrid LIES!" Kwee couldn't help but let out a light huff of amusement. "You dare laugh at Zim?!"

Kwee quickly hid his enjoyment under a face of despair. "No, Zim. I sob as my twisting web of lies falls to pieces before me!" Kwee gasped dramatically. He was doing everything in his power not to break into laughter.

"As you SHOULD, filthy human!" Zim sneered. "And now, through my brilliant plan, I've also discovered your spy device within my base!"

"Wait, I thought your plan was to spy on us spying on you, not just to spy on us." Dib raised a brow.

"eH- ??" Zim seemed momentarily taken aback. "I mean- OF COURSE! Zim has been well aware of the bug all night! And now, I shall return to destroy it!"

"No!" Dib shouted.

"Yes!" And with that, Zim disappeared from the window.

"Quickly- We've got to get the bug before he does so we can retrieve it's memory card! You keep the bug safe from here, I'll infiltrate the base-" Dib began to rush out of the room.

Kwee grabbed ahold of his arm before he could make it out. "Wait- you could get hurt, Dib. Let me go." He certainly didn't want his subject becoming damaged. Additionally, perhaps this would be a good chance to gather some fuel for C2.

"Kwee, I've been in Zim's base before- I've tried to infiltrate it hundreds of times- I know it better than anyone-"

"Trust me, Dib. I'm the master of sneakage." Kwee looked him dead in the eye.

"You're sure? I've got plans, I know how to mess with his security- what if he brainwashed you! Then I'd be- I'd be alone again.." His usual manic energy seemed to falter for a moment.

"I got it. I've done this sorta thing before. He won't even notice I was there." Kwee tilted his head and smiled. "You keep the bug safe. Goodbye, friend." And with that, he rushed out of the room.

"Wait-" Dib managed, too far too late. His stomach churned. This all felt wrong. Nonetheless, he turned back to his laptop and focused on keeping his bug on the downlow. He needed that footage. Really though, he just hoped that by the end of this, he'd still have his friend.

~

Kwee dashed down the street, following the coordinates C3 had laid out for him. Zim's angular green house stood out like a sore thumb, just as it had on the laptop feed earlier when Dib had arrived to hand the bug to the SIR unit. He rolled his eyes again. He couldn't understand how Zim ever passed as human.

"Scan for defenses, then signal-blast them." He told C3.

"On it, Sir." Within a moment, the gnomes that stood guard on the house suddenly had their programming clouded by mixed and overpowering incoming signals. Basically, a DDoS of sorts. "Path to the door is safe, Sir."

"Thanks, C3." Kwee walked to the door, then promptly knocked on it. He was answered by the same unit in the same obvious onesie. "Uh, hey, Zim's.. SIR unit... I'm Kwee, one of Zim's 'friends' from Skool. ...mind if I come in?"

The unit paused for a moment, staring at him and humming a lighthearted tune to itself. "Okay!" It walked back inside and hopped on the couch, leaving the door wide open for Kwee. He stepped inside, closing the door behind him. The SIR unit seemed preoccupied with some cutesy Earthen show, cradled by snacks on either side of him. Kwee walked past him and into the kitchen, sparing another confused glance back at the little robot before stepping into the disposal bin that doubled as an entrance to the lower levels of the base.

"C3?" Kwee asked as he made his way down on his PAK legs.  "Can you scan for fuel?"

"No sir, fuel does not emit a signal. I am not equipped for that."

Kwee sighed in frustration. "Can you locate the signal of the human Dib's bug?"

A pause. "...Yes Sir."

"I want you to create an interference with it. Block out its connection." Better safe than sorry.

"What are you planning, Sir?" C3 asked.

"We might be here a while."

Chapter Text

Sure enough, Kwee was correct. It was taking a lot of time. The area beneath the ground level was massive, filled to the brim with various rooms ranging from a medical bay to storage rooms to rooms that Kwee wasn't quite sure what was the point of. At one point he opened a door to a room filled with squirrels scurrying about. He closed the door. Perhaps it belonged to the SIR unit. 

Kwee sighed as he climbed down to the next level of the base. He had infiltrated Invader bases many times before, but none so disorganized. He was sure Zim had already found the bug by now. That distraction was likely off the table and the Dib would likely be on his way if Kwee did not return soon. He stifled a groan. He had never expected this to be so difficult.

 He passed through several more miscellaneous rooms. How Zim ever kept track of all this, he couldn't understand. Kwee's regularly slick and light movements became sloppy as the time dragged on. That urge to progress was screaming at him again. He wanted nothing more than to find the gas and get out. Kwee backed out of a room and leaned against the wall with a sigh.

 "Looking for this?"

Zim's smug voice jolted his energy back. Kwee jumped back, taking a defensive stance. Zim stood a little down the hall from him, Dib's bug in hand. He was no longer in disguise. His magenta eyes glowed in the dim light as he stared down Kwee.

"Actually... no." Kwee replied.

Zim's antennae twitched, taken aback. "But this is the Dib-human's bug, is it not? Your plan has failed, new-human!" He grinned once more.

Kwee pondered for a moment, silent, considering his options. Zim stood between him and the entrance, and although the Invader was well known to be incompetent, he was certainly skilled, having trained in combat and deemed worthy to be an Invader in Operation Impending Doom I. Kwee himself had only basic military training, enough to defend himself against an average enemy, but an Invader? He could not win a fight against Zim alone, much less whilst keeping up this human facade.

"Stunned by your failure into silence, human?" Zim mockingly tilted a head.

"...No. I have not failed. The Dib's plan has failed." Kwee pulled up his hoodie sleeve, manually turning off his disguise on C3. His human appearance slipped away like melting light, revealing his true identity.

"eH- ?? You're- you're Irken!"

"Correct." Kwee nodded.

"What are you doing here? The Earth is MY mission! You've come to steal it, haven't you! Just like Tak!" Zim pointed an accusing finger at Kwee.

"Steal your mission? No, absolutely not."

"YOU'RE AFTER MY ROBOT BEE!"

"Your- wha? -no, Zim. I'm here to get fuel so I won't be stuck on this planet." Kwee explained.

Zim paused, humming as now he pondered. "Fuel, eh? Perhaps Zim can provide this fuel." Kwee perked up. "But I will not!" Zim finished.

"Any specific reason?"

"Zim has found several reasons. For one, you are working with the enemy!"

Ah, Dib. "You are mistaken."

"Then what do you call THIS?" Zim raised the bug up once more.

"A bug." Kwee responded matter-of-factly.

"EXACTLY! A bug for spying- on who? On ZIM!"

 "Of course. Perhaps I will explain to you once you show me to the fuel."

 "Zim is no fool. Tell me and be rewarded."

 "Show me to the fuel and you shall be rewarded."

Zim paused, scowling. "What is your rank, uh... you?"

"I'm Kwee."

"What is your rank, Kwee? ...that's oddly familiar, have we met before?" He tilted his head.

"Maybe."

"YET ANOTHER QUESTION! What is your rank?"

"I'm a scientist, a biologist to be precise." 

"Well then, Biologist Kwee, as an Invader and your superior, I order you to tell me why you are working on Earth with the Dib-stink, as well as if we've met, as well as any future questions that may occur to Zim!"

 "....No?"

Zim seemed taken aback yet again. "NO? YOU DARE DEFY ZIM? YOUR SUPERIOR?"

Kwee took a step back. A fight was not what he wanted. "Perhaps I was ordered by the Tallest to not tell Zim."

Zim laughed. "AS THOUGH the Tallest would keep a secret from Zim, their GREATEST INVADER!"

The guy was absolutely delusional. "Why don't you ask them?"

"Hmm." Zim paused yet again, taking a moment to think. "You raise a good point, Kwee. BUT- Zim is no fool, until I am given a confirmation by my Tallest, I'm going to keep a close eye on you." He grinned, a smile laced with malice as he tossed the damaged bug aside and reared up on his PAK legs.

Shit. Perhaps Zim was smarter than Kwee gave him credit for. Kwee took another step back, preparing for Zim to strike. Soon enough, the Invader dived at him, Kwee just barely dodging out of the way. His own PAK legs activated as he jumped to and off the wall, making a beeline toward the elevator.

"COMPUTER! CLOSE ALL ENTRANCES TO THE ELEVATOR!" Zim shouted behind him. Kwee hardly had any time to react as the elevator entrance snapped shut, on two of his PAK legs to his despair. They were meant to withstand strength, tough enough to hold their owner with agility, but they were no match for the power of a strong, metal, emergency door. The tips of the two legs snapped off in almost an instant. Kwee pulled away from the door, his PAK sending shockwaves to his brain. He got to his feet once more, but his PAK legs were wobbly. He turned himself around unsteadily to find himself face to face with a raygun, held by none other than Zim himself, armed with a smile to match. 

"I suggest we go to my lab, 'Biologist Kwee.'"