Chapter Text
It felt traitorous.
It felt like infidelity.
It felt wrong.
Steve was happy. He was happier than he's ever been. He knew that. How could he not be? He woke up everyday with a beautiful woman snuggled in his arms, cheek resting on his chest. He spent day and night with someone he loved, someone who loved him, living life to the fullest when he wasn't on missions. You two had adopted a dog, Lincoln, planned for the future, had a ring on your left hand, discussed kids and yet this happiness felt like betrayal.
That somehow he was betraying Peggy even when she herself had lived on and had a life of her own without him. Even when she grew to love someone else, had kids with him and grew old with him. Steve felt as if he was disrespecting what he and Peggy had- the first woman who had spared him a glance and saw passed muscles and brawn and saw the skinny kid from Brooklyn for who he was- by being this happy.
It bothered him to no end but he'd push those thoughts to the back of his head because hell, they'd missed their chance long ago and there was no point in dwelling on what ifs. On lost chances you can never get back.
Until there was.
Steve loved you. He felt it in his bones. That all consuming, fiery love that was so passionate it burned through every fiber of his being. Every touch ignited flames of passion, every kiss dragged him deeper and deeper in love with you in a bottomless ocean. The way he loved you was fierce. So fierce it worried him. It was impossible to love someone like he loved you and yet here he was. So irrevocably in love with you.
But this was Peggy.
Peggy, the woman who looked his way when no other dame did.
Peggy, who believed in him when the world doubted him.
Peggy, in the pretty red dress with matching red lips.
Peggy, the first woman he loved.
Peggy, the woman he'd lost to time.
Seeing her again when trying to get the stones back hit him hard. Seeing her in the flesh so young and beautiful like the last time he saw her before going in the ice had him reeling in on the possibilities they could've had. The life they could've lived together.
The life he’d lost when he sacrificed himself by bringing the ship down.
The life she lived with another.
And as the fight with Thanos dragged on, and Tony's words about living his life rang in his ears, he'd made up his mind. It was rash, sudden, definitely reckless, impulsive and hasty but he had made his decision. The time he’d lost was in his reach.
He knew he would be turning his back on the team.
He knew it meant losing his place in the Avengers.
He knew it meant losing you.
And yet when he stood there on the platform, stones in the case and hammer by his side, he had met your unsuspecting gaze, knowing this would be the last time he would see those pretty eyes of yours. Knowing that when he stayed behind, he would've erased what you two had; erased himself from your life and future because Steve Rogers would have never met (Y/N) (L/N) and you would never have fallen in love with him.
There would never be any more lingering touches, chaste kisses, waking up beside you, slow dancing in the living room after pushing all the furniture out the way, no hot chocolate in front of the fire place, no more Lincoln, no more engagement, no more future Mrs. (Y/N) Rogers-
He would be nothing more than Captain America to you.
As you smile at him, waving a little with eyes unknowing of the betrayal he was about to commit, he forced himself not to blink. This would be the last time he'd see the love in your eyes.
He pretended as if it didn't break his heart.
-
The first thing Steve did after returning the stones was find Peggy in her townhouse.
They had their dance.
He tried not to think of the people he left behind.
-
They bought a house together a year later.
It was completed with a white picket fence, a large backyard and a patio. It was the whole shebang he always wanted and yet he felt that sinking feeling something was missing.
He tended to ignore that, fearing what he would find and realize if he delved into it.
Steve was a little surprised when Peggy announced she wanted him to retire and resort to desk work. It wasn't like her, but she'd explained that almost losing him to the plane crash and having him back made her realize how grave the risks of sending him to missions were.
But the world needs Captain America, Peg.
And they can have him but behind a desk training other recruits.The world was not ready to lose you, Steve. When we did- it was bad. You are the symbol of hope. What happens when we lose you again?
He relented, agreeing it was for the best even when he felt a little reluctant to let go of the shield. He knew you would never have asked him of this. Once, he brought it up when the topic of kids came about and you gave him a look, sighed, rested your head on his chest and said, I do need Steve Rogers, but so does the rest of the world. Just make sure you come home after.
You would've throttled him if he ever thought to even ask you to stop.
Steve felt himself stiffen when a small smile crossed his face at the thought of you.
He held Peggy tighter that night.
-
Steve had tried looking for Bucky.
He tried using his knowledge from the future to help locate him, but Hydra got word of Captain America's return and immediately switched locations. Locations that weren’t in any of the listed ones Steve knew. Thus, Steve began weeding out possible undercover Hydra agents within the beginnings of SHIELD.
His return had sparked huge attention. Celebrations were held, parties reached all over the country. He got to meet the Commandos again and of course, he met with Howard. After knowing the relationship between Tony and his father, Steve had gotten a little more harder around the man.
It was hard to forget how bad their relationship was.
And how was he supposed to look him in the eye when in his original time, his best friend had killed him and his wife? Knowing these things were a curse. It was true yet untrue.
It did happen but it also didn’t.
Howard's tech was incredible, there was no doubt about it, but he was no Anthony Stark. The search for Bucky was long and tedious, often having dead ends.
He never found Bucky until many years later.
Time had gone by.
Days became weeks and weeks became months and months became years.
Peggy and Steve had two kids together.
One boy and one girl.
When their kids were born, Steve never felt love so deep so quickly. And for some time, when his first born, his son, was brought to life, Steve almost forgot about that void in his heart. It almost made him forget.
Henry James Rogers was his eldest.
Then, two years after him, they had a daughter.
(Your first name) Rogers.
Peggy had asked Steve what he wanted to name their child if she was a girl when she was four months along. Steve had been laying beside her, stroking her belly when your name slipped from his lips. It made him freeze up. He could feel the start of a panic attack happening but he forced himself through it.
It was the first time he’d said your name since leaving.
He didn't think about it. Didn't think about how wrong that was and how entirely fucked up it was- naming your child after the woman you love loved but left behind.
The woman your wife didn't know about.
Or at least thats what he thought.
But Peggy was always sharp.
She was no fool.
She knew Steve had been through a lot in the future, that he had spent quite some time there and even without him saying it, she knew Steve had met someone else. Someone he still thought about when they laid together at night and she would wake up to see him staring at the watch by his bedside, eyes a little glassy and nostalgic. Like some pleasant memory was playing before his eyes that he wished he could touch or go back to, but couldn’t.
It hurt to know someone else had his heart.
So she never asked.
She didn’t ask for a name or how she looked like. She didn’t give Steve any hint of her knowing about this mystery woman. She blissfully played ignorance to the lost love in Steve's heart until now. Because the moment Steve had uttered that name for their daughter, she knew it was hers. The way Steve had breathed it out, the way his eyes had gone a little hazy from his thoughts- no doubt from thinking about (y/n).
So she bit down on her lip, hummed her approval and once again, played ignorance even when her heart had ached.
She didn't want to think about you. About what you and Steve had gone through. What you and him had. She didn’t want to compare the love she had with Steve and the love you had with him in fear that maybe, one outweighed the other.
All she knew was that you were pretty darned special. That you were so important, Steve wanted to name his daughter after you.
That she was important enough to take what was once Peggy's place, but he was here wasn't he? He chose her. That meant something. And that something put her worries and heartache to rest. Or as close to rest as it could be.
So Peggy would go back to sleep, pretend she didn't see the tear that would trail down his cheek all because he chose her in the end.
Because in the end of the day, that had to be enough.
-
Steve never stopped his search for Bucky.
He was growing agitated but eventually, he did find him. He found him in cryo but he couldn’t take him out. Not yet. The technology wasn’t there to help him. If Steve pulled Bucky out right now, he was certain the soldier would greet him and not the neighborhood punk he’d known since childhood.
So he waited.
And waited.
He waited until he was already old and gray when technology was at its finest.
Unlike in the original timeline, Steve became Tony’s uncle. It was sad in a way. The first time he held Tony’s little, frail body when he was born, memories of their friendship played in his head. All those jokes and fights but overall comradeship he had with the boy was gone. He would never have a place by his side in the way he once did.
That type of brotherhood was gone.
In the end, Howard and Maria still pass. Maria got sick. Howard worked himself to death. Tony still had Jarvis, but now he had Steve too. He watched him grow up, making some of the same mistakes he once did but also avoided the others. Steve made sure Stane was caught before he had the chance to hurt Tony.
But still, iron man emerged from the ground.
It’s funny to think about. Avoiding the circumstance that led him to becoming iron man had no effect. Destiny still found it’s way. Eventually, Tony manages to invent something to help with Bucky’s scrambled mind. The process is long, but it works.
Steve had his best friend back.
Steve was older and lost his youth, but that was fine. Bucky was fine.
And things were finally starting to look complete.
-
It was inevitable.
There was no going around it.
That one day, it would catch up to him.
That one day, he’d have to face the music.
That one day, you would return.
It had been casual. Unexpected.
Steve was at home, reading the paper as he wondered when his son and daughter would visit with their respective spouses and kids when Peggy brought it up. Her back was turned from him, her hands under the sink as she washed some dishes. Soap suds trickled down her forearms.
“There’s this new recruit we found. She’s young, inexperienced but she has a lot of promise. A good heart. A good kid.”
Steve didn’t look away from the sentence he was reading and gave a noncommittal hum as he turned over the next page,
“That so?”
“Yes, I’m sure one day she’ll become one of our finest agents. I believe she's going to be transferred to Bucky’s group. (L/N), (F/N) (L/M).”
Steve felt his blood grow cold.
His heart pounded against this chest, his ears ringing with the rush of his blood. No, no this wasn't right. You weren’t supposed to come yet. You were stationed in Europe undercover until two years from now. He panicked inside, wondering what the hell this meant. What you arriving this early meant.
Having changed things, it was only natural there would be a domino effect. Steve just didn’t think you’d be involved in that too. Blue eyes lift from the page to his wife who was still turned from him,
“She’s amazing, Steve.”
Yeah.
He thinks.
I know.
-
It’s been a year since Bucky was out of the ice and his mind was finally his again. It’s been a year since you transferred here in New York. Steve never gathered the courage to look for you. He knew exactly where you were, what time you had training, who was training you; but he never went out there to see for himself. He had the desire to- God, did he ever- but he wasn’t ready. He wasn’t ready to see your pretty face and have all those memories crush into him. He wasn’t ready to see your youthful smile and realize he'd long lost his youth.
To remember that his frail, bony hands could no longer hold your soft, smaller ones. That his smaller, weaker, hunched frame could never stand along your lithe, strong one.
He can’t stand to see you again.
Not because he doesn't want to see you but because he doesn't want to see the lack of love in your eyes. To see no hint of recognition, maybe a little curiosity at meeting someone knew, but nothing like the way you used to look at him. He doesn't want to see you and finally see for himself that all those memories you had with one another are lost to you.
That the only one who knew what you two were to each other was him.
So he hid away, the coward that he is, and lived life as if he wasn’t dying to see you one last time.
As if he didn’t feel the ghost of your lips at night.
-
He finds out six months later.
He wasn't prepared, not that he would ever be.
There was nothing leading up to it. No suspenseful music in the background. It was simply put out there as the matter of fact. Bucky didn’t know, hell no one did, but when he came over for dinner and they were all sat around the table eating the meatloaf Peggy had made, he said it so bluntly it hurt.
He said it so casually because he had no idea.
He had no idea how these eight words made the ground beneath Steve tear open and swallow him whole. He had no idea how these eight words wrapped around Steve’s neck and strangled the life of him. He had no idea how these eight words made Steve momentarily hate his best friend.
Steve had been choked silent.
He only stared at Bucky who had been happily munching on his food, waiting for the “just kidding” he knew deep inside that wasn’t going to come.
“I’ve been seeing someone. Her name is (Y/N).”
Steve shouldn't have been surprised. He should’ve seen it coming. Realistically, he knew that one day you would find someone to hold a place in your heart. That one day the spot Steve used to take up would be occupied by someone else. By this nameless man Steve undoubtedly hated.
But he could live with that.
Steve would be hurt and heartbroken over what you could’ve had but he would be okay since he would never have to see it. He’d never have to see you start your life with someone else. He’d never have to see you get engaged, get married, have kids.
Steve would never have to watch you live the life you two had once planned together with someone else.
But this? This changed everything.
This was cruel.
If God was up there, stringing them along and making plans, this was the ultimate punishment. Because not only were you moving on in your life without him, you were moving on with his best friend.
It makes Steve wonder.
If his you met Bucky first, would you and Steve never have fallen in love?
It hurts to think about, but you would have, wouldn’t you?
“Oh, Bucky. I’m so happy for you. She’s a wonderful girl.”
Peggy’s delighted voice breaks Steve out of his thoughts.
He clears his throat, blinking away the sheet of tears in his eyes before Peggy and Buck could notice and plasters on a smile,
“I’m happy for you pal.”
He had never been so good at lying until now.
-
He was great at it.
Avoiding you, that is.
Bucky had tried to get him to meet you, but Steve always managed to swerve around it. Bucky didn't seem to notice. But no matter how many times he manages to weasel himself out of it, it doesn't change a thing.It doesn’t change the fact you two were going strong. That you two were officially together for two years now.
Part of him, the spiteful, resentful part, hoped you two would break it off at one point. And he hated himself for it. He hated the part of him that wished such a misfortune on you two.
He hated the jealousy coursing through him even after decades.
He hated his selfishness.
God couldnt be this cruel to him, could he? He couldn’t be so cruel to make him watch you fall deeper and deeper in love.
The answer was yes.
He could.
But he supposes it really isn’t all his fault.
Steve was the one who made the choice in the end, after all.
He was the one who made up his mind, who pressed the button and decided to stay. He was the one who decided to leave you.
So he can't blame anyone else but himself.
But he does so anyway.
It hurt way less when he did.
-
Steve fussed at his suit cuffs.
The Avengers still form without him. The group is mostly the same. Thor is sitting beside Jane Foster and her quirky assistant, Darcy Lewis. Tony is sitting in the front row with Morgan and Pepper beside him. Natasha and Bruce are there, hands intertwined with pleased smiles on their faces. Clint is on the other side with Laura and the kids and Sam, well Sam is beside him with Bucky.
It makes him a little reminiscent.
His team was here yet they knew him as Captain Rogers. Not Capsicle, Old man, not even as Steve. If he had cussed out loud, there wouldn’t be an onslaught of teasing Language’s chorusing after him. There’s nothing that cemented them together. No reason as to why they would get close. Tony was like his nephew, sure, but the others saw him as another agent. Sam, his once close friend, gives him polite nods and smiles but that’s all there is.
He swallows, straightening up when the piano changes tune.
The music plays on, filling his ears as everyone watches the doors pull open. He had to remind himself to breathe because finally, when he finally sees you again, you’re wearing a pretty white dress with a matching veil over your face. Your gown is lace, cinched at the waist, your hair done up and pretty and the bouquet in your hands are a mix of white buttercup flowers and lily’s.
You’re breathtaking.
A true sight to behold.
As he stands there beside Bucky whose gone misty eyed and discretely wiping away his tears at the sight of you, Steve allows himself this moment to imagine. In his head, he’s young again. He’s wearing a black tux, Bucky and Sam by his side as he stands in Bucky’s place right now.
He waits, watches and marvels at the sight of you.
He waits as you walk to him, your father leading you.
You would smile at him, cheeky and gleeful and he would have no choice but to smile back because you were just so gorgeous, so beautiful, so his. He’d breathe in when you’re only a few steps away, hold his hand out and feel that thrill run up his spine when you put your hand in his. The two of you would be lost for a moment. So lost in each other that you forget everyone was there and the world would just fall at your feet.
Then he opens his eyes.
You are walking, but not toward him.
You walk right by him and to your fiancé.
Bucky stands there, a blinding smile in place as your father gives you away to the groom. Steve reminds himself not to break. Not to lose the strength and walk away. He holds himself still, eyes greedily taking you in as you two say your vows. And when the priest asks if anyone would object, Steve has to reel himself in because who was he to interfere?
Who was he other than the man who gave you up- gave this up?
So he stood there, his sorrows drowned out by the sound of hoots and cheers when Bucky finally clasps your face between his hands and kisses you. It’s the kiss of a lifetime. The kiss that says goodbye and hello. Goodbye to (Y/N) (L/N) and hello to (Y/N) Barnes. Its heartbreakingly beautiful.
You smile into his kiss, eyes fluttering shut as you giggle.
Steve’s heart breaks in half but yours is so full you never notice.
-
That night, Steve cries in his sleep.
Peggy holds him tight.
-
The next morning as they ate cereal in silence, she finally asks,
“It’s her, isn't it?”
Steve froze for a second, looked her in the eyes before nodding,
“Yes.”
-
He loses Peggy a year later.
-
The next time he sees you is when James is born. Little James was brought to the world at seven pounds, crying and screaming into the sky, small fists and legs kicking up. Steve had to hold himself up when he saw him.
So small, so beautiful.
A mini version of you with your hair color.
He felt himself yearn, wonder what your child would’ve looked like. How many children you two would've had. He didnt regret having his children, he only regretted never having the chance to have yours. His imagination could only go so far. He tried to picture it: you laying there as he stroked your hair back, the both of you amazed at the sight of your baby nestled at your chest.
His chest ached.
It was only when you fell asleep in the hospital bed that Steve finally got to hold baby James. Bucky needed to go to the bathroom and asked Steve to hold his son for a little. Steve looked down at the unsuspecting baby, eyes tearing at the miracle in his arms.
Half of you and half of Bucky.
He was so small in his arms, so warm and calm.
Steve wondered how it was possible to hate and love someone so much.
Hate how this child was living, breathing proof of your love.
And yet he can’t hate this child entirely. Not when he had your face. Not when he was the son of his best friend.
Steve chuckled wetly, tracing the baby’s plump cheek,
“-orry,”
He whispered into the silence,
“I’m so sorry.”
He wasn’t sure if he was talking to the baby who was caught in the crossfire or Bucky, who didn’t know he was in love with his wife. He wasn't sure if he was talking to you, who still slept soundly, for abandoning you. Abandoning your future. Or if he was talking to himself, for torturing himself with the what ifs.
The what if he didn’t leave.
The what if you two had gotten married.
The what if you two had kids.
He couldn’t do anything more than mourn for it. Mourn for the lost chance.
And as you laid there, sleeping your exhaustion away, he smiles when you wrinkle your nose the way you always did when you fell asleep beside him. It hurts knowing so much about a person who doesn’t know you. It hurts, knowing how it was to be loved by you and never having it again.
So he mourns until his last breath.
Mourns for Bucky.
Mourns for you.
Mourns for him.
Mourns for what could’ve been.