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Ash told himself not to fall in love with anyone anymore.
He promised to himself that he’s not going to hurt anyone by loving them.
Last time he loved a girl, she died. Even though she was just someone who he’s in love with.
He held onto that promise for 3 years but when he came to Ash’s life, Ash couldn’t keep that promise anymore.
Ash is head over heels with the Japanese photographer's assistant. He’s in love again.
When he first met the Japanese boy, he found him cute and pure. He was amazed by how pure the boy was. Such person exists, huh?
When he first saw the boy jumped over the wall, he was amazed by his skill. A short boy who has a lot of potential in him. That’s amazing.
He flew over the wall, like a bird.
When he spent his time in Cape Cod with him, going fishing, eating junk and swimming, he thought he had found himself a new best friend. He slowly realised the feelings that he has for the Japanese boy is not like how he felt with Shorter. He’s in love with Eiji. He wants to hug Eiji, kiss him and make him his forever but he couldn’t. He couldn’t love anyone.
No, he can’t.
If he loves Eiji, the same thing will happen to Eiji as well. He doesn’t want to see another pure innocent life being taken away because of him. So, Ash tried his best to push those feelings away.
He succeeded,
But the way of the Japanese boy looking at him with such fondness, it’s hard for him to push his feelings for too long. He needed to be away from the boy.
But when he was away from Eiji, he felt so restless and worried. Especially when Eiji was kidnapped by Dino. After seeing Eiji again in Dino’s torture chamber, he felt so relieved. The love of his life is safe and sound but unfortunately, Dino knew that Ash sees Eiji as someone who is precious to him. That is bad.
Dino was planning to break Eiji so he could break and torture Ash mentally. Ash wouldn’t let that happen. Ash wouldn’t let the same thing happen again. No more.
Ash successfully saved Eiji from Dino’s mansion. When Ash told his boys to bring Eiji back to their hideout, Eiji told him words that made his heart fluttered.
If I ever lose you too, I’ll go crazy
Come back safely. I’ll be waiting for you, forever.
The word forever . He really loves that word a lot. Especially when it comes from Eiji. He remembered when he was crying on Eiji’s lap. He asked Eiji to stay by his side, even if it’s only just for now but Eiji, he promised him forever.
What does that mean? Does Eiji likes him as well? Ash will never know. He doesn’t want to know how Eiji feels about him. He doesn’t want to have high hopes. Love is not for him, being in a relationship is not for him.
As he spent more time with him, living in the apartment which Ash bought using Dino’s money that he stole, he slowly but surely falls deeply in love with Eiji. Even Max realised that. Max was really supportive of Ash’s feelings for Eiji. Like a dad who’s being supportive of his son. Once, Max asked Ash whether he’s going to confess to Eiji or not but Ash told him he’s not planning to. He’s going to let it slip away. He doesn’t deserve to love anyone.
Max disagreed with him. “Everyone deserves to love someone, Ash. Even if you’re a street gang leader.” Max said. “You don’t understand, old man. You don’t.”
If he tells Eiji that he likes him, if he tells Eiji that he wants Eiji to be his forever, Eiji is going to die. He is going to get killed.
“That’s really stupid of you to think of that.” Max said, pointing his fork towards Ash. “Listen to me. Whatever happened in the past, let that be your lesson. You’re all grown up now and you’re more powerful than you were before. You can protect him from anyone. Weren’t you the one who told me that you can protect him better than us?” Max winked at him. Max was right. Ash said that to Max once but now he wasn’t sure about it. It would be better if Eiji goes back to Japan.
He should send him back and plus, he had to settle things with Arthur.
So, he bought the tickets to Japan for both Ibe and Eiji but of course, Eiji didn’t get on the plane.
Fast forward to the time when Eiji saved him from Dino, that really made his heart bloomed a lot.
Eiji, a cute and innocent looking boy who has a fiery burning bravery in him. Eiji, a person who always showed him gentle love.
He wanted Eiji all to himself. He wanted Eiji to love him and only him but he didn’t deserve Eiji’s love at all. Eiji will end up hurting if they’re in a relationship.
But what if he and Eiji are together after this madness ends? That would be a great idea but then again, Ash is a murderer.
Ash sat on the window sill, staring out the window. He turned around as he felt a presence in the room. A light brunet man stood there with a cheeky grin on his face. That was Max.
Ash turned around and huffed. “What is it, old man?” He asked. “You look like you’re lost in thoughts. Are you okay?” Max asked as he walked closely to Ash. “It’s none of ya business.” Ash sighed. Damn, this old man can go stick his nose somewhere else!
“Thinking about Eiji, huh?” Max leaned on the wall. Ash looked at him confusingly and then he turned away. “Ash, remember what I told you? You deserve to love someone. You deserve to be happy with someone.” This talk again. Ash is sick of it when Max tried to give him the love talk. Max is not even his dad! … Well, sorta. He sees Max as his dad. He didn’t want to fully admit it.
“Max, Eiji deserves someone better than me. I’m a whore, a murderer. I won’t bring happiness to him except danger!” Ash said. “Stop with that thoughts of yours! How are you going to be happy?” Max turned around, looking so pissed.
“I don’t deserve to be happy, old man. You know that, don’t you?” Ash turned to look out of the window. Max sighed. He ruffled his hair out of frustration. It’s really hard for him to deal with a teenager who’s self-loathing. Well, this is a good practice for him. What if Michael turned out like Ash? Angsty, self-loathing teenager.
“Kid, I used to be like you too. Heck, I was in the army remember? I used to call myself a murderer and I used to think that I don’t deserve to love anyone but look at me now. Married and I have a son. I love them so much.” Max said. He scratched his head when Ash didn’t answer him nor did he even look at Max. “Here’s my suggestion, you should confess to him now and after all of this is done, be together with him and escape this life. I can help you with making fake passport and ID for you. I’ll help you with the identity change.” Max sighed when Ash didn’t say anything again. He walked away, “Do whatever you want, kid. Don’t regret if Eiji starts to date a guy or a girl after this ends.” Max said as he walked out of the room.
Max is right… If I don’t take action now, someone will steal Eiji away from me but… he deserves to be with someone who is better than me. Ash laughed dryly at his thoughts. That’s it. He’s going to try his best to tell himself that Eiji is nothing but a friend. Nothing more than that.
His thoughts were interrupted by someone calling out for him. He turned around to see Bones, standing at the doorway. “Yo, boss. Eiji is looking for you.” He said. Ash stood up from his seat and wondered what does Eiji wants from him or perhaps… Did something happen to Eiji? Nah, that’s impossible. They’re safe in this hideout, for now before Foxx finds them and ruins their peacefulness.
But still, Ash started to get worried. Eiji might be a bit sick. Who knows! Damn Ash and his overthinking. He cared too much about Eiji until it made him overthink and panic.
Ash walked downstairs to meet up with Eiji. Thankfully, Eiji was fine. He’s boiling water. Maybe he wanted to chat with Ash while drinking boiled mineral water. Ash approached Eiji, “Eiji?”
The raven head turned around and smiled at him. Goddamn that smile. An angelic smile. A sweet smile, sweeter than any candies you can find. The smile that always makes Ash’s heart beats so fast and blushes creep on his cheeks.
“Ash! I’m boiling water right now. Can I spend some time with you after this?” Eiji asked. Ash smirked at him, “You shouldn’t ask if you want to spend time with me.” He said. “Just call my name and I’ll be there. You know, like what Charlie Puth said, I’m only one call away~” Ash sang on the last words of his sentence. He received a chuckle from Eiji. “Oh, Ash. I have to ask you though. You seemed busy with planning and everything.” Eiji said as he took the kettle off the stove.
He placed two mugs on the table and poured the water into the mugs. Ash sat on the chair and took a sip from the mug. Eiji sat in front of him, “Anyway, how’s everything?” Eiji asked. Ash groaned, “Like you’ve said, I was busy. This is sorta like the final battle for us so, yeah. I was busy and stressed out. Can’t wait for this shit to ends.” Ash shrugged.
Eiji chuckled a bit and then he became quiet. “After this ends… Will you go to Japan with me?” Eiji looked at him with soft eyes. His eyes were filled with hope. Hoping Ash would say yes. Ash wanted to but if he follows Eiji to Japan, will Eiji be safe around him? Ash’s enemies might follow them to Japan.
He then remembered what Max told him, here’s my suggestion, you should confess to him now and after all of this is done, be together with him and escape this life. I can help you with making fake passport and ID for you. I’ll help you with identity change.
Will that works though? Will that helps him to live happily with Eiji? What if it fails? What if his enemies followed them to Japan and killed Eiji? That's not what he wants. He doesn't want to put Eiji in danger. Not anymore.
"Ash?"
Ash blinked as a hand waved in front of him. He blinked again to look at Eiji, who was looking at him with a concerned look. "Are you okay?" He asked with a concerned tone. Ash felt bad now for making him concern. He felt worse when he thought of his answer to Eiji. It's not like he doesn't want to go to Japan. He does but he'll bring danger to Eiji. "I know what you're thinking." Ash looked at Eiji who is now looking at his mug with his hands clamped together. His expression changed to disappointment. That's not what Ash wanted from him.
"You were probably thinking that you'll bring danger to me if we go to Japan…" Eiji went silent. "But you're wrong!" He slammed the table. "You'll be safe in Japan! I will be safe with you around! Stop overthinking, Ash. You need to be free from here!" Eiji exclaimed. Ash looked at him with wide eyes. Again, being yelled at by Eiji. Eiji is right about him overthinking but Ash couldn't help it. It's part of him. Overthinking is not bad overall. What if bad things happen? It's good to think ahead of time.
Eiji calmed down and sat back on his seat. "But if you don't want then, I can't force you…" Eiji said with disappointment. Ash felt guilty now. "Eiji, it's not like I don't want to but… Like you said, I'm scared that I might bring danger with me." He said. Eiji shook his head, "Nobody can bring weapons in Japan."
"You never know."
Eiji frowned. Anger written all over his face and he slammed the table again, "Why are you always like this? Stop doubting yourself! No danger will follow you once we're done with this! Stop over thinking!!" Ash clenched his fist. Why is it hard for people to understand his situation? It's impossible, merely impossible for him to be happy. To be free from this life, to have someone as his partner in life…
Ash slammed the table as well after he lost his patience, "Listen, Eiji! Everyone who is close to me, everyone who I love will die. I have a lot of enemies and they WILL try their best to ruin my life. I CAN'T live normally anymore. This IS my destiny so understand my situation!!" He yelled. Eiji sat back on his seat, staring at Ash. Ash continued, "I do want to go to Japan! Hell, I DO want to be with you forever. Fuck, Eiji. I love you so much. You won't understand my feelings for you! It's more than friends. I want to hug you, kiss you and make you mine but I can't!! I can't do what normal people can do!!" Ash yelled.
That's it. He confessed everything. He bet that Eiji will find him disturbing. Sometimes he wonders if Eiji is into guys or not. Especially him, a murderer and a prostitute.
He looked at Eiji, who is looking at with his round brown eyes opened wide.
Right… Eiji finds him disturbing. He can feel it.
"Forget what I've said." Ash started walking past him but Eiji stopped him by grabbing his wrist. That made Ash jump a bit. What does Eiji wants from him? Maybe Eiji is going to reject him? Possibly.
He stood straight in front of the Japanese boy, watching him as Eiji turned to face him with soft eyes and… Is he blushing?
Eiji let go off Ash's wrist and he looked at Ash with a shy expression. Why is he looking at Ash like that? Embarrassed because a guy confessed to him? Has Eiji told him about his sexuality? Ash assumed that Eiji is bisexual… Maybe right now, he wants to tell him that he's straight so there's no way in hell that Eiji is going to return his feelings back? That's probably the case then.
Eiji opened his mouth for a bit before closing but then he opened it again, "I… I didn't know you feel the same way too." What?! But I thought you were going to reject me! "H-Huh?"
"Ash, I do have feelings for you. I love you too… I want us to be together, that's also the reason why I want to bring you to Japan… So, we can have a peaceful life… Away from violence and guns." Eiji said. Ash couldn't believe his ears. Did Eiji really confessed his feelings to Ash? So, Eiji has feelings for him? This is probably a dream. An awful dream.
"This is not a dream, Ash. This is reality."
Ash looked at Eiji, who is still looking at him with a shy expression. Ash started laughing, not even a sincere laugh or a content laugh. A disappointment perhaps.
"Sad for us then. There's no way for us to be together." He said, pushing away his bangs which were covering his eyes. Darn, he needs a haircut.
"Stop saying that!" Eiji held onto his hands and looked at him with a determined look. "Can we at least give it a try? I don't want to give up on you that easily… Ash, I love you so much. I want to be with you… I really do." He said. "I know we can make this work. Here's an idea! after all of this ends, let's give it a try!" Eiji exclaimed. He's really determined about this. He wants to make it work, he knows this will work but he wants Ash to agree with him.
Ash stayed in silence. He didn't know what to reply because he knew this will never end. Even if Foxx or Dino or both of them are dead, there will be people who will look for Ash and trying to pick a fight with him or perhaps, declaring a gang war. If only Eiji can understand him and his situation…
"I can't, Eiji. Even when this is all over, I still have people out there looking for me and try to mess with me. I don't want them to use you in order to get to me… You're not safe with me, Eiji. It's better if you… find someone else." Ash doesn't want to give up on Eiji but he has to. Eiji doesn't belong to his world. He doesn't Eiji to get harmed or killed. He will never forgive himself if anything happens to Eiji.
Eiji tightened his grip on Ash's hand, "I don't want to give up on you… Please! We'll make this work for us. Ash… I really love you. I want to show you happiness, peace and joy."
"I've already known how that feels, Eiji. All thanks to you."
"Yes but I want you to permanently live with happiness and peace. Please… Ash."
There's no way he can push Eiji away… This boy is so determined and it made Ash give up on pushing him away. Ash sighed… He should do something for him to run away from this life. Maybe he should take Max's offer. Creating a fake ID and passport and then run away to Japan with Eiji or maybe… another country? There's so much he can do with a fake ID.
"Alright." Ash sighed, "We'll make this work after this ends. I do want to go to Japan with you, Eiji." Ash said with a tiny smile. Eiji looked at him. He slowly brightened up. His brown eyes are sparkling from excitement and joy. "Promise?" Eiji asked.
Ash rested his forehead on Eiji's, which made the Japanese boy flushed. "Promise." He rested his hands on Eiji's waist. Maybe… This isn't a bad idea after all. He can make this work. He totally can. Once he has a fake ID, he can live normally.
"Eiji… Can I kiss you?"
Eiji chuckled, "I don't know. Can you?" Both of them laughed happily.
They slowly leaned on each other and kissed each other's lips tenderly. Eiji wrapped his arms around Ash's neck, pulling him closer.
The kiss… It felt so nice.It felt like Ash was sent to cloud nine or it felt like Ash and Eiji are kissing in a garden surrounded with roses, colourful butterflies and doves happily chirping. It’s like violence doesn't exist for them… It’s like they’re not kissing in an abandoned apartment, hiding from some mercenaries.
Once they pulled away, both of them looked each other in the eye. Brown meets green. Both of them melted into each other’s eyes.
“So… What are we now?” Eiji asked. Ash looked down sadly, “It’s better if we call each other friends and hide our relationship from everyone else.”
“Right. I understand.” Eiji said with a smile. Ash looked at him slowly. He’s really glad that Eiji understands why they have to do this. Most of the time, Eiji wouldn’t listen to him, so this is a good change.
“Promise me that we will work this out after all of this end?” Eiji asked. Ash gave him a soft smile. A reassuring one. “Yes.”
“Pinky promise?”
Ash chuckled, “Pinky promise.”
So the plan is after this whole ordeal is done, Ash will retire from becoming a gang leader or maybe create a fake news where he died and then Max will help him to make a fake ID and a passport and then he can go to Japan with Eiji. He’s planning to settle there with Eiji.
That’s the plan and it will work for them.
That’s what they thought.