Work Text:
wanderlust
a strong desire to travel.
When Calum Hood was just a little kid, he’d never even dreamt of leaving home – because why would he? He had train-patterned wallpaper and a soft blue carpet and a cool Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles duvet cover. Calum had a train set and a CD player that looked a lot like a waffle iron and a new set of felt-tip pens where even the red one worked and, in a five year old Calum’s opinion, that was everything he would ever need in life.
Calum met Michael Clifford on the first day of Year One. He remembers fluffy blond hair and large green eyes and the sort of naughty expression that spelt out trouble. Calum remembers Michael asking to partner with him in science and how they messed around the whole time and, even though Mrs Bryant told Calum’s mummy, he didn’t mind because Michael gave him half of his Smarties after school and told him he was his best friend, and Calum remembers how light his heart felt at hearing those words, like he was free, a bird flying through the sky.
By the time Calum was eight years old, he and Michael were inseparable. They slept over at each other’s houses every Friday night and Michael’s bedroom might have been cool but it didn’t have a Star Wars poster on the wall, and Calum thought that was something that every boy should have. (Calum remembers when he showed Michael Episode IV of Star Wars and, even though the older boy pretended not to be scared of Darth Vader, he still squeezed Calum’s hand really tightly and left little crescent-moon shapes in Calum’s palm because of his nails, and Calum remembers how he didn’t mind in the slightest because Michael held his hand for over an hour and his hand felt soft and nice and Calum liked it, even if he was too young to understand why.)
Calum remembers the argument he had with Michael when they were both twelve. He remembers what it was about. He remembers the way Luke Hemmings’ face crumpled when Michael came out to lunch and saw them sitting together. He remembers how Michael looked so betrayed and how he wouldn’t come back to Calum for weeks because he hated Luke so much, even though he wouldn’t say why, and Calum remembers how much that hurt, because it was the first time he ever wanted to leave home and escape everything.
Sure, Calum loves his parents and his older sister, loves them to pieces in fact – even if Calum will never understand that phrase – but he loves Michael in a different way. Calum can’t really explain it. He only knows that whenever he goes away on school trips and doesn’t see his family, he misses them, sure, but it doesn’t hurt. It isn’t like a physical pain in his chest that steals his breath and makes breathing difficult.
That’s how it feels when he isn’t with Michael.
So Calum had stayed in his room all the time that Michael wouldn’t come near him, simply stared at the ceiling and tried to love his bedroom like he had as a little kid but it was too hard now – his crappy old CD player had been replaced with a Walkman the size of Calum’s thumb and his felt-tip pens had long since run out and the train-patterned wallpaper on his bedroom walls was peeling and Calum needed to get out.
Calum got his first mobile phone when he was fourteen and the very first text he ever got was from Michael. It said: ‘Oi penis. Arcade?’ and it’s stupid but Calum will never forget that text because that was the day when Calum beat Michael at this stupid zombie shooting thing and Michael said: “No husband of mine shall beat me at a video game!” and Calum said: “I’m not your husband” and Michael mumbled something that sounded a lot like: “No, not yet.”
When Calum was fifteen, Michael decided he would forgive Luke Hemmings – for what, he wouldn’t say, but Calum is still pretty sure it’s because of that one lunch time back when they were twelve because Michael was jealous of the youngest boy.
They start playing instruments and listening to punk rock, and Calum learns to play bass and Michael plays his guitar. Calum remembers when a video the three uploaded to Luke’s YouTube channel got over four hundred likes and he remembers the ecstasy he felt for weeks afterwards and he remembers how they got a gig in a shitty old pub no one had ever heard of before and how fucking good it felt to play their music in front of an audience, how damn liberating it felt… like flying.
Calum remembers when they met sunny Ashton Irwin because they needed a drummer and how Michael was sitting in Maths beside Calum and he let out this almighty yelp and got shouted at by the teacher but it was all because he had thought of the name for their band - 5 Seconds of Summer – and Calum remembers giving Michael’s hand this excited squeeze and the way Michael didn’t let go for the rest of the lesson and how Calum’s heart was thundering in his throat the whole time.
Calum remembers the day he was staying over at Michael’s just like always and his best friend wasn’t talking and it was too quiet and the silence seemed tense and Calum was scared because Michael had shouted at him that day – really, properly shouted at him – and Calum didn’t know what was wrong.
He remembers when he saw the cuts crisscrossing on Michael’s wrists and how he helped Michael clean them because his mum had cleaned his knees as a kid and she’d always pressed kisses to his cuts and grazes then, so Calum did the same thing to Michael and he wasn’t expecting his best friend to start crying and Michael whispered that he was useless and pathetic, and Calum couldn’t believe how wrong he was because there weren’t words to describe the wonder that was Calum Hood’s best friend.
Calum remembers when he and Michael were sixteen and they ‘practised kissing’ because they were both scared of admitting their feelings, and he remembers how Michael’s hand felt in his as a kid, the warmth of the thin skin of his scarred wrists against Calum’s lips, and a warmth in Calum’s chest bubbles up, spreading through every part of him until it’s all Calum can feel inside and when he gasps out an: “Oh god I think I love you, Mikey”, he isn’t expecting a declaration of love in return, but it’s what he gets.
Calum learnt a long time ago not to expect anything of Michael Clifford. He almost always did the complete opposite.
Like the time in a nightclub they’d managed to sneak into when they were both seventeen. Calum remembers it in high definition – he remembers the way Michael dragged him into the toilets and slowly sunk down to his knees and the way his hot mouth closed around Calum and fuck, the heat and warmth and feel of him was like a prayer and Calum had never been remotely religious but he prayed to god then that Michael would never leave him because Calum didn’t think he could survive the pain of losing something he loved that much.
When their band got big, Calum remembers how things got a lot harder.
Calum and Michael were in love, for sure, but their management wasn’t so laid back that the boys were able to come out yet, not when it might jeopardise their chances – and didn’t that infuriate Calum more than anything in the world?! Because it shouldn’t even have been a fucking problem, damnit!
Calum remembers Michael’s placating words, and he remembers Ashton and Luke’s sad smiles and the way they held each other’s hands tightly, and Calum felt abruptly selfish then and he tried to forget the pain of not being able to touch Michael, to kiss him because someone might see… to love him because it might end everything if people knew.
Calum remembers how dark that first year of touring was, compares it to that year when he was twelve and Michael didn’t want to be with him and Calum felt like his whole world was ending and how he just wanted to get out but now Calum was out and he just wanted to be back home again, where he didn’t have to love Michael in secret.
Calum remembers when he got his first tattoo – a bird because it was how Michael made him feel – and he remembers how he gripped Michael’s hand tightly and swore under his breath and how his pink-haired soulmate laughed softly and dropped a kiss onto the top of his head, and how someone managed to get it on video and posted it to YouTube where it went viral within hours.
Calum remembers not caring.
Because Calum and Michael were in love, and Ashton and Luke knew how they felt and they knew they had each other and they would all be okay and they’d talked about this before, all of them tipsily discussing that the four of them would always come first, that their band was nowhere near as important as their love, and Calum remembers how they lost sight of that at first, but how maybe they’re all back on track now, and that things might be okay.
Calum remembers a drunken discussion he had with Michael one night about homesickness. Calum remembers being unable to understand why Michael doesn’t miss home when he loves his mother so much but Michael wouldn’t explain himself and Calum remembers being irritated about that until he gets a text late that night that tells him everything he needs to know.
‘Dude when I’m with you I just get good vibes. Like I’m comfortable around you.
You’re like home.’
Calum remembers the day he told Michael he loved him and meant it with every fibre of his being, because he was just a child before and didn’t understand wholly what the word meant. Calum remembers the way Michael’s beautiful eyes filled with tears and Calum remembers the touch of his lips and the warmth of his mouth and the way their tears mingled on their cheeks as they became one.
Calum remembers what Michael said at the arcade when they were kids and he knows then that he has a very different sort of wanderlust, because Calum never wants to leave his home, damnit, but it just so happens that his home isn’t Sydney.
His home is Michael Clifford.
And, for him, Calum knows he would go anywhere.