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Adam returned to the Barns late.
He’d taken the BMW to work hours earlier after Ronan tossed the keys to him. “Drive safe,” he’d said. Even now, in the darkness, with starlight and moonlight striping the grass, he smiled when thinking about Ronan’s words. Ronan Lynch—racer of fast cars, dreamer of strange object, tamer of a multitude of farm animals—had told him to drive safe . It outweighed any… anxieties, the night may have brought. He grappled with them now, trying to push them away and enjoy the rest of the night.
He opened the front door, then stepped inside. Opal was nowhere to be seen, and the lights were out. Adam stepped out of his jeans, leaving them strewn on the kitchen floor, then his shirt—leaving that in the hallway, hoping Opal didn’t eat it—before going into Ronan’s room. He lingered in the doorway for a moment. Ronan laid in the bed with the blankets half-covering him, eyes closed and chest bare, his head tipped back and throat exposed. His headphones curved over his ears. In the moonlight, he looked ethereal, lovely, and Adam almost couldn’t stand it. He’d be leaving, soon—not forever, but for a substantial amount of time. Ronan would stay here.
That, though, was not a problem for tonight.
He settled onto his side of the bed. Ronan’s eyes fluttered open. They were very blue, very innocent when he didn’t have the opportunity to school his expression. Adam loved him for that.
“Car’s intact,” Adam said.
“And the world can breathe now,” Ronan replied. “You fill up the tank?”
“Yeah, but I still don’t know why you can’t make the car run on something more efficient.”
“Wishes,” Ronan said sagely.
“Yes, like wi— no . No , like clean energy.”
“The experience, Parrish. You know gas gets me going.”
“That’s awful.” Even as he said it, though, Adam couldn’t fully admonish him. He’d been a pretty active participant on nights where he came back from Boyd’s smelling like gasoline and the garage. Adam settled onto the bed next to him, pushing his knees into Ronan’s thighs.
Ronan arched an eyebrow, his lips curving into a smirk. Adam could’ve left it. Instead, he said, “I saw my father.” He didn’t know why he said it, only that if he hadn’t, the words would’ve been lodged in his throat all night. Ronan instantly stiffened. “At the, uh, gas station.”
“Well, la-dee-freaking-dah ,” Ronan said, finally opening his eyes. “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. At least we know the bastard is still kicking. Did he see the BMW?”
“Think so.” His father had stared at the car, a hardened expression on his face. Robert Parrish knew Ronan drove that car; he knew what Adam driving it meant. Adam knew that Robert Parrish knew Ronan drove that car; Adam knew that his father knew what Adam driving it meant. It was a never-ending cycle of unspoken slights. His father would never dare to hit him now. Adam knew that. It didn’t change that seeing him made him feel… younger. Infinitely younger.
“He talk to you?” Ronan asked.
Adam flushed. “Ronan—”
“So he talked to you.”
“He asked about you. Where I was staying. Told him I had to get home.”
“And what did you say?”
“I said that you were fine. That I was staying with you. And before you ask, he didn’t have much to say to that. He’d rather die than admit we’re together.”
Ronan swore under his breath before asking, “Did he touch you?”
“I don’t think he’d dare.”
“Hmm.” Ronan tipped his head back against the pillow and closed his eyes. Adam propped himself onto one elbow and watched him. Ronan frowned. “Take a picture. It’ll last longer.”
“Have anything else to say?”
“I would’ve fucking smashed his head against the ground.”
“Lynch, violence won’t—”
“It sure as hell stopped him that night.” Ronan gaze finally met Adam’s.
Adam remembered the BMW headlights, Ronan grappling with Robert Parrish in the dust, knowing that he couldn’t be the reason Ronan’s life was ruined, even if at that point, Ronan seemed determined to do so.
“I hate him. Do you think about that night? Because I do, all the time.” Ronan’s voice was thick with emotion. “Understand? I was… you were so… you were…” His mouth twisted into a severe line. “He hit you so fucking hard that you lost hearing. You weren’t moving, and he was yelling, and I just thought… I just… Jesus, Adam, Jesus fuck . Do you understand where I’m coming from?” He scrubbed his hand over his face. “I couldn’t watch him kill you. He would’ve fucking killed you.”
Years ago, Adam never would’ve thought Ronan Lynch to be capable of emotion like this. Ronan was crumbling, right in front of him. Adam touched his face. They could go around and around on this topic—and they had. Tonight, though, he couldn’t, not with so little time before he would leave for Harvard. He kissed Ronan’s forehead softly, wanting to pull him back together.
“Will you…” Adam exhaled. “Will you hold me? Please?”
Ronan’s face crumpled. Wordlessly, he pulled Adam into his arms. He settled his head into the crook of Ronan's neck, smelling his soap and aftershave. Ronan was solid underneath him. His arms were bare; without the leather bracelets, his scars were raised against Adam's back. He wouldn't have this at Harvard. Nothing even close. He never thought he'd miss anything from Henrietta, but the thought of not having Ronan there to hold him on nights like these was a knife to the chest. Want was a foreign language, but he was becoming fluent. He wanted to have both, Henrietta and Harvard. To make sure Ronan dreamt. To be held. To be with Ronan.
“I hate what he did to you,” Ronan whispered, a confession. “I hate him. I hate that you have to see him.”
“I know.”
Ronan brought his hand to cup the side of Adam’s face; his fingers trailed over his deaf ear, like he could will hearing back into it. Knowing Ronan, he’d probably tried to dream a cure.
“I feel like something new is starting.” Ronan sounded angry. Adam knew better. “I can fucking feel it. I want to keep you away from it. I just want you to be safe, but I’ll never been safe. That means you’ll never be safe.” He tightened his hold on Adam. “It isn’t too late for you to forget all this. It could’ve just been a really weird dream. You could tell people you did a shitload of LSD or fell into a coma if you accidentally mentioned this.”
“ Ronan .” He knew Ronan hated when he said his name but meant something else, but what was Adam supposed to say? That he’d never be able to forget magic, to forget Cabeswater? That if he tried, he’d spent the rest of his years stifled by a necktie, chasing a high that he would never find again? That leaving would mean ignoring that Ronan existed, pretending he didn’t know what it felt like to be wrapped up in each other? That it would kill him? Maybe, just maybe, he could say all that, but before he could begin, Ronan raised Adam’s fingers to his lips.
It was Ronan’s turn to say, “I know.”
“You don’t,” Adam replied. “I can’t lose you. You have to know that.” Adam pressed his lips to his collarbone and nestled further into his side. “After everything, you have to.”
Ronan sniffled.
Adam exhaled. He hadn’t meant to make tonight like this. “Ronan,” he murmured. This time, he really meant Ronan . He needed Ronan to know how much he meant to him. How much he looked forward to coming home to him. How much…
How much he loved him.
“I’ll have to tell you more, huh?” Adam said. “You’re everything.”
Ronan sniffled again, but then he laughed, and Adam knew it was okay. “Talk dirty to me, baby.”
He shifted, then his lips were on Adam’s. Adam arched his back into him as Ronan moved atop him, slotting his thigh between Adam’s legs, his arms around Adam’s back and hand snaking up to Adam’s neck. For a few minutes, his reality was only Ronan’s hands on him, Ronan’s mouth, Ronan’s small noises. They curled into each other afterwards, nose to nose. Ronan grinned.
“Hot damn,” Ronan said. “You know, they said things change after kids, but Opal’s here and we’re just fine, and—”
Adam giggled into Ronan’s chest, content. “I meant what I said, though. I love you.” He’d always talked his way around the phrase, but tonight, he needed Ronan to know for sure.
Ronan’s smile softened, gentle. “And I love you.”
They laid together in bed, the rest of the world seeming miles away.