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“What is up, Webheads, it’s ya boi, Spidey comin’ back at ya with Hawkeye’s new app? Yes, you hear me right. Clinton Francis Barton does indeed have his own app. So, to join me on this glorious journey through his app is Iron Lad!” There is a poorly layered applause and cheering sound effect as confetti flies across the screen.
“Let’s just jump right in, shall we?” Iron Lad says.
“Oh boy it’s got exclusive archery tutorials, signed merchandise, other prizes, and more.”
“Woah woah wait, and more? So it’s just… more prizes… and… more prizes?”
“Vague, Clint. I respect that,” Spidey states.
As they click into the app they both jump at the photo chosen for the opening screen.
“That’s a choice,” Spidey says.
“Very brooding. Very Hawkeye. Badass, almost… sultry?”
“Oh wait here’s a video. Let’s watch.”
The Clint on the video says, “here’s what this thing is about. This is a way for me to connect with fans, uh, superfans. It’s impossible for me to get back to anybody because there’s so many people on social media. So uh we’re gonna do a few things on the app. We’re gonna do some exclusive contests, give aways, behind the scenes, not in the shower, nothing crazy like that…”
Spider-Man pauses. “Oh thank God. Don’t need more of that content in my life.” Iron Lad turns to him in confusion. “Don’t ask.”
The photo from the opening returns and both hosts yelp in surprise. “Again, that photo is definitely a choice,” Spider-Man repeats.
“Oh boy we have to sign up with a phone number, email, or Facebook. Guess Clint Barton will have to be able to see my personal information somehow now,” Iron Lad says with feigned concern.
As they log into the app, they scroll through the posts for a moment just reading through.
“Is this… this is just Instagram,” Spider-Man finally says.
“Yeah it’s like… it’s Instagram except the only user is Clint Barton.”
Spider-Man clicks on the other tabs. “No wait, there’s a section for Clint Barton fans. You know, the people who purchase an app dedicated to photos only of Clint Barton to only talk about your absolute love for Clint Barton himself.”
Iron Lad squeals like a little girl. “Clint Barton! Oh how I adore Clint Barton!”
“No fuckin’ way,” Spider-Man says as he pauses his scrolling. “This is professional music. Clint Barton is a singer?”
They go to a different page, searching “Clint Barton music,” where they are greeted by pages of “Clint Barton Official” YouTube.
“This shit SLAPS,” Spider-Man exclaims.
“It absolutely cranks . This may not be good music, but for what I was expecting, it’s actually really good.”
“Okay back to the app.”
“So Clint posts things that are basically the same from his Instagram except for what are “exclusive” to this app…” Spidey starts.
“Which are basically videos of him doing Avengers stuff or behind the scenes in the studio…”
“But he still captions it like it’s Instagram? So he tags people who obviously aren’t on the Clint Barton app or adds hashtags that you can’t go to? So uh Clint, uh are you okay? Because this isn’t how your app works.”
“Speaking of captions, I just have to comment on some of these responses to comments like this girl says “Hawkeye, thank you so much for all you’ve done for our country. You saved my little brother and me from a drone attack and I owe you my life. Bless your soul.” And to this he responds, “live life to the fullest. Shoot for the stars.””
“Crack? Is that what you smoke?”
They click through more. “So we got these stars from Clint Barton…” Spider-Man starts.
“Yes Clint Barton himself awarded us these stars.”
“Which I guess are likes so I’m gonna give him some stars.” He uses up some of the stars but reads the other options. “Oh so we can hold it down and give him more stars.” He holds down the star until it reaches 600 stars. Before he can click out, he pressed his ungloved thumb on the home button and accidentally purchases more stars. “Wait what the fuck? I didn’t want to do that. No wait I didn’t want to do that!”
Iron Lad laughs at him. “You truly are boo boo the fool.”
“Wait a second but I… I just spent forty-eight dollars on 6,000 stars. I should have a bunch of stars left over but I only have like a hundred. What’s going on?”
“We’re going to look over the footage for a second. We’ll be right back.”
There is a jumpcut to the two hosts staring at the camera. “So I guess when you star something it takes ten of your stars for essentially one like. So basically I just wasted forty-eight dollars superliking that on photo.” Spider-Man says.
“We also just contacted Clint and apparently he has no idea this is happening on his app and he was just paid to do the introduction. So uh I guess that’s the Clint Barton app?”
“Rest in peace, Clint Barton app. Rest in peace all of the money that people have wasted paying to superlike his photos and get fake responses that aren’t from Clint Barton himself. And finally, rest in peace my forty-eight dollars I could’ve used to buy dinner.”