Chapter Text
What does it mean to be a father?
Steve wasn’t sure if he even knew the answer to that. His father had left his mother when he was still young and any memory he had left of the man weren’t worth remembering. Besides, the last thing Steve wanted to do was to fall short of being the father his child deserved, the father he desperately needed when he was a little boy. Thoughts of his father made him appreciate and admire his mother even more than he already did. He knew that being a parent wasn’t an easy task but somehow his mother managed to do it so graciously. Being a mother to her always came first and he wished she was still here to help guide him through parenthood.
He never even considered how difficult it would be to balance being Captain America and being a father, never fully realized how hard it would be to walk out the door and leave his family behind while he was out fighting who knows what — at least not until Nick Fury was calling him in the middle of the night with an assignment. There was gnawing feeling in the pit of his stomach that reminded him of how dangerous his job really was. It didn’t matter before, truthfully danger wasn’t exactly on his list of concerns, and he knew what he signed up for when he agreed to let them pump the super serum through his veins but it was different now. He had a wife and a child to think about now and he couldn’t make impulsive decisions anymore — everything he does from now on directly affects his family, and the thought that every time he leaves could be the last time he would ever see them again made it that much harder to walk out the door. And what made it even worse was the fact that Natasha was still only pregnant. If it was tough now, he could only imagine how difficult it was going to be when their baby was actually born.
Steve ran his hand through his hair and over his face tiredly. Aside from the cuts and bruises, he had gotten lucky — thanks to the serum, they would probably be gone by the morning. He pulled his phone out of his pocket and scrolled through his contact list until he stumbled upon her name. It only took a few rings before she finally picked up and her face appeared on the screen.
“Hey baby.” The sight of her beautiful face was enough to help him relax. “I know that it’s late but I just wanted to let you know I’m on my way home.”
“Don’t be sorry.” She said sincerely and yawned softly. The drowsiness she had felt was quickly replaced by concern when she noticed the bruises and cuts on his face. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah.” He sighed deeply. “I just miss you.” This had been the first time in years he’s been on a mission without her and he was still trying to adjust to the change. He didn’t mind working with anyone else but no one could come close to how well he worked with Natasha. When she moved, he moved — that’s just how they worked. Always have. Always will.
“I miss you too baby.” Natasha said with a small sad smile on her face. “I wish I was there with you.” Thoughts of the worst possible what ifs scenarios have been plaguing her mind the moment he stepped foot out the door. She knew going on missions was out of the question for her but it didn’t mean she had to like it.
“Me too.” He admitted with a sigh. “How is my baby doing?” He asked to shift the conversation to a lighter topic.
“Your baby has been making me crave fried chicken.” She huffed in annoyance. “I’m going to gain so much weight from this kid.” It honestly made her tired just thinking about how hard she was going to have to work out after the pregnancy to get her figure back — if she could even get her figure back. “All I do is eat, sleep, and eat some more.” She glared at him when he started to laugh. “It’s not funny. Youare supposed to be gaining weight with me but that stupid super serum keeps you from gaining sympathy weight. It’s so unfair.”
“I’m sorry baby.” He said once he could control his laughing. “I just think you’re overre—“ he stopped himself when he saw her eyes start to narrow at him through the little screen. “I mean, you’re still going to be the sexiest woman alive.”
“You’re so full of it.” She rolled her eyes and smiled.
“I’m being honest.”
And she knew he was. Steve Rogers was many things but a liar wasn’t one of them. She’s always admired how inherently honest he always has been. For her, Truth used to be a matter of circumstance — subjective and easily manipulated. She believed that wholeheartedly before Steve but now she’s grown to appreciate honesty in every form.
“I love you.”
“I love you too.” Steve said as the corners of his lips started to curve into a tiny smile. “I can’t wait to have you in my arms again.”
“I can’t wait for a lot of things.” She said with a suggestive smirk. As of recently, she had come to find out that pregnancy had really enhanced her already high libido — not that either of them were complaining. Their sex life has always been nothing short of amazing.
“Okay. I think it’s time to say good night. Bye Nat.” Clint said from the other side of the quinjet.
“I’m sorry. I thought you were asleep.” Steve apologized with a slight blush.
“Nope.” Clint replied flatly. “I just wanted to let you guys have your moment. It was really cute until Nat ruined it.”
“Shut up Barton.” Natasha yelled from the phone. “At least I don’t have boring marriage sex.”
“Oh, it’ll happen to you too. Just wait for it.” Clint said with a chuckle. “I said the same thing when I was young and naive as you. Trust me, once baby Rogers comes out, you two won’t be fucking for more than a few times a month — and that’s if you’re lucky enough to find the energy and time to be able to do it.”
Steve’s face was getting redder by the minute. He’ll never quite understand how people from the 21st century were so open and willing to discuss their sex lives.
“Get some sleep Nat.” He cut in before either one of them could say another word because if he didn’t stop them now, they would continue to banter and embarrass him more than he already was. “I’ll see you in a few hours babe.”
“Okay. See you soon baby. I love you.” She puckered her lips and blew him a kiss through the phone. “Night Barton.” She waited for her best friend to respond before hanging up the phone.
The screen went dark and he stared at the phone for a few more minutes before he slid it in his pocket and leaned his head against the wall. Pull yourself together Rogers.
“You okay?” Clint asked — treading lightly.
“I don’t know.” Steve answered without moving from his position. “I guess I just never thought it would be this hard.” He paused for a moment as he gathered the courage to ask the question that has been plaguing his thoughts. “How do you do it?” He straightened himself and looked to his friend for answers.
“Do what?”
“How do you do this with a family waiting for you at home?” He watched as his friend furrowed his eyebrows together and contemplated his answer.
“It’s not easy.” Clint shook his head and sighed deeply because he wasn’t even sure if he had the right answer to give. He still struggled with it from time to time. “I guess the way I look at it… I do what I do so my family could be safe but that doesn’t mean it’s easy.” Clint admitted. “My only advice I have for you is to learn how to compartmentalize. I know it sounds a little fucked up but that’s the only way you can be one hundred percent out there so get home to them.”
Steve nodded his head because he knew Clint was right. He had been so distracted by his own worries and it showed in his performance. Sloppy. He hung his head in disappointment. If anything would have happened, it would have all been his fault.
“Don’t be too hard on yourself Cap. This is new. It’s a learning curve.” Clint said with a shrug, once again pulling him back to reality. “Hell, I’ve been doing this for years and it’s still hard for me at times. I don’t think there’s anyone who doesn’t have that struggle. It’s human nature. You just have to remind yourself that you are protecting your family when you’re out on the field.”
“Do you ever think about walking away from all this?” Steve asked quietly.
“I did walk away once. I guess retirement just wasn’t for me.” Clint chuckled. “What about you? Ever think of dropping the SHIELD.”
“Have I thought about? Yeah. Of course I have.” Steve sighed and looked down in shame. “I couldn’t do it though. I’m not built like that. I can’t just sit on the sidelines when there’s a whole planet that needs saving.” It wasn’t realistic to pretend he could — He wasn’t wired that way even if he wanted to be. The serum that flowed through his veins was more than enough reason for him to continue to fight. Clint was right. Who else was going to be more motivated to protect his family than him?
Steve Rogers was by no means perfect but the safest hands were still his own — always will be.
“You don’t have to choose between being a father and Captain America — that doesn’t make you a shitty person for wanting both.” Clint said finally breaking the silence that fell between them. He paused and smirked. “Sorry. Language. I know.”
“I say it one time and now I’ll never live it down.” Steve huffed out a laugh and shook his head. There was another pause before he spoke again. “I want to take a trip to Russia with Natasha.” He said and watched as his friend frowned in confusion — an expected reaction.
“There are nicer places to go on a honeymoon. Wouldn’t you want to go somewhere nice and warm?” Clint asked.
“This isn’t a honeymoon.” Steve clarified. “I thought it would be nice for her to show me her childhood home. I know Russia doesn’t exactly hold a lot of good memories for her but I know a part of her wants to visit again someday… now that the KGB is gone… why not?.”
He knew he must have sounded crazy for wanting to take his wife to the place that was responsible for the majority of her worst memories but there was still a part of her that loved Russia too. She would never out right say it but he could tell by the way her eyes lit up when she talked about that ballet school she used to attend or the fact that she always complained about how no one in the states could ever make shashlik like the little local shops in Russia. Those little details mattered to him and he wanted her to share it with him.
“You know her better than I do.” Clint smiled at him and shrugged his shoulders. “We got a few hours before we get back to the tower. We should get some sleep.”
“You’re right.” He nodded though sleep was the last thing on his mind. This trip needed to be perfect.
———————————————
Steve stared intently at the laptop screen as he scrolled through the dozens of reviews on the travel advisor page. He sighed tiredly and rubbed his eyes, turning away from the screen. It’s been almost three weeks since he had started planning a trip to Russia and it felt like he hasn’t made real progress — deciding on where to stay and checking for flights were only the basics of vacationing and that was already overwhelming enough for him. He supposed he could have asked for help but news travelled fast within the avengers compound and he wanted to this trip to be a surprise for Natasha. After a few more minutes of rereading the same sentence over and over again, he decided it was time for a break. The growling in his stomach reminded him that he hasn’t eaten since the morning.
He walked over to the fridge and opened it. His eyes scanned the content of the pathetically stocked fridge — eggs, milk, water, juice. He blinked his eyes a few times as if something new would magically appear before he closing the door in defeat.
“Hey Friday.”
“How can I be of assistance Captain Rogers?”
“Well I… uh…” he fumbled over his words slightly because conversing with an AI still felt foreign to him.
“Don’t be shy Capsicle. Friday doesn’t bite.” Tony said with a smirk as he walked over to the coffee machine. He pulled a mug from the cupboard and frowned when he went to rinse it. “Who’s putting coffee grounds in the disposal? Seriously, the trashcan is right here.” He shook his head in complete disbelief. “Am I running a bed and breakfast for a biker gang?”
“I’m sorry.” Steve apologized.
“What are you sorry for?” Tony scoffed. “You don’t even drink coffee.” He threw away the coffee grounds into the trash and then washed his hands. Tony’s eyes landed on the open laptop when he reached for the napkins. “What’s in Russia?” He asked curiously as he looked at the contents of the computer screen.
“Don’t tell anyone but I’ve been trying to plan a surprise trip for me and Natasha.” Steve answered since he figured there was no point in hiding it from Tony.
“That explains the beard.”
“Yeah. That’s about the only thing I’ve successfully planned for this trip.” Steve chuckled when Tony gave him an approving nod. He figured that the beard would help him blend in a little more, keep as low of a profile as he could so they could truly enjoy their vacation without having to worry about looking over their shoulders. Captain America didn’t have the luxury of anonymity. Everyone knew who he was and what he looked like, which meant that he had to take extra precautions to make sure he doesn’t attract too much attention. As much as he liked to believe he was making the world a better place, he was also aware that his presence invited enemies. “I haven’t even asked Fury if it would be okay yet.”
“Ask? You don’t have to ask for permission. You’re an avenger for God's sake.” Tony scrunched his face in displeasure. “You’re free to come and go as you please Capsicle.”
“I can’t just leave.” Steve protested.
“And why can’t you?” Tony challenged with a raised eyebrow. The idea of having to ask for permission to do what he wanted was beyond absurd.
“What if something happens when I’m gone?”
“That’s ridiculous.” Tony scoffed. “Just because we don’t have the super serum coursing through our veins doesn’t mean we are completely useless without you.” He shook his head again before his eyes landed on the computer screen again — then it clicked. “It’s settled. I’m going to have Pepper work on this tonight. Now all you have to do is tell your wife that you’re taking her back to the motherland.”
“I can’t let you do that Tony.” Steve started to protest but was immediately cut off by his friend.
“Nonsense. Think of it as a… wedding gift.” Tony waived his hand in the air to let him know that it was no big deal.
“Thank you Tony. I really appreciate it.” Steve said sincerely. He didn’t feel right about accepting his gift but he knew that once Tony had his heart set on something, there was no changing his mind. It was hard to imagine a time when neither of them got along and now they were brothers. “I don’t know how I could ever repay you.”
“You and Red are family.” Tony shrugged. “ But I mean, if you’re still looking for a paternal Godfather, I’m willing to fill that position.”
“I’ll make sure to keep that in mind.” Steve laughed. His stomach growled loudly, reminding him that he was still hungry. “Friday. Can you order some fried chicken and have it delivered to my floor?”
“Of course Captain Rogers.”
“Fried chicken?” Tony raised an eyebrow.
“Yeah. The only thing Natasha seems to want now is peanut butter sandwiches and fried chicken. Not that I’m complaining. It could be worse.” Steve said with a shrug. “If you haven’t eaten yet, you could come have lunch with us.”
“I’m actually on my way to a business meeting. Maybe we can meet for lunch sometime this week. Don’t tell Red I said this but I actually miss her.”
“She misses you too.” Steve laughed. The admission didn’t surprise him in the slightest. “Thanks again Tony.”
“You know how to properly thank me.” Tony said with a smug grin before walking off. “Godfather Tony has a nice ring to it. Don’t you think?” He yelled over his shoulder before walking out the door, not bothering to wait for a response.
“My kid is gonna be so spoiled.” Steve huffed out a laugh and shook his head. He pulled his phone out and sent a quick text letting his wife know that he was coming home with a surprise.