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He's pretty sure he loves her.
Bellamy hasn't loved anyone like this.
He never knew his father. And his mother never married.
Bellamy loved Octavia and his mother. But it wasn't like this.
Loving Clarke was indescribable. It felt warm and light. It felt like coming home.
But Bellamy hadn't told her, or anyone for that matter.
Life was too complicated to focus on things like love.
Clarke was desperately trying to forge a treaty with a grounder clan.
He was trying to build some stable buildings for winter.
He tried not to think of love because love made him think of his family.
(His mother, dead and gone. Octavia, not dead but still just as gone.)
*
Home was a foreign concept to Bellamy.
The only home he had was gone.
The first camp was home because Octavia was with him. But now, with only 22 people left of the original 100, the ocean didn't feel like home. It felt tempory.
He longed for the first camp, for the Ark, for something.
For something that felt permeant.
(He's pretty sure Clarke is permeant.)
*
"How do you think the Ark is doing?" Clarke asked quietly one night in their tent.
Bellamy is lying on his back in his bed. Clarke is on her bed, lying on her side, facing him.
Bellamy turned toward her.
"They're probably fine, they're strong, stronger than we were in the beginning," he said, not really believing his own words.
"You really think the Mountain Men left them alone?" she said almost harshly.
"I don't know Clarke," he said softly
Clarke turned onto her back, "We were wrong to leave. But we couldn't stay. Not with the way things were and what they were going to be," she said, her voice thick with tears.
He didn't ask what she meant, he just moved off his bed and sat on hers, pulling her into his lap. Her arms wrapped themselves around his neck, he put his arms around her waist. She pressed her nose into his neck.
He felt her tears roll down her face and onto his skin.
"We left them there to die," Clarke whispered, "And we didn't look back."
He shushed her and tightened his grip around her waist, he pressed his lips to her forehead.
He forgets, sometimes, most of the time, that Clarke is only 18. She seems so much older and wiser. Than again he feels much older than 23. It felt like he had been alive, and has lived though, so much. It seemed like years ago that he hated Clarke, it seemed like eons ago since his mother died.
In reality, they had been on earth for barely six months. And his mother has only been dead for two years.
Bellamy eventually laid them down her bed, they fell asleep like that, all wrapped up in each other.
*
He knew something happened between Clarke and her mother before they left. She had never told him, but he knows something happened between them, something that made Clarke not doubt their choice to leave.
He almost asked once, shortly after the beach.
But when he went to open his mouth, the words couldn't form.
*
The grounder clan accepted their treaty, to Clarke's relief and surprise.
"It's only a peace treaty and trading agreement," she told him.
"It's a start Princess," he said, "Now, at least, we can actually start making this camp more permeant."
It was weird to think of the ocean as home, as something that was meant to last longer than a few months.
*
He really should have expected it.
It was in Clarke's nature, in fact he should have been surprised that it took her this long to mention it.
"I want to go back to the Ark survivors, I need to know if any of them are still alive," Clarke told him early one morning.
"And what if they're all dead, Princess? What if the Mountian Men took them? It takes at least three weeks to get back there. We wouldn't know if there was trouble until it would be too late," he said.
"It doesn't matter. If they are alive, we can't just leave them there! It's safer here, the food is easier to access, it's better here," Clarke argued.
"Who would we even send? We only have 22 people here," he said tiredly.
"I'll go, I'll take two other people," Clarke said.
"I am not letting you go, I can't let you do that. I won't let you do that," he said sternly.
"We need to know, I need to know," Clarke said.
"Fine, then I am coming with you," he responded.
Clarke shook her head, "You can't. There has to be a leader here."
"Then why don't I go?" he said even though he knows her answer.
"I need to do this, please understand that," she said quietly.
He sighed, "If something happens to you, I don't know what I would do. Please promise me that you'll be careful."
She smiled slightly and grasped his face in her hands. He wrapped his hands around her wrists
"I'll be fine, I promise I'll be careful," she said softly.
She pressed her lips softly underneath his jaw.
"It'll be fine," she whispered.
*
They told the rest of them that night.
Raven immediately volunteered to go. And as soon as Raven did, so did Finn.
It was decided that they would leave at first light.
Bellamy didn't like it, and he wasn't trying to hide his opinion about it.
*
Bellamy watched Clarke sleep, he couldn't sleep, not knowing that this was the last night.
She looked cleaner than when they were at the first camp. Her hair was blonder, but her skin was still pale.
"Are you going to sleep or are you just going to stare at me all night?" Clarke mumbled.
He laughed softly, "I think I'll just stare."
"Well please, don't let me interrupt," Clarke said as she sat up, her blankets falling into her lap.
Bellamy smiled at her.
He should tell her, it might be the last time he ever sees her again. He wanted to tell her.
He needed to tell her.
"I have something to tell you," he took a deep breath and started to say, "Clarke, I lov-"
"Don't. Don't say it now," she interrupted almost achingly.
"I need you to hear it now, you might not come back. I need you to know," he said intently
"I know, Bellamy, I know. You don't need to tell me anything," she said.
Her blue eyes were wide, her hands were clasped tightly together.
She walked over to his bed and crawled over to him.
"Please stop acting like I am going off to die," she said softly, "We already did that."
He doesn't like remembering the fight with the grounders. And he knows she doesn't like remembering the Mountain Men.
He grabbed her arm and pulled her closer.
She laced their fingers together and pressed her forehead against his.
"I can't lose you too," he whispered.
He already lost his mother and Octavia. He couldn't handle it if Clarke died. He needed her, he needed her so much it was almost pathetic.
"You won't, I'll be back before you know it," she whispered back.
He doubted it.
*
He should have at least kissed her, he thought the next day.
As soon as Clarke, Raven and Finn were out of sight, it was all he could think about.
Why didn't I kiss her, he thought.
(Probably because somewhere in his mind, he thought if he kissed her, she would for sure die.)
*
Bellamy kept track of the days.
He estimated it would take them three weeks to get there.
Maybe a week with the Ark suvivors, then it would probably take four weeks to get back.
Eight weeks. Two months. It wasn't that long.
He could wait, it was going to be fine.
*
Two and a half months later, they still weren't back yet.
Bellamy tried not to worry. But everyone else seemed to see through whatever front he had.
He wondered how long he would have to wait before he could send out a search party.
*
Three months after Clarke and the rest left, they came back.
It was late afternoon, Bellamy had been working on some of the cabins for winter when he heard the guard on the wall yell.
Bellamy dropped what he was doing and ran to the gate.
He heard Jasper and Miller behind him, but he didn't even focus on them.
He saw Clarke's familiar blonde hair, leading a group of about 20, Bellamy met the group half way.
Clarke was in the lead, Bellamy noticed that Raven and Finn were in the back. He didn't bother looking at anyone else, he just needed to see Clarke.
Clarke grinned at him, she opened her mouth to say something but Bellamy grasped her face in his hands and slanted his mouth over hers.
He felt her smile before she started to kiss him back.
They broke apart together, Bellamy's hands still cupping Clarke's face.
Clarke put her hands on top of his. She brought both of their hands down and threaded their fingers.
"Welcome home, Princess," he said to her quietly.
She smiled at him.
*
The Ark only had 24 suvivors.
Amoung them was Abby Griffin.
*
Bellamy was trying to find the Ark suvivors tents with Miller when Abby came up to him.
"I almost didn't recognized you, Bellamy," she told him, "You seem different. Happier even.
Bellamy shrugged and continued working with Miller.
"How long have you and Clarke been involved?" She asked with a careful calm voice.
Before Bellamy could say or do anything, Miller snorted, "They have been involved since we arrived on the ground."
Bellamy saw Abby stiffen. He sent Miller off to make more tents for the night.
Once Miller left, he folded his arms over his chest.
"Just say it," he said.
"I was under the impression that you two weren't involved like that," she said stiffly.
"I don't think it's any of your business what Clarke and I are to each other," he said.
"She's my daughter, of course it's my business!" Abby said angrily.
"Than why don't you go talk to her about this? Why me?" he responded in the same manner.
That shut Abby Griffin up.
*
Clarke had decided that they would give up one of the beds in their tent.
"It's no big deal. We have very limited supplies, it only makes sense," she said blushing slightly.
Bellamy grinned at her and said, "Sure, Princess. Whatever you say."
Her blush deepened, "Shut up, Bellamy,"
Bellamy laughed and swung his arm around her shoulders.
Bellamy pretended that he didn't feel the weight of Abby's stare on his back.
*
Bellamy and Clarke continued sharing a bed though the winter.
After Abby first confronted Bellamy, she stayed away from both of them. Most of the Ark survivors flocked together, Abby and Kane were always going to be their leaders.
Clarke avoided her mother but it was taking a toll on her. Especially since the line between Ark survivors and the 100 was becoming more divided.
"It wasn't suppose to be like this," Clarke said one night as Bellamy undressed, "We were suppose to come together, not be so separate."
Bellamy shrugged, "I've talked to Monty, his parents are here, he said his parents say Abby and Kane are reluctant to join us fully because of the fact we are all criminals."
Clarke snorted, "Sure, that's why."
Bellamy frowned, "Do you know something I don't?"
Clarke bit her lip, "My mother doesn't like you."
"That I know, Princess."'
"She thinks that you shouldn't be a leader, that you are too dangerous to new society. She wanted me to banish you, or at least get rid of your power."
Bellamy wasn't surprised, "That's why you wanted to leave so bad after the Mountain Men and everything. She told you the night you came back."
Clarke nodded, "I knew it then. But I thought she would have changed her mind about you, after being on earth for a while."
Bellamy looked at Clarke, she was tired, he could tell. Her hair was a mess and dark circles seemed to live under her eyes.
"Clarke, this doesn't change anything," he said softly, "I am not leaving, your mother can't make me. This just means that we have to protect ourselves first."
"It wasn't suppose to be like this," Clarke muttered, "It was suppose to be better here."
Bellamy didn't bother responding.
*
Life went on.
Abby and Kane still kept themselves separated from the 100. But it was slowly getting better. Most of the young families started to join the 100, at least they started to accept them.
They built little huts for the next winter. Clarke has started a medical hut with her mother. Bellamy and Kane slowly started to build up a guard, just in case they had problems with grounders again.
Bellamy still thought of Octavia, he wished she was here. He wanted so badly to search all of earth for her but he couldn't, not yet.
He needed to be here, he needed to protect his people.
He needed Clarke by his side.
*
He knows he loves her.
He told her, one night when his arm was wrapped around her. He whispered it in her ear, and she said it back.
He once wondered if he would ever have a home again.
Home used to be Octavia. Home still was Octavia, but she wasn't here. One day, Bellamy would find her.
But now, he knows that home is wherever Clarke is.
And he knows it always will be.