Chapter Text
Peter woke up from a loud thud, things falling on the hardwood floor and a scream.
By Wade, his sleep-addled mind told him.
"What the fuck?" Wade asked, voice high-pitched from confusion.
Peter tried not to let his heart sink at that, this has been a daily occurrence in their lives for a year now.
as calmly as he could, he started, "Relax Wade, it's me, Peter.”
“Ch-yeah! Like that answers something, try again doe-eyes!”
Wade's already looking around for a weapon, dammit! Bea and Arthurs nowhere to be seen, no pistons as well.
{he's a hooker maybe?}
“I don't remember hiring a hooker, and he looks too pretty for a hooker,” he answered one of the boxes.
[looks like a jail-bait too] fuck
“Shit, how old are you?" he turned to Peter
There goes the spitfire of questions and the boxes.
Peter started getting up, as slowly as he can because while he loves his Wade, trusts him with his life, he's still Deadpool, the Merc with a mouth, and is the guy you would not want to corner. And he can already tell he's on defense mode.
Wade always feel vulnerable whenever he wakes up the next morning. Peter knows he goes fight or flight when confused and pushed. Peter learned that the hard way.
He turns his back on Wade, and picked up his boxers and started putting it on.
"Wanna have some coffee first before we start the 20 Questions?" Peter asked, "we can talk after that, I promise I'll answer all your questions" He looks back and sees Wade scanning the floor for something,
"Your mask is there," Peter pointed at Wade's left "top drawer, your boxers there too, I washed your suit last night"
He can see Wade's jaw clench, but he reaches behind him, hand scouring while not taking his eyes away from Peter.
He pulled up the mask, putting it on quickly then pulled out boxers and wore that fast too.
Peter smiled at him, it didn't reach his eyes but it was still a soft understanding one.
Wade tried to ignore the small clenching of his heart seeing that.
"Come on, I've got pancakes with your name on it"
In their kitchen, two cups of coffee and a stack of pancakes later, Wade asks
"Ok, I'm ready, hit me. Not hit me-hit me, I don't really feel like fighting, wouldn’t wanna bruise that pretty face too, honestly. Tell me what's going on because I woke up with a stranger in my apartment, I look around my room, my whole place, everything is different!”
Wade picked up the coaster in front of him.
"When the fuck did started using this shit?!"
{are we in a different dimension again?}
[a possibility but no, the op won't be dipping on that cray-cray]
“You weren't scared to see- to see this," Wade makes a vague gesture referring to himself, then continued,
“you know where I put my underwear! And when the fuck did I get a dresser? who are you?"
Peter has long since learned that it's best to use the "rip it off like a band-aid" route with Wade.
He's done this so many times that that's the best strategy to use once he’s got Wade to calm down after the initial panic once he wakes up.
"Alright, well first, I’m 26 so don’t worry. We've been married for three years now, this is our apartment, I know where you put your underwear because I was the one who suggested we buy that dresser in the first place because you just keep your clothes on a laundry basket.
I'm Peter, Wade, your husband, hence why I’m not scared of you"
Wade can't help but laugh at that.
"Y-you, ahahahah, I- what? ahahaha" Wade can't even finish his sentence he's laughing so hard, "Oh-god kid, thank you, thank you. I needed that"
Nothing's gonna be more hysterical than that, and Wade's been in different dimensions and met zombie version of himself so that should fucking say something.
{man this kid is hilarious}
[or a lunatic, hey, is it possible that someone out there is crazier than us?]
It was a three full minutes when Wade can finally get a hold of himself enough to talk without looking like he's gonna burst in laughter.
"You trippin' kid, I'm married to a civie? And three years? Like no offense cutie, you're totes adorbs, and the doe-eyes are doing it for me hard, but I ain’t the marrying-type, more like love ‘em hard and leave them, y'know what I’m sayin’? I definitely don't take anyone back to my crib that's for sure.
Who put you up to this kid?
Is someone threatening you or sumthin’?”
Wade continued to ramble
“And hate to break it to ya, I’m kinda crazy-slash-obsessed with one and one twink only these days, granted baby boy's never gonna want me back, what with this avocado face, the un-aliving thingy and him being a good-too-shoes that he is.”
[♪♩Spidey butt~ Spidey butt~ bounce a nickel on that butt~♪♩ ]
“Like, It’s a fucking tragedy kid, I'm never gonna have a chance to tap that ass y’know? And like, your ass from what I saw is fine AF but Spidey's is like Heaven or some shit, not that I would know, again not that I'm ever gonna experience that Heaven-booty-"
"Wade, that's another thing, Uhm, I-I'm Spider-Man"
Well, that sure as hell was unexpected, walking-dead Wade ain't got nothing on this.
{say whaaat?}
[really op? really?]