Chapter Text
Sunflower
Generous
Changing
Pencil Sharpener
Felix traced the characters carefully on his arm as the professor continued to drone on about the specifics of plant biology. The blue sharpie left clear lines again his pale wrists and the rainbow of colors, both new and faded, left his arms a coloring book beneath his shirt sleeves. Felix loved words. He loved the way they conveyed so many different things and how each language had its own way of saying things.
The boy had lived in Korea for long enough to know how to communicate well enough, the past two years had done wonders to improve the basic skills he had since living in Australia. Yet he still couldn’t say what he wanted with his limited vocabulary. His friends didn’t mind since they always encouraged him and reassured him that he was pronouncing things right, but Felix wanted to say more.
So his old habit had been reinstalled at the beginning of his 3rd year in high school when Felix had determinedly walked up to the counter of his local stationary store with a variety pack of sharpies and 3 stacks of sticky notes. Luckily, the boy’s school uniform required long sleeved shirts so he was able to hide the myriad of words beneath them. Naturally, his best friend (dad) Chan had yelled at him and warned of ink poisoning, but Felix couldn’t seem to be bothered when his arms were full of words and thoughts.
“Mr. Lee, could you please repeat what I just said.” Felix blinked in surprise when his teacher paused to call on him. The Aussie knew that he spaced out often, but he was generally better at focussing in class. He rubbed his wrists nervously and averted his eyes.
“I um-” Felix cleared his throat. “Sorry professor, I wasn’t listening.” A snicker sounded from behind him and Felix felt his cheeks color slightly. The teacher proceeded to tsk and warn the rest of the class to focus on the material for the next test, but Felix could only hear the voices.
“He probably didn’t understand anyway. The kid is dumb as bricks.” Felix winced at the joking tone the other boy had despite insulting him. He knew he wasn’t stupid - far from it. Felix’s mind just focussed on different things and when something was deemed irrelevant to him, it got tuned out in favor of something else. He liked to call it selective concentration.
The end of class finally came and Felix bolted out the door, mood ruined and frown gracing his face. He was used to teasing and while he tried to hide his freckles and delicate features, he couldn’t hide his habits nor language struggles.
“Lix!” A loud voice sounded through the halls, shaking him out of his stupor. Felix whipped his head around just in time to catch the lanky boy that threw himself in his direction. He loved Hyunjin, but the boy had the energy of a puppy that drank espressos.
“Jinnie, what’s up?” He huffed while wrapped his arms around the boy and mentally patting himself on the back for not falling over.
“I missed youuuuu. I hate math.” Hyunjin pouted and draped himself over his friend, rolling his eyes dramatically. Felix awkwardly shuffled them over to the side of the hall and sighed. There was a reason Hyunjin was in theatre.
Passionate
Energetic
Brave
Strong-willed
That’s how Felix would describe his friend. Hyunjin had been the first person to approach him when he came to Korea, casually strutting up to him and asking him in broken English if he liked tteokbokki and inviting him to hang out after class. The handsome boy had always been the center of attention, as if his bright personality didn’t already attract people anyway. Hyunjin shined and pushed his way through life like he knew what he wanted, and he really did. Felix admired his resilience and determination, knowing the other spent late nights in the dance studio they frequented and practiced his speaking to lessen his stuttering by reciting his theatre lines with a pen between his teeth. Felix thought of him like a brother, but sometimes he really wanted to strangle him.
Like now. Felix was dragging Hyunjin along to the lunchroom, groaning as the latter leaned all over him and flapped his arms around as he complained about all the homework he had and the girl who kept trying to pass him love notes in his history class.
“Hyunjin, Felix! Over here!” Felix nearly cried in relief when he saw Seungmin waving to him at their usual lunch table. The blond unceremoniously dropped Hyunjin onto one of the stools and plopped down into a chair.
“Take this menace off my hands Seungmin.”
“So you don’t know the word for ‘sauce’ but you know how to insult me, I’m offended.” Seungmin just snorted but nodded in understanding.
Soft
Sassy
Attentive
Calculated
If Hyunjin was an energetic puppy, then Seungmin was a calm dog that wore glasses (or at least in Felix’s mind he did). The cherry haired boy never failed to both amuse and confuse Felix. He used words that Felix was willing to bet were on the sticky notes covering his walls. Seungmin was an anomaly in the sense that it was hard to stick a specific label to him. He appeared shy and kind at times, while snarky and hard to get through to at others. Seungmin had come as a package deal with Hyunjin with whom he was childhood friends and Felix could never see himself in a life without him. He loved how Seungmin took picture of them by surprise and wrote them letters even though they lived in the same neighborhood. Seungmin’s walls were lined with Day6 posters and his voice echoed off the walls with a tone Felix hoped would be heard by millions of the radio one day.
“Sauce is a weird word, ok.” Felix huffed instead of voicing his other thoughts. He pulled out his lunchbox and sighed at the contents. He had been living with Chan since the beginning of that school year and suddenly all the cooking was left into his hands. Before, his parents had sent him an allowance and he was able to eat as much take out as he wished. Now that he lived in an apartment with an actual kitchen and not just one room, he was expected to cook and at least contribute somewhat to the overall living conditions.
“Lix, what the hell is that supposed to be.” A new voice sounded over his shoulder and the boy didn’t even need to turn around to know who it was. He sighed and buried his face in his hands as Jisung’s laugh echoed behind him. Jisung, his soulmate, his best friend and utter bane of his existence.
“Curry?”
“I don’t know what curry you’ve seen before but that most definitely is not it.” Jisung sat down beside him and poked Felix’s shoulder teasingly.
Talented
Imaginative
Restless
Introspective
Jisung was a ball of energy that matched Felix’s. The squirrel-like boy brought out the energetic qualities Felix possessed and helped bring him out of his shell. Jisung was someone who wouldn’t stop at anything to get what he wanted and his competitive spirit often led to the group getting into ridiculous situations. His music skills were unrivaled at their school and Felix wouldn’t be surprised if he got accepted to a top music college in the future considering the boy’s soundcloud already had a secure following and he had won multiple competitions. On the other hand, Jisung was also a sunshine who knew how to make anyone laugh with his dumb jokes and random singing. Felix wouldn’t trade him for the world.
“I can’t cook ok. We’ve been over this.”
“I’m surprised Chan hasn’t had a heart attack yet - you’re a walking hazard.” Seungmin smirked while eating his own, properly made lunch. Show off.
“He would die for Felix, it’s fine.” Jisung patted his friend and smiled.
“He really might at this rate.” Felix threw a napkin at Hyunjin who was laughing. He loved his friends, despite their constant teasing. They were honest and motivated. They made him want to work harder and find his own dreams to chase instead of following those set out for him. Felix thought of his words, all the letters floating around his head and the way they combined into so many different thoughts. He dreamed of somewhere he could voice those thoughts and show others how beautiful the world was through his eyes, how much potential every seed had to blossom.
“Earth to Felix.” Seungmin waved a hand in front of his friend’s face, an understanding smile on his face. Felix smiled back sheepishly. Maybe dreaming could wait for him to finish his crappy curry.
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It was 9 pm when Felix was starting at the bathroom mirror in his apartment, facing his usual crisis: does he take a shower and wash away the memories of his day or leave them to blur into his skin? Granted, the boy wrote the words down again when he got home, but he didn’t have the heart to erase the things he had written. He started at his shirtless figure with a pout and traced the characters for ‘roundabout’ on his forearm. Something about washing the words made it feel like Felix was forgetting them and setting them aside, like in those photobooks that sit on shelves without being looked through until someone wakes up from reality to look back on the past.
“Felix, what’re you doing?” Chan’s accented voice drifted into the room and he sighed again. His friend was far too perceptive for his own good.
Profound
Youthful
Perspicacious
Competent
The elder Aussie boy was someone Felix had learned to rely on even though he knew Chan already shouldered the weight of so many. He worried relentlessly about all those around him and cared for everyone with far too much heart to leave any for himself. Felix had spent many sleepless nights beside his side as he worked on lyrics and beats for unfinished tracks or made dinner for them both. He loved his hyung more than a brother (considering his real siblings were far removed from his life). Chan also had a sense of humor that never failed to brighten Felix’s day and he managed to bring a sense of peace over anyone he interacted with. Felix was convinced the boy was friends with everyone in Seoul considering that they were typically stopped at least 10 times just on the way to the grocery store for someone to greet his hyung. Felix had never been happier than he was living with Chan, but sometimes he wished he had privacy when his thoughts seeped too far into his heart.
“I’m fine, hyung. Just spaced out again. I’ll be quick I promise.” Felix shouted back and rushed to turn on the showerhead. He could practically hear Chan’s defeated sigh as he stepped into the cabin and let the droplets pelt his skin. He winced as the heat made the words on his arm leak over and color the tiles a rainbow that eventually blended into brown. There was Korean and English on his arms in an array of strengths, words from days prior a memory of another Felix in another place.
Perhaps he really was strange for getting so attached to words. He loved the way they sounded different when different people said them and how one word could have so many meanings, a variety of purposes. He liked to think of everyone as one word that could be expanded into many.
Fiery - Hyunjin
Acute - Seungmin
Vociferous - Jisung
Unwavering - Chan
The people in his life were so many words that were rooted from one. He drew trees on his walls that began as one, branching out into many different personalities and actions. He knew people were more complex than his trees, and maybe that’s why he found it so hard to open up to others. If everyone has a tree of words, his would be a sapling that didn’t know if it wanted to be an oak or a maple. What did he want? Felix was good at many things, he knew that, but was there anything he was the best at or that he could call his own?
Felix finally turned off the water when he realized that it was slowly getting cooler. The water bill was generally the highest and he was willing to bet it was due to how often he got lost in thought during his showers. He wrapped a fluffy, polka dotted towel around his body and waddled out of the bathroom, blond strands frazzled around his head.
“Felix! Hey I wanted to- oh wait uh.” Chan panicked as Felix entered the living room. The younger froze as he was faced with 2 unfamiliar bodies. He was awkward enough as it was when he was fully clothed, but with only a towel between himself and these people sitting on the floor Felix was ready to jump out the nearest window. In fact, he did the next best thing by turning around and bolting to his bedroom. The door closed with a resolute bang and Felix thought he could hear laughter in the room behind him. He cursed Chan out under his breath and rushed to throw on some clothes. His closet was a messy color palette that Felix insisted he needed. The pastels were neatly arranged on hangers and the sweaters with sleeves far past his short fingers while leather and dark shades lined the drawers beneath.
Now donning a pink sweatshirt and a light pair of jeans, Felix patted down his unruly hair while pressing his ear against the outside door.
“He’s cute Chan, real cute. The abs don’t really match his baby face but otherwise he’s a real keeper.” Felix nearly choked at the words and self consciously patted his stomach. He worked damn hard for those abs, thank you very much.
“Ask him to join us at the gym next time. He seems like a nice kid.” A raspy voice responded and Felix felt a shiver go down his spine. It held something warm against the harsh intonations. Piercing.
“Seo Changbin, voluntarily initiating contact with another human being? What parallel universe is this.” The voice from before snorted and Felix could imagine the guy behind it being snarky and overly confident. Something akin to Hyunjin but more mature. A sharp tongue behind a careful facade. Cynical.
“Now now. Don’t scare him off, I actually like this one. He’s a sweetheart and I will not hesitate to hurt either of you if you say something mean to him.” Felix warmed at Chan’s words and let out a sigh. He was going to need to face the situation in the living room eventually so he might as well get it over with now so that he can steal some leftovers and lament over his lack of social skills under a mountain of plushies. The blond pushed the door open hesitantly, peeking out from the crack.
“Oh hey!” A blue haired boy waved to him and Felix could only blink. The other was beautiful and Felix was sure he was the confident voice from before. His smile reminded him of the cheshire cat and the way he leaned back on his hands while looking Felix up and down gave the boy the impression that he knew exactly what the blond was thinking.
“Lix! Come on in. Sorry for not warning you, I should’ve let you know I was having people over.” Chan rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly. Felix nodded awkwardly and shuffled inside, staring down at his daisy patterned socks. He liked floral things, ok?
“I’m Minho.” Felix looked up shyly at the boy from before who seemed to have a softer look on his face. “You have a nice body though.” He earned a slap from Chan for the comment but he kept the cheeky smile on his face. Felix just nodded again.
“These two are my best friends; I know I’ve mentioned them before.” Chan responded and pulled Felix down to the ground to sit down next to him. “Minho is a dancer, the one I told you you should show your choreo to. Changbin is my producing buddy.” Felix finally looked at the latter who was looking at him thoughtfully. The look wasn’t cold, but it was guarded as he analyzed Felix.
“This is your dancing dongsaeng? You should’ve started with that.” Minho leaned forward eagerly now. “I’d love to see you dance - it’s my entire life.”
“How old are you?” Changbin finally spoke and Felix felt the familiar tingly feeling return at the sound. There was something about the way the elder spoke that made Felix feel like each word had a purpose, a reason to exist.
“17.” He coughed out shyly.
“Damn son, your voice doesn’t match your body either what the heck?” Minho and Changbins’ eyes widened in surprise. Felix was used to the reaction by now but it amused him nonetheless.
“I get that a lot.” Felix shrugged and leaned back into Chan’s shoulder. The Aussie instinctively pulled him closer and Felix melted in the familiar feeling. “Not to be rude, but what’re you guys doing here?”
“We wanted to see our curly-haired friend’s new place. The last one was a shithole.” Minho barely ducked the pillow that Chan threw in his direction but Changbin nodded in confirmation.
“We were also going to go and get something to eat, wanna come along lil bro?”
“Thanks, but I have some homework to get done.” Felix smiled tightly and averted his eyes. He had finished all his work during class but he would rather be bored in his room than have to intrude on the boys’ dinner.
“Are you sure? We’d love to have you. Is your anxiety acting up again?” Chan asked in rapid English and Felix almost winced at the question. It was no secret between them that Felix struggled with his confidence but he hated troubling the elder with his worries when the boy had enough to worry about anyway.
“No no, don’t worry mate. Just tired.” The other two in the room looked on in confusion but Felix gave them a reassuring smile while standing up. “It was nice to meet you both, enjoy your uh, your…” He reverted back to Korean only to stumble slightly.
“Evening?” Minho supplied. Felix gave him a grateful nod while subtly outlining the characters to the word in the air. He would have to write that one down.
“Bye Lix! Call me if you need anything.” A worried Chan called out while the other two quietly bid him goodbye. Felix only relaxed when he was back inside the comfort of his room and the door was shut behind him. While he would’ve been curious to know what the others said now that he was gone, any energy he had was suddenly drained. The blond trudged to his bed and flopped down face-down, burrowing himself in the pillowy softness.
Why was he like this? It shouldn’t be so hard to just talk to others, to mean what you say and be invested in a conversation. It wasn’t that he was antisocial - it was quite the opposite. Felix loved people. He enjoyed seeing the way people acted and the way their emotions showed on their faces when they were talking. But he knew he himself was an open book with far too many pages to be read. And those pages weren’t meant to be seen by everyone.
Maybe one day they would be meant for someone.