Work Text:
Welcome to Couples for Cash. The game show where couples get to show how much they know about each other, and, for each correct match, our couples win 10 dollars!
“Hello, my name is Brooke Lynn Hytes, or Brock if you’re nasty.” Brooke smiles. He’s wearing a black sweater with a white t-shirt underneath, the neckline of it just visible. His blonde curls carefully styled. “I’m originally from Toronto, then Nashville and now L.A, and I’m the winner of Ru Paul’s Drag Race season 11.”
“I’m Vanessa Vanjie Mateo-Hytes.” Vanjie smiles. “Nah chiil’, I be joking, it’s just Mateo.” Vanjie’s wearing a bright orange hoodie, and a black cap that’s on backwards. “I’ve been on season 10, season 11 and also All Stars season 6, so if you ain’t caught me on TV, you fucked up, cause I basically been on the show more than Ru.”
~
“I don’t really think there’s anyone left who doesn’t know we’re dating.” Brooke crosses his legs. “I had known of Jose for years-”
~
“How could you not know of a bitch who slays every pageant he enters?” Vanjie nods his head. “Back then I was backup dancing and we dancers, we talk too honey, so I had my little peepers out and I swear I screamed when I saw that mountie outfit sashay into the workroom.” Vanjie laughs.
~
“We didn’t actually meet until we were on set for Drag Race.”
~
“He always goes around saying I made the first move, but he a filthy ass liar.” Vanjie points at the camera.
~
“We’ve been together for about.” Brooke’s brow wrinkles. The camera switches to show both of them.
“You better get this right.” Vanjie looks over at Brooke, who’s clearly counting something, Vanjie’s eyebrows raised. “Y’all,” Vanjie sighs. “Look at this.”
Brooke finishes counting on his fingers. “Almost 4 years now?”
“How come you don’t know that shit?”
Brooke looks back at Vanjie. “Isn’t it right?”
“It ain’t just almost 4 years, it’s 1223 days!” Vanjie throws his hand up. “Bitch, thank fuck they ain’t asking us that shit.”
“You know it to the day?” Brooke laughs, reaching over to touch Vanjie’s knee. “Why do you know it to the day?”
“Im’a romantic.”
Brooke smiles, and leans in, Vanjie huffing at first before they meet in a gentle peck.
“What Drag Race contestant would you switch wardrobes with?”
“Oh god,” Vanjie pulls a face. “I don’t know? If I could be anyone? Naomi Smalls?”
Brooke flips his sign. “I said Roxxy Andrews. Does this mean we don’t get the 10?”
“Awh babe.” Vanjie snorts. “I wish I had that body. She a drag goddess.”
“Roxxy is who I want to be when I grow up.” Brooke laughs, before he throws his paper on the floor.
“Bitch,” Vanjie smirks. “You already 35, it too late.”
“I swear, the minute I turned 35,” Brooke rolls his eyes. “Jose hasn’t shut up about me being old.”
“You my old mans, what can I say.” Vanjie shrugs, delight clear on his face. “You should be happy you getting that young flesh.” Vanji wiggles his eyebrows, running a hand over his chest.
“You’re turning 30 any second,”
“Don’t tell them that!” Vanjie yells.
“So calm down cowboy.” Brooke laughs.
*
Brooke looks at the camera. “I’d want to switch with Detox.”
“Ding ding ding!” Vanjie holds up his sign. Has written ‘Detox’ on it. “10 whole motherfucknig dollars!” Vanjie laughs. “Look who knows their babe.”
“It’s a pretty obvious one.” Brooke smiles. “Detox has amazing style, she has great fashion. So of course she’s the one I’d want to switch with.”
“What do you fight about the most?”
They flip their signs at the same time. Both says ‘privacy’.
Vanjie looks over at Brooke’s, his eyes going wide. “Shiiiit.” Vanjie laughs. “Look at us go!”
“I wouldn’t say we fight about this.” Brooke puts his sign down, “but we do bricker about it. A lot.”
“We got real different ideas of what is confindiata.” Vanjie throws his sign over his shoulder.
“Brooke Lynn and Brock have a lot in common, but they’re not the same person, and I don’t enjoy sharing everything about our personal life.” Brooke smiles a little. “It’s called a personal life for a reason.”
“And I ain’t got that. I came out the womb as Vanjie."
Brooke snorts. “With your mom, I absolutely believe it.”
“I be in my feels 24/7” Vanjie shrugs. “So I don’t always remember to consider that boo ain’t the same.”
Brooke laughs. “When I started my drag career, I didn’t even consider that I’d have people who cared about my personal life. Coming through ballet and the pageant system, people don’t care what you do at home. They want to see you on stage, and what you bring there.” Brooke smiles. “I count it as a win anytime I don’t have hundreds of strangers messaging me about the fact that my boyfriend has put Rihanna song on his Instastory.”
Vanjie snorts, and quickly covers his mouth to hide his laugh. “It was an emergency.”
“The airline put us three rows apart.” Brooke raises an eyebrow. “That’s no reason to put ‘Love the way you lie’ and a picture of us online.”
“You promised and we was boarding a six hour flight!” Vanjie laughs. “I wanted to watch movies with you bitch.”
“My phone nearly commited suicide when I finally reconnected to 4G.” Brooke smiles. As they talked, they have moved closer together, Vanjie’s leg’s touching Brooke, Brooke’s hand firmly on Vanjie’s thigh, holding him in.
“I-” Brooke points at himself. “Have a tendency to not be as careful when it comes to security and privacy as you do.”
“You mean your head lives up your ass?” Vanjie smirks.
“Exactly.” Brooke laughs. “I often forget how..” Brooke takes a moment, clearly thinking over his words. “Invested, our fans can be.”
Vanjie nods, backing Brooke’s story up.
“I sometimes share things like hotel names, flight numbers or what restaurant we have bookings at, without considering the consequences.”
“Bitch you fucking do.” Vanjie sighs. “One time, we had to cancel a reservation at a real nice restaurant.”
“Our first time seeing each other in three weeks.”
“Bitch you ain’t gotta pour salt in the wound.”
Brooke laughs. “Sorry baby.”
“We show up, and inside there be two fans just casually chilling at our table.” Vanjie looks at the camera. “All cause Brooke Poo couldn’t keep his mouth shut.”
“I shared the menu and didn’t even consider that I was excited about the afternoon specials.” Brooke rolls his eyes. “Anytime there’s fans at the airport. It’s probably my fault.”
“Ho.” Vanjie looks at Brooke. “It’s always your fault.”
“Who takes the longest to get ready?”
They flip their signs at the same time. Both says Vanjie.
Vanjie screeches. “No!” Vanjie hits Brooke with his sign. “Why you do that!”
“Don’t act surprised!” Brooke laughs. “You put it down too.” Brooke grabs Vanjie’s sign. “You know this. We talk about it regularly.”
“Just cause it’s true don’t mean you gotta say it!” Vanjie laughs.
“Jose can easily take 3-4 hours to get ready.” Brooke throws both of their signs down on the floor. “I prefer having over an hour, but I can get ready in 25 minute-”
“Nobody supposed to be that fast.” Vanjie points at the camera. “Sometimes I blink and he in full drag, just, kaboom.” Vanjie does jazz hands. “He tucked and ready to go, while Imma still be brushing my pearly whites.”
“He’s not exactly fast.” Brooke smiles.
“I take the time I take.” Vanjie flips an invisible wig over his shoulder. “You can’t rush perfection, I learned that shit from Violet Chachki.”
“Guess some of us are just born perfect then.” Brooke looks into the camera, smirk on his lips.
“What is your guilty pleasure?”
“I ain’t guilty about nothing.” Vanjie crosses his arms, an eyebrow raised.
“That is such a fucking lie.” Brooke laughs.
“Nu uh!” Vanjie looks at him. “You know I be an honest motherfucker.”
Brooke points at Vanjie. “It’s something you do that you always regret the minute you’re done.”
“You ain’t got shit on me Miss Brooke Lynn.”
Brooke turns the sign. Has written ‘talking about my dick’.
“Aaaah!!” Vanjie reaches over. “Put that away!”
Brooke laughs, holds the sign up in the air.
“See?” Brooke looks down at Vanjie, who’s blushing.
“Bitch stop being cute!”
Brooke throws the sign away. “He loves oversharing-”
“I do, I really fucking do” Vanjie smirks.
“And then he immediately regrets everything he has ever said.”
~
“What my guiltiest pleasure is?” Brooke thinks for a moment. “Skipping gym? I love sleeping in, and it’s fucking perfection whenever my ADD, or Jose,” Brooke looks over at Vanjie, “let’s me.”
“Get your head out of your ass white boy.” Vanjie laughs. “That ain’t the truth.” Vanjie flips his sign. Says ‘drunk food’.
“Uuuh.” Brooke chuckles. “That’s very very true.” Brooke points at the sign. “There are few things I love more than, well, anything, at 3. Am.”
“You once finished a whole entire ass team box from Maccy D in Europe.” Vanjie looks at the camera, brow raised. “That a three people meal.”
“Which is exactly why.” Brooke smiles. “I can’t skip going to the gym.”
“You fine as fuck baby.” Vanjie laughs. “You hot no matter what, even if you old as dirt.”
Vanjie screeches in delight, while Brooke rolls his eyes.
“See what I have to deal with?”
“If you were not a Drag Queen, what profession would you be doing?”
“Probably a dancer?” Brooke turns to Vanjie. “I like the idea of owning a studio?”
Vanjie turns his card, says ‘dancer’.
“Does that count?” Brooke looks at the camera.
“Bish of course it counts. You wanna be an Alyssa type? You better hope Steve is in on that idea.”
“I better.” Brooke smiles.
“I’d be doing some kind of something with, some kind of show.”
Brooke turns his sign. Has written dancer/stylist.
“Stylist?” Vanjie does a double take. “Why the fuck you put stylist?”
“You’re the best dressed person I know, and you’re already one anyway.”
“For who?”
“Well..” Brooke smiles. “Me.”
Vanjie blushes, quickly grabs his can of red bull.
“What is your most annoying habit?”
“What I think he think the most annoying thing is?” Vanjie bits his lip, clearly you thinking. “You be gooping around ‘bout my cleaning a whole ass lot.”
Brooke flips his sign, says ‘cleaning’.
“Jose cares, s-o, much about cleaning, and while I appreciate it.”
“Bitch you better.” Vanjie huffs, his hand going straight to his hip.
“He’s not actually very good at it.”
Vanjie gasps. “How dare you!”
“Don’t get mad.” Brooke reaches over and touches Vanjie’s knee. “But you do have a tendency to pour bleach down the drain,”
“I did that two times.”
“Before I caught you.” Brooke chuckles. “You throw my food out-”
“Oh fuck no!”
“I like to keep things after the expiration date if it hasn’t gone bad.”
“And I call it hygiene if the food is nasty.”
“Milk barely survives in our house.” Brooke laughs. “How many washing machines have you managed to destroy?”
Vanjie blushes. “.. Three.”
“Three.” Brooke looks into the camera like he’s in the Office. “The last one died because you wanted to wash your shoes. You’re not supposed to put shoes in the washer.”
“I saw it on the tubes.” Vanjie shrugged.
~
“My best guess is eating habits?”
Vanjie turns his sign. Has written ‘snacks’ on it. “Cheese puffs and pork rinds baby.”
“Oh fuck.” Brooke laughs so hard he snorts.
“He be snacking up a storm when he watching TV,” Vanjie points at the camera, “and I tell you, ain’t nothing making me gag like fucking pork rinds.”
“Oh shit.” Brooke laughs so hard he snorts. “That’s actually one of the things that surprised me the most about a committed relationship.” Boroke smiles. “How much, and I repeat, how much, you enjoy time alone so you can eat the things your partner doesn’t like.”
What’s your favorite sexual position?
“Anytime I get a bounce on that fat meat of his.” Vanjie smirks. “And when he fucks? Bitch I tell you, you jiggle like jelly. In a perfect world, chil’d,” Vanjie sighs, “he’d be a ride at the motherfucking boardwalk, cause friend, it that good if you know what I’m saying.”
Brooke laughs. Flips his paper, has written. ‘Yeeha’ on it and drawn a little cowboy hat.
“The fuc- Oh my god!” Vanjie blushes. “Put that away! Neto, no, wait, veto! Veto the house down!” Vanjie grabs the sign, his cheeks bright red.
“Are you embarrassed?” Brooke smirks.
“Changed my mind ho. Ain’t nobodies business how my man fucks but me. That shit too powerful, you got the good D on lockdown, you move those hips like you at-“ Vanjie’s eyes goes wide, and he throws a hand over his own mouth.
“See what I mean about guiltiest pleasure?” Brooke raises an eyebrow. “Should I show them your paper?”
“Fuck no.” Vanjie tears the sign apart, Brooke not even getting the chance to show it off.
Congratulations. You’ve won 110 dollars!