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Liam opened the door of the college dorm room he shared with Theo and the first thing he saw was something moving on Theo’s bed. After focussing on the entity, he realized that what he was staring at was… Theo.

Making out with someone.

Liam cleared his voice to draw the boy’s attention so that the make out session could be stopped and maybe, if he was lucky, to see a little bit of remorse on Theo’s face for having been caught making out in bright daylight by his roommate. He started to open his mouth to greet his roommate with a sarcastic “hello?” but his voice caught in his throat and Liam couldn’t get any sound off his body when he realized that the person Theo was kissing was a boy.

A dude.

A manly man.

Liam turned around as fast as he could and crashed against the threshold in his haste to leave the room.

“Fuck!” he heard Theo say from behind his back and then he heard a tump, signalling that something heavy had fallen on the floor.

“Ouch! What the f-” another voice reached Liam’s hears. Liam guessed that the thing that had fallen from the bed had to be Theo’s mouth smashing buddy? Fuck buddy? Friend with benefits? Boyfriend?

“I’m sorry Travis, Liam… he told me he would be out with his friends so I didn’t-” Liam finally managed to close the door behind himself and cut Theo off before he could hear the rest of the excuses spilling out Theo’s lips.

Liam hadn’t planned his rapid escape from the room so far ahead, so once he found himself standing in the desert hallway he hesitated for some seconds before he decided that his best option was to, one: walk away from the door and, two: out of the building. There wasn’t much he could do in the hallway he was currently standing in anyway. It would also have been weird to explain to the other students that lived on their floor the reason why he was sitting outside his room on a cold evening when he himself wasn’t sure that he knew the exact reason.

When he had walked in on Theo Liam had just come back to the dorm after bravely defeating the snow and the wind to go out with Mason and Corey to see a movie. He hadn’t planned on going back into the storm, but standing outside the door he realized that he didn’t have much of a choice, so he sighed and took off towards the door that lead outside.

Before he could reach the door, he heard another one open behind his back.

“Liam!” a voice shouted. Liam froze on his steps “Look Travis I’m really sorry I just need to talk to him okay?” he heard Theo say “I will call you back as soon as I’m done talking to him!”

Liam couldn’t hear what Travis answer was, but he picked up on a sound that seemed an awful lot like a kiss on the cheek. He started walking again but before he could push the building’s door open, Theo had sprinted up to him, his hand coming to rest on Liam’s shoulder.

“Liam, wait.” Theo panted out and Liam wondered if he was at loss of breath because he had to catch up to him or because he had been making out until a few seconds ago. Making out with a boy. In their shared dorm room.

Liam couldn’t understand why is was so pissed off or why he cared at all about what Theo did in his free time. It was not like he cared about who Theo kissed. Or about the fact that he seemed to be kissing a boy. He was just-

“Liam, oh my god, look at me! Why are you running away? I should have warned you that I was going to bring somebody home, but it was you who told me that you would be out with Corey and Mason to the movies and then would have gone to dinner! I thought that Travis and I would be done by the time you came back. I didn’t bother to-”

“You could have told me you were into boys” Liam heard himself say. Stupid fucking brain! It was the first thing that had come to his mind when he had seen Theo and Travis kiss and that he had repeated in a loop in his head up until his brain had made the decision to voice it out loud, interrupting the rambling string of words cascading out of Theo’s mouth. That had sounded so wrong. It had sounded like an accusation. And Liam didn’t want to accuse Theo of anything, he just was … surprised.

“Is it-… does- … are you mad at me because I was kissing a boy?” Theo finally got out. “Really?” Liam heard a hint of anger in the other boy’s voice, mixed with a hint of surprised irony that informed him that Theo hadn’t expected him to have something against the fact that he kissed boys. Liked boys, whatever.

Theo didn’t have to tell him anything that he didn’t want to, it wasn’t like Liam told him everything about himself. He told him a lot of things, but not everything. That didn’t mean that Theo felt the same. The fact that maybe Liam told Theo a lot of things about himself and that maybe Theo was the person who knew the most about Liam, after Mason and Corey, was totally beside the point.

“Of course I’m not mad at you because of that! I’m just-” Liam realized he wasn’t making any sense, stumbling on words he didn’t know how to use to say something that could possibly encapsulate everything he was feeling “I wasn’t expecting that okay? I just didn’t think that I would see you making out with some dude the second I opened the door…”

“Some dude… are you really sure that you didn’t storm off because he was a dude?” Theo’s anger seemed to be a little bit more tamed, but Liam could still hear it in the boy’s voice.

“No! No! Why would I? It was just because I didn’t expect it!” Liam let out, really trying to make up for what he had said before. “I didn’t expect to come back here and see that you were kissing somebody.”

Theo relaxed the grip on Liam’s shoulder and Liam noticed that his face looked calmer, the worry disappeared form it. Liam was glad that he had managed to explain the situation and to avoid that things would escalate just because he wasn’t good at choosing his words.

“I guess you didn’t expect to see me with a dude either.” Theo admitted, a nervous smile playing on his lips. “I know I probably should have told you that I’m into boys but the subject never really came up so…” Theo shyly trailed off. “Here we go: I’m bi.” He added after a short pause. “The label doesn’t matter anyway, does it?”

Theo was looking at Lim’s face like he expected his roommate to tell him that of course it didn’t matter whatever label he decided to use, that of course he was totally okay with finding out about it like this. Liam took in a big breath. “Umh, no?” He finally answered and his words came out more like a question than the reassuring answer he had hoped for. Luckily for him Theo didn’t seem bothered by it.

 “Let’s go back to our room?” the boy suggested, as he gently took Liam’s wrist into his hand to pull him towards their dorm room. “I wouldn’t want the whole dorm to hear what I have to say to you about my sexual life.” Theo laughed nervously and Liam followed him into their room.

Bi, bi, bi. He repeated in his head as he stepped back into the room, feeling stupid for having stormed out of it just a minute before.

Theo is bi.

-

The second time Liam caught Theo with Travis he wasn’t as taken aback as he had been the first time. This didn’t mean that he didn’t feel the impulse to run off the room like he had the first time as soon as he taken in the scene. Theo was sitting in Travis’ lap while they were playing video games and Travis was mindlessly playing with Theo’s hands.

Liam hadn’t met the maybe-boyfriend-Travis since that first night he had seen him, but he hadn’t been avoiding him either.

It just happened that Theo seemed to have waited for some time after Liam’s first encounter with Travis before setting up another date. Or maybe they had had other dates, Liam thought, only at Travis place, away from Liam’s eyes.

Liam couldn’t understand why he felt a sense of anxiety and nausea in his stomach when he thought of this eventuality. He forced himself to stop thinking about it, it wasn’t normal for him to think about his friend’s sexual life. Which was probably why he felt bad at the thought of Theo and Travis.

This time Travis was the first one to notice that Liam had entered the room and greeted him waving his hand before hitting Theo in the ribs with his elbow and motioning towards Liam.

“Hey!” Theo’s face broke in a warm smile when he finally saw Liam. “We’re playing FIFA, do you want to join?”

“Erm, no… I- I just came by to get some stuff. Some… books.” Liam lied before he could stop himself. He had come back from the library after a study session with the intention of settling in for a quiet night in, maybe watching a movie with Theo, but all of a sudden, the prospect of a night in the library with Mason seemed a lot better than spending his time in the same room as Theo and Travis while they played video games and made out a few feet away from him. Or maybe they wouldn’t make out with him in the room, but secretly hate him for ruining their plans all night long. Liam needed to get out of there as soon as possible.

“I’m going to the library to get over some notes with Mason!” Liam said as looked around for his History of North America, from 1200 to 1500 book, before he realized that it was already in his backpack.

The book was in the backpack he was carrying on his shoulders, the one he hadn’t bothered to take off his shoulders when he had seen that Travis was in the room.

“Mason needs help studying? I don’t see how the boy could need help studying for anything … But the thought of you needing his help to revise your history classes is even weirder, so…” Theo paused and smiled at him. Liam stomach dropped for some reason but then Theo turned to smile at Travis. “Liam is so good at history, he knows so many stuff and aces all his exams, that’s why-”

“I don’ think he wants to know any of that Theo.” Liam abruptly interrupted his roommate. “I’m going, see you later. Bye.” Liam said and turned to leave the room as quickly as possible.

“Didn’t he say he needed a book” he heard Travis ask before he could fully shut the door behind himself.

Perfect.

Hearing Travis stupid voice point out what he had hoped nobody would notice was the last thing he needed.

Liam walked as fast as he could with the snow under his boots slowing him down. When he finally got to the library, most of the irritation he had felt had disappeared like the clouds that formed when he exhaled had disappeared in the cold winter air.

Mason’s eyes showed a lot of surprise as they lifted up from his textbook and fixated on Liam.

“What are you doing here?” Mason whispered.

“I came back because I didn’t want to be back at the dorm with Theo.” Liam whispered back as he sat down opposite his best friend.

“Why? Did you two argue?” Mason was now leaning across the table to be able to communicate with Liam without having to speak too loudly, seeing as they were already attracting pointed stares from the people studying around them. “What did he do this time-”

“Sssssh” a boy next to Mason shut him off.

Liam sighed. His night kept getting better and better. Of course the universe didn’t want to let him talk to his best friend after throwing his roommate and his boyfriend in his face.

Liam decided that since he was there he could at least study, making the trip to the library worth it. But before he could resume his reading, he saw that Mason had slipped a piece of paper towards him. He took it and read his friend’s handwriting.

Explain!?!??

I came back and he was with Travis

Liam slipped the piece of paper back to Mason and watched his eyebrow arch as the boy read what he had replied, before briefly scribbling something else on the paper and giving it back to Liam.

And???

I didn’t want to see them

Liam stopped for a second before sliding the note to Mason. What if he was homophobic? When Theo had suggested it the first time Liam had walked on him and Travis Liam had immediately denied it but now… it would explain a lot, wouldn’t it? He retracted his hand and drew a line above his previous answer.

I didn’t want to see them

Do you think I could be homophobic?

He watched Mason unfold the piece of paper and roll his eyes after he read what he had written.

You’re so stupid! I am your best friend and I’m gay in case you haven’t noticed. you hang out with my boyfriend and I all the time and never had a problem with it?!?? What makes you think you’re homophobic?

Mason was making a fairly good point but Liam wasn’t fully convinced. He had reacted awfully both times he had walked in on them, even today when he already knew about the tow of them, and when they weren’t doing anything more than sitting close to each other. Real close. He had also felt a bit ill both times

Idk mason! Maybe the fact that I can’t stand seeing Theo and Travis together? I’m a horrible person

Maybe you just don’t like Travis! BUT I personally can’t see why you wouldn’t ;) is it true that he is the athlete with the best six packs on campus?

Liam sighed, he wasn’t in the mood to humour his friend.

I don’t know! It’s not like I stick around long enough to get a sight of his six packs anyway

Ok sorry! Btw your fear of being homophobic still doesn’t make sense, didn’t you tell me theo is bi? Maybe you’re biphobic ;)

This time Mason’s message made him smile.

I hate you

Liam made sure to underline the word hate at least three times before passing the note back to Mason.

You LOVE me <3

1. don’t worry, you are definitely not homo/bi-phobic and I am glad that you came back here to study J what can you tell me about the Russian revolution?? Pls?

Liam smiled and reached across the table to take Mason’s textbook.

The rest of his evening was spent helping his best friend wrap his head around the events that had happened in Russia during the revolution, mind free from thoughts about what was going on back in his and Theo’s room.

-

The third time Liam stumbled on Theo and another guy making out it was at a party. It was a house party kind of thing, hosted by a rich kid who lived with some friends in a huge apartment off of the college campus. Everybody who hadn’t been invited had considered themselves invited anyway, since the guy was known for buying huge amounts of alcohol for everybody and getting so shit faced that he wouldn’t complain about the freeloader even if he’d notice them.

Liam had been guilt tripped into going by Mason who had told him that he wouldn’t watch him spend his time alone in his room for the billionth time and then proceeded to make a speech about the impossibility of finding a girl to hook up with by never exiting his room. Not that Liam was looking for a girlfriend or something, but it had been a while since he had last hooked up with someone and he was also feeling guilty because Mason was right, they barely went out together anymore and he kind of missed partying with his best friend, girls argument aside.

As soon as they had gotten to the apartment Mason had found Corey with a group of friends and after having pretended for a while like they cared about the conversation going on around them, the two had left the group and left Liam alone, forcing him to socialize with physics and biology students. He hadn’t resisted long before he had excused himself and told the group that he was supposed to meet up with a friend who had just arrived at the party. The scientists, as he had started to mentally refer to the nerdish girls and boys, had greeted him by telling him that they could meet later on during the evening. Liam was grateful for their attempt at being nice to him, but also knew that none of them really believed that they would meet again later on during the night.

He had been wandering around aimlessly when he had seen Theo making out with somebody against a wall. Theo’s partner was so close to the wall that at first sight Liam’s brain didn’t even pick it up as a person. For a quarter of second his brain was left trying to understand why Theo was kissing a wall. But once his brain had caught up with was going on, Liam’s surprise at the sight of the person had been stronger than the unsettling feeling he got whenever he thought about Theo and Travis. A feeling that he knew way too well, and one that kept him up at night, wondering why and how he could be so badly wired that as soon as he saw two boys kissing his stomach would turn over.

But this time he was shocked because the boy that Theo was kissing against a wall, hands trailing trough his hair, wasn’t Travis.

Liam decided on the spot that he needed to get drunk or he wouldn’t know how to deal with it all. What the hell are you supposed to do when you see that your flatmate cheating on his boyfriend, which you hate without reason (and you’re not really sure you hate, because you don’t even know him, but thinking you hate him is better than the alternative: being homophobic) but at the same time you feel maybe a little sorry for?

Liam suddenly felt like he now had a goal and that his night just acquired purpose. He walked towards the kitchen with the only goal to find as much alcohol as he could in there.

Before he knew it, Liam was gone, head lost in the alcohol induced haze and not a care on the world. Or that was how he felt, until he met Theo coming down the stairs as he was looking for a toilet, crashing into him because apparently Theo hadn’t seen him.

“Liam! I didn’t know you were here!” Theo was as drunk as Liam was if not more, judging by the way he had walked into Liam as if his roommate wasn’t there and the slur in his words. “Where are Mason and Corey?”

“Does Travis know you’re cheating on him?” Liam shoot out, before he could think about it. As soon as he realized that he had uttered the words, he clumsily slapped a hand on his mouth, too drunk to really understand that it wouldn’t help him to get out of the awkward situation he had created. “Not that it is any of my business! I really don’t care if you sleep with other people… but that’s a bit low-”

“What the fuck Liam?” Suddenly Theo seemed a lot soberer than Liam felt.  “Did you really think that me and Travis were together?” Theo laughed before he fitted his fist in Liam’s shirt, pulling at it and dragging him down, to sit next to him on the staircase.

Liam didn’t try to resist the pull and followed pliantly, too wasted to really be able to have a say on how he reacted. For a brief moment, while Theo was still gripping at his t-shirt as they were sitting side by side obstructing the way for people who wanted to use the stairs and who brushed past the, Liam thought that the hand Theo was fitting in his shirt was the same one he was running through the-boy-who-clearly-wasn’t-Travis hair and the nauseating feeling was back in his stomach.

Before he could think too much about it though, he was distracted by Theo patting him on his shoulder, for a reason that escaped Liam’s comprehension.

“Me and Travis were never together, we just fool around whenever we feel like it.” Theo told him. Although he had given up any hope to make sense and not embarrass himself, Liam was surprised by the words that left his lips when he once again couldn’t control his stupid mouth.

“Which seems to be an awful lot of time lately.” He heard himself say before he shut his mouth with a snap and put his head on his knees to avoid watching Theo’s reaction to that.

“I thought you had gotten over it!” Theo snapped back, his voice charged with irritation as he put some space between the two of them.

 “You are so fucking transparent with your disgust.” He spitted out. “You know what? I pity you! I really pity you.” Liam lifted his head form his knees just in time to see Theo get up and look down on him. “Now excuse me while I go looking for another boy I can kiss just to piss you off!”

“Yeah! Go do that!” Liam answered, aware that the situation had gotten out of control, but unable to do anything against it. Trying to explain to Theo and to himself that he wasn’t mad at the fact that Theo liked boys, but just very confused about what he felt whenever Theo did it, was way too hard to do with so many drinks in his bloodstream.

So he remained sat on the stairs, his eyes following Theo’s back move away from him. After Theo disappeared in the crowd of people, his mind went back to Theo’s hands in the other boy’s hair and then, just moments before, to it fitted in his shirt.

Liam quickly got up to find the closest toilet before he would throw up on someone’s carpet, ruining the party for everybody.

-

Liam was sitting on his bed, trying to do his homework when he heard the door open and a giggle enter the room, followed immediately after by the girl who had uttered it. Before Liam could tell the girl that she had entered the wrong room Theo stepped in the room right behind her.

“Oh Liam, I thought you had classes today.” Theo seemed weirdly embarrassed and Liam couldn’t understand why.

Until, just a second after his neurons finally aligned, he could.

“Oh shit! Hello!” the girl stepped towards him with an extended hand. “I’m Martha.”

“I’m not feeling well.” Liam finally got out, eyeing the girl.

“Which is why I would rather not shake your hand, sorry.” He managed to save himself.

“Don’t worry it’s fine.” The girl, Martha, smiled at him then turned to face Theo who was standing next to her, eyes fixed on Liam. “Theo?” She addressed the boy, “Maybe we should go look for somewhere else to study-”

Theo interrupted her before she could finish the sentence by stepping between her and Liam’s bed.

“Are you ok?” He seemed worried. “Is there something I can do for you?” Theo asked, eyeing Liam. “Do you need me to get you something warm to eat?”

Liam was pleased by seeing that Theo cared for him feeling sick, but he was more taken aback by the fact that his roommate had completely bypassed Martha as soon as he had learned he wasn’t feeling good.

So he turned towards the girl and tried to make up for his roommate impoliteness by addressing her.

“I’m fine, you guys can study here.”

But apparently Theo had other surprises in mind.

“Martha, I think I should stay with him. He never skips his classes because he’s ill, so if he did there must be something really wrong.” Theo turned to look at the girl and offered her a little smile that Liam tried to read as apologetic but failed. Why the hell was Theo acting so weird? Didn’t he want to get laid?

“Theo it’s fine.” he started to speak at the same time that Martha did “Of course! I hope it’s nothing serious and that you’ll be okay by tomorrow!” She smiled at Liam and then at Theo, lightly squeezing his arm, before leaving the room, leaving a faint trace of her sweet perfume behind herself.

“Why did you send her away? I don’t need you to babysit me” Liam snapped at Theo once the girl had exited the dorm room.

“I am worried about you? Can’t I be concerned about your health? Friend before… girls. Remember?”

“Okay” Liam let out. “So, you’re back to dating girls?” once again his mouth was prompted by the feeling of unease he had started to feel in his stomach as soon as Martha was out of the room, rather than his brain, and Liam regretted saying the words as soon as they were out of his mouth.

It had become a fucking habit. A very inconvenient one that he didn’t to have any control over whatsoever. At least now he was used to passing as an asshole, but this whole brain-disconnected-from-mouth thing had reached a new level and so did the uneasiness in his stomach.

Since when wasn’t he okay with Theo not fooling around with girls? He really couldn’t blame it on being homophobic or on him not liking Travis this time. What the hell was wrong with him?

“Yes Liam, I see you finally worked out what being bisexual means! Congratulations to you! I hope this new knowledge will give you magic healing powers. I’m out of here.” Theo exasperation clearly showed in his voice and before Liam could backtrack with some - messy and insensate – explanation,  the boy stormed out the room, banging the door behind himself.

Liam immediate thought was that this time he had fucked up big time. Theo had already forgiven him too many times before and the last time they had fought about this they had been drunk so that really didn’t count. But this time and he wasn’t sure that Theo would find it in himself to get over the fact that his roommate was a total dick.

Liam growled and reached for his phone resting on his desk. He called Mason because that’s what he did whenever he fucked up. His best friend always knew what to tell him to make him feel better.

“Hello!” a voice that didn’t belong to Mason picked up.

“Corey? What-? Is Mason there?” Liam didn’t know that Corey and Mason had gotten to the point of their relationship where they’d pick up each other phone calls, but wasn’t surprised to find out that they were.

“He’s taking a bath. A long one. He met with the professor who could offer him that place as an assistant this afternoon. When he came back he said that he didn’t feel like he could go on living without ‘taking a long bath full of bubbles and empty of worries’. I am quoting.”

Corey impression of Mason was so on point that Liam felt a little laugh bubble up inside of him before he remembered why he had called, which was that he had probably ruined his relationship with his roommate and friend beyond repair.

“He said that the professor seemed interested in taking him as his assistant” Corey continued.  “I always told him that he would have got the job! But he said that he also realized that taking the job would mean having a lot of responsibility and that he wanted to-”

“That’s all very interesting Corey and I’m really glad to see once again how much you guys support each other… but I’m kind of in a crisis right now so if-”

“Is it about Theo?” Corey interrupted him.

“What? How do you know that? Are you standing outside my room right now?” Liam asked surprised. Why the hell would Corey bring up Theo?

Corey laughed “I told you, I’m with Mason, making sure he doesn’t inhale too many soap bubbles or drown in the bathtub… and I knew because everything that upsets you always seems to be about Theo lately.”

“Oh?” Liam didn’t know how to answer to that.

“Yep. Mason told me that you thought you were being homophobic because you didn’t like that he brought boys back to your room-”

“Girls, also. Apparently.” Liam interrupted his friend. “Today it was a girl.” He waited for an answer but Corey stayed silent.

“I knew it.” Liam finally heard the other boy say.

“You knew what?” This conversation made less and less sense as it progressed. “Are you sure you’re not stalking me from outside the window or something?” Liam stopped talking when he heard that Corey had started laughing.

“It’s not funny! I don’t understand anything right now, so stop making fun of me!” He whined. “Just tell me what you knew!” He realized that he must have sounded pathetic but he felt like he was going crazy and really needed his friends support. Instead all he was getting was a headache trying to figure out what Corey meant and Corey laughing in his face. His hear since they were on the phone and not technically having a real conversation.

“Is it okay if I come by?” Corey caught him by surprise by asking that. “I would rather not do this over the phone…”

“If you’re willing to risk getting infected and if it means that you will stop mocking me over the phone then you can come over.” Liam consented. “But what is it that you don’t want to do over the phone?”

“Perfect!” Corey seemed too enthusiast for a person who had just agreed to risk falling sick just to help a friend feel less confused. And pathetic. Liam really hoped his pathetic mood didn’t transpire as much over the phone. “Let me warn Mason and I’ll be there as soon as possible!” he said before he hung up on Liam without answering what the hell he was on about.

Liam pushed his forgotten notes to the side and curled in his duvet. He tried really hard not to think about the possibility of having jeopardized his friendship with Theo over something as trivial as a stupid comment he never intended to make. The small part of his brain that wasn’t worrying about Theo was used to hope that Corey would hurry up. Liam was sure that he couldn’t wait much longer before he’d lose his mind for good and run out of the room, looking for Theo across the campus. That would have been a truly interesting and pathetic experience.

Luckily about ten minutes after he had hang up, Corey was knocking at Liam’s door with a cup of soup in his hands.

“I stopped at the cafeteria just outside the building to get you this.” he said as he offered the scalding cup to Liam with a smile. “Thought you might need it.”

“Thank you.” Liam smiled back and stepped aside to let Corey into the room.

“So…” all of a sudden Corey seemed unease. “I don’t really know how to go about this but I guess that sooner or later somebody has to tell you…”

Liam looked at him bewildered, what was he saying? Telling him what? That he was an asshole for hating on his roommate…sex life?

“Telling me that I am a fucking asshole?” he weakly let out knowing that Corey was too much of a sweat soul to insult him.

“Exactly. Just not for the reasons you think.” Corey answered.

“Right. For what reason, then?” Liam sighed as he sat down on his bed.

“Can I come sit down next to you?” Corey asked him and Liam nodded, he had already warned him about microbes and stuff after all.

“Like I told you over the phone, Mason told me that that you thought you were homophobic because of the way you reacted when you saw Theo with boys, right?” Corey made a small pause to be sure that Liam was following then continued talking when he saw that Liam was nodding for him to keep going. “We both thought that it wasn’t possible since you never had any problem with us dating and Mason said that it probably was just a matter of hating Trevor. I believed him and thought that that was the best explanation. Until he told me that the other night at the party you freaked out because he was kissing another boy who wasn’t Travis and that explanation didn’t make sense anymore.”

Corey stopped once again his eyes fell to his joined hands that he kept on his lap. He was fidgeting and shuffling his feet on the carpet at the feet of Liam’s bed. And Liam couldn’t figure out why he was so nervous. He was the one that argued with his roommate and forced him to leave the room because he obviously was too disgusted to stand staying there. He nudged Corey to incite him to keep talking.

“When he told me that, I remembered what it was like for me to see him with other guys, before we got together.” Corey made a small pause before he sighed and continued. “I remembered that I felt jealous and that I hated whoever guy he was with for no reason other than that they were the ones getting Mason’s attention and I wasn’t.” Corey stopped fidgeting with his hands and looked up to Liam’s face.

“Okay… what has this to do with me then?” Liam asked, confused as ever.

“Gosh, Liam I’m really sorry to say this but you are incredibly obtuse, you know that?” Corey sighed in exasperation.

“Yes, I think we agreed on that over the phone… around the time we also decided that you would stop making fun of me!” Liam said, frustrated as ever.

“Okay. I’m going to spell it out for you since it seems like that’s the only way you’ll get it.” Corey said but before he could finally tell Liam what he apparently had been trying to, he was interrupted by Mason who stormed into the room. Apparently Corey hadn’t closed the door behind himself.

“Oh my god!” Liam’s best friend let out in between pants. “I hope you haven’t told him yet! I won’t forgive you if you did and I missed the look on his face.”

Liam was pretty sure that Mason was about to pass out from the run.

“Told me what?” Liam said at the same time Corey answered his boyfriend. “Not yet but I was about to.”

“Aaaaah.” Mason let out while flopping down on Liam’s desk chair. “This is the only situation that could drag me out of a hot bathtub to face this shitty snowy weather just to come here. I was about to stay in that tub you know? Say a big fuck it to this whole thing. But then I tried to picture Liam’s face when you told him and I had to come to see it with my two own eyes.” Mason finished as he collapsed on Liam’s desk.

Liam really didn’t understand anything anymore.

“Tell. Me. What?” he asked for the second time, feeling like this time he would start screaming if nobody answered him.

“That you have a crush on Theo” Mason gingerly said as he lifted his head from Liam’s desk to look at him. Liam registered Corey pointed glare at his boyfriend but after that he was only able to perceive what was going on around him as if he was standing in a bubble that cut out the sharp sensations coming from the world outside of it.

“What? How did you want to tell him?” Liam heard as he saw Mason looking at Corey.

“I don’t know, maybe with a little more tact.” Corey replied half bitterly.

“It’s not like he would have understood what we were telling him if we tried to tell him through metaphors.” Mason said. “By the way, Liam, it was Corey who first thought that you were jealous and then told me that maybe you had a crush on Theo.” Mason added as he approached his boyfriend and tried to hug him to make up from having stolen the task of telling Liam from him.

“You’re still sleeping on the couch Mason.” Corey replied as a smile broke on his face and he eased into the embrace.

It was only when they stopped bickering and refocused on Liam that his two friends realized that Liam stood frozen, without saying a word.

“Liam, mate?” Mason gently inquired as he stepped away from Corey and came to put a hand on Liam’s shoulder. “Say something?”

“Perfect, now you sent him into a coma!” Corey half teased, worry showing on his features.

“That’s not how comas work Corey” Mason turned to his boyfriend. “I didn’t know that he would have took it this way or I would-”

“I have what?” Liam finally managed to say.

“See? He’s still among us! Hey Liam, welcome back!” Mason joked before Corey pushed him gently.

“Hey” Mason pushed Corey back, then refocused on Liam.

“I have a cruSH ON THEO?” Liam felt his pitch go higher with panic.

“He really is shook.” Mason told Corey “I thought that he already figured it out, that we were only meant to point out what he already knew.”

Liam was desperately trying to make sense of things and ground himself in the present. In the room. In the knowledge that his friends thought he liked his roommate.

“Could you two stop talking about me as if I’m not in the room?” He asked and felt that something very close to what he felt when he got angry, growing inside his chest.

“Liam” Corey voice was worried “Try to breathe and know that this isn’t a bad thing, okay?”

Liam focused on his breathing and as he gripped the fabric of his duvet he tried to anchor himself to the reality of the room he was in. He let his eyes tray over the surfaces of the furniture and took in the sharp edges of the various pieces that took up the space of the space he shared with Theo.

Theo his roommate on whom he apparently had a crush.

It was fine, Liam thought. Very fine.

It wasn’t at all like he never thought about it and he was so surprised to hear Mason say it that he was on the brick of an anger attack. He was totally fine.

Except he wasn’t.

Liam refocused his stare on Corey’s and Mason worried faces. He didn’t want to worry them and besides it was not like he could keep freaking out forever.

“I’m fine” he forced out. “Guys, I said I’m okay, stop staring at me like I could die all of a sudden.” Corey and Mason kept staring at him but at least they tried to be less transparent with their worried looks.

“So… How do you feel about it? The whole liking Theo thing I mean.” Mason finally said. “Are we feeling good, feeling bad or feeling confused about it…?” He hesitantly asked him.

“I might need some time to process this…” Liam trailed off. “Corey, stop looking so guilty. I’m-” Liam took a big breath “…okay”.

“If you say so. I believe you. I’m still feeling guilty about how someone told you tho.” Corey replied, giving Mason a pointed stare.

“Okay I’m sorry I now realise it wasn’t the best idea. But at least now he knows.” Mason approached Corey and put his arm around his boyfriend’s shoulder. “Should we go away so that you can process things alone or…” he trailed off, clearly ready to either drag a still-frowning Corey out of the door or stay and sit down to talk things through with his best friend.

“Stay please. The last thing I need right now is Theo coming back and finding me like this.” Liam forced out a laugh that turned into a more spontaneous outburst as he thought back at the reason why Theo had run off in the first place.

“I can’t believe that I made him feel like shit for all this time when instead I could have …”

Could have what? Liam thought. Told Theo that he wasn’t being homophobic but just acting like an asshole because he was jealous? Confronted him on his feelings?

Liam’s laugh turned into a stunned silence as the truth sank in.

“I like Theo” his traitor mouth said out loud.

“I’m glad you’ve caught up. Yes, that’s exactly what we have been trying to say for the past five minutes. It’s reassuring to know you finally got it.” Mason said and this time Corey couldn’t help but smile at his boyfriend sarcasm.

“What do you want to do now, now that you know?” Corey asked calmly.

“I don’t honestly know. Shouldn’t I know what I really like before- I mean…. Do I have to label myself or something? Because I wouldn’t know where to start with that.” Liam couldn’t conceal his concern and his friends picked up on the nervous tone of his voice as they always did. Which meant that they tried their best to reassure Liam, speaking up at the same time.

“You don’t have to put a label on what you feel unless you want to” Corey said, as Mason let out a very firm “No! Of course you don’t have to, but maybe it can help you.”

“Thanks” Liam told them softly. He couldn’t find any other words to express his gratitude towards the two of them. “Thanks for always being there to pull my head off my ass and to … support me.”

“Liam you’re going to make me cry dude, stop. Of course we are here for you, that’s what friends do!” Mason sat down next to him and patted Liam’s tight. “Man…I can’t believe that finally there won’t be a token straight person among us three. The gay agenda it’s real! We did it! We turned you- … gay? Bi?” Mason jumped up from the bed and made a small run around the room. “You’re one of us Liam!”

“Mason, just stop.” Corey pulled his boyfriend by his side, trying to calm him down as he laughed along with Liam.

Liam was really grateful for the two of them. They knew exactly how to handle him, what to say to reassure him and how to act to make him smile.

“Do you guys want to order some take out? That way I won’t be here alone when- if Theo comes back and we’ll spend some time together.” Liam asked as a wave of uneasiness at the thought of Theo being mad at him beyond reconciliation surfaced once again.

“What are you talking about, he will come back! The only thing you need to do when he does is to sincerely apologize to him and let him know that you didn’t mean to be offensive. He’ll get it. He did the last three times, didn’t he?” Mason replied.

The worry in Liam’s stomach subsided a little under Mason’s optimism. He knew that it wouldn’t go away until he’s spoken with Theo face to face but there wasn’t anything he could have done about it at the moment so he nodded at Mason. Maybe Theo would be able to forgive him a fourth time, maybe he hadn’t royally fucked up. Maybe he just fucked up real bad, but something could still be done.

“What about Chinese?” Corey asked. Liam nodded once again and picked up his phone to order the food for the three of them.

-

When Theo finally came back to the room Corey and Mason had long left the place, after having reassured Liam for the millionth time that he only had to talk to Theo and explain to him that he didn’t want to offend him and say that he was sorry. Liam had tried to believe them, but a small part of his brain still insisted on painting in his head the worst-case scenario in great details, just to torture him.

The apologize part was the hardest one since Liam had never been good at admitting that he was wrong but this time he knew that there was no other way to smooth things between them and hopefully go back to normal, so as soon as he heard the door open he jumped on his feet.

“Theo? I’m sorry! I should never have said what I said. It all came out incredibly wrong and I shouldn’t have said it!” He rushed out, before he could think too much about it.

“Liam? Is that you? Why is it so dark in here?” A very drunk Theo staggered in the room. Liam felt all his hopes of a reconciliation crash down.

Theo was trying to find the switch to turn on the lights but ended up stepping on his own shoes and falling on the floor with a tump that Liam was sure would have woken up all their room’s neighbours.

“Did you see how I fell Liam?” He let out a laugh and Liam rushed to the door to close it before they’d wake up all the floor.

“I couldn’t see anything because as you pointed out it’s pitch black dark in here.” Liam sighed, “But I definitely heard you.” he replied as he crouched on the floor next to his wasted roommate. His crush.

The two words were, apparently, officially synonyms, as of today.

Gosh. Calling Theo his crush, even if only on his head, was weird. It was a good thing he didn’t have too much time to dwell on these thoughts, seeing as at the moment he had to deal with a drunk boy before he could think about anything else.

“Come on, get up.” Liam said, trying to get Theo to stand up by lightly kicking him in the legs.

“Mmmghf.” Was the only answer he got.

“Theo? You have to get up and go to bed” he tried once again, this time by gently pushing Theo’s shoulder.

“The floor is comfortable so I think I will sleep here, thank you very much.” Theo slurred out, barely audible.

The last thing Liam needed was for Theo to fall asleep on the floor and wake up the day after pissed off as ever, making it impossible for Liam to get a chance to apologize at all.

“No, you aren’t.” This time Liam resolved to physically move Theo. He got close to him so that he could lift him up by his armpits and drag him towards his bed. “Try to cooperate with me at least. Please.” Liam got his arms under Theo’s armpits and realized that Theo reeked of alcohol. He hasn’t noticed before, busy as he was making sure Theo hadn’t ruined his pretty face by tripping over. “You had fun at the party?” he asked hoping to distract Theo so that he would forget he wanted to sleep on the floor and helped Liam get him to bed by lifting himself up.

“I didn’t go to a party. I went to a bar because I was mad.” Theo stopped slurring as he got on his feet and took a few steps towards his bed, guided and supported by Liam who kept holding his weight with his arms.

“I was mad at you Liam. Did you know that?” Theo asked as he flopped into the bed, dragging Liam, who obviously wasn’t ready to resist Theo’s pull, down with him.

“I was mad at you because you were being stupid.” Theo slurred as he mindlessly rubbed a hand on Liam’s back. “I don’t know if you remember.”

Liam froze and before he could command his body to get up from the bed, away from Theo’s hand on his back and Theo’s slurred words coming off his mouth too close to his own, the boy started speaking once again.

“But that doesn’t matter now.” Theo added as he lifted his hand to stroke Liam’s hair. “I feel like it doesn’t matter now. Because you’re helping me and you’re nice.” Theo’s hand was dangerously threatening to slide down from Liam’s hair, onto his face. “I like you.”

This time Liam’s whole body reacted at the touch and before he could blink Liam was standing next to the bed, the warmth of Theo’s body still clinging to his clothes like a presence he couldn’t shake.

“You’re wasted Theo. You’re really, really, drunk, you don’t know what you’re saying so there’s no use in trying to make sense of anything right now. What about you just go to sleep?” Liam tried to keep his voice even as he spoke but his heartbeat couldn’t be tamed.

Being pushed against Theo’s chest, having the boy run his hand in his hair, and feeling the way he did about the whole situation, left no doubts in his head about his feelings towards Theo.

Having Theo drunkenly tell him that he liked him was another thing. He couldn’t let himself believe these words. Not after they had been pronounced by a very drunk and very much unaware Theo, not after they had fallen out just some hours before because of the last of a long series of ignorant comments about Theo’s sexuality and the people he slept with.

People who weren’t Liam. People that Theo liked, unlike his annoying roommate that he had a strong dislike for since he seemed to only be able to act like an asshole and a homophobic-

Liam’s thought were interrupted by a grunt coming from Theo’s direction.

“You are really stupid sometimes.” Theo said to Liam before he turned on his side and immediately fell asleep.

Liam decided that he didn’t have much choice but to go to bed himself. Hoping that sleep would catch up with him soon so that he wouldn’t have to stare at the ceiling for too long, thinking about everything he had done wrong in his life.

-

“Whoever the bottle points to when it stops spinning has to whatever the last person who played tells them to do. Which would be the one who span the bottle. All clear?” When the guy in the red shirt stopped explaining the game, a lot of voices simultaneously spoke up to ask questions related to the workings of this version of spin the bottle. Liam sighed and tuned them all out. He had got the instructions the first time and decided that he should have stayed home. He definitely wasn’t ready to kiss some random girl or have to dance a stupid ballet in front of a room full of people he barely knew. With the exception of Mason, Corey and Theo, he could make out only two fairly familiar faces, that is to say faces he’d seen around campus. Not that he would have wanted to dance in front of his friends either, but at least it would have been less humiliating than make a fool of himself in front of a pissed off crowd of random college students who didn’t know him that well, and whose only memory of him was likely to be whatever he pulled off tonight.

 “Okay let’s go!” the kid screamed excitedly. “No, Tom you don’t understand shit. Just sit down. I’m sure you’ll be able to get how the game works by watching!” Liam stared at the boy, wondering why he had let Mason drag him out of his very comfortable dorm room to feed him the true American collage experience. “Everybody sit down in a circle!” The guy kept shouting and loudly calling his friends to get their attention, as well as other random people he probably didn’t know, other victims that just like Liam were at the party thanks to their nice friends.

When everybody was finally seated a circle around the bottle, the boy gave it a spin that made it land on a girl. He told her to go outside and run around the dorm once. Liam sighed. He could really see why people got drunk at those kinds of parties and regretted having drank too little alcohol to really feel anything close to excitement or amusement at hearing the dare. When the girl came back into the room shivering from the cold, a sting of insults leaving her lips, the boy was basically rolling on the floor with laughter. Liam exchanged a look with Mason and his best friend mouthed ‘straight white people’. Then the girl span the bottle which stopped with its head pointing at Corey, and Mason snapped his attention back to the scene, suddenly interested in what was going on. Liam too peered at Corey to see how he would react to whatever the girl would tell him to do.

“You have to dance a Polka!” The girl screamed before she started giggling.

“A polka? How the fuck do you dance a polka?” Corey asked, laughter in his voice. Unlike Liam he had been clever enough to drink and his inhibitions were probably close to inexistent at the moment. Somebody quickly found a video on YouTube and showed it to Corey who tried to copy some of the dance moves much to everybody’s amusement.

Liam was starting to loosen up after all. The dares didn’t seem to be really demanding and he doubted that anybody would ask him to dance when his turn would come, now that Corey had already done it. He didn’t have any reason to keep worrying, really.

When the bottle finished spinning and it stopped pointing at him, Liam was less confident about the whole concept of the game. But still, he was reassured by the fact that it was Corey that had to choose his dare. Liam trusted him.

“Liam. I dare you to- um…” Corey brought his hand to his head, pretending to be in deep thought about what he was about to say. He had never been a good actor sober and he sure as hell wasn’t a good one when drunk, Liam understood that he was only doing it to get everybody worked up before announcing the bet.

“I dare you to kiss…” Liam tensed up, who the fuck was Corey trying to set him up with? “To kiss Theo.” Corey finally finished and Liam heard the soberer half of the room hold its breath before he realized what he had to do.

“Wh- what?” Liam looked at Mason in panic, hoping to get some support from his best friend. Anything.

What he saw instead was Mason leaning on his boyfriend shoulder and laughing along with apparently every single person in the room. Every single one, except for Theo. Liam glanced at him and their eyes met. The look on his face must have been a terrified one because Theo glanced back at him with something that looked like anger in his eyes.

“Corey, mate I don’t think he would do that.” Theo tried to make himself herd among the laughter and the not so quiet whispers that were being exchanged around the room. “Hate to break it to you but he isn’t exactly the biggest fan of boys who kiss boys.”

After that Liam’s full attention was back on Theo. So Theo still thought that he had a problem with him being bi. To be honest he had every right to, they had never talked after the night he had come home drunk. Liam had lost his bravery and never got to clear up the air.

“Wait, no! I’ll do it!” He let out before he could really think about it.

“Whoah okay?! How much did you drink?” Theo motioned at Liam to calm down with his hands.

“I wa- I mean I have to, so I’ll do it!” Liam quickly added before Theo could say anything else.

“Perfect!” Corey yelled in delight. “Now get to it!”.

Liam was going to kill him once the party was over.

He looked once again at Theo and saw that the boy looked taken aback. Liam took a deep breath and stepped forward as his whole body was screaming at him to run the other direction.

This was it. This was the moment where he could finally understand if what Mason and Corey had told him was a crush on Theo really lived up to that name or not.

Liam’s heartbeat had probably never been faster than as he made his way to Theo’s side of the room.

“Hey...” he awkwardly let out, stopping in front of the boy. The room behind him was screaming and laughing hysterically but Liam was too busy staring into Theo’s eyes to care. He suddenly felt like the little alcohol he had drunk was finally having an effect on him, but he also knew that everything he felt was most likely caused by the thought of what he was about to do.

“You don’t have to do this.” Theo voice was soft as he whispered the words to him, and Liam felt that there wouldn’t have been a better moment for him to kiss Theo than right now, to kiss away the concern in Theo’s voice, a voice that somehow made Liam’s stomach turn over.

“I’m okay with you liking boys and I’m okay with this.” Liam said and he took a step closer to Theo and brought a hand to his check. How the fuck was this supposed to go?

“Then why are your hands shaking?” Theo let out, inaudible to anybody but Liam.

Instead of answering Liam brought his head closer to Theo’s and looked at his lips before looking back up into the blue grey eyes and closing his own.

When Theo’s lips touched his Liam’s first instinct was once again that of running away.

This time around because he knew that there was no going back from this. He finally knew what it was like to kiss Theo and that scared him to death. Liam felt panic rising in his stomach and when he drew back the whole room was cheering and screaming. Still, Liam was able to focus solely on Theo.

The other boy’s eyes were light up by the soft smile playing on his lips and before Liam could start to think about the effect that seeing Theo like that, after he had kissed him, Theo’s hand was gone from his cheek and the boy had turned to the room to smile at the cheering crowd.

Liam felt Mason’s hand on his shoulder and turned to look at him.

“By the star struck look on your face, I’d say you liked it.” Mason whispered in his hear. “You owe one to Corey.” He added proudly before patting him on the back and joining the chorus of Liam! Liam! Liam! coming from the other students.

-

Liam opened his eyes and was taken by surprise by the brightness of the room. He quickly closed them again and groaned, throwing the duvet over his face and hiding it in the pillow.

“Good morning.” he heard coming from Theo’s side of the room.

Liam groaned once again. Couldn’t Theo be a good roommate for once and let him sleep?

“What?” Liam asked.

“Nothing.” Theo answered, but Liam heard that the boy had stood up and came close to his bed. “I was just wondering how you were feeling after yesterday’s night.”

Liam froze. Oh shit.

“Are you still hangover?” Theo tried asking. “Do you-”

“Thanks to you refusing to let me sleep it off, yes, I’m still hungover.” Liam grunted as he emerged from the duvet to stare at Theo with eyes barely opened and try to make him feel bad for waking him up.

“Listen I’m sorry. I-… I just wanted to make sure that you weren’t feeling bad for what you- we did last night.” Before Liam could finish seeing a list of things he could have done, and forgot about, that involved Theo, the boy cleared his voice. “For the dare, I mean.”

Right, of course. The dare. Liam knew he hadn’t been so wasted to do something and forget about it the morning after, but he also knew that his feelings towards Theo had been a little bit out of control in the past days so there was no being one hundred percent sure.

He had caught himself staring at Theo doing push ups on the dorm floor more than he liked to admit. And once Mason had walked in on him staring at Theo’s back while the other boy was doing his school work. His friend had pulled him apart and told him that he needed to stop staring or he’d have burned two heart shaped holes on Theo’s back. Liam hadn’t been able to come up with a good enough comeback, busy as he was blushing.

So yeah, for a moment he really feared that maybe during yesterday party he had done something as stupid as confess everything to Theo. Not that kissing him wasn’t a big enough deal.

“You ran off as soon as the game finished and I thought that maybe you were freaking out about the kiss…” Theo trailed off.

“No! No! The kiss was good! I mean, I didn’t dislike- I mean, it was fine!” Liam rushed out. Good job you idiot.

“I’m glad you didn’t regret it.” Theo smiled and Liam saw him visibly relax.

Why did he care so much about how Liam felt about the dare?

“Us living together” Theo said motioning between them “would have been very awkward otherwise.”

Liam gave himself a mental “very good” star-shaped sticker for fighting the urge to reply with a ‘What do you mean would have been?’.

“You can go back to sleep now” Theo lightly pushed him on the arm and smiled once again before he turned and walked out of the door.

“As if.” Liam whispered to the empty room.

-

Another winter evening. Another crowded kitchen full of people Liam had never seen before. Another house party he had been dragged to and had no interest in experiencing.

“I see you’re having fun!” A girl Liam knew from a history seminar he had taken the previous year lightly hit him in the arm as she came to sit on the countertop next to him.

“I’m Laila by the way. We were in the same ancient history seminary with Knopf last year.” Laila extended her hand towards Liam as she sipped some of the drink in her cup through a rainbow straw.

“Yeah, I remember you.” Liam answered as he shook her hand and then realized that he probably could have been a little friendlier. “How are you? I haven’t seen you much around.” He remembered that he had noticed her the first week of class. She was really beautiful. She always wore jeans jackets and her long black hair were often loose on her back. Liam sat behind her and noticed how she would laugh with her whole body at the teacher jokes (which were really funny jokes coming from a professor).

“That’s because I dropped off history” The girl said with a laugh. “I’m taking sociology and German classes now.”

“Ooh. That’s… nice.” Liam hated himself for being so socially awkward when it came to interacting with semi-random people at parties. Laila was really nice and he genuinely liked her but his brain wasn’t made for small talk. Or any talk at all, seeing as he had a reputation for being the kid who barely spoke and probably the one who embarrassed himself the few times he did it as well.

“I see that’s you’re still shy.” Laila said, as if she had been reading his mind. “I get it, don’t worry. I am the same. Can’t socialize for shit if not under the influence of alcohol, this-” she gestured at herself. “- is all fake confidence. Liquid courage as they call it.”

Liam couldn’t help but lift but smile.

“Talking of which, I think you should get some. If nothing else it will make you forget this party in the morning!” She chirped out. “Here, have a sip of this.” Laila added as she passed the cup to Liam. “The rainbow straw won’t turn you gay, don’t worry”.

Liam almost choked on the sweet drink’s sip.

“I promise it won’t!” Laila laughed, probably mistaking Liam’s coughing for a repressed laugh. “I already was gay before I started drinking from it tonight. Oh my god I really never shut up when I’m drunk. I’m sorry.” Laila briefly closed her eyes before snapping them back open and taking her cup back from Liam’s hands. “Did you like it? There’s more in the living room, come on!” She jumped off the countertop and gently tugged at Liam’s sleeve to get him down as well.

“Come on! I swear you will thank me later!” she added as she watched Liam, waiting for him to follow her out of the kitchen.

“Alright, alright, it wasn’t bad. I guess I could have some more to get through, this.” Liam waved his hand at the kitchen, and before he knew it, Laila had taken it into hers and started to pull him towards the living room.

“I want you to pretend to be my boyfriend so that I can see it this girl I’m hoping is interested in me gets jealous.” Laila explained to him in a whisper as they entered the room even more crowded than the kitchen.

“What? You want me to act like your boyfriend to see if she’s into you? How does that make sense?” Liam whispered back.

“The trick is sticking close to you while watching her reactions so that I can understand if she’s disappointed or not of seeing me with you.”

“Uh…? I’m not following I’m sorry. Wouldn’t it mean that if she was into you she’s try to cover up her disappointment when she sees that you are with me?” Laila gave back the cup to Liam as she shoot him what he had come to know as the ‘you are so fucking dumb’ look, from Mason giving him the same exact look approximately once a day.

“I’m not expecting you to understand the workings of the female genius mind, only to play along. If you’re okay that’s it… If you aren’t trying to impress someone yourself, that’s it.” Laila seemed a lot soberer as she uttered the last words, her voice going up in an interrogative tone. “Maybe the boy you kissed the other night during the spin the bottle game? Oh I’m kidding, don’t make that face. I already told you the straw won’t turn you gay!” Laila lightly punched him in the ribs and Liam thought that getting punched was the perfect distraction against having to try and explain to her why he had reacted the way he did, instead of letting it slide, like he had done just some minutes before in the kitchen.

“Don’t worry, no offence taken. I was just …surprised that you were there and saw it- the kiss, that’s all.” Liam slurred out before taking a huge gulp of the drink.

“No listen, I am sorry. I know that I talk too much and become very forward when I’m drunk so, if we have to be fake boyfriend and girlfriend for tonight we should draw some boundaries. First: I can’t keep acting my gay fool self just because I’m kind of head over heels for this girl and-” Liam interrupted her before she would continue the sentence. The last thing he wanted was for her to feel guilty about being open about her sexuality. He had to deal with enough people being apologetic about their sexuality, only because he seemed to be so fucking taken aback by the subject every time it was brought up.

“Hey, it’s really fine, you don’t have to worry. It’s chill.” Liam hurried out. “Beside I am not so straight myself so it’s okay, really.”

Fuck? Liam thought. Did he really just come out to a semi-stranger just to make them feel better about themselves?

Did he really just do that when he hadn’t come out to anybody but his best friends? Really??

“I mean I don’t know. I may- I-… it’s complicated. But yeah. Don’t worry about being ‘your fool gay self’ around me. Please.” Nice, he had started to beg people to not feel sorry now.

“Ooh, okay. Even better than I thought then!” Laila didn’t seem too affected by the confession and didn’t ask him to elaborate.

Liam felt the panic that had suddenly filled his stomach subdue Laila refilled his cup, before dragging him to another room in search for the famous girl she was crushing on.

A few rooms, and many drunken people they had to squeeze past, later, Laila let out a strangled sound.

“Ohmygod it’s her!” She squealed as she came to an abrupt stop as soon as she and Liam had entered into the hallway that lead to the main door of the house. “Oh shit.”

“Breathe.” Liam couldn’t help but laugh at Laila’s panic. He wouldn’t have handled it better if the roles were reversed, but for now he could give into the moment and have as fun as the situation allowed him to. “Which one is she?”

Liam asked curiously. He really wanted to figure out what kind of girl had captured Laila’s interest.

“The one standing next to the portrait.” Laila exhaled in a whisper Liam was ready to catch only because he had lowered his ear to the girl’s mouth. “She’s- the one standing next to the guy giving us his back, the one in the pink sweater. She’s wearing glasses and a striped hoodie. She’s the prettiest one of the group- oh shit they are coming this way!” Laila stopped describing her crush and she launched herself behind Liam.

“Shouldn’t we act like a couple rather than … a rabbit and a hole?” Only after the words left his mouth he realized how bad that sounded. Liam turned towards Laila, laughing. He definitely was starting to feel the buzz of the alcohol and the party didn’t feel like a bad idea after all. He was really having fun, not just pretending to. “That didn’t sound right. I just meant, maybe do not hide from her.”

“You’re totally right! I panicked, sorry!” Laila straightened up before whispering “look at me like you’d want to make out with me right on the spot!”.

“I will try.” Liam laughed as he tried to come up with a way to look like he was interested in kissing Laila right now and there. He broke into a fit of giggles as he realized that if she had asked him a year ago he wouldn’t have struggled the slightest. He had always thought she was really pretty and sometimes he had caught himself thinking about her after seeing her in class. He was wondering if he could tell her that, to make her laugh and loosen up a bit, when he crashed into someone.

“Whoops.” he said to the stranger. Pink sweater guy.

“I thought you knew my name by now Liam” the guy said and Liam realised that he had actually said it out loud. A split second later, his brain finally one hundred percent back online, he also realized that pink sweater guy was Theo.

Liam had never seen him in that sweater and he really, really, liked how he looked in it.

Theo had styled his hair back, with the exception of a rebellious strand of hair that fell on his forehead. It gave his look a certain softness, completed by the pale colour of the sweater and the loose smile on his lips.

“That’s the look I wanted to see!” Laila squealed as she turned to face Liam, before she took in the whole scene. When she did her lips formed an o and her eyes softened. “Oh.”

Liam was regretting ever agreeing to drinking whatever sweet drink he drank before, which by the way had to be 70% alcohol, since suddenly he was feeling too drunk to focus. He had heard that “girly” drinks (whatever that was supposed to mean) were stronger than normal drinks or whatever, and after tonight’s impromptu empirical study on alcoholic beverages he felt like he could without doubt confirm it.

Laila obviously was more used to the effect of the drink than he was, seeing as quickly she caught up and immediately got it together before she was able to stretch out her hand towards Theo.

“Hello, I’m Laila”.

“Hi, nice to meet you, I’m Theo.” Liam watched as Theo took Laila’s extended hand and quickly shook it. “Liam’s roommate.” Theo added before he let go of Laila’s hand and turned towards Liam. “I wasn’t expecting to see you here. I thought parties weren’t your thing.”

“They are not.” Liam quickly answered. A bit of silence spread through the air and nobody seemed to have to words to break it.

Liam cleared his throat. “Really not my scene… But Laila is helping to improve my party-goer experience.” Liam added. He was feeling bubbly and did not really care about how loose his speech was. He had apparently entered the drunken bubble of loose tongue, the one where you just blurt out anything, not self-control involved in the conversation.

“I see…” Theo looked at him funny. Why did he look so uptight all of a sudden? Liam wanted to smack him lightly on the face to make the look go away.

He was about to stretch out his arm and do just that when he remembered that you are not supposed to hit people at parties. Not even lightly, not even for joke, not ever. Liam giggled to himself.

 “Okay then, I’m… going to find a friend of mine that should be…around here somewhere.” Theo excused himself as he turned his head around as if he was expecting to see his friend pop up from nowhere. “Bye.”

“Bye Theo, see you later!” Liam told his brain to say, before he heard a high-pitched voice repeat the words. Gosh, he was wasted. He turned towards Laila and took her arm before dragging her away. From the corner of his eye he saw Theo staring at them, an unreadable look on his face.

-

Liam made his way through the crowd until he reached the stairs that lead upstairs. He climbed them slowly, not really rushing to get away from the group of people he had spent the last hour with, all friends of Laila for the most part, but some random people he had no idea who they were as well. What he had felt at the beginning of the evening, the unsettling feeling in his stomach had entirely dissipated, thanks to Laila helping him to have fun without doubt. And of course, thanks to the many drinks he had downed throughout the night. He’d lost count of how many shots he had taken and how many cans of beer had passed through his hands, but they were a lot and now he really needed to pee.

He reached the top of the stairs and noticed that the bathroom's door was open. A wave of relief flooded him. He didn’t know if he could hold it any longer. Liam headed for the door, but had to stop quite abruptly when another person came crashing onto him.

Before Liam could apologize he realized that his face was buried in Theo’s pink sweater.

"Fuck sorry! Fuck- Liam? You again?" Theo said when he realised that the person he had bumped into was Liam. "Do you need the bathroom as well?"

"No. I mean yes! But it can wait, you go first." Liam smiled at Theo.

"Are you sure?" Theo looked at him with an interrogative expression on his face.

"Yep, go on." Liam could definitely hold his pee for a while longer after all.

"Thanks dude!"

Liam waved Theo away in a dismissive manner and he watched him get into the bathroom.

The last thing he needed right now was to see Theo after he had been feeling kind of lonely and in need of love.

Half an hour or so ago he had finally succeeded in helping Laila get the girl. Which yay for successful wingman points. But not that cool since it had left him realizing that he missed having someone to snuggle up to and flirt with.

And it was not like he pined after Theo all the time, but given the circumstances, which consisted of him feeling lonely and Theo looking as good as ever in his pink sweater and his fluffy hair, Liam didn't really want to spend too much time in his presence for fear of not being able to keep it together.

Before he could decide on his next move Theo came out of the bathroom.

“It’s all yours bro.” Theo said to him, gesturing towards the bathroom.

Liam quickly got in and slammed the door behind himself.

“Everything okay?” Came a muffled voice from behind the door. Of course Theo couldn’t leave him alone.

“Yeah! I’m just trying to pee if you don’t mind!” Liam snapped back. He didn’t mean to be rude to him, the rational part of his brain that was still working knew that Theo hadn’t done anything bad.

Except for maybe not liking him back the way Liam did. Which he had no control over whatsoever, so maybe he should just stop acting like a child.

“You seemed a little on the edge” Theo obviously didn’t plan on leaving.

“Wha- why?” Liam asked.

“I don’t know” Theo let out.

Liam was about to ask him why he had asked in the first place then, when Theo’s voice came again. “Everything good with your date?” 

Liam almost missed the question because he was washing his hands and the running water muffled the already-hard-to-make-out sound of Theo’s voice, coming from behind the bathroom door mixed with the beat of the music. He quickly dried his hands on his trousers before opening the door.

“My what?” he asked to Theo’s face.

“The girl you were with downstairs… Leila?” Theo’s face was a mixture of confusion and impatience.

Liam let out a laugh. He stared at Theo’s face, wondering just how good their act must have been for Theo to think they were actually together.

“She wasn’t my date.” He finally said. “Why? Would you care if she was?” he added in a daring tone before he could stop himself.

Liam panicked. Maybe that sounded too much like he was flirting. Fuck!

Flirting with your crush while drunk. This had to be the next level on his drunken stupid ideas. A fucking great idea really.

Theo seemed a bit taken aback by the question, but if he was particularly surprised by it, he hid it well.

Or maybe Liam was just too drunk to tell.

“Fuck I am so drunk.” Liam sighed as he rubbed his eyes.

“That makes sense.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” Liam asked as he moved towards Theo, who had approached another room as they talked. They walked into the room he recognized as being the one in which he had thrown his jacket at the beginning of the evening.

The only thing Liam knew beside which room they were in, was that he needed to leave the party and leave Theo behind as well, before he acted on his stupid drunk impulses and did something that involved him doing something really embarrassing.

Like him asking Theo why he looked so good. Or some equally stupid shit.

“For a moment I thought you were making a pass at me.”

Liam froze dead on his tracks.

“Yeah?” He choked out. Suddenly he wasn’t so sure about how one’s supposed to breathe. Something about pushing air in and out of your lungs.

Except he didn’t know how to do any of that, or how to act at all. What was the procedure when the boy you desperately wanted to kiss, and just accidentally flirted with, suggested that you might have tried to flirt with him?

Theo let out a small laugh. Liam turned to watch him. If he didn’t know any better he would have thought that Theo was nervous.

 “Yeah.” Theo’s voice came to him in a whisper and Liam would have thought that he had imagined it, if it wasn’t for the fact that he was staring at Theo’s lips and had seen them moving.

Before Liam could get from his brain any hint on what he was supposed to do, all of a sudden, the music stopped blasting through the speakers and right the same second, the lights went out.

Liam heard some people scream and some hysterical bursts of laughter coming from downstairs. His hears weren’t adjusted to the sudden silence, but it didn’t matter because the only sound he could focus on was his own heartbeat.

“Wha-” Before he could realize what had happened, Liam felt Theo’s hands grab his shirt.

“Um, Theo?”

Some heartbeats of silence stretched between them before Theo answered him.

“I’m sorry.” Theo’s hands were still resting low on Liam’s stomach, fists grabbing the material of his t-shirt like a castaway to a lifesaver. “I’m actually kind of-“ Theo trailed off.

“Yeah?”

“Scared of the dark?” Theo let out, more like a question than a fact.

“You are?”

“Mmh.”

Liam didn’t know what to do and the liquor fog clouding his mind didn’t help him think any better. “So that’s why you’re holding onto me?”

“Yup.” Theo said a heartbeat later.

Liam shivered as Theo’s hand gazed against his bare skin under the shirt. He tried to cover it up with a cough.

“Umm…okay.”

“Do you mind?” Theo let out in a rush.

“That you’re scared of the dark?” Liam asked, because he really could not understand what was going on.

Theo let out a small laugh. “No, you idiot.”

The room fell into silence once again.

“That I am this close to you.”

Liam couldn’t move. His whole body tensed up and he held his breath.

“N- no” he said as he cleared his voice, for real this time.

“Okay that’s cool.” Theo’s hands seemed to relax against Liam’s stomach.

Which, okay… Good because it meant that Theo wasn’t freaking out about the whole thing. And bad, really bad, because it meant that Theo’s knuckles where brushing against his skin, right above his trousers’ waistband.

Just because his brain wouldn’t give him some rest, Liam heard himself speak.

“We kissed, remember?”

“Of course I do.” Theo’s answer came soft in the dark.

Liam breathed.

“That doesn’t mean that you have to be okay with us being this close.” Theo traced his knuckles along Liam’s stomach.

Liam felt like in between Theo coming out to him and his own gay realization, he had somehow missed the boat on the whole coming out to Theo thing. He swallowed, hoping that the time it took him to make the knot in his throat dissolve would give him enough time to come up with a sentence that didn’t make him sound as wrecked as he was by Theo’s light touch.

“No, you- you’re right.” He managed to get out at least. “But I am.”

Liam was starting to see a little better in the darkness, his eyes adjusting to the lack of light. Or maybe it was just that his pupils must have been blown out of proportions because of some other issue he was not managing too well. He still couldn’t really make out Theo, who was still in front of him, judging by the small puffs of breath he felt on his face. He coughed.

“With this I mean.”

“Yeah?”

Theo seemed a little bit out of breath and Liam didn’t want to read into it, if he wanted a chance to make it through the night.

“Does it also mean you’d be okay if we did it again?”

And fuck. Liam’s brain came to a stop.

Of course Liam would but, it didn’t make any sense that Theo would be suggesting what he thought he was suggesting.

“What?” he choked out. “You- make out?”

“Mmmh” Theo was back to tracing his knuckles on Liam’s skin and okay, maybe Liam wasn’t reading into anything.

Maybe this, whatever it was, was really happening. And maybe for once he was allowed to let it happen, without overthinking everything.

“I mean you could probably do better but-“

Before he could finish the sentence, Theo’s lips were on his, gently shutting him up.

Liam slightly opened his mouth to kiss back and Theo responded by opening his own.

Liam wanted this so bad, had wanted it for months now, and couldn’t believe that it was actually happening. Theo was kissing him for real and it wasn’t just some elaborate fantasy or a peck on the lips like they had shared at the party.

He wanted to melt into Theo’s touch, to feel the moment and never let go. He started to reach up to Theo’s head to tangle his fingers in Theo’s hair.  

Before he could deepen the kiss, like he was dying to, the lights came back on.

Liam found himself staring into Theo's face, illuminated by the suddenly too raw light.

Theo looked even better than Liam remembered and for a wild moment he thought about kissing him again. Liam's whole body was vibrating with expectation begging for more, more of Theo, more of his lips, more of just the two of them. Even though the sudden space between them made him a little crazy, the rational part of his brain stopped him before he could reach out and touch Theo again.

Making out with Theo in the darkness could be something that only happened because it was hidden from the world. Almost like it was happening in another dimension and didn't have to fit in their real lives, to find a reason and to be justified. It just was. No need to explain it.

But under the yellow lights Liam could see Theo's eyes and read the same doubts that he suspected showed in his own. Theo looked unsure and maybe a bit scared as he was the first one to react to their bubble being burst, taking a step back from Liam.

Before any of them could say anything, a loud voice came from right outside the door.

“And now I can prove it to you." somebody said before opening the room's door. A guy and a girl appeared in the doorframe.

Liam instinctively brought his hand to his messed-up hair, trying to straighten them. He caught sight of Theo doing the same with the fabric of his sweater.

Only then Liam realized that he had been holding on to the fabric while they made out, anchoring himself to Theo like he needed to know that it was really happening, or maybe to make sure that Theo wouldn't run from him.

The guy was still staring at them, the girl hugging his arm glared as well, with questioning look in her eyes.

"What are you guys doing here?" The guy finally asked. His question sounded genuine, and Liam thought that he wasn’t showing any sign of having caught up on the situation. Liam finally allowed himself to breathe in some air after he realised that he had been holding his breath.

Thank god for heteronormativity was the first thing that came to his mind. Okay wow. That was such a Mason thing to think. Speaking of, the last time he had seen Mason had been downstairs in the living room, two hours before.

He needed to find him and Corey. He had a lot to tell them.

Before any of them could answer the guy, Theo shouldered past the couple and exited the room.

-

Liam had come back to the dorm after the party and had found Theo already asleep. Or pretending to be asleep. The day after he had woken up and Theo had already left for class.

They hadn’t seen each other again until the evening, when Liam had stumbled through the door of their room and had seen Theo sitting at his desk, headphones on his head and a focused look on his face.

They had spoken their first words after some hours, when Theo had finally got up to go to the toilet. He had asked Liam if he wanted to go eat something with him and Liam had felt like all the fidgeting and the hours spent worrying in the bed next to him had been useless.

This meant Liam had had the whole day to convince himself that whatever happened the night before had been some sick one-time thing that he would remember for the rest of his life, but that would never happen again, since Theo seemed to want to act like it never happened. But then, as they were eating some ramen noodles Theo had asked him if he wanted to watch a movie with him before going to bed. Liam had agreed because that was the only possible answer.

He only had time to freak out about it on the way back to their room.

To: Mason

18.30

Mason help

To: Mason

18.32

I need you

To: Mason

18.40

MA S ON

I’m kinda freaking out over her man

To: Corey

18.43

Corey? Are you with mason

To: Mason

18.50

I swear that if you arent answering me bc your with corey I will come and kick ur ass

“Are you studying?” Liam blinked up from his phone and quickly shut off the screen.

“Hey!” He said, a little too eagerly than he would have liked. “I’m- I was asking Mason about… If I could borrow his baseball bat.” Nice one Liam.

“His baseball bat? What do you need it for?” Theo asked him, laugh in his voice. “I hope you aren’t planning to ditch our movie night to go chase after some weird supernatural shapeshifter around campus.”

“I wasn’t.” Liam chuckled. “I need it for a project.” A baseball bat for a school project, really?

“Really, what kind?” Theo asked him while taking off his coat and letting it fall on his chair. Liam really wished he was a better liar because he was done with this habit of his of digging himself into holes of lies that he wasn’t prepared back up with other - believable - lies. “Shit, it’s fucking freezing outside!”

“That’s why I postponed my vampire hunt to another day!” Liam tried to switch the discourse back to safer waters.

“I’m glad you’re still up for watching the movie because…” Theo paused dramatically as he turned and grabbed something from his backpack. “I’ve got popcorns!” He finished as he produced a popcorn bag with a big smile on his face.

“Can you set up the movie as I change into some sweatpants?” Theo gestured at his very tight, very uncomfortable by the look of it, jeans. Liam looked away a second too late.

“Yeah, of course, take your time.” Liam answered as he gulped down his instinct to get up and press Theo against the nearest available surface.

To: Mason

18.52

thanks for always being there for me……….

Liam sighed and put down his phone. Mason obviously wasn’t paying attention to him and he needed to stop waiting for him to answer.

I am an adult and I’ve got this. This isn’t a date. Stop being so fucking nervous. You can do it. Stop-

“I’ve waited all day for this.” Theo sighed as he flopped himself down on the bed next to Liam. “Is everything ready?”

Liam could smell the fresh aftershave Theo was wearing and for a brief moment Theo’s hands brushed his arm as he was reaching to get a pillow to prop between his back and the wall behind Liam’s bed.

Liam thought that he had done a fairly good job at convincing himself that he could go through the night without being too affected by Theo, but judging from his reaction to the casual touch, he hadn’t.

He sighed and wished for the umpteenth time that Mason or Corey would have been available to give him a prep talk.

“Yep, everything’s ready.” Liam shivered and put a little bit of distance between Theo and himself before he started the movie.

They weren’t even ten minutes into the film when Liam turned to quickly glance at Theo and noticed that the boy was hugging himself.

“Everything okay?” He whispered in the semi obscurity.

“Yes.” Theo whispered back as he shifted a little bit closer to Liam.

Liam held his breath. What the fuck was he supposed to do if Theo came any closer? Offer him a duvet to put on his shoulders so he wouldn’t be cold? Tell him to get away or his head would start coming up with thoughts he wasn’t allowed to have?

Luckily for him the other boy seemed to have refocused on the screen and stopped shifting on the bed. To be fair, the problem for Liam wouldn’t have been cuddling Theo while watching a movie. They had already done it several times before this evening. The problem would have been cuddling Theo while they watched a movie while he knew that he had feelings for him. He’d never paid much attention to Theo’s hands lying on his shoulders, his arm resting beneath Liam’s head, or never really cared to excuse himself before he slipped his feet under Theo’s thighs to keep them warm.

But tonight, he knew that everything would feel different and he wasn’t ready for any kind of physical contact.

Liam tried to refocus on the movie but his senses were all pointed to Theo, ready to catch any shift coming for the boy.

He had just gotten back into the movie when his whole body tensed up as he felt Theo shift closer. Theo’s leg had come to touch his own and Theo’s shoulder was falling against Liam’s arm.

Do I need to say something? Play it off like it’s nothing?

He hated feeling this helpless. It was like Liam had forgotten how he used to act around Theo during all those months previous his infatuation, and now he had to re-learn how to act normally around the boy. Except he couldn’t act normally when his heart’s rate picked up at the mere contact with Theo’s body. And at the thought of what it had felt like when Theo had touched him in the dark the night before, before he decided that Liam was good as a roommate but nothing more apparently.

That’s exactly why he needed Mason to calm him down. He couldn’t be this close to Theo without acting weird.

Liam caught a glimpse of his phone lighting up from the corner of his eye.

Of course, Mason got back to him now.

In one hand, that was the perfect distraction he needed to move away from Theo and stop whatever was going on in his head. But on the other, he really didn’t wanna move. He hated himself for that. For being so pathetically crushing on his roommate that he was ready to enjoy small moments of contact like this one, without forcing himself to face the truth and move on already.

But hating himself didn’t stop him from wanting to enjoy those stolen touches and impossible dreams his head made up as soon as he did as much as see Theo look his way.

Liam held back a sigh. He tried to relax into Theo’s touch and ignore the incoming texts messages, hoping that Theo wouldn’t notice that his phone was lighting up half the room because he was an idiot and had turned up his brightness to the maximum.

Which meant that obviously Theo noticed.

“Looks like somebody really needs you.” Theo said after a while. Liam’s prayers for the screen to just magically turn off gone unheard. The ones for Theo to ignore it as useless.

“Huh?!” He tried to act as surprised as he could.

“Your phone. You just got like thirty texts.” Theo added.

“Oh right.” Liam tried to discreetly push his phone under the duvet.

Discreetly would have worked just fine if Theo wouldn’t have been staring at him with an amused look on his face.

“Shouldn’t you get it?” the other boy asked with a smile that looked too much like a smirk.

“It’s probably just Mason telling me that I can use his baseball bat.” Liam really hoped Theo would just shut up so that he could go back to his pathetic ‘our limbs are touching’ moment he had going on.

“Right, the baseball bat” Theo said, emphasizing the last word. “That you need for a special project you don’t want to tell me anything about.” He added, as he extended his hand to gently poke at Liam’s chest.

Liam’s first instinct was that of reaching out to stop Theo’s hand from hitting him. He’d always been ticklish and had learned to prevent people from tickling him by anticipating their moves and saving them from getting hit in the face in an attempt to make it stop.

He realized too late that that meant holding Theo’s hand in his.

“Don’t you dare tickle me.” Liam got out with a cough. What the fuck! Why was he still holding Theo’s hand and why wasn’t Theo trying to free his hand from Liam’s grasp?

Why didn’t anything Theo relate make sense?

Liam forced himself to let go of Theo’s hand. One thing was pining in his head and acting chill in front of Theo, the other was making a fucking clown of himself by letting Theo know just how he felt. Even after he had been clearly rejected.

He saw Theo retracting his hand from the corner of his eye and let out a breath. That was more like it.

Except Theo’s hand came to a stop next to Liam’s thigh.

“Okay.” Theo said softly and turned back to the screen with what Liam was now sure was a smirk. “I won’t.”

And for a moment Liam was unable to draw his eyes away from Theo’s face. The boy’s features where dimly lit by the blue light coming from the screen but Liam could still make out the faint smile that was now sitting on Theo’s lips, exactly where the smirk had been just seconds ago.

Theo’s hand was burning a small hole on the side of his tight and all he could think about was how much he wanted to get closer to the boy, to take back the hand and place it on his face.

“Do you think he will make it to the end of the movie?” Theo asked him. Liam had no idea whose character Theo was talking about. He hadn’t looked at the screen for a good minute now.

Unless Theo was talking about him, to which the answer would have been ‘If you keep making him want to kiss you, against all his better judgement, then probably not.’

Liam was still staring when Theo turned to look at him.

“I don’t know.” He carefully let out, realizing Theo was waiting for an answer. It was the more honest answer he could give, since he had no idea what they were watching at this point. Liam really hoped it would satisfy Theo.

Theo’s face looked tense all of a sudden.

“What where we doing the other night at the party?” Liam wasn’t expecting the question and he tried to not tense up himself, knowing that Theo would be able to tell he was nervous from feeling Liam’s limbs go rigid where they were lying against his own.

Theo had turned to stare fixedly at the screen.

“I…” I what? This wasn’t fair. The question should have come from him, not Theo. It should have come yesterday, when Theo had left the room like he was in a hurry to get as far away from Liam as quickly as he could. It wasn’t fair coming from the one of the them that didn’t spend the day thinking they were going crazy.

“I don’t know.” Liam said, and it probably sounded hysteric. He let out a breath.

“Did you ever- did you really want it to happen?” Theo asked, his stare fixed on the screen.

Liam stomach felt like it had suddenly turned upside down and he could feel his palms start to sweat. He could either lie and fuck everything up, or tell the truth and fuck everything up. He tried to calm down by taking a deep breath.

“I can’t have made up everything in my head, right? You were into it.” Theo said, and as he turned to finally look at Liam, Liam could see from the corner of his eyes the same hesitation he’d picked up in the boy’s voice mirrored on his tense face.

And it hit him then, that maybe Theo was as scared as he was.

 “I….” He tried but he really didn’t know how to finish the sentence. His mind had gone blank and Liam could not think of any words. Let alone speak them.

He thought that if he had been braver he’d have the words he needed to answer Theo. Because there was no doubt in his mind that he had been into it. He had loved every second of it and hadn’t stopped dreaming of doing it again ever since.

But he didn’t know how to say any of that, where to find the courage he needed to utter those words. Not when he had thought that Theo was on a completely different page until seconds ago.

When Liam finally dared to turn towards Theo, he saw that the boy’s face had closed off.

Perfect. Now Theo believed that he had never wished for them to hook up, or that he regretted ever having done it, or…

Liam’s stomach twisted into a knot. He couldn’t let Theo think any of that and ruin everything. Even if it cost him his dignity. Even if There still was a chance Theo was only asking to make sure that Liam hadn’t fallen in love with him when he had only meant for it to be a one off.

“Theo…” he let out faintly.

“It’s okay.” Theo said coldly and he propped himself up against the wall, away from Liam.

Before he could chicken out, Liam reached out and took Theo’s hand into his own.

“Stop. Look at me.” Liam let out a breath. “I have thought about that. Kissing you I mean. I thought about doing it even before it happened. Ever since that time we kissed during spin the bottle. I-” Liam stopped himself. What am I doing? He knew that he’d gone too far to backtrack now, no matter how scared he was.

“I wanted to kiss you and when it happened I- I don’t know, I think I might have a crush on you… or something.” Understatement of the century.

Theo hadn’t withdrawn his hand from Liam’s, so Liam dared to slowly drag his finger across it. To fill the silence left behind by his words.

“And it’s stupid. Because I’ve acted like such an asshole to you in the past months and you probably don’t even feel the same. But… I can’t help it.” Liam dared to lift his eyes. “You’re kind of here at the moment.” He said, placing Theo’s hand briefly over his chest. “And I tried to let you out but I don’t know how.” He finished and let go of Theo’s hand.

He took a deep breath.

Theo was looking at him in silence, but Liam felt strangely at peace. Maybe confessing your feelings had this effect on people.

“I’m in your heart?” Theo smiled. “Is that what you meant by this?” He said as he brought his hand over Liam’s chest.

Liam let out a small laugh.

“Shut up. It’s stupid, like I said, but-”

“Ssssh.” He was cut out by Theo’s hand on his mouth, shushing him.

Liam was left with nothing to do but stare into Theo’s eyes.

“It’s not stupid if it’s what you feel.” Theo whispered and closed the distance between them, coming to gently rest his forehead against Liam’s. “Never.”

Liam felt a rush of adrenaline run through him. Or maybe it was a shiver.

It could be a lightning bolt for all he knew.

His whole body was telling him to close the distance between their lips, so for once he decided to listen to it, and let himself fall forward.

It was everything their hook up at the party hadn’t been, slow, sweet and calculated.

When Liam lifted his eyes after the kiss, Theo’s eyes were staring into his and Liam could feel every single one of his heartbeats echoing in his chest, banging against his ribs like in a cage.

Theo’s face was still millimetres away from his own and although it clearly wasn’t the case, Liam could swear that he was dreaming.

Theo slowly raised his hand to cup Liam’s face into his hands.

The kiss that followed was deeper and lasted long enough for Liam to wish he’d melt into it. Into the warm and soft touch of Theo’s hand on his cheek.

Into the moment and into their heartbeats that for the first time in a long time seemed to finally be synchronized.

“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” Theo asked when he drew back.

“Because I didn’t think I could.” Liam sighed. He had come to place his hands on Theo’s waist and he caressed Theo through his t-shirt. He could have stayed like this forever. Apparently, laying his forehead against Theo’s was his favourite thing in the world.

“You had to know I liked you…” Theo trailed off, as he run the back of his hand against Liam’s cheek.

Liam’s mouth twisted into a grimace against his will.

“Yeah no, I didn’t.” He could not help thinking back to every time he’d seen Theo hook up with somebody, and to the jealous feelings it all had stirred in his stomach.

“You didn’t?” Theo seemed truly surprised. “I thought…I thought I had scared you off because you caught up on my crush on you and you felt threatened because you were straight or-” Theo trailed off and Liam swore he could see something like a tiny veiled hint of pain in the boy’s eyes. “I thought it was pretty obvious.” Theo lifted his eyes to look into Liam’s. “I also thought that I would get over it if I just found somebody else to- but that didn’t work.”

Liam didn’t know what to say. He was just starting to understand just how much his behaviour had impacted Theo. Of course, he already knew that his badly addressed jealousy had caused Theo some trouble, but if you added feelings to that…

Liam rubbed his nose against Theo.

“I only knew what I felt.” Liam whispered. “Which was mostly jealousy, even if I didn’t know that at first.” He paused for a little while. “I’m sorry it all came out wrong and it hurt you.”

Theo kissed him once again, slowly. He rubbed his own nose against Liam’s after he draw away. “It’s okay, it’s not your fault.” Theo. whispered.

Liam tightened the grip around Theo’s waist. Theo squeezed back.

“We’re here now.”

Liam knew they would have to speak about it again, to go ever their feelings and repair what damage they had caused to each other. He knew that their discussion about the whole thing needed to be far more in depth, and that it would take them some time to settle down and figure things out. But for now, he was happy to listen to Theo. To kiss him back and enjoy the moment. To breathe him in and let the bubbly feeling in his stomach spread through his body and reach his face in the form of a smile he would have not been able to suppress even if he wanted to.

Epilogue

From: Mason

22:04

what’s up? everything okay??

22:35

Liam????

22:46

you better have a good excuse fo r texting me on panic mode and then ghosting me

09:25

whatever it’s fine, Corey went by your room this morning and he said he wish he hadn’t

09:25

the walls aren’t as thick as I wish they were * throwing up emoji*

09:26

but get it man, we’re happy for you, it was about time *emoji of champagne bottles being popped open*

09:26

*I am happy, Corey says you owe him money for a therapy session

Liam put down his phone and covered the smile spreading on his face by burying it between Theo’s shoulders blades. He’d deal with his noisy friends later. For now, he just wanted to lie with Theo for a while longer.