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Your name is Dirk Strider and you’re having a crisis. What else is new? You’re always having a crisis these days it seems. Your ex boyfriend of multiple breakups is at your doorstep once more, asking if you’ll let him in so you can talk. He looks hopeful and you already know where this is going. He wants you back again.
You let him in anyway because you figure you’ll at least hear him out once more. Every time he comes back with some sort of revelation as to how he fucked up and what he should have done better. It’s getting a little bit old, how often you find yourself waiting for him to figure out his own mistakes. Not that you’re devoid of issues yourself of course, but you rectify them as immediately as possible. Whereas Jake tends to take up to a month to stew over what went wrong.
He walks inside and stands awkwardly in the doorway, which is unusual for him. Normally he’d just make himself right at home at your breakfast bar or on your couch. Something must be really setting him off this time. Interesting.
Once the door is shut and locked, you lean against it and face him, effectively blocking his exit. You take in his appearance and it brings to mind the fact that it’s actually been about four months since you’ve seen him last. You’d gone completely off the grid for a while, shutting down your phone service and cutting your internet for the time being, so you could focus on the projects you had in your workshop. Who needs the outside world to build robots?
He breaks the silence first, unsurprisingly.
“What the devil?” is all he asks and you’re honestly confused. When you don’t respond he just steps closer to you and suddenly he looks pretty angry. “Dirk, do you have any idea how long I’ve been trying to get a hold of you?”
Oh.
You sigh and push your shades up. “No. I shut off my phone and internet, so I don’t have a clue.” A flat answer as usual.
“And why the blazes would you up and do that? I’ve been worried sick.” He steps even closer and now there’s barely a foot of space left between you two. You refuse to budge.
“Sorry.” You say and shrug.
“Sorry? That’s it? You’re just sorry?”
“Should I have something more to say? You’re the one who left me, remember?” You counter and he seems to halt a little.
“Right, well. I’ve been trying to rectify that but it’s damn difficult when I can’t seem to get in contact with you.” He explains rather animatedly.
“I didn’t move or leave, Jake. You know where I live, clearly. You’re here right now. You could have stopped by at any time before this point.” You’re keeping up your poker face with alarming success today and it makes you wonder for just a second how close you are to being done with him.
It’s a complete contrast to the first time he came back to you. You were emotional and needy and elated and a complete wreck. Now you’re just impassive and waiting for his apology.
“I’ve been calling you, Dirk. I didn’t want to impose.” He says it defensively and something in you snaps.
“Impose? How many times do I have to tell you that you’re always welcome here before you get the big picture, Jake? You can’t just keep avoiding me or toeing around me because you’re worried about being a burden. How clear do I have to make it that I want you here before you understand?” You didn’t realize you’d started to shout a bit, but when you finish the echoing silence feels absolutely awful.
“I know.” He says simply. “That’s what pushed me to come over in the first place.”
“Took you long enough.” You grumble under your breath.
“I’m sorry. I know I tend to take a while to get myself together. I’m trying though.”
“I appreciate the effort…” You trail off and hope he doesn’t pick up on it. He does though and you knew he would anyway.
“But?” He pries, stepping closer once more. You wish he wouldn’t do that because it makes you feel caged despite you being the thing standing between him and the exit.
“...But I don’t know, I guess I’m just wondering how many more times you’re going to need to disappear on me before you stay for good.” There’s more to it that you don’t vocalize, but the look on Jake’s face tells you that he heard the silent “or if I even want you to stay” at the end.
“Dirk...” The way he says your name holds so much pain, hope, and emotion that you visibly tense when you hear it. You don’t want to break him.
“Please, can we just- what did you come here to tell me? I want to hear you out first.”
He nods and glances towards the couch. You oblige him by shifting over to sit on it and he sits down beside you, turning to face you. You side-eye him but he puts his hands out, asking you to take them. You humor him and turn to place your hands in his. He smiles at you and it makes your chest ache and the air a little harder to breathe. You can feel a lump forming in your throat, restricting your air, but you just do your best to push past it.
“First, I want to apologize again for the many many times I’ve left you feeling abandoned and dejected. I recognize that it’s been hurting you and it kills me to know that I’ve been at fault for that. I would like to also apologize for what I said in our last argument. I was overwhelmed and being a complete ass. I don’t think that you talk too much, in fact, I wish you’d talk more. I find it quite endearing when you go off about your interests and when you tell me what’s bothering you. I want to be more like you in that sense. I want to work on the communication from my end.”
You cut him off for a second. “I won’t force you to talk to me, I hope you know that. You need to be able to come to me on your own because I won’t rip it out of you.” Your tone is stern and you hate that it makes him hang his head in shame for a moment.
“I know. I’m going to do my damndest. I hope that you’ll give me another chance to show you just how much I’m trying to change.” He stops abruptly and curls his lips in and your eyebrow twitches. He’s hit a nerve and you’re both aware. However, he jumps in before you can berate him for it. “I don’t want to change for you, Dirk. I’m changing for me. I’m trying to be the best bloke I can and live up to that potential. I want to do this with you, if you’ll have me.”
The way he ends it sounds like a marriage proposal, and for a moment you aren’t sure that it isn’t one. His eyes piercing into your soul like emerald beams, cutting right through the protection of your shades and prying into your mind. You can’t seem to form words.
“Let’s get these out of the way, yeah?” He gently reaches up and pushes your shades into your hair, a motion he’s only successfully completed twice before, but this makes three because you don’t even have to reach up to keep them from falling.
Having your eyes bare to him feels like a whole new level of exposure, despite it definitely not being the first time he’s seen them before. It’s just been so long.
“What do you say, Dirk? Will you give me another chance?” He’s smiling and it feels like he’s trying to charm you into agreement. You desperately want to say yes, because damn if the expression he’s making doesn’t give you the itch to kiss him. But you hesitate. And if there’s anything you’ve realized, it’s that your hesitation should be examined. So you take a deep breath and answer honestly.
“I- … I don’t know, Jake.”
All at once he deflates and you feel like the asshole.
“Is there anything I could say or do to convince you?” He really doesn’t miss a beat.
“I just... don’t know.” You shake your head and look away because meeting his gaze stings.
“Well, do you want to talk about it?” That shocks you a bit, because that might just be the first time he’s actually asked you that without a hint of venom in his voice. He must be really serious.
“I- …” You have to gather your thoughts. “I want to say yes, because I know it’ll make you happy and I know being with you makes me happy. But I’m afraid of it being just like all the other times before … where you say that things are going to be good finally. And they will be for a while, but then another issue will arise and we’ll fight and you’ll leave again.”
“I won’t-”
“But you will. Jake, it’s how you process things. You need time alone to process your emotions without the weight of a title on the relationship. You have to make decisions without the obligation or loyalty getting in the way. I understand that. I just don’t know if it’s something that fits well with me. I don’t know if we work well like that. I don’t want to make you into the villain that consistently breaks my heart, and I don’t want to be the asshole that doesn’t give you another chance at redemption. So, I’m really at a crossroads right now.”
“I see.” His voice comes out shaky and broken and you just know he’s going to cry. You feel even more like the asshole, and it gives you the urge to just shut him down altogether so you don’t have to deal with it. You’re vividly aware that it’s not a healthy way to handle it, but it sure is the easiest route for you personally, damage to Jake be damned.
You decide to sit and do nothing though, you just hold his hands and let him take deep breaths as he absorbs everything you’ve just told him. The silence drags on for a couple minutes before it gets unbearable.
“I’m sorry.” You say softly.
“It’s quite alright. I’ve hurt you and I can’t expect you to forgive me that easily.”
“Jake, forgiving you and trusting you again are very different concepts. I’ve already forgiven you. But I’m just not sure if I can trust you not to run away again. A few months isn’t a lot of time and for me to just take your word and believe you’ve changed the way you handle conflict? It’s a lot to ask.” You sigh, retreating your hands from his just a little. He chases them though and laces your fingers together.
“Please don’t let go.” He says so softly you almost think you’ve imagined it. You cannot believe your eyes or ears right now. When you catch his eye again you see so much desperation there that it physically pains you. You’re tearing him apart in turn just at the concept of uncertainty.
“I’m right here.” You try, you really just want to comfort him. Want to hold him and be held in return. You just know that the implication that comes with such an action would be too much if you decided not to be with him again.
The temptation of him is almost too strong. Are you a man willing to break yourself over and over again in the hopes of finally finding a love worth keeping? Or will you be the man who claims self respect and uses it as a shield to instead break someone else?
You don’t know and you can’t help but feel like the world is sliding out from under your feet. The urge to make a cliched Hamlet reference and launch it wildly out of context is strong, but it’s hard to find any sort of comparison or humor for this situation. It’s like someone is reaching directly into your chest and squeezing your heart with their bare hand while the other is around your throat, making it impossible to speak.
The thought crosses your mind that it would be the perfect revenge to break Jake’s heart right here, right now, in exchange for all the times he left you to pick up your pieces on your own while he figured himself out. But there’s still that contrast of the fact that he’s here, right now, and he wants to make it right. The only thing stopping him is you. The only thing keeping you from what you’ve been wanting for months now is yourself. And it’s always like that. You’re very bad at staying out of your own way and making room for your own happiness.
You’re snapped out of your thoughts by Jake shaking his head, the motion catching in your peripheral.
“Don’t say that if you’re going to leave.” His voice is a tremouring croak of a sound, but you manage to understand his words.
“Sorry. I just meant that in this moment, I’m physically here.” The lamest defense you’ve ever heard yourself use.
“Well obviously.” He snaps, getting a little louder. He squeezes your hands and looks you dead in the eye and you almost break. “Dirk, I- I hate to be a bother and rush you, but are you going to be able to answer me today?”
“I don’t know.” Your immediate response. What feels like the wrong response. You want to say yes. You don’t want him to leave. You want to pull him closer. You’re just afraid.
“What do you know then? Is there anything you can elaborate on to let me in just a little more?” It feels like he’s asking for something that just isn’t there. More? How can you give him more if you’re already giving him everything, and he keeps walking away from you? But that’s not fair because he’s recognized his wrongs and he’s asking for you to tell him how you’re feeling. That is something more that he doesn’t have access to.
“I know I don’t want you to leave.” It’s the first thing out of your mouth and you know exactly how it sounds. So you continue. “I know I want to be able to figure this out today and give you an answer. I know that it kills me to see you in pain like this. I know that I’m being completely unfair.” He stops you though.
“You’re not. You’ve given me so many chances. It’s me who’s being unfair to ask you for another. But I have to at least try because...”
You brace yourself and close your eyes. You know what’s coming.
“Because I love you, Dirk.” The words come out and you can’t help the flinch in your shoulder.
It’s the first time he’s said it to you out loud. It hurts and burns but at the same time, makes you unfathomably angry. You feel like he’s saying it simply because he wants you back. Which also tells you that you’ve already started to villainize him in your mind, because you’re accusing him of using tactics to convince you instead of letting you decide.
“Jake…” This time your voice is the one that comes out soft and broken.
“I want to say I’m sorry for it, but I’d be lying. I said it and I meant it, Dirk.” He leans in and rests his forehead against yours and you can’t bear to open your eyes. “You don’t have to say it back.” He adds softly.
Having him this close makes it that much harder not to cave and you start to tear up just a bit.
“You don’t, though.” You whisper.
“What now? Of course I do.” He leans in like he’s going to kiss your teardrop away, but stops himself because he’s not permitted that luxury and he knows it. He’s already pushing borders with what contact he does have with you.
“You don’t.” You repeat. “You can’t possibly…. No one could ever…” You know you’re outright crying now but you can’t seem to find it in you to hold it back any longer.
“Oh, Dirk.” He lets go of one of your hands and cups your chin, tilting your head up like he wants you to look at him. You refuse though, keeping your eyes clamped shut, tears leaking out at the edges. He swipes a thumb across your cheek, smearing a tear trail, and you just sniffle and try to not make too many pathetic noises.
“You lovely thing, you. Of course I love you. Even if you don’t think it possible, here I am.” His words cut like knives and you feel yourself shatter, completely breaking apart under his gentle supportive touch. You can’t help it anymore and you fall forward, burying your head into his shoulder.
“Jake, you shouldn’t love me.” You say into the soft cotton of his shirt. He just wraps his arms around you and starts to rub your back soothingly. You wish he’d stop and everything in your body screams to get away, but you let it happen anyway. You’re only making it more painful for yourself.
“Well that’s one man’s opinion. One who’s awfully critical of himself, I might add.”
“Loving me will only hurt you.” You say with a certain finality to your tone.
“That’s my choice to make then, to walk into the flames. No matter how much you wish I didn’t, I do feel this way and it’s not something you can change or decide for me.” He presses a soft kiss to your hair and you hiccup a little in between sobs. Your skin tingles in the place where his lips were and you start to feel a bit overwhelmed.
“Don’t phrase it like a challenge, please. The last thing I want is to tear you apart like that.” You beg softly.
You know very well that if it came down to it, you could say some damn awful things to make him stop loving you. There’s a very large part of you that wants to do exactly that. There’s an even larger part however, that doesn’t want him to stop holding you, or stop loving you for that matter. Even if you can’t bring yourself to believe it right now, you want to believe he loves you. Or that someone does at least. You want to get to know the Jake that loves you, to let him into your life. You want to know what that looks like and what being loved entails.
You know your own tendency to run away from things that could truly be good for you. So you just sit there in his arms and sob into his shirt, letting the scent of him waft over you like a balm that hurts in it’s own bittersweet kind of way. Your urge to run is squashed by the feeling of his arms around you and you haven’t decided if that’s a good or bad thing. Should he be able to pacify you this easily?
He starts humming softly to you. As soon as you recognize the melody, you wish he’d stop. It’s a song that played on your first date and the two of you had always sort of marked it as ‘your song’ without outright saying so. It feels like he’s already won. It also feels for just a moment like he truly believes he has you again, and something in you wants to rebel against it. Wants to make it clear that he’s still on thin fucking ice. But really, is he?
You’re tired, and you’ve missed him too much to tell him to fuck off like that. So you think you’ve reached a decision, but you aren’t ready to vocalize it yet. After a few deep breaths you start to feel a bit better, and thinking about being with Jake again makes you stupidly giddy through the haze of self-hatred and heavy emotions you’d been avoiding facing.
“How’re you faring, pet?” He asks, swiping a strand of your hair back to fit with the rest. You have to take a moment to think about it.
“I’m okay.” You finally say, leaning back so you can look at him properly.
“Yeah?” he asks, searching more for confirmation than genuinely questioning you.
“Yeah.” You give him a small smile and he beams right back tenfold. “I think I’ve reached a decision.”
He takes your hands once more, but that’s typical for him. He’s always been very touchy-feely. You refrain from rolling your eyes because it’d be too much of a giveaway. He looks at you expectantly, but you keep your lips shut.
“Well, lay it on me. Don’t worry. I can handle it, whatever it is.” He gives your hands another good squeeze just to reassure you. You shake your head and just lean in to plant a soft kiss to his lips. Or at least that was the intention. After a mere second of shock, Jake brings his hands up to your cheeks and holds you in place, pressing further into the kiss. You feel like crying all over again with how much you’d missed the feeling.
You wind up nearly crawling right into his lap in attempts to get closer, wanting to wrap your arms around his neck and play with the scruff at the back of his neck. He chuckles against your lips, probably from how eager you seem, and you can’t help but flush some and smile.
When you finally pull apart for breath, you’re literally in his lap. You have your legs wrapped around his waist and his arms are around yours in turn. You press your foreheads together again and meet his eyes. You see something new sparkling there, and it gives you a crazy feeling in your chest, one you don’t think you’ve felt before. You don’t want to call it love, especially not yet, but you do want to keep kissing him. You always want to keep kissing him.
He raises an eyebrow at you and sports a cocky smirk that you know all too well. That’s his ‘do you want to continue this in the bedroom’ face and honestly, you wouldn’t mind one bit. You’ve absolutely missed his hands and his body just as much as his stupidly handsome face and ridiculous phrases. But there’s more to discuss first, important things he needs to understand before you just let him completely back in.
You place a hand on his shoulder and lean back some, giving yourself a little more space to gather your thoughts. It’s a difficult task when he has one hand thumbing your hip bone just under the hem of your t-shirt.
“What is it, plum?” He asks, eyes scanning your face.
“There’s more I need you to understand, first.” You admit. He pouts but you’d figured he would.
“You’re not going to change your mind, are you?” He seems timid and it’s honestly such an odd thing to see on him.
“No, no.” You lean closer towards him again just to assure him. “I just- …This is the last time I’m going to do this, ok? If you leave again, it’s going to be for good. You won’t be allowed back again. I can’t let myself keep caving to you if it’s only going to end up breaking me.”
He chews his lip while you speak and simply nods once you’re through.
“I need more of a response than that, Jake.” You chastise.
“I understand. I really wish I could somehow take away the hurt I’ve caused. Make things up to you. If there’s anything that might help, let me know.” He insists.
Just stay then. You think, but dare not vocalize. That’s far too tender for you. “Let’s take it one day at a time, then. Figure things out together for once.”
“I’d like that.” He says, but you can see his grin shifting to devilish. He really just has his mind in the gutter right now and you know you’re going to have this conversation again with him later if you drag it out too much.
“Christ.” You mutter under your breath, rolling your eyes. He leans in and nuzzles the tip of his nose against your neck and you shudder a little at the sensation. Lack of stimulus has made your neck incredibly sensitive over the past few months.
“I’d love to hear that sentiment again in a different tone.” He mumbles against your skin.
“J-jake.” You stammer, mind blanking out because damn it’s really been a fucking while since you’ve heard his voice so deep or lust-riddled.
He grabs each one of your ass cheeks in a broad hand and pulls you further into his lap before moving to stand. Somehow, he manages it easily and you’re sincerely impressed; also kind of turned on by it. You can already tell this is going to be one hell of an evening. He barely makes it halfway down the hall before his patience wears thin and he’s pinning you against the wall and kissing you breathless again. Your legs tighten around his waist, mirroring the way your heart clenches in your chest as he pulls back to tell you he loves you once more.
You aren’t sure if you’ll ever get used to hearing it, but now’s as good of a time as any to work on it. He knows you won’t be saying it back any time soon, and you’re relieved for the ease on that front. You’re even more relieved when he finally carries you the rest of the way back to your bedroom, shutting the door behind him. You live alone, but the illusion of privacy is more than welcomed.
The air is charged with a dangerous energy that tells you he’s going to pick you apart and slot you back together when it’s all done. Something only he can do and something you’ve been itching for for months.