Chapter Text
I had just started to believe that maybe I could have happiness in my life.
And now President Snow had taken that from me too.
Because even if I don't get sent back into the arena, I will have to watch Katniss go in and possibly die, as well as Peeta or Dad, and not to mention my friends among the victors of the other districts like Johanna Mason and Cecelia.
After what seemed like ages of me sitting still, holding and being held by my husband and daughter, I gently passed Nina off to Brandon, giving him a kiss on the cheek before standing up carefully.
"Ri," Brandon said hoarsely, "where are you going?"
Not only could I hear the pain in his voice, I could see it in his blue eyes, the same way I was feeling; we had finally had all that we wanted and then it was wrenched from our grasp.
I rested my hand on his shoulder for a moment, my gaze caught on Caleb and Cameron, who had long since fallen asleep on the couch behind Brandon and I after crying without knowing why.
Who's going to take care of them?
"I'm going to talk to Dad, okay?" I managed to say to Brandon, while trying to keep my tears from re-surfacing. "I'll meet you at home?"
Brandon nodded numbly, hugging me around the waist while he was sitting down.
Yeah. That's how short I am compared to how tall he is.
I looked over at Mrs. Everdeen, who was standing and hugging Prim tightly, staying almost completely still. But she seemed to know that I was looking at her, and she opened her eyes to meet mine.
"Leave the boys here," she whispered in a trembling voice, "I'll take care of them tonight, and you can come over in the morning."
God, I can't let Katniss go back in that arena.
I nodded, feeling my jaw convulse almost of it own accord. Then I turned to the side, taking a few shaky steps towards the front door.
"Gale...it's going to be okay...I promise," I said softly, gently resting a hand on his shoulder as he leaned against the door frame to the kitchen, from where he hasn't moved for at least a hour. "I'm not going to let anything happen to Katniss."
Gale turned to look at me, his eyes dark with grief and pain, his face pale. "How? Just how are you going to do that, Variance? Snow has made it quite clear that not one of us is safe from him. Not one! He can do whatever the hell he wants and none of us- none of us- can stop him!" Now, instead of looking scared and pale, Gale looked like an angry drunkard.
And seeing as how I grew up with one of those as my dad, I knew that the way to get him to calm down would be to yell right back in his face.
So I did just that.
"Gale Hawthorne shut the hell up right now!" I snapped, leaning towards Gale and making him stand with his back to the wall. "I don't need you telling me what Snow can and can't do, I'm well aware of what's he done. But you can bet that I will not let Katniss die. Whether she's a mentor and doesn't go in the arena at all, or if she does enter and I'm the mentor, I can promise you that she will not be hurt. Got it, Hawthorne?"
Gale looked down at me for a moment in shock, as if he couldn't believe I'd blown up at him like that. After a moment though, a tear slipped down his cheek. "I'm sorry," he whispered, dragging a hand over his face, as if mortified by what he'd done. "I'm sorry. We should have left when Katniss said."
I shook my head at him sadly. "It wouldn't have made a difference, Gale. I couldn't have left all of my brothers and sisters, so I would still have been going into the Games. Snow would have won either way."
~~~**~~*~~**~~~
"Dad, if you would just listen to me-"
Dad swung the fist enclosing his bottle of liquor in my direction, so wildly that I barely had to step out of his way and grab his arm to twist it behind his back, making him curse at me.
"-DAMN IT, VARIANCE! You're NOT going back in there, do you understand me?!"
So you don't me to go in the arena so I won't get hurt, yet you still throw a punch at me? Figures.
I rolled my eyes and let him go and hobble over to one of the three chairs remaining at the kitchen table at his house.
I'd come over to talk to Dad, and although I had been expecting him to be drunk, I didn't think it would be this bad.
The triplets and the twins had stayed awake to see the Capitol program, and right now they were waiting for me to come and say good-night, even Alex and Tye, who haven't wanted me to kiss them good-night for nearly five years.
But I guess they were thinking the same thing I was- who knew how many chances I would get?
So at the moment I was trying to talk to Dad and Katniss, as she was still here, but I wasn't getting much luck getting through to them.
It also didn't help that Katniss was drunk too.
Katniss took another swig from the bottle my dad had given her and wiped her mouth with the back of her hand, her eyes watering slightly as she hiccuped. "Variance, you...you have a family. A family all of your own, I mean. You can't go back into that arena. Ha-" she was interrupted by a rather violent hiccup "-Haymitch and...and I agreed. That if I vol-volunteer...for you, then Haym-mitch will volunteer for Peeta. He and-and I will go into the Games, just like Snow wants us to do. He and I are the only ones that have created this much...this much trouble anyway, right?" She barked out a hiccupy laugh. "It's only fitting that Snow gets his revenge on us this way."
I shook my head immediately, crossing my arms over my chest. "NO, Katniss, don't you get it? Dad and I have lived our lives. We've had a chance to love someone, we've had a chance to start a family. No matter what we did with it, we were given our chance, and you and Peeta have not! You two deserve a chance at the lo-life I know you two can have."
I glanced at Katniss hastily, but she seemed to be too tipsy to notice that I'd nearly mentioned her and Peeta's "love".
"I know you're confused right now, Katniss, having to marry Peeta when you might possibly like Gale, but listen to me right now," I planted my hands on the table and leaned in close to her face, trying not to breath in the smell of alcohol on her breath, "Living with Peeta. Would not kill you. You know why?"
Katniss shook her head a few times and opened her mouth to say something, but I cut her off, my voice rising steadily by the minute.
"Because you'd be alive, damn it! It wouldn't matter to your parents or to Peeta or to Gale who you're forced to be with or even who it is you love. You know why? Because you'd be alive and to the people that care about you, that's all that matters!"
My voice cracked on the second "alive", and I shoved myself away from the table, running a hand through my flaming red hair even though putting my arms above my head hurt like hell at the moment.
Why. Why can't they just listen to what I have to say and then actually understand?
I took a deep breath and looked over at Dad, who had been watching me talk to Katniss with a look of pain on his face.
"Dad," I whispered, crouching on the ground in front of him, taking his left hand in mine and resting my other hand on the table, "please. Don't you understand what I'm trying to do here? Katniss and Peeta...they deserve a chance too, Dad. Please try to understand what I'm saying."
Dad looked down at me with his dark grey eyes and I knew what he was going to say almost before he said it: "Variance. I couldn't protect you when you were younger, and you were forced to go into the Games. I have a chance to help you now so that you can stay and raise your own family like I couldn't with mine. To give you a chance. So, no. I'm sorry. Either Katniss will volunteer for you, or she will be reaped. You will not volunteer for her, do you understand me?"
I can't believe him.
I shook my head in disbelief and stood up, limping away from the table and towards the stairs, where I was going to say goodnight to my brothers and sisters. "Whatever, Dad. You know doing this won't be protecting me either. It'll just make it worse when I have to helplessly watch you guys die."
~~~**~~*~~**~~~
"Peeta, open up." I knocked on the front door of his house, banging kind of loudly. "Peeta, I sure as hell know that you're not sleeping right now, so please just open this door!"
I heard a sigh from right behind the door and then it opened to reveal Peeta, with his ashy-blonde hair and bright blue eyes that looked so sad that I wanted to hug him.
Which I did as soon as he let me into the house.
"I'm sorry that this is happening to you," I whispered, standing on tiptoe to hug him as he hugged me tightly. I pressed my face into his soft green robe, trying to keep tears at bay. "You finally had happiness. I finally had happiness. And then this happened."
I pulled away from him after a minute and pinched the bridge of my nose, closing my eyes and taking a deep breath while Peeta waited for me to speak.
I had known Peeta for at least five years before he was reaped in the Games, since I used to go to his parent's bakery in town all the time to buy things for my brothers and sisters, and we have become pretty good friends as he grew older. So he knew not to press me, that I would talk when I found my voice.
I looked up finally and met his eyes. "You want to keep Katniss safe, don't you?"