Chapter Text
“Hiiiiii!” Rose issued the word with a crack-her-tooth smile standing next to her manic not-boyfriend who crooned in unison with her, in equal coupley, nauseous, happy greeting. She wanted to vomit. This night, like every date, was punishment.
She waltzed into Professor Sarah Jane Smith’s cozy home, a casserole in her arms. Like a good guest and fake girlfriend of one Dr. James McCrimmon, friend and colleague of Professor Smith. Sarah Jane was the head of the English Department and didn’t know about the fraudulent nature of her relationship with Dr. McCrimmon, infamously known as the Doctor.
Rose shuffled into the kitchen, making small talk while the Doctor, her worst fake-boyfriend in the universe, took off to go spend the evening with his friends. Ignoring her as usual, although with a planned ulterior motive.
His friends were the brilliant, creative, educated, elite of various departments at Gallifrey University. Not that Rose ever saw herself as ignorant and she did graduate with a Masters in Fine Art toward the top of her class. But when compared to geniuses who enjoyed discussing the philosophical aspects in astrophysics research, she didn’t really participate much. She doubted anyone noticed, too enthralled with the Doctor.
She settled next to her one of her allies, Rory Williams, fiancée of Amy Pond, Sarah Jane’s student assistant. They clinked glasses and hoarded the spinach dip.
Rose no longer cared if scarfing bread laden with dip embarrassed fake boyfriend Doctor. Over a glass of what she was sure was fine red wine from some ostentatious cellar, she reflected back on how she ended up in this mess.
It had been a crisp fall morning. She was back on campus researching for her latest project, an art exhibit inspired by photography of Jupiter from the Juno Mission. Gallifrey University had one of the finest astrophysics’ programs in the world.
She didn’t plan on the hot professor, Dr. James McCrimmon. One swoon worthy lecture with his high energy, geek chic style, and she’d been hooked. She audited another of his courses and gotten to know his co-professor Donna Noble, who seemed oblivious to his charm, affectionally calling him space man.
Donna arranged for an interview. He babbled the whole time about lunar cycles, primordial black holes, Planet Nine and alien life forms. She only vaguely paid attention, thinking he’d make a fine art exhibit on his own, possibly naked except for his glasses. Gorgeous brown hair artfully tousled, tight pinstripe suit and melt her knickers brown eyes had doomed her. His flirtatious nature and how he made the stars sound sensual didn’t hurt.
Except, it became apparent, he had no interest as he leaned in whispering sweet nothings about the Rose Nebula, only to spin away, yanking down star chart after star chart keeping his distance. He ended their interview by jumping as his mobile rang. Eyes wide, fingers ripping through his hair, he mentioned an experiment with living coral, hamsters and reversing the neutron flow and ran off.
That was that. At least Rose thought so, comparing the gorgeous professor to one of those interstellar objects that whizzed through the solar system.
Until Donna asked her to attend a department social as a guest. The whole thing was sold to Rose on how her project would be a good way to cross physical arts with science; and that the department would love to discuss a joint project. It would be good for the students and help Rose with free consulting and some borrowed exhibits.
And that was where it all went pear shaped.
Gorgeous, babbling and sometimes engaging Dr. McCrimmon was there, almost clinging to her side, peppering her with facts about the Jupiter photos, the mythology about Jupiter and the various moons and their mythological counterparts. Rose hated to admit how his attention caused her heart to flutter and certain parts of her anatomy to heat. His voice took on a hypnotic quality, sigh worthy as she stared at his lower pouty lip.
Maybe that was what lulled her normal feminine intuition into a catatonic state. Or, it might have been his frenetic energy. He’d dragged her into animated conversations and one fun adventure playing hide and seek with the horrible board member Henry Van Statten which made for a fun night.
Until…the moment of infamy.
“And who’s this?” Van Statten cornered them staring pointedly at Rose’s breasts hidden tastefully under her blue sweater dress. Before she could set the lecherous academic straight, an arm curled around her waist.
“Rose Tyler, Director of the Arcadia Institute’s Arts and Sciences Exhibits and my—” His mouth opened and closed and his face flushed red. Rose stood silent unsure what was wrong with the man who babbled nonstop.
“Girlfriend,” he spat out and tugged at his ear while Rose suddenly found his other hand clamped for dear life on her waist. “We’re together,” he added. Rose nearly choked.
“Well look at you, Dr. McCrimmon. She must be something special,” Van Statten said with a smirk. “To nail our resident genius.”
“She is right here and doesn’t like being referred to as she. It’s Miss Tyler or Rose.” Rose gave her best snippy voice. Even as she sputtered internally.
“Yes, Rose is brilliant,” the Doctor bounced on the balls of his feet. “And we really should be off.” Once again, she was dragged to the opposite side of the room behind a column near a very large and well placed ficus tree.
“Look, Doctor,” she cleared her throat determined to clarify she could take care of herself and had dealt with plenty of Van Stattens without a man to protect her.
“I need a cover,” he interrupted. “That is…. I mean everyone keeps setting me up or questioning me and you’re so nice and brilliant, and you’ve not demanded anything like so many women or you know, walked away rolling your eyes. Not sure why.” He drew his eyebrows together and adjusted his glasses examining her like a specimen.
“Doctor,” she tried again, speaking firmly. “I’m not your girlfriend. That would require dating and dinner at the very least.”
He frowned and tugged at his ear.
“I’m not really the dating sort. I mean if you’re hungry, I’m sure I could find you nibbles.” He peered around, gaze alighting on a tray. She grabbed his arm before he could disappear.
“You told Van Statten I was your girlfriend.”
“Wellll, you are a woman and very friendly. We’ve chatted and oh! I was your interviewee so that makes us friends yes?”
Rose found herself the victim of the softest, most powerful puppy dog eyes. That combined with his odd form of charm and the fact she already fancied him, sucked her in.
“Yeah, I guess we are. Although, friends don’t just springs stuff on each other like that.”
“Course not,” He nodded his head. “Sorry.” He practically thrust the word out and bounced on his feet. “I’m not very good at social niceties. Donna’s always telling me I need to practice. Maybe you could help?”
Helping the hot professor learn how to be polite and learn social etiquette should not appeal to her. This was a recipe for disaster. But the pouty lower lip combined with the engaging freckled face and more deep brown puppy dog eyes vanquished her common sense.
“I suppose…if you were to help me with my exhibit, I could go out with you to a few events.”
“Molto Bene!” He jumped up and then tugged her into a hug, the full body kind filled with enthusiasm and surrounded Rose in gorgeous tea and spice essence of Doctor. And oh god did he feel good plastered against her.
A not so discrete cough interrupted said hug of ages.
“Am I interrupting something?” Donna asked, one brow arched, a martini in one hand.
“Rose has just agreed to be my mentor and teach me how to not embarrass myself and the department at these abhorrent and totally boring functions. She,” he emphasized, preening. “Is my girlfriend tutor.”
Donna snorted a giggle and downed half her martini while looking between Rose and the Doctor.
Rose wanted to disappear, dive into the ficus and find a portal to anywhere but there. Instead, she did her best to save her dignity.
“Doctor, remember that part where you needed help with social graces?” He whipped around, eyes wide.
“You don’t go around announcing I’m your fake girlfriend.”
“I…I didn’t say fake! I said…well implied you’re my girlfriend mentor errr girlfriend coach? I mean girlfriend—”
“Nanny” Donna inserted, swirling her drink.
“No!” He scowled.
“Governess?” Donna suggested with a snicker.
“That’s enough, both of you.” Rose firmly put her foot down. “I’m not sure I agreed to anything.” She eyed him, sniffing and pretending to dust off his coat.
“I think it’s a brilliant idea,” Donna gushed. “In fact, I’m asking you to. It would save me from going around making apologies after these parties.” Donna ignored his sputtering and stepped closer to Rose who wasn’t sure how to take any of this.
“He’d be brilliant at your exhibit. Maybe he could make a video you could play giving background on cosmic inspiration for various art pieces? And you’d have access to loads of possible technology to give everything that special space feel. I’d be around in case you need support with himself.”
“Rose doesn’t need support,” the Doctor defended and moved next to her. “She’s quite capable which is why she’s so perfect. You will help me?” Again, he hit her with that soft pleading look.
Fuck. Rose really needed to remember past bad boyfriend experiences. Mickey who’d been more friend then romance and ultimately left her, although nicely. Jimmy Stones who’d been more rock star charisma and less loving boyfriend, and who left her. Then there was the wanker Adam who used her for contacts, and left her. She sensed a trend…
“This is a really bad idea.” Rose yearned for Donna’s martini and she didn’t even like martinis.
“Possibly,” The Doctor agreed but once again a manic light lit his eyes. “But we’ll dive into the bad idea together. Think of it. No worries about embarrassment because we know it’s not real. Just a great big safari of social niceties of academia!”
“I’ll get you a laser hologram projector for your exhibit.” Donna added the icing on the cake of fake girlfriend duty.
“All right. I guess I can do this. I mean it’s just like dating, only no pressure, no commitment, just fun, right?”
Rose had never been so wrong.
Months of awkward dates, yanking him back, interrupting, and smiling until her cheeks ached, she felt more like a dog walker than a fake girlfriend. She guided and tugged on the leash practically shouting heel…nicely followed by Doctor, my love.
He wasn’t terrible but oblivious and rude. She could deal with that. Except, he tossed her aside so many times it went beyond embarrassing. No self-respecting girlfriend would tolerate it. Especially, the pitying looks and comments. Or the outright snarky remarks that their relationship must be physical with no substance.
Fuming became normal. Dates became migraine-inducing events that now occurred once a week including these private dinners. Again, she didn’t mind some of them. Except when the pitying looks thing turned her stomach to a hard knot as she sat pretending he was the best boyfriend ever, and made nice to boost his career and social cred.
Acting the devoted lover gained all new meaning after his department won a grant after one of her more spectacular fake girlfriend performances at a black-tie event. She’d kept him in line with nibbles and escorted him around to parse out his brilliant comments. After that, Donna had upped the ante, somehow arranging for her to borrow meteor exhibits.
But all in all, it had taken a toll. Yes, everyone seemed to get what they wanted except Rose’s ego had taken a hit. Now relegated to his personal arm decoration, it was like no one saw her. Not even him. Fake boyfriend spent more time flirting with other women. Especially the ones who hadn’t found him tolerable before.
Rose was just a tool. Here she had this gorgeous, intelligent man and he barely looked at her. Self-reflection sowed doubts and insecurities at what was wrong with her. She kept telling herself just because he was attractive, charming and otherwise engaging, didn’t make him the right guy for her. He was not datable. And thus, she spent dates eating and drinking herself into oblivion.
But it was all to come to an end soon. Her launch date for the Space For Art: Earthbound Creative Cosmos exhibit was imminent. The agreed upon end of fake dating. Donna had come up with the plan that left Rose on the higher ground. A public break up wherein Rose would tell him it wasn’t working and give the age-old line, it’s me not you, darling. And leave him bereft and open to his friends and colleagues’ consolation while Rose sauntered off.
And it would happen at Sarah Jane’s dinner. She eyed Rory next to her tossing chunks of spinach dip laden bread to Sarah Jane’s dog, K-9. Guilt began to gnaw a hold in her chest. She really had bonded with a few people. Rory and Amy were killer partners at Charades. They’d dominated against everyone else. Especially the Doctor’s team with his flirty friend Professor Harkness and Harkness’s boyfriend Ianto Jones, the new Food Services Director.
What was she doing hesitating? He was awful. Just a few weeks ago he’d left her holding a plate of nibbles and ran off on some project emergency while everyone stared at her. He’d made her dress up as an ice cream sundae to his banana for Halloween.
Sure, he’d created a whole planetarium show just for her exhibit, showing off the Rose Nebula as some honorarium to her. On the surface it appeared romantic. Until he went into lecture mode about some plasma storm in the Horsehead Nebula, and how maybe that would be better. Was he making a comment? She didn’t know. He was so odd in how he’d sometimes seem to care, taking her out to a film, wrapping an arm around her shoulder and then pointing out the inaccuracies.
A real boyfriend wouldn’t do that. Would he? Rose doubted she knew anymore.
How had it all come to this? Confusion reigned over a fake boyfriend. She pined for a man who could care less about her, too consumed in his work and annoyingly perfect Professor Poisson the guest lecturer on historical French astronomers. His his friends welcomed her even if some of them tended to ignore her. Yet others, like Sarah Jane, showed interest in her work or offered suggestions for her exhibit.
Then there was Donna who’d been her one true ally. The one person who knew the truth. They’d joked, went out for drinks to trash talk the whole affair and…became friends. God, she’d made a mess. Donna was even there that night to offer support.
Get rid of the unhealthy crush and lose friends, or do something stupid? She needed wine. In vino veritas as the saying went. Half a bottle later in the heat of the moment of a game of Pictionary, all would be revealed.
She grabbed the tablet from her teammate Dr. Melt Her Panties Fake Boyfriend.
“Uh Rose, maybe I should—”
“Button it,” Amy chastised from across the room. “You’ve had it all night. Let Rose have a go.” There may have been an evil glint in her eyes but Rose was too drunk to care.
“Thanks, Amy. Everyone should have a turn.” She squinted at the pad in her lap, pen in hand, she tried to put it on the paper.
“Maybe Rose has had enough for the night,” the Doctor suggested.
Rose whipped up her head, the room spinning slightly. He finally talks to her and not at her. And why was he asking her to leave? This was his finest hour, the hour of dummpage where he got all the sympathy and freedom and possible dates. Not that he said he wanted dates. He seemed content with the safety and lack of commitment of fake boyfriend privileges. And to make himself look cool, hip, normal and not a hermitty geek.
Well he wasn’t getting back to his hermitting ways that night. Nor was he getting his way period. He was her fake boyfriend. She’d put up with enough of him and now…she lost the thought. What was she doing again? Oh yes, embarrassing him as penance for making her go to his lecture the other night and pretend to be fascinated and adoring when she wanted to fall asleep as he lost focus on some tangent on bananas.
But not tonight! No bananas for Mr. Fake Boyfriend.
She manically scribbled on the paper. Putting to use her primitive art studies.
Rose startled as a hand rested on her shoulder.
“You okay?” Donna asked in a soft, worried voice. She had no reason to be. Rose was about to make her final coup d'é tat move. Or something like that.
“Fine,” she answered, after one more violent stroke on the tablet. She giggled. She was so pissed. Even worse than at her last break up party with her friend Shareen.
She held up the tablet.
“This one’s for my hooonnney,” she drew out in slurred words. “My sweet geek. Banana Boy Babe.”
A nice warm mug of coffee pressed in her hand as said geek pulled the tablet from her.
“You look like you could use this,” Sarah Jane said and stared at the paper along with Donna. Rose grinned, proud as a pissed woman with a confused sense of revenge could be. Coffee called to her. Lots of cream and yummy. She hummed and eyed the Doctor over the rim of the mug. He looked deliciously confused.
She snorted some coffee, coughs racking her chest as someone grabbed the mug.
“He doesn’t it get it!” she chortled, slapping her knee. “Oh my God, I finally stumped the genius!”
“Um,” He scratched his head, hair sticking up at all angles. “It’s a—” He angled his head. “I know this.” He stared at the two stick figures with two interlocking circles between them.
“A Binary Star…Two people exploring it or…oh is it a new elemental symbol?” he asked hopefully.
“No,” she giggled, about to fall off the sofa.
“Clearly their astronauts! They’re orbiting no wait….molecules, electrons, protons—”
“Not even close!”
“Well—” he tugged at his ear in his adorable nervous habit. “One is wearing a top hat. And the other a dress of sorts, I suppose. Formal attire around a—” He hummed and Rose could barely breath at how confused he was. So fucking funny she’d stumped him on the one thing he probably feared the most.
And everyone shifted uncomfortably as they probably all got it. This was the best night of her life. Rory leaned forward, only Amy held him back telling him, “Rory No! Let genius boy figure it out for himself.”
“We’ll be here all night,” Donna muttered and plopped down next to Rose. “You didn’t really mean this?” she asked.
“Oh yes I did!” Rose answered with glee reaching for Donna’s wine which she handed to Sarah Jane.
The Doctor finally perked up, jumping up and down. “Got it! It’s a space wedding!”
“You need a verb, an action word,” Amy reminded him.
“To wed?” he asked slowly, face flushing pinking.
“Nope but close.” Rose eyed him. “You’ll never get it.” With a sigh she stood up, stumbled a step before him and grabbed the tablet shoving it upward as she fell to her knees in front of pin striped legs. “Marry as in marry me, you adorkable idiot.” She grinned as he sputtered when she sang, “Surprise!”
And there she had it. Not only had she ruined his plans but he stood speechless, eyes darting around looking for escape.
“I think I’ll take Rose home,” Donna announced as the Doctor still stood staring at Rose, twitching and bouncing foot to foot.
“Aww before he answers?” Rose sighed. “Guess I brain fried him. Too bad.” Donna and Rory hauled her up. “Thanks for the party, Sarah Jane.” Rose chirped as Donna ushered her out. “Make sure he doesn’t run out into traffic in terror!” she called out as she was whisked out into Donna’s car and into passed out drunk fake girlfriend oblivion.
To be continued.