Chapter Text
When Kairi came through the door, Riku knew something was wrong.
He knew, even before she rushed in. It had started the day before. The unsettling feeling of his heart beating and constricting inside his chest ached. It started slow, almost unnoticeable in the midst of the night, and it just grew. Something was strange. Odd. But he couldn’t quite put a finger on it.
At least, not until Kairi burst through the door, forehead sticky with sweat and her usually sun-tanned skin was pale white from fear, days before her and Sora’s mission was supposed to end. There was a lot of blood. Her blue eyes wide, hands shaking, and the simple word that left her lips was enough to shatter Riku’s entire world.
“Sora…” her voice was weak. Trembling hands gripping the frame of the door. And even if it was so small, easily missed, it resonated inside Riku’s head.
Dizziness overcame him, as all the blood in his face drained out. His throat closed up, and his body moved before his mind could catch up. Kairi barely had time to push herself out of the way, before he was running out of the room.
His mind was blank. The pounding of his heart banging loudly against his ears, as he watched the halls of the tower pass by.
It wasn’t until he reached the door of Sora’s room that he finally felt like he could breathe again.
The door was wide open. Sora’s frame resting against the window, staring outwards into the green garden and the multi-colored sky that shone above them. The breeze of starlight hit Sora’s face, as he closed his eyes to breathe in. The bed creaked underneath him, blankets sprawled out giving him an ethereal look that had Riku wanting to reach out more than anything else.
“Sora,” was all he could say. A whisper, a longing sigh. Inaudible amid the giant space that separated them
But it was enough to make Sora turn at him.
In his relief, Riku didn’t bother to wait for Sora’s response. He rushed to Sora’s side, ready to place hands around his shoulders, bring the smaller boy into a hug.
But before he could, Sora flinched.
Riku stopped dead on his tracks, watching the fear flicker behind Sora’s eyes. Hands were grasping the blankets, confusion, and helplessness drawn like a painting in his gaze.
The echo of footsteps, and Kairi’s voice calling for his name. It was distant, even if he knew she was likely just behind. His heart was dissonant; out of tune. Melodies felt out of place, as he stepped away.
“I’m sorry,” Sora said. It wasn’t real. It didn’t feel real. Against his ears, everything sounded strange. Dream-like, paralyzed in terror. Sora’s eyes shifted towards Kairi, recognition null as he continued. “...Who are you?”
“He lost his memories,” was Kairi’s response. It was as shaken as him. Broken. Wet sounds came rushing, hiccups of tears. “I-I…I don’t know how to fix it…It’s, it’s my fault I-…He tried to help me!”
Riku turned away from Sora, to stare at Kairi. Her battle wounds were severe, bruises and cuts all over her body. No doubt the result from having to defend a memory-less Sora from Heartless. Tears kept streaming down her face, guilt flooding as she tried to wipe them away. She couldn’t even stand up straight from the pain her heart and body were in.
“It’s not your fault,” he managed to say. It surprised him how shaky his voice came out. So strained and weak. “Come on, let’s get you treated.”
She nodded slowly, letting the tears drop from her face and unto the wooden floor. Riku helped her out of the room, unable to fully process the weight of the things that invaded his mind.
“I’m sorry,” Sora’s voice called, just before they left. “I really am.”
‘Don’t be,’ he wanted to say. Reassure his best friend that this wasn’t his fault. That this was okay. That they’d pull through this, just like they did everything before.
But he couldn’t. He was too scared his voice would betray him. So, he sent Sora a look, hoping he could communicate all that was left unsaid.
When all he was met with was perplexed confusion, helplessness settled in.
Sora had truly forgotten everything about them.
The sky stared back at Sora, as he watched the bird that flew around it in a hazed trance. The longer he stared at it, the more it felt wrong. But he couldn’t exactly tell how. Maybe it was the birds, they were different. From what? He closed his eyes, groaning lowly as he tried to remember. His mind reeled, reaching to grab on to the ends of-…anything. Anything at all that explained the uneasiness inside his chest, and the strange loneliness that invaded him as he stared at an unfamiliar sky.
But no matter how much he reached to touch the memories, they all flickered away, escaping him before he could recognize them.
Vaguely, he could remember…the beach. Laughter. Races towards something. An ocean so blue it shone like crystals underneath the sun. The sound of seagulls in the distance, intermixed with a laugh. A voice that called his name. The scent of salt mixed in with that of home.
Home?
He opened his eyes slowly, wondering what home smelt like.
Destiny Islands. The only name he could recall.
Everything else was washed like the figures in the sand, swallowed by waves. If you squinted, maybe you could make it out. The strange shape of something that used to be there. But just as you thought you recognized it, another wave came crashing, wiping it away forever.
There were voices outside his door. Hushed whispers from people he knows. Or at least, should know. But no matter how many times they introduced themselves, their names slipped past him.
“Found anything yet?”
“I’m so sorry, Riku…It’s like his memories…are locked?”
“They’re not gone?”
“No…I don’t think they are. They’re just…blocked from the rest of his chain of memories.”
“You can’t fix it?”
“I could try, but I highly doubt it…”
“Is there anything we can do to help?” another voice. A girl’s.
“…Maybe you could help him remember…”
“How? He doesn’t even recognize us, Namine!”
“Calm down, Kairi…He doesn’t recognize you because his core memories are locked.”
“Core memories?” a boy’s.
“His most precious memories,” she explained. “They’re linked to…everything! Unless he regains that…he won’t remember a thing.”
“Which are they?”
“I wouldn’t know…”
Core memories? They sounded important. Should he be worried he doesn’t have them?
People came and went inside his room. They joked and laughed as if they were old friends. They were probably. They introduced themselves and giggled when Sora had trouble remembering them. Sora tried his best to smile, joke around. But some comments went right over his head.
‘Can’t believe you forgot about me after carrying me around your heart for years!’
Everyone laughed. Except Sora. It felt lonely to miss out on the joke. It ached a bit if he was honest. But he tried his best not to let it show. Everyone was trying their hardest not to let their hurt show. They pretended they were okay when Sora asked for their names. They smiled when Sora asked questions about things he should already know the answer to.
They were all trying their hardest to hold themselves up.
Well, everyone except…
Kairi and Riku.
He thinks those are their names.
Kairi wouldn’t meet his eyes. Mostly, out of guilt. It flashed in her eyes whenever he tried to call her name. Face flushed, and ready to burst out in tears. They had told him they had been together when the mission went sour and he lost his memories.
“I think she blames herself,” Namine, the sweet girl who drew him pictures and peeled oranges in the afternoons, said.
“She shouldn’t,” Sora was quick to say. “It wasn’t anyone’s fault, right?”
“Yeah but…” her words wandered off. “I don’t think it’s a weight she’s going to let go of soon.”
Sora felt strange without Kairi. Seeing her in the distance, so sad and guilt-ridden. Most days, he wanted to call for her and talk. But if he tried, she just ran off.
Maybe seeing him caused her more pain?
He wished so badly that he remembered her.
But the weirdest part…was Riku.
He avoided him, just like Kairi did but…It was colder.
Every morning he tried to greet him, a wide smile and a heart full of hope. But every morning he got…A nod.
Yeah, it wasn’t bad. He wasn’t being mean, or anything. In fact, given that Sora didn’t know anything and was practically a stranger inhabiting the body of someone Riku probably cared for, it was probably for the best. The fact that he wasn’t being friendly towards Sora, shouldn’t be a surprise. It shouldn’t even be concerning but…
It still hurt.
More than Kairi actively running away from him. More than not watching Ventus’ face contort into fear when he couldn’t remember his name. Or Xion’s bittersweet smile when she gave him a seashell for good luck.
It was a pain unlike any other. Carved deep inside his chest, digging into his heart, break the seams that barely held it together.
Each time he reached out to grab Riku’s hand, he moved it away. Whenever he tried to chat up, he was only met with curt responses, and a dismissive ‘I need to go’.
Battering noises echoed inside his mind. Like an out of tune baritone, ringing inside and stressing him out more and more with each note.
Why was it so hard to breathe?
After his wounds had healed, Sora left the room on the top of the tower and the bed in which he had rested for the past few days. His memories were still missing, locked as Namine said. But with a bit of work, Sora remembered a few of the things. Perhaps the most basic and inconsequential ones. Like, where the bathroom was and Xion’s favorite type of seashell.
“He remembers them because they aren’t connected to his core memories,” Namine explained. “They’re memories that while not important, they’re worth remembering to him.”
It had taken Riku a while to grow used to it. Sora still seemed uneasy around contact from others. That had taken everyone a good while to grasp. Sora was a touchy person, who loved to be as close to his friends as he possibly could. Hugging and touching were just part of how he communicated. To suddenly see him so abrasive to contact was disconcerting. Wrong, even.
But after they all noticed how uncomfortable Sora was whenever Xion hugged him, or Ventus held his hand, they tried their best to stop it.
Riku himself was having a hard time doing it.
‘Riku! Hug!’
‘Stop it! I’m gonna fall!’
‘Nah, you’re strong enough to carry me, right?’
After so many years of growing used to having Sora in his personal bubble, it was hard to live in a world that didn’t allow it. That had him holding back whenever he wanted to tussle Sora’s messy hair and avoid letting his fingers linger on.
The only reason why he could control himself was the face Sora had made when Ventus hugged him out of nowhere.
His almost-brother, who had lived inside his heart for as long as he had existed. Someone Sora was supposed to trust…
Stiff shoulders, and widened eyes. His hands fidgeted, as he grimaced and avoided everyone’s eyes. Riku was quick to recognize the emotions that swirled inside Sora’s head as Ventus continued to babble on about missing him.
Sora was panicking.
Stressed out and confused, unknowing who the person before him was and what they were doing. It was a feeling Riku had rarely seen flashing through chocolate eyes. He reacted before Sora even opened his mouth to reply.
“Stop it,” Riku said. “You’re scaring him.”
He pulled Ventus away from Sora with one hand. Ventus blinked, confused before he realized what Riku meant. The shock that followed was understandable.
“I’m sorry!” Ventus exclaimed quickly. “I-It’s just, I-I’m so used to it that I forgot…”
Sora reassured him it was okay. For a second, Riku thought Sora muttered out a ‘thank you’, but it was probably a trick of light in his eyes.
They didn’t let him go on a mission. Part of it was Kairi, who had always been emotionally overprotective over Sora, but with the recent turn of events her worry had maxed out. Not that anyone could fault her for it, though.
“What if he gets hurt?” she would ask, scratching her hands in worry. “What if he loses more memories? What if he doesn’t remember how to use the Keyblade and they attack him? We can’t let him go on missions! They’re dangerous!”
Namine, Xion, and Ventus tried to calm her down, assuring them that only Sora’s memories were lost. He was still as powerful as always, and even muscle memory would help him if he got into a pinch.
But the other part of why they still didn’t let him go on a mission, was Riku himself, who agreed with Kairi wholeheartedly. And while the others still thought they were worrying a bit too much, they weren’t able to persuade either.
While Riku didn’t voice his worries, everyone knew them. Just in the way his eyes lingered a bit too long on Sora’s frame when the boy stared out the window of his room. Or how he avoided his touch, in fear of scaring him.
It was his silent way of worrying. Of taking care of the one person that mattered the most to him.
Usually, it would be Kairi the one to snap him out. To tell him to stop worrying and talk to Sora. But the situation they were in…
For the looks of it, that wouldn’t be happening anytime soon.
The only thing left for was…
“Did anyone tell Roxas?” Xion asked one day, as she looked up from her cup.
“Weren’t you supposed to tell him?” Ventus asked, blinking.
“I was busy!”
“I’ll call him,” Namine said.
“I owe you,” Xion said.
Sora sat outside the tower, by a garden that grew out of the sight of most eyes. From his tower, he had been able to see it. For some reason, no one else was there. He wondered why that was. Did they not like the garden, or were they avoiding him?
The wind carried the scent of the flower across the air. The bright sky, colored in hues of blue and purple shone. The peacefulness of a moment stuck in time. It was perfectly perfect, as one would say. But it was quiet.
Lately, everything was quiet.
And while Sora didn’t remember, everything else did. He knew, almost unconsciously, that the tower wasn’t supposed to be so quiet. It should be brimming with energy. Filled with so many sounds no one could keep up. What those sounds were, eluded him but…
The quiet just didn’t seem right.
At least, the garden was supposed to be quiet. It reassured him that this part sounded what it was supposed to sound. Although it made him wonder, what made this place so different from the rest.
He went to pick up a flower. A beautiful rose that bloomed in the middle of gardenias and violets. The urge to start plucking the petals overcame him. Sora guessed it was muscle memory. A lot of things he hadn’t known he could do, came out that way. They told him they were things he did so many times they had been engraved in him.
Plucking petals was? No matter how deep inside his memory he searched, no flower came inside his mind. Not even the vaguest hint, or the smallest detail. That was strange. He’d managed to at least remember glimpses of other muscle memory related stuff. Why couldn’t he remember this one?
‘Your core memories are the most damaged,’ Namine’s voice said inside his head. ‘If you can’t remember something, maybe it’s because it’s connected to them closely.’
“Core memories, huh?” Sora watched as the wind moved the petals back and forth. His grip slipped, and the small flower was carried away. “Wait!”
The flower stumbled upwards, out of reach. Sora stood up, in a poor attempt to grab it one last time. But it’s stem was too thin for him to grasp. It floated, drifting away.
He was left empty-handed, in the middle of the small garden.
“…Don’t go…” he whispered. “I need you.”
No answer came. The only thing he was left with was rush of the wind against his ears and the sight of a clear unbound sky above him.
At least, until a scream tore him out of his daydreams.
“Sora!”
He turned towards the voice, just in time to be tackled to the ground. Sora stumbled backward, eyes wide, feeling the weight of the person on his entire body. It was warm. The feeling of arms wrapped themselves around his neck, bringing him into a hug was strange. But not unwelcomed.
“What happened?! Are you hurt?! I came as soon as I could and-!”
This someone looked like Ventus. At least, at first glance. But Sora’s heart knew it wasn’t him because he couldn’t bring himself to call him that. Instead, he asked.
“Who are you?”
The boy pulled away and stared back at Sora. Blue eyes blinked, glittering almost like the sea he longed to be in. It wasn’t Ventus. Ventus had green eyes…
But they were familiar still. Unafraid, unconcerned.
“I’m Roxas,” the boy said. “You don’t remember?”
Sora shook his head, in utter confusion. The ‘I’m sorry’ was in the tip of his tongue, as he had grown used to saying for the past days. Ready to stare into weeping eyes and forced smile.
A laugh.
Roxas was laughing. Dandelion laugh, scattering through the air, bright and yellow. The sound alone was so peaceful and full of light, that Sora’s body relaxed before he noticed. It was loud. Sound. Noise. Almost music.
Suddenly, the touch against his skin was welcomed. He didn’t feel lonely anymore.
“Oh man, how ironic,” Roxas said through huffed breaths. “At least now you know how it feels!”
The boy brought their bodies closer, hugging Sora tighter. Overwhelmed by the tumbling emotions inside his chest, Sora returned it. This closeness. This warmth. It soothed a strange ache in his heart he hadn’t know was hurting.
When they separated though, Sora was left with the feeling that it wasn’t enough. Roxas stared at him and smiled.
“So,” Roxas asked. “How are you holding up?”
It was a kind question, said with kind eyes.
The dam inside of Sora burst open.
“Roxas…” Sora said, voice breaking. “R-Roxas…”
He couldn’t remember a thing, so why was he crying? All he knew, was that everything inside hurt. The tears wouldn’t stop, no matter how much he tried to wipe them away. Heavy and hot, crystal tears rolled down his cheeks, as he sobbed in the middle of the small garden.
Roxas gave him a soft smile. A hand went to the top of his head, petting it softly.
“I know,” he said. “Come here, you big cry baby.”
Sora wailed, arms going back to hug Roxas, unsure of how to stop crying. How to stop everything from hurting so much. He felt guilty for dirtying Roxas shirt. It was covered with tears and dirt, but it’s not like he could stop.
The void in his heart, that empty space that had appeared since he woke up…It just seemed to grow with every second.
The agonizing way his heart was being torn apart, was making him lose his mind. Slowly ripping away, tearing through the seams, breaking. It all burnt inside, eating him away.
He felt incomplete. Broken.
Alone.