Work Text:
Nicky felt like cheering from the backseat as they headed towards Eden's Twilight. Of course he didn't, Andrew's patience was better now than it had ever been but random cheering while he was driving would not be tolerated. He and Neil looked almost peaceful in the front seats, while Aaron texted Katelyn next to him and Kevin made comments about the night ahead.
Neil had finally said he wanted to get drunk in public, properly drunk, just to see what it felt like to do properly, but he would only do it around Andrew and the rest of them. Nicky didn't know what he was more thrilled by, the fact Neil trusted them enough to get drunk around them or the fact he was going to see drunk Neil in public. Maybe he would be like Nicky when he was drunk around Erik. Maybe he would even dance.
The thought of Neil hanging on Andrew's shoulder and talking about how pretty he was made Nicky bite his tongue to stop himself from laughing. Aaron gave him a weirded out look but didn't question him.
When they were inside the club, Andrew parking the car, Nicky immediately ordered several shots of vodka and swatted Kevin's hand away when he reached for one. "Drink up!" He sang as he placed the tray in front of Neil.
Neil eyed it dubiously. "I wanted to get drunk, not get alcohol poisoning." But he reached for the first shot all the same.
"No, no, you start off fast and then you can slow down and just enjoy the buzz." Nicky grinned as Neil gave him another look but he finished the tray of shots anyway. Andrew appeared just as Neil was finishing up and one eyebrow raised a fraction as he looked at the empty shot glasses in front of Neil, Aaron and Kevin's grumpy faces, and Nicky's excited one.
"Kevin, go and get drinks," Andrew ordered as he slid into the booth next to Neil. "Slow down with the drinking," he said to Neil, his voice noticeably softer if you were listening for it. Kevin muttered but seemed to see the wisdom of not letting Nicky getting another round of drinks and headed off to the bar.
Nicky decided to go and dance while he waited for the alcohol to kick in. He had wanted Neil to dance with him for ages and he hoped that drunk Neil would be up for it but until then there was a cute guy with a manbun making eyes at him from the dance floor. A good dancer but when Nicky turned him down for a blowjob in the bathroom, he got huffy and left.
"I miss Erik," he said to the table at large as he sat down. Aaron gave him a disgusted look which Nicky ignored with the ease of long practice. Instead, he eyed at Neil from the other side of the table. "Feeling tipsy yet? Want to dance?"
Neil gave him a queasy look but nodded and that was good enough for Nicky. He grabbed Neil's wrist and pulled him out of the booth. The other three watched them go.
Neil wasn't a very good dancer when it came down to it. He seemed like he was relaxing into it for a few seconds and then someone would bump him and he would stiffen up. Nicky danced closer and leaned in. "Relax!" he yelled over the music, only for Neil to jerk away from him and collide with someone else. Nicky held up a hand in silent apology and when he turned back around Neil was gone.
Half hour later, Nicky finally stumbled out of the crowd and saw Neil was clutching his drink at the table with Andrew watching him. Aaron and Kevin had disappeared somewhere. When Nicky sat down at the booth, Andrew barely glanced at him before saying.
"We're leaving."
Nicky gaped at his cousin. "But we just got here!" He turned to Neil, who was staring at the table as if it held all the secrets.
"Neil's not feeling well," Andrew said, his tone uncompromising. Nicky was about to protest but another look at Neil and he realised how green his friend looked.
"I'm fine," Neil said and that clinched it for Nicky. He sighed and started to work out whether he could get a shopping trip out of Neil's misplaced guilt. Neil got what he wanted but Nicky had a feeling that he wouldn't be getting drunk in public like this again, not if he felt bad enough that Andrew was drawing a halt to their night.
"We're keeping our drinking to Fox Tower then," Nicky said as Andrew left Neil with him to go and round up the others.
"You didn't put anything in my drink, did you?" Neil asked quietly and Nicky felt a streak of hurt bolt through him.
"Of course not!" A year ago there would have been no 'of course' about it, but Nicky tried not to think about that time. "It's just all hitting you at once." Neil nodded but he looked completely miserable. Nicky looked around. He was used to angry Neil, scared Neil and sarcastic Neil. But this quiet, pained character was a new person for him. Maybe Andrew was the only one who knew.
"They're on their way," Andrew said, appearing out of the crowd as if Nicky's thoughts had summoned him there. He pulled Neil out of the booth with no small amount of finesse. Nicky normally would say something but he was distracted by catching sight of what looked like Aaron making out with some girl who wasn't Katelyn. It wasn't his cousin but he had still doubted.
Neil stumbled and Nicky watched as his cousin, the one he had thought was almost a sociopath, being arrested for kicking Nicky's homophobic attackers aside, pull Neil up with an arm around his waist. It was very cute to watch but Nicky managed to stay quiet, at least until Neil stumbled again and fell to the ground and Andrew just stared at him apathetically.
"Andrew, really?" Nicky shouldn't have been surprised. Andrew might be far softer with Neil than Nicky had ever seen him be with anyone, and that included cute puppies, but he was still Andrew. Neil didn't look like he expected help but was instead frowning down at his legs like they had betrayed him. Nicky bent down to help Neil up but when his friend looked up, he flinched back at the closeness of Nicky's face.
"No, Nicky." Neil sounded miserable but defeated and the look on his face was worse. Nicky froze and he could feel Andrew's attention sharpen. "No, please." He shook his head but it was the kind of head shake of someone who was at the end of their limit and couldn't fight anymore. Neil was a fighter and a survivor and to hear him talk like that was enough to break Nicky's heart. He almost forgot about his cousin.
"Nicky," Andrew's voice was terrifying and Nicky didn't want to turn around. It wasn't like facing Andrew would do the slightest bit of good if his cousin decided he wanted to kill him. "Explain. Now."
Neil craned his head back and squinted up at Nicky's cousin. "Andrew?" he murmured blearily. "I don't like being drunk," he said in an obvious statement Nicky would normally joke about but right now he was too busy trying to work out how to stop Andrew from killing him. "It's like when I was sick. Mom didn't like me being sick." And there was a wealth of pain and memory wrapped up in those words. Nicky stood up slowly and took a large step back from Neil, even when he wanted nothing more than to wrap his arms around him in a big hug. Touching Neil would mean Nicky wouldn't live to see tomorrow.
Andrew replaced him but his glance at Nicky let him know Andrew hadn't forgotten a thing. However, his desire to get answers from Nicky was beaten by his concern over Neil's well-being.
Nicky watched as Andrew pulled Neil to his feet, muttering in Russian to him and acted far more gentle than anyone could have expected. Aaron and Kevin showed up about the same time Neil was on his feet and Aaron gave Nicky a questioning glance as Andrew helped Neil off in the direction of the car.
"Andrew is going to kill me," Nicky said in answer to the question Aaron never asked. Aaron gave him a sideways look but said nothing. Nicky stared after his friend and cousin and bitterly regretted ever doing what Andrew asked, especially now he knew exactly how Andrew was going to react when he figured out how Nicky had carried out his request. More than that, he regretted putting that expression in Neil's eyes when he looked at him. Nicky had almost forgotten their first night together but it seemed Neil hadn't.
They got back to the house in record time. Neil fell asleep in the front seat and when they arrived at the house, Andrew shook him awake and then helped him stumble into the house and then their bedroom. He ignored the rest of them. Aaron scoffed as if being ignored for Neil wasn't something he cared about, though it was an obvious lie, and stormed off and Kevin managed to stumble over to the couch before passing out. Nicky bit his lip and slowly moved to his own bedroom.
He didn't have to wait long. Ten minutes later, the house was quiet and Andrew was at his door.
"Nicky," he said in his expressionless voice which managed to somehow convey how dangerous he was right then. "Explain." The now was implied.
"So, you remember when we first took Neil out? And you said we had to get as much of the crackers into him as possible?" Nicky realised he was fluttering his hands and forced himself to be still. No need to aggravate Andrew more than he already was. "I couldn't just pour it into his mouth, not right there on the dance floor. People would have intervened."
"Nicky."
"I put the crackers in my own mouth and then kissed Neil to force them into him," Nicky replied hopelessly. He wasn't so much scared of his cousin now as he was suitably wary. But now he understood Andrew a lot better than he ever had and knew Neil and consent were massive sore spots, ones which Nicky had run straight over last year.
Andrew went very still. Nicky took a breath in and looked Andrew in the face. His cousin had chosen to stand in the doorway, where the dim light from the hallway only mildly illuminated his face. His eyes were in shadow and Nicky couldn't read his mood. And then he did nothing. He left Nicky standing there staring at the empty doorway and feeling worse than he would if Andrew had stuck a knife into him. He rubbed a hand over his face and wondered whether Erik would still be awake.
**
Neil woke up and swallowed, trying to get rid of the awful taste in his mouth. It didn't work so he did it again. When he tried to open his eyes, the sunlight was so bright he had to close his eyes again with a whimper he hoped to God no one heard.
"Idiot." Andrew's voice was flat as usual but the glass of water was cool and Neil was feeling shit enough to try and sit up and drink it. Most of it went on his front but he was too tired to care about the ice water on his T-shirt.
"Why am I wearing a shirt?" Neil asked without opening his eyes. He liked to sleep with his shirt off when he was with Andrew. It meant when Andrew woke up in the middle of the night, he would feel Neil's unique scars as soon as he reached out a hand.
"You were drunk," Andrew replied, which only answered the question if you knew Andrew. Neil accepted this answer and fumbled to put the empty glass back on the nightstand without opening his eyes. Andrew sighed loud enough for Neil to hear and then took the empty glass off him.
"I don't like getting drunk." Last night was a confusion of colours and sounds and feeling more out of control than he had been in a while. He had been with Andrew and he trusted him to keep him safe but there was a difference between pleasantly tipsy and out of control drunk and Neil knew which one he preferred.
"You said last night." There was something in those words which Neil should pay attention to but his head hurt too much and his stomach rolled at the thought of food, so he put it to one side. He put his head back against the pillow and fell asleep again.
The next time he woke up, his head hurt and his mouth felt dry but they felt bearable. There was another glass of water next to him on the nightstand and he drank that before slowly getting out of bed. He made even slower progress to the shower and then stood under the hot water for a good five minutes wondering whether he had the energy to wash his hair.
The door opening distracted him from his contemplation of the shampoo bottle.
"Andrew?" He really hoped none of the others had thought it was a good idea to barge in here when he was showering. Nicky and Kevin both had issues with boundaries but Neil hoped they would realise neither Neil or Andrew would be happy about barging into their bathroom.
"Yes." When Neil stuck his head around the curtain, he saw Andrew putting two cups of coffee on the sink basin before stripping off his T-shirt.
"You coming in?" Neil asked curiously. It wasn't unheard of for Andrew to join him in the shower, but most of the time they ended up getting carried away and not realise until the water went from hot to lukewarm-at-best.
Andrew paused to look at him. "Yes or no?"
Neil smiled at Andrew. "Yes, of course." He ignored Andrew's slight frown, he didn't like it when Neil made it obvious that it was pretty much yes always with Andrew when both of them were sober, and ducked back into the shower.
The kiss was welcome after Andrew stepped into the shower but when Neil started to deepen the kiss, Andrew pulled back. "Nothing more than kissing," he said and though Neil was a little disappointed, he really did like shower sex, he was also looking forward to kissing with no end goal. Andrew was a good kisser, at least in Neil's limited experience, and it was good to enjoy it without feeling like they were going to move on afterwards.
"Okay," Neil said and immediately went back to kissing Andrew. He was a little surprised when Andrew stopped their kiss in order to spin Neil around and start to wash his hair. This was not something they had done a lot of but as Neil almost melted into a puddle against the tile wall of the shower, he hoped they could do it more. Maybe Andrew would let Neil do it to him.
It took Neil longer than usual before he realised Andrew was thinking about something, which he would blame the hangover for. There was an almost distracted haze to his eyes when he looked at Neil but he was happy to let Neil touch his shoulders and kiss him. Sometimes Andrew got like this and he would either explain it to Neil or work it out for himself. He would get nothing if he asked Andrew about it so Neil settled himself down to wait.
Still, there was something he wanted to know. "I don't remember a lot of last night." This would worry Neil more if he wasn't sure Andrew had stayed by his side pretty much the whole time. Aaron wouldn't particularly care if Neil wandered off and got himself groped a few times, Kevin would have to be paying attention to intervene in anything and Nicky would egg Neil on to embarrassing things like the others did when drunk.
Andrew didn't pause where he was drying himself but Neil got the sense that if he wasn't as good at hiding his emotions he would have. "Did anything happen?" Neil went through what he could remember of last night. There wasn't a lot he remembered about what was being said but he remembered his stomach churning like he was going to throw up, and his head spinning like he was going to fall down. Everyone talked about the fun feeling of being drunk, of the euphoria or the numbness, but it made all the memories so much clearer in Neil's head, clearer than reality had been. He kept thinking about bad shit, like his Mum waking him up when he was sick by pulling on his hair, or how his father had sliced him open for sniffing too much during an important phone call.
"You said you didn't like being drunk and it reminded you of being sick with your mother," Andrew replied in his usual monotone. That could explain the bad mood, Andrew and Neil had very different opinions on Neil's mother, and he was sure Andrew didn't like to be reminded of how she had treated Neil, but he couldn't help but get the sense that there was something more than that.
"Yeah, I don't think I want to get drunk like that again." He finished dressing and watched Andrew pull his T-shirt on. Maybe it would have been different if he had been starting off from a good place but the anniversary of his mother's death had been last week and the last two nights he had been plagued with nightmares. Maybe your mood when you were into drinking could affect what kind of drunk you were.
"You don't have to," Andrew said and Neil knew that if Nicky tried to encourage him to take more shots than Neil wanted to, Andrew would be there to back him up.
Neil smiled at Andrew. "Thanks."
"Don't thank me, you idiot." There was a note of anger in Andrew's voice but didn't seem directed at him.
"Okay." Neil shrugged. "You coming to breakfast?" Andrew nodded without a pause and Neil wondered whether something had happened to stir up Andrew's protective instinct which he said he didn't have. Neil kept getting flashes of last night but nothing concrete and it was the lack of anything which disturbed him the most.
As soon as he walked into the kitchen, he knew there was something he was missing. Nicky looked flat, staring down at his coffee like it had all the answers and Aaron and Kevin looked hungover, but all three of them froze as soon as Neil and Andrew walked in. When Neil glanced at Andrew, hoping to get some sort of explanation, he froze as well. Andrew managed to convey utter fury without his expression changing from the usual set apathy.
Neil looked between the group in the kitchen and Andrew. His confusion only got worse when he noticed Nicky cringing under Andrew's glare, Aaron glaring at Neil and Kevin watching Andrew warily. The last two weren't that unusual but something in his head said that they were all connected.
"What the fuck happened last night?" Neil looked at Andrew and then Nicky and then finally at Aaron and Kevin when it looked like he wasn't going to get any answer from the first two.
"You said some shit when you were drunk," Aaron replied in the same disdainful way he had whenever he talked to Neil. However, he was the only person in the room who was actually giving him some answers so he ignored the tone.
"What shit did I say?"
"Er, apparently you said some stuff about your Mom and then about when we first took you to the club?" Kevin answered this time, only to cringe when he looked at Andrew. Neil ignored this as he put everything together in his head. The mention of his mum would set Andrew off, but Andrew didn't believe in regret, why would he get upset about that now?
And then he remembered the other shit that had happened in the club, which had paled in comparison to the loss of memory, the panic over Andrew's interrogation and the loss of control from the drugs.
"Oh, I forgot about what happened with Nicky," Neil said and immediately knew he had dropped a bomb into the kitchen. Andrew rounded on him and Neil wanted to sigh.
"That's not how you acted last night," Andrew said, his tone icy cold even as his face stayed set. His gaze watched Neil's expression carefully as if he would be able to catch him in a lie. Neil's temper was starting to boil and he straightened up.
"Well, since I can't remember last night, I can't give you an account of my behaviour," he snapped. "Is that why you're looking at Nicky like you want to stab him?"
Nicky made a squeaky kind of sound, like he wanted to gasp but didn't want to remind Andrew he was here. Neil hated this, he hated being reminded of that time when he had feared what Andrew would see and had ached to stay so badly even when every instinct in him had been screaming to run.
His head was pounding and the memory was not one he wanted to relive. He remembered the burning kisses from Nicky, his inability to get away from him, but he remembered how the drugs warped the world around him and made him so vulnerable. And he sure as fuck didn't want to relieve it in front of everyone here. He spun on his heel and went to his bedroom, changing into his running gear and drank another bottle of water.
Andrew was in the doorway as he finished. "You're angry with me," he said in an unconcerned tone of voice. Neil finished the last of the bottle of water and carefully screwed the top back on. He was tempted to throw it but he wasn't a child throwing a tantrum so he made sure to put on his bedside table very carefully.
"Yes," Neil answered. He was through lying to Andrew and it wouldn't have been a very convincing lie anyway. "I need to go for a run and I'll talk when I come back. You and Nicky."
And he left without waiting for an acknowledgement.
The thing was he was on Andrew's side because he knew just why consent was such a big deal for Andrew but Neil had hated the forced drugging far more than the kisses. If Nicky had kissed him because he had been drinking, he would have found it uncomfortable and probably avoided Nicky when he was drunk, but it was the fact that those kisses were used to force more crackers on him was what made him very uncomfortable.
He couldn't be angry at Andrew for being upset - he wouldn't have been upset a year ago when Neil could have died on the side of the road back to Palmetto and it wouldn't have meant anything to him, but now? Neil wasn't unsurprised at Andrew's anger but he was annoyed he was treating Nicky like that for something which happened over a year ago now. A year ago, Nicky had been a different person, they had all been different people. Neil didn't hold what Andrew did against him and he didn't hold what Nicky did against him.
So why the hell was he angry with Andrew?
Neil kept on running and wondered if he would find out the answer to that question.
When he got back, the house was a lot quieter. He didn't pause before he went to the bedroom and straight into the adjoining bathroom. He showered and changed, his anger burnt off somewhere around the sixth mile. Andrew was nowhere to be seen, but neither was anyone else. Neil wished for a moment he could just lie down on the bed and go to sleep, but the urge to fix things, to wipe those expressions off Nicky and Andrew's faces, was far too strong for him to be able to relax.
He found Nicky first and he thanked a god he didn't believe in. Andrew would take longer, he would have to make sure what he was saying was understood, and when Neil was with Andrew, he never wanted to leave his side.
Nicky was in his bedroom, sitting on the bed and turning his phone over and over in his hands. Neil went into his bedroom and pulled the door close behind him, though not shut completely.
"Nicky," he said and watched Nicky jump. His hands clenched on his phone and when he looked up at Neil, there was unusual hesitation in his face.
"Neil," Nicky said but then seemed to struggle about what to say next.
"Nicky, what happened last night for all this to come out?" Andrew had once said he went to Nicky after he came back from Easthaven because he knew his cousin was the one least likely to leave anything out and Neil counted on this now.
"I'm sorry, Neil. Last night you kept on drinking but you got really uncomfortable with everything. Really jumpy around other people and you kept saying you felt sick but not to tell anyone." Neil vaguely remembered that. He had hated how out of control his limbs felt and how everything had seemed so much closer than before. He hadn't minded Andrew in his personal space but it had felt like the strangers in the club were crowding in on him. "And then I went to help you up and you told me 'no' and 'please'. Then Andrew asked me why you had been afraid of me in the club and I told him about what happened the first time we took you to Eden's."
That made a horrific kind of sense. Before knowing Andrew's past, Neil would have found it bizarre that the man was happy for someone to be drugged without their consent but not kissed. Now, it was obvious exactly why Andrew had reacted the way he did. "I thought Andrew had known about it," Neil said, remembering back to how he had felt when he hitchhiked back to Palmetto.
Nicky shook his head vehemently. "No, he didn't. He just wanted me to drug you somehow. I knew he wouldn't be happy about it if he found out what I did but I did it anyway."
"So why did you?" Neil was curious. Nicky had been scared enough of Andrew a year ago to drug someone against their will, so why did he do something he knew Andrew would freak out at?
Nicky's gaze flicked away and then back at Neil. It looked like he had resigned himself to something. "There wasn't one big reason, something which would explain why I did it. I was stupid, I was missing Erik and I thought you were pretty. There was really nothing deeper than that." Neil doubted that but it wasn't for him to confess to. "Just... Neil, I am sorry. And not because Andrew found out. I halfway regretted it as soon as I did it but I put it to the back of my mind. Then last night I saw how much it affected you and I just remembered how much of an ass I was."
"Nicky," Neil murmured. He could say it hadn't mattered, that he didn't remember why his drunk self had reacted like that, but that wouldn't make Nicky feel any better. He had to consciously choose not to say he was fine, however. "Like I said, I had pretty much forgotten about it. But if it makes you feel better to hear it, I forgave you ages ago. I trust you now."
Nicky burst into tears at that. With anyone else, Neil would panic and want to get away from the noisy, leaking person as fast as possible, but it was Nicky. He was his friend.
"Can I give you a hug?" Neil asked and Nicky held out his arms still sobbing. Neil hugged Nicky as tightly as he could and let him finish sobbing before pulling back.
Nicky's face was blotchy and tear-streaked. "Thanks, Neil," he said in a wobbly, tearful voice.
"It's fine," Neil answered and then made a face when Nicky flinched. "No, it's actually fine. It's forgiven and forgotten." Then he hesitated and Nicky smiled sadly. Despite the fact it happened a year ago, Andrew had only found out last night and so to him the wound would be fresh. His forgiveness would be a long time in coming and Neil know part of Nick's tears were for that. "I'm going to talk to Andrew when I next see him."
Nicky nodded slowly. He opened his mouth, about to say something, when the door swung open and the two turned to see Andrew standing in the doorway. Fury was in every line of his body and Nicky flinched back from the venomous glare sent his way.
"Good, I was just about to come looking for you," Neil said, ignoring the atmosphere in the room. He walked over to Andrew, knowing he needed to get him out of this room sooner rather than later. Any longer in this room and Nicky would crack and start apologising, something which Andrew was not in the mood to start receiving right now. Things were far too tense right now and Neil could only hope his conversation would bring everything back down again.
He walked past Andrew and down the corridor to their room, not looking back as if he didn't expect anything less than Andrew following him. After a few seconds, footsteps came from behind him.
Their room was as tidy as normal, the bed made and the window cracked open. There was a faint smell of cigarettes in the air, it was drizzling outside so Andrew had smoked next to their bedroom window instead.
"I don't want you being alone with Nicky," Andrew said as soon as the door closed behind him. His movements were jerky, very unlike his usual smooth elegance. Neil wanted to soothe the tension out of his muscles but he knew all too well that touch was not something Andrew wanted at the moment.
Then his words registered. "Excuse me?" Matt said Neil had a way of couching polite requests in a tone which said he was ready to fight until all parties were bleeding.
Andrew knew this tone as well as the rest of the team. His back straightened. "I don't want you being alone with Nicky."
Neil leaned against the wall by the window, careful not to stand between Andrew or either the doors to the hallway or the bathroom. He didn't want to cut off Andrew's escape routes. "No," he replied.
In one of his sessions with Betsy Dobson, one of the only ones where he actually talked about something other than Exy, they had talked about Andrew and how Neil could be there for him in a way which was supportive rather than suffocating. One of the issues Betsy had emphasised was the need to respect Andrew's boundaries, especially when it came to his body and his space, but not at the cost of his own. If Andrew needed to touch Neil and Neil didn't want to be touched (unlikely to happen considering Neil reached out to people now when stressed rather than retreated inside himself), Neil had to say no. If Andrew, in his protective nature, tried to restrict aspects of Neil's life, he had to say no. How else would Andrew trust his yes otherwise?
Neil knew why Andrew didn't want him alone with Nicky and understood why, but that didn't mean Neil had to follow this command. Nicky was his friend and he had dealt with what Nicky had done.
"Why not?" Andrew asked, a rare thing Neil would have appreciated so much more if it wasn't in the middle of this whole mess.
"Because I trust Nicky," Neil said, simplifying all the possible answers down. "I know he wouldn't do anything like that again."
Andrew made a short, sharp movement but Neil didn't flinch. Andrew wouldn't hit him, not outside the Exy Court or the sparring mat. "Why? He kissed you after you said no. How can you trust him after that?"
"The same way I trust you after drugging me without my consent," Neil answered. Silence fell. Andrew's pale skin was slightly pink on the cheeks and his breath was coming faster than normal. His jaw was clenched and his eyes were bright as they stared at Neil. This time it was Neil's turn to be the calm against the storm. "I forgave you for that, just like I forgave Nicky for the kisses."
Andrew went very still. "There was more than one?"
Damn it. He thought that might have come up. "Two. On the same night, in the same stretch of time." Neil leant against the wall and sighed. This needed to be said carefully. "Andrew, if you had been in my position, those kisses would have been the worst part of the night." Andrew didn't say anything. "But for me, it was the drugging after I said no. Did you think I hitchhiked to Palmetto instead of driving back with you because of anger or spite?"
Something in Andrew's blank expression flickered but still he said nothing.
"You did, didn't you?" Neil asked shrewdly before deciding it didn't matter. "Andrew, I didn't drive back with you that morning because I couldn't trust any of you. You were bringing back food but I didn't trust it would be drug free. I threw the cup of water back at Aaron and Nicky because I sure as hell wasn't going to take a drink from their hands. The fact that I couldn't remember some of the night and I was in the hands of people I didn't know or trust while I was vulnerable was far worse for me than any kiss. I know it's different for you but for me, the unknown drugging was the worst. Do you get it?" Neil watched Andrew and tried to figure out what was going on inside his head. Everyone said that he knew Andrew best of anyone but Neil felt like he was only getting things right about half the time.
Andrew didn't say anything, just turned on his heel and walked out of the bedroom. Neil went to call out after him but strangled the name in his throat. Andrew needed space and Neil would give it to him, even if he wanted Andrew to work things out with him. He wanted Andrew to say he understood or yell at him or talk about how he felt about Nicky having done that - but he knew Andrew better than that.
Andrew was outside in the backyard when he went downstairs but Neil didn't go out to him. He wondered if he had said something wrong, something which had sent Andrew spiralling into bad memories, but if he had there was nothing to be done about it now.
"What the fuck is going on?" Kevin shuffled out of his room, his hair sticking straight up in a way which made him look like a startled owl.
"We're dealing with it, it's fine," Neil answered without looking up the stairs at Kevin.
"That's reassuring to hear from you." Aaron appeared at the top of the stairs, his expression set in the permanently annoyed one he wore around Neil. "Especially since you're the one to cause all this."
Neil took his eyes off Andrew long enough to give Aaron a blank stare and watched as Aaron's temper sparked. He opened his mouth but Nicky's voice cut him off.
"No, its my fault. I knew I shouldn't have done it but I didn't want to bring it up to Neil and have to explain to Andrew what I had done so I just left it. And now it's all come out." Nicky came to the top of the stairs and looked down at Neil. His face was puffy and blotchy with tears. Aaron looked like he still wanted to yell at Neil even if it wasn't his fault and Kevin only looked confused.
"Where's Andrew now?" Kevin asked.
"Outside in the garden." Neil shook his head when Nicky made as if to come downstairs. "I talked to him and now he just needs space. Going out there isn't going to do any good." Nicky took a deep breath and nodded.
"Neil, would it be better if the three of us left for a while?" Kevin asked, unusually insightful.
"Why the fuck should I be kicked out the house?"
"Yeah, I think that would be a good idea," Neil replied, ignoring Aaron. "The fewer people the better." He noticed Andrew was on the phone, likely to Betsy, and added another twenty minutes onto the time he was going to be outside.
"Come on, Aaron," Nicky said with a fraction of his usual cheer. Aaron looked like he wanted to protest but when he looked at his cousin's pleading face he caved.
"Fine. Do you think Andrew will let you drive his car?" Aaron was being sarcastic but Neil saw it hit harder than it normally would. He pulled the car keys out of his pocket and lobbed them at Nicky, who caught them instinctively.
"Take them. Andrew's on the phone so you have ten minutes to get out of the house."
There were no more protests and soon enough the three of them were out of the house. Neil prepared some lunch for the two of them, though he wasn't sure about Andrew coming back in before then. The rain was coming down harder now but Andrew was sheltering under an oak tree so he might not notice.
Neil drank some more water and finished his sandwich. His stomach rolled and he took several deep breaths in the hope it would stay down. He went to lie down on the couch, hoping he would feel more comfortable there, and fell asleep.
He woke up, confused and disoriented. His stomach had settled but his mouth felt incredibly dry and he groaned as he sat up. Andrew almost made him startle but he had become so aware of his presence that he had subconsciously realised he was here before he saw him.
"Andrew," Neil said, his voice sounding as dry as a desert and Andrew nodded at the side table. A glass of water was waiting for Neil and he drank it greedily.
"No hesitation," Andrew said as he watched Neil wipe his mouth after finishing the glass. Neil stared at him, his brain still waking up from his impromptu nap, and then realised what Andrew was talking about.
"Of course I don't hesitate now, I trust you." Neil stared at Andrew and saw he was unsettled, but whether it was because of what they talked about or something Dobson said. "Did you talk to Betsy?"
Andrew nodded, his expression blank. "Where are the others?"
"Out," Neil replied, just as shortly as Andrew had asked. "Do you want to talk?" He had a suspicion that Andrew had taken his words differently to how he intended.
"Not here." He walked up to their bedroom and Neil followed behind. It made sense that he didn't want anyone coming in to interrupt them in the middle of this talk. Andrew glanced at the bed when he got in and walked past it to the window, folding himself onto the table by the window and leaning against the wall beside it. The sound of rain came through the open window, giving a hush of background noise. Neil chose to sit on the bed, cross-legged at the end facing Andrew, rather than looking like he was preparing to go to sleep.
They stared at each other, or rather, Neil stared at Andrew while Andrew stared out of the window. Neil didn't have his mother's patience but he was learning what Andrew needed the longer they were together and right now he had the words in his head, he just needed to get them out. Neil could wait patiently if it was for Andrew. It helped he had a run today already, so he was comfortable as he slouched on the bed and looked at Andrew.
He was wearing a black T-shirt and black sweatpants, damp in places from the rain outside. His armbands were in place as usual and his hair was mussed, droplets perched on top of several scruffy spikes. If Neil had any drawing skill at all, he would like to have drawn Andrew then. Immortalise him in paper so Neil would never forget the sight of him just then. He knew Andrew hated his memory sometimes, hated how the bad overtook the good, and Neil could understand that. However, he couldn't help wishing he had the ability to capture photos in his mind, or at least the silver tongue needed to persuade Andrew to let him take pictures of him.
"Staring," Andrew said and Neil realised he had drifted into his thoughts, his gaze on Andrew.
"Yes," he replied. He didn't like to apologise for staring at Andrew, especially when it didn't seem to make Andrew uncomfortable, but he wasn't going to pretend he hadn't been admiring Andrew over on the bed. "What did you want to tell me?"
"You're an idiot." Andrew drew his legs up to his chest, making him even smaller and vulnerable looking. He turned his gaze away from Neil to stare at the floor and Neil waited another minute. "Me drugging you felt like being kissed would have felt like to me."
It took Neil a few moments to work out what Andrew was saying and it was only because he had spent the last year deciphering Andrew that he was able to realise the meaning behind the relatively cryptic words. "No, Andrew, that's not the same. It's not." Andrew's boundaries were hard limits, there was no changing the fact that he would never take being kissed without his consent well. With his past, his trust would likely never be regained if that had happened. "I haven't been drugged like that be - " Neil cut himself off as he remembered something.
"What?" Andrew sat up properly now and was eyeing Neil warily.
"Okay, I might have been drugged without knowing about it before," Neil answered slowly. He remembered being given something to drink by his mother when he was younger and falling into a far heavier sleep than was natural. She did it when his father had business men over, likely to stop Neil waking up and disturbing them, and she had done it when he had been sick one time they had been on the run. She had been upset when he had woken up, groggy and confused and had hurriedly shoved his head down against the back seat.
"Neil?" Andrew's voice was tense and he looked like he wanted to climb off the table but was holding himself back.
"Yes," Neil said and held out a hand. He knew Andrew wouldn't kiss him, not when this discussion was going on but he did come over and sit next to Neil and hold his hand as tightly as Neil wanted him to. They weren't touching anywhere else but Neil concentrated on Andrew's thumb swiping over the scars on the back of his hand. "I didn't realise - Mum used to give me a drink before my father had other mobsters - business people over and I always slept really deeply until the next morning." He wet the bed a couple of times during those nights, which had been upsetting for six-year-old him but his mother hadn't said a word as she stripped the sheets from his bed before his father had seen them.
Andrew's hand was tight on his and Neil was tempted to turn his hand over and clasp Andrew's hand in return but didn't. He had a feeling Andrew could tolerate touching someone else but not being touched right now. "It's still not the same," he added because it wasn't, no matter how much Andrew saw it that way.
"Tell me how." Andrew's voice was flat but Neil could hear the underlying plea. Tell me how I'm not like them.
"It just isn't." Neil's words were failing him despite the fact he knew this was important, knew that he might ending up losing Andrew to his never-admitted guilt and regret if he didn't fix this. "I can't explain it but I have forgiven you for that and it's not just some empty words." Although Andrew should already know this. Neil and him didn't do empty words. "It's the scale of the thing. I didn't like being drugged because it meant I was vulnerable around people who I didn't know how they were going to act. If Nicky had kissed me when I was sober, I would have shoved him away and that would have been that. The drugs meant I couldn't fight back like I wanted and I didn't know how you four were going to act."
Andrew's grip grew far tighter and Neil realised he had once again said the wrong thing. He stared down at Andrew's hand, clutching his own tightly, but then Andrew seemingly noticed the direction of his gaze and let go. Neil felt adrift without Andrew to anchor him but he was careful not to reach out to him, to make Andrew feel pressured in any way.
"I didn't like the drugs more than the kisses but they're not the same to me what the kiss would have been for you," Neil said slowly, working out his words before he said them. "It just isn't. I was pissed at you for it but it's not the same. I trust you and I trust Nicky now and I need you to trust me when I say that to me, it's not the same."
Andrew looked away from him, out of the window, and Neil waited. He counted down the minutes and had gotten to six minutes before Andrew spoke.
"I thought it was necessary." Andrew didn't like apologies, he felt like they were just empty words a lot of the time, but this was as close as he would ever come. Neil looked at Andrew but he kept on looking out the window.
"I know," Neil replied. Three minutes of silence this time and then Neil yawned. This got Andrew to look at him. His expression was softer around the edges, the storm having settled for now.
"You just woke up."
"Such judgment," Neil said in a way he had heard Allison use on Dan before. "Emotions are exhausting." Andrew said nothing, his silence an agreement. "Are you going to call Betsy again?"
A moment and then Andrew shook his head. "I told Bee I would call her tomorrow." It went without saying that Andrew was exhausted as well. Battling bad memories and unwanted guilt and regret, even if he never named it as such, was like running an emotional marathon.
"Sleep with me?" Neil asked around another yawn. A moment later he realised the connotations his question could have. "Just sleeping."
Andrew's look was far too plain. "You'll fall asleep before we did anything, Junkie," Andrew said as he stood up from the bed and disappeared into the bathroom. While he was gone, Neil took the chance to send Kevin a message that he and Andrew were in the bedroom and were to be left alone, while Nicky got a message saying his talk with Andrew would have to wait until tomorrow.
When Andrew came back into the bedroom, Neil had slipped under the covers and was lying flat on his back, watching the rain out of the window. He turned to look at Andrew and was relieved to see his movements were easier than before and he was carrying his armbands in one hand, rather than wearing them. He put them on the table next to the bed before crawling into bed next to Neil. Neither of them touched but Neil turned his head so he could look at Andrew rather than the window.
"Andrew," Neil said. The air was cleared but he still felt like something was on Andrew's mind. "I'm glad that we got here." And Andrew knew what he meant. When he looked at Neil, his eyes were lighter than normal and finally cleared of the shadow which had been there ever since Neil woke up this morning.
"Go to sleep."
Neil smiled and closed his eyes.