Work Text:
December 15. 1:15pm.
Rhooodey: Wanna do me a giant favor?
ThottyStark: probably not, but what’s the sitch?
Rhooodey: What’s the sitch, lil kim possible ass.
ThottyStark: Rhodithan.
Rhooodey: Smh okay.
Rhooodey: Told my sister I was dating someone.
Rhooodey: They told me to bring someone to Christmas.
Rhooodey: Please come in with the assist.
ThottyStark: you want me to pretend to be your boyfriend so you don’t have to tell kimmy that you’re a dirty liar
Rhooodey: Yep. That’s about it.
Rhooodey: Also don’t want my mom to get that Look where she’s Worried about me.
ThottyStark: not the Mama Rhodes Look
Rhooodey: That one.
December 15. 5:47pm.
Rhooodey: I know I agreed to let you have wavelength over the apartment for 24 hours as a part of Negotiations.
Rhoodey: But.
Rhooodey: We’ve been listening to the Monster Mash for four hours now. Please, I’m begging you, play something else!
ThottyStark: Tough tiddies.
Rhooodey: Stop using capitals and periods, it makes me think you’re mad.
Rhooodey: Yes, I know that’s how I text.
ThottyStark: smh
ThottyStark: halloween year round, babey!!
ThottyStark: oh shit what petnames am i gonna call you by
Rhooodey: You have called me Babe six times in the past three days.
ThottyStark: okay and
ThottyStark: what are you, a cop? fuck off
ThottyStark: what am i gonna call you tho
ThottyStark: what do you want your parents to think you’re okay with being called
ThottyStark: babe? sweetie? sweetheart? shnookums?
Rhooodey: Definitely not shnookums.
Rhooodey: We want them to think I’m in a relationship, not bodysnatched.
ThottyStark: okay, sweetie
Rhooodey: You’re gross.
Rhooodey: Come to the living room so we can have this talk and cuddle.
ThottyStark: PUTTING ON A SHIRT
Rhooodey: Ew, why?
ThottyStark: don’t wanna put on my binder and putting on a bra is not an option rn
Rhooodey: Alrighty.
ThottyStark: dweeb
December 16. 11:19am.
ThottyStark: but like
ThottyStark: do we “break up” after this??
ThottyStark: bc im not risking my relationship with ur mom over this ngl
Rhooodey: My mom would pick you anyway lmao.
ThottyStark: i mean correct
ThottyStark: but i don’t wanna make her choose
Rhooodey: How about we burn that bridge when we get there, Tones?
ThottyStark: don’t you mean cross?
Rhooodey: Wouldn’t you like to know, weather boy?
ThottyStark: i hate this
December 20. 2:36pm.
Tonyana: i think im dying pep
Pepperoncinis: no you’re just gay
Tonyana: yeah maybe
Tonyana: this is torture
Tonyana: im in love with him
Tonyana: i just got the talk from his brother and sister
Tonyana: but they trust me with him
Pepperoncinis: of course they do
Pepperoncinis: you’re obviously too gay and stupid to hurt him
Tonyana: okay hurtful but accurate
Pepperoncinis: it’s who i am
Tonyana: tea.
Pepperoncinis: go mingle, demon child
Tonyana: homophobia
Pepperoncinis: i’m a lesbian tony
Tonyana: ugh yeah
Pepperoncinis: go mingle
Tonyana: fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine
Pepperoncinis: love you
Tonyana: love you too smh
December 20. 8:22pm.
Tonyana: kimmy just asked rhodey when he’s gonna pop the question
Tonyana: tell me why he looked SOFT AS FUCK
Tonyana: and told her “i wanna wait til we graduate, but as soon as possible after that”
Pepperoncinis: because you guys are gay and i’m exhausted?
Pepperoncinis: because he’s been in love with you for like 5 years?
Pepperoncinis: because you two exist in a gay bubble in which you’re the only people in the universe?
Pepperoncinis: because it’s eight pm and i was already in bed?
Tonyana: now we don’t have time to unpack ALL of that
Pepperoncinis: of course we don’t
Pepperoncinis: i can’t unpack all of your emotional baggage
Pepperoncinis: i just want to go to sleep
Tonyana: i
Tonyana: alright
Tonyana: goodnight pep i love you
Pepperoncinis: night tones
Pepperoncinis: love you
December 21. 3:43pm.
Tonyana: he just kissed me under the mistletoe
Pepperoncinis: mazel tov
Tonyana: what does this mean
Pepperoncinis: jesus fucking fuck
December 25. 5:54am.
Tonyana: he just woke me up to take me on a Christmas Walk
Pepperoncinis: and you had to wake me up for that?
Tonyana: pepper what does any of this mean
Pepperoncinis: can you get your gay head out of your gay ass
Tonyana: pls im stupid
Pepperoncinis: you’re a genius, but you’re so dumb
Pepperoncinis: okay
Pepperoncinis: so when a boy loves a boy very much
Tonyana: shuuuuuuuuuuuuuut up
Pepperoncinis: go enjoy yourself smh you gay trainwreck
December 29. 6:57pm.
Pepperoncinis: fuck you for convincing me to live in the same building as you and rhodes
Pepperoncinis: tho i suppose i’d be a little late to that particular party
December 29. 7:45pm.
Pepperoncinis: the stamina on rhodey
Pepperoncinis: goddamn
December 29. 9:15pm.
Tonyana: still not sure what we are lmao
Pepperoncinis: are you fucking kidding me?
December 29. 9:27pm.
PepperfuckingPotts: Can you please tell Tony you’re dating?
JamesfuckingRhodes: I just fucked him.
PepperfuckingPotts: Yeah, because no one has ever fucked him and left him.
JamesfuckingRhodes: Shit.
PepperfuckingPotts: What did you do?
JamesfuckingRhodes: Leave the apartment while he was in the shower to go grab dinner?
PepperfuckingPotts: You’re both a fucking trainwreck.
December 29. 9:30pm.
Rhooodey: I’m just going to get dinner, I didn’t like… leave-leave.
ThottyStark: oh thank fuck
ThottyStark: thank you for averting that half of an anxiety attack htrgsewrgt
Rhooodey: I’ll be back soon, baby, I promise.
Rhooodey: And thank Pepper, I didn’t even think about it.
Rhooodey: I love you and I’ll be back in a minute.
ThottyStark: love you too
December 29. 9:32pm.
Tonyana: you are better than any of us deserve
Pepperoncinis: i know this
Pepperoncinis: but srsly quite down when y’all fuck or i’m calling the landlord
Tonyana: pep i own the building
Pepperoncinis: yea i’ll call your aunt peggy
Tonyana: dtrh5wyt4wgrethjrykjthrsb
Tonyana: why don’t you love me as you once did
Pepperoncinis: you mean when i was trying to pretend i was str8?
Pepperoncinis: bc that’s a no from me
Tonyana: rgthytdhtgr
Tonyana: shut up
Pepperoncinis: keyboard smash keyboard smash
Pepperoncinis: we get it you’re a bottom
Tonyana: S T O P
Tonyana: where is rhodey, he’ll be nice to me
Pepperoncinis: goin to get you dinner, little needy ass
Pepperoncinis: smh kids these days
Tonyana: the audacity
Pepperoncinis: i can hear him coming up the stairwell
Pepperoncinis: get fucked!!
Tonyana: i’ll do my best!!!