Archive of Our Own ^beta

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It didn’t take long after the beginning of the F1 tinder bios for them to become infamous, not just around the paddock itself but also in other formulas and racing series. It’s the fault of Mitch Evans and Danny Ric that it spreads to the Formula E drivers. The two drivers go way back and as soon as Mitch phones Dan, intrigued by the idea, the Aussie is quick to give as much detail and encouragement as possible. By the end of what becomes a very long phone call, Mitch has a whole lot of ideas and a bunch of tinder bios to start making. Seeing as Dan gave him a few ideas for the pair, Mitch decides to start with two previous F1 drivers- Stoffel and JEV.

Luckily Jev is always easy to find, seeing as all you have to do is either find him or Andre and the other one will soon show up. Fortunately however he manages to find JEV first and he’s even on his own. Mitch begins explaining what he’s doing and it doesn’t take very long for recognition to dawn on JEV’s face.

“I’ve heard about this. I take it Dan put you up to it?” He asks sighing as he puts his hand out for Mitch’s phone.

The Kiwi gives him a sheepish grin before handing over the device.

Jean-Éric, French, 29.
Dresses well, undresses better.
French kissing is the best kissing.
Likes all types of photography…

JEV groans as he hands the phone back over.

“If you show people this and they start asking for nude photo shoots I swear to God…”

Mitch chuckles in response and shakes his head.

“Nah don’t worry everyone is too scared of André to do that.”

JEV snorts in response. “I take it you didn’t tell Daniel you were putting that kissing comment in?”

Mitch grins cheekily in response, a slight blush on his face. Before he can respond however he notices Stoffel walking slightly further away in the paddock.

“Sorry JEV just saw Stoffel over there, gotta run and show him his own,” Mitch says already turning to rush away.

“Bye,” JEV says, rolling his eyes. Mitch doesn’t notice however, already half running, half walking over to the Belgian.

…

“Hey Stoff,” Mitch yells out, far too loudly for the middle of a paddock. Almost everyone nearby turns around to stare at him while Stoffel reluctantly turns around, unable to pretend he didn’t hear him.

“Hey Mitch,” Stoffel says hesitantly, suspicious of the excitable way Mitch is bouncing up and down on his toes, beaming at him. “What’s up?”

“I made this for you,” Mitch says grinning whilst handing his phone to the Belgian. He knows there is no point explaining as Stoffel is still in touch with many of the guys in F1.

“I take it you’re doing these for everyone right? And here I thought you and Kevin were very different types of insane,” Stoffel says cryptically before beginning to read the bio.

Stoffel, 27.
As hot as a Belgian waffle.
Suns out puns guns out.
Need a partner for more extensive workouts…

Before Mitch can ask Stoffel about his previous Kevin comment. Or figure out why a guy who doesn’t normally mind these kind of jokes is literally bright scarlet in blush, Stoffel is able to start speaking before him. He gestures to one of his team engineers who is standing reasonably close by, mutters something incomprehensible about data or tyres or something before fleeing… In completely the opposite direction.

Mitch’s gaze follows after him for a few moments, confused, before shaking his head and deciding to head back to his own garage. Trying not to ponder on it to much he resolves to ask Stoffel about it next time he sees him. After all, right now he still has a bunch of tinder bios to write!

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Seeing as André will be one of the first drivers to find out about what he’s doing, Mitch decides to do his bio next. Thanks to some idea sharing with Dan he also decides to start making Felipe’s as well. With help from JEV he is also able to find out André’s whereabouts pretty quickly. Almost as soon as he walks over to him, recognition dawns on the German’s face and he greets him warmly.

“Hey Mitch, I hear you might have something to show me?” The older man asks with a smirk on his face. 

Mitch grins cheekily back at him and hands over his phone. “Sure, here you are mate.”

André snatches the phone from him and immediately starts reading.

The daddiest of racing drivers- André Thoterrer. Flirt in many languages. 

Likes classic cars and classy gentlemen. 

If you fancy Luke Evans then you’ll fancy me. 

“Send me a screenshot?” André asks with a smirk. “I’m going to show JEV.”

Mitch barely has time to give an agreement before André is patting him on the shoulder in farewell and the German heads of. If his added swagger is any suggestion as to where he’s going then he is clearly already heading to find JEV. Mitch shakes his head fondly while sending the picture before he walks away himself to find Felipe.

… 

Anyone who knows motor-sport knows who Felipe is, so luckily it doesn’t take long to find him by just asking around the paddock, compared to what it would be with anyone else.

When he goes up to the older man, Felipe looks a bit confused, after all they haven’t really spoken much before now. Despite that, the Brazilian still greets him warmly.

“Hello Mitch, how can I help you?” 

“Hi Felipe, I was just wondering if you heard about the F1 drivers tinder bio thing?” Mitch asks grinning brightly.

At that question, Felipe frowns at him slightly.

“I know I’m old and I haven’t been there the last couple of years but people still tell me things and-” at that point he cuts himself off mid argument, having realised something. “Wait a second, you’ve made more haven’t you?” He asks.

“Yu-p,” Mitch replies, popping the p for emphasis. “I figured all the FE drivers deserved one too, do you want to see yours?” By this point he’s waving his phone in front of Felipe enticingly.

“Go on then,” Felipe sighs and Mitch passes the mobile over. 

Felipe, age 38.

Likes to be called ‘baby’ or ‘sunshine’.

Attracted to older British guys only.

Pocket rockets can last for a long time. 

Rather than the usual grin you would expect to see, Felipe has a frown on his face, lips barely even twitching when he gets to the last line. Worried he has offended him or somehow hurt his feelings, Mitch begins to apologise but the Brazilian cuts him off before he can finish. 

“I’m just missing Rob a bit is all.”

At that comment Mitch definitely does feel guilty. He tries to apologise once more but Felipe brushes it off.

“He will find this funny when I show it to him. I tried to explain when the F1 drivers did it but I think he understands these online things even less than I do.”

Beginning to feel a bit better about what he’s written for Felipe, Mitch begins to think of an even better way to cheer him up.

“You can help me think of some ideas for all the current FE drivers if you want?” He offers and is pleased when the older man responds with a smile and an enthusiastic agreement.

The pair stand together for a while longer, chatting and laughing as they think of different assets and funny things about all the other drivers. When they finally head in separate directions, Felipe even feels a little less lonely than he did before.

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For the next bios, Mitch decides to make his way to the Envision Virgin Racing garage hoping to catch both of the drivers at once. As he walks into the garage he gets a few weird looks but luckily no one really questions him as he heads further in to where he hopes the driver rooms are. Thankfully the layout for all the garages is pretty similar and it doesn’t take long for him to notice Sam and Robin’s rooms. The rooms are joined together but rather than being in their separate spaces, Mitch notices that Sam’s door is open and both drivers are inside. The Brit is sitting scrolling through his phone while Robin is lying dozing on top of his legs. When Sam notices Mitch standing outside, he puts his mobile down and grins at the Kiwi.

“Hey,” Mitch greets him, “I was hoping to talk to you both but I could come back later?” He offers with a grin. 

Sam shakes his head in response. “Nah it’s okay, he’ll need to wake up soon for practice anyway.” With that comment, he starts shaking Robin awake as the other man groans out loud. 

Robin mumbles something that sounds like ‘5 more minutes,’ and tries to burrow further onto Sam’s lap. At that Sam starts shoving him more insistently so he’s facing upright.

“We need to be up for practice and Mitch is here to speak to us.”

Robin grumbles a bit more but stops resisting. He mumbled a greeting to Mitch before rubbing his eyes to try and wake himself up. 

“Sorry to bother you guys I just wanted to show you your tinder bios,” Mitch says with a grin. 

At that Robin fully wakes up and the two Envision drivers both start fighting with each other, pulling their teammate back so they can try and get to the mobile first, both bickering at the same time. Mitch watches amused for a couple of minutes before he decides to step in.

“Why don’t I sit with you both and we can all read them at the same time?” He asks the pair amused. 

Sam and Robin pull apart, the two feeling slightly sheepish as they pat a space between them on the bed so that Mitch can sit down between them. As he sits down the pair look over his shoulder and they are finally able to start reading.

Robin, 28

My butt is my best ass-et.

Loves sleeping as well as sleeping with people. 

Dutch has a capital ‘D’ for a reason.

Sam, 32

Need a helmet to hide it for a reason.

Aggressive on the track, a gentleman in bed.

(no I’m NOT the Sam Bird on Love Island sorry)

After reading their bios both of the drivers are laughing. They spend a while teasing each other about what is in their bios and ask Mitch about the other ones he has done. While they all could have spent a lot longer doing that, on account of Robin’s sleeping and then the teammates bickering they are all due to get ready for practice by this point.

Realising he has a long walk back to the Jaguar garage as Robin and Sam get called away by an engineer, Mitch says his farewells before having to rush back to his team to get ready. While the boss might berate him a bit about his time management, Mitch doesn’t hear too much of the telling off, too busy trying to think of the next bios in his head.

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Pascal isn’t the tallest driver ever seen in the paddock but luckily for Mitch, thanks to the German’s unique curly hairstyle, the younger man is still easy to spot when you are looking for him. Without even really trying, he manages to spy Pascal a short distance away and fortunately manages to catch him before any interviewers do.

“Hey, Pascal,” he greets and the German grins at him.

“Hey Mitch, you alright?” He asks.

The pair speak for a while and Mitch, chatty as he is, even forgets the aim of the conversation for a while. As they begin to draw closer to Pascal’s garage however, he remembers to get his phone out.

“I actually wanted to show you the tinder bio for you,” the Kiwi says as he hands his mobile over. Pascal smiles excited, telling him about what he’d heard from the old Mercedes garage about these before he takes a look at his own. 

Pascal, 24

Curly hair up and downstairs.

Likes topless photos-

Is looking for someone to spend sunny holidays with.

“I’m glad someone appreciates my awesome hair, even if you needed to take it like that,” Pascal says while shoving him playfully, clearly still hung up over the other drivers not saying he had the nicest hair.

By that point they have reached the Mahindra garage. The pair say a cheerful farewell and Mitch heads of to find his next victim or er fellow racing driver. 

...

The next person he had to try and find was Alexander Sims. After all of the FE videos with the drivers commenting on his lack of style and just general friendly teasing, he had a lot of ideas for a bio for the British man. As the man is so unassuming it is almost impossible to find him. As soon as he changes out of his race suit it’s like he puts on an invisibility cloak, making him hidden from the press and a nightmare for anyone else to spot in the crowd. 

Giving up on finding him in the paddock, as they are done driving for the day, he uses his charms on one of the team members at BMW Andretti to convince them to give him Sim’s room number at their hotel. After a while he it pays off and he is told the room number, or perhaps they have just given up in annoyance, he’s not too sure. Either way, now that he’s done his duties for the day, he can head back to the hotel and finally show Alexander his bio.

When he knocks on Alexander’s door, the Brit greets him politely but he looks pretty confused as to why Mitch is there and probably how he found him in the first place, so Mitch begins to explain.

“Hey mate, I got your room number from someone in your team. I have your tinder bio if you want to see it?”

Alexander looks a bit hesitant, figuring that whatever’s in it is just going to be taking the piss as usual. Figuring it’s better to get it out of the way however he lets the Kiwi in and takes the phone from him before starting to read.

Alexander, 31- Certified ‘Otter’

Low points for style- high score for execution..

Ready to Alexander Stimulates you.

Dorky glasses let me see how beautiful we would look together.

Alexander lets out a chuckle as he reads, it’s fairly amusing and he’s pleased it has the same nice teasing tone he’s heard about in all of the other ones. Handing back the phone to Mitch he feels the need to ask him one thing.

“Are you guys ever going to get over my clothes?” He questions.

Fluttering his eyelashes Mitch replies, “maybe if you let me take you shopping?”

Horrified by the suggestion, politely as possible Alexander has to usher Mitch out of the door, figuring he would rather keep being made fun of than have to go through that ordeal. As soon as Mitch has left, he has to get his phone out and search up what the term ‘Otter’ means, he isn’t sure whether to be insulted or not.

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As the Formula E season is rather short  and he only started this a good few races in- Mitch decides to do the two Ollie’s together for efficiency reasons. The ideal time is when they are all forced to stand about and watch during the qualifying sessions unfortunately (or fortunately for this situation), neither himself or the two Ollie’s got into the final run of qualifying, so he will be able to speak to them easily enough when the press dies down.

“Ollie?” he shouts out and rightly enough gets two in sync responses of “What, wait which one!?”

“Both of you,” he replies, grinning at the snickering of the other drivers. “Can you get me at my driver’s room once you’re done with your duties for the day?” he asks.

“Fine,” the pair agree before beginning to mutter between themselves at the fact that people can’t just consistently pick either Ollie or Oliver for one of them, or hell even just use their surnames if it’s that difficult.

Qualifying is now over and Mitch braces himself to face the press.

…

The first of the drivers to be done for the day is Oliver Turvey, who knocks on Mitch’s door not long after the New Zealander had just arrived there himself. Mitch shakes his phone enticingly in front of Oliver as he comes in and the Brit rolls his eyes fondly, curious to see what the other man has put as they don’t know each other particularly well. After they have greeted each other he takes the phone from Mitch and starts reading.

Oliver Turvey, 32

Engineering is a hands on degree...

Ready to get your motor running 

Sex is hardly rocket science.

Maybe it’s just a testament to the fact they aren’t that close but Oliver is comfortable with the engineering jokes and it’s easy to generate some conversation and more laughs from that. When the door finally knocks once more, Oliver Turvey says his farewells and let’s the other man in, swapping one Ollie for another.

...

“I nearly didn’t come when I figured out what you wanted me to come here for,” Ollie states with a cheeky grin.

“Guess you’re just too nosy then,” Mitch retorts back jokingly, resulting in a playful shove to his shoulder. 

With that he hands his phone over to the second Brit of the day and allows him to read.

Oliver Rowland, 27

Doesn’t just rowl over and take it.

Likes to have big hair and prefers big…

“Have you even seen your own quiff mate?” Oliver asks while patting his own hair self consciously. 

“Sure have,” Mitch responds with a smirk, “if you’re wondering about the dick thing…” he trails off, waiting on the Brit’s reaction.

“Absolutely not,” Oliver replies almost shrieking in protest. 

After taking a moment to calm down and in fear of Mitch saying any more, Oliver decides to retaliate.

“I’ll send Alex your regards as I’m leaving then?” he questions with a seemingly innocent flutter of his eyelashes.

The way Ollie is practically wheezing with laughter as he gets chucked out of Mitch’s driver room makes him pretty sure that the other man is joking. All the same, he decides to camp out in his teammates room for a little while, just in case.

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The next bio Mitch decides to do is Maxi Günther’s, well erm, in case he gets kicked out of his team again basically.  After having a few ideas he also makes up the bio for Daniel Abt at the same time. Covering the jaguar label on his polo protectively, Mitch makes his way through the Audi garage quickly, grateful that his sunglasses allow him to avoid eye contact with various crew members. He knocks on Daniel’s door a billion times in rapid succession, hoping to be hidden from the main hallway as soon as possible. When Daniel answers Mitch grabs him out of his room and starts rushing him over to Maxi’s room in the Geox garage. The older German begins to grill him about what he’s doing, beginning to get really agitated. It takes a frankly suspiciously long time for the younger German to open his door but eventually he does and Mitch shoves Daniel inside before closing the door behind them.

“Can I help you?” Maxi asks sounding a bit disgruntled as he walks away from the door and flops down onto his couch. 

Daniel Abt’s own complaints and grilling die down as himself and Mitch take in the younger man’s slightly flushed cheeks and the odd number of tissues crumpled into the room’s bin.

“I just wanted to show you guys your tinder bios,” Mitch explains as he tries to find them on his phone whilst being extremely careful not to touch anything in the room.

“What?” the younger German questions him, confused.

At that point Mitch awkwardly realises that Maxi hadn’t been in the paddock when he started doing this but luckily Daniel decides to explain to him in rapid fire German, allowing Mitch to quite happily stay out of the conversation.

Once the situation has been explained the pair both want to see their bios and Mitch hands his phone over quickly, deciding to get it over and done with.

Daniel, 26

I’ll own you like a motorsport team.

Beard burn > Burning up tyres. 

Maxi(millian), 22

I might not always complete racing series but I’ll make sure you finish.

Stamina more important than experience.

The pair glare at him slightly and he tries to give them his winning grin, feeling a bit sheepish about the two bios. Daniel can’t help but grin at him in response, unable to look at the bad side of something for too long but Maxi still doesn’t look very impressed with him, which is fair enough. Worried he’ll draw the attention of the GEOX staff members if Maxi suddenly starts yelling, Mitch makes a hasty exit as the two teammates starts whispering harshly in German. He figures it’s probably for the best not to find out what they were actually talking about.

If the amount of tissue paper needing to be cleared from Maxi’s bin happens to decrease substantially at the next race weekend, well the janitors probably won’t want to think too much about it. 

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If there’s one person it’s almost impossible to get alone because of all of the press it’s Lucas DiGrassi. No man can talk to the media forever however and even Lucas sometimes needs a break. When Lucas heads away from them for a while, needing to take a drink from his reusable water bottle made from recycled plastics, Mitch finally gets his opportunity to talk to him.

“Hey Lucas, you got a sec?” he asks.

Lucas spares a glance to his teams media guy who is gesturing with his hand going across his neck. Ignoring him however Lucas replies.

“Sure I have a couple of minutes to spare,” he replies, causing Audi team members to start going through calendars and type on their phones frantically. 

“I was just going to show you your tinder bio,” Mitch says, already handing his phone over to Lucas to save as much time as possible.

“Ah I was wondering when you would get to me,” Lucas says grinning as he begins to read.

Lucas, 35

Sucking dick to save the planet

I’ll let you see my (Brazil) nuts.

Already a dad(dy)

The pair have a laugh about the bio before one of the guys from Lucas’ team clears their throat uncomfortably, reminding him he still has a lot of duties for the day. When Lucas says his goodbyes, Mitch looks around for the next person he plans on giving their bio- Antonio. Unable to find him he decides to ask Lucas for a favour.

“While you are going do you mind bringing the media with you? I need to try and find Antonio.”

Understanding what the Kiwi means, Lucas agrees with a grin. As he heads in the direction of the Audi garage, he starts yelling about Roborace and about the unfairness of the way they qualify in Formula E. As planned all the press start running behind him, hoping to get some big exclusive comments. Now that the paddock is a bit quieter, Mitch looks around again and finally he sees Antonio finishing up an interview with a couple of the straggling members of the media.

Mitch walks over towards him and when Antonio notices him, he quickly wraps up his statements and heads over, keen to be done with all the pointless talking for the day.

“Hey Mitch,” Antonio greets him warmly. 

The pair engage in some boring small talk for a few minutes, making sure that anyone around them loses interest before they start chatting.

“Want to see your tinder bio?” Mitch asks eventually.

Antonio agrees quickly and begins to read once Mitch’s phone has been handed over to him.

António, 28

Will you be my (portu)gal?

My name isn’t as long as my… 

“Well my name is pretty long compared to most of the guys around here,” Antonio says with a grin and Mitch tries not to think about it, well in too much detail anyway. 

Instead he decides to use that comment as a segue to talking through some ideas for the drivers he still has left to do with Antonio. After the pair parted ways, Mitch decides to head back to his own garage, deciding to spend some time completing more of the bios. 

The next time he runs into Ant, he needs to make sure not to stare at the outline just above the leg section of his race suit. Or at least not be too obvious about it. Apparently Mitch never really mastered subtlety.